I know I’ve been posting a lot about the “highlights” of my journey. However, I don’t want to promote toxic positivity; in reality, my journey really has been a roller coaster ride; ever since I found out that I had PCOS, which naturally perpetuated insulin resistance, my world and body have made a complete 180.
Or that’s what I’d ideally like to think.
I have made some serious changes to my diet and exercise. The amount of discipline I’ve dedicated to restoring my health has been somewhat of a shock to me. Honestly, at the beginning of April, I wondered if I’d ever be able to stick with a routine.
Don’t get me wrong. I AM proud of myself.
But, today is just not one of those days I feel that way.
Have you ever cued into your body’s messages and realized that something feels off–like you’re off-centered, or off-balance?
Yet, for the life of it, you cannot seem to pinpoint the concrete event that triggered that feeling in the first place.
Today, I’ve been experiencing unsettling sensations in my body. I can feel, intuitively, that something has triggered me; however, I can’t seem to place my thumb on what that trigger was. These icky sensations have started to manifest themselves physiologically as well.
I feel like I got hit by a train today. That’s especially strange since yesterday was a rest day; my body “should” be feeling rejuvenated but it doesn’t. I’ve felt more fatigued today than I have in the last 30 days. So much so that I had to call out of work as I was barely able to wake up.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!?
It’s so strange because if I witness my mind, I can catch myself wandering towards self-sabotage. An odd feeling; I encourage everyone to try it. It’s like having an out-of-body experience. You start having thoughts like:
Whoa! “Maham” really wants to act on the urge to self sabotage. “Maham” is feeling really upset. “Maham is wanting to act out.”…
Speaking of acting out, I ate all the carbs I could today.
Even though, I knew they would make me feel horrible. And they did.
My body literally sent them right back up, and out. And you know what I did afterwards?
EAT MORE CARBS.
WTF
So with that knowledge, most would find it reasonable to go on a run, take a good pilates class, or engage in some HIIT; most would move towards the direction of improving their present situation.
But not me.
I have continued lying in bed, in and out of sleep, literally paralyzed with this insidious feeling of unease.
And it’s not because I have no one to share these painful feelings with. It’s more of an inability to ACTUALLY get myself to a place where I feel courageous enough to be seen & heard.
It feels like crazymaking when you can acknowledge the support system around you, and STILL not utilize it.
This “off” feeling is undoubtedly affecting my relationship with Ayrah– which honestly leads tomy feeling even more worthless.
I swear, children are so intuitive; nothing gets past them. I’ve seen it happen with infants, toddlers, elementary school children and even our middle schoolers. Similarly, I can try and put on my best facade for Ayrah, but she can read right through the BS to my true energy.
The million dollar question…
WHY has some part of me become hellbent on destroying the progress I’ve made?
I…don’t know.
that is the most authentic answer I can give to all of you and myself right now.
I don’t know about yall, but not “knowing” makes me feel even more nervous. Uncertainty and I still are building a relationship. On my best days, I’m able to tolerate it. That’s it though.
There has been no embracing it with open arms or making it an ally 🚫
and then I get so HARD on myself….!
I “should” know right? I “should” be able to pick myself up out of this one random overcast day, right?
I should–especially because I have a Masters in this “mind stuff”. I’ve been taught the stuff to say, the interventions to use, given the worksheets to utilize and skills to practice….
If I was trained & entrusted with helping others walk through their uncertainty & triggers, shouldn’t i just be able do it for myself???
……
But I can’t.
THAT is the confounding paradox.
Something is wrong. I don’t know what it is. But, I feel it with such a powerful intuition! For my yogis, and reiki companions, I feel a palpable blockage in my throat and heart chakras. It’s like there’s a disruption between what my heart is feeling and my ability to communicate it to my environment 🌏
It feels like there is a frog in my throat. Like each time I attempt to speak up, the “cat gets my tongue” and I’m left a blubbering mess.
I feel similar to what Hansel & Gretel might’ve felt–I’m trying to find my way to a specific, concrete destination while not knowing where/what it is.
It’s interesting becauseI can tell my body is trying to communicate with me. I find the unsettling somatic sensations analogous to the bread-crumbs that Hansel and Gretel dropped on their path. They are clues that are meant to lead me back home. These visit sensations are trying, relentlessly, to communicate with me. They are constantly alerting me of the deviation from our natural emotional homeostasis.
I don’t know about you, but I often find myself starting to let shame slip through the doors during times like this. It’s hard not to.
The inner critic takes center stage and starts declaring these statements that sound ludicrous, that are ludicrous, and yet somehow…they still affect me.
“Omg! You ate a mini can of Pringles today…all your progress is ruined.! You’re a failure. Save yourself the dissapointment of keeping up with a healthy diet or workout routine, because we both know you’re going to fail. Do you want to feel that worthless again? So stop while youre ahead.”
When I type it out, it sounds crazy; I know it does.
What’s even crazier is that when it’s not typed out–and instead, fired directly from my brain to my body, without enough time for reflection, I actually start to BELIEVE the unreasonable monologue.
I know that a lot of people who have experienced trauma go through similar experiences. Trauma tends to fragment our thoughts, emotions and sensations in an attempt to protect us from overwhelming pain. The final part of trauma recovery involves the integration of these “compartments” and I can’t honestly say that I have completed full reintegration. Sure, there are times when I feel more integrated than others. however, at times like this…I feel at a loss
.
Many trauma researchers have theorized that painful emotions during a traumatic event usually get stored in the body as tension and pain. If not treated, these may lead to the onset of physical diseases.
Consequently, it makes perfect sense that the body could experience discomfort long before the mind can subconsciously pull out, and identify the focalized trigger or cascade of events that caused the unsettling sensations in the first place.
If you haven’t already, I highly recommend my friends undergoing trauma recovery to pick this book up. It is a life changer!
Sigh– since I’m at a loss, I’m going to throw it out to you guys!
What do you do if/when you feel this way?
I am trying to practice self-compassion but I feel so much shame—especially in the motherhood arena.
I get Ayrah only during the holidays so I put this extra pressure on myself to ENJOY and spend every single moment with her. It’s unrealistic.
and when I’m unable to do so, I feel like I’m a horrible mother. i feel like a failure. I feel like I’m inflicting these massive, irreversible wounds of abandonment or trauma in my child. But I KNOW that children are resilient. I KNOW that you don’t have to be the perfect parent; you just have to be ENOUGH. But KNOWING those things is not enough to stop the distorted thoughts from morphing into deep shame.
“Look at you…”, my mind snarls, “you go teach other parents’ kids all day long–you give them your best, only to come home to your child completely depleted, drained, and grumpy. She gets to have ethe worst of you. Great job, Maham.”
“And oh yeah, let’s not forget that you don’t even get for the whole year. She’ll be gone by the end of the summer, probably thanking God that she doesn’t have to be around a wreck of a mother.”
Thoughts like these create that dreaded negative feedback loop, where my belief of failing keeps me from being authentic and present with my child. When I’m not transparent with Ayrah, she can sense it and I know she can sense it. That just results in my confirming the “belief” that I’m a “failure”. And round and round we go…
till it bleeds into every and ANY interaction I have with my wonderful, magnificent daughter.
For now, I’m going to ride this wave out, let the emotions move through me, deliver their messages and move OUT of me. I want to keep you all updated as it helps me stay accountable.
In the meantime, I’d really appreciate any advice, ideas or suggestions about how you’ve managed to stay “relatively” sane through these ” emotional ruts”. And if you don’t have any, it would mean so much to me if you could practice enough vulnerability and share similar struggles that you may have had. Brene Brown, renowned author and sociologist, states that the most POWERFUL words we can communicate to one another during a time of pain or shame are “Me too”. I believe this is because it helps normalize the icky feelings we all may feel from time to time. For me, it lets me know that I’m not crazy or alone in feeling these ways at times. I hope its okay to KNOW what to do yet still not quite have mustered the motivation to actually implement it.
Would ❤️ to hear from you,
Till tomorrow—here is to hoping I don’t eat the entire Costco box of all the Pringles containers by the AM 😉
A twin sister of mind-reading, who happens to be just as convincing in the least helpful ways is….
drum-roll!!!!!!
Albert Einstein, one of my favorite scientists said: “we cannot solve problems from the same thinking patterns we used in creating them.” This means, we cannot use the same patterns of thinking that manifested the problem to try and construct solutions that will actually work.
That is why it is so essential to become aware of these common cognitive distortions. Once we can develop a meta-cognition, of sorts, to observe the faulty patterns of cognition our minds may have developed over time, we can begin to solve deep-seated issues within our psyche.
Fortune telling, much like mind-reading, is a branch in the family of cognitive distortions associated with jumping to conclusions. Fortune telling is a cognitive distortion that predisposes us to favor and predict a negative outcome without realistically considering the actual odds of that outcome.
This type of predilection towards worst-case scenarios is usually linked to anxiety and depression. Most often, those of us struggling through an active anxious or depressive episode display skewed thinking about the world and ourselves.
In fact, when I was practicing counseling in New Orleans, fortune telling was actually one of the most common cognitive distortions that came up for my clients. They seemed to have this eerie unbased “knowledge” that things would just end in a very catastrophic way without any real logical evidence to believe so.
The process of taking some of these rehearsed faulty patterns of thinking and retraining the brain to replace them with helpful, more realistic and healthy patterns is called cognitive restructuring.
In psychology, especially among therapists that employ the CBT modality, cognitive restructuring is a technique used heavily to help individuals become aware of the age-old narratives they come in telling themselves. After appropriate reflection, clients are then challenged to analyze whether or not they would like to change their self-talk and automatic narratives. If clients decide that the benefits of change outweigh the price of staying the same, the therapist works directly with the client and helps reframe unhealthy automatic core beliefs to more helpful, healthy and productive ones. That is the goal of cognitive restructuring.
