This week, we will be returning to one of our mind’s most revered, well-rehearsed, and absolutely maladaptive ways of thinking, or what were they called again???
COGNTIVE DISTORTIONS!
Distortion, who?
WARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful ways of thinking that are adopted throughout the lifespan of a human. They are usually adopted as defense mechanisms in immediate acute stages. However, if they continue to linger on and become a part of our daily routines, they become highly problematic. All cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are usually cultivated during a crisis–a short-term response to an emotionally overcharged situation. They are not inherently “good” or “bad.” They are just mere momentary defense mechanisms to help us get through immediate tension. When they become more overarching in our lives, they begin to infiltrate our day-to-day life and cripple our interpersonal connections and self-evaluation.
This week, WE will discuss one of the triplets of a a family of cognitive distortions.
The FATHER of this family is jumping to conclusions.
In psychology, this distortion branches out into three categories: 1. Mind-reading 2. Fortune-telling 3. Labeling.
So…what does each one pertain? Why do we engage in these negative ways of thinking? Most importantly,how do we catch ourselves in the midst of it so we can begin to stop it?
Here is your one-step stop for nipping these types of unhelpful patterns of thinking in the bud.
Mind-Reading
The first mutation branching off the “jumping conclusions” band wagon is “mind-reading”.
So mind-reading– What is it? When does it become unhealthy?
I think it’s really important to get the crisp, curt definition of the phenomenon.
In general, “mind-reading” refers to the super-human ability to discern the thoughts of each other without the normal means of communication, especially by means of a preternatural power.
In psychology, “mind-reading” falls into a subcategory of one of the most common cognitive distortions; its corresponding parent category is “jumping to conclusions.”
Mind-reading is a misnomer given to the cognitive error that occurs when we try to predict what someone else is feeling based on our own assessments of the situation alone.
Just in case you were curious, the conclusions we arrive to through mind-reading are usually WRONG.
When we are engaged in mind-reading, we do not take time to consider others’ unique thoughts and life experiences, and we become increasingly and incorrectly stuck in our limited lens of thinking.
Some examples of “mind reading” look like:
As you can see, those are some lofty assumptions about reality. Another poignant observation is that each thought bubble shares the same faulty pattern of thinking. Each of these situations involves a person incorrectly assuming something to be true for another person. The problem with this type of thinking is that we are usually projecting what we feel onto others. We usually do not take time to check our facts, and consult with the other person/people in situation to see if our “read” on the situation may been skewed.
The truth of the matter is NO psychologically sound person is capable of “mind-reading.” It simply does not exist. In fact, if someone were to tell me that they knew, without a reasonable doubt, that another person was feeling a certain way, I may have to recommend them more intensive psychiatric help.
Believing that we know what others need, want, and think without communication is a delusion. We do not truly know what another wants or needs are unless there is an appropriate exchange of questions and answers.
That is why some of the most helpful skills therapists try to coach their clients are in regards to communication. We must questions for clarifying because, who knew? We are not always right.
By asking others how they feel, or what they want, we allow them to exercise their birthright of autonomy. When we ask questions, we create space for others to clarify their desires, thoughts, and actions.
I find myself commonly engaging in mind-reading around people in my immediate circle. It is only natural to study, observe and gather nonverbal data on those that we spend the most amount of time with.
The problem with this natural predilection is that our mind cannot stop doing it. So much so that, it sometimes does its job too well. It will arduously collect information, day in and day out. Now, the brain is not to blame. It is only doing what it was created to do. The primitive brain is often trying to categorize only in an attempt to simplify complex human realities. As a result, we may jump to conclusions, polarized thinking, overgeneralization and other patterns of erroneous thinking.
An Example of how F*CKED up it can get FAST
We have all experienced being the friend/coworker/partner who finds themselves thinking: “Oh no! ______ hates me. I’m just sure of it!” (of course we are)
This type of charged thought usually infects our brains long and before we know it, the parasite has taken over our secondary thinking. All of a sudden we are dealing with a cascade of negative feedback.
Quickly after suggesting the notion of someone not liking us to the brain, we begin to subconsciously “collect evidence” to support that same incorrect belief.
For example, if that person looks up and frowns, we are more likely to assume that it is because of their loathing towards us rather than a completely unrelated cause.
As more and more time goes on, the narrative in our heads thickens until we start to notice every single sigh, eye roll, and sarcastic remark and internalize it towards us.
We become so zoomed in; in this highly charged state, we become acutely aware of the slightest changes in the other’s body posture. Our panicked brains’ engulf themselves in rapidly computing every nonverbal cue to become negatively-connotated; we are trying collect all the (already-biased) information so that we may somehow arrive at the “logical” conclusion. At least, that is what the brain will have us “believe.” The truth is exactly what I stated above–we cannot ignore our own inherent bias about the situation.
The way our brains are wired is literally to search specifically for proof that validates the ideas we already believe to be true. We think we may be neutral, but at best, through psychoeducation and self-awareness, we can become mindful of the preexistence of these unique, acquired biases and shortcomings we have.
Next week, we will be delving into an equally insidious twin sister of mind-reading, who seemed to have gotten her dysfunctionality gene from their shared father–jumping to conclusions.
But before, let me not abandon you without suggestions for how to survive the tendency to mind-read.
Tip #1- Reflect and Retrain
The most wonderful and liberating thing about realizing that we are, most likely, wrong….is that we also possess the power to re-equilibrate our thinking to align more closely with reality.
I want you to ask yourself the following question
Why do I assume that people will treat or talk about me in a bad way?
Please write down at least 10 reasons why you believe that to be the case. The best way to approach this exercise is to a) don’t judge yourself too much for believing it because we all do. We all seem to think that the world is preoccupied with us, to some extent. I want you to try to “free-associate” when jotting down the answers to the aforementioned question.
What does free-association mean?
That means, it does not matter how ridiculous, narcissistic, self-absorbed, negative or absolutely ludicrous your brain’s responses are to that question. I want you to just jot them down, without thinking (well…while minimally thinking). The point is to gather your automatic thoughts so that we can focalize on the underlying belief that may be driving you to think that you are indeed, the center of the world, and the reincarnation of the antichrist.
Tip #2- Observe Your Reaction During Mind-Reading
Mind-reading causes negative symptoms in your body and accelerates the fear which already exists. The reason we ALL begin to mind-read is because some external trigger has literally inflamed a pre-existing insecurity we had long before someone else ever rolled their eyes around us.
If you get anything out of this post—or anything out of the series of posts about cognitive distortions–please let it be this: WE MIND-READ BECAUSE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES. It happens because someone or something else has triggered something that already PRE-EXISTED (usually long before) the irritant manifested itself.
As a result, our bodies start to give these tell-tale signs that we often ignore because we jump to conclusions and become extremely preoccupied with protecting ourselves. It is so vital to slow ourselves in the moment to observe these bodily sensations and cues because they can be of utmost help in recognizing our tipping off balance.
For example, fear of inadequacy is a phobia that often triggers me to mind-read. Due to my life experiences, and my own interpretations of them at the time, I have a very hard time controlling my reactions and thinking when I even SUSPECT that someone has “figured me out.” The following is an example of how my brain works:
– Insert external trigger: an eye roll or sigh or someone not saying hi to me.
Omg! ______ saw me and ignored me. What did I do? Is it because I didn’t say hi to her? Did I look mean? Did she overhear her me saying something negative about her? Should I apologize? I’m such a failure! I knew it. Everyone in my life was right (overgeneralization). I have been figured it out. God damn it! I try so hard to perfect this “facade” of having it all together and I knew it was just a matter of time. They’ve all figured it out. She’s probably told everyone else that I’m just a big old imposter. A wannabe. A loser. Someone who tries so hard just to “help” others because they just want to feel good about themselves. And you know why? Because I suck. I suck. and I KNOW I SUCK (emotional reasoning) and there is no way for me to hide it. It will always come out in time….etc.
The above was an example of free-association. Do you see how fast my thoughts spiraled?
Now, what is likely is that before I stepped into the quicksand of my dendrites firing away, there were probably tons of sensory cues that warned me that my brain was about to go down this path.
I know I must have felt that “heart drop” feeling. I don’t know how else to describe it, however, I know I ALWAYS tend to feel it when I feel rejected, humiliated, or fearful. It’s that pang in the heart. I might:
Start flushing red
Feel my body temperature rise
Start shaking
Show patterns of uneven breathing
Tighten up my shoulders due to tension
Begin to feel my stomach churn due to feeling uncomfortable.
Feel like I need to puke
Become clammy
Start furrowing my brows in worry
Feel “frozen” in time
Feel my heart beating faster.
There are so many different ways that our body tries to catch up to our mind. Even though each one of our “tell-tales” may be unique and different, I promise you that they exist. We all must work towards becoming aware of them so that we can not fall down the rabbit hole I just described above.
Tip #3- Ask questions
This is the simplest and most efficient way to nip mind-reading and other cognitive distortions in the bud. It is also one of the most difficult ones, in terms of mustering up enough bravery to ask something we may not want to hear the response to. I have had to train myself, and even come up with “scripts” when I’m not heated, that I can use in the moment to help clarify what I’m thinking. Some include:
“Hey, this might just be me, but I feel like there is a shift in energy in the room/between us (etc). Did I do something to offend you or upset you?”
“Are you upset with me, or is it just me?”
Bonus tip: ADD HUMOR– “You know my tendency to think everything is about me…so I saw you sigh earlier, and automatically jumped to the conclusion that it was indeed because of me. Now, I know I’m probably overthinking this, but I wanted to clarify and give you the opportunity to remind me that I’m just not that important.” this one gets a lot of laughs.
“I keep feeling like something is off with us. Am I wrong?”
“Hey, are you okay?”
Asking questions allows us to tell on ourselves, and allow others the autonomy to express their own feelings. Furthermore, it opens up the door for us to become of service to those around us if there is something unrelated bothering them. Checking in with others and being transparent about our own tendencies to catastrophize can also help them find us more relatable and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if there is something wrong in the future.
Please re-read this as many times as you need: “we LIKE people for their qualities, but we end up falling in LOVE with them for (admitting) their defects”.
Ah! I missed a few days of the gratitude practice. But it’s okay! Missing these days has reminded me to rediscover the value in imperfection! Simultaneously, however, I am grateful for the ability to pick up right where I left off. All in all, missing two days was a very humbling experience. It reminded me that I am imperfect. It’s quite easy to get caught up in the trap of “perfection” and feel like we must upkeep routines to-a-tee; we metamorphose into dictators making sure we are relentless in abiding to the routines we create. Consequently, disruptions to our plans, and the inability to carry them out perfectly is a very sobering reminder; perfection is a trait that is unattainable in the human state. This means that I will mess up. I will fall short; I will not be able to be 100%. This is okay, and is in perfect alignment with the nature of how I was created. It is this very imperfection within me that creates the necessary space for God to enter. It is this “falling short” that encourages me to fall back on Him. It is my limited scope that encourages me to search for something Greater. So, I am grateful for the elucidation of my own imperfection.
