Tag Archives: selfesteem

Why am I not getting results?

October 15, 2014 mahamabidtalent 5 Comments

Are you frustrated because you’re still not seeing results?

Well, take a read of my 20 top reasons you may not be seeing results.

1. Unclear goals. I believe that this is the number one reason people fail to see “results.” The way the human body works is quite simple–it adapts. It will make necessary changes and adjustments in its own physiology to better adapt to whatever stresses are being placed on it. In our case, the added stress is related to how/when/how often we are training. Often times, we do a bunch of different things, in no particular order or time and expect the body to respond in a specific way. Randomness is never going to lead to a specific outcome. So my #1 tip is to figure things out. What do you want? What type of body type do you desire? Are your goals to gain strength, gain muscle, lose muscle, loss fat, etc? Once you’ve established clear cut goals, do some research on it. What types of exercises do you need to do? How often? At what rate do you add a greater load your workouts?

Now, I want to tell you guys something really exciting. Eeep are you ready?

This blog post is only the first one in a SERIES of blog posts to come. So what are my next blog posts going to be about? In light of the fact that I think most people do not get the results they desire DUE to unclear goals, my next THREE blog posts are going to be a series of tips pertaining to three distinct fitness goals

Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
Tips to lose weight and excess bulk

ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS THE CAT?!?! Me too!!! ❤ giggles.

2. Misinformed post workout nutrition: you may not be eating at the proper time or the proper foods for your goals. For example, if your goal is to increase muscle tone and definition, it is a good idea for you to fuel up on an isolate protein snack within 30 minutes of a weight lifting session. On the contrary, if your goal is to lose excess bulk or muscle (ie; bulky quads), you should be avoiding ALL food at least forty five minutes after a moderate intensity cardio workout. This way the body is able to utilize the glycogen stores and then, and only THEN begin to burn through some of the excess muscle storage. More information about appropriate post workout nutrition in relation to your fitness goals will be posted in proceeding blogs.

3. You are overtraining the muscle you want to see shrink. This is a close #2 mistake I see women making. Numerous research has shown that even though women do not get as “bulky” as men, their lower body is more responsive to hypertrophy than any other part. This means that some of us may end up with bulkier legs than we prefer. When this happens, so many of us run to the cardio machines (stair master, elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike etc) in an attempt to burn more calories so we can lose muscle. In theory, this may work. However, what most girls forget is the “use it or lose it rule.” Intense forms of cardio are STILL working your leg muscles. If you are doing cardio everyday, you run the risk of overtraining the very muscle you want to see shrink. “Use it or lose it” applies everywhere. Train the muscles you want to see definition in to fatigue (for me this is arms, and abs). I steer away from training my legs to fatigue as I do not want the bulkier aesthetic for myself.

4. Not drinking enough water! This may be causing you to eat more, and retain more water.

5. Doing too much of the same thing: If you do what you have always done, you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten. That Robbins was a smart cookie, eh? A lot of issues can come up in your training if you continue to do the same sort of excercise day in and day out. First, your muscles will adapt to the load and therefore, it will be much harder for you to attain a “good workout” (I mean “good” in terms of effectiveness). Lessened variety of excercises within your regimen will force hypertrophy (growth) of certain muscles and ignore other muscle groups. This means that you may have more definition in one area (the area you are training), while completely lacking definition in other areas (the areas you are ignoring). Please include cross-training in your regimen. It has saved my world. Seriously. Please. Do it!

