Tag Archives: psychology

Trauma

I Was Wrong

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For the last few months, I have taken a deep plunge into healing. After years of therapy from all different modalities, I found very little difference. My life would be fine and “functional” for a few years, only to be followed by an inevitable crash. I’ve been through this cycle for most of teens and all of 20s. Each time, I picked myself back up only to white-knuckle my way through “functionality”–until, the inevitable crash.

For so long, these “crashes”—long periods of depression, psychosomatic symptoms, and lapses of complete dysfunction–seemed unrelated. I would excel in work, friendship, and relationships only to lose all of them. Time and time again, I felt dejected, humiliated and utterly worthless.

Why do I keep messing it up? What is wrong with me!?

In the aftermath, I sought out help–only to help me get back on my feet again and once I felt “ready” enough, I plunged in headfirst into work, relationships and life with even more resolve and stubbornness.

I can’t let him win. I can’t let trauma win. I HAVE to do it right, this time!

Yet, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it in a sustainable manner.

For decades, I deluded myself into thinking that I could “white-knuckle” it through life. I danced between diagnoses, swapped out medications, changed therapists, implemented new strategies from the self-help book of the season; yet, every single intervention yielded minimal results.

This year, I was forced to face the lingering effects of unaddressed trauma; my body gave me no choice. The unprecedented seizures, fainting episodes, and gaping lapses of memory loss jilted me to my very core. I was desperate, in more ways than one. Some days, I was more scared of the seizures and syncope episodes; other days, I found myself begging God that they take my life.

I found myself in an impossible situation where I was equally scared of death and of life

It was this very predicament that finally brought me to the doorstep of surrender. I didn’t know what more to do; every willful intervention of mine had not worked. I didn’t want to die and I certainly was not living. I thought if I was just strong enough, stubborn enough, knowledgeable enough…I would be able to “beat it”. In my case, knowledge was not power. I went to school to get a masters degree in psychology; I studied the ins and outs of different modalities & dissected the interventions of esteemed theorists. As a counselor, I became adept in helping others navigate through their own hardship and grief–but I could do nothing for myself.

Knowledge, in my case, was my Achilles. It brought me hubris, and an unhelpful sense of intellectual arrogance. My training in counseling and psychology bred an avid resistance to be treated. I thought I knew better, so I refused the treatment prescribed for me by other mental health professionals.

But, knowing better doesn’t always lead to doing better.

There is a reason that mental health professionals and doctors cannot treat themselves or their loved ones. Sometimes, we are just too close to the subject. In my case, I was the subject and could do very little to help. There is a reason “blind spots” are called just that. We cannot pinpoint them using our own biased way of thinking.

The problem cannot be solved using the same mind creating it.

In June of this year, I finally got to a point where I could no longer tolerate the suffering. Now, I have come to realize that the suffering was being perpetuated by my relentless need to be in control.

We must let go of the need to control to gain it.

Five months ago, I begrudgingly started the process of EMDR. Despite years of others suggesting it for me, I resisted it at all costs–all because, I simply did not know how it would work. I had no faith in the process. How could moving my eyes a certain way help unpack layers of complex trauma? It honestly sounded laughable.

Yet, here we are.

I am no where close to being “healed”, but the beautiful paradox is that I’ve let go of the idea of being “healed.” It is no longer some faraway, unachievable destination that torments me; it is here, and now. Throughout the EMDR process, my healing has been anything but linear; it has ebbed and flowed with life itself, and there is infinite beauty in that. I no longer find myself fantasizing of a perfectly “healed Maham”; I no longer torture myself by comparing my “now” to that preconceived ideal.

My suffocating grip on the rigid definition of “healing” has loosened.

Day by day, I’m learning to experience myself as I am. And, dare I say, life would not be intolerable if I remain who I am today, for all of my days. The rigid parameters I placed around creating “a good life” are slowly dissolving. These days, progress seems far more promising than perfection; I find myself welcoming minor setbacks as necessary precursors to growth and “healing”.

I am starting to assess “healing” by my ability to tolerate feeling.

Bit by bit, I am starting to work through unspeakable pain. In doing so, I’m finding acquaintances in connection, love, and even ephemeral joy.

Nowadays, I find that even gratitude chooses to sit by me sometimes.

Thank God, I don’t have all the answers. Thank God, I don’t understand everything. Thank God for the realization that I never had to.

Thank God, I finally had the courage to be wrong.

— because of it, I’m finally being led to what feels right.

❤

Teaching

STEP 1: HOW TO REGAIN CONTROL OF A CLASSROOM

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Hi there! Welcome to the first post of a new series!

Over the last month and a half, I have had to take on the grueling and intensely rewarding task of taking on a classroom full of fiercely independent toddlers. Any teacher (or parent, for that matter) knows that very few situations make us feel as utterly helpless as a defiant toddler screaming “NO!”—for the millionth time that second.

2 months ago, I would have told you I have a pretty solid hold on classroom management; after all, I’ve wrangled in headstrong middle schoolers for years.

Today, I can tell you that I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to shift to teaching younger kids. Toddlers are no joke. Just when you think you’ve got them down, they change!

Being a Pre-K teacher has forced me to break out of my rigidity; It has caused me to become brutally honest with myself. I have had to construct, deconstruct, rebuild, and revise my strategies daily because my tiny humans change every hour!

Teaching toddlers is like looking at myself in one of those magnified concave mirrors; every flaw–every insecurity–every mark I’ve ever tried to “conceal” becomes glaringly obvious.

It’s almost as if they possess this superhuman capability of detecting bullsh*t. With them, there is no “faking it”. Try as we may, we cannot fool these tactful tots. They just know. I don’t know how. I don’t know why–but, they just DO.