Our deepest beliefs, or cognitive schemas, are essentially the byproduct of a well-rehearsed story that we have knitted together through our own lifespan. Some of the meanings that we assign to our experiences are conscious, however, the process of forming our patterns of thinking are largely done by subconscious sources.
We see our beliefs reflected in our thoughts, feelings and actions. Our behaviors are the closest indicators of our true internal thermostat and core beliefs. The simplified medical way of looking at cognitive distortions is that once patterns are repeated, the brain simply learns an efficient, easier pathway of firing to arrive at a faster “action state”.
Here comes out the nerdy part of me! Something you may or may not know about me is that I pursued a double bachelors in Biological Sciences and Organic Chemistry in college. I graduated valedictorian of the college of sciences from College of Charleston with a summa cum laude. Studying the human body so closely sparked an interest within me to try to understand the mechanisms of the neuroplastic mind. That is precisely why I pursued my masters degree in Psychology and Counseling with a specialization in clinical mental health.
Anyway….
I want to quickly, and simply (hopefully) explain how our brains learn. The reason for this is because once we all are familiarized with the basics behind memory recollection, and how our brain creates meaning, we can begin to work WITH its natural wiring to develop more helpful patterns of thinking.
I view human beings as holistic creatures, and in no way would I ever advocate working against certain parts of ourselves. We are a unique collection of experiences, thoughts, behaviors, actions, cultures, and feelings. The more we understand each one of those compartments, the faster we can work with all facets of ourselves to improve overall life quality.
At every moment, our brain orchestrates a complex symphony of perfectly coordinated, and intentional signals across billions of neurons. These neurons, then, transmit the signals through trillions of synapses, lighting up pathways of the brain that are associated with a similar event (firing of dendrites). Becoming familiar with this complex neural circuitry enables us to start to understand the processes that work together to enable all aspects of brain function.
When we are learning something, neurons in different parts of the brain communicate with each other. If two neurons interact frequently enough, they form a connection that allows them to transmit messages more easily, efficiently and “accurately” (or so it thinks).
The more often certain neurons communicate with one another, the more fortified their connection gets. As a result, it becomes easier & easier for our automatic thoughts to follow in line with that same familiar thinking pattern. Use it and improve it!
Similarly, the principle “use it or lose it” also holds true. Because there is such an infinitely overwhelming number of different pathways our brain cells can fire, most human beings tend to undergo a process of synaptic pruning. Essentially, “synaptic pruning” is just a fancy scientific way of saying “use it or lose it”
As we grow older, neural circuits that are not being actively engaged in performing tasks begin to degrade. Quite literally, this means if we do not use an area of our brain for a prolonged time, we will lose the function that was previously stored there.
The hope of so many psychological modalities lies in the neuroplasticity of the brain. Our saving grace lies in the fact that we can, with time and consistency, retrain our brains to think (and eventually, believe) differently. We have the power to wholly replace negative thought patterns with positive ones–literally, changing the very wiring of our brains.
That is some pretty powerful stuff.
If we have learned it, we can unlearn it.
Furthermore, we can also learn something else–something entirely new—something more conducive to our well being.
This is where cognitive restructuring can literally change our lives (if we let it).
Much like everything else, it takes a lot of practice and it takes times. Therefore, it is important to be gentle with ourselves throughout the process of rewiring our thinking. We didn’t just “think” ourselves into who we are overnight. By that same token, we cannot “outthink” ourselves into somebody new overnight either.
Tip #1- Challenge your thoughts by asking very basic, simple questions.
Tip #2- Use the ABC model to help slow down and track thoughts so that we can begin to change them.
What is an “ABC” Model?
The goal of conducting the ABC analysis is to truly get to our core beliefs that trigger our thoughts and feelings. Once we target what our core beliefs are, we can analyze them and figure out if they are based in reality and if they are helpful to us or not.
ABC models are most helpful when done on paper. There is something about writing things down that allows our brain to slow down processing and truly pause.
Examples of ABC models that have been done
Example 1: End of Relationship
Example 2: Social Anxiety
Example 3: Performance Anxiety
Tip #3- Use a “Behavior Chain Analysis” to monitor new and old behavior
The basic set-up for a chain analysis is as follows:
I encouraged all my clients to do at least two behavioral chain analyses. The first one should depict what would (continue to) happen in each of the categories if the core belief was left unchanged. The second one should ideally depict what would change in the respective categories if the core belief were to be challenged.
Example of Behavioral Chain Analysis utilized in CBT
Tip #4- (If you really want to do some serious cognitive “soul searching)…try some DBT or CBT worksheets that help prompt you to examine your core beliefs.
For our purposes, I am going to upload a copy of worksheet that I have used and given others to use when I find myself jumping to conclusions, engaging in mind-reading or becoming my own self-anointed fortune teller.
Ah! I missed a few days of the gratitude practice. But it’s okay! Missing these days has reminded me to rediscover the value in imperfection! Simultaneously, however, I am grateful for the ability to pick up right where I left off. All in all, missing two days was a very humbling experience. It reminded me that I am imperfect. It’s quite easy to get caught up in the trap of “perfection” and feel like we must upkeep routines to-a-tee; we metamorphose into dictators making sure we are relentless in abiding to the routines we create. Consequently, disruptions to our plans, and the inability to carry them out perfectly is a very sobering reminder; perfection is a trait that is unattainable in the human state. This means that I will mess up. I will fall short; I will not be able to be 100%. This is okay, and is in perfect alignment with the nature of how I was created. It is this very imperfection within me that creates the necessary space for God to enter. It is this “falling short” that encourages me to fall back on Him. It is my limited scope that encourages me to search for something Greater. So, I am grateful for the elucidation of my own imperfection.
Today, I’m grateful for the words of author, Matt Fitzgerald. In his book, “How Bad Do You Want It?”, he describes the relationship between endurance, mind and body. Through studying the literature, he found that it is not actual muscle fatigue that slows down athletes or causes them to quit in an event; it is actually the mind. The breakdown of motivation occurs in the brain, not muscle. The experience of fatigue/burn-out does not come about as a result of pushing the body to limits of exhaustion. In fact, extensive testing has demonstrated that athletes who claim fatigue can almost always do more at the muscular level. So why did they stop?
Because of the self-imposed limitations their minds created.
“Science has only recently recognized that endurance performance is fundamentally psychological. When we say someone has ‘endured something’, what do we mean? we mean that the person has gone through a challenging experience. . It’s the experience, not the biological fatigue that must be endured. Endurance athletes by definition endure. They endure long hours of training, deprivations that come with a monastic lifestyle, and all manners of aches and pains. But what endurance athletes must endure ABOVE ALL is not actual effort, but perception of effort. This is the phrase that scientists now use to refer to what athletes normally describe as how hard exercise feels in a given moment. And it represents the central concept of the psychobiological model of endurance performance. It was perceived effort that causes the endurance athlete to slow down and even quit. The most important truth you can know as an endurance at athlete is this: one cannot improve as an endurance athlete except by changing one’s relationship with perception of effort. Perceived effort is essentially the body’s resistance to the mind’s will. The fitter an athlete becomes, the less resistance the body puts up Even something as seemingly physical as training conforms to this principle.”
Matt Fitzgerald, “How Bad Do You Want It?”
I’m particularly thankful for this excerpt. I really admired and resonated with his description of an endurance athlete. Endurance athletes are people who endure difficult things. If running, or working out during pregnancy was easy, then everyone would be doing it. There are certainly challenges in the path, for all of us. However, we can choose to become our version of endurance athletes, in whatever challenges we are facing. We can choose to face, bear, and cope with any change with grace and dignity. It was because of Fitzgerald’s description of an endurance athlete, combined with the discovery that the mind’s perception of effort is different than the actual exhaustion, that led me to muster up the courage to run outside again.To be completely raw, running outside has been a tough experience for me; it is the one area in which I am starting to see the glaring effects of pregnancy. Prior to me falling pregnant, running on concrete or asphalt felt relatively effortless; I was carrying less weight, and my muscles and body were able to handle the physiolgoical pressures quite effectively. Now, I easily get winded, feel tired, and am undeniably slower in my pace. As a result, running outside doesn’t “feel” as good as it used to; this causes me to shy away from the passion.
Today, however, I told myself that just because my brain doesn’t perceive it “as feeling good” doesn’t mean that the experience is not actually just as good for me. Just because my brain readily perceives and accepts the “I can’t do it!” mentality doesn’t mean I actually won’t be able to do it. And so…just like that, I put on my running shoes and RAN outdoors. Every time self-limiting thoughts would arise in my run, I gently returned to the words of Matt Fitzgerald. “I’m not actually exhausted or fatigued at the muscular level,” I repeated to myself, “my mind’s perception of effort is skewed; In reality, I can keep going for much longer.” And I did.
In no way am I saying that the run today was glorious and fatigue-free. I felt winded; I felt tired; my muscles felt sore; I was slower. Running outside while I’m 6.5 months pregnant is certainly not as much of a breeze as it were pre-pregnancy. But you know what? I was able to do it! I was able to get out there and prove just what Fitzgerald was talking about. So many times, I would get a leg cramp or random ache and register it as: “exhaustion approaching—need to stop.” But really, as I kept running past that feeling, the perception of feeling it necessary to stop faltered away. I was able to keep going, proving that true exhaustion was far away. My protective mind was simply trying to convince me that I was exhausted in an attempt to conserve energy.
You guys, I’m so thankful that my brain is not always right. And above that, I’m grateful that you and I can choose to be endurance athletes in our own lives. Whether it be in sports or life challenges, we can choose to have the mindset and resilience of an endurance champion! I’m blessed that I have so many experiences in my memory bank that attest to the fact that I can endure really trying challenges–that I can endure. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. My mental limits are not my actual limits. Thank God for that!
02/25/2016
Today, I am so grateful for the encouragement and support I’ve been receiving from strangers for my fitness endeavors during pregnancy.