6. Nor resting enough: the next few reasons are going to come from the same basic background: that you are putting your body under a ton of stress. When your body feels excessive physiological stress, it begins to produce higher levels of cortisol to allow conservatory metabolic changes to occur. When there is a sustained increase in cortisol levels, your body may start to hold onto food as fat stores. So where does rest come into play? Lack of adequate rest can elicit your body to begin elevating its levels of cortisol! So be careful and take a rest day. 🙂

7. Creating too large of a caloric deficit: you may be working out like crazy and may have simultaneously cut your calories a little too much. Though this will eventually lead to weight loss (I’m talking months, people), the primary reaction is going to be one of stress. In fact, you are probably going to see the opposite results of what you want, initially. Your body will start retaining water like no other, which will lead to an overall “bigger” appearance as you will display signs of puffiness, inflammation and bloating. Furthermore, your body may decide to shift to survival mode and start storing everything you put in it into adipose tissue (or fat). My tip to avoid this from happening is: do as a turtle would do. Slow and steady wins the race. Also, creating too large of a caloric deficit and continuing to work out is a sure way to get injured.

8. Not getting enough zZzZzZz: Let’s talk sleep. If you are not getting enough sleep, you are putting your body in the “elevated cortisol” phase once more. It is under stress, and consequently, it’s going to start retaining water, become inflamed and react as if it is under attack. Also, as you all know, staying up at night can lead to binging on extra snacks, which may not be the best, depending on your fitness goals. So please don’t trade sleep for working out. It may be counteractive.

9. Getting too much sleep: Ah. Here’s that “moderation is key” mantra again. Too much sleep can affect your results too. 6-8 hours per night is optimal. Any more than that and you risk entering a robotic phase of what I like to call “sleep coma.” You know what I’m talking about. Those days where you feel entirely lethargic and tired throughout the day even though you slept a million hours. Getting too much sleep throws off your body’s natural circadian rhythm, pushing it off balance. We don’t want this.

10. Not instilling a proper warm up or cool down: When you are getting into the gym, chances are you haven’t been training for a marathon the whole day. This means that your muscles have been in a static phase. They need time to become “warm” and ready to go. So please take AT LEAST (and I mean, at the very least) 5 minutes to warm up the muscle group you are planning to work out. I, personally, take about 10-15 minutes to conduct a full body warm up. Numerous studies have shown that a proper warm up can also aid in injury prevention. AFTER you are done with your workout, a cool-down needs to take place. Your heart will be pumping blood like crazy; everything is rapid, and your blood vessels are dilated keeping your body at a hyper-alert stage. It is important to take time to cool down, and allow your body to return to homeostasis. A proper cool down can ensure that you don’t faint or begin to feel sick after your workout. Personally, I like to cool down for about 10-15 minutes– until my heart rate gets down to 100 level.

11. Overestimating expenditure: You’ve probably heard the saying– “a one hour workout is just 4% of your day.” Though this statement is meant to motivate, it does hold subtly important information. A one hour workout, regardless of the intensity, is just 4% of your day. A lot of us are guilty of going to the gym, giving it a 110%, and then remaining completely stationary for the next 23 hours. This can lead to an overestimation of expenditure, or how much we think we are burning. The more you move, the more you burn. For an average-sized woman, a one hour shopping spree (walk at the mall) can result in an additional caloric loss of 300-400 cal. My advice to you is: try not to remain stationary the entire day. I know that workouts are tough. Sometimes, you just don’t want to move after them. It is okay to sit/lay for a little bit to recover. However, try to stay on your feet most of the day and move around 🙂

12. Not tracking your food intake. This can lead to an underestimation of how much we are truly eating. Truth be told, calories are hard to burn. They really are. But they are so EASY (and yummy) to ingest. Regardless of your goal, I think it may be a good idea to track your food intake for a few days to see how much you are really eating. This way, you can tweak your workout program and nutrition regimen to optimize results. On a side note, PEOPLE! DRINKS COUNT AS CALORIES TOO. A few lattes from starbucks per day can result in anywhere from a 600 to 900 calorie gain.

13. Not having proper meals. Are you snacking all day? Every few hours? Yes, there has been research done that demonstrates that snacking frequently can rev up your metabolism, allowing you to burn more throughout the day. Though that is true, most people forget to mention the flip side of this phenomenon! When you “rev” up your metabolism with a snack, it means that your body is probably going to feel hungrier and want MORE food. So unless you have the discipline and self-control of a superhero, I recommend that you stick to 3 proper meals, and snack 2-3 times a day.

