Monthly Archives: December 2023

I ponder about life...

You are ALWAYS wrong

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Overgeneralization.

Pun totally intended

So…

What is it? Why do we do it? How do we change it? Why do we want to change it?

All your answers will be found below.

First, let’s revisit what we were talking about with those zebras earlier. Our first blog in this series of fifteen natural ways we all naturally f*ck ourselves up was about polarized thinking.

Now who remembers what polarized thinking was?

I feel like I’m teaching again.

Crickets.

Yup.

Polarized thinking was a cognitive distortion—an inaccurate or distorted way of thinking that is not helpful to us, our interpersonal relationships and our environment.

Overgeneralization is another one.

A cognitive distortion, that is.

& it is going to be the 2nd one we talk about on my blog!

I have decided to do an educational series on my blog. Every week, I will post in detail about one of the 15 most common cognitive distortions.

Why???

My rationale (& desire) for doing this is so we can all review our own thinking patterns as we move into the new year.

So often our society talks about how feelings are not facts. As someone who pursued her Masters in Psychology, I can assure you that thoughts are not always factual either.

That means it doesn’t matter if you fall into the blessed left-brained, cognitive, and analytical quantitative group or the less preferable, messy, colorful, creative, right-brained, emotionally overladen group. It means that we are all…essentially FUCKED.

It doesn’t matter whether we are heart people or brain people.

It doesn’t matter if we feel more than we analyze

It also doesn’t matter if we analyze more than we feel.

Feelings are not facts.

And neither are thoughts.

Both are subject to system error-aka, the “human” error.

Because of how diversely tough life can be on all of us, we are all prone to developing biases in our ways of thinking. Prejudices–of sorts.

Our brains, which are hard-wired to notice patterns, make associations in an attempt to ultimately, arrive to more calculated decision in a shorter amount of time…can adopt ways of thinking patterns, or cognitive distortions, that are simply not helpful or accurate.

This week’s topic is overgeneralization. So what is it? Why do we do it? How do we know we are doing it? When does it become unhelpful? How do we stop it?

Read on.

What?

Overgeneralization is one of the fifteen cognitive distortions that are emphasized in psychology. It consists of a faulty perception or belief that causes one to judge oneself and others inaccurately. Those prone to probably said things like:

  • “I never do anything right.”
  • “No one will ever understand me.”
  • “Nothing ever goes my way.”
  • “All people, regardless of gender or culture, will always screw you over.”

A lot of people practice overgeneralizing each day and are completely unaware of it. The problem is that it leads to unnecessary anxiety and fear, and prevents us from taking healthy risks or attempting new things. As a result, we end up living below our potential for the majority of our autopilot lives.

Victims of overgeneralization tend to use absolute terms in their vocabulary quite often. Some common ones include

  • always/never
  • forever/never
  • all/none
  • everyone/ no one
  • everything/nothing

When/Where?

We can tend to overgeneralize at anytime , anywhere. It is important to be mindful of what triggers this unhelpful and distorted way of thinking for you. Everyone is triggered differently. Most people tend to use cognitive distortions such as overgeneralization and polarized thinking when they feel fearful. Again, fear can encompass and disguise itself as a lot of secondary emotions. Most people essentially are most vulnerable to overgeneralization when they feel helpless, hopeless, attacked, vulnerable, exposed and cornered.

Who?

Overgeneralization belongs to the family of common cognitive distortions. Just like all other fifteen of its’ sisters, overgeneralization is not much different. All cognitive distortions, or unhelpful patterns of thinking, are usually a result of maladaptation to some degree. They are often seen in individuals dealing with traumatic events, unmanaged stress, and those diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression.

How?

How do we stop it in its tracks when we find ourselves bound in its shackles?

Tip #1- Figure out your triggers.

Identify what triggers you.

A trigger can refer to anything— a person, place, sight, or sensation — that causes us to overgeneralize. The nuisance of triggers is that everyone has different ones. They are specific to each one of us and are heavily influenced by the feelings we have regarding our lives, self-esteem, others and environment. Another irritant is that we tend to engage in distorted ways of thinking, such as overgeneralization, when we are emotionally charged and feel cornered. Therefore, it is definitely difficult to recognize and become almost “meta-aware” of the fact that we may be clouded with our emotions. In highly charged emotional states, we are less likely to recognize the fact that we may be engaging in cognitive distortions. Despite how difficult it may be to catch ourselves engaging in unhelpful ways of thinking during highly emotional times, the rewards of becoming mindful and aware of our own shortcomings are multifold.