Really, never underestimate the value of a kind gesture. Sometimes, when I’m running outside and wearing a “baby on board” or “this girl is going to be a mommy” shirt, I’ll get random honks of encouragement; the people passing me by on the running trail will give me thumbs up signs and beaming smiles! Of course, this just results in me beaming a pearly right back! I’m truly grateful for these uplifting gestures; There’s also been people at the gym who have actually come up to me and vocalized how proud they are of my discipline and physical work ethic during pregnancy. It really is little things like that that leave my day a little more brighter! I’m immensely grateful for the support, but above that, I’m grateful for the ability to keep physically active during my pregnancy! I realize that it is a blessing and a gift that is not granted to all. Being able to move our bodies is a gift even outside of pregnancy! There’s many people who can’t walk to the mailbox to get their mail, much less go for a walk or run because of debilitating health issues.
On another note, I think I finally targeted why I’ve been feeling slightly under the weather for a few days! I’m thankful for this realization, because it allows me the opportunity to take action. My stomach has been very sensitive recently, and I think it is because of the spices and tomoato-based curries in Indian cuisine. When I’m living with my husband, I don’t eat too much Indian food but since visiting my family, I have definitely been consuming more spices! I think these spices, alongside the tomato-based curries are the culprit. So starting tomorrow, I think I’m going to return to basic, bland(ier) foods like alkaline fruits, egg whites, vegetables and complex carbs. I’m hopeful that this shift will allow my upset stomach to settle down! We’ll see! *Check Back: IT DID HELP!*
Me after eating the delicious, but spicy home-made curries
You know what I’m really grateful for? Recently, I feel like I’ve had this shift in attitude when it comes to doing demanding tasks. If there’s an undesirable task that I simply don’t feel like doing, I realize that I can still do it. My ability to conduct the task is irrelevant on my feelings towards it! I’ve realized that a cooperative mind is beneficial but NOT necessary in doing tough things! The mind is simply ONE part of the mind-body-spirit trifecta. The body and spirit don’t really care if the mind is motivated, the results are the same with or without its endless chatter. Sure, when it’s bursting with supportive, positive, and encouraging energy, it certainly makes the task feel easier. But the raw completion of the task is not entirely dependent on it. THANK GOD! Recently, when my brain puts up resistance to certain tasks, I’ve been repeating the following phrase: “sweet mind, it would be nice for you to show up, but it’s not required.” Then, I’ll do the task anyway! And you know what? So far, it’s gotten done 100% of the times, with or without the mental motivation. I’m truly grateful for this little pearl of knowledge; I know I will be able to utilize it endlessly in the future!
I’m also really thankful for being able to see little baby daughter today. I had an ultrasound done (perks of having a radiologist as a dad!) Oh,and seeing her was marvelous. She was beautiful. My sweet girl with her long legs, hiccups and her silly antics. Do you want to know something funny? The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted any pictures of her, and the only picture I requested was of her ankles and legs. Do you know why? For the last few ultrasounds, we have always found her slightly crossed at the ankles while the rest of her legs remain slightly open. Faraz, my husband, always holds his legs that way!!! It makes me giggle when I see her like that persistently! Like father, like daughter.
Legs outstretched, and feet crossed at ankles just like her daddy.
My sweet baby girl is so beautiful to me; I love her so much already. Her expressive little kicks, and delicious little movements make my heart so full. I love that she makes her existence known. This quote by Paul Eluard really captures how I feel about my lovely daughter. Every time I see her or feel her subtly kick, I remember this.
Translation: “I hear your voice in all of the world’s noise.”
And mommy will always be listening for you, my love.
02/26/2016
I woke up in quite a vulnerable mood today. Again, vulnerability is not necessarily a “bad” emotion. It’s just that I feel highly connected today; I feel as if I’m intricately in tune to the frequencies within me and around me. I do have to say, however, there is an undeniable tinge of sadness to the emotion of vulnerability. It’s not even so much grief, or lethargy, but more sensitivity—an ability to hurt with the world. I’m highly feely today. There is an undeniable softness that accompanies vulnerability; it has to. It would be impossible to have a iron-clad interior and simultaneously be able to connect with others. So, I’m thankful for this vulnerability. It reminds me of our very fragile human condition; it reminds me of the inherent vulnerability of our very existence. We are always in the process of letting go, and losing certain aspects of our lives. As we grow, we consistently shed layers of ourselves to accumulate new and improved versions of ourselves. We continue to this process till we eventually come to pass. There is a tinge of sadness to this inevitability, right?
Today, I’m actually really grateful for something good that happened yesterday night. The reason I am talking about it today is because the good vibes created from that experience are seeping into today (aA). Everytime I return home, my sister and I will have a pampering session. We grab our favorite bath balms from Lush, fill up the tub with soothing hot water, put on our swim suits, and just lay on each end of the tub, and talk about everything in between life and death. Today, we put the intergalactic bath balm in the water and watched in wonder, like little kids, as it burst into a peacock-colored glittery frenzy in the water! Ah. It was pure joy.
As we sat in our glittering goddess bath tub, we laughed till our stomachs hurt— about how random teas from Starbucks remind us of the smell of our cats! We discussed the things that we are afraid of losing in life, and how we are coping with the changes that are coming along. We added to our collection of cat memes, discussed the most ridiculous child raising strategies, listened to our favorite songs, (with our own renditions of it of course) MERSALICIOUS lol. but most of all—we thanked each other as we arrived to the same familiar conclusion. Once more, we come to the humbling realization that we are so blessed in our sisterhood bond. There are so many sisters who don’t get along—who have their relationships tinged with the bitterness of jealousy, competition and comparison. But aA, by God’s grace, we were spared from that trial. No matter how long it has been since I’ve seen her, every time we get together, we end up acknowledging how special our bond is, in so many words. I know that it is the one thing that we both want to withstand the test of time. Alhamdullilah for the best sister. She is my best friend!
Today, I also want to discuss something that I feel is a delicately subtle blessing bestowed upon all of us—the blessing of choice.
I am so grateful for it. Regardless of whatever happens to us, we can choose how we react to it. Today, I was talking with two people about a similar catastrophe that befell them; their attitudes about their lives, the event, and its lingering effects couldn’t be more starkly different! One person was very lethargic, and looked upon her life with a jaded bitter regret. The other, however, seemed to have discovered greater meaning to her life through the suffering; she found purpose to it. She looked back upon it as a life lesson, a necessary stepping stone, claiming that the experience has made her into the wholehearted, happy-go-lucky person that she is today.
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
02/27/2016
😦 Sigh 😦
Today was…trying. This probably isn’t going to start off as an expected entry from a gratitude journal, but if you bear with me, I promise I’ll get around to the silver lining. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently; my husband and I are in the middle of a move; we have a daughter on the way; there’s been changes in my career path, my visiting back and forth between family and living with my husband; let’s not forget the plethora of changes pregnancy brings about. My body is changing; my ability to do/not do certain things is changing; my hormones are fluctuating. Everything seems to be at the whims of change.
I think the reality of these compounded changes really hit me today. I’m not even going to lie, I think I had a borderline anxiety attack. You know, certain things are never going to be the same again. Having a baby means that the thought “me and Faraz” will rarely cross my mind again. It will always always be my daughter, me and my husband. Things that have semed so effortless, like going to the gym, or going on late night grocery runs are going to have to undergo some creative adjustments; I mean, let’s be real…there’s only so much “spontaneity” you can have in your life, when you have to plan 15 minutes in advance to strap in a carseat, dress your tot for the temperature outside, and pack a bag for their unanticipated accidents.
Another thing that has been scaring me about being a mother is the essence of this experience; on a level, my daughter is going to be my replacement generation. And though she was a thoroughly planned, and long anticipated child, that truth is just scary to think about. Her coming highlights the fact we are no longer going to be the “kids” anymore. This realization really highlights the fact that we are aging, and that time seems to be flying away. I have an inkling that once she’s born, time is going to speed up even more. She will grow up right before my eyes, and before I know it, we’ll be planning for another baby, and then boom! I’m the soccer mom and Faraz is a little league coach. I wish there was a way to hit the pause button, and just process everything for a second.
The fact that we are moving into a bigger place in March is also layering on the change. You guys, we’re letting go of the apartment that we’ve had since the beginning of our marriage. That was mine and faraz’s first residence together. The place is full of remnants and memories of our earliest years; it was the place that witnessed the evolution of us fighting relentlessly with each other to fighting relentlessly to be with each other. There are countless memories at every nook and turn. To think that I won’t be able to walk back into a place I’ve called home for nearly half a decade blows my mind.
All in all, these changes are certainly inciting some fear in my restless spirit. I’m grateful, however, that there is always a flipside to the frightening aspects of the process; the other side of fear is excitement. This move, and the arrival of the baby characterizes an exciting, new times in my life. Yes, it will no longer be just me and Faraz, but perhaps, having another being to think about will be fulfilling and leave me wholehearted. I am so grateful for having five beautiful years of just me and my husband. I think that time gave us the opportunity to thoroughly get to know one another, not just as partners, but as people. We became acquainted with each other’s hopes and dreams, fears and aspirations; now, I find us in a place, where we foster a deep appreciation for the other person’s individual presence, not just their role as a partner.
It is also exciting to consider that we’re getting a bigger place that puts us in a better location to get to school/work more easily. I’m looking forward to building new memories there. I think, in retrospect, I’ll appreciate the move at this time, because it will mark the arrival of my daughter. Faraz & I created beautiful memories in the apartment together…just the two of us., However, this new place will become the canvas for painting new memories with the three of us…our daughter!