14. Yo-yo dieting and random working out: Like I said before, randomness will never lead to specificity. If you are not consistent in your method, you are not going to see consistent results. Doing too much, too often throws your body into confusion. So though, some variety is good, too much variety is chaotic. It will take a little bit of time for you to find that balance for you, but I promise, through practicing gentle curiosity and patience, you will discover it.

15. Rewarding yourself with food: There are so many things wrong with that statement. I literally cringed as I typed it up. First of all, food is not a reward. The mentality of using it in a punishment/reward system is very risky. This type of thinking is the root backbone of eating disorders, and compulsive eating behaviors. So, no, food is not a reward. You are not a pet who needs to be bribed with a “treat” to conduct a certain task. Food is fuel. It is a necessity that you need to sustain yourself and all the wonderful things that you accomplish. Please don’t use working out as a means to allow yourself certain foods. Coming from that place of motivation is highly stressful and distorted. (alright, alright, I am getting off my soap box now).

16. Sipping on popular sports drinks during workout: The popular marketed sports drinks are high in calories and sugar. Depending on the drink, you may, literally, be drinking all the calories you are burning. So take notice of what you put in your body. If you tend to get dizzy and want to make sure that you are replenishing your electrolytes, I would stick to plain water, and just mix in a packet of Emergen-C powder!

17. Taking too many breaks during your workout: Sometimes, we work out really hard for 5 minutes, and then start to look at our phone–“oh look, our best friend texted us with a funny picture of a cat eating noodles. Haha, how cute! We need to reply to this. Wait, why just reply in a text message? Let’s one up her! Let’s google funny pictures of cats and find an ubber hilarious picture and send it to her!” 15 minutes later…you’re still on that phone. Sound familiar? Put that phone down!!! Heart rate is changing number ya’ll. In order for it remain elevated, it needs to be maintained with consistent activity. Let’s make the most out of the 30 minutes-1 hour we are dedicating to ourselves and our bodies at the gym.

18. Got (no) patience? : So many of us need immediate gratification. We need to see those changes! And when we don’t, we are quick to walk out on the process. This is one of the simplest reasons we may not see results. If we’re not sticking to working out and seeing the process through, we’re not going to get the results. Sucks how that works, right?

19. Not listening to your body: On the contrary, you may not be listening to your own body . Are you trying really hard to make yourself into another transformation? In that process, you may be neglecting what your body is telling you. The truth is that you are not the same person as any of the other girls in the “transformation pictures.” No, I don’t care if your body may resemble hers. You are NOT her. This means that no work out program is going to be smarter than your own body. If a regimen that’s supposed to make you lose weight is actually making you gain weight, then you may want to change it up. But so often, we just keep going— hoping that with enough time, it will magically make us lose weight. The entire time, we ignore the signs that our body gives us. So, let your body be the primary judge–your primary guide. If you are hyper-vigilant and super aware of your body, you should see SOME change in 4 weeks. If it takes you a little bit longer to notice changes, you should see some by 6 weeks for sure. Again, notice that I said some results. They are probably not going to major life changing ones, but they should be enough to give you insight on how your body is responding to a certain regimen.

20. Don’t forget to love yourself: Alright, so this tip may not be the most “scientifically” correlated with seeing results, but I had to put it in here! It would feel inauthentic if I didn’t! 🙂 Take time to love yourself throughout the entire process–through the injuries, the messups, the falls, the small victories, the big wins, and all the rest. You are trying and you are human. This means that you are going to get there a little bit a time, not all at once. Take time to honor your body and what it can do for you, and most of all, trust it 🙂 It does so much to support you!

I love you all so much! I hope this was helpful ❤

And don’t forget, this was just the first post in a series of posts to come. Watch out for these next three blogs ❤

Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
Tips to lose weight and excess bulk

❤

Body image & self esteem

Being “not okay”

September 24, 2014 mahamabidtalent 4 Comments

It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.