Today, I’m grateful for the words of author, Matt Fitzgerald. In his book, “How Bad Do You Want It?”, he describes the relationship between endurance, mind and body. Through studying the literature, he found that it is not actual muscle fatigue that slows down athletes or causes them to quit in an event; it is actually the mind. The breakdown of motivation occurs in the brain, not muscle. The experience of fatigue/burn-out does not come about as a result of pushing the body to limits of exhaustion. In fact, extensive testing has demonstrated that athletes who claim fatigue can almost always do more at the muscular level. So why did they stop?
Because of the self-imposed limitations their minds created.
“Science has only recently recognized that endurance performance is fundamentally psychological. When we say someone has ‘endured something’, what do we mean? we mean that the person has gone through a challenging experience. . It’s the experience, not the biological fatigue that must be endured. Endurance athletes by definition endure. They endure long hours of training, deprivations that come with a monastic lifestyle, and all manners of aches and pains. But what endurance athletes must endure ABOVE ALL is not actual effort, but perception of effort. This is the phrase that scientists now use to refer to what athletes normally describe as how hard exercise feels in a given moment. And it represents the central concept of the psychobiological model of endurance performance. It was perceived effort that causes the endurance athlete to slow down and even quit. The most important truth you can know as an endurance at athlete is this: one cannot improve as an endurance athlete except by changing one’s relationship with perception of effort. Perceived effort is essentially the body’s resistance to the mind’s will. The fitter an athlete becomes, the less resistance the body puts up Even something as seemingly physical as training conforms to this principle.”
Matt Fitzgerald, “How Bad Do You Want It?”
I’m particularly thankful for this excerpt. I really admired and resonated with his description of an endurance athlete. Endurance athletes are people who endure difficult things. If running, or working out during pregnancy was easy, then everyone would be doing it. There are certainly challenges in the path, for all of us. However, we can choose to become our version of endurance athletes, in whatever challenges we are facing. We can choose to face, bear, and cope with any change with grace and dignity. It was because of Fitzgerald’s description of an endurance athlete, combined with the discovery that the mind’s perception of effort is different than the actual exhaustion, that led me to muster up the courage to run outside again.To be completely raw, running outside has been a tough experience for me; it is the one area in which I am starting to see the glaring effects of pregnancy. Prior to me falling pregnant, running on concrete or asphalt felt relatively effortless; I was carrying less weight, and my muscles and body were able to handle the physiolgoical pressures quite effectively. Now, I easily get winded, feel tired, and am undeniably slower in my pace. As a result, running outside doesn’t “feel” as good as it used to; this causes me to shy away from the passion.
Today, however, I told myself that just because my brain doesn’t perceive it “as feeling good” doesn’t mean that the experience is not actually just as good for me. Just because my brain readily perceives and accepts the “I can’t do it!” mentality doesn’t mean I actually won’t be able to do it. And so…just like that, I put on my running shoes and RAN outdoors. Every time self-limiting thoughts would arise in my run, I gently returned to the words of Matt Fitzgerald. “I’m not actually exhausted or fatigued at the muscular level,” I repeated to myself, “my mind’s perception of effort is skewed; In reality, I can keep going for much longer.” And I did.
In no way am I saying that the run today was glorious and fatigue-free. I felt winded; I felt tired; my muscles felt sore; I was slower. Running outside while I’m 6.5 months pregnant is certainly not as much of a breeze as it were pre-pregnancy. But you know what? I was able to do it! I was able to get out there and prove just what Fitzgerald was talking about. So many times, I would get a leg cramp or random ache and register it as: “exhaustion approaching—need to stop.” But really, as I kept running past that feeling, the perception of feeling it necessary to stop faltered away. I was able to keep going, proving that true exhaustion was far away. My protective mind was simply trying to convince me that I was exhausted in an attempt to conserve energy.
You guys, I’m so thankful that my brain is not always right. And above that, I’m grateful that you and I can choose to be endurance athletes in our own lives. Whether it be in sports or life challenges, we can choose to have the mindset and resilience of an endurance champion! I’m blessed that I have so many experiences in my memory bank that attest to the fact that I can endure really trying challenges–that I can endure. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. My mental limits are not my actual limits. Thank God for that!
02/25/2016
Today, I am so grateful for the encouragement and support I’ve been receiving from strangers for my fitness endeavors during pregnancy.
Really, never underestimate the value of a kind gesture. Sometimes, when I’m running outside and wearing a “baby on board” or “this girl is going to be a mommy” shirt, I’ll get random honks of encouragement; the people passing me by on the running trail will give me thumbs up signs and beaming smiles! Of course, this just results in me beaming a pearly right back! I’m truly grateful for these uplifting gestures; There’s also been people at the gym who have actually come up to me and vocalized how proud they are of my discipline and physical work ethic during pregnancy. It really is little things like that that leave my day a little more brighter! I’m immensely grateful for the support, but above that, I’m grateful for the ability to keep physically active during my pregnancy! I realize that it is a blessing and a gift that is not granted to all. Being able to move our bodies is a gift even outside of pregnancy! There’s many people who can’t walk to the mailbox to get their mail, much less go for a walk or run because of debilitating health issues.
On another note, I think I finally targeted why I’ve been feeling slightly under the weather for a few days! I’m thankful for this realization, because it allows me the opportunity to take action. My stomach has been very sensitive recently, and I think it is because of the spices and tomoato-based curries in Indian cuisine. When I’m living with my husband, I don’t eat too much Indian food but since visiting my family, I have definitely been consuming more spices! I think these spices, alongside the tomato-based curries are the culprit. So starting tomorrow, I think I’m going to return to basic, bland(ier) foods like alkaline fruits, egg whites, vegetables and complex carbs. I’m hopeful that this shift will allow my upset stomach to settle down! We’ll see! *Check Back: IT DID HELP!*
Me after eating the delicious, but spicy home-made curries
You know what I’m really grateful for? Recently, I feel like I’ve had this shift in attitude when it comes to doing demanding tasks. If there’s an undesirable task that I simply don’t feel like doing, I realize that I can still do it. My ability to conduct the task is irrelevant on my feelings towards it! I’ve realized that a cooperative mind is beneficial but NOT necessary in doing tough things! The mind is simply ONE part of the mind-body-spirit trifecta. The body and spirit don’t really care if the mind is motivated, the results are the same with or without its endless chatter. Sure, when it’s bursting with supportive, positive, and encouraging energy, it certainly makes the task feel easier. But the raw completion of the task is not entirely dependent on it. THANK GOD! Recently, when my brain puts up resistance to certain tasks, I’ve been repeating the following phrase: “sweet mind, it would be nice for you to show up, but it’s not required.” Then, I’ll do the task anyway! And you know what? So far, it’s gotten done 100% of the times, with or without the mental motivation. I’m truly grateful for this little pearl of knowledge; I know I will be able to utilize it endlessly in the future!
I’m also really thankful for being able to see little baby daughter today. I had an ultrasound done (perks of having a radiologist as a dad!) Oh,and seeing her was marvelous. She was beautiful. My sweet girl with her long legs, hiccups and her silly antics. Do you want to know something funny? The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted any pictures of her, and the only picture I requested was of her ankles and legs. Do you know why? For the last few ultrasounds, we have always found her slightly crossed at the ankles while the rest of her legs remain slightly open. Faraz, my husband, always holds his legs that way!!! It makes me giggle when I see her like that persistently! Like father, like daughter.
Legs outstretched, and feet crossed at ankles just like her daddy.
My sweet baby girl is so beautiful to me; I love her so much already. Her expressive little kicks, and delicious little movements make my heart so full. I love that she makes her existence known. This quote by Paul Eluard really captures how I feel about my lovely daughter. Every time I see her or feel her subtly kick, I remember this.
Translation: “I hear your voice in all of the world’s noise.”
And mommy will always be listening for you, my love.
02/26/2016
I woke up in quite a vulnerable mood today. Again, vulnerability is not necessarily a “bad” emotion. It’s just that I feel highly connected today; I feel as if I’m intricately in tune to the frequencies within me and around me. I do have to say, however, there is an undeniable tinge of sadness to the emotion of vulnerability. It’s not even so much grief, or lethargy, but more sensitivity—an ability to hurt with the world. I’m highly feely today. There is an undeniable softness that accompanies vulnerability; it has to. It would be impossible to have a iron-clad interior and simultaneously be able to connect with others. So, I’m thankful for this vulnerability. It reminds me of our very fragile human condition; it reminds me of the inherent vulnerability of our very existence. We are always in the process of letting go, and losing certain aspects of our lives. As we grow, we consistently shed layers of ourselves to accumulate new and improved versions of ourselves. We continue to this process till we eventually come to pass. There is a tinge of sadness to this inevitability, right?
Today, I’m actually really grateful for something good that happened yesterday night. The reason I am talking about it today is because the good vibes created from that experience are seeping into today (aA). Everytime I return home, my sister and I will have a pampering session. We grab our favorite bath balms from Lush, fill up the tub with soothing hot water, put on our swim suits, and just lay on each end of the tub, and talk about everything in between life and death. Today, we put the intergalactic bath balm in the water and watched in wonder, like little kids, as it burst into a peacock-colored glittery frenzy in the water! Ah. It was pure joy.
As we sat in our glittering goddess bath tub, we laughed till our stomachs hurt— about how random teas from Starbucks remind us of the smell of our cats! We discussed the things that we are afraid of losing in life, and how we are coping with the changes that are coming along. We added to our collection of cat memes, discussed the most ridiculous child raising strategies, listened to our favorite songs, (with our own renditions of it of course) MERSALICIOUS lol. but most of all—we thanked each other as we arrived to the same familiar conclusion. Once more, we come to the humbling realization that we are so blessed in our sisterhood bond. There are so many sisters who don’t get along—who have their relationships tinged with the bitterness of jealousy, competition and comparison. But aA, by God’s grace, we were spared from that trial. No matter how long it has been since I’ve seen her, every time we get together, we end up acknowledging how special our bond is, in so many words. I know that it is the one thing that we both want to withstand the test of time. Alhamdullilah for the best sister. She is my best friend!
Today, I also want to discuss something that I feel is a delicately subtle blessing bestowed upon all of us—the blessing of choice.
I am so grateful for it. Regardless of whatever happens to us, we can choose how we react to it. Today, I was talking with two people about a similar catastrophe that befell them; their attitudes about their lives, the event, and its lingering effects couldn’t be more starkly different! One person was very lethargic, and looked upon her life with a jaded bitter regret. The other, however, seemed to have discovered greater meaning to her life through the suffering; she found purpose to it. She looked back upon it as a life lesson, a necessary stepping stone, claiming that the experience has made her into the wholehearted, happy-go-lucky person that she is today.