Our daughter’s room in the new place
Times of change make me really grateful that “home” is a feeling and not a place. We can let go of the material things and still have the sensation of home. I’m utterly grateful that the sensation of belonging arises from the people, experiences and interactions we have in our life. “Home” is being embraced into my husband’s loving arms after a hard day. “Home” is seeing my cat’s fluffy orange tail twitch with excitement when he sees me. “Home” is the feeling I get when I dance around to “I like to move it, move it” with all the creatures of the house. “Home” is sprawling out on the ground, writing in diaries, with the aroma of vanilla-smelling candles filling up the room. Home is NOT a place. It is a feeling. And I’m so grateful that I am taking all the elements that help infuse that life and meaning into my world with me. My husband, my cats, and our memories will be left untouched.
Though I understand (and certainly feel) that change is scary, I’m really grateful that the changes we are undergoing are not ones that are catastrophic or traumatic. They are not changes brought upon by a natural disaster, an onset of a sudden illness, or the destruction of a dream. They take on the category of transitional changes, as opposed to catastrophic changes. This makes me so utterly grateful. I’m so happy we are all safe and sound; we are in good health, and that we are gifted with the BLESSING of a new addition to the family. These transitions are beautiful, necessary and normal in the process of life. I’m also very thankful that I get to hold onto my anchor, my husband, (and him, me) throughout these transitory changes. It’s like carrying around my blanket of stability, familiarity, and safety with me; the soothing effect of knowing that he will be there, and that my family and his family will be there is a truly comforting and cooling breeze over my restless heart.
Lastly, I am shockingly thankful for panic, and overwhelming anxiety. I know that while they are affecting me, I feel crippled, frozen and like I’m stuck and suffocating. But…if I practice adequate courage, and allow these feelings to move within me, they create space for acceptance and serenity. Despite the variability in stimuli that may trigger a fearful response, there is an undeniable predictability in accepting and letting these feelings move through us; once we do, we feel lighter, better, and more hopeful—even if our situations haven’t changed much. I’m grateful for this ability to regulate internal homeostasis; I’m grateful that I can choose to have my peace, regardless of what circumstance befalls me.
02/28/2016
I’m so grateful for loving parents. They could tell I had a rough day yesterday, and they’ve done everything in their power to make me feel better. And you know what? They’ve succeeded. Thank God for people that care about me so deeply—the people that know that when I push them away, all I’m really wanting is to see if they care enough to push back.
I’m grateful for the familiar sun rising, beautifully marking the opportunity for a new beginning. With the rise of the sun, I realize that yesterday is now gone and that today is an absolutely new day. I can make of it as I will. It was really symbolic because I awoke with the sun shining on my face, letting me know that lightness had returned; I am once more restored to a world full of endless possibilities.
This really makes me realize the mercy of God. You may think of Him as Jesus, Buddha, nature, the universal laws, or whatever higher power you believe in. (I just happen to call him “Allah”). I’m really thankful for His mercy. The fact that today, I am feeling so much better than I was yesterday really highlights the fact that suffering is not uninterrupted. The course of one day, or even one hour does not accurately predict the course of the next day or the next hour. Things can turn up; there is always some element of “good” even in the worst days. For example, everything could be going array in a day but simply entering a store, being welcomed by a gust of cool air-conditioned air on a scalding hot day is something miniscule and “good”. day It makes it to where there is an undeniable interruption in the “badness” of events. I’m so thankful for this. Suffering never comes to us in an UNINTERRUPTED, continuous manner. Whether it be a colorful bird flying by, the sun shining on cold toes, a smile from a stranger, a convenient vacant parking space, or a warm bed to sleep in—there is always a “feel-good” interruption. I interpret the presence of these little miracles as extensions of mercy from God.
I’m also really thankful for the body’s ability to adapt. Today, I went into the gym and every part of me felt so sore from my strength training workout from Friday. They say that oftentimes, a cardiovascular workout is just what you need to get sore muscles feeling better. As I got on the elliptical, no part of me wanted to move; however, as the workout progressed, my muscles began to feel better! I think the improved circulation helped move along the accumulated lactic acid, my legs started to feel less sore. I’m really grateful for this and for the human body’s ability to adapt. I know I often gripe about change, but in small moments like this, I realize how utterly grateful I am that things don’t remain the same. I’m truly grateful for change. Without it, we would become stagnant, dry, and brittle; at its essence, we would be dead. And I don’t want to be dead while I’m alive. For as long as I live, I want to exude vivacious life energy.
I am so so thankful that my cousin’s surgery was successful! It went even better than the medical team had predicted. His chemotherapy had helped shrink the tumor to a miniscule amount, so it was quite easy to remove; the surgeons didn’t have to become too invasive and his diaphragm was left untouched! Consequently, the procedure was short and afterwards, Shuji was transferred directly to a hospital room. Yay! He had to spend no time in the ICU! And, guess what? He’s cancer-free!!!!! If that isn’t cause to celebrate, then I don’t know what is!
I’m also feeling particularly thankful for such loving in-laws. I know many people have horror stories about “monster-in-laws”, but by the grace of God, I have been spared from the challenging trial; My in-laws are so sweet, and I really respect, admire and look up to them. I tell my mother-in-law that if I can raise my daughter to be half the person she raised ALL of her children to be, I’ll be pleased. I’m really thankful for the fact that I will be able to seek her advice as I raise my own daughter. I love how much my in-laws, and the entire extended family love me and care about me. I have never felt like they treated me any differently from their own. Even the extended family has accepted me with arms and hearts wide-open; now, I feel as if they are more like my OWN cousins rather than my husband’s. I am grateful that we live in proximity to the entire family; this gives me the opportunity to interact with them more often!
You know who my heart is especially grateful for recently? My sister-in-law.
She is literally a ray of sunshine in the family, and in my own life. Through her silly imitations, to her cute little antics, she is consistently making everyone around her laugh and smile. Saman is one of the most caring people I’ve ever met; it’s really rare to find a person who is so balanced in terms of being cognitive, and being sentimental. She is a tigress—she has iron-clad strength and a will that is indomitable, but somehow, there is this undeniable softness about her too. Even though she is younger than me, I look up to her so much! Every time I see her, I’m so thankful for her. She protects, and loves me like I’m her own child.
Speaking of children, there is one aspect of interacting with my sister-in-law that I am so utterly thankful for. I don’t even know if my words will do an equitable job of capturing how grateful I feel about this—I am absolutely in awe of the continual excitement she expresses for her coming niece. I can’t even tell you how excited she is, lol. She is a akin to a cat around catnip every time there is any talk of her precious “niece-to-come!” Even if it’s something as ordinary as normal results from routine blood work, ultrasound images, or just chats about baby clothes…she becomes beyond ENTHUSED! Having that sort of powerful positive energy around me is SO beneficial. On some days, when I feel bloated, sick and irritated with pregnancy changes, I literally bring to mind HER excitement; her eagerness to meet my daughter rubs off on me, and starts to make me really excited once more. On some days, it is solely her pure-hearted joy and love for our daughter that recharges me, and inspires me to keep on persevering.
When my own motherly love gets clouded with the discomforts of the pregnancy process, it is HER love that floods in through my heart and fills in the gaps. My daughter is going to be so lucky to have her as an aunt; to be honest, I’m kinda jealous! 😛 The other day, I was driving home after visiting my in-laws, and I literally turned to my husband and declared: “I have to DELIVER this child safely and soundly for Saman.” Her unwavering joy is such a motivating force for me. The fact that she is so excited for our daughter makes this process so much more appealing for us. Saman, you have always been such a source of joy, but I can’t even tell you how much my love has compounded for you throughout my pregnancy experience.
02/16/2016
To tell you the truth, today was a really rough day. My self-image was distortedly horrible. I felt really terrible about myself, and this only led to me feeling more and more unlovable. What’s more is that when I’m feeling entrenched in the grips of depression, I feel like a burden to those around me. I feel like my sadness might be “contagious” and bring them down , so it becomes really hard for me to seek out support. It becomes hard to let others in, especially those whom I care about the most. I don’t want an ounce of negativity to scathe the ones I love–not even mine. But that’s a double edged sword, because my not reaching out leaves me feeling lonely and and rejected. This feeling of isolation only makes these days more unbearable.
Being the kind, protecting, and caring soul that he is, I know that my husband will want to stay with me and do everything in his power to try to make me feel better. Unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing that he (or anyone else) can do in the immediate future to make it better. You know the kind of days I’m talking about? The only thing that makes these days okay again is time. Much like a virus, we have to sometimes let these emotional disturbances arise, let them take their course, and minimize the lingering effects they leave behind. At the same time, however, I recognize and appreciate how blessed I am that there are people in my life that WANT to help so eagerly. Today, I am grateful for the support that I always have available (regardless of my receptivity to it). I realize that it is such a huge blessing, and I feel so humbled that there is someone out there who is trying to help, even though I’m sure it is much easier to let the storm pass, and return when things are brighter!
On days like today, I can see why the gratitude practice is so necessary. Today, I am finding that I’m more thankful for what didn’t absolutely go wrong, rather than all the wonderful things that happened. So, I’m thankful for time, and the fact that it is always passing; this makes it to where even the worst days can only last for a maximum of 24 hours. I’m thankful that I wasn’t hurt physically today, and that my health is still unimpaired; I am thankful for my limbs that allowed me to work out, and my mind that really shone through with its unwavering work ethic and discipline, (because trust me, what I really wanted to do was just lay in bed and mope all day). I am thankful for my family and friends, and their kind loving interactions with me. I’m thankful for all the things that could have gone wrong today, but didn’t—the weather was beautiful; the people in my life are safe and healthy; I am physically capable etc. But a part of me feels like I’m phony in writing these things; i feel like I’m not really connecting to them as I write them, and solely writing them because they are “the right things” to say.
