Tag Archives: inspiration

Timeless Turtles

A poem about finding friendship, oneself, and God.

Over the years, I became accustomed to a lonely life inside my shell–
It had become my second-nature to retreat when all just felt unwell.
I felt dejected because like other creatures, I couldn’t run, climb or fly.
So much so, in challenging times, I didn’t even give it an honest try.  
Instead, I crawled back into the confines of my boxed, bosomed shell–
choosing to survive day by day, with not a single adventurous tale to tell.


One day in jaded June, I basked under the searing sun.
I drifted off for a moment, only to awake next to someone!
I peered timidly at the stranger, resting quietly beside me–
Her pleasant patterned carapace was quite the sight to see!
I wondered if she knew just how perfect and polished she seemed,
The sun’s radiant rays made her soft leathery skin glitter and gleam.


Her whimsical webbed-feet were unlike anything else I’d seen before.
I pondered silently to myself about what she might use them for.
Without a warning, she opened up her glassy, jewel-toned eyes.
She dove fearlessly into the opaque pond, much to my surprise!
My heart fluttered restlessly, as I feared for her safety below.
How could she simply jump in, without letting anyone else know?
What if she drowns dismally or gets stuck in murky mudflow?


I shook inside my shell, anxiously waiting for her emerald head to emerge
The water’s surface stayed silently still while my panic began to surge.
“Please, God,” I prayed passionately, “please let her be alright.”
“I’ve waited so long for any sign of Your eternal loving Light.”
The sun’s final rays danced daintily across the lulling lake,
in the midst of their beams–I finally saw a reflection I couldn’t mistake!


Her intricate shell appeared iridescent just below the serene surface;
She gracefully glided to the top, and took a deep breath in with purpose.
Following her lead, I remembered to finally let out my stifled exhale.
Sighing with relief, I watched in awe, as she fearlessly sailed.


She played peacefully in the welcoming water, confident and headstrong.
Oh, how desperately I, too, wished to find somewhere to belong.
It became clear to me that the wonderous water was unmistakably her home.  
I realized that the very shell offering me shelter had also left me feeling secluded & alone.

Feeling ashamed, yet again, I retracted back into my comfortable cage.
This time, however, its darkness left me brimming with rage.
My mind became a roaring arena full of angry, self-loathing talk.
Mindfulness slipped away, and her presence was something I forgot.

Suddenly, I felt a powerful push–followed by a startling splash!
I found myself in whirling waters, and began to helplessly thrash.
I saw her silhouette near the shore, crawling carefree as could be,
“Swim!”, she urged spiritedly, “You are a lot like me!”

ME?!” I thought, restlessly, “she must not be able to see.”
“Just focus on your breath”, she said “and you, too, will feel free”
“You’re wrong!”, I gasped between plunges, “I can’t do this at all!”
She reminded me so sweetly, “but, you’ve already survived the fall.”

I watched the wholesome water warmly wrap itself around me, like it was awaiting my return.
It enveloped me into its eager embrace; reminding me I was no unfamiliar extern.
The familiar fear I lived with everyday with felt frivolous once I could see–
–the dreary decades drifting away simply reflected my faithlessness in its steadfast security.

The comforting current cradled me, for the water had constantly carried me along.
Surrendering to its steady support helped me to feel that I was inherently strong.
I cried; I laughed—because I hadn’t felt much of anything in so long.
But most of all, in that moment, I finally felt what its like to truly belong.


The majestic creature dove back into the water, and helped me swim back to shore.
“Look!”, she declared, as we crawled out, pointing towards the lake’s alluring floor.
I turned around trying to find what it was she wanted me to look for.
Once I finally caught a glimpse of it, it was a sight too spellbinding to ignore.

I peered timidly into the water, marveling at a reflection I did not recognize.
I stared at its perfectly patterned-shell, and soft skin with awe and surprise.
“Wow”, I whispered, “It’s breathtaking–especially in the water’s blue hue.”
“Of course she is,” smiled the truthful turtle, “because that, my friend, is you.”

.

Love you always, all ways.



I Was Wrong

For the last few months, I have taken a deep plunge into healing. After years of therapy from all different modalities, I found very little difference. My life would be fine and “functional” for a few years, only to be followed by an inevitable crash. I’ve been through this cycle for most of teens and all of 20s. Each time, I picked myself back up only to white-knuckle my way through “functionality”–until, the inevitable crash.