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
02/27/2016
😦 Sigh 😦
Today was…trying. This probably isn’t going to start off as an expected entry from a gratitude journal, but if you bear with me, I promise I’ll get around to the silver lining. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently; my husband and I are in the middle of a move; we have a daughter on the way; there’s been changes in my career path, my visiting back and forth between family and living with my husband; let’s not forget the plethora of changes pregnancy brings about. My body is changing; my ability to do/not do certain things is changing; my hormones are fluctuating. Everything seems to be at the whims of change.
I think the reality of these compounded changes really hit me today. I’m not even going to lie, I think I had a borderline anxiety attack. You know, certain things are never going to be the same again. Having a baby means that the thought “me and Faraz” will rarely cross my mind again. It will always always be my daughter, me and my husband. Things that have semed so effortless, like going to the gym, or going on late night grocery runs are going to have to undergo some creative adjustments; I mean, let’s be real…there’s only so much “spontaneity” you can have in your life, when you have to plan 15 minutes in advance to strap in a carseat, dress your tot for the temperature outside, and pack a bag for their unanticipated accidents.
Another thing that has been scaring me about being a mother is the essence of this experience; on a level, my daughter is going to be my replacement generation. And though she was a thoroughly planned, and long anticipated child, that truth is just scary to think about. Her coming highlights the fact we are no longer going to be the “kids” anymore. This realization really highlights the fact that we are aging, and that time seems to be flying away. I have an inkling that once she’s born, time is going to speed up even more. She will grow up right before my eyes, and before I know it, we’ll be planning for another baby, and then boom! I’m the soccer mom and Faraz is a little league coach. I wish there was a way to hit the pause button, and just process everything for a second.
The fact that we are moving into a bigger place in March is also layering on the change. You guys, we’re letting go of the apartment that we’ve had since the beginning of our marriage. That was mine and faraz’s first residence together. The place is full of remnants and memories of our earliest years; it was the place that witnessed the evolution of us fighting relentlessly with each other to fighting relentlessly to be with each other. There are countless memories at every nook and turn. To think that I won’t be able to walk back into a place I’ve called home for nearly half a decade blows my mind.
All in all, these changes are certainly inciting some fear in my restless spirit. I’m grateful, however, that there is always a flipside to the frightening aspects of the process; the other side of fear is excitement. This move, and the arrival of the baby characterizes an exciting, new times in my life. Yes, it will no longer be just me and Faraz, but perhaps, having another being to think about will be fulfilling and leave me wholehearted. I am so grateful for having five beautiful years of just me and my husband. I think that time gave us the opportunity to thoroughly get to know one another, not just as partners, but as people. We became acquainted with each other’s hopes and dreams, fears and aspirations; now, I find us in a place, where we foster a deep appreciation for the other person’s individual presence, not just their role as a partner.
It is also exciting to consider that we’re getting a bigger place that puts us in a better location to get to school/work more easily. I’m looking forward to building new memories there. I think, in retrospect, I’ll appreciate the move at this time, because it will mark the arrival of my daughter. Faraz & I created beautiful memories in the apartment together…just the two of us., However, this new place will become the canvas for painting new memories with the three of us…our daughter!
Our daughter’s room in the new place
Times of change make me really grateful that “home” is a feeling and not a place. We can let go of the material things and still have the sensation of home. I’m utterly grateful that the sensation of belonging arises from the people, experiences and interactions we have in our life. “Home” is being embraced into my husband’s loving arms after a hard day. “Home” is seeing my cat’s fluffy orange tail twitch with excitement when he sees me. “Home” is the feeling I get when I dance around to “I like to move it, move it” with all the creatures of the house. “Home” is sprawling out on the ground, writing in diaries, with the aroma of vanilla-smelling candles filling up the room. Home is NOT a place. It is a feeling. And I’m so grateful that I am taking all the elements that help infuse that life and meaning into my world with me. My husband, my cats, and our memories will be left untouched.
Though I understand (and certainly feel) that change is scary, I’m really grateful that the changes we are undergoing are not ones that are catastrophic or traumatic. They are not changes brought upon by a natural disaster, an onset of a sudden illness, or the destruction of a dream. They take on the category of transitional changes, as opposed to catastrophic changes. This makes me so utterly grateful. I’m so happy we are all safe and sound; we are in good health, and that we are gifted with the BLESSING of a new addition to the family. These transitions are beautiful, necessary and normal in the process of life. I’m also very thankful that I get to hold onto my anchor, my husband, (and him, me) throughout these transitory changes. It’s like carrying around my blanket of stability, familiarity, and safety with me; the soothing effect of knowing that he will be there, and that my family and his family will be there is a truly comforting and cooling breeze over my restless heart.
Lastly, I am shockingly thankful for panic, and overwhelming anxiety. I know that while they are affecting me, I feel crippled, frozen and like I’m stuck and suffocating. But…if I practice adequate courage, and allow these feelings to move within me, they create space for acceptance and serenity. Despite the variability in stimuli that may trigger a fearful response, there is an undeniable predictability in accepting and letting these feelings move through us; once we do, we feel lighter, better, and more hopeful—even if our situations haven’t changed much. I’m grateful for this ability to regulate internal homeostasis; I’m grateful that I can choose to have my peace, regardless of what circumstance befalls me.
02/28/2016
I’m so grateful for loving parents. They could tell I had a rough day yesterday, and they’ve done everything in their power to make me feel better. And you know what? They’ve succeeded. Thank God for people that care about me so deeply—the people that know that when I push them away, all I’m really wanting is to see if they care enough to push back.
I’m grateful for the familiar sun rising, beautifully marking the opportunity for a new beginning. With the rise of the sun, I realize that yesterday is now gone and that today is an absolutely new day. I can make of it as I will. It was really symbolic because I awoke with the sun shining on my face, letting me know that lightness had returned; I am once more restored to a world full of endless possibilities.
This really makes me realize the mercy of God. You may think of Him as Jesus, Buddha, nature, the universal laws, or whatever higher power you believe in. (I just happen to call him “Allah”). I’m really thankful for His mercy. The fact that today, I am feeling so much better than I was yesterday really highlights the fact that suffering is not uninterrupted. The course of one day, or even one hour does not accurately predict the course of the next day or the next hour. Things can turn up; there is always some element of “good” even in the worst days. For example, everything could be going array in a day but simply entering a store, being welcomed by a gust of cool air-conditioned air on a scalding hot day is something miniscule and “good”. day It makes it to where there is an undeniable interruption in the “badness” of events. I’m so thankful for this. Suffering never comes to us in an UNINTERRUPTED, continuous manner. Whether it be a colorful bird flying by, the sun shining on cold toes, a smile from a stranger, a convenient vacant parking space, or a warm bed to sleep in—there is always a “feel-good” interruption. I interpret the presence of these little miracles as extensions of mercy from God.
I’m also really thankful for the body’s ability to adapt. Today, I went into the gym and every part of me felt so sore from my strength training workout from Friday. They say that oftentimes, a cardiovascular workout is just what you need to get sore muscles feeling better. As I got on the elliptical, no part of me wanted to move; however, as the workout progressed, my muscles began to feel better! I think the improved circulation helped move along the accumulated lactic acid, my legs started to feel less sore. I’m really grateful for this and for the human body’s ability to adapt. I know I often gripe about change, but in small moments like this, I realize how utterly grateful I am that things don’t remain the same. I’m truly grateful for change. Without it, we would become stagnant, dry, and brittle; at its essence, we would be dead. And I don’t want to be dead while I’m alive. For as long as I live, I want to exude vivacious life energy.
So I thought about writing about a lot of different things this week; I could speak about my fitness routine, my nutrition, and other topics that a few of you have expressed interest in. But, can I be completely honest with you?
There’s a lingering issue that has kept tugging on my heart recently. I feel that if I didn’t share it with you, I would be denying myself (and you) of the utmost authentic interaction we could have.
The matter that my mind and heart have been grappling with is the pesky concept of change. C-H-A-N-G-E. I mean, on some level, we all know that things change– that nothing remains the same. We wake up to different day with a brand-new sunrise; we nonchalantly check our clocks at work and realize that “time has passed.” But, really, how many of us have actually contemplated this idea of change in its profundity? Yes, I mean the absolutely scary, spine-chilling, hair-raising parts that accompany this inevitable truth. Everything is subject to change. Our bodies will not stay the same; neither will our minds. There is an imminent timeline on both our physical and mental capabilities; there will come a day when they, too, will change, and begin to deteriorate with age. To me, the most grievous part of the changing process is having to let the people in our lives change. The people we hold so dear to our hearts—our husbands, partners, fathers, brothers, mothers, sister, friends—even they are subject to the basic unsparing principle of impermanence; it’s heart wrenching to think that at times, letting these people change means coping with the fact that they must transition through and out of this world;there will come a day when you and I will no longer be able find comfort in the warm, soothing embraces of our beloveds.
But are change, impermanence and even death really as wretched as we make them out to be? Even the “we” that assigns these processes as negative and painful is not permanent. So, no. I don’t believe this processes are inherently bad. I think they just inherently are.
Recently, change and impermanence have been sowing through my spirit deeply and painfully. Pregnancy has a way of highlighting the truths we work so arduously to ignore; I mean, your growing body makes life’s consistent fluctuations quite difficult to neglect. Pregnancy is a time of great physical and emotional change for women. Everything from the size of our bellies to the speed at which our hearts beat, to how much blood is pumping through our veins fluctuates voraciously over a cramped period of nine months.
And to me, that’s frankly terrifying.In our society, there are far too many ludicrous “old-wives tales” and burdensome stereotypes about pregnancy. One such implicates pregnancy to be a time in which expectant women are only allowed to burst with love for the miraculous gift of life they are growing; (forget bursting with tears over the fluctuating horomones, and physiological aches and pains). Pregnancy is said to be an exciting, incomparable and life-altering experience. Yes, that is true. But society can be too hasty in glazing over the unfavorable aspects.
For me, the most challenging aspect of pregnancy has been tolerating its rapid and repetitive changes. I, personally, have a very difficult time coexisting with uncertainty and change. My most amiable attitude towards it can be described as mandatory toleration. “Change, I acknowledge that you exist” but ” I’m absolutely terrified of you, and would like it if you could just stay as far away from me as possible…”
“Oh, and if you must come…please arrive as slowly and gently as possible.”
To hell with that in pregnancy.
