A twin sister of mind-reading, who happens to be just as convincing in the least helpful ways is….
drum-roll!!!!!!
Albert Einstein, one of my favorite scientists said: “we cannot solve problems from the same thinking patterns we used in creating them.” This means, we cannot use the same patterns of thinking that manifested the problem to try and construct solutions that will actually work.
That is why it is so essential to become aware of these common cognitive distortions. Once we can develop a meta-cognition, of sorts, to observe the faulty patterns of cognition our minds may have developed over time, we can begin to solve deep-seated issues within our psyche.
Fortune telling, much like mind-reading, is a branch in the family of cognitive distortions associated with jumping to conclusions. Fortune telling is a cognitive distortion that predisposes us to favor and predict a negative outcome without realistically considering the actual odds of that outcome.
This type of predilection towards worst-case scenarios is usually linked to anxiety and depression. Most often, those of us struggling through an active anxious or depressive episode display skewed thinking about the world and ourselves.
In fact, when I was practicing counseling in New Orleans, fortune telling was actually one of the most common cognitive distortions that came up for my clients. They seemed to have this eerie unbased “knowledge” that things would just end in a very catastrophic way without any real logical evidence to believe so.
The process of taking some of these rehearsed faulty patterns of thinking and retraining the brain to replace them with helpful, more realistic and healthy patterns is called cognitive restructuring.
In psychology, especially among therapists that employ the CBT modality, cognitive restructuring is a technique used heavily to help individuals become aware of the age-old narratives they come in telling themselves. After appropriate reflection, clients are then challenged to analyze whether or not they would like to change their self-talk and automatic narratives. If clients decide that the benefits of change outweigh the price of staying the same, the therapist works directly with the client and helps reframe unhealthy automatic core beliefs to more helpful, healthy and productive ones. That is the goal of cognitive restructuring.
Our deepest beliefs, or cognitive schemas, are essentially the byproduct of a well-rehearsed story that we have knitted together through our own lifespan. Some of the meanings that we assign to our experiences are conscious, however, the process of forming our patterns of thinking are largely done by subconscious sources.
We see our beliefs reflected in our thoughts, feelings and actions. Our behaviors are the closest indicators of our true internal thermostat and core beliefs. The simplified medical way of looking at cognitive distortions is that once patterns are repeated, the brain simply learns an efficient, easier pathway of firing to arrive at a faster “action state”.
Here comes out the nerdy part of me! Something you may or may not know about me is that I pursued a double bachelors in Biological Sciences and Organic Chemistry in college. I graduated valedictorian of the college of sciences from College of Charleston with a summa cum laude. Studying the human body so closely sparked an interest within me to try to understand the mechanisms of the neuroplastic mind. That is precisely why I pursued my masters degree in Psychology and Counseling with a specialization in clinical mental health.
Anyway….
I want to quickly, and simply (hopefully) explain how our brains learn. The reason for this is because once we all are familiarized with the basics behind memory recollection, and how our brain creates meaning, we can begin to work WITH its natural wiring to develop more helpful patterns of thinking.
I view human beings as holistic creatures, and in no way would I ever advocate working against certain parts of ourselves. We are a unique collection of experiences, thoughts, behaviors, actions, cultures, and feelings. The more we understand each one of those compartments, the faster we can work with all facets of ourselves to improve overall life quality.
At every moment, our brain orchestrates a complex symphony of perfectly coordinated, and intentional signals across billions of neurons. These neurons, then, transmit the signals through trillions of synapses, lighting up pathways of the brain that are associated with a similar event (firing of dendrites). Becoming familiar with this complex neural circuitry enables us to start to understand the processes that work together to enable all aspects of brain function.
When we are learning something, neurons in different parts of the brain communicate with each other. If two neurons interact frequently enough, they form a connection that allows them to transmit messages more easily, efficiently and “accurately” (or so it thinks).
The more often certain neurons communicate with one another, the more fortified their connection gets. As a result, it becomes easier & easier for our automatic thoughts to follow in line with that same familiar thinking pattern. Use it and improve it!
Similarly, the principle “use it or lose it” also holds true. Because there is such an infinitely overwhelming number of different pathways our brain cells can fire, most human beings tend to undergo a process of synaptic pruning. Essentially, “synaptic pruning” is just a fancy scientific way of saying “use it or lose it”
As we grow older, neural circuits that are not being actively engaged in performing tasks begin to degrade. Quite literally, this means if we do not use an area of our brain for a prolonged time, we will lose the function that was previously stored there.