For so long, these “crashes”—long periods of depression, psychosomatic symptoms, and lapses of complete dysfunction–seemed unrelated. I would excel in work, friendship, and relationships only to lose all of them. Time and time again, I felt dejected, humiliated and utterly worthless.

Why do I keep messing it up? What is wrong with me!?

In the aftermath, I sought out help–only to help me get back on my feet again and once I felt “ready” enough, I plunged in headfirst into work, relationships and life with even more resolve and stubbornness.

I can’t let him win. I can’t let trauma win. I HAVE to do it right, this time!

Yet, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it in a sustainable manner.

For decades, I deluded myself into thinking that I could “white-knuckle” it through life. I danced between diagnoses, swapped out medications, changed therapists, implemented new strategies from the self-help book of the season; yet, every single intervention yielded minimal results.

This year, I was forced to face the lingering effects of unaddressed trauma; my body gave me no choice. The unprecedented seizures, fainting episodes, and gaping lapses of memory loss jilted me to my very core. I was desperate, in more ways than one. Some days, I was more scared of the seizures and syncope episodes; other days, I found myself begging God that they take my life.

I found myself in an impossible situation where I was equally scared of death and of life

It was this very predicament that finally brought me to the doorstep of surrender. I didn’t know what more to do; every willful intervention of mine had not worked. I didn’t want to die and I certainly was not living. I thought if I was just strong enough, stubborn enough, knowledgeable enough…I would be able to “beat it”. In my case, knowledge was not power. I went to school to get a masters degree in psychology; I studied the ins and outs of different modalities & dissected the interventions of esteemed theorists. As a counselor, I became adept in helping others navigate through their own hardship and grief–but I could do nothing for myself.

Knowledge, in my case, was my Achilles. It brought me hubris, and an unhelpful sense of intellectual arrogance. My training in counseling and psychology bred an avid resistance to be treated. I thought I knew better, so I refused the treatment prescribed for me by other mental health professionals.

But, knowing better doesn’t always lead to doing better.

There is a reason that mental health professionals and doctors cannot treat themselves or their loved ones. Sometimes, we are just too close to the subject. In my case, I was the subject and could do very little to help. There is a reason “blind spots” are called just that. We cannot pinpoint them using our own biased way of thinking.

The problem cannot be solved using the same mind creating it.

In June of this year, I finally got to a point where I could no longer tolerate the suffering. Now, I have come to realize that the suffering was being perpetuated by my relentless need to be in control.

We must let go of the need to control to gain it.

Five months ago, I begrudgingly started the process of EMDR. Despite years of others suggesting it for me, I resisted it at all costs–all because, I simply did not know how it would work. I had no faith in the process. How could moving my eyes a certain way help unpack layers of complex trauma? It honestly sounded laughable.

Yet, here we are.

I am no where close to being “healed”, but the beautiful paradox is that I’ve let go of the idea of being “healed.” It is no longer some faraway, unachievable destination that torments me; it is here, and now. Throughout the EMDR process, my healing has been anything but linear; it has ebbed and flowed with life itself, and there is infinite beauty in that. I no longer find myself fantasizing of a perfectly “healed Maham”; I no longer torture myself by comparing my “now” to that preconceived ideal.

My suffocating grip on the rigid definition of “healing” has loosened.

Day by day, I’m learning to experience myself as I am. And, dare I say, life would not be intolerable if I remain who I am today, for all of my days. The rigid parameters I placed around creating “a good life” are slowly dissolving. These days, progress seems far more promising than perfection; I find myself welcoming minor setbacks as necessary precursors to growth and “healing”.

I am starting to assess “healing” by my ability to tolerate feeling.

Bit by bit, I am starting to work through unspeakable pain. In doing so, I’m finding acquaintances in connection, love, and even ephemeral joy.

Nowadays, I find that even gratitude chooses to sit by me sometimes.

Thank God, I don’t have all the answers. Thank God, I don’t understand everything. Thank God for the realization that I never had to.

Thank God, I finally had the courage to be wrong.

— because of it, I’m finally being led to what feels right.

Another Notch on the Belt

By: Maham Abid

The creaky office felt sterile and cold.

My brimming anxiety grew into something bold.

One more visit down—another notch on the belt,

What’s wrong isn’t always clear to see, but it is deeply felt.

It keeps being suggested that it is “all in my head.”

But if that’s really so, why is my body responding with distress?

I admit I can be neurotic and full of unnecessary fear,

But I’ve lived most of my life with anxiety looming near.

That’s precisely how I identified these new symptoms as severe.

I am no stranger to silently analyzing the absurdity of my worry.