~CHANGES IN PREGNANCY~
I’m about mid-way through my pregnancy, and recently, my growing belly has started playing hide-and-seek with me. At times, I’ll notice the protruding bump, and the next moment it’s completely gone. I can’t help but await in anxious uncertainty, wondering when I’ll “pop.” I have mixed feelings about it. However, for every distressed change, there is an inspiring counterpart. For me, this has been the movement of my baby girl. Whenever I’m very still, (which to be honest, is rare), I’ll feel her fluttering about. Oh my goodness, that sensation is electrifying, and the feelings it creates within me–they are indescribable. Her little butterfly waltz sends a set of my OWN “love flutters” through my heart.
Another major change that is transpiring is the birth of this insatiable hunger. I think this sensation is, by far, the toughest one for me to handle. On a cognitive level, I have heard and known that “pregnancy brings about more hunger; for god sake, you’re growing a baby…” But Yikes!!! Experiencing it firsthand is an entirely different story. You guys, they really weren’t kidding. The thing is that my activity level hasn’t changed drastically (another positive change), but for some odd reason, I was expecting that the same nutrients that were able to sustain me before my pregnancy would be enough for me and my baby. This was true for the first trimester, but now…boy, am I wrong!! And every morning, at 4 am, every morning…this thing awakens within my womb. RAHHHH!!!
how i picture my daughter in the womb at the break of dawn
My little dictator daughter wakes me up with a ravenous hunger that I cannot EVEN put into words. And suddenly, I’m transformed into a horrifying hybrid of the cookie monster and Godzilla; you can find me stamping around the house wanting to eat everything in sight!!! Even silverware! Humor aside…this feeling is honestly quite unfamiliar to me, and its unfamiliarity really frightens me. Its presence makes it apparent to me that the delicate balance that I had found before has been disrupted. My happy, “pre-pregnancy balance” of nutritional intake and activity level is now offset.
So here’s me telling you that if you are, have been, or are planning to get pregnant—it is not all glamorous. And you are under no obligation or oath to enjoy every moment of it.
The ravenous hunger, clamorous queasiness, manic mood swings, inferno-like heartburn, and unpredictable muscle-aches are completely real. Sometimes, they feel more real than the miracle you are actually carrying. And then, there are the cruel comical changes going on in your body…weird changes to your lady parts, bellies expanding to uncomfortable lengths and when you lay your head to sleep, you’re left with a weighty awareness. You are left with the glaring realization that your body does not solely belong to you anymore. You are now sharing control with a whole other being. How freaking scary is that?
So no, you are certainly not a sociopath for being wary of “growing a miracle inside of you.” It does not, by any means, indicate how much you will love and sacrifice for that little human. It just emphasizes that you, too, are just human.
HEY YOU! A lot of you reading this are probably not pregnant, so how does what I’m saying apply to you? Though you may not have a fetus pressing on your bladder as you read this, I can bet that YOU too HAVE had to endure undesirable changes.
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS
What is your relationship with change? Do you embrace it? Simply tolerate it? Spend great energy in avoiding it?
What are some of the ways you cope with change? What specific things do you do to tolerate it?
What are some aspects of your life that you see undesirable changes in? (fluctuations in weight, in your motivation level, your inspiration, dedication to your relationships, career changes etc.)
How are you currently tolerating these unwanted changes?
So how do I, Maham Abid, recommend that you get get through it? Well, I have 5 WAYS that I use.
Keep reminding yourself that it is only temporary. The not so sharp-sided edge of the sword of change is that it is only temporary. The only that that NEVER changes in life is that EVERYTHING always changes. This means wherever you are in your life—at whatever level of motivation, whatever weight, whatever mood, or whatever circumstance–your current predicament is not your final one; it is subject to change. In essence, “change” is not good or bad; it is our own cognitive perceptions make it out to be the “bad guy.” So theoretically speaking, this means that things could literally change for the better RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT! You could totally win the lottery, get back on the meal plan you desired, muster up enough magical motivation to achieve your goals and live the life you’ve always wanted.
Focus on how things could change/have changed for the better already! I’m not saying that you actually have to make your mind believe this. But, it might be a good idea to simply CONSIDER some positive changes that could potentially come about from your current situation. You’re at rock bottom? Well, there’s only one way to go up from there!
Even for me, there have been several positive changes in pregnancy! My natural tendency is to magnify and worry about the negative ones BUT there are some phenomenal things that HAVE come about as a result of me being pregnant! I’ll (hesitantly) discuss four with you!
POSITIVE #1: I have become a stronger and faster athlete. I am able to run longer distances in faster paced times! Who knew that a few extra pounds would have done that for me?
POSITIVE #2: I have a lot more energy to do the things that I want to do (counterintuitive to most pregnancy stories, but hey, I’m 100% unique!)
POSITIVE #3: I have been super in-tune with my emotions, which has allowed me to become more vulnerable, sensitive and compassionate to those around me. This, in turn, has helped my personal relationships blossom. My network of support is certainly gaining fortitude.
POSITIVE #4: Pregnancy has really elucidated my mind’s propensity to catastrophize and “expect the worst”…this has really forced me to start to break life down to “taking it one day at a time.”
Make time for you- my third recommendation is that if you’re feeling emotionally “off” or down, try to do something that you used to enjoy before. I get it. Sometimes when you’re feeling crummy, it FEELS like you’re going to have to expend enough energy to move mountains in order to do something that you previously enjoyed. This leads me to my next point. But before we go on to that, I really want you to brainstorm of a few activities or hobbies that really made you feel happy, or like yourself before. For me, specifically, this has usually been engaging in physical activity, reading a self-help book or writing.
Start Small: Great things almost always start small. But really, “greatness” is a lofty goal that makes me cringe. I’m sure if you’re feeling helpless at the whims of change, you’ve not even looking for “greatness.” At this point, you’re probably just seeking some seedling of normalcy or “okay-ness” in your day-to-day routine. I’ve got good news for you, because one of the most interesting realizations I’ve come to is that this small, “least expectations” sort of thinking usually results in better progress. For example, there was a time period a few months ago when I just could not get myself to run a MILE. To me, this was a crisis. Here’s someone who is used to running and enjoying 5-7 miles at a time, and now, all of a sudden, I can’t muster up the motivation to run a mile? So logically, I decided that I was going to run half a mile. Yup—that didn’t happen. So I dejectedly lowered my expectations to just taking a walk around the block…that was about as successful as me running a triathlon. You’d think I started by just taking a walk around the block. So I kept lowering my expectations till I finally could get myself to the smallest thing possible to bring me closer to my goal. You know what that was? To read a book about running. So if you’re not seeing any progress, ask yourself, what is an EVEN smaller thing I can do to bring me ½ step closer to living the life I want?
If you can’t do great things, do small things in a great way
Pray- ~Disclaimer~: I really want you to try to detach any religious dogmas and preconceptions you may have when you read this suggestion. I know that the word “pray” can carry a heavy connotation for some who do not believe in God. The reason I have this on my suggestion list is because a lot of my resistance to change is based on the root feeling of FEAR. I’m afraid of change, because I think that things will change for the worse. I’m afraid that with change, something really terrible will happen. What I’ve found is that the only CURE to fear is FAITH. I’m not only referring to faith in a deity such as God, or Jesus, or Buddha (those are fine too though!) I’m referring to having faith in the innate “goodness” of things—having faith in the cause-effect relationships in the universe. I have to remind myself consistently to have faith that things might not turn out as horrible as I have imagined them out to be.
Have a sense of humor– This suggestion is one that I have to thank my dad for. In my last visit, he literally looked at me, smiled and said: “why do you take things so seriously!?” I think part of that is my nature, but I think it’s a really important question to consider! Coming back to the topic of this post—change—everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever, so why do we linger so painstakingly on circumstances that will just pass? I’ve really been trying to joke with my mind, and its tendencies to catastrophize recently. Sometimes, we all just need to step out of ourselves, and look at our minds, and just laugh at the little magical instruments that are working so very hard to protect us from dangers that simply don’t exist yet.
NUMBER #5If you forget everything else, REMEMBER THIS- Not everything your mind tells you is the TRUTH.Your mind knows how to lie too. It’s sole job is to try to protect you. If it senses danger, it switches on its alarms and will create any illusion/delusion it needs to get you to safety. This is a noble and admirable mission, but it can have some annoying consequences too. Depending on who you are, the mind can sometimes react to a mosquito and a lion with the same threat level. So please—do not believe everything your mind tells you. Learn from my mistakes.
~MY CATASTROPHIZING~
I remember during the first trimester, I was SO frightened everyday that I was going to have a miscarriage. Every time I used the bathroom, I expected to see blood denoting “the worst is happening; I’m losing my baby.”
During early second trimester, I was terrified that there was some chromosomal or physiological abnormality in my child…”What if her brain isn’t developed so far?” “What if she has 6 toes?” “What if her ears grow upside down?” Ugh. There is no end.
So I’ll share something something humorous (and totally vulnerable)? Don’t laugh at me. (okay, you totally can. Because I’m cracking up typing this). So initially, I did have a gender preference. My husband relentlessly wanted a girl, and I really wanted a boy; the 16th week rolls around, and we find out it’s a girl. Two doctors confirm it. Do I believe it? Heck no. Two weeks later, we go again, to a DIFFERENT doctor and the only thing different was…tada! MORE developed and noticeable lady parts. Okay, let’s try out one of those elective ultrasound places that do gender reveals! Yay! What do you think it was? Now, finally, at my mid-pregnancy appointment, we’ve gotten a total of 6 different opinions confirming it’s a girl.
You guys, the reason I kept rechecking is not because I was that hellbent on it being a boy; in fact, I was starting to be happy that it was a girl. Truth be told…the reason I kept checking was because the whole time… I was PETRIFIED that this little girl was going to somehow grow “guy parts” too. Then, we’ll have the best of both worlds?What were we going to do then? I’m telling you guys…my mind is a creative little bungalow of ideas, sometimes bordering on hypochondriasis.
So long story short, none of those things happened (so far). Not ONE of my fears came true. So you and I–we are under no obligation to believe that the fears our minds create are going to, with 100% guarantee, come true. We have the power to question the validity of our thoughts, and accordingly reject or accept them.What a relief that is!
I love running because it really highlights the fact that our minds sometimes lie.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope that some aspects of this blog are able to help both, you and I, handle the ebbs and flows of life with more ease. Let’s drop our heavy swords, and cease this endless expenditure of energy in resisting the current of life. Let’s just float…
And you know what, if we can’t seem to do that…then, let’s just ACCEPT that at this point in our lives, we are having trouble surrendering to the flow of things. Even accepting what we have trouble accepting is nonresistance. Haha, tricked ya’, mind!
Are you frustrated because you’re still not seeing results?
Well, take a read of my 20 top reasons you may not be seeing results.