So, why haven’t I really written?

Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.

There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.

I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”

I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.

“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”

Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”

Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.

I am not worthless. I am human.

I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.

And that is okay.

But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.

And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!

Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.

Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?

I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.

As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.

Why doesn’t this apply to me?

Because I’m the antichrist. Right?

I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!

Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.

What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.

So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.

All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?

The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.

However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?

Wrong.

–Sigh-

Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if we shared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.

And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.

Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.

So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in. I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.

I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.

But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.

After all, I’m no alien.

❤

Uncategorized

My biggest FEAR

September 3, 2014 mahamabidtalent 6 Comments

Life is unpredictable.

I had planned for this post to be about foam-rolling, and though that will be coming soon, it will not be coming today. As I sat down to write this blog post, I found that my heart was somewhere else. So, I decided to loosely follow the direction of my heart, as writing about anything that is not my raw, unfiltered experience would be a disservice to both you and I.

Today, I want to talk about nothingness.

I have a really hard time being still. And no, I promise its not because I have attention deficit disorder. My fear resides in a more philosophical dwelling. The fear of “being” has plagued me for as long as I can remember. As a child, most of my nightmares consisted of not doing anything. And not doing anything consisted of not being “seen”, heard, or noticed. If others did not notice me, would I even exist? Furthermore, if I ceased to exist, what would I be? Would I be nothing?

To this day, my mind responds with silence.

And, I’m fearful of its silence too.

As a result, I have found safety and comfort in “doing.” Whether it’s going to school, maintaining activity at the gym, or simply attempting to keep up with the springing dynamic thoughts in my mind, I am always moving.

I have built a tenuous home in chaotic motion. I suppose, “doing” something all the time grants me some degree of disillusionment from my deepest and darkest fears; mobility serves as a relieving distraction from my ultimate fear of being still. Upon reflection, I suppose that I have equated “being” with nothingness. I am not exactly sure how, when or why that association was made, but somehow my neurons fired enough times to solidify the link between the two concepts.

Is “being” nothingness? If I am still, am I still there?

Stillness.

My mind does not care to respond.

I feel that ever-familiar gulp climbing up my throat; the nervous butterflies in my stomach are beginning to commence their anxious waltz. I am afraid. I don’t want to go there.

As a teenager, I invented drama where there was none. I thrived on intensity. I was never just “unhappy”, I was in painful anguish. I was never simply “satisfied”, I was in exuberant delight! Even ephemeral colds and flu’s seemed like cancer. I lived in great swoops of emotion. Up and down. Down and up. It made me feel something! It was a reminder that I was alive. I fretted that if I were simply “unhappy,” people wouldn’t notice or care. I had to create commotion to attain validation!

Only the stuff of soap operas gains attention, care and concern. ~~Right~~?

Wrong.

At 19, I met my husband and we began the process of an arranged marriage. Don’t let our current state of contentment fool you. Our first 6 months felt like “misery” to me. In retrospect, I can identify that they were normalized and necessary adjustment points, but, of course, to me, Maham, the soap opera star, they felt like unadulterated agony. For those of you that don’t know, my husband is one of the most stable and satisfied people I have ever met. If I were a leaf blowing around with whichever direction of the wind, my husband was and is a sturdy boulder.

I remember the early parts of our relationship. Oh! I wanted him to love me with urgency and passion. I wanted our relationship to be a fabulous theatrical love story. I wanted all the elements of “The Notebook”, I wanted rage, grief, hope, ecstasy, longing—and I wanted all that every single day, for forever and always. Isn’t that what love is?

Isn’t love chaotic movement? If we are not wanting, longing, fighting and craving, what is left? What is left underneath all of that? Will love still be there? Or will it be nothing?

Do you see a common theme yet?

Once more, my fear of nothingness and stillness peeks its maniacal head out. And to some degree, it always will.

Contentment is unimaginable. Satisfaction is frightening. If our deepest selves are afraid of being still we will find a way to suffer being with another person, regardless of the nobility of their character.