The hope of so many psychological modalities lies in the neuroplasticity of the brain. Our saving grace lies in the fact that we can, with time and consistency, retrain our brains to think (and eventually, believe) differently. We have the power to wholly replace negative thought patterns with positive ones–literally, changing the very wiring of our brains.
That is some pretty powerful stuff.
If we have learned it, we can unlearn it.
Furthermore, we can also learn something else–something entirely new—something more conducive to our well being.
This is where cognitive restructuring can literally change our lives (if we let it).
Much like everything else, it takes a lot of practice and it takes times. Therefore, it is important to be gentle with ourselves throughout the process of rewiring our thinking. We didn’t just “think” ourselves into who we are overnight. By that same token, we cannot “outthink” ourselves into somebody new overnight either.
Tip #1- Challenge your thoughts by asking very basic, simple questions.
Tip #2- Use the ABC model to help slow down and track thoughts so that we can begin to change them.
What is an “ABC” Model?
The goal of conducting the ABC analysis is to truly get to our core beliefs that trigger our thoughts and feelings. Once we target what our core beliefs are, we can analyze them and figure out if they are based in reality and if they are helpful to us or not.
ABC models are most helpful when done on paper. There is something about writing things down that allows our brain to slow down processing and truly pause.
Examples of ABC models that have been done
Example 1: End of Relationship
Example 2: Social Anxiety
Example 3: Performance Anxiety
Tip #3- Use a “Behavior Chain Analysis” to monitor new and old behavior
The basic set-up for a chain analysis is as follows:
I encouraged all my clients to do at least two behavioral chain analyses. The first one should depict what would (continue to) happen in each of the categories if the core belief was left unchanged. The second one should ideally depict what would change in the respective categories if the core belief were to be challenged.
Example of Behavioral Chain Analysis utilized in CBT
Tip #4- (If you really want to do some serious cognitive “soul searching)…try some DBT or CBT worksheets that help prompt you to examine your core beliefs.
For our purposes, I am going to upload a copy of worksheet that I have used and given others to use when I find myself jumping to conclusions, engaging in mind-reading or becoming my own self-anointed fortune teller.
This week, we will be returning to one of our mind’s most revered, well-rehearsed, and absolutely maladaptive ways of thinking, or what were they called again???
COGNTIVE DISTORTIONS!
Distortion, who?
WARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful ways of thinking that are adopted throughout the lifespan of a human. They are usually adopted as defense mechanisms in immediate acute stages. However, if they continue to linger on and become a part of our daily routines, they become highly problematic. All cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are usually cultivated during a crisis–a short-term response to an emotionally overcharged situation. They are not inherently “good” or “bad.” They are just mere momentary defense mechanisms to help us get through immediate tension. When they become more overarching in our lives, they begin to infiltrate our day-to-day life and cripple our interpersonal connections and self-evaluation.
This week, WE will discuss one of the triplets of a a family of cognitive distortions.
The FATHER of this family is jumping to conclusions.
In psychology, this distortion branches out into three categories: 1. Mind-reading 2. Fortune-telling 3. Labeling.
So…what does each one pertain? Why do we engage in these negative ways of thinking? Most importantly,how do we catch ourselves in the midst of it so we can begin to stop it?
Here is your one-step stop for nipping these types of unhelpful patterns of thinking in the bud.
Mind-Reading
The first mutation branching off the “jumping conclusions” band wagon is “mind-reading”.
So mind-reading– What is it? When does it become unhealthy?
I think it’s really important to get the crisp, curt definition of the phenomenon.
In general, “mind-reading” refers to the super-human ability to discern the thoughts of each other without the normal means of communication, especially by means of a preternatural power.
In psychology, “mind-reading” falls into a subcategory of one of the most common cognitive distortions; its corresponding parent category is “jumping to conclusions.”
Mind-reading is a misnomer given to the cognitive error that occurs when we try to predict what someone else is feeling based on our own assessments of the situation alone.
Just in case you were curious, the conclusions we arrive to through mind-reading are usually WRONG.
When we are engaged in mind-reading, we do not take time to consider others’ unique thoughts and life experiences, and we become increasingly and incorrectly stuck in our limited lens of thinking.
Some examples of “mind reading” look like:
As you can see, those are some lofty assumptions about reality. Another poignant observation is that each thought bubble shares the same faulty pattern of thinking. Each of these situations involves a person incorrectly assuming something to be true for another person. The problem with this type of thinking is that we are usually projecting what we feel onto others. We usually do not take time to check our facts, and consult with the other person/people in situation to see if our “read” on the situation may been skewed.
The truth of the matter is NO psychologically sound person is capable of “mind-reading.” It simply does not exist. In fact, if someone were to tell me that they knew, without a reasonable doubt, that another person was feeling a certain way, I may have to recommend them more intensive psychiatric help.