So, how ironic is it that when I finally speak up, I’m dismissed in such a hurry?

Why won’t someone validate the sensations that I feel?

I have no ulterior motive; I just want to heal.

So today, as I sit stiffly in yet another sterile waiting room,

My mind can’t help but wander off to similar memories of gloom.

This doctor, too, shall say that he can’t specify what’s wrong.

And refer me for more poking & prodding–which will only prolong–

–me suffering silently, trying to make sense of what is really going on.

This entire process has felt like crazy-making at its worst,

The constant dismissal of my symptoms feels like a curse.

Is it ungrateful of me to almost hope they find something soon?

So I can finally get some reprieve from the sense of impending doom?

Of course, I don’t want it to be something that doesn’t have a cure.

What I desire is external proof to validate my intuition for sure.

At any point now, another physician will walk in.

He will talk at me in medical jargon that’ll make my head spin.

I know our dear doctors see innumerable patients every day,

but communicating genuine care is not an ethic to be pushed away.

I understand that sometimes answers are complex and hard to find,

But perhaps being transparent with me won’t leave me feeling as resigned.

How is it that the people with the most knowledge of all,

–are the very ones that leave so many feeling unheard and small?

“Something is wrong!”, my intuition cries.

“I’m truly not here based on fabricated lies.”

It is okay for professionals to not have all the answers quite yet,

but empathy and care are traits that no human should forget.

If we continue to view our patients as “just another one”,

We will, carelessly, add more damage to what was already done.

#NotAnotherNotchOnTheBelt

Love you always, all ways

IG: @mahamabidtalent

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@mahamabidtalent

Immortal

Matter cannot be created or destroyed. 

& yet when loved ones “pass”, we are left with a growling void.

Energy can only be transferred & transformed.

So, lament not over ephemeral “death”–

For- it is the omnipotent opportunity to be reborn. 

Chrysalis

By: Maham Abid

She stood near the edge- pretending to fall-

Imagining her landing- losing it all.

A “graceful flight” to death she’d take–

Maybe then, her soul would finally wake.

For years she’d floated away, anyway–

Pretending– barely making it, day-by-day.

She knew there was more–there HAD to be!

She romanticized descending ever so delicately.

Perhaps, she’d find her wings at last?

Would she fall slow? Would she fall fast?

Would it really take her breath away?

Should this, after all, be her final day?

Nothing to live for–nothing at all.

Reasons to give up, reasons to fall.

Inch-by-inch, she reached the end.

Her back formed an arch–a lovely bend.

She was not afraid in the least–

Her destination was awaiting her ominously beneath.

A rippling river, smoothing the rocks–

–wind whipping through her caramel locks.

She took a breath, and finally made her choice.

The air inhaled her quivering voice.

She stepped further and further–away from the ledge.

Never again–not THIS way, she pledged.

She collapsed in a heap on the cold, cracked ground.

Her sobbing and the river intermingled their synchronized sounds.

How had she gotten to her wits end?

I think, too many years of playing pretend…

“I’ve got you; you’re safe,” whispered a Voice in the night.

Comforting and warm–she knew it was right.

“I’ve wanted to talk and finally be heard.”

“Now is the time; here are the words.”

She listened intently, instead of wondering Who it was.

A fullness enveloped her with Love in each pause.

“You don’t have to hide; it is not your time to die.”

“I’m here with you, now, to lull and to guide.”

“Trust me and follow all that I say…”

“I promise to be beside you, forever and a day.”

The stars up above her twinkled brilliantly with delight.

Still as could be, she nestled into the Voice of the night.

“Are you an angel? Who are you?” she asked,

“Tell me! Are you God? Have I found You at last?”

This voice seemed closer– it came from within.

“You see, ” it smiled, “I am all of those things.”

“I am a friend, you could say– I am you in a Higher Form.”

“I’ll keep you safe and promise to keep you warm.”

“Just listen and feel, I’ll help you through…”

“Now you’ll know just what to do.”

“Tomorrow’s a new day–a second chance…”

“Now dry your tears; life is just a dazed dance.”

“I love you and know you love Me too.”

“…and now you know JUST what you have to do.”

Somehow, as vague as it was, the girl understood.

She would make it. There was no doubt; she really would!

No more dreams of dying and death–

–no more longing for her final breath.

She wasn’t alone–she never had been.

Its come time to live and throw caution to the wind!

________

Love you always, all ways.

IG: @mahamabidtalent

Ayrah Noor

The day I first heard your heart beat,

I knew there would be no one that could ever compete…

“Childbirth”, they say, is the only blind date—

–which does not leave its results up to fate.