My toddlers have a peculiar and oddly reliable way of measuring our genuineness. Long before I utter a single word, they have already picked up on my energetic field. If I’m stressed, they know. If I’m happy, they know. If I’m in a “NOT TODAY” mood–they know.

It’s eerie.

So…..-drum-roll-

My first suggestion when interacting with this age group has nothing to do with them. It has to do with YOU.

Suggestion #1- Never EVER try to be anyone other than YOURSELF.

It is too easy and albeit natural to take on the “act” of being the “reasonable adult.” We want them to think we have it all together. In fact, sometimes, we get so stuck in this stoic facade that we forsake and ignore our true feelings.

Much like politicians, we become so focused on being diplomatic and societally “correct” that we forget to be human.

Because it is so important, let me reiterate this once more–

We CANNOT teach humans if we cannot own our own humanity.

And being human means we make mistakes–a lot of them.

Humans are not created to be sterile, or robotic; we are relational beings. We thrive off connection and a sense of belonging. As a result, we possess a wide variety of emotions. Human beings have the ability to feel sadness, joy, anger, love, jealousy, fear, excitement and so much more.

It is easy to own the lighter, happier emotions. But, what about the ones that can feel overwhelming? What about stress? What about anger?

It’s ironic because when I’m especially stressed, I tend to CLING even more to that “persona” of an “adult” who has everything “under control”. But… it’s a facade.

You know that.

And they know too.

Underneath my “cool and collected” front lies a torrential HURRICANE of panic, doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty.

And they feel it (sometimes, long before I do).

This leads me to my first (and most grave) error.

The biggest mistake I’ve made as a pre-school teacher is not sharing my “true self” with my students.

And honestly, in retrospect, I feel so silly about it. I wasted ample energy trying to conceal my more “difficult” emotions. As a result of my not expressing my true feelings, my classroom fell into a vicious negative feedback loop.

The more stressed I felt, the more my students acted out. The more my students acted out, the harder I tried to maintain the illusion of being an “unshakeable adult.” Despite how calmly I spoke, or how much I lowered my voice, my students picked up on the menacing angst brewing within me–

every. single. time.

I felt like this lady all day, every day.

It’s honestly annoying.

They can sense FAKENESS from MILES away!

The truth is–they don’t need a”made-up” person who has it all under control. They didn’t need the teacher that I was desperately trying to be.

What my toddlers needed all along was…ME.

They craved to connect with the real ME.

Kids, at this age, NEED an adult to express difficult emotions such as anger, sadness, and anxiety. They want us to identify our feelings, own them, say them out loud, and normalize them.

When we express our emotions to them, we are helping them to make sense of their own jumbled-up feelings. Communicating “big” emotions such as anger and anxiety helps us demonstrate adaptive ways of handling them. In those moments, we show (not tell) them how to effectively handle overwhelming emotions. We model how to handle conflict.

They watch how we respond to our own feelings. That is where true learning happens.

The goal, I found, is not to be an adult who shows little to no emotion.

The goal is to become more mindful of our own emotions so that we can express them in a healthy way. By doing that, we create opportunities for children to learn how to handle their own feelings in an appropriate manner.

We can’t tell them how to do it. We must show them how to do it.

And it has to be genuine.

I learned this the hard way.

I tried arduously to keep up the “facade”, but one day, I broke. I could no longer remain “calm” and “serene” in a classroom full of running toddlers who refused to listen. They were throwing toys, grabbing one another, jumping off chairs, and ripping up activities that I had planned for them. I wasn’t okay with that. In fact, I was NEVER okay with that. So what changed?

That day, though, one major thing happened:

I SHOWED them I wasn’t okay with it.

“EXCUSE ME!” I yelled, “SIT DOWN, RIGHT NOW!”

Most of the class came to a screeching halt. They had not heard me yell or lose my cool before.

“ENOUGH!” I said, “WE are ALL DONE!

“no more,” I whispered.

Of course, I had the few that thought I didn’t mean what I was saying. So, I, physically, walked over to them, held their hands, and gently led them back to their seats.

When everyone was sitting, I took a few deep breaths in and out. I took my time to cool down. I let them see me inhale, and exhale loudly. As I stood in front of the class, there was utter silence. All eyes were glued to me.

When I finally spoke again, I lowered my voice so much that they struggled to hear what I was saying.

“Ms. Abid comes in here every SINGLE day–excited to see all of you,” I whispered.

“It makes me so angry and sad when you all do not listen to what I am saying.”

“It makes me think that you don’t like having me as your teacher.”

As expected, students quickly jumped into reaffirm me: “That’s not true.” “Look, Ms. Abid! I’m listening.” “I’m sitting down!”

I gave them the opportunity to express their feelings, and only proceeded to speak when they were all silent again.

“I hate yelling at you all. It doesn’t make me feel good,” I told them. And, I honestly meant it.

“BUT”, I emphasized, “if you continue to act like this, I will NOT tolerate it.” And this time, I honestly meant it.

For the first time ever, I felt like they all heard me.

“Do you understand?” I asked my class.

They all nodded.

“Are you SURE?” I inquired, one more time.

They all nodded.

I spent the next few minutes walking around the classroom, approaching each student, and kneeling down to their level. I gently touched their arm or shoulder to get their attention. When I saw them sustain direct eye contact, I asked each, and every student to rephrase what I had just said in their own words.

And they did.

I wish I could say that everything changed that day– that I had no more problems with students acting out and everyone lived happily ever after.

But, that’s unrealistic.

It’s even more unrealistic when working with toddlers.

What I CAN say, however, is that I have RARELY found myself yelling after that day.

My expression of anger certainly got their attention, however, I can’t say that it was what kept their attention.

I attribute their increased listening ability to my letting them see me for who I am. This single change allowed numerous opportunities for my students to connect with me. As people, we cannot connect with an “illusions.”