Believing that we know what others need, want, and think without communication is a delusion. We do not truly know what another wants or needs are unless there is an appropriate exchange of questions and answers.
That is why some of the most helpful skills therapists try to coach their clients are in regards to communication. We must questions for clarifying because, who knew? We are not always right.
By asking others how they feel, or what they want, we allow them to exercise their birthright of autonomy. When we ask questions, we create space for others to clarify their desires, thoughts, and actions.
I find myself commonly engaging in mind-reading around people in my immediate circle. It is only natural to study, observe and gather nonverbal data on those that we spend the most amount of time with.
The problem with this natural predilection is that our mind cannot stop doing it. So much so that, it sometimes does its job too well. It will arduously collect information, day in and day out. Now, the brain is not to blame. It is only doing what it was created to do. The primitive brain is often trying to categorize only in an attempt to simplify complex human realities. As a result, we may jump to conclusions, polarized thinking, overgeneralization and other patterns of erroneous thinking.
An Example of how F*CKED up it can get FAST
We have all experienced being the friend/coworker/partner who finds themselves thinking: “Oh no! ______ hates me. I’m just sure of it!” (of course we are)
This type of charged thought usually infects our brains long and before we know it, the parasite has taken over our secondary thinking. All of a sudden we are dealing with a cascade of negative feedback.
Quickly after suggesting the notion of someone not liking us to the brain, we begin to subconsciously “collect evidence” to support that same incorrect belief.
For example, if that person looks up and frowns, we are more likely to assume that it is because of their loathing towards us rather than a completely unrelated cause.
As more and more time goes on, the narrative in our heads thickens until we start to notice every single sigh, eye roll, and sarcastic remark and internalize it towards us.
We become so zoomed in; in this highly charged state, we become acutely aware of the slightest changes in the other’s body posture. Our panicked brains’ engulf themselves in rapidly computing every nonverbal cue to become negatively-connotated; we are trying collect all the (already-biased) information so that we may somehow arrive at the “logical” conclusion. At least, that is what the brain will have us “believe.” The truth is exactly what I stated above–we cannot ignore our own inherent bias about the situation.
The way our brains are wired is literally to search specifically for proof that validates the ideas we already believe to be true. We think we may be neutral, but at best, through psychoeducation and self-awareness, we can become mindful of the preexistence of these unique, acquired biases and shortcomings we have.
Next week, we will be delving into an equally insidious twin sister of mind-reading, who seemed to have gotten her dysfunctionality gene from their shared father–jumping to conclusions.
But before, let me not abandon you without suggestions for how to survive the tendency to mind-read.
Tip #1- Reflect and Retrain
The most wonderful and liberating thing about realizing that we are, most likely, wrong….is that we also possess the power to re-equilibrate our thinking to align more closely with reality.
I want you to ask yourself the following question
Why do I assume that people will treat or talk about me in a bad way?
Please write down at least 10 reasons why you believe that to be the case. The best way to approach this exercise is to a) don’t judge yourself too much for believing it because we all do. We all seem to think that the world is preoccupied with us, to some extent. I want you to try to “free-associate” when jotting down the answers to the aforementioned question.
What does free-association mean?
That means, it does not matter how ridiculous, narcissistic, self-absorbed, negative or absolutely ludicrous your brain’s responses are to that question. I want you to just jot them down, without thinking (well…while minimally thinking). The point is to gather your automatic thoughts so that we can focalize on the underlying belief that may be driving you to think that you are indeed, the center of the world, and the reincarnation of the antichrist.
Tip #2- Observe Your Reaction During Mind-Reading
Mind-reading causes negative symptoms in your body and accelerates the fear which already exists. The reason we ALL begin to mind-read is because some external trigger has literally inflamed a pre-existing insecurity we had long before someone else ever rolled their eyes around us.
If you get anything out of this post—or anything out of the series of posts about cognitive distortions–please let it be this: WE MIND-READ BECAUSE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES. It happens because someone or something else has triggered something that already PRE-EXISTED (usually long before) the irritant manifested itself.
As a result, our bodies start to give these tell-tale signs that we often ignore because we jump to conclusions and become extremely preoccupied with protecting ourselves. It is so vital to slow ourselves in the moment to observe these bodily sensations and cues because they can be of utmost help in recognizing our tipping off balance.
For example, fear of inadequacy is a phobia that often triggers me to mind-read. Due to my life experiences, and my own interpretations of them at the time, I have a very hard time controlling my reactions and thinking when I even SUSPECT that someone has “figured me out.” The following is an example of how my brain works:
– Insert external trigger: an eye roll or sigh or someone not saying hi to me.