Let’s get honest. You know what I’m really thankful for? I’m really thankful that today is about to be over, and that tomorrow is a new day. I’m utterly grateful for hope, new beginnings and the fact that things can change. I’m thankful that, even though I have no guarantees, I have HOPE for a better day tomorrow, and you know what? I will cling to that today. I am thankful for sleep, because it is a time machine to get through tough times! I can’t wait to get some zZzzZz in soon. I’m thankful that I am partaking in this gratitude practice, and that I get a chance to write out my thoughts and feelings. I’m grateful for the possibility that once I publish this, even ONE of you might be able to relate to it and find some solace in this entry. I’m grateful for Netflix, and warm baths, and massages that seem to make days like today more manageable. And lastly, I am immensely immensely immensely thankful that this is only temporary. I am grateful for the knowledge that our minds are not always 100% honest with us. Just because I feel like I’m a crummy being doesn’t mean that I really am. My perception can be distorted. Thank GOD for that. I’m thankful for prayer and for the ability to be optimistic about the future. Ugh! and for heating pads…I have one wrapped around my lower back as I type this up and it is ever so soothing!
So here’s to hoping for a better tomorrow, and for a big dollop of gratitude for the little things that went right/didn’t go wrong today!
02/17/16
Today was a beautiful day—one of those days that makes you sigh in peace as you rest your head to sleep. It’s not even like something astoundingly magical happened; rather, I think it was magical that I was aware enough to recognize the extraordinary in the ordinary moments. I’m so full of gratitude today and I’m so thankful to be feeling this way. Through this daily practice, I’ve come to realize that there is a natural rhythm/fluctuation in my relationship with gratitude; on some days, my heart is so full and content, and other days, it is more restless and dissatisfied. So above all, I am grateful for being able to notice and feel the beauty of the little things.
I flew back home today to visit my family; I am thankful for a safe flight, and for the fact that we have accommodations that can allow us to visit loved ones and stay in touch. I’m thankful for my mom, and how she always has my favorite foods ready; I’m thankful for the burst of joy that I feel when I see my little sister for the first time; I’m grateful for my dad’s comforting embrace that just makes me feel like everything is right in the world again.
There’s something really lovely about being in your childhood room again—to lay in the same bed in which you used to dream about the things you have now. I can’t remember how many times I wished to find a loving, stable, and caring partner as I fell asleep here. I giggle as I recall how “being a mom one day” seemed like such a distant desire just a few years ago. Ah.
I am also grateful for this really sweet interaction I had on the way home; in between my flights, I stopped by to use the restroom. The lady that was working there to maintain and upkeep the condition of the facility was so unbelievably sweet. It’s not so much what she did or didn’t do; it was her presence and demeanor that made the interaction. Her friendly tone and welcoming smile was enough to make my drowsy self feel more happy, simply by being around her.
I am also really grateful for a simple exchange via Instagram. I reached out to an old high school friend and asked her what it felt like to be a mother; she responded enthusiastically, saying it was such a sweet experience! I could sense the genuineness in her response, and it made me eager to meet my own daughter!
You know what else I am so, over the moon, grateful for? The love that I feel from my husband’s family. The extended family is such a tight-knit support system and I’m so blessed to know them, and to be loved by them. Sweet little chats with them are such a breath of fresh air; I love that they tolerate my crazy cat lady memes, and forgive me so generously for my shortcomings. I truly have found new meaning to what it means to be a family after being married to Faraz. The way everyone watches out for one another, and cares for each other is downright inspiring. I love that we live so close to them; it gives me a first class seat to observe and experience the generosity, love and compassion they employ in their interactions.
Speaking of extended families…I’m so utterly grateful to his cousins (which I lovingly claim as all mine now). Seriously though, each one of them…they are mine now. I am so grateful that for two twin cousins, alongside my sister-in-law, who are so eager to help plan out my baby shower!!! Sugar or spice? These girls are everything nice! From coming up with themes, to suggesting wall décor and party favors, I can tell that they are really trying to make this a special experience for me. And you know what?…it already is! I feel so loved, cared for and special already! Themes and colors aside…it is their eager desire for involvement that has had me floored and speechless. The fact that there are people in my life that want to make this a special occasion for me is so incomparably special! I don’t want to take that type of love for granted; I realize how blessed I am to share my life with angels who desire to see me smile and to experience my happiness, right next to me!
02/18/2016
Today was a great day! I am thankful for sleep. I slept in till 12 pm today, and trust me, it was glorious. I’ve had interrupted sleep for a few days now and so something as simple as getting a good night (and day) sleep was a lovely blessing.
I am also really grateful for the ability to “show up” for my life. Recently, I’ve been repeating that statement quite a lot to myself. “Maham, all you have to do is get dressed and show up.” What do I mean by that? On the days I find a lot of resistance in my mind to working out or doing another task, I repeat that statement countless times. It’s been really beneficial because it forces me to go into an experience without any performance-oriented expectations. All I have to do is literally get dressed, and show up. What happens after is not my battle; it is God’s. I’ve done what I can do, and the rest is up to Him. And you know what? I can certainly attest to the fact that He has not been stingy with infusing His mercy and strength into my life. I’m truly grateful. I find myself telling God the following often: “I’m not much. My motivation is at best, wavering. I get carried away easily. My emotions often control me and I really don’t have much to offer you. But if you want to use me to do something, I’m all yours.” It’s ironic because after saying that prayer, I’ve noticed, many times, that He will allow me to accomplish things beyond what I expected from myself!
Another thing I’m really grateful for is being able to spend time with my parents. I love watching the people they’ve grown up to become; they are such amazing, dynamic individuals. As I’ve gotten older, they’ve become less and less “my parents who do things for me” and more and more seperate “people with their own set of hopes and dreams.” I love hearing about their dreams, goals and reflections upon their lives. Over the years, I’ve seen them grow together as each one of the birds leaves the nest. First, I got married and left. Then, Ahad went to medical school a few hours away, and now they have Anu going to college. These human beings I call “Mama” and “Baba”, who dedicated so much of their time and energy into raising us, are now finding themselves with abundant gaps of emptiness.
The way they have started to fill these gaps is through developing beneficial routines. They sit together and watch certain TV shows; they pray together; they memorize the Quran together, and practice their recitations on one another. But, one of the activities they partake in really softens my heart. And, it is their nightly “exercise hour.” After praying maghrib, they both put on old music and my mom gets a workout on the elliptical while my dad lifts. You need to watch them during this exercise hour to understand what I feel. It’s like they go into their own little world, where they are fully entrenched in helping support each other’s goals and wellbeing. As they get older, I’ve watched them morph into strong sturdy pillars of companionship for one another; it really brings about a heart-tugging sensation within me. Watching my aged parents find solace in routine and relentlessly support one another in something like “an exercise hour” makes my heart tender, soft and full of love towards them. I watch as they attempt to cope with the aging process, and the natural sadness that arises from their once-full nest, now getting emptier and emptier. I have boundless mercy in my hearts for them.
Finally, I am also really thankful today for… CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! My little sister and I were craving a batch of freshly made cookies, so we literally ran out to the grocery store at 10 pm to gather our supplies. And we baked it off, talked and laughed until the most buttery, warm, gooey, savory, delectable, mouth-watering, tender-to-touch cookies were baked. Oh my goodness! They were so warm and soft–so appetizing! I love how their delectable aroma fills the entire home and makes it seem like you’re living in a delicious gingerbread house! and of course—I was grateful to be able to enjoy a sweet treat with my sweet sister!
02/19/2016
Today was a challenging day. I haven’t been as regimented on my diet as I usually am; coming home to all this delicious food made with mama’s love and care has certainly been savory, however, it has thrown off my routine nutritional intake. And though my routine has only been disrupted for all but two to three days, it is certainly making me feel like I’m losing self-control. I feel anxious. This is a really scary place for me to be in. I like to do things a certain way, and prefer to have some sense of predictability to almost all aspects of my life. So today—I am trying to be grateful that life has provided me the opposite of that! I’m pretty sure this challenge is an opportunity to break out of stringent, rigid routines, and experience some level of spontaneity. Despite the feelings of anxiety and worry that uncertainty brings about, it is necessary to be flexible in life. I’m grateful for life repeating a lesson that I really need to learn; I need to realize that if I’m not micro-managing every little aspect of my life, things still turn out relatively okay. Nothing catastrophic happens; the plate tectonics beneath my feet do not suddenly shift. A few changes in routine are healthy and okay.
Simultaneously, however, even though I was able to indulge in a few “cheat days”, I am grateful that I possess the necessary insight to monitor things before they spiral out of moderation. It is glaring that I work very hard on my physical fitness, and I don’t want to continue on this cycle…before I know it, “a few days” may turn into “a few months”; I work tenaciously to train myself. I fuel myself with conscious foods so that my body performs at its optimal. I don’t want to toss dirt all over my efforts…and I don’t have to. That is why I am so immensely thankful that I am under no obligation to be the same person I was just five seconds ago. Sure, I can accept the things that I cannot change BUT I can also change the things that I accept. I’m thankful for new beginnings, the courage to start again, and the fact that every moment passing by has the inherent potential to change our lives forever. I’m thankful for choices and self-control; I am grateful that I can choose to no longer keep indulging, and operate life from a more cognitive mindset.
Speaking of making changes, I am thankful for the realization that I have to start incorporating more strength training into my regimen—especially given my pregnancy. Pregnancy hormones have a tendency to make joints lax, and strength training is beneficial to help prevent injury and promote an easier delivery/recovery. I have a sporadic relationship with strength training, as it is not my favorite thing to do! However, again, I can choose to consciously start to incorporate it at more timely intervals, because it will not only help my body do the things that it loves more efficiently (cardio), but also enable a speedier labor and delivery!
Lastly, I was really thankful today for a moment with my sister. As we were driving around to pick up new headphones, we started to listen to old songs; the Hannah Montana soundtrack emerged from the dust, and we literally fell back into childhood mode. We laughed, and sang along at the top of our lungs—not a care in the world as to who was watching, or what was happening around us. It was a moment lavished with 100% spontaneity, and no cognitive interruptions. I’m really grateful for moments like that—the moments that your heart is so full of joy in the littlest things, and you are fully emerged in the present. You are alive.