1. Unclear goals. I believe that this is the number one reason people fail to see “results.” The way the human body works is quite simple–it adapts. It will make necessary changes and adjustments in its own physiology to better adapt to whatever stresses are being placed on it. In our case, the added stress is related to how/when/how often we are training. Often times, we do a bunch of different things, in no particular order or time and expect the body to respond in a specific way. Randomness is never going to lead to a specific outcome. So my #1 tip is to figure things out. What do you want? What type of body type do you desire? Are your goals to gain strength, gain muscle, lose muscle, loss fat, etc? Once you’ve established clear cut goals, do some research on it. What types of exercises do you need to do? How often? At what rate do you add a greater load your workouts?
Now, I want to tell you guys something really exciting. Eeep are you ready?
This blog post is only the first one in a SERIES of blog posts to come. So what are my next blog posts going to be about? In light of the fact that I think most people do not get the results they desire DUE to unclear goals, my next THREE blog posts are going to be a series of tips pertaining to three distinct fitness goals
Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
Tips to lose weight and excess bulk
ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS THE CAT?!?! Me too!!! ❤ giggles.
2. Misinformed post workout nutrition: you may not be eating at the proper time or the proper foods for your goals. For example, if your goal is to increase muscle tone and definition, it is a good idea for you to fuel up on an isolate protein snack within 30 minutes of a weight lifting session. On the contrary, if your goal is to lose excess bulk or muscle (ie; bulky quads), you should be avoiding ALL food at least forty five minutes after a moderate intensity cardio workout. This way the body is able to utilize the glycogen stores and then, and only THEN begin to burn through some of the excess muscle storage. More information about appropriate post workout nutrition in relation to your fitness goals will be posted in proceeding blogs.
3. You are overtraining the muscle you want to see shrink. This is a close #2 mistake I see women making. Numerous research has shown that even though women do not get as “bulky” as men, their lower body is more responsive to hypertrophy than any other part. This means that some of us may end up with bulkier legs than we prefer. When this happens, so many of us run to the cardio machines (stair master, elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike etc) in an attempt to burn more calories so we can lose muscle. In theory, this may work. However, what most girls forget is the “use it or lose it rule.” Intense forms of cardio are STILL working your leg muscles. If you are doing cardio everyday, you run the risk of overtraining the very muscle you want to see shrink. “Use it or lose it” applies everywhere. Train the muscles you want to see definition in to fatigue (for me this is arms, and abs). I steer away from training my legs to fatigue as I do not want the bulkier aesthetic for myself.
4. Not drinking enough water! This may be causing you to eat more, and retain more water.
5. Doing too much of the same thing: If you do what you have always done, you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten. That Robbins was a smart cookie, eh? A lot of issues can come up in your training if you continue to do the same sort of excercise day in and day out. First, your muscles will adapt to the load and therefore, it will be much harder for you to attain a “good workout” (I mean “good” in terms of effectiveness). Lessened variety of excercises within your regimen will force hypertrophy (growth) of certain muscles and ignore other muscle groups. This means that you may have more definition in one area (the area you are training), while completely lacking definition in other areas (the areas you are ignoring). Please include cross-training in your regimen. It has saved my world. Seriously. Please. Do it!
6. Nor resting enough: the next few reasons are going to come from the same basic background: that you are putting your body under a ton of stress. When your body feels excessive physiological stress, it begins to produce higher levels of cortisol to allow conservatory metabolic changes to occur. When there is a sustained increase in cortisol levels, your body may start to hold onto food as fat stores. So where does rest come into play? Lack of adequate rest can elicit your body to begin elevating its levels of cortisol! So be careful and take a rest day. 🙂
7. Creating too large of a caloric deficit: you may be working out like crazy and may have simultaneously cut your calories a little too much. Though this will eventually lead to weight loss (I’m talking months, people), the primary reaction is going to be one of stress. In fact, you are probably going to see the opposite results of what you want, initially. Your body will start retaining water like no other, which will lead to an overall “bigger” appearance as you will display signs of puffiness, inflammation and bloating. Furthermore, your body may decide to shift to survival mode and start storing everything you put in it into adipose tissue (or fat). My tip to avoid this from happening is: do as a turtle would do. Slow and steady wins the race. Also, creating too large of a caloric deficit and continuing to work out is a sure way to get injured.
8. Not getting enough zZzZzZz: Let’s talk sleep. If you are not getting enough sleep, you are putting your body in the “elevated cortisol” phase once more. It is under stress, and consequently, it’s going to start retaining water, become inflamed and react as if it is under attack. Also, as you all know, staying up at night can lead to binging on extra snacks, which may not be the best, depending on your fitness goals. So please don’t trade sleep for working out. It may be counteractive.
9. Getting too much sleep: Ah. Here’s that “moderation is key” mantra again. Too much sleep can affect your results too. 6-8 hours per night is optimal. Any more than that and you risk entering a robotic phase of what I like to call “sleep coma.” You know what I’m talking about. Those days where you feel entirely lethargic and tired throughout the day even though you slept a million hours. Getting too much sleep throws off your body’s natural circadian rhythm, pushing it off balance. We don’t want this.
10. Not instilling a proper warm up or cool down: When you are getting into the gym, chances are you haven’t been training for a marathon the whole day. This means that your muscles have been in a static phase. They need time to become “warm” and ready to go. So please take AT LEAST (and I mean, at the very least) 5 minutes to warm up the muscle group you are planning to work out. I, personally, take about 10-15 minutes to conduct a full body warm up. Numerous studies have shown that a proper warm up can also aid in injury prevention. AFTER you are done with your workout, a cool-down needs to take place. Your heart will be pumping blood like crazy; everything is rapid, and your blood vessels are dilated keeping your body at a hyper-alert stage. It is important to take time to cool down, and allow your body to return to homeostasis. A proper cool down can ensure that you don’t faint or begin to feel sick after your workout. Personally, I like to cool down for about 10-15 minutes– until my heart rate gets down to 100 level.
11. Overestimating expenditure: You’ve probably heard the saying– “a one hour workout is just 4% of your day.” Though this statement is meant to motivate, it does hold subtly important information. A one hour workout, regardless of the intensity, is just 4% of your day. A lot of us are guilty of going to the gym, giving it a 110%, and then remaining completely stationary for the next 23 hours. This can lead to an overestimation of expenditure, or how much we think we are burning. The more you move, the more you burn. For an average-sized woman, a one hour shopping spree (walk at the mall) can result in an additional caloric loss of 300-400 cal. My advice to you is: try not to remain stationary the entire day. I know that workouts are tough. Sometimes, you just don’t want to move after them. It is okay to sit/lay for a little bit to recover. However, try to stay on your feet most of the day and move around 🙂
12. Not tracking your food intake. This can lead to an underestimation of how much we are truly eating. Truth be told, calories are hard to burn. They really are. But they are so EASY (and yummy) to ingest. Regardless of your goal, I think it may be a good idea to track your food intake for a few days to see how much you are really eating. This way, you can tweak your workout program and nutrition regimen to optimize results. On a side note, PEOPLE! DRINKS COUNT AS CALORIES TOO. A few lattes from starbucks per day can result in anywhere from a 600 to 900 calorie gain.
13. Not having proper meals. Are you snacking all day? Every few hours? Yes, there has been research done that demonstrates that snacking frequently can rev up your metabolism, allowing you to burn more throughout the day. Though that is true, most people forget to mention the flip side of this phenomenon! When you “rev” up your metabolism with a snack, it means that your body is probably going to feel hungrier and want MORE food. So unless you have the discipline and self-control of a superhero, I recommend that you stick to 3 proper meals, and snack 2-3 times a day.
14. Yo-yo dieting and random working out: Like I said before, randomness will never lead to specificity. If you are not consistent in your method, you are not going to see consistent results. Doing too much, too often throws your body into confusion. So though, some variety is good, too much variety is chaotic. It will take a little bit of time for you to find that balance for you, but I promise, through practicing gentle curiosity and patience, you will discover it.
15. Rewarding yourself with food: There are so many things wrong with that statement. I literally cringed as I typed it up. First of all, food is not a reward. The mentality of using it in a punishment/reward system is very risky. This type of thinking is the root backbone of eating disorders, and compulsive eating behaviors. So, no, food is not a reward. You are not a pet who needs to be bribed with a “treat” to conduct a certain task. Food is fuel. It is a necessity that you need to sustain yourself and all the wonderful things that you accomplish. Please don’t use working out as a means to allow yourself certain foods. Coming from that place of motivation is highly stressful and distorted. (alright, alright, I am getting off my soap box now).
16. Sipping on popular sports drinks during workout: The popular marketed sports drinks are high in calories and sugar. Depending on the drink, you may, literally, be drinking all the calories you are burning. So take notice of what you put in your body. If you tend to get dizzy and want to make sure that you are replenishing your electrolytes, I would stick to plain water, and just mix in a packet of Emergen-C powder!
17. Taking too many breaks during your workout: Sometimes, we work out really hard for 5 minutes, and then start to look at our phone–“oh look, our best friend texted us with a funny picture of a cat eating noodles. Haha, how cute! We need to reply to this. Wait, why just reply in a text message? Let’s one up her! Let’s google funny pictures of cats and find an ubber hilarious picture and send it to her!” 15 minutes later…you’re still on that phone. Sound familiar? Put that phone down!!! Heart rate is changing number ya’ll. In order for it remain elevated, it needs to be maintained with consistent activity. Let’s make the most out of the 30 minutes-1 hour we are dedicating to ourselves and our bodies at the gym.
18. Got (no) patience? : So many of us need immediate gratification. We need to see those changes! And when we don’t, we are quick to walk out on the process. This is one of the simplest reasons we may not see results. If we’re not sticking to working out and seeing the process through, we’re not going to get the results. Sucks how that works, right?
19. Not listening to your body: On the contrary, you may not be listening to your own body . Are you trying really hard to make yourself into another transformation? In that process, you may be neglecting what your body is telling you. The truth is that you are not the same person as any of the other girls in the “transformation pictures.” No, I don’t care if your body may resemble hers. You are NOT her. This means that no work out program is going to be smarter than your own body. If a regimen that’s supposed to make you lose weight is actually making you gain weight, then you may want to change it up. But so often, we just keep going— hoping that with enough time, it will magically make us lose weight. The entire time, we ignore the signs that our body gives us. So, let your body be the primary judge–your primary guide. If you are hyper-vigilant and super aware of your body, you should see SOME change in 4 weeks. If it takes you a little bit longer to notice changes, you should see some by 6 weeks for sure. Again, notice that I said some results. They are probably not going to major life changing ones, but they should be enough to give you insight on how your body is responding to a certain regimen.
20. Don’t forget to love yourself: Alright, so this tip may not be the most “scientifically” correlated with seeing results, but I had to put it in here! It would feel inauthentic if I didn’t! 🙂 Take time to love yourself throughout the entire process–through the injuries, the messups, the falls, the small victories, the big wins, and all the rest. You are trying and you are human. This means that you are going to get there a little bit a time, not all at once. Take time to honor your body and what it can do for you, and most of all, trust it 🙂 It does so much to support you!