Omg! ______ saw me and ignored me. What did I do? Is it because I didn’t say hi to her? Did I look mean? Did she overhear her me saying something negative about her? Should I apologize? I’m such a failure! I knew it. Everyone in my life was right (overgeneralization). I have been figured it out. God damn it! I try so hard to perfect this “facade” of having it all together and I knew it was just a matter of time. They’ve all figured it out. She’s probably told everyone else that I’m just a big old imposter. A wannabe. A loser. Someone who tries so hard just to “help” others because they just want to feel good about themselves. And you know why? Because I suck. I suck. and I KNOW I SUCK (emotional reasoning) and there is no way for me to hide it. It will always come out in time….etc.
The above was an example of free-association. Do you see how fast my thoughts spiraled?
Now, what is likely is that before I stepped into the quicksand of my dendrites firing away, there were probably tons of sensory cues that warned me that my brain was about to go down this path.
I know I must have felt that “heart drop” feeling. I don’t know how else to describe it, however, I know I ALWAYS tend to feel it when I feel rejected, humiliated, or fearful. It’s that pang in the heart. I might:
Start flushing red
Feel my body temperature rise
Start shaking
Show patterns of uneven breathing
Tighten up my shoulders due to tension
Begin to feel my stomach churn due to feeling uncomfortable.
Feel like I need to puke
Become clammy
Start furrowing my brows in worry
Feel “frozen” in time
Feel my heart beating faster.
There are so many different ways that our body tries to catch up to our mind. Even though each one of our “tell-tales” may be unique and different, I promise you that they exist. We all must work towards becoming aware of them so that we can not fall down the rabbit hole I just described above.
Tip #3- Ask questions
This is the simplest and most efficient way to nip mind-reading and other cognitive distortions in the bud. It is also one of the most difficult ones, in terms of mustering up enough bravery to ask something we may not want to hear the response to. I have had to train myself, and even come up with “scripts” when I’m not heated, that I can use in the moment to help clarify what I’m thinking. Some include:
“Hey, this might just be me, but I feel like there is a shift in energy in the room/between us (etc). Did I do something to offend you or upset you?”
“Are you upset with me, or is it just me?”
Bonus tip: ADD HUMOR– “You know my tendency to think everything is about me…so I saw you sigh earlier, and automatically jumped to the conclusion that it was indeed because of me. Now, I know I’m probably overthinking this, but I wanted to clarify and give you the opportunity to remind me that I’m just not that important.” this one gets a lot of laughs.
“I keep feeling like something is off with us. Am I wrong?”
“Hey, are you okay?”
Asking questions allows us to tell on ourselves, and allow others the autonomy to express their own feelings. Furthermore, it opens up the door for us to become of service to those around us if there is something unrelated bothering them. Checking in with others and being transparent about our own tendencies to catastrophize can also help them find us more relatable and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if there is something wrong in the future.
Please re-read this as many times as you need: “we LIKE people for their qualities, but we end up falling in LOVE with them for (admitting) their defects”.
…I start to feel more and more out of control and ironically, it makes me want to grasp onto any last straw of “control” I can imagine.
Human beings are quite the ironic creature. The more out of control and panicked we feel, the more we tighten our grasps around the very things that make us feel out of control. This just creates a negative feedback loop of B.S, that forces us to white knuckle our way through life instead of enjoying its dynamic ups and downs.
Eckhart Tolle, one of my favorite authors, stated:
I just lost my anger on someone that has been a trigger to me. After the heightened verbal exchanges comes the tsunami of regret, remorse, and guilt. We have all been guilty of saying hurtful things at the peak of our anger. The thing I learned about anger in pursuing my masters in counseling psychology is that it is merely a secondary emotion.
What does that even mean?
Anger is a secondary emotion , as it lends itself as a defensive approach to feeling some of the more vulnerable, scary primary emotions shown in the graphic above. Today, for me, the primary emotions were hurt, grief and helplessness. Let’s add a teaspoon of humiliation too.
I want to talk about anger and acceptance today. They seem like they are so contradictory, however, if we can begin to think of our lives in a dialectical manner, we can begin to hold space for two seemingly opposing schemas within ourselves. It is possible for two things to be true.
The reason it is so difficult for us average human beings to hold two seemingly paradoxical realities as true at the same time is because it creates tension in our psyche. In psychology, we refer to this tension as cognitive dissonance. This concept essentially outlines the natural stress and disharmony that result from trying to reconcile feelings or thoughts that simply do not align with one another.