02/20/2016
Walking is such a blessing. Since I’m visiting my parents, the nearest gym is 3 miles away; because of the proximity, I have made it a point to walk there and back every time I intend to workout. It’s a great way to warm up, and it places me in the arms of nature. I love watching the trees, weather, and birds; on my way, I say “hi” to the adored neighborhood alligator that hangs out outside the pond on warm days like today. I’m grateful for the experience of walking, and how it is an activity that is slow enough to connect with, both, mind and body. As you probably know, I love fast-paced cardiovascular activities; they leave me feeling empowered, capable, and strong! Walking is different. It feels unfamiliar, but in the most beautiful way. I’m intrigued by it, and what it brings out of me. I’m grateful, curious, and excited for the new relationship I’m building with it.
I’m really grateful for Audible, and other technology that allows me to listen to words of wisdom from so many different books as I workout, get dressed or just hang out! I love hearing the stories and experiences of others; it’s beautiful, because in the moment that their words resonate with me, the lives of those authors and my journey crossover for a second. When they say something that just hits my heart, they make me feel connected to them and the rest of the world.
So, do you want to hear about a really exciting experience? I’m now able to SEE my daughter kick underneath my stomach!!! You guys, when I’m laying flat on the ground, breathing deeply and evenly, I can definitely see a rise in my abdomen where she kicks. Its too soon to tell whether it’s her little footsie or her hand, but there is definitely a distinct and momentary rise and fall. I showed my little sister, and I’m pretty sure she is convinced that I’m harboring ET in my tummy; it’s funny creeping her out!
I’m very grateful for friendship. I’m so blessed to know loving friends, who graciously forgive my shortcomings, and love me regardless of the fact that I’m imperfect. I’m grateful for good conversations and great pizza at Mellow Mushroom.
02/21/2016
Today, I am grateful for forgiveness and mercy. I’m grateful, that if we choose, we have the ability move on from feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. We have all done or said things in our lives that we would take back, if given the chance. I know I certainly have. Sometimes, I let the weight of previous mistakes hunker me down. I become so weighed down with my own guilt and shame, and find myself asking: “what if I haven’t been forgiven?” I have this unrelenting fear that if haven’t been “forgiven”, there is a looming punishment around the bend, just waiting to hit me. It’s almost as if I expect something really terrible to happen, and when it does, I’ll feel like I deserve it—because of my past mistakes. That’s a terribly excruciating burden to carry around. To think that I don’t deserve happiness, fulfillment, and love because of mistakes I’ve made in the past is a distorted and crippling belief. Thank God that it’s a belief that I can choose to reject.
I’m grateful for this insight, and for other self-discoveries. I know that I tend to assume a lot more guilt and shame than I probably deserve; simultaneously, I’m hesitant to allocate culpability to others. This makes me a prime candidate for negative self-talk, feelings of low self-worth, and just feeling like I’m not good enough or deserving. I think one of my greatest fears in life is that I’m inherently unlovable; oftentimes, I feel like I don’t deserve the love I have. In my human journey, I somehow equated my self-worth with performance and accomplishments. It seems as if my “loveability” is contingent on what I do/don’t do rather than who I am/am not. Over time, I’ve come to realize that my worth is is unchanging. It is present because of who I inherently am, not what what I do/don’t do; but it’s been hard to integrate this new belief into my preexisting cognitive schema. I am thankful, however, that I’m much closer to believing this now than I was in previous years.
God, I am so utterly grateful that my actual self-worth is a quantity that does not change with my wavering self-concept—that my worth remains the same, whether or not I choose to recognize and acknowledge it. I am grateful that God and the universe are more forgiving towards me than I am towards myself. I’m thankful that despite my beliefs about whether or not I deserve love, I am given love. I am grateful that my thoughts about myself and the world are not 100% foolproof correct; I am also simultaneously thankful for the ability to recognize these distortions when they arise.
On a different note, I am so excited that I got to run outside today! Initially, I was so scared; every thought in my mind was telling me I won’t be able to do it; “it’s going to be so hard, and your body is going to feel so miserable” my brain repeated, “you’re going to be so slow, and it’s going to feel agonizing.” But, I hesitantly mustered up the courage to get outside, start, and next thing I know…I was just putting one foot in front of the other. Yes, I was slower than usual. Yes, I could tell that it was harder on my body than it would be if I were running on a treadmill. I want you guys to imagine carrying a cantaloupe and running long-distances with it. (That’s literally how big my baby is right now!) It felt different, for sure. But I was happy that I got out there and showed myself that I can handle tough workouts. It was just another opportunity to reaffirm that my brain does not always tell the truth; I don’t have to listen to every single thought that runs through it. Some thoughts are better left discarded. I realized, again, today that the voices that say “I can’t do it” are usually not mine. It was also very much a blessing to be able to run the last mile with my sister!
Today, I’m so grateful for sisterhood. What a blessing it is to be able to call your sister at 11 pm, and have her to confide in, laugh with and cry with. My little sister is absolutely wonderful, and I am absolutely amazed by her ability to help me through a rough day without EVER having talk about the problem. For some reason, a conversation about the specific issues bothering us is never needed. We end up talking about random things, like weird horror characters that can unhinge their jaws and swallow humans whole, and somehow that makes everything better. (I know, you’d be surprised). I’m thankful for friendships and all the love I have in my life, but I simultaneously can attest to the fact that there is no friend like a sister. How lucky I feel that somewhere along the way, God blessed me with her and now, I can call her my friend eternally.
I’m also surprisingly thankful for moments of loneliness. They have a way of stimulating you to turn inwards, and reflect on what really matters. Somehow, taking a walk alone at midnight in the shivering cold, alone with your thoughts is a really liberating, and empowering experience. You quickly realize that YOU not only are all that you have, but that you are also all that you need and that you are ENOUGH. By spending time with myself, I come to see a transformation from misery in loneliness to enjoyment in solitude; would you imagine that I’m not too awful of a company to have? Yes, my mind can be frantic, and I can be overly sentimental but my intentions are usually pretty noble. And, I think that’s pretty laudable. Perhaps, my own companionship will enrich me beyond measure.
I’m also really thankful for waking up and finding a warm, friendly, fuzzy Nemo next to me! Seriously, pets are angels disguised in fur! Seeing his sweet face in the middle of the night when I’m awakened by the baby’s kicks is such a soothing experience.
Pregnancy is such a complex, multi-faceted experience. I think if I could come up with one word to describe the process, it would be “vulnerability.” Something as private as your body becomes a public spectacle. Well-intentioned people begin to make comments about how you’re growing, if you’re growing, and whether or not that growth looks “good” or “bad.” Also, pregnancy is a time period marked with companionable, but unsolicited advice. Out of care and genuine curiosity, people seem to want to bond over this experience. It’s such an exciting time, and I think people, generally, are eager to share that excitement with you! They want to connect, and tell you about their experiences when they were pregnant, what worked for them and what didn’t’ work for them. Even strangers at the grocery store are eager to grant you their two cents on what you should or should not be doing, eating, not eating, craving, feeling etc. Though I agree that this advice comes from a benevolent place, it can sometimes be a hard to accept with an open heart.
I’m working on this, and on clearing my heart. I am trying to look at these advances as an opportunity for connection. What may seem as unsolicited advice may just be an attempt for others to find common ground. They are connecting with me, and giving me an opportunity to connect back. I won’t lie, however, thinking about advice this way is going to take some work. When someone criticizes what I’m doing, a natural resistance arises out of my human heart. I’ve witnessed this, specifically, in terms of others criticizing my running and physical activity.
I would go as far as saying that there is a universal taboo on physical exercise during pregnancy. It seems as if, regardless of culture, there is inaccurate information circulating about a suspected increased risk of miscarriages and birth defects associated with over-activity. This myth is especially exacerbated in the Indian/Pakistani culture 😦 The tricky thing in terms of defining what you can/cannot do in pregnancy is defining what “over-activity” means. I believe that the preceding definition is so subjective, and relative to the individual. For someone that has never walked a mile before, running 5 miles/day during pregnancy is probably alarming and unfavorable. However, for an ironman or triathlete, running a marathon might still be below their personal “over-activity” threshold. I guess the point I’m trying to make is: it is all relative. Nothing is 100% wrong or 100% right; in fact, my lovely OBGYN ran through eight months of all of her pregnancies! Pregnancy is a unique experience and no human being experiences it identically. Our bodies are also unique in their unparalleled capabilities, training and consequently, in the thresholds of intensity they are able to tolerate. From what I’ve gathered (mostly from my doctor and other OBGYNS), the rule of thumb seems to be the following: avoid trying new regimens that you haven’t been consistently pursuing before your pregnancy.
As for me, running and physical activity are the two practices that have kept me emotionally balanced. Everything seems to be subject to change in pregnancy, and I, for one, am still working on trying to tolerate change—much less, embrace it! Being pregnant is such an odd, lovely change! On one hand, there is this sense of blooming love and overwhelming excitement that I’ve never felt before. Then, on the other hand, I experience waves of terrifying fear and crippling vulnerability. “What if I screw this up?” “What if I mess up, and that ends up destroying my daughter’s life?” “What if I’m unable to provide her with enough stability to feel safe in this unpredictable world?” I think that is my biggest fear-that I will somehow “ruin her”. I don’t want to mess up her beautiful, fragile life. I suppose this fear is one that many parents have. I’ve seen the consequences of careless parenting one too many times, and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. With all these thoughts ruminating in my mind, the addition of the vicissitudes of hormones and my own body changing can make me feel completely ungrounded. I can forthrightly and wholeheartedly say that the ONE thing that has helped me feel like myself is physical activity. Fitness, running, and working out are all activities that I enjoyed long before I was pregnant; they have been stable, persevering components in my transitions from childhood, youth, to adulthood. To me, physical activity serves as a hope for normalcy; it makes me feel like myself and gently reminds me that there is a beautiful end to these nine months of persistent change—that at the end of this process, my most sought out dream will come true; I, Maham Abid, will be a mother.