It’s guaranteed that, in the end, you’ll meet your one true love…

I concur; you’re my most cherished blessing from above!

Before you arrived, my life felt utterly incomplete—

Relishing you has certainly been God’s most delightful treat.

I know “happy tears” aren’t something you’ve felt quite yet…

Just believe when they come, they will put all your fears to rest.

No words can capture what you mean to me—

When you entered this world, you set my caged heart free;

And all of a sudden, my withering world came alive…

Where I once stumbled in the dark, I now only see light.

You truly have been my ray of sunshine…

The love I feel for you is undoubtedly divine.

Our love story is like the tale of the moon and the sun.

Though rarely together, they always await the other one.

I may not be there to watch each time your rise—

But remember that I’m loving you from right across the skies.

If there ever comes a day you feel misunderstood or alone,

Listen closely—and you’ll find my heart beating alongside your own.

And when God decides my work on Earth is finally done—

You MUST stay strong and fight on, my sweet little one.

Never lose sight of the fact that you are MY sun.

Rejoice! Because your reign has only begun.

So, release me in peace, when it’s finally my time.

Do not lose heart as I’ll be leaving you with mine.

Continue  to care for our hearts as I had carefully done,

Because, then, you’ll have two, and I’ll have none.

Love you, all ways, always…

🅜🅐🅗🅐🅜 🅐🅑🅘🅓

Why did the Moon go to therapy?

Because it was feeling a little LUNAtic!

HELLO my beautiful readers,

First and foremost, happy full moon in Scorpio! Yes it’s happening today!

April’s full moon rises on April 23 at 7:49 p.m. ET; it will stay true to its full shape for three days.

For those of you who are familiar with the significance of 3-6-9, take note of the fact that the full moon will reign the skies for three days.

Full moons have a tendency to illuminate the darker aspects of our selves that we usually tend to ignore. They are commonly associated with overwhelming feelings of upheaval, change and transformation. This full moon in Scorpio is no different; in fact, it is probably going to feel even MORE “heavy” for those of us who tend to be energetically sensitive; Scorpio full moons are especially known for their fervor and intensity.

Therefore, it is reasonable to expect heightened emotions during this time. My first suggestion is to please be gentle with yourself. It can feel disconcerting to lean into these amplified “darker” feelings; but, try not to be fearful of the shadows that emerge underneath this full moon. Offer yourself an overwhelming amount of compassion and grace as we all move through this astrological shift.

My second suggestion is to really allow yourself to FEEL the depth, height and width of your experience; immerse yourself wholly while challenging yourself not to REACT in spite of the discomfort. I’d like to remind us all that we are still amidst a Mercury retrograde in Aries that will wrap up on April 25th.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the effects of Mercury retrogrades, I encourage you to do your own research in an attempt to tease out where your life may be affected. In general, retrogrades are associated with confusion, delays, and miscommunication. During these times, people are warned to NOT make any major life decisions or changes. Important decisions should be delayed till our deepest selves feel more astrologically aligned; that is because mercury retrogrades are linked to a jarring disruption in logic, rationality and effective interpersonal communication.

So what does this all mean for us?

It is wise to expect a proclivity towards impulsive outbursts, emotional upheavals and sudden changes of the mind and heart. If the combination of a mercury retrograde and full moon in Scorpio aren’t overwhelming enough, the fact that this full moon squares itself in Pluto makes it all the more engulfing. Pluto is the planetary ruler of Scorpio so the darker motifs associated with this scorpion moon are even more amplified.

Pluto aims to shatter existing constructs only to rebuild them in a way that is more conducive to our life path. The parts that feel really “bad” can be attributed to Pluto’s aggressive nature of intervention; shifts in Pluto are usually sudden, and piercing; They often leave us feeling like we are out of control.

Please remember though, this is all temporary; we are in the middle of a transition. In the moment, it may feel like things are “falling apart”, and that is okay. If we stay grounded, and practice patience, most of us will find that things are are actually coming together. The Universe is simply deconstructing unhelpful parts of our lives that are no longer serving us; in time, we will witness these constructs reassembled in a way that feels more congruent & aligned with our Highest Selves.

To reap the benefits of this transformative shift, we must refrain from reactivity; we must think (A LOT MORE than we usually do) before we act. Some would say inaction may be the best path for now. There is a time for potential growth and a time for kinetic growth. This full moon in Scorpio is definitely one that focuses more on increasing our potential energy. This feels like intense feelings brewing within–almost as if our psyches are in a pressure cooker. Oftentimes, panic and fear resurface–urging us to ACT, right then and there–just so we can reduce the discomfort in the “here and now”.