I love you all so much! I hope this was helpful ❤
And don’t forget, this was just the first post in a series of posts to come. Watch out for these next three blogs ❤
Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
How do I get lean but small legs? How do I lose stomach fat? What do I eat to lose weight? How do I slim my calves? My quads? How much do you weigh? How many calories do you eat? How many hours do you workout? What types of exercises do you recommend?
Initially, this post was going to consist of me answering your frequently asked questions. However, as I got to thinking about the FAQs from all of you, I was hit with a glaring reality: the most requested blog posts/questions are usually regarding fitness. Getting even more specific, most of the questions within the fitness field are about how to change one’s appearance.
On the surface, this interest seems like admirable curiosity and dedicated ambition to improving oneself, however, the magnitude and fierceness behind the need for fitness “answers” is unsettling. Why is there such FEROCITY behind girls wanting to get rid of that problem spot, or fix their appearance? And do that all in the least amount of time?
Don’t get me wrong! The desire to improve upon oneself is certainly commendable and praiseworthy, however, the panicked INTENSITY behind changing who we CURRENTLY are is troubling and abnormal. I am not trying to isolate the girls who have asked me questions, as I am one of you! I am guilty of doing the same exact thing! I have spent hours upon hours researching how to “slim down bulky quads” or “lose baby fat”, or get rid of acne scars. I am guilty of the same deed. The reason for this post is to address this dangerous and critical epidemic that has infected so many women, including myself.
We have become contaminated with inaccurate information that tells us that we are not good enough. Turn on the TV and look at our commercials. There are ads trying to persuade us to get that cream and cleanser to fix our skin so that we can “gain confidence”; there are companies pushing us to invest in the newest supplements or body wraps so that we can jump-start our weight loss journey; because clearly, there is a scientific correlation between decreasing weight and increased happiness. Right? WRONG.
The entire realm of commercialism invests billions of dollars in attempting to brainwash us into believing that happiness can be bought. If we just had that perfect cream to cure our skin,the perfect supplement to help us lose weight, or the perfect book to change our lives, we would be happy! And, look at our companies. They are bent on trying to convince us that THEY have magically formulated the “perfect” item that is going to give us everything we have ever wanted.
Its absolutely heartbreaking.
It is truly unfortunate to comprehend how deeply these elusive expectations have infected my life. It’s the same sentence OVER AND OVER again, : “I will be good enough when…” …when I get my Ph.d, when the children I don’t even have yet tell me I’m a good mother, when I’m able to complete a marathon, when I have the perfect body, clear skin, etc.
What about now? Why am I not valuable enough to be loved now? I am a work in progress and I will always remain a work in progress. Does that make me invaluable or unlovable?—No, that makes me human.
This brings me back to the numerous questions about fitness—particularly, using fitness to change something that we don’t like about ourselves. We get so stuck in trying to fix what’s wrong with us that we never even stop to figure out why we feel unhappy. What do we not like about ourselves? What makes us unlovable?
We may not like the way we look–we may despise something about our physique or appearance. Some of us may loathe our tendencies–the way we feel, the negative thinking patterns we’ve acquired. Others of us may not be at peace with our behaviors–the things we have done in our lives, the things we may still be doing, the hurt we have caused to ourselves and others. Futhermore, we may be dissatisfed with our circumstances–our career situations, and our relationships.
I get it. It’s not always easy to like yourself. But, when did “being yourself” become such a taboo? Who decreed that we must be in constant competition with one another? So often, I feel as if my life is lost in trying to “conform” to societal norms better than everyone else. Sure, society thinks that helping people is great, but I want to be better than you at making other people feel better. HUH?!?!
And so commences, the dangerously fickle competition.
What if you could love yourself, exactly as you are? Without changing even one thing?
What is holding you back from doing that?
If you really trace it back, it is not the thing you’re bent on changing about yourself. Those muscular quads, the pimples, receding hairlines, odd-shaped noses, the “fat rolls”–these are not the things that are TRULY holding you back. What is, however, holding you back is the self-defeating BELIEF that YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT to be LOVABLE, HAPPY and OKAY.
You don’t.
You can be comfortable with who you are, even if you have imperfections. And even more so, other people can be happy with you too, despite your various imperfections! We are all imperfect. We are all insecure about one thing or the other. Though we may struggle differently, we struggle nonetheless. We know what it feels like to be ashamed, scared of judgement, unhappy, dissatisfied and isolated. Whether we want to be or not, we are connected with one another.
I want us to ACCEPT ourselves exactly as we are. Will you do something with me? Will you aid me in putting a hiatus in the endless cycle of panicked “fixing” “picking” “prodding” “calculating”?
“I love and accept myself exactly as I am, and in doing so, I accept the world and other people exactly as they are.”
Repeat that to yourself, as many times as necessary. Repeat it, even if you don’t believe it yet.
Accept it. You’ve got a lumpy tummy, a big nose, horrible acne, noticeable hyperpigmentation, panic attacks, a stress disorder, a mental illness, a physical illness, thighs that touch, clothes that don’t fit, a list of people you’ve hurt, things that you regret. Accept all of it.
Accept it. And, now, stop looking at it.
It is really the looking, relooking, and oh–that one more look that is killing you. Hush. End it. It is there. Yes, you have an odd-shaped nose. Yes, you are overweight. Yes, your face has pimples. Yes, you really did let that partner get away. Recognize it. See it. And let it be. It is there.
Chances are, it is still going to be there the next 50 times you check too. In conducting this neverending recalculating, looking, remeasuring, and re-analyzing, we all inadvertently MAGNIFY our imperfections and insecurities. Some of us magnify them to the point that when we look in the mirrors that is ALL we see. And, we begin to fearfully fret that THAT is all others see too.
It’s okay. Let them see it.
Accept it all.
It is there.
Let it BE.
And, shift your focus to something else.
By accepting and letting things “be”, you are releasing the WORRY associated with your imperfections, not the imperfection itself. It is all okay. You are not going to become a lazy slug and not get anything done. You are not going to turn into a failing student because you’ve “accepted” that your grades are a certain way. You are not going to gain 300 lbs overnight because you’ve “accepted” that you are currently overweight. You are not going to end up in a mental asylum because you’ve “accepted” that you are currently suffering from clinical depression.
KNOW and BELIEVE that you are going to work from this place. “Rock bottom” is going to become a SOLID and DURABLE foundation to build the rest of your beautiful life upon. You are not going to slip into mediocrity. You don’t have to be uncomfortable with who you are to improve on the person you want to be! Contrary to popular belief, those things are not mutually exclusive. They CAN and DO work together. You CAN be comfortable with what you have, while working towards something better.
You are freaking awesome, but you are going to keep becoming even more awesome-er with each passing day!
God I have so much shame. I am ugly, disgusting, bad, and dirty. I am worthless. I wish I had nothing to do with me. How is it that I am the creator and receptor of all my hate, mistrust and anger! I feel doomed by myself. God! I cannot believe that I am stuck with me forever. This must be what hell feels like. My permanent doom lies in the fact that I’m destined to share residence with this awful, disgusting repellant of my being.
– An old journal entry of mine
Well, there is some truth to the above passage.
Yes. This is exactly what hell feels like.
Ever feel absolutely disgusted with yourself, and then even more repelled by your own thoughts about yourself? Me too.
I want us to go visit that dark, demeaning place of self-hate again. I’m hoping that if we go back together, it won’t be as scary. So will you take my hand, so I won’t be so alone?
Are you ready? 1-2-3-JUMP.
God. I’m burning in this inferno!!! It feels like a million nails are peeling away my burning skin over and over again. Let’s hurry past this layer! I want to go deeper—beyond the self-loathing, because the nauseating abhorrence we feel is actually an illusion. It is a disguise. It is masking the intensely painful feelings of shame and fear that, so often, take over my life–that take over your life.
Oh god. I thought that burning wrathful inferno was the worst zone, but this–god, this is far more painful. Why is there so much darkness? I feel so empty in this desolate, lonely, and ominously silent substratum. I’m absolutely frightened. I’m so thankful that you are by my side.
What is this place? Welcome to fear.
We all set these never-ending goals for ourselves—“if I am able to do this by this date and within this time frame, then, and only then, will I be successful. Then, and only then will I love, and accept myself.” I must be __________________ (fill in the blank). I must be a successfully certified counselor; I must get all A’s this semester; I must eat 800 calories a day; I must lose this amount of weight in 3 weeks; I must be able to graduate medical school at the top of my class; My thighs must not touch; I must friends with the “popular” kids; I must be able to speak in public without getting nervous. I must be able to wrestle with a shark in the deepest part of the ocean, while I’m drowning, and still WIN. Might as well add that one on the list, right?
We put so much pressure on ourselves, and then, we wonder why we feel overworked, exhausted, and overwhelmed. And the most confusing part of all? We still don’t see results. “Wait, wait, wait. So why the heck are we not achieving our goals even though we are working so damn hard!?”
When we don’t “reach” our goals, we swiftly move onto more planning, goal-setting– more calculating. We take out our whips and try to beat some motivation into ourselves—hoping, that this time, it will be different. Yes, yes. This time we will finally get what we desire.
“I’m gonna make it, because this time, I will accept no failure!” we assertively swear to ourselves!
How motivating.
In actuality, what’s happening, there, is a foolproof, surefire way to get yourself to fail, yet again. Seriously, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been through that cycle. I’m guessing a lot of you have too.
As we cruelly “goal-set”, we simultaneously give ourselves a debilitating subconscious message: “you MUST do this, and if you don’t do it, YOU are a FAILURE.”
Can you imagine trying to operate under such an overbearing presence? We place crippling, paralyzing pressure on ourselves; we try to cheat ourselves out self-love.
“Shut up, Maham! Nobody’s got time to sit in a cave and work on cultivating self-love. Okay? I have stuff to do. Don’t you get it? I have to lose this weight before my wedding/before summer/before the world ends.”
I hear you. So, we return to our least favorite, but oh-so-familiar statement.
I will love myself when_________
Don’t you see, my sweet friend? We are all stuck in trying to accomplish our life goals in reverse order! And, it never works out. You know this. You’ve experienced this. It’s like trying to build a skyscraper, without taking the time to establish a proper and durable foundation. Would you like to test climb that building? Yeah, me neither.
So, we whip ourselves into getting back up, and we try again—only to fall harder and further this time. “OMG! I AM SUCH A FAILURE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? All these other people can accomplish the same thing in 0.00002 minutes and I haven’t been able to do it in a freaking year!”
We are back in that familiar raging inferno of self-hate. Hey, at least it’s better than that dark fearful layer under it right?
Sweetheart, you’ll be back there again too. It’s a vicious cycle.