Running has provided me with a sense of consistency throughout this changing process. And of course, I’m terrified that one day I’m going to go the doctor and they will tell me that I have to restrain from all physical activity, and become bedridden because they’ve detected some sort of risk. Ah! how could I authentically claim this entry without the resurfacing of my ever-familiar tendency to catastrophize? I try to soothe these fears by reminding myself that so far, everything is normal, healthful and unimpaired. I do not know about tomorrow, but today, I have no reason to believe that this fear will manifest itself into reality. And if there ever comes a day when I do have to deal with this fear, or any other fear, for that matter—then, I will deal with it when it arrives in the present. But, not one moment sooner.
Today, I will choose something different.
Today, I will celebrate, because today I am pregnant with my beautiful baby girl. Today, I can of share my joy of running and other physical activity painlessly and effortlessly with my beautiful daughter. Today, I am carrying a sweet little child in my changing body, and that is miraculous. It is all I’ve longed for since I’ve been old enough to walk.
I was reminded of this in my new years trip with my family.
As we were hiking in Chattanooga, we passed by a wishing well and my sweet husband offered me a penny so that I could make a wish. When he suggested this, an indescribable emotion surged through me with immense power. I paused and with eyes full of grateful tears, I looked up at my kindhearted husband and said: “Alhamdullilah (by the grace God), I have nothing to wish for. All my wishes are coming true.”
I am happy, healthy, loved, and able to extend love.
And now, (iA), I will soon be a mother to a sweet, angelic baby doll.
There may come a day when my little girl grows up and feels dejected, and like the world has let her down. She may begin to doubt her own dreams, passions and aspirations, whatever they may be. And that day (and every other day), I’ll look down into her beautiful eyes, and point out that SHE, in her very existence, serves as MY constant reminder that dreams really do come true.
Thank you so much for reading my blog! I will definitely try to keep posting, as it is a highly therapeutic experience for me ❤ I plan on talking about my fears, changes in my workout routine, nutrition, pregnancy and other ramblings. Comment below and let me know if you’d like to know more about something else!
Hi beautiful beings! ❤ It’s so wonderful writing to you again 🙂 Eeep. I love you!
Okay, So! I am so flipping excited about this blog series because it is near and dear to my heart! If you haven’t figured it out already, I LOVE CARDIO!!!!!! I’m not kidding, “the runners high” is a real thing. It’s the closest thing I get to meditation 🙂 If you are wanting to get into cardiovascular exercise, this extended blog post is going to be your best friend! I have twenty-two total tips for ways to enhance cardiovascular endurance, so…without further adieu, here are the first eleven 🙂
1. No stretching before working out: Contrary to popular belief, I recommend that you do not stretch before you embark on your endurance endeavor. Eee! You see what I did there? I used lots of words that started with an “e.” Yay for alliteration. Okay. So little things amuse me. Prior studies have shown that acute static stretching impairs muscle force and torque. In simpler terms, this means that that muscle strength is decreased when it is lengthened. Notice how they said static stretching.
Dynamic stretching- means movement stretching (like taking a walk before you’re going on a run) or warming up slowly on a bike before you’re about to go finish a spin class.
Static: the traditional type of stretching “ex: sit and reach”
Thank God for such a thing as muscle memory! The term refers to a common phenomenon in which various muscle-related tasks seem to become easier to perform after previous practice. When you train in a specific way for elongated periods of time, your body will adapt to the stress so that the task is easier to perform next time. There is some consensus among the runners I’ve spoken to in that some amount of “tightness” in muscles is actually beneficial. Retained tightness is necessary for proper alignment. With that being said, trust your body. If you want to reduce the risk of injury, I do highly recommend dynamic stretching.
2. Cross-training! I cannot emphasize this enough especially for beginners! When we, as impatient human beings, want to do something, we want to go all into it. But that’s a sure way to disaster. Seriously, I’ve experienced this myself so many times. I call myself an “endurance athlete” and not exclusively a “runner” because I train in several different ways to enhance my cardiovascular strength. I swim; I do elliptical training; I take spin classes; I do plyometric movements and I also run. Cross-training not only reduces the risk of injury and over-training but it also allows us to diversify training. Through cross-training, we are able to work out different various muscle groups so that we remain beautifully symmetrical and proportionate.
I think both bodies, and all bodies are beautiful. It really is up to personal preference.
3. So this one is going to be a little controversial: I would advise NOT to “bodybuild” or strength-train areas you don’t need excess mass on. The reason for this is that when you’re running longer periods of time, you don’t need excess mass to slow you down. The lesser the mass, the lesser the impact of the surface on your joints, J as an endurance athlete, I find that the only muscle groups I really NEED strength in are my legs and abdominal/back muscles. I don’t like strength training my legs because I find that my cardiovascular exercise already provides them with adequate tone. I do strength train my abdominals/back muscles to help with balance and alignment throughout the exercise.
4. Shorten your stride! Research From Dr. Bryan Heiderscheit of the University of Wisconsin (and others) demonstrates that a shorter, quicker stride reduces impact on knees and hips. This is greatly beneficial especially if you’re wanting to do long-duration endurance work. There is a tip I’d like to share with you: when you’re landing, try to put your foot down BEHIND you. Of course, this is not actually what’s going to happen, but it will help make you conscious of shortening your stride as much as possible.
5. STAY AS ERECT AS POSSIBLE. Do you think you’re standing AS tall as possible? Good. Now, stand even taller! Seriously. This is one tip that I think can apply to EVERYONE. It is so important!!!! Probably the most important one that I have to offer. If you are on the elliptical, or if you are running, STAND as TALL as possible. You should be able to draw a straight line throughout your body. Here’s my tips for ensuring that your posture is correct:
Your shoulders should be relaxed, slightly pushing down away from your head. Chest should be expanded and raised (think proud Tarzan!) Your abs should be contracted and almost pushing your ribcage UP so that the weight of your upper body is being supported by the back/abdominal muscles instead of the legs, which are already doing their share of work!
6. Arms and legs should be loose and as relaxed as possible! “So my abs are supposed to be completely tight, but my legs are supposed to be loose?” Yes. I won’t lie. This is going to feel super awkward at first. But, I promise with time, you will get better at “isolating” certain muscle groups. This will help you contract/relax different parts of your muscle groups more easily.
7. Run on an even surface. There is a reason that treadmills and running track were created the way they are! They provide an extra “bounciness” so that the overall surface impact on the knees and joints decreases. This is exactly what we need if we want to run longer periods of time!
8. Do have a speed day! This is commonly known as HIIT training. HIIT training will help strengthen the major muscle groups in the lower body. It also burns a ton of calories and adds variety to the fitness regimen
9. Do have ONE day of full rest (not active rest). Please take a day off from endurance training altogether. I promise; it helps out so much!!!! When you’re doing endurance work, rest is essential to recovery and prevention of burnout.
10. Have yourself a cool-down. No! Cool-down does not equal stretching. I take at least 5-10 minutes to cool down. When you are working out and have your heartrate elevated, your blood vessels are dilated, and your heart is pumping blood rapidly. Having an adequate cool down allows your body to return to a state of homeostasis or balance. This will ensure that you don’t get that weird jittery/ “I’m going to pass out” feeling after working out. 🙂
11. Avoid (or USE caution with) hip openers and pigeon poses in yoga: Like I mentioned before, there is an element of tightness that is necessary for hip/body alignment when it comes to endurance work (especially running/and elliptical training). Be very careful in hip opening poses because we don’t want to get “too open” or “too loose” to wear we will be at a greater risk for injury the next time we run!
I hope these were somewhat helpful to you! And, I hope that you know how loved and cared for you are 🙂
And don’t forget, tips 12-22 will be coming soon in Part II: Tips for Endurance Athletes ❤
Are you frustrated because you’re still not seeing results?
Well, take a read of my 20 top reasons you may not be seeing results.
1. Unclear goals. I believe that this is the number one reason people fail to see “results.” The way the human body works is quite simple–it adapts. It will make necessary changes and adjustments in its own physiology to better adapt to whatever stresses are being placed on it. In our case, the added stress is related to how/when/how often we are training. Often times, we do a bunch of different things, in no particular order or time and expect the body to respond in a specific way. Randomness is never going to lead to a specific outcome. So my #1 tip is to figure things out. What do you want? What type of body type do you desire? Are your goals to gain strength, gain muscle, lose muscle, loss fat, etc? Once you’ve established clear cut goals, do some research on it. What types of exercises do you need to do? How often? At what rate do you add a greater load your workouts?
Now, I want to tell you guys something really exciting. Eeep are you ready?
This blog post is only the first one in a SERIES of blog posts to come. So what are my next blog posts going to be about? In light of the fact that I think most people do not get the results they desire DUE to unclear goals, my next THREE blog posts are going to be a series of tips pertaining to three distinct fitness goals
Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
Tips to lose weight and excess bulk
ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS THE CAT?!?! Me too!!! ❤ giggles.
2. Misinformed post workout nutrition: you may not be eating at the proper time or the proper foods for your goals. For example, if your goal is to increase muscle tone and definition, it is a good idea for you to fuel up on an isolate protein snack within 30 minutes of a weight lifting session. On the contrary, if your goal is to lose excess bulk or muscle (ie; bulky quads), you should be avoiding ALL food at least forty five minutes after a moderate intensity cardio workout. This way the body is able to utilize the glycogen stores and then, and only THEN begin to burn through some of the excess muscle storage. More information about appropriate post workout nutrition in relation to your fitness goals will be posted in proceeding blogs.
