02/24/2016

Ah! I missed a few days of the gratitude practice. But it’s okay! Missing these days has reminded me to rediscover the  value in imperfection! Simultaneously, however, I am grateful for the ability to pick up right where I left off. All in all, missing two days was a very humbling experience. It reminded me that I am imperfect. It’s quite easy to get caught up in the trap of “perfection” and feel like we must upkeep routines to-a-tee; we metamorphose into dictators making sure we are relentless in abiding to the routines we create. Consequently, disruptions to our plans, and the inability to carry them out perfectly is a very sobering reminder; perfection is a trait that is unattainable in the human state. This means that I will mess up. I will fall short; I will not be able to be 100%. This is okay, and is in perfect alignment with the nature of how I was created. It is this very imperfection within me that creates the necessary space for God to enter. It is this “falling short” that encourages me to fall back on Him. It is my limited scope that encourages me to search for something Greater. So, I am grateful for the elucidation of my own imperfection.

Today, I’m grateful for the words of author, Matt Fitzgerald. In his book, “How Bad Do You Want It?”, he describes the relationship between endurance, mind and body. Through studying the literature, he found that it is not actual muscle fatigue that slows down athletes or causes them to quit in an event; it is actually the mind. The breakdown of motivation occurs in the brain, not muscle. The experience of fatigue/burn-out does not come about as a result of pushing the body to limits of exhaustion. In fact, extensive testing has demonstrated that athletes who claim fatigue can almost always do more at the muscular level. So why did they stop?

Because of the self-imposed limitations their minds created.

“Science has only recently recognized that endurance performance is fundamentally psychological. When we say someone has ‘endured something’, what do we mean? we mean that the person has gone through a challenging experience. . It’s the experience, not the biological fatigue that must be endured. Endurance athletes by definition endure. They endure long hours of training, deprivations that come with a monastic lifestyle, and all manners of aches and pains. But what endurance athletes must endure ABOVE ALL is not actual effort, but perception of effort. This is the phrase that scientists now use to refer to what athletes normally describe as how hard exercise feels in a given moment. And it represents the central concept of the psychobiological model of endurance performance. It was perceived effort that causes the endurance athlete to slow down and even quit. The most important truth you can know as an endurance at athlete is this: one cannot improve as an endurance athlete except by changing one’s relationship with perception of effort. Perceived effort is essentially the body’s resistance to the mind’s will. The fitter an athlete becomes, the less resistance the body puts up Even something as seemingly physical as training conforms to this principle.”

Matt Fitzgerald, “How Bad Do You Want It?” 

 

I’m particularly thankful for this excerpt. I really admired and resonated with his description of an endurance athlete. Endurance athletes are people who endure difficult things. If running, or working out during pregnancy was easy, then everyone would be doing it. There are certainly challenges in the path, for all of us. However, we can choose to become our version of endurance athletes, in whatever challenges we are facing. We can choose to face, bear, and cope with any change with grace and dignity. It was because of Fitzgerald’s description of an endurance athlete, combined with the discovery that the mind’s perception of effort is different than the actual exhaustion, that led me to muster up the courage to run outside again.To be completely raw, running outside has been a tough experience for me; it is the one area in which I am starting to see the glaring effects of pregnancy. Prior to me falling pregnant, running on concrete or asphalt felt relatively effortless; I was carrying less weight, and my muscles and body were able to handle the physiolgoical pressures quite effectively. Now, I easily get winded, feel tired, and am undeniably slower in my pace. As a result, running outside doesn’t “feel” as good as it used to; this causes me to shy away from the passion.

Today, however, I told myself that just because my brain doesn’t perceive it “as feeling  good” doesn’t mean that the experience is not actually just as good for me. Just because my brain readily perceives and accepts the “I can’t do it!” mentality doesn’t mean I actually won’t be able to do it. And so…just like that, I put on my running shoes and RAN outdoors. Every time self-limiting thoughts would arise in my run, I gently returned to the words of Matt Fitzgerald. “I’m not actually exhausted or fatigued at the muscular level,” I repeated to myself, “my mind’s perception of effort is skewed; In reality, I can keep going for much longer.” And I did.

In no way am I saying that the run today was glorious and fatigue-free. I felt winded; I felt tired; my muscles felt sore; I was slower. Running outside while I’m 6.5 months pregnant is certainly not as much of a breeze as it were pre-pregnancy. But you know what? I was able to do it! I was able to get out there and prove just what Fitzgerald was talking about. So many times, I would get a leg cramp or random ache and register it as: “exhaustion approaching—need to stop.” But really, as I kept running past that feeling, the perception of feeling it necessary to stop faltered away. I was able to keep going, proving that true exhaustion was far away. My protective mind was simply trying to convince me that I was exhausted in an attempt to conserve energy.