We don’t see results that we want–>we panic–> so we put even more pressure on ourselves–> which leads us to fail harder–>the results are still nowhere to be seen.
How’s that working out for you?
I’m not mocking you, or looking down on you in any way. I’m not even asking you to become “less uncomfortable” with where you’re at. I know where you’re at; it is really hard. It is gruelingly painful. It may be sucking the very “life” out of your life. I understand because I’ve been there too; I know shame like the back of my hand. I know what it feels like to be in a place where you’re unable to give or receive love; it is impossible to believe people when they say nice things about you because you are so isolated and ashamed.
What if we try something different? What if we attempt to operate from a place of loving and positive motivation? What if, instead of brutally bludgeoning ourselves for everything we “do wrong”, we make a commitment to appreciate, and pat ourselves on the back for “the few things” we do “right?”
Will that lead to a better chance for success? Will that cause less suffering for you? And for others? I can’t answer those questions for you. I guess you’ll just have to see. I can tell you, however, that trying this changed my life.
Are you willing to give this a chance?
ACTIVITY: Think of a goal that you haven’t been able to achieve because you’ve been trapped in the self-hating and fearful cycle we just talked about. Got it? Okay. Now, I want you to commit to writing down 5 things you do “right”, in terms of achieving that goal, every single day. It does not matter how small or big those things are; all that matters is that you physically record them on a sheet of paper, or on a computer. Do this for 10 days and comment below to tell me about your experience ❤
Ever walked into the middle of a movie—no clue as to what was happening prior to you seeing it. Why is that guy trying to kill the other one? Who is she, and why is she carrying a baby alligator around? Huh?
Our very existence is like watching a movie from the middle. We woke up in this world one day, with no recollection of where we were before—no recollection of where we came from, how we got here, and why we’re here.
If we’re lucky, we awoke to two “somewhat functioning” adults holding us, and helping us. And perhaps along the way, they decided to bring some other equally confused little aliens into this world. We begin to call these people “family.” Who are they? And why does it seem like they have our whole lives planned before we even can form our first words?
“What am I doing here?” Slowly, we begin to learn how to produce certain sounds that we associate with abstract objects—we call this language. We begin to communicate about things that are happening; in fact, we become so well-versed, that, some of us begin to spin poetic metaphors and literary allusions into masterpieces, which serve to capture the essence of this confounding life. These will be known as our greatest writers.
However, no matter how many literary tactics we employ to mystify and obscure the concept of human existence, we cannot, with full certainty, pinpoint the answer to the ultimate question: why are we here?
Some of us decide to gain some certainty through pulling on teachings of age-old religions, and others simply turn to testaments of our own experiences. Regardless of where we find our illusion of “certainty”, the inherent perplexity of human existence remains glaring.
As a therapist-in-training, I have some awareness of the unfortunate prevalence of addictions in our world. Yes there are the evident ones such as alcoholism, eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-harm. But then, there are also those faint addictions—the addictions that tend to get “normalized”, as they are more accepted by society. These are the addictions to other people, the addiction to things, the addiction to abstract concepts such as success and accomplishment.
I would go as far as saying that, to some degree, every single one of us is an addict. Workaholics, workoutaholics, codependents, hoarders, sex addicts, money addicts. We become addicted to our partners, to our children, to “best friends.” That’s not the end of it. Some of us suffer from addictions that are intangible—we become addicted to attaining fame, beauty, success.
Why is human existence marked with coming in and out of different addictions? I truly and wholeheartedly believe that it is because our very existence has been out of control. All the preceding addictions are mechanisms that we use to deal with the lack of control we had in our very own existence. No entity asked for my permission before I was born. I don’t recall me signing a document instating my birth. Out of the millions of choices, why did that specific sperm have to fertilize that specific egg to create ME?
This brings me to the point of this blog: CHOICES.
They are beautiful burdensome trinkets. Regardless of circumstances, everything comes down to choice. They say “10% of what happens to you is life, and 90% is how you choose to deal with it.” I am in complete agreement with that statement. The world could be crumbling outside, but I will possess have a choice in how to react to it. Every single thing comes down to choice. “Not making a choice” is also a choice.
Let me tell you about an interesting experience. 19 years into my life, I realized that I had not yet made the active choice to live. HUH? I had become a passive bystander in my life—just letting life do whatever it wanted. “The greatest choice you will ever make is the one to live. Most people simply just exist.” And that’s exactly what it came down to.
It wasn’t so much that I “gave up” on life, as “giving up”, in itself, is an active choice. It was more like I had, simply, chosen not to choose when it came to matters of my own being. I didn’t wake up and DECIDE to be happy. Instead, I let the day’s events dictate whether or not I would feel happy. It was as if, i was (and still am (to some extent)), a leaf that was just blowing around in the wind—untethered to a stable source. For 19 years, I remained unanchored to the robust, secure tree of personal choice. Circumstances dictated my mood, my self-worth, my ambition, my energy—my life.
For 19 whole years. I didn’t even once affirm “regardless of what this day brings, I choose to act in a manner that increases inner peace and happiness.”
And then, I met my husband.
Needless to say, he found me scattered at my most vulnerable, confused state of being. In a lot ways, I was undergoing an identity crisis. “Which parts of my life are truly “mine”? I questioned “Which parts are the ones that I actually chose?”
I never did find the answers to those questions. I stopped looking for them. Instead, I made the very first choice I consciously remember making.
I chose him. I chose my husband.
It’s ironic because our marriage was arranged in nature. I remember the day I chose as clearly as if it were yesterday. I remember, sitting in my blue summer dress, on the sidewalk, barefooted. My husband and his family had just left my house, after seeing me for the very first time. I was 19. I was frightened, uncertain, unprepared, shaking.
A picture of me in my blue dress FROM that very day
I liked him. It felt right. I think. Maybe? What if it isn’t right? What if he’s not the one? What if this is going to be the biggest mistake of my life? Oh my goodness, it is isn’t it? I will regret this forever. Don’t do it. Do it. Don’t do it. Do it.
My dashing thoughts were rudely interrupted by the chirping of a bird. Annoyed, I snapped back to glare at him. And there he was–eating some seeds off the middle of the road, completely at ease, unaware of his agitating chirps. In the distance, I heard a car approaching–it came closer. Closer. Closer.
My heart jumped into my throat as I fretted fearfully for the bird’s life. “WHY ISN’T IT FLYING AWAY!? Is it DEAF!?” I winced, as the car came within touching distance of the bird, and boom. There he went. He flew towards the sky. A few moments after the car passed, the bird swiftly returned to the ground and began picking at his seeds, completely at ease–completely unaware that his life had just been in danger.
I exhaled loudly and stared with wonder and perplexity at this seemingly “unintelligent” creature. And, as it’s beady black eyes met mine, a bizarre thought crossed my mind. “What if I’M the unintelligent creature?”
As human beings, we spend all day and night fretting about what could go wrong. We approach every scenario as if it is one of life and death. For some of us, it is. Many of us are truly brought to “life or death” circumstances, in which we’re spared right at the nick of time. However, so few of us ever focus on the fact that we were spared. WE ARE ALIVE. Instead, we stay inside, worried, afraid to ever go back out “on the road” because we are afraid of the next car that will drive by.
I remember laughing at my fearful thoughts regarding the encounter, and I clearly recall looking up to the sun gently setting in the sky. “In this moment, I CHOOSE to be with this man!” I declared assertively, hoping to convince any higher power that may have resided up there.
I wasn’t going to let life happen to me. In that moment, I chose my husband, and in choosing him, I took an oath to doing all that I could do to make it work. I took an oath to not giving up when things got hard, and above all, I took an oath to go into the marriage FEARLESSLY.
This brings us back to the familiar concept of fear. So many of you may question things that I have questioned before Should I even “fight” for my life? Am I worth fighting for? Do I want to take charge of my life? “Um. Maham. Duh. Shut up. OF course.” These may be answers that seem simple and easy on the surface, but how many of us can honestly say “yes” to them in a manner that is as fierce as a racehorse running, full throttle, out of the starting gate?
Oh honey! Courage is not the absence of fear. It is simply the presence of something MORE powerful than fear. So, the horse passionately runs. It does what it would naturally do, no knowledge of what comes next; he courageously gallops out of the gate, no preoccupation with what’s ahead. He does what he loves to do.
My sweet friend, this is about life being ahead of you, and you making the choice to run towards it courageously! Will you do something for me?
I want for you to figure out what you desire—it could be anything, big or small. Figure it out. Verbalize it. Write it out, and declare your intention to the universe, as I did 4 beautiful years ago.
And now, think of the racehorse. There is no going back. You can only move forwards. Just RUN towards what you want fearlessly—no doubts, no preoccupation with what could go wrong, no energy wasted in thinking about “how hard it’s going to be” or “how long its going to take.” Nobody ever accomplished anything by fretting about how “impossible” it was going to be. You’ve done harder things, and the time will pass anyway. Just run. Run towards it, with arms wide open, and a heart brimming with excitement! Get ready to catch your dream, because, the entire universe and it’s cosmos is running back, towards YOU—the world is so excited for you two to finally meet. Your dream is not a separate entity from you. It was yours. It is yours. It has always been yours.
Believe it or not, it wasn’t till relatively recently, that I began to develop close relationships with my female counterparts. For most of my life, I have had little to no close female-friends. I suppose it was because the vicious threads of jealousy, competition and hurtful gossip fueled my apprehension in engaging with the most beautiful, majestic creatures that have ever lived on this planet. That’s right. I’m talking about you, girls.
Before I speak about my loving admiration for womanhood, let me first address one of my favorite concepts in the history of EVER. You may be familiar with the “yin-yang” symbol that became nascent in ancient Eastern philosophy.
The concept asserts that the world maintains a state of balance–or homeostasis–through equal and opposite forces. For night there is day, for winter there is summer, for man, there is woman. On the surface, it is easy to look at these two forces as antagonistic. It may seem as if they are working against each other in an attempt to cancel one another out. However, if you look a little more closely, you’ll find that is not the case at all. Life is consistently wobbling upon the pulls of complementary forces. These serve to balance, instead of cancel the effects of the other. They work together, in perfect, synchronized harmony. How does this all relate to my overflowing love for women?
So many of the problems we face in our contemporary world are a result of an unbalanced feminine:masculine power schema. Globally speaking, there is an eminent lack of kind, gentle, feminine energy to balance out the strong, assertive masculinity that’s running this world amuck. Countries have become engrossed in asserting power over one another via aggressive, oppressive, and often, violent means.
You know that the world has become a sad place to live in when “stop acting like a girl!” has become an insult. What is so wrong with being a girl? What is so wrong with FEELING, and being sensitive? Feeling is powerful. If more of us felt things for each other, and for the world, there would be a marked reduction in violent hurtful energy that are so evident today. As women, we feel things. We are nurturing, caring, loving creatures. This does not make us stronger or weaker than males; it simply means that we are differently powerful. Like the yin-yang concept dictates, we are complementary powers–equal and opposite in magnitude; when we are in “perfect” union, our forces contribute to the serene harmonious balance that is otherwise, so common to nature.