3. You are overtraining the muscle you want to see shrink. This is a close #2 mistake I see women making. Numerous research has shown that even though women do not get as “bulky” as men, their lower body is more responsive to hypertrophy than any other part. This means that some of us may end up with bulkier legs than we prefer. When this happens, so many of us run to the cardio machines (stair master, elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike etc) in an attempt to burn more calories so we can lose muscle. In theory, this may work. However, what most girls forget is the “use it or lose it rule.” Intense forms of cardio are STILL working your leg muscles. If you are doing cardio everyday, you run the risk of overtraining the very muscle you want to see shrink. “Use it or lose it” applies everywhere. Train the muscles you want to see definition in to fatigue (for me this is arms, and abs). I steer away from training my legs to fatigue as I do not want the bulkier aesthetic for myself.
4. Not drinking enough water! This may be causing you to eat more, and retain more water.
5. Doing too much of the same thing: If you do what you have always done, you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten. That Robbins was a smart cookie, eh? A lot of issues can come up in your training if you continue to do the same sort of excercise day in and day out. First, your muscles will adapt to the load and therefore, it will be much harder for you to attain a “good workout” (I mean “good” in terms of effectiveness). Lessened variety of excercises within your regimen will force hypertrophy (growth) of certain muscles and ignore other muscle groups. This means that you may have more definition in one area (the area you are training), while completely lacking definition in other areas (the areas you are ignoring). Please include cross-training in your regimen. It has saved my world. Seriously. Please. Do it!
6. Nor resting enough: the next few reasons are going to come from the same basic background: that you are putting your body under a ton of stress. When your body feels excessive physiological stress, it begins to produce higher levels of cortisol to allow conservatory metabolic changes to occur. When there is a sustained increase in cortisol levels, your body may start to hold onto food as fat stores. So where does rest come into play? Lack of adequate rest can elicit your body to begin elevating its levels of cortisol! So be careful and take a rest day. 🙂
7. Creating too large of a caloric deficit: you may be working out like crazy and may have simultaneously cut your calories a little too much. Though this will eventually lead to weight loss (I’m talking months, people), the primary reaction is going to be one of stress. In fact, you are probably going to see the opposite results of what you want, initially. Your body will start retaining water like no other, which will lead to an overall “bigger” appearance as you will display signs of puffiness, inflammation and bloating. Furthermore, your body may decide to shift to survival mode and start storing everything you put in it into adipose tissue (or fat). My tip to avoid this from happening is: do as a turtle would do. Slow and steady wins the race. Also, creating too large of a caloric deficit and continuing to work out is a sure way to get injured.
8. Not getting enough zZzZzZz: Let’s talk sleep. If you are not getting enough sleep, you are putting your body in the “elevated cortisol” phase once more. It is under stress, and consequently, it’s going to start retaining water, become inflamed and react as if it is under attack. Also, as you all know, staying up at night can lead to binging on extra snacks, which may not be the best, depending on your fitness goals. So please don’t trade sleep for working out. It may be counteractive.
9. Getting too much sleep: Ah. Here’s that “moderation is key” mantra again. Too much sleep can affect your results too. 6-8 hours per night is optimal. Any more than that and you risk entering a robotic phase of what I like to call “sleep coma.” You know what I’m talking about. Those days where you feel entirely lethargic and tired throughout the day even though you slept a million hours. Getting too much sleep throws off your body’s natural circadian rhythm, pushing it off balance. We don’t want this.
10. Not instilling a proper warm up or cool down: When you are getting into the gym, chances are you haven’t been training for a marathon the whole day. This means that your muscles have been in a static phase. They need time to become “warm” and ready to go. So please take AT LEAST (and I mean, at the very least) 5 minutes to warm up the muscle group you are planning to work out. I, personally, take about 10-15 minutes to conduct a full body warm up. Numerous studies have shown that a proper warm up can also aid in injury prevention. AFTER you are done with your workout, a cool-down needs to take place. Your heart will be pumping blood like crazy; everything is rapid, and your blood vessels are dilated keeping your body at a hyper-alert stage. It is important to take time to cool down, and allow your body to return to homeostasis. A proper cool down can ensure that you don’t faint or begin to feel sick after your workout. Personally, I like to cool down for about 10-15 minutes– until my heart rate gets down to 100 level.
11. Overestimating expenditure: You’ve probably heard the saying– “a one hour workout is just 4% of your day.” Though this statement is meant to motivate, it does hold subtly important information. A one hour workout, regardless of the intensity, is just 4% of your day. A lot of us are guilty of going to the gym, giving it a 110%, and then remaining completely stationary for the next 23 hours. This can lead to an overestimation of expenditure, or how much we think we are burning. The more you move, the more you burn. For an average-sized woman, a one hour shopping spree (walk at the mall) can result in an additional caloric loss of 300-400 cal. My advice to you is: try not to remain stationary the entire day. I know that workouts are tough. Sometimes, you just don’t want to move after them. It is okay to sit/lay for a little bit to recover. However, try to stay on your feet most of the day and move around 🙂
12. Not tracking your food intake. This can lead to an underestimation of how much we are truly eating. Truth be told, calories are hard to burn. They really are. But they are so EASY (and yummy) to ingest. Regardless of your goal, I think it may be a good idea to track your food intake for a few days to see how much you are really eating. This way, you can tweak your workout program and nutrition regimen to optimize results. On a side note, PEOPLE! DRINKS COUNT AS CALORIES TOO. A few lattes from starbucks per day can result in anywhere from a 600 to 900 calorie gain.
13. Not having proper meals. Are you snacking all day? Every few hours? Yes, there has been research done that demonstrates that snacking frequently can rev up your metabolism, allowing you to burn more throughout the day. Though that is true, most people forget to mention the flip side of this phenomenon! When you “rev” up your metabolism with a snack, it means that your body is probably going to feel hungrier and want MORE food. So unless you have the discipline and self-control of a superhero, I recommend that you stick to 3 proper meals, and snack 2-3 times a day.
14. Yo-yo dieting and random working out: Like I said before, randomness will never lead to specificity. If you are not consistent in your method, you are not going to see consistent results. Doing too much, too often throws your body into confusion. So though, some variety is good, too much variety is chaotic. It will take a little bit of time for you to find that balance for you, but I promise, through practicing gentle curiosity and patience, you will discover it.
15. Rewarding yourself with food: There are so many things wrong with that statement. I literally cringed as I typed it up. First of all, food is not a reward. The mentality of using it in a punishment/reward system is very risky. This type of thinking is the root backbone of eating disorders, and compulsive eating behaviors. So, no, food is not a reward. You are not a pet who needs to be bribed with a “treat” to conduct a certain task. Food is fuel. It is a necessity that you need to sustain yourself and all the wonderful things that you accomplish. Please don’t use working out as a means to allow yourself certain foods. Coming from that place of motivation is highly stressful and distorted. (alright, alright, I am getting off my soap box now).
16. Sipping on popular sports drinks during workout: The popular marketed sports drinks are high in calories and sugar. Depending on the drink, you may, literally, be drinking all the calories you are burning. So take notice of what you put in your body. If you tend to get dizzy and want to make sure that you are replenishing your electrolytes, I would stick to plain water, and just mix in a packet of Emergen-C powder!
17. Taking too many breaks during your workout: Sometimes, we work out really hard for 5 minutes, and then start to look at our phone–“oh look, our best friend texted us with a funny picture of a cat eating noodles. Haha, how cute! We need to reply to this. Wait, why just reply in a text message? Let’s one up her! Let’s google funny pictures of cats and find an ubber hilarious picture and send it to her!” 15 minutes later…you’re still on that phone. Sound familiar? Put that phone down!!! Heart rate is changing number ya’ll. In order for it remain elevated, it needs to be maintained with consistent activity. Let’s make the most out of the 30 minutes-1 hour we are dedicating to ourselves and our bodies at the gym.
18. Got (no) patience? : So many of us need immediate gratification. We need to see those changes! And when we don’t, we are quick to walk out on the process. This is one of the simplest reasons we may not see results. If we’re not sticking to working out and seeing the process through, we’re not going to get the results. Sucks how that works, right?
19. Not listening to your body: On the contrary, you may not be listening to your own body . Are you trying really hard to make yourself into another transformation? In that process, you may be neglecting what your body is telling you. The truth is that you are not the same person as any of the other girls in the “transformation pictures.” No, I don’t care if your body may resemble hers. You are NOT her. This means that no work out program is going to be smarter than your own body. If a regimen that’s supposed to make you lose weight is actually making you gain weight, then you may want to change it up. But so often, we just keep going— hoping that with enough time, it will magically make us lose weight. The entire time, we ignore the signs that our body gives us. So, let your body be the primary judge–your primary guide. If you are hyper-vigilant and super aware of your body, you should see SOME change in 4 weeks. If it takes you a little bit longer to notice changes, you should see some by 6 weeks for sure. Again, notice that I said some results. They are probably not going to major life changing ones, but they should be enough to give you insight on how your body is responding to a certain regimen.
20. Don’t forget to love yourself: Alright, so this tip may not be the most “scientifically” correlated with seeing results, but I had to put it in here! It would feel inauthentic if I didn’t! 🙂 Take time to love yourself throughout the entire process–through the injuries, the messups, the falls, the small victories, the big wins, and all the rest. You are trying and you are human. This means that you are going to get there a little bit a time, not all at once. Take time to honor your body and what it can do for you, and most of all, trust it 🙂 It does so much to support you!
I love you all so much! I hope this was helpful ❤
And don’t forget, this was just the first post in a series of posts to come. Watch out for these next three blogs ❤
Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.
So, why haven’t I really written?
Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.
There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.
I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”
I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.
“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”
Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”
Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.
I am not worthless. I am human.
I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.
And that is okay.
But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.
And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!
Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.
Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?
I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.
As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.
Why doesn’t this apply to me?
Because I’m the antichrist. Right?
I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!
Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.
What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.
So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.
All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?
The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.
However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?
Wrong.
–Sigh-
Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if weshared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.
And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.
Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.
So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in. I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.
I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.
But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
abidmaham 