You guys, I’m so thankful that my brain is not always right. And above that, I’m grateful that you and I can choose to be endurance athletes in our own lives. Whether it be in sports or life challenges, we can choose to have the mindset and resilience of an endurance champion! I’m blessed that I have so many experiences in my memory bank that attest to the fact that I can endure really trying challenges–that I can endure. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. My mental limits are not my actual limits. Thank God for that!

02/25/2016

Today, I am so grateful for the encouragement and support I’ve been receiving from strangers for my fitness endeavors during pregnancy.

Really, never underestimate the value of a kind gesture. Sometimes, when I’m running outside and wearing a “baby on board” or “this girl is going to be a mommy” shirt, I’ll get random honks of encouragement; the people passing me by on the running trail will give me thumbs up signs and beaming smiles! Of course, this just results in me beaming a pearly right back! I’m truly grateful for these uplifting gestures; There’s also been people at the gym who have actually come up to me and vocalized how proud they are of my discipline and physical work ethic during pregnancy. It really is little things like that that leave my day a little more brighter! I’m immensely grateful for the support, but above that, I’m grateful for the ability to keep physically active during my pregnancy! I realize that it is a blessing and a gift that is not granted to all. Being able to move our bodies is a gift even outside of pregnancy! There’s many people who can’t walk to the mailbox to get their mail, much less go for a walk or run because of debilitating health issues.

On another note, I think I finally targeted why I’ve been feeling slightly under the weather for a few days! I’m thankful for this realization, because it allows me the opportunity to take action. My stomach has been very sensitive recently, and I think it is because of the spices and tomoato-based curries in Indian cuisine. When I’m living with my husband, I don’t eat too much Indian food but since visiting my family, I have definitely been consuming more spices! I think these spices, alongside the tomato-based curries are the culprit. So starting tomorrow, I think I’m going to return to basic, bland(ier) foods like alkaline fruits, egg whites, vegetables and complex carbs. I’m hopeful that this shift will allow my upset stomach to settle down! We’ll see! *Check Back: IT DID HELP!*

You know what I’m really grateful for? Recently, I feel like I’ve had this shift in attitude when it comes to doing demanding tasks. If there’s an undesirable task that I simply don’t feel like doing, I realize that I can still do it. My ability to conduct the task is irrelevant on my feelings towards it! I’ve realized that a cooperative mind is beneficial but NOT necessary in doing tough things! The mind is simply ONE part of the mind-body-spirit trifecta. The body and spirit don’t really care if the mind is motivated, the results are the same with or without its endless chatter. Sure, when it’s bursting with supportive, positive, and encouraging energy, it certainly makes the task feel easier. But the raw completion of the task is not entirely dependent on it. THANK GOD! Recently, when my brain puts up resistance to certain tasks, I’ve been repeating the following phrase: “sweet mind, it would be nice for you to show up, but it’s not required.” Then, I’ll do the task anyway! And you know what? So far, it’s gotten done 100% of the times, with or without the mental motivation. I’m truly grateful for this little pearl of knowledge; I know I will be able to utilize it endlessly in the future!

I’m also really thankful for being able to see little baby daughter today. I had an ultrasound done (perks of having a radiologist as a dad!) Oh,and seeing her was marvelous. She was beautiful. My sweet girl with her long legs, hiccups and her silly antics. Do you want to know something funny? The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted any pictures of her, and the only picture I requested was of her ankles and legs. Do you know why? For the last few ultrasounds, we have always found her slightly crossed at the ankles while the rest of her legs remain slightly open. Faraz, my husband, always holds his legs that way!!! It makes me giggle when I see her like that persistently! Like father, like daughter.

My sweet baby girl is so beautiful to me; I love her so much already. Her expressive little kicks, and  delicious little movements make my heart so full. I love that she makes her existence known. This quote by Paul Eluard really captures how I feel about my lovely daughter. Every time I see her or feel her subtly kick, I remember this.

And mommy will always be listening for you, my love.

02/26/2016

I woke up in quite a vulnerable mood today. Again, vulnerability is not necessarily a “bad” emotion. It’s just that I feel highly connected today; I feel as if I’m intricately in tune to the frequencies within me and around me. I do have to say, however, there is an undeniable tinge of sadness to the emotion of vulnerability. It’s not even so much grief, or lethargy, but more sensitivity—an ability to hurt with the world. I’m highly feely today. There is an undeniable softness that accompanies vulnerability; it has to. It would be impossible to have a iron-clad interior and simultaneously be able to connect with others. So, I’m thankful for this vulnerability. It reminds me of our very fragile human condition; it reminds me of the inherent vulnerability of our very existence. We are always in the process of letting go, and losing certain aspects of our lives. As we grow, we consistently shed layers of ourselves to accumulate new and improved versions of ourselves. We continue to this process till we eventually come to pass. There is a tinge of sadness to this inevitability, right?