Being a girl is AWESOME! I can’t even verbalize how deeply loved and supported I feel by my female friends and followers. Womanhood is such a relentless force to be reckoned with. It is so immensely powerful in the gentlest of ways. We have so much strength and influence over one another. Just like us girls can tear one another down, if we allow ourselves be true to our core, we can empower and heal one another like NOTHING AND NOBODY else. We can provide for one another the love, support, and friendship that NO MAN has the capability of EVER giving us. Together, we can form an indomitable sisterhood.
My sweet sisters, my beautiful other halves– your kind beautiful compassionate words and gestures feel like cool pitter patter of rain drops all over my heart. You are downright remarkable. There is no other way of saying it. I am so continually inspired by you and you and you and you. I feel so blessed to know such profound greatness. The nurturing tenderness, love and compassion you exude into the world are nothing sort of revolutionary. You give so much more than you ever take, my selfless goddess. You walk on this earth with the such gentle grace–never stomping on the ground because you FEEL. You feel that you are connected to it, and it to you. Your undeniable presence is so magnetic and charismatic, drawing in those who don’t know you yet. You walk around with that cute little side-smile because you KNOW. You’ve discovered the most sought after truth! You know why we are here, on this earth. You know, because you, my love, are the very definition of why we’re here– altruism.
Don’t sell yourself short. You are the reason God has not given up in the world yet.
So, here’s to those of us who get our hearts broken by the slightest of winds–to those of us who let happiness take our spirits past the highest heavens. Here’s to those of us who, despite all the adversity, wake up each day with the same childlike hopeful attitude towards the world. Society may try to convince us that we are “weak” or “stupid”, or my ever-favorite: “naive”, but we know the tremendous courage that comes from CHOOSING not to let the world make you hard. Here’s to all of us who never had enough “commonsense” to give up, once and for all, after each consecutive fall. Here’s to those of us who over-think and overanalyze, to those who FEEL intensely and immensely. Because at the end of the day, we are the ones who are ALIVE amongst a sea of people who have passively chosen to exist.
My kindhearted, soul sisters, will you join in me in my journey?
If we help one another achieve our potential, we are inevitably going to leave the most honest and kind footprint on Earth’s journey.
There is a slight catch, however.
In order to help others tap into and utilize their potential, we need to gain greater accessibility to our own. This can only be attained through spending dedicated time with ourselves. We must have courage to look within. We must observe and get deeply intimate with our truest selves by means of the most raw, unrefined honesty. Only then, can we begin to help eachother in fulfilling the greater altruisitic unifying purpose. We are all stuck in trying to change the world, but what if to change the world, we must begin by changing ourselves?
My lovely lioness, you must spend time getting to know the immortal, enlightened truth within you. You must discover, and rejoice in the beauty is so inherent to your very being.
That is the only way.
We must be our own before we can ever be another’s. We must cultivate the capacity to love ourselves so wholly and so deeply. That is the only way we will be able to extend the same boundless love to this much-needing world. Our purpose is far too great to waste any more precious time in forsaking, hating, and disassociating from ourselves and each other.In a world full of uncertainty, there is one thing that I know for sure. I wholeheartedly promise you that we are absolutely magical.
Yeah. Yeah. We hear it all the time. A part of us may even register that when we get down to the literal aspect of things, we really are all we have. We are the ones who inhale the oxygen, break down food into usable energy, and use water to sustain our literal lives.
Let’s change one word in the above mentioned statement.
How about “you’re all you NEED”?
Like me, some of you may agree with that statement. I mean, I KNOW that it’s true. I think most of us do. But, how many of us can say that we truly, without a doubt, BELIEVE that we are all we need?– that we possess all the resources, connections, and tools we need to, not just, survive but to create a fulfilling and meaningful life?
Do you believe it? Would you like to believe it?
How ironic is it that in the most significant moments of our lives, we are alone? When we come out of our mothers womb, we are alone. When we are faced with death, we are alone. We came into this world with no one, and we will leave with no one.
What if we truly are strong enough to deal with life? And not just deal with it–but really mold a colorful, and beautiful one?
I think that if we truly believed that we are all we really need—that we are enough, there would be much less fear in the world. Violence, hatred, envy, harm—these are all sons and daughters of fear.
On a global level, fear has been masked as tyranny and terrorism. We only feel the need to oppress other beings because we feel threatened. We “need” to create a hierarchy so that we can establish that “I am stronger/higher/smarter/better than you.” But, why would we need to assert our control over others if we believed that we were enough, by ourselves?
On a more individual level, fear has refracted into countless rays: addictions, abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders. You name it. Why would we need to turn to alcohol, drugs, food, other people, and other things if we, 100%, believed that we were enough—that everything we needed to create a meaningful and satisfying life was already within us?
I really want us to think about that statement. What if all the things we have ever wanted and have been within us this since the day we were born? Entertain this thought with me, for a second.
If that was truly the case, the first change we would see within individuals, within families, and consequently, within the world would be a reduction in fear. There would be markedly less frantic, fearful, hasty energy demolishing Mother Earth.
Imagine how it would feel to really believe that… to believe that you are all you need. You are enough.
In fact, I want all of you to do something silly with me.
I want all of you to scream “hello”, loud inside your head. Let it ring inside of you.
“H-E-L-L-O-!”
Notice, that there are two different presences inside of you. There is a voice that bellowed “hello”, and there was a different presence that, simultaneously, heard the “hello.”
There was a voice that spoke, and there was a voice that listened.
So often, the only voice we hear is the loud one–the one that speaks, barks, criticizes, ridicules, judges. What about the other voice? The one that isn’t as charged? The one that resides in the deepest part of us, and simply observes.
I want to share something with you, girls. I wrote a letter for you. From you to you. From me to me.
I want for the wise voice within you that listens to say these words to the frightened, panicked voice that, so often, speaks.
I know. I hear you. I know it feels like the world is going to crumble sometimes. I’m hearing your panic. I’m hearing your voice. No one is ignoring you. I’m here. It is going to be okay. I know that a part of you is petrified. And, I so, wholeheartedly appreciate and honor that part. Look at how brilliantly resilient you are! Look at you throwing these resourceful solutions to me about turning to alcohol, or drugs, or food, or other addictions. I don’t hate you for saying those things. I don’t think you’re bad for saying them.
Instead, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for trying to protect me. I want to thank you for sensing that I’m scared, and I want to thank you for trying to resolve the fear in ways that we’ve previously dealt with it. But angel, I need you to hear me when I say that it’s safe. You are okay. You are going to be loved and accepted. You already are. You deserve to be cared for, to be loved, and valued. And I am here to take care of you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. Nothing you can/will do is going to make me turn away from you this time.
I realize that its going to take you a little bit of time to realize that I am here to stay. But I am no longer going to ignore you, or push you into the dark. I am not going to beat your bones till they are broken, or mentally annihilate you. You are and never were bad, wrong, or not enough. Deep down, I know that all you’ve ever wanted was to feel okay—to feel loved, accepted and cared for.
You want to feel like you have a home. You want to be accepted, understood, and valued for just being you, at this moment in time—no expectations, no strings attached. There will be no more: “I love you when’s…” You are enough, now. And no matter how scary that is, I want you to know that I am working on accepting and loving you the way you desire.
I am making the choice to take care of you, and to honor you. You may not have received that essential love, approval, and value when you were only a child. But you grew up. I grew up. A part of me is capable of helping you now—for giving you all that you have ever wanted.
I’ll need your help. Will you help me, sweetheart?
I’m not asking for you to discard your fears, or your concerns about being alone. Being isolated, alone, and abandoned are really scary things. I am not asking you to throw away your apprehensions, because I know that this situation is unfamiliar. For so long, I have pushed you away; this fearful relationship between us is what has kept us functioning. This is how you survived. This is how WE survived. But I am imploring with you to allow me to reach out to you now. I’m asking your permission to let me in.
I am not your best friend who betrayed you. I am not your mother who abused you. I am not the boyfriend who cheated on you. I am none of those people that hurt you in the past. I know that I may have pushed you away, but I want you to know that it was NEVER because I wanted to hurt you. It was never because I thought not you were bad, unworthy or unlovable. It was and has always been about me being scared too. I pushed you away because the intensity with which you need me scares me.
I don’t know how to handle the loneliness you feel. I am afraid that I won’t be able to be enough for you—that I’ll fail you.
I know it’s a risk. It’s a really scary thought to think that, together, we can make it. But if you give me a chance, I am willing to understand and try to be what you need. I will not let you down. I will fight for you.
I’m here now, telling you that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live wholly and fully. I realize that you’re scared to hope, because a lot has been taken away from you. It’s been really hard. You’ve had to shut off so many parts of yourself to make it this far.
I’m so thankful to you for allowing me to feel your pain. I honor your apprehension but I see the immense courage that you already have. I’m so amazed at your strength. Your will to survive, and to be heard is incomparably astounding. You never gave up. You may have tried to feel loved, accepted, and cared for in really bizarre and maladaptive ways, but you never gave up. I am so thankful to you for not giving up despite what other people said, or what circumstances brought.
I am most thankful, however, that you did not give up on being heard, despite how cruel I was to you. I know that I am not perfect, but I am willing to try. I am here to tell you that I am willing to try to accept you, to love you, and to show you, that together, we are enough. We are all we’ve got, and we are all we need.
Perfect. So, we’ve got what “vision” means. A vision board is a collage, on which you pin quotes/pictures that remind you of your own vision–of your own goals and ideals that you aspire towards. Optimally, the board should be hung up in a place where you can see it everyday, so that you’re consistently reminded of the extraordinariness that you are destined for. ❤
One of my visions is to feel happiness–to live a life that is so beautifully lavished with gifts of joy, gentleness, and love. So, today, I wanted to share some pictures from my “happiness” vision board with all of you 🙂
Yayyy! I’m smiling as I write this because I’m imagining all of you smiling as you read this. Let’s smile together. Okay. Ready. Set. Go. SMILEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
See how connected we were in that moment? YAY! Before, I share my pictures with you, I wanted to let you know something interesting; when I ventured out to create my board, the only pictures I chose were those that my heart responded to first (prior to any mental registration). I chose pictures that made my heart tingle with absolutely no mental explanation as to why. ❤
❤ go find pictures that make you happy, and look at them every single day!
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
In our society, there are far too many ludicrous “old-wives tales” and burdensome stereotypes about pregnancy. One such implicates pregnancy to be a time in which expectant women are only allowed to burst with love for the miraculous gift of life they are growing; 
abidmaham 