But, here’s a troubling concept to ponder: Have I confused longing with love? Is love characterized by aching, wanting, and craving? Or are those characteristics of fleeting passion?

In terms of fitness, life, and relationships, I find that I, often, long for what I don’t have. I want more. I set goals, and I want to achieve them. After I’ve achieved them, I want to set more goals, and work towards achieving them. Though “wanting” is a necessary motivator for change and growth, is it also the birthplace of dissatisfaction and distress?

There is no rest in “wanting.” Craving does not allow room to foster love and acceptance. It cleverly avoids the existential fear of stillness—of NOT craving, of NOT wanting for things that we don’t have.

So what if we were to step back from our endless cycles of doing and overdoing, and doing again? What if we were to look at all that we do have, and love what we have accomplished thus far? What if we were to look at ourselves as whole beings, without wanting to change a thing—even if its just for a fleeting moment? How would that look like? How would that feel?

Dangerous.

Though my “ups” and “downs” are not as fierce and agonizing as they once were, I still struggle with the idea of stillness. I wrote this post because tonight, at 6:30 pm EST, I am taking my first yoga class after a dry spell of a few months.

Me doing a modified wheel pose at the beach

I ceased my practice, as I became more and more afraid of what the mat brings out in me. It brings out comfort in being, it brings out acceptance for the present moment; it brings out satisfaction and contentment with simply being. But isn’t that exactly what I want?

Yes, and no.

It is exactly what I need. However, parts of me are still frightened of the concept of simply being. What I have learned is that peace and contentment are states of being that require practice. They don’t just come when you graduate college, get to your goal weight, or finish a workout regimen. They don’t magically appear in your new office, your new car, or your new job. They are feelings that require consistent practice to achieve.

I have come a long way since I was a teenager, and though, I still have heaps of room left for improvement, I want to take the time to truly appreciate how far I’ve come. I am thankful for my health, for my legs that can support me from one adventure to the next. I am thankful for my body and my heart; they adapt so beautifully to all the stressful changes life places on them. I am even thankful for my consistently fretting, and worrying mind; its desire to protect me is indomitable and truly admirable! I am thankful for all the little oddities, and imperfections in my soul and appearance. I know that weaknesses are just strengths in the wrong environment.

And, just like that, I’m a little less scared.

Because what if I’m wrong?

What if, behind all that wanting, doing, craving, longing, fighting, dieting, exercising, studying, analyzing, and criticizing, there is something. Perhaps, behind the endless “doing”, there is EVERYTHING. Perhaps, underneath stillness, there is a place that is truly ALIVE with peaceful satisfying gratitude.

Perhaps, you and I can find endless freedom there.

❤

PS- I would love it if you commented and let me know that I’m not the only one who feels this way or share your biggest fears with me ;P

Body image & self esteem

I’m burning alive!

August 12, 2014 mahamabidtalent Leave a comment

God I have so much shame. I am ugly, disgusting, bad, and dirty. I am worthless. I wish I had nothing to do with me. How is it that I am the creator and receptor of all my hate, mistrust and anger! I feel doomed by myself. God! I cannot believe that I am stuck with me forever. This must be what hell feels like. My permanent doom lies in the fact that I’m destined to share residence with this awful, disgusting repellant of my being.

– An old journal entry of mine

Well, there is some truth to the above passage.

Yes. This is exactly what hell feels like.

Ever feel absolutely disgusted with yourself, and then even more repelled by your own thoughts about yourself? Me too.

I want us to go visit that dark, demeaning place of self-hate again. I’m hoping that if we go back together, it won’t be as scary. So will you take my hand, so I won’t be so alone?

Are you ready? 1-2-3-JUMP.

God. I’m burning in this inferno!!! It feels like a million nails are peeling away my burning skin over and over again. Let’s hurry past this layer! I want to go deeper—beyond the self-loathing, because the nauseating abhorrence we feel is actually an illusion. It is a disguise. It is masking the intensely painful feelings of shame and fear that, so often, take over my life–that take over your life.