Today, I’m actually really grateful for something good that happened yesterday night. The reason I am talking about it today is because the good vibes created from that experience are seeping into today (aA). Everytime I return home, my sister and I will have a pampering session. We grab our favorite bath balms from Lush, fill up the tub with soothing hot water, put on our swim suits, and just lay on each end of the tub, and talk about everything in between life and death. Today, we put the intergalactic bath balm in the water and watched in wonder, like little kids, as it burst into a peacock-colored glittery frenzy in the water! Ah. It was pure joy.

As we sat in our glittering goddess bath tub, we laughed till our stomachs hurt— about how random teas from Starbucks remind us of the smell of our cats! We discussed the things that we are afraid of losing in life, and how we are coping with the changes that are coming along. We added to our collection of cat memes, discussed the most ridiculous child raising strategies, listened to our favorite songs, (with our own renditions of it of course) MERSALICIOUS lol. but most of all—we thanked each other as we arrived to the same familiar conclusion. Once more, we come to the humbling realization that we are so blessed in our sisterhood bond. There are so many sisters who don’t get along—who have their relationships tinged with the bitterness of jealousy, competition and comparison. But aA, by God’s grace, we were spared from that trial. No matter how long it has been since I’ve seen her, every time we get together, we end up acknowledging how special our bond is, in so many words. I know that it is the one thing that we both want to withstand the test of time. Alhamdullilah for the best sister. She is my best friend!

Today, I also want to discuss something that I feel is a delicately subtle blessing bestowed upon all of us—the blessing of choice.

I am so grateful for it. Regardless of whatever happens to us, we can choose how we react to it. Today, I was talking with two people about a similar catastrophe that befell them; their attitudes about their lives, the event, and its lingering effects couldn’t be more starkly different! One person was very lethargic, and looked upon her life with a jaded bitter regret. The other, however, seemed to have discovered greater meaning to her life through the suffering; she found purpose to it. She looked back upon it as a life lesson, a necessary stepping stone, claiming that the experience has made her into the wholehearted, happy-go-lucky person that she is today.

I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.

02/27/2016

😦 Sigh 😦

Today was…trying. This probably isn’t going to start off as an expected entry from a gratitude journal, but if you bear with me, I promise I’ll get around to the silver lining. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently; my husband and I are in the middle of a move; we have a daughter on the way; there’s been changes in my career path, my visiting back and forth between family and living with my husband; let’s not forget the plethora of changes pregnancy brings about. My body is changing; my ability to do/not do certain things is changing; my hormones are fluctuating. Everything seems to be at the whims of change.

I think the reality of these compounded changes really hit me today. I’m not even going to lie, I think I had a borderline anxiety attack. You know, certain things are never going to be the same again. Having a baby means that the thought “me and Faraz” will rarely cross my mind again. It will always always be my daughter, me and my husband. Things that have semed so effortless, like going to the gym, or going on late night grocery runs are going to have to undergo some creative adjustments; I mean, let’s be real…there’s only so much “spontaneity” you can have in your life, when you have to plan 15 minutes in advance to strap in a carseat, dress your tot for the temperature outside, and pack a bag for their unanticipated accidents.

Another thing that has been scaring me about being a mother is the essence of this experience; on a level, my daughter is going to be my replacement generation. And though she was a thoroughly planned, and long anticipated child, that truth is just scary to think about. Her coming highlights the fact we are no longer going to be the “kids” anymore. This realization really highlights the fact that we are aging, and that time seems to be flying away. I have an inkling that once she’s born, time is going to speed up even more. She will grow up right before my eyes, and before I know it, we’ll be planning for another baby, and then boom! I’m the soccer mom and Faraz is a little league coach. I wish there was a way to hit the pause button, and just process everything for a second.

The fact that we are moving into a bigger place in March is also layering on the change. You guys, we’re letting go of the apartment that we’ve had since the beginning of our marriage. That was mine and faraz’s first residence together. The place is full of remnants and memories of our earliest years; it was the place that witnessed the evolution of us fighting relentlessly with each other to fighting relentlessly to be with each other. There are countless memories at every nook and turn. To think that I won’t be able to walk back into a place I’ve called home for nearly half a decade blows my mind.

All in all, these changes are certainly inciting some fear in my restless spirit. I’m grateful, however, that there is always a flipside to the frightening aspects of the process; the other side of fear is excitement. This move, and the arrival of the baby characterizes an exciting, new times in my life. Yes, it will no longer be just me and Faraz, but perhaps, having another being to think about will be fulfilling and leave me wholehearted. I am so grateful for having five beautiful years of just me and my husband. I think that time gave us the opportunity to thoroughly get to know one another, not just as partners, but as people. We became acquainted with each other’s hopes and dreams, fears and aspirations; now, I find us in a place, where we foster a deep appreciation for the other person’s individual presence, not just their role as a partner.

