On repair, motherhood, and the words we did not erase.
My daughter wrote “I don’t like Mama” on our weekly planner.
Then, a little later, I wrote:
“And I love you.”
By the end of the day, underneath my repair words, she had added the smallest possible offering:
ok.
Not a grand apology.
Not a cinematic hug with swelling music and one tasteful tear.
Not one of those soft-focus parenting moments where everyone wears linen and speaks in nervous-system-approved whispers.
Just dry-erase marker.
A hard day.
A rupture that did not become the ending.
And two tiny letters that felt like hope.
Because here is what I am learning: repair does not always look beautiful while it is happening.
Sometimes repair looks like a child writing the thing she feels before she knows how to say it gently.
Sometimes repair looks like a mother feeling the sting of those words and choosing not to make the child responsible for that sting.
Sometimes repair looks like writing back:
“You are so cute.”
“I’m sorry today felt so big.”
“And I still love you”
And sometimes, after all of that, repair looks like a tiny ok written underneath your words.
The tiny oks are hope because they prove something quietly revolutionary:
Rupture happened, and love still had somewhere to land.
For a long time, I thought good mothering meant preventing rupture.
If my child was upset with me, I had failed.
If I reacted, I was becoming everything I feared.
If repair was not immediate, eloquent, complete, and preferably witnessed by a small panel of experts confirming I had not ruined my child forever, it probably did not count.
But motherhood is teaching me something much less glamorous and much more holy:
Repair is not the absence of rupture.
Repair is what happens when rupture is allowed to be real, but not allowed to write the whole story.
Repair, I am learning, is not asking my child to reassure me.
It is showing her that I can stay present without making her feelings dangerous.
If my first post was about “The Girl With the List”, this one might be about what happens when List Girl has to mother.
“The Girl With the List” likes preparation. She likes structure. She likes the fantasy that if she can plan enough, anticipate enough, understand enough, and make the correct emotional spreadsheet, then no one will get hurt.
She is not bad.
She is trying to love through planning.
But motherhood does not always honor the list.
Children have feelings on their own timeline.
Repair does not arrive color-coded.
And some of the most important moments in a relationship cannot be controlled into safety.
They can only be met.
The list can stay.
But it cannot mother for me.
My daughter does not live with me year-round. She comes to visit in the summers, and that time is deeply precious to me. It is also a transition.
Each summer is a kind of re-entry: a new rhythm, a beloved disruption of routine, a closeness I ache for and still have to adjust to.
For someone with a very active inner world — a whole inner cast ready to offer commentary at any given moment — it can take my nervous system a beat to catch up.
Not because she is too much.
Because she matters so much.
Love raises the stakes.
And sometimes my nervous system is still catching up to what my heart already knows.
We did not erase her words.
We did not write over them.
We did not pretend “I don’t like Mama” had not been written.
We also did not let those words become the final sentence.
We let them exist.
We let them breathe.
And then, underneath them, around them, beside them, we made room for something else too:
Love.
Apology.
Connection.
A tiny ok.
I think that is what feels so different to me.
So much pain gets passed down through erasure:
That did not happen.
You are too sensitive.
You are fine.
And so much pain also gets passed down through writing over someone else’s experience:
Here is what you should feel.
Here is why your hurt is inconvenient.
Here is why my shame matters more than your truth.
But this time, we did something else.
We left the words on the board.
We let the feeling have a place.
And then we practiced coming back.
This is also complicated for me because I have spent years working with children. I have been a teacher, a nanny and a counselor. With other children, I can often access patience and curiosity more easily. I can observe. I can regulate. I can remember that behavior is communication.
But with my own daughter, more of “me” enters the room.
Not less skill.
More history.
More longing.
More fear.
More grief.
More hope.
More old wounds whispering, “Don’t mess this up,” while holding a clipboard and several pieces of unsolicited evidence.
Mothering is not harder because I know less.
Mothering is harder because more of me shows up.
And that is the part I am learning how to meet: the part of me that panics when my daughter is upset, thinks one hard moment means I have ruined everything, and forgets children do not need perfect parents.
They need parents who can come back.
So this week, I am trying to let the tiny oks count — to let repair be evidence that a hard moment is not the whole story.
Because there is proof all around me, if I look toward the light, that love finds us even after mistakes.
A child can write “I don’t like Mama” and still love her.
A mother can feel hurt and still stay soft enough to repair.
A rupture can happen, and the relationship can survive it.
A tiny ok can become a doorway.
Maybe healing does not always arrive loudly.
Maybe it does not look like a breakthrough.
Maybe sometimes healing is just two small letters written underneath an apology.
Maybe sometimes it is both of us saying, in the smallest handwriting possible:
This is not how our story will end.
<3, List Girl: Mothering Edition
abidmaham 