Every day after that dreaded day, I made it a point to show up as myself—just as myself—a fallible human who is trying to learn them just as much as they are trying to learn me.

The BEST thing I did was I dropped the facade.

When my students stressed me out, I told them. When they did something to make me happy, I told them. When I felt sick or drained, I told them. When I felt dissatisfied or disappointed with their actions, I told them.

My genuine communication has been the precursor to building strong relationships with each one of my kids.

What I’ve learned is…

Taking ownership of ALL of our emotions is the bravest thing we can do—

For ourselves, AND for our children.

When we forbid ourselves to feel and express complicated emotions, we take away the chance to successfully show our little friends how to REGULATE their feelings.

So much has changed since the day of my “outburst.”

Nowadays, if you were to walk into my classroom, you would find it to be far more lighthearted.

By letting them see me, I have allowed them to build authentic connections with me.

Connection is key; no one wants to learn from someone they cannot relate to.

These days, I don’t need to get so intense. When I see my students veering off expectations, I say things more sarcastically (yet, keeping firm)…

.”okay…ya’ll are doing too much now.”

“_________(student name), you’re being a little too extra today.”

“Dear lord, yall are stressin’ me out…I’m no fun to be around when I’m stressed.”

“Whoa! We have a lot of energy today! Would you like to go outside before we do circle time?” Giving them options has been immensely helpful in reducing power struggles.

When all else fails, I flat out ask them, “are you acting out because you want my attention?”, and you’d be surprised at how many times they answer “yes.”

The thing is…all behavior is communication.

Being a teacher is all about getting more skilled at deciphering their behavior.

Getting to know each of my students has not only helped the classroom environment become less stressful, but also made it so much more fun…even for me!

Nowadays, I find myself dancing, singing, playing, building, and being silly with my kids. I get to celebrate their little victories and guide them through poor choices by offering them alternative solutions.

Most days, I would tell you that being a pre-K teacher is SO MUCH FUN!

And, if you have toddlers, you already know…if there is fun involved, our tiny humans will be the first ones there!

Stay tuned for more.

Love you, all ways, always.

Ms. Abid

motherhood, My struggles, Uncategorized

Last name: Ever; First name: Worst

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Hello my friends,

I know I’ve been posting a lot about the “highlights” of my journey. However, I don’t want to promote toxic positivity; in reality, my journey really has been a roller coaster ride; ever since I found out that I had PCOS, which naturally perpetuated insulin resistance, my world and body have made a complete 180.

Or that’s what I’d ideally like to think.

I have made some serious changes to my diet and exercise. The amount of discipline I’ve dedicated to restoring my health has been somewhat of a shock to me. Honestly, at the beginning of April, I wondered if I’d ever be able to stick with a routine.

Don’t get me wrong. I AM proud of myself.

But, today is just not one of those days I feel that way.

Have you ever cued into your body’s messages and realized that something feels off–like you’re off-centered, or off-balance?

Yet, for the life of it, you cannot seem to pinpoint the concrete event that triggered that feeling in the first place.

Today, I’ve been experiencing unsettling sensations in my body. I can feel, intuitively, that something has triggered me; however, I can’t seem to place my thumb on what that trigger was. These icky sensations have started to manifest themselves physiologically as well.

I feel like I got hit by a train today. That’s especially strange since yesterday was a rest day; my body “should” be feeling rejuvenated but it doesn’t. I’ve felt more fatigued today than I have in the last 30 days. So much so that I had to call out of work as I was barely able to wake up.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!?

It’s so strange because if I witness my mind, I can catch myself wandering towards self-sabotage. An odd feeling; I encourage everyone to try it. It’s like having an out-of-body experience. You start having thoughts like:

Whoa! “Maham” really wants to act on the urge to self sabotage. “Maham” is feeling really upset. “Maham is wanting to act out.”…

Speaking of acting out, I ate all the carbs I could today.

Even though, I knew they would make me feel horrible. And they did.

My body literally sent them right back up, and out. And you know what I did afterwards?

EAT MORE CARBS.

WTF

So with that knowledge, most would find it reasonable to go on a run, take a good pilates class, or engage in some HIIT; most would move towards the direction of improving their present situation.

But not me.

I have continued lying in bed, in and out of sleep, literally paralyzed with this insidious feeling of unease.

And it’s not because I have no one to share these painful feelings with. It’s more of an inability to ACTUALLY get myself to a place where I feel courageous enough to be seen & heard.

It feels like crazymaking when you can acknowledge the support system around you, and STILL not utilize it.

This “off” feeling is undoubtedly affecting my relationship with Ayrah– which honestly leads tomy feeling even more worthless.

I swear, children are so intuitive; nothing gets past them. I’ve seen it happen with infants, toddlers, elementary school children and even our middle schoolers. Similarly, I can try and put on my best facade for Ayrah, but she can read right through the BS to my true energy.

The million dollar question…

WHY has some part of me become hellbent on destroying the progress I’ve made?

I…don’t know.

that is the most authentic answer I can give to all of you and myself right now.

I don’t know about yall, but not “knowing” makes me feel even more nervous. Uncertainty and I still are building a relationship. On my best days, I’m able to tolerate it. That’s it though.

There has been no embracing it with open arms or making it an ally 🚫

and then I get so HARD on myself….!

I “should” know right? I “should” be able to pick myself up out of this one random overcast day, right?

I should–especially because I have a Masters in this “mind stuff”. I’ve been taught the stuff to say, the interventions to use, given the worksheets to utilize and skills to practice….

If I was trained & entrusted with helping others walk through their uncertainty & triggers, shouldn’t i just be able do it for myself???

……

But I can’t.

THAT is the confounding paradox.