Tip #2- Become mindful of your vocabulary

When we find ourselves using overgeneralization as a defense mechanism, we often will use terms that are absolute. Absolute terms are rigid terms that do not allow any room for flexibility. When we catch ourselves using words like “all”, “none”, “no one”, “everyone”, “nothing” and “everything”, our emotions are usually looking for some validation from ourselves.

Tip #3- Practice reframing.

Reframing is a technique in psychology that encourages us to view a situation from a different angle. It’s an effective way to replace a negative thought with a more beneficial one. Reframing our thoughts pretty much consists of replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones instead. For example:

Instead of saying (and believing) things like “I suck at ______” or “I will never be good at _____”, try incorporating the terms “yet” & “and” instead of “but.” Practice saying (and believing) things like

  • I haven’ t been able to do it yet.
  • I haven’t solved that yet
  • I am not where I want to be, and I am not where I was.
  • I am not a saint, and I am not a sinner.
  • I am not perfect, and still worthy of love.

Reframing a situation can also mean taking more facts into account. It can look like choosing not to jump to conclusions. For example, instead of deducing that we can never do a specific task such as speak well in public, we can redirect our focus/thinking to more helpful questions

  • What was the reason for my “failing”? (Pressure, lack of preparation, etc.)
  • How can I improve?
  • What is the smallest thing I can do today to move in the direction towards improving?
  • What are the short-term steps I have to take to improve?
  • What are the long-term benefits to me taking time to change this about myself now so I don’t have to suffer later?

Through reframing, we often realize that most of your beliefs aren’t based in reality, which then opens up opportunities for positive change.

Tip #4- Keep practicing “positive” thinking.

Yes, I said what I said.

It is a practice.

It is a chore.

Congratulations Grumpy Cat.

So is everyone else’s if they don’t work on it actively.

It requires hard-work, and constant effort.

It is no means easy at first.

It takes time.

You will mess up.

Because so have I.

Some tips for encouraging our minds to more positive, helpful ways of thinking include

  • using positive affirmations
  • listening to uplifting messages (songs, sermons, lectures, books)
  • reading uplifting literature
  • watching funny videos
  • exercising
  • self-soothing
  • seeking therapy
  • learning adaptive coping strategies
  • keeping a gratitude list
  • surrounding ourselves with positive, optimistic individuals
  • getting out in the sun
  • taking a bath (for me)/something relaxing and nice for yourself that requires you to treat yourself.
  • calling a friend and to catch up
  • asking/noticing what we can do for those around us
  • volunteering
    • growing spiritually
    • reflecting on self in a nonjudgemental way
    • mindfulness & meditation (especially metta meditation)
    • doing something for someone else

Till next time!

Love you, all ways, always

15 ways to thinking better

We are not Zebras

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Who can relate to this?

…I start to feel more and more out of control and ironically, it makes me want to grasp onto any last straw of “control” I can imagine.

Human beings are quite the ironic creature. The more out of control and panicked we feel, the more we tighten our grasps around the very things that make us feel out of control. This just creates a negative feedback loop of B.S, that forces us to white knuckle our way through life instead of enjoying its dynamic ups and downs.

Eckhart Tolle, one of my favorite authors, stated:

I just lost my anger on someone that has been a trigger to me. After the heightened verbal exchanges comes the tsunami of regret, remorse, and guilt. We have all been guilty of saying hurtful things at the peak of our anger. The thing I learned about anger in pursuing my masters in counseling psychology is that it is merely a secondary emotion.

What does that even mean?

Anger is a secondary emotion , as it lends itself as a defensive approach to feeling some of the more vulnerable, scary primary emotions shown in the graphic above. Today, for me, the primary emotions were hurt, grief and helplessness. Let’s add a teaspoon of humiliation too.

I want to talk about anger and acceptance today. They seem like they are so contradictory, however, if we can begin to think of our lives in a dialectical manner, we can begin to hold space for two seemingly opposing schemas within ourselves. It is possible for two things to be true.

The reason it is so difficult for us average human beings to hold two seemingly paradoxical realities as true at the same time is because it creates tension in our psyche. In psychology, we refer to this tension as cognitive dissonance. This concept essentially outlines the natural stress and disharmony that result from trying to reconcile feelings or thoughts that simply do not align with one another.

Mankind has survived thus far due to his/her ability to view the world and start to view it in categories. Imagine being a child. There are so many overwhelming stimuli. In an attempt to understand the world around us, we begin to form associations, correlations through becoming aware of patterns.