It is also exciting to consider that we’re getting a bigger place that puts us in a better location to get to school/work more easily. I’m looking forward to building new memories there. I think, in retrospect, I’ll appreciate the move at this time, because it will mark the arrival of my daughter. Faraz & I created beautiful memories in the apartment together…just the two of us., However, this new place will become the canvas for painting new memories with the three of us…our daughter!

Times of change make me really grateful that “home” is a feeling and not a place. We can let go of the material things and still have the sensation of home. I’m utterly grateful that the sensation of belonging arises from the people, experiences and interactions we have in our life. “Home” is being embraced into my husband’s loving arms after a hard day. “Home” is seeing my cat’s fluffy orange tail twitch with excitement when he sees me. “Home” is the feeling I get when I dance around to “I like to move it, move it” with all the creatures of the house. “Home” is sprawling out on the ground, writing in diaries, with the aroma of vanilla-smelling candles filling up the room. Home is NOT a place. It is a feeling. And I’m so grateful that I am taking all the elements that help infuse that life and meaning into my world with me. My husband, my cats, and our memories will be left untouched.

Though I understand (and certainly feel) that change is scary, I’m really grateful that the changes we are undergoing are not ones that are catastrophic or traumatic. They are not changes brought upon by a natural disaster, an onset of a sudden illness, or the destruction of a dream. They take on the category of transitional changes, as opposed to catastrophic changes. This makes me so utterly grateful. I’m so happy we are all safe and sound; we are in good health, and that we are gifted with the BLESSING of a new addition to the family. These transitions are beautiful, necessary and normal in the process of life. I’m also very thankful that I get to hold onto my anchor, my husband, (and him, me) throughout these transitory changes. It’s like carrying around my blanket of stability, familiarity, and safety with me; the soothing effect of knowing that he will be there, and that my family and his family will be there is a truly comforting and cooling breeze over my restless heart.

Lastly, I am shockingly thankful for panic, and overwhelming anxiety. I know that while they are affecting me, I feel crippled, frozen and like I’m stuck and suffocating. But…if I practice adequate courage, and allow these feelings to move within me, they create space for acceptance and serenity. Despite the variability in stimuli that may trigger a fearful response, there is an undeniable predictability in accepting and letting these feelings move through us; once we do, we feel lighter, better, and more hopeful—even if our situations haven’t changed much. I’m grateful for this ability to regulate internal homeostasis; I’m grateful that I can choose to have my peace, regardless of what circumstance befalls me.

02/28/2016

I’m so grateful for loving parents. They could tell I had a rough day yesterday, and they’ve done everything in their power to make me feel better. And you know what? They’ve succeeded. Thank God for people that care about me so deeply—the people that know that when I push them away, all I’m really wanting is to see if they care enough to push back.

I’m grateful for the familiar sun rising, beautifully marking the opportunity for a new beginning. With the rise of the sun, I realize that yesterday is now gone and that today is an absolutely new day. I can make of it as I will. It was really symbolic because I awoke with the sun shining on my face, letting me know that lightness had returned; I am once more restored to a world full of endless possibilities.

This really makes me realize the mercy of God. You may think of Him as Jesus, Buddha, nature, the universal laws, or whatever higher power you believe in. (I just happen to call him “Allah”). I’m really thankful for His mercy. The fact that today, I am feeling so much better than I was yesterday really highlights the fact that suffering is not uninterrupted. The course of one day, or even one hour does not accurately predict the course of the next day or the next hour. Things can turn up; there is always some element of “good” even in the worst days. For example, everything could be going array in a day but simply entering a store, being welcomed by a gust of cool air-conditioned air on a scalding hot day is something miniscule and “good”. day It makes it to where there is an undeniable interruption in the “badness” of events. I’m so thankful for this. Suffering never comes to us in an UNINTERRUPTED, continuous manner. Whether it be a colorful bird flying by, the sun shining on cold toes, a smile from a stranger, a convenient vacant parking space, or a warm bed to sleep in—there is always a “feel-good” interruption. I interpret the presence of these little miracles as extensions of mercy from God.

I’m also really thankful for the body’s ability to adapt. Today, I went into the gym and every part of me felt so sore from my strength training workout from Friday. They say that oftentimes, a cardiovascular workout is just what you need to get sore muscles feeling better. As I got on the elliptical, no part of me wanted to move; however, as the workout progressed, my muscles began to feel better! I think the improved circulation helped move along the accumulated lactic acid, my legs started to feel less sore. I’m really grateful for this and for the human body’s ability to adapt. I know I often gripe about change, but in small moments like this, I realize how utterly grateful I am that things don’t remain the same. I’m truly grateful for change. Without it, we would become stagnant, dry, and brittle; at its essence, we would be dead. And I don’t want to be dead while I’m alive. For as long as I live, I want to exude vivacious life energy.

❤