Something is wrong. I don’t know what it is. But, I feel it with such a powerful intuition! For my yogis, and reiki companions, I feel a palpable blockage in my throat and heart chakras. It’s like there’s a disruption between what my heart is feeling and my ability to communicate it to my environment 🌏

It feels like there is a frog in my throat. Like each time I attempt to speak up, the “cat gets my tongue” and I’m left a blubbering mess.

I feel similar to what Hansel & Gretel might’ve felt–I’m trying to find my way to a specific, concrete destination while not knowing where/what it is.

It’s interesting becauseI can tell my body is trying to communicate with me. I find the unsettling somatic sensations analogous to the bread-crumbs that Hansel and Gretel dropped on their path. They are clues that are meant to lead me back home. These visit sensations are trying, relentlessly, to communicate with me. They are constantly alerting me of the deviation from our natural emotional homeostasis.

I don’t know about you, but I often find myself starting to let shame slip through the doors during times like this. It’s hard not to.

The inner critic takes center stage and starts declaring these statements that sound ludicrous, that are ludicrous, and yet somehow…they still affect me.

“Omg! You ate a mini can of Pringles today…all your progress is ruined.! You’re a failure. Save yourself the dissapointment of keeping up with a healthy diet or workout routine, because we both know you’re going to fail. Do you want to feel that worthless again? So stop while youre ahead.”

When I type it out, it sounds crazy; I know it does.

What’s even crazier is that when it’s not typed out–and instead, fired directly from my brain to my body, without enough time for reflection, I actually start to BELIEVE the unreasonable monologue.

I know that a lot of people who have experienced trauma go through similar experiences. Trauma tends to fragment our thoughts, emotions and sensations in an attempt to protect us from overwhelming pain. The final part of trauma recovery involves the integration of these “compartments” and I can’t honestly say that I have completed full reintegration. Sure, there are times when I feel more integrated than others. however, at times like this…I feel at a loss

.

Many trauma researchers have theorized that painful emotions during a traumatic event usually get stored in the body as tension and pain. If not treated, these may lead to the onset of physical diseases.

Consequently, it makes perfect sense that the body could experience discomfort long before the mind can subconsciously pull out, and identify the focalized trigger or cascade of events that caused the unsettling sensations in the first place.

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend my friends undergoing trauma recovery to pick this book up. It is a life changer!

Sigh– since I’m at a loss, I’m going to throw it out to you guys!

What do you do if/when you feel this way?

I am trying to practice self-compassion but I feel so much shame—especially in the motherhood arena.

I get Ayrah only during the holidays so I put this extra pressure on myself to ENJOY and spend every single moment with her. It’s unrealistic.

and when I’m unable to do so, I feel like I’m a horrible mother. i feel like a failure. I feel like I’m inflicting these massive, irreversible wounds of abandonment or trauma in my child. But I KNOW that children are resilient. I KNOW that you don’t have to be the perfect parent; you just have to be ENOUGH. But KNOWING those things is not enough to stop the distorted thoughts from morphing into deep shame.

“Look at you…”, my mind snarls, “you go teach other parents’ kids all day long–you give them your best, only to come home to your child completely depleted, drained, and grumpy. She gets to have ethe worst of you. Great job, Maham.”

“And oh yeah, let’s not forget that you don’t even get for the whole year. She’ll be gone by the end of the summer, probably thanking God that she doesn’t have to be around a wreck of a mother.”

Thoughts like these create that dreaded negative feedback loop, where my belief of failing keeps me from being authentic and present with my child. When I’m not transparent with Ayrah, she can sense it and I know she can sense it. That just results in my confirming the “belief” that I’m a “failure”. And round and round we go…

till it bleeds into every and ANY interaction I have with my wonderful, magnificent daughter.

For now, I’m going to ride this wave out, let the emotions move through me, deliver their messages and move OUT of me. I want to keep you all updated as it helps me stay accountable.

In the meantime, I’d really appreciate any advice, ideas or suggestions about how you’ve managed to stay “relatively” sane through these ” emotional ruts”. And if you don’t have any, it would mean so much to me if you could practice enough vulnerability and share similar struggles that you may have had. Brene Brown, renowned author and sociologist, states that the most POWERFUL words we can communicate to one another during a time of pain or shame are “Me too”. I believe this is because it helps normalize the icky feelings we all may feel from time to time. For me, it lets me know that I’m not crazy or alone in feeling these ways at times. I hope its okay to KNOW what to do yet still not quite have mustered the motivation to actually implement it.

Would ❤️ to hear from you,

Till tomorrow—here is to hoping I don’t eat the entire Costco box of all the Pringles containers by the AM 😉

Love you, all ways, always.

🅜🅐🅗🅐🅜 🅐🅑🅘🅓

15 ways to thinking better

Your Future Looks 100% Morbid

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Fortune-Telling

A twin sister of mind-reading, who happens to be just as convincing in the least helpful ways is….

drum-roll!!!!!!

Albert Einstein, one of my favorite scientists said: “we cannot solve problems from the same thinking patterns we used in creating them.” This means, we cannot use the same patterns of thinking that manifested the problem to try and construct solutions that will actually work.

That is why it is so essential to become aware of these common cognitive distortions. Once we can develop a meta-cognition, of sorts, to observe the faulty patterns of cognition our minds may have developed over time, we can begin to solve deep-seated issues within our psyche.

Fortune telling, much like mind-reading, is a branch in the family of cognitive distortions associated with jumping to conclusions. Fortune telling is a cognitive distortion that predisposes us to favor and predict a negative outcome without realistically considering the actual odds of that outcome.

This type of predilection towards worst-case scenarios is usually linked to anxiety and depression. Most often, those of us struggling through an active anxious or depressive episode display skewed thinking about the world and ourselves.

In fact, when I was practicing counseling in New Orleans, fortune telling was actually one of the most common cognitive distortions that came up for my clients. They seemed to have this eerie unbased “knowledge” that things would just end in a very catastrophic way without any real logical evidence to believe so.