Mankind has survived thus far due to his/her ability to view the world and start to view it in categories. Imagine being a child. There are so many overwhelming stimuli. In an attempt to understand the world around us, we begin to form associations, correlations through becoming aware of patterns.
This natural predilection only becomes problematic when we become too rigid in keeping all of our experiences boxed into neatly wrapped, homogenous compartments.
It does not feel comfortable to break out of those cute little patterns that have helped us make life more predictable.
This is “good” and that is “bad”. This is “right” and that is “wrong”. This is “satisfactory” and that is “unacceptable.” This type of rigidity leads to cognitive distortions.
Cognitive distortions involve negative thinking patterns that aren’t based on fact or reality. They often rely on faulty assumptions & unrelated associations that we have inaccurately made throughout our life.
The type of cognitive distortion I want to talk about today is called: Polarization.
Polarized thinking is an extreme simplification of reality. Things are either black or white, good or bad. We don’t see the nuances that exist between one extreme and another. People with this type of distortion feel comfortable placing reality between two extremes.
Why do we do it?
Viewing situations in extremes is something many of us do naturally. All human behavior is motivated by a self-serving need. Thinking in extremes allows us to narrow down experiences into simple categories. Essentially, it is an oversimplification technique that gives us the false feeling of “being in control.” For example, if we can define it in two absolute categories, life becomes a lot more predictable. Polarized thinking can help us simplify and process information as we receive it, allowing for easier understanding and faster decision making.
How do we avoid it?
In case you didn’t see this coming–surprise! Life is not black and white. Life is meant to be lived in all of its confusing colors. I know I sound like Pocahontas in my debut of “Colors of the Wind”, however, I do begrudgingly concur. There are just too many extraneous variables that affect everything we do, say, feel and think; we cannot oversimplify and attribute one thing with another without considering all factors. Read on for some helpful pointers when you find yourself stuck in black and white thinking.
Tip #1- Learn to view EVERYTHING on a spectrum
To those of you still traumatized by statistics, I’m sorry for the following diagram.
Every thing, person and situation falls within a spectrum. The above curve is called a “normal distribution” in statistics. Many of our pathopsychological issues arise when we move out of the green and orange zones into the red zone.
When we begin to view the world around us in absolutes, it leaves no room for change. As many spiritual practices and biological disciplines demonstrate–change is the only constant in life. What this essentially means is that the THE ONLY THING WE CAN COUNT ON FOR SURE IS THAT EVERY SINGLE THING IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE.
Stagnation is death; human beings, much like every other species in the cladogram of life learn, grow and adapt. Therefore, it is very simple-minded to speak of ourselves or others in absolutes. We all possess a range of complex emotional expression. Furthermore, this range is not fixed. It can be expanded through active pursuit of self-improvement.
Tip #2- Become aware of your vocabulary
Avoid using absolute terms such as “always” and “never”. Become aware of when you use them, and challenge your logic. Do you, without a reasonable doubt, have every single reason to believe that you are a failure? Probably not. Do you, without a reasonable doubt, have every single reason to believe that you are perfect and infallible? Probably not.
People often use the words “always” or “never” to emphasize what the statement they’re making. In reality, however, there are very few aspects of life where “always” or “never” are actually relevant and applicable.
Tip #3- Incorporate “and”, “yes”, & “yet” into your everyday vocabulary
Broadening binary thinking can improve cognitive flexibility. If you’re interested in learning how to stop polarized thinking, try to engage an extreme thought by exploring it with “yes, and.”
“Yes, I faced difficult things, and I also experienced good moments this week.”
“Yes, I’m a good person, and sometimes I make mistakes.”
“Yes, I’m not where I want to be and I’m also not where I was.”
“Yes, I am doing the best I can and I can continue to improve.”
“Yes, I struggle with _____ and I haven’t quite found a manageable solution yet.”
Tip #4- View yourself & others as holistic, inclusive beings.
Just like eating one salad didn’t make you immediately drop 3 jean sizes, missing one workout will not make you gain 4 back.
It’s an analogy. The point is that we did not become the way we are overnight. We have all lived unique lives with personalized experiences that have shaped our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We are a collection–an amalgamation of ALL of our experiences, interactions and reflections.
When we begin to view ourselves through a more encompassing, broadened lens, we start fostering self-compassion, and acceptance. Adopting this type of view helps circumvent the pattern of thinking errors.
Tip #4- Triple Column Analysis
Begin to challenge your thoughts through a simple triple column analysis. Stanford University found statistically significant results in resilience and mood when comparing those who used this method and those who didn’t. Use the following example as a template for any emotionally overladen automatic belief/thought that arises for you ❤
abidmaham 