This natural predilection only becomes problematic when we become too rigid in keeping all of our experiences boxed into neatly wrapped, homogenous compartments.

It does not feel comfortable to break out of those cute little patterns that have helped us make life more predictable.

This is “good” and that is “bad”. This is “right” and that is “wrong”. This is “satisfactory” and that is “unacceptable.” This type of rigidity leads to cognitive distortions.

Cognitive distortions involve negative thinking patterns that aren’t based on fact or reality. They often rely on faulty assumptions & unrelated associations that we have inaccurately made throughout our life.

The type of cognitive distortion I want to talk about today is called: Polarization.

Polarized thinking is an extreme simplification of reality. Things are either black or white, good or bad. We don’t see the nuances that exist between one extreme and another. People with this type of distortion feel comfortable placing reality between two extremes.

Why do we do it?

Viewing situations in extremes is something many of us do naturally. All human behavior is motivated by a self-serving need. Thinking in extremes allows us to narrow down experiences into simple categories. Essentially, it is an oversimplification technique that gives us the false feeling of “being in control.” For example, if we can define it in two absolute categories, life becomes a lot more predictable.  Polarized thinking can help us simplify and process information as we receive it, allowing for easier understanding and faster decision making.

How do we avoid it?

In case you didn’t see this coming–surprise! Life is not black and white. Life is meant to be lived in all of its confusing colors. I know I sound like Pocahontas in my debut of “Colors of the Wind”, however, I do begrudgingly concur. There are just too many extraneous variables that affect everything we do, say, feel and think; we cannot oversimplify and attribute one thing with another without considering all factors. Read on for some helpful pointers when you find yourself stuck in black and white thinking.

Tip #1- Learn to view EVERYTHING on a spectrum

To those of you still traumatized by statistics, I’m sorry for the following diagram.

Every thing, person and situation falls within a spectrum. The above curve is called a “normal distribution” in statistics. Many of our pathopsychological issues arise when we move out of the green and orange zones into the red zone.

When we begin to view the world around us in absolutes, it leaves no room for change. As many spiritual practices and biological disciplines demonstrate–change is the only constant in life. What this essentially means is that the THE ONLY THING WE CAN COUNT ON FOR SURE IS THAT EVERY SINGLE THING IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE.

Stagnation is death; human beings, much like every other species in the cladogram of life learn, grow and adapt. Therefore, it is very simple-minded to speak of ourselves or others in absolutes. We all possess a range of complex emotional expression. Furthermore, this range is not fixed. It can be expanded through active pursuit of self-improvement.

Tip #2- Become aware of your vocabulary

Avoid using absolute terms such as “always” and “never”. Become aware of when you use them, and challenge your logic. Do you, without a reasonable doubt, have every single reason to believe that you are a failure? Probably not. Do you, without a reasonable doubt, have every single reason to believe that you are perfect and infallible? Probably not.

People often use the words “always” or “never” to emphasize what the statement they’re making.  In reality, however, there are very few aspects of life where “always” or “never” are actually relevant and applicable.

Tip #3- Incorporate “and”, “yes”, & “yet” into your everyday vocabulary

Broadening binary thinking can improve cognitive flexibility. If you’re interested in learning how to stop polarized thinking, try to engage an extreme thought by exploring it with “yes, and.”

  • “Yes, I faced difficult things, and I also experienced good moments this week.”
  • “Yes, I’m a good person, and sometimes I make mistakes.”
  • “Yes, I’m not where I want to be and I’m also not where I was.”
  • “Yes, I am doing the best I can and I can continue to improve.”
  • “Yes, I struggle with _____ and I haven’t quite found a manageable solution yet.”

Tip #4- View yourself & others as holistic, inclusive beings.

Just like eating one salad didn’t make you immediately drop 3 jean sizes, missing one workout will not make you gain 4 back.

It’s an analogy. The point is that we did not become the way we are overnight. We have all lived unique lives with personalized experiences that have shaped our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We are a collection–an amalgamation of ALL of our experiences, interactions and reflections.

When we begin to view ourselves through a more encompassing, broadened lens, we start fostering self-compassion, and acceptance. Adopting this type of view helps circumvent the pattern of thinking errors.

Tip #4- Triple Column Analysis

Begin to challenge your thoughts through a simple triple column analysis. Stanford University found statistically significant results in resilience and mood when comparing those who used this method and those who didn’t. Use the following example as a template for any emotionally overladen automatic belief/thought that arises for you ❤

Love you, all ways, always!