The process of taking some of these rehearsed faulty patterns of thinking and retraining the brain to replace them with helpful, more realistic and healthy patterns is called cognitive restructuring.

In psychology, especially among therapists that employ the CBT modality, cognitive restructuring is a technique used heavily to help individuals become aware of the age-old narratives they come in telling themselves. After appropriate reflection, clients are then challenged to analyze whether or not they would like to change their self-talk and automatic narratives. If clients decide that the benefits of change outweigh the price of staying the same, the therapist works directly with the client and helps reframe unhealthy automatic core beliefs to more helpful, healthy and productive ones. That is the goal of cognitive restructuring.

Our deepest beliefs, or cognitive schemas, are essentially the byproduct of a well-rehearsed story that we have knitted together through our own lifespan. Some of the meanings that we assign to our experiences are conscious, however, the process of forming our patterns of thinking are largely done by subconscious sources.

We see our beliefs reflected in our thoughts, feelings and actions. Our behaviors are the closest indicators of our true internal thermostat and core beliefs. The simplified medical way of looking at cognitive distortions is that once patterns are repeated, the brain simply learns an efficient, easier pathway of firing to arrive at a faster “action state”.

Here comes out the nerdy part of me! Something you may or may not know about me is that I pursued a double bachelors in Biological Sciences and Organic Chemistry in college. I graduated valedictorian of the college of sciences from College of Charleston with a summa cum laude. Studying the human body so closely sparked an interest within me to try to understand the mechanisms of the neuroplastic mind. That is precisely why I pursued my masters degree in Psychology and Counseling with a specialization in clinical mental health.

Anyway….

I want to quickly, and simply (hopefully) explain how our brains learn. The reason for this is because once we all are familiarized with the basics behind memory recollection, and how our brain creates meaning, we can begin to work WITH its natural wiring to develop more helpful patterns of thinking.

I view human beings as holistic creatures, and in no way would I ever advocate working against certain parts of ourselves. We are a unique collection of experiences, thoughts, behaviors, actions, cultures, and feelings. The more we understand each one of those compartments, the faster we can work with all facets of ourselves to improve overall life quality.

At every moment, our brain orchestrates a complex symphony of perfectly coordinated, and intentional signals across billions of neurons. These neurons, then, transmit the signals through trillions of synapses, lighting up pathways of the brain that are associated with a similar event (firing of dendrites). Becoming familiar with this complex neural circuitry enables us to start to understand the processes that work together to enable all aspects of brain function.

When we are learning something, neurons in different parts of the brain communicate with each other. If two neurons interact frequently enough, they form a connection that allows them to transmit messages more easily, efficiently and “accurately” (or so it thinks).

The more often certain neurons communicate with one another, the more fortified their connection gets. As a result, it becomes easier & easier for our automatic thoughts to follow in line with that same familiar thinking pattern. Use it and improve it!

Similarly, the principle “use it or lose it” also holds true. Because there is such an infinitely overwhelming number of different pathways our brain cells can fire, most human beings tend to undergo a process of synaptic pruning. Essentially, “synaptic pruning” is just a fancy scientific way of saying “use it or lose it”

As we grow older, neural circuits that are not being actively engaged in performing tasks begin to degrade. Quite literally, this means if we do not use an area of our brain for a prolonged time, we will lose the function that was previously stored there.

The hope of so many psychological modalities lies in the neuroplasticity of the brain. Our saving grace lies in the fact that we can, with time and consistency, retrain our brains to think (and eventually, believe) differently. We have the power to wholly replace negative thought patterns with positive ones–literally, changing the very wiring of our brains.

That is some pretty powerful stuff.

If we have learned it, we can unlearn it.

Furthermore, we can also learn something else–something entirely new—something more conducive to our well being.

This is where cognitive restructuring can literally change our lives (if we let it).

Much like everything else, it takes a lot of practice and it takes times. Therefore, it is important to be gentle with ourselves throughout the process of rewiring our thinking. We didn’t just “think” ourselves into who we are overnight. By that same token, we cannot “outthink” ourselves into somebody new overnight either.

Tip #1- Challenge your thoughts by asking very basic, simple questions.

Tip #2- Use the ABC model to help slow down and track thoughts so that we can begin to change them.

What is an “ABC” Model?

The goal of conducting the ABC analysis is to truly get to our core beliefs that trigger our thoughts and feelings. Once we target what our core beliefs are, we can analyze them and figure out if they are based in reality and if they are helpful to us or not.

ABC models are most helpful when done on paper. There is something about writing things down that allows our brain to slow down processing and truly pause.

Examples of ABC models that have been done

Example 1: End of Relationship

Example 2: Social Anxiety

Example 3: Performance Anxiety

Tip #3- Use a “Behavior Chain Analysis” to monitor new and old behavior

The basic set-up for a chain analysis is as follows:

I encouraged all my clients to do at least two behavioral chain analyses. The first one should depict what would (continue to) happen in each of the categories if the core belief was left unchanged. The second one should ideally depict what would change in the respective categories if the core belief were to be challenged.

Example of Behavioral Chain Analysis utilized in CBT

Tip #4- (If you really want to do some serious cognitive “soul searching)…try some DBT or CBT worksheets that help prompt you to examine your core beliefs.

For our purposes, I am going to upload a copy of worksheet that I have used and given others to use when I find myself jumping to conclusions, engaging in mind-reading or becoming my own self-anointed fortune teller.

Page 1

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Until next time ❤

Try to avoid getting caught in stinkin thinkin!

Love you, all ways, always.

15 ways to thinking better

2024 is going to suck.

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This week, we will be returning to one of our mind’s most revered, well-rehearsed, and absolutely maladaptive ways of thinking, or what were they called again???

COGNTIVE DISTORTIONS!

Distortion, who?

WARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Cognitive distortions are unhelpful ways of thinking that are adopted throughout the lifespan of a human. They are usually adopted as defense mechanisms in immediate acute stages. However, if they continue to linger on and become a part of our daily routines, they become highly problematic. All cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are usually cultivated during a crisis–a short-term response to an emotionally overcharged situation. They are not inherently “good” or “bad.” They are just mere momentary defense mechanisms to help us get through immediate tension. When they become more overarching in our lives, they begin to infiltrate our day-to-day life and cripple our interpersonal connections and self-evaluation.

This week, WE will discuss one of the triplets of a a family of cognitive distortions.

The FATHER of this family is jumping to conclusions.


In psychology, this distortion branches out into three categories:
1. Mind-reading
2. Fortune-telling
3. Labeling.

So…what does each one pertain? Why do we engage in these negative ways of thinking? Most importantly,how do we catch ourselves in the midst of it so we can begin to stop it?

Here is your one-step stop for nipping these types of unhelpful patterns of thinking in the bud.

Mind-Reading

The first mutation branching off the “jumping conclusions” band wagon is “mind-reading”.

So mind-reading– What is it? When does it become unhealthy?

I think it’s really important to get the crisp, curt definition of the phenomenon.

In general, “mind-reading” refers to the super-human ability to discern the thoughts of each other without the normal means of communication, especially by means of a preternatural power.

In psychology, “mind-reading” falls into a subcategory of one of the most common cognitive distortions; its corresponding parent category is “jumping to conclusions.”

Mind-reading is a misnomer given to the cognitive error that occurs when we try to predict what someone else is feeling based on our own assessments of the situation alone.

Just in case you were curious, the conclusions we arrive to through mind-reading are usually WRONG.

When we are engaged in mind-reading, we do not take time to consider others’ unique thoughts and life experiences, and we become increasingly and incorrectly stuck in our limited lens of thinking.

Some examples of “mind reading” look like:

As you can see, those are some lofty assumptions about reality. Another poignant observation is that each thought bubble shares the same faulty pattern of thinking. Each of these situations involves a person incorrectly assuming something to be true for another person. The problem with this type of thinking is that we are usually projecting what we feel onto others. We usually do not take time to check our facts, and consult with the other person/people in situation to see if our “read” on the situation may been skewed.

The truth of the matter is NO psychologically sound person is capable of “mind-reading.” It simply does not exist. In fact, if someone were to tell me that they knew, without a reasonable doubt, that another person was feeling a certain way, I may have to recommend them more intensive psychiatric help.

Believing that we know what others need, want, and think without communication is a delusion. We do not truly know what another wants or needs are unless there is an appropriate exchange of questions and answers.

That is why some of the most helpful skills therapists try to coach their clients are in regards to communication. We must questions for clarifying because, who knew? We are not always right.

By asking others how they feel, or what they want, we allow them to exercise their birthright of autonomy. When we ask questions, we create space for others to clarify their desires, thoughts, and actions.

I find myself commonly engaging in mind-reading around people in my immediate circle. It is only natural to study, observe and gather nonverbal data on those that we spend the most amount of time with.

The problem with this natural predilection is that our mind cannot stop doing it. So much so that, it sometimes does its job too well. It will arduously collect information, day in and day out. Now, the brain is not to blame. It is only doing what it was created to do. The primitive brain is often trying to categorize only in an attempt to simplify complex human realities. As a result, we may jump to conclusions, polarized thinking, overgeneralization and other patterns of erroneous thinking.

An Example of how F*CKED up it can get FAST

We have all experienced being the friend/coworker/partner who finds themselves thinking: “Oh no! ______ hates me. I’m just sure of it!” (of course we are)

This type of charged thought usually infects our brains long and before we know it, the parasite has taken over our secondary thinking. All of a sudden we are dealing with a cascade of negative feedback.

Quickly after suggesting the notion of someone not liking us to the brain, we begin to subconsciously “collect evidence” to support that same incorrect belief.

For example, if that person looks up and frowns, we are more likely to assume that it is because of their loathing towards us rather than a completely unrelated cause.

As more and more time goes on, the narrative in our heads thickens until we start to notice every single sigh, eye roll, and sarcastic remark and internalize it towards us.

We become so zoomed in; in this highly charged state, we become acutely aware of the slightest changes in the other’s body posture. Our panicked brains’ engulf themselves in rapidly computing every nonverbal cue to become negatively-connotated; we are trying collect all the (already-biased) information so that we may somehow arrive at the “logical” conclusion. At least, that is what the brain will have us “believe.” The truth is exactly what I stated above–we cannot ignore our own inherent bias about the situation.

The way our brains are wired is literally to search specifically for proof that validates the ideas we already believe to be true. We think we may be neutral, but at best, through psychoeducation and self-awareness, we can become mindful of the preexistence of these unique, acquired biases and shortcomings we have.

Next week, we will be delving into an equally insidious twin sister of mind-reading, who seemed to have gotten her dysfunctionality gene from their shared father–jumping to conclusions.

But before, let me not abandon you without suggestions for how to survive the tendency to mind-read.

Tip #1- Reflect and Retrain

The most wonderful and liberating thing about realizing that we are, most likely, wrong….is that we also possess the power to re-equilibrate our thinking to align more closely with reality.

I want you to ask yourself the following question

Why do I assume that people will treat or talk about me in a bad way?

Please write down at least 10 reasons why you believe that to be the case. The best way to approach this exercise is to a) don’t judge yourself too much for believing it because we all do. We all seem to think that the world is preoccupied with us, to some extent. I want you to try to “free-associate” when jotting down the answers to the aforementioned question.

What does free-association mean?