However, this is not the time to move or act. This is the time to let ourselves be moved by the Universe’s actions; it is about sitting back, and allowing the discordant sensations to move within us. It’s about tolerating stressful emotions without reacting impulsively.

Yes, the Universe is kind and loving, but ultimately our experience of its “goodness” is limited by how much space we create for it inside of ourselves. Oftentimes, we unknowingly keep parts of the Universe “out” because we WANT to portray ourselves in the best light; we do not want to uncover the darker, primal parts of our selves, and that is okay. It is completely natural for human beings to avoid painful realizations about themselves.

However, this does cause a “blindness” of sorts because “we” tend to recall memories & events in a way that makes us the “good guy”, freeing us of culpability. It is human nature to deflect blame on everyone else and anything else. It takes courage and time before we can acknowledge the “miniscule”, very “tiny” role we may have played in a destructive situation. The Universe, however, does not have a bias. It sees us for exactly what and who we are. It know all parts of us–even the ones we try to so desperately to repress. The cosmos never fails to rectify the skewed narratives we tell ourselves; It is not afraid to illuminate the parts of our stories that blind us to our own accountability.

At this full moon, lean into the darker aspects of yourself; become willing and open to see those parts of you that haunt you–the parts of yourself that you fear, despise or want to damage. Try and LOOK at the obsessive patterns that keep manifesting the same undesired outcomes in your life.

Avoid shame, and blame because both cripple us from objectively analyzing ourselves. This very introspection is what will ultimately help remove blocks to our growth. As Carl Rogers eloquently stated: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, only, then I can change.”

Practice radical acceptance of all parts of yourself. Foster forgiveness for the parts that are not fully in alignment with your highest self. No matter the compulsion to do harm, practice non-maleficence. Let the darkness pass through, reminding yourself with each breath, that this is only temporary. All feelings are energetic “waves” that flow through us as if we are a medium. No emotion is there to take permanent residence.

So in the phase of this full moon, I dare you to endure the heavy emotional fog without trying to escape it.

Because you can.

You were genetically engineered to survive.

Let the Universe reveal to you where work needs to be done. Remain teachable. You don’t know it all. Instead of resisting it this time, I encourage you to join the Universe in this emotional journey. Walk with It–let it illuminate parts of you that have become estranged. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s just pain. You’ve experienced it a million times before.

Let’s allow this new moon in Scorpio to push us into the pilgrimage of processing, and purging our shadows so that we can contribute to creating a more loving, evolved world.

I encourage all of you to reflect on the following prompts!

Love you, all ways, always

Returning to Myself (Part I)

To the person I have loved the most—-

They say it is better to have “loved and lost” than to never have loved at all.

 I disagree.

I lost myself in you.

I almost lost myself TO you, literally.

You killed me once.

 The problem, you see, is that I followed faithfully in your footsteps.

I chose to stay.

I chose to retell, repeat, and relive the tormenting narrative you created for me.

I chose to kill myself, slowly—arduously—painfully—every single day—for decades.

Until now.

For as long as I can remember–my life, both figuratively and literally, has been in your hands.

As I sit here, sifting through the decades of dejection, I can wholeheartedly tell you that no person is worth sacrificing your sanity.

Day one or “one day…”?

Its finally day one.

Today is the day I finally let go.

I am shakily, and finally choosing differently.

& do you know the most pathetic part?

I am so scared.

Believing the delusion that your violence might have been “love” is far easier than accepting the fact that the “love” I romanticized was never there at all.   

I am so deathly afraid to let you go—

—even though you have been the most toxic, unhelpful relationship in my life…

I feel fear.

& it’s not because of the alternating black eyes, hushed bruises, or broken bones…

Those heal.

I’ve watched too many of them fade from my body like mirages on a hot day.

I trace my fingers over the ever-so-familiar, black-blue spots I’ve, now, come to find disturbing comfort in.

But they’re gone—

All that remains is the eerie echoes of your query whispers.

“If you looked like (her) _____, or carried yourself like (her)_______, then I wouldn’t be beating you…” you echo menacingly through time, “the reason I’m doing this is because there is something INHERENTLY wrong with you. You deserve this.”

Your words ring in my brain– taunting me, haunting me— till the singular motivation becomes about escape—

I must outrun the crippling hatred erupting relentlessly within me.  