That means, it does not matter how ridiculous, narcissistic, self-absorbed, negative or absolutely ludicrous your brain’s responses are to that question. I want you to just jot them down, without thinking (well…while minimally thinking). The point is to gather your automatic thoughts so that we can focalize on the underlying belief that may be driving you to think that you are indeed, the center of the world, and the reincarnation of the antichrist.

Tip #2- Observe Your Reaction During Mind-Reading

Mind-reading causes negative symptoms in your body and accelerates the fear which already exists. The reason we ALL begin to mind-read is because some external trigger has literally inflamed a pre-existing insecurity we had long before someone else ever rolled their eyes around us.

If you get anything out of this post—or anything out of the series of posts about cognitive distortions–please let it be this: WE MIND-READ BECAUSE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES. It happens because someone or something else has triggered something that already PRE-EXISTED (usually long before) the irritant manifested itself.

As a result, our bodies start to give these tell-tale signs that we often ignore because we jump to conclusions and become extremely preoccupied with protecting ourselves. It is so vital to slow ourselves in the moment to observe these bodily sensations and cues because they can be of utmost help in recognizing our tipping off balance.

For example, fear of inadequacy is a phobia that often triggers me to mind-read. Due to my life experiences, and my own interpretations of them at the time, I have a very hard time controlling my reactions and thinking when I even SUSPECT that someone has “figured me out.” The following is an example of how my brain works:

– Insert external trigger: an eye roll or sigh or someone not saying hi to me.

Omg! ______ saw me and ignored me. What did I do? Is it because I didn’t say hi to her? Did I look mean? Did she overhear her me saying something negative about her? Should I apologize? I’m such a failure! I knew it. Everyone in my life was right (overgeneralization). I have been figured it out. God damn it! I try so hard to perfect this “facade” of having it all together and I knew it was just a matter of time. They’ve all figured it out. She’s probably told everyone else that I’m just a big old imposter. A wannabe. A loser. Someone who tries so hard just to “help” others because they just want to feel good about themselves. And you know why? Because I suck. I suck. and I KNOW I SUCK (emotional reasoning) and there is no way for me to hide it. It will always come out in time….etc.

The above was an example of free-association. Do you see how fast my thoughts spiraled?

Now, what is likely is that before I stepped into the quicksand of my dendrites firing away, there were probably tons of sensory cues that warned me that my brain was about to go down this path.

I know I must have felt that “heart drop” feeling. I don’t know how else to describe it, however, I know I ALWAYS tend to feel it when I feel rejected, humiliated, or fearful. It’s that pang in the heart. I might:

  • Start flushing red
  • Feel my body temperature rise
  • Start shaking
  • Show patterns of uneven breathing
  • Tighten up my shoulders due to tension
  • Begin to feel my stomach churn due to feeling uncomfortable.
  • Feel like I need to puke
  • Become clammy
  • Start furrowing my brows in worry
  • Feel “frozen” in time
  • Feel my heart beating faster.

There are so many different ways that our body tries to catch up to our mind. Even though each one of our “tell-tales” may be unique and different, I promise you that they exist. We all must work towards becoming aware of them so that we can not fall down the rabbit hole I just described above.

Tip #3- Ask questions

This is the simplest and most efficient way to nip mind-reading and other cognitive distortions in the bud. It is also one of the most difficult ones, in terms of mustering up enough bravery to ask something we may not want to hear the response to. I have had to train myself, and even come up with “scripts” when I’m not heated, that I can use in the moment to help clarify what I’m thinking. Some include:

  • “Hey, this might just be me, but I feel like there is a shift in energy in the room/between us (etc). Did I do something to offend you or upset you?”
  • “Are you upset with me, or is it just me?”
  • Bonus tip: ADD HUMOR– “You know my tendency to think everything is about me…so I saw you sigh earlier, and automatically jumped to the conclusion that it was indeed because of me. Now, I know I’m probably overthinking this, but I wanted to clarify and give you the opportunity to remind me that I’m just not that important.” this one gets a lot of laughs.
  • “I keep feeling like something is off with us. Am I wrong?”
  • “Hey, are you okay?”

Asking questions allows us to tell on ourselves, and allow others the autonomy to express their own feelings. Furthermore, it opens up the door for us to become of service to those around us if there is something unrelated bothering them. Checking in with others and being transparent about our own tendencies to catastrophize can also help them find us more relatable and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if there is something wrong in the future.

Please re-read this as many times as you need: “we LIKE people for their qualities, but we end up falling in LOVE with them for (admitting) their defects”.

Love you, all ways, always ❤

Till next time,

I ponder about life...

You are ALWAYS wrong

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Overgeneralization.

Pun totally intended

So…

What is it? Why do we do it? How do we change it? Why do we want to change it?

All your answers will be found below.

First, let’s revisit what we were talking about with those zebras earlier. Our first blog in this series of fifteen natural ways we all naturally f*ck ourselves up was about polarized thinking.

Now who remembers what polarized thinking was?

I feel like I’m teaching again.

Crickets.

Yup.

Polarized thinking was a cognitive distortion—an inaccurate or distorted way of thinking that is not helpful to us, our interpersonal relationships and our environment.

Overgeneralization is another one.

A cognitive distortion, that is.

& it is going to be the 2nd one we talk about on my blog!

I have decided to do an educational series on my blog. Every week, I will post in detail about one of the 15 most common cognitive distortions.

Why???

My rationale (& desire) for doing this is so we can all review our own thinking patterns as we move into the new year.

So often our society talks about how feelings are not facts. As someone who pursued her Masters in Psychology, I can assure you that thoughts are not always factual either.

That means it doesn’t matter if you fall into the blessed left-brained, cognitive, and analytical quantitative group or the less preferable, messy, colorful, creative, right-brained, emotionally overladen group. It means that we are all…essentially FUCKED.

It doesn’t matter whether we are heart people or brain people.

It doesn’t matter if we feel more than we analyze

It also doesn’t matter if we analyze more than we feel.

Feelings are not facts.

And neither are thoughts.

Both are subject to system error-aka, the “human” error.

Because of how diversely tough life can be on all of us, we are all prone to developing biases in our ways of thinking. Prejudices–of sorts.

Our brains, which are hard-wired to notice patterns, make associations in an attempt to ultimately, arrive to more calculated decision in a shorter amount of time…can adopt ways of thinking patterns, or cognitive distortions, that are simply not helpful or accurate.

This week’s topic is overgeneralization. So what is it? Why do we do it? How do we know we are doing it? When does it become unhelpful? How do we stop it?

Read on.

What?

Overgeneralization is one of the fifteen cognitive distortions that are emphasized in psychology. It consists of a faulty perception or belief that causes one to judge oneself and others inaccurately. Those prone to probably said things like:

  • “I never do anything right.”
  • “No one will ever understand me.”
  • “Nothing ever goes my way.”
  • “All people, regardless of gender or culture, will always screw you over.”

A lot of people practice overgeneralizing each day and are completely unaware of it. The problem is that it leads to unnecessary anxiety and fear, and prevents us from taking healthy risks or attempting new things. As a result, we end up living below our potential for the majority of our autopilot lives.

Victims of overgeneralization tend to use absolute terms in their vocabulary quite often. Some common ones include

  • always/never
  • forever/never
  • all/none
  • everyone/ no one
  • everything/nothing

When/Where?

We can tend to overgeneralize at anytime , anywhere. It is important to be mindful of what triggers this unhelpful and distorted way of thinking for you. Everyone is triggered differently. Most people tend to use cognitive distortions such as overgeneralization and polarized thinking when they feel fearful. Again, fear can encompass and disguise itself as a lot of secondary emotions. Most people essentially are most vulnerable to overgeneralization when they feel helpless, hopeless, attacked, vulnerable, exposed and cornered.

Who?

Overgeneralization belongs to the family of common cognitive distortions. Just like all other fifteen of its’ sisters, overgeneralization is not much different. All cognitive distortions, or unhelpful patterns of thinking, are usually a result of maladaptation to some degree. They are often seen in individuals dealing with traumatic events, unmanaged stress, and those diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression.

How?

How do we stop it in its tracks when we find ourselves bound in its shackles?

Tip #1- Figure out your triggers.

Identify what triggers you.

A trigger can refer to anything— a person, place, sight, or sensation — that causes us to overgeneralize. The nuisance of triggers is that everyone has different ones. They are specific to each one of us and are heavily influenced by the feelings we have regarding our lives, self-esteem, others and environment. Another irritant is that we tend to engage in distorted ways of thinking, such as overgeneralization, when we are emotionally charged and feel cornered. Therefore, it is definitely difficult to recognize and become almost “meta-aware” of the fact that we may be clouded with our emotions. In highly charged emotional states, we are less likely to recognize the fact that we may be engaging in cognitive distortions. Despite how difficult it may be to catch ourselves engaging in unhelpful ways of thinking during highly emotional times, the rewards of becoming mindful and aware of our own shortcomings are multifold.

Tip #2- Become mindful of your vocabulary

When we find ourselves using overgeneralization as a defense mechanism, we often will use terms that are absolute. Absolute terms are rigid terms that do not allow any room for flexibility. When we catch ourselves using words like “all”, “none”, “no one”, “everyone”, “nothing” and “everything”, our emotions are usually looking for some validation from ourselves.

Tip #3- Practice reframing.

Reframing is a technique in psychology that encourages us to view a situation from a different angle. It’s an effective way to replace a negative thought with a more beneficial one. Reframing our thoughts pretty much consists of replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones instead. For example:

Instead of saying (and believing) things like “I suck at ______” or “I will never be good at _____”, try incorporating the terms “yet” & “and” instead of “but.” Practice saying (and believing) things like

  • I haven’ t been able to do it yet.
  • I haven’t solved that yet
  • I am not where I want to be, and I am not where I was.
  • I am not a saint, and I am not a sinner.
  • I am not perfect, and still worthy of love.

Reframing a situation can also mean taking more facts into account. It can look like choosing not to jump to conclusions. For example, instead of deducing that we can never do a specific task such as speak well in public, we can redirect our focus/thinking to more helpful questions

  • What was the reason for my “failing”? (Pressure, lack of preparation, etc.)
  • How can I improve?
  • What is the smallest thing I can do today to move in the direction towards improving?
  • What are the short-term steps I have to take to improve?
  • What are the long-term benefits to me taking time to change this about myself now so I don’t have to suffer later?

Through reframing, we often realize that most of your beliefs aren’t based in reality, which then opens up opportunities for positive change.

Tip #4- Keep practicing “positive” thinking.

Yes, I said what I said.

It is a practice.

It is a chore.

Congratulations Grumpy Cat.

So is everyone else’s if they don’t work on it actively.

It requires hard-work, and constant effort.

It is no means easy at first.

It takes time.

You will mess up.

Because so have I.

Some tips for encouraging our minds to more positive, helpful ways of thinking include

  • using positive affirmations
  • listening to uplifting messages (songs, sermons, lectures, books)
  • reading uplifting literature
  • watching funny videos
  • exercising
  • self-soothing
  • seeking therapy
  • learning adaptive coping strategies
  • keeping a gratitude list
  • surrounding ourselves with positive, optimistic individuals
  • getting out in the sun
  • taking a bath (for me)/something relaxing and nice for yourself that requires you to treat yourself.
  • calling a friend and to catch up
  • asking/noticing what we can do for those around us
  • volunteering
    • growing spiritually
    • reflecting on self in a nonjudgemental way
    • mindfulness & meditation (especially metta meditation)
    • doing something for someone else

Till next time!

Love you, all ways, always