And over decades of deterioration…I have tried to “escape”.

But I have no room to talk. You were right–

 I couldn’t even succeed at the one thing you’ve told me I should have always done.

The truth is, as you say, I am a coward.

I am spineless, identity-less, and lower than the scum on the bottom of the pond..

I couldn’t do it successfully. I came very close.

But “almost” doesn’t cut it.

Who expected a service dog to lounging silently on a neighbor’s porch on a freezing December night?

2020

I ran 5 miles at my fastest pace–

My avid runners–ya’ll would be so proud of my splits!!!

I even beat my PR (personal [best] record)

& after approaching fatigue…I looked around to double check that no one was within sight.

& in the deafening silence of the night…

I carefully wrapped the ankle weights I use for strength training around my weary legs…

And I….jumped…into the deepest pond I had scouted out a few weeks before.

The clock had struck midnight—it was finally my birth “day”…December 4th.

The paralyzing pressure of the water, the languish in my legs, and the curling coldness enveloped me as I was unable to swim to the surface.

And the last thought I remember thinking, as I sank slowly to the bottom

—was tragically about you.

I thought about your cruel words.

“If you want to do the world a favor, Maham…”, you snarled in my slowing brain “just go ahead and do what is needed to be done”

And…. I couldn’t do it.

But I tried.

That damn service dog had alerted his owner with his incessant barking–causing a complete stranger to walk out–and see what was happening. 911.

“Just do it! kill yourself.” I heard under the murky, dark water.

My arms, naturally, fought to try to get to the surface.

But I couldn’t.

It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

I could feel my my lungs give out.

…and I fought—when it came down to it–I FOUGHT to try to get back up to the surface….

Until I heard the final echo of your voice that night….

“Everything you touch turns to misery anyway.”

I heard those last demeaning words…and I stopped fighting.

In that moment, I made the decision to let go.

I let flailing arms fall to my side and closed my eyes as I sunk towards the bottom.

& that was my last thought before losing consciousness.

The next thing I remember is waking up on the grass, on a stretcher, surrounded by EMTs pressing on me—and there it was—OUCH!!!!

All of a sudden, I was yanked back into reality—

–I was choking on the water that was, then, fervently flooding out of my mouth and nose at an unbearable pressure.

I have a momentary snapshot of me wrapped in a bright silver insulating blanket.

& I lost consciousness again…

I was struggling with hypothermia…[as I would come to find out later’

And finally…

I awoke in the ER..

I looked around, absolutely bewildered and puzzled.

& before I could fully become aware of what had happened, a deeper realization struck a chord so deep in my heart.

‘I am a failure’–I thought to myself. And I was. And I may still be. I was a failure in every sense of the word—.

I couldn’t even kill myself “right”.

But neither could YOU.

“I wish he had taken away your life when he ‘allegedly’ took your virginity,” I hear you screaming in my mind.

If anything, you have made it painfully clear that your life (and the lives of many others) would be a lot “bit brighter” without my presence.

“If you weren’t such a whore…then maybe you wouldn’t have gotten raped,”…

–at 14 years old—-with a knife–

Yes. The knife was utilized to “pop” my cherry.

To you, however, that’s irrelevant. It’s impertinent.

It is always my fault.

It has to be.

If I want to keep you in my life, I must always “dim” my light so you can shine brighter.

and so it begins…yet again…

An assortment of your agonizing remarks cycle through my head—at a merciless speed—

—over and over again—

My brain gets stuck on repeat like a broken record playing the same few tunes repetitively.

The tunes of my record are the stuff of nightmares.

The torment of your insidious insults continues till I want to rip my own head out of my body.

HELP!!!!!!

No human can stay immune to the missiles of such fiery self-hatred forever…

So what does one do when that unrelenting, merciless abuse starts to come from their own brain?

& just like that–

I find myself thrust into the 9th circle of hell from Dante’s Inferno.

& so…I do what I’ve always done

I dissociate.

 I leave my body.

and for a few fleeting moments, everything…feels… a little bit ‘lighter’—a little bit further.

As your ridiculing remarks become more muffled and harder to decipher,

the ominous panic boiling inside of me steadily slows to a soft, sufferable simmer.

and there “I” am…soaring…above it “all”.

There I am– simply watching a homosapien named “Maham” go through some not-so-cute stuff.

I watch my body curiously as it floats above me—

and “I” become lifeless.

& just like that—

All the pieces of my fragile psyche shatter into sharp, serrated fragments once again–

But

–at least–

I finally feel cold amidst the fire.