Oh god. I thought that burning wrathful inferno was the worst zone, but this–god, this is far more painful. Why is there so much darkness? I feel so empty in this desolate, lonely, and ominously silent substratum. I’m absolutely frightened. I’m so thankful that you are by my side.

What is this place? Welcome to fear.

We all set these never-ending goals for ourselves—“if I am able to do this by this date and within this time frame, then, and only then, will I be successful. Then, and only then will I love, and accept myself.” I must be __________________ (fill in the blank). I must be a successfully certified counselor; I must get all A’s this semester; I must eat 800 calories a day; I must lose this amount of weight in 3 weeks; I must be able to graduate medical school at the top of my class; My thighs must not touch; I must friends with the “popular” kids; I must be able to speak in public without getting nervous. I must be able to wrestle with a shark in the deepest part of the ocean, while I’m drowning, and still WIN. Might as well add that one on the list, right?

We put so much pressure on ourselves, and then, we wonder why we feel overworked, exhausted, and overwhelmed. And the most confusing part of all? We still don’t see results. “Wait, wait, wait. So why the heck are we not achieving our goals even though we are working so damn hard!?”

When we don’t “reach” our goals, we swiftly move onto more planning, goal-setting– more calculating. We take out our whips and try to beat some motivation into ourselves—hoping, that this time, it will be different. Yes, yes. This time we will finally get what we desire.

“I’m gonna make it, because this time, I will accept no failure!” we assertively swear to ourselves!

How motivating.

In actuality, what’s happening, there, is a foolproof, surefire way to get yourself to fail, yet again. Seriously, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been through that cycle. I’m guessing a lot of you have too.

As we cruelly “goal-set”, we simultaneously give ourselves a debilitating subconscious message: “you MUST do this, and if you don’t do it, YOU are a FAILURE.”

Can you imagine trying to operate under such an overbearing presence? We place crippling, paralyzing pressure on ourselves; we try to cheat ourselves out self-love.

“Shut up, Maham! Nobody’s got time to sit in a cave and work on cultivating self-love. Okay? I have stuff to do. Don’t you get it? I have to lose this weight before my wedding/before summer/before the world ends.”

I hear you. So, we return to our least favorite, but oh-so-familiar statement.

I will love myself when_________

Don’t you see, my sweet friend? We are all stuck in trying to accomplish our life goals in ~~reverse~~ order! And, it never works out. You know this. You’ve experienced this. It’s like trying to build a skyscraper, without taking the time to establish a proper and durable foundation. Would you like to test climb that building? Yeah, me neither.

So, we whip ourselves into getting back up, and we try again—only to fall harder and further this time. “OMG! I AM SUCH A FAILURE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? All these other people can accomplish the same thing in 0.00002 minutes and I haven’t been able to do it in a freaking year!”

We are back in that familiar raging inferno of self-hate. Hey, at least it’s better than that dark fearful layer under it right?

Sweetheart, you’ll be back there again too. It’s a vicious cycle.

We don’t see results that we want–>we panic–> so we put even more pressure on ourselves–> which leads us to fail harder–>the results are still nowhere to be seen.

How’s that working out for you?

I’m not mocking you, or looking down on you in any way. I’m not even asking you to become “less uncomfortable” with where you’re at. I know where you’re at; it is really hard. It is gruelingly painful. It may be sucking the very “life” out of your life. I understand because I’ve been there too; I know shame like the back of my hand. I know what it feels like to be in a place where you’re unable to give or receive love; it is impossible to believe people when they say nice things about you because you are so isolated and ashamed.

What if we try something different? What if we attempt to operate from a place of loving and positive motivation? What if, instead of brutally bludgeoning ourselves for everything we “do wrong”, we make a commitment to appreciate, and pat ourselves on the back for “the few things” we do “right?”

Will that lead to a better chance for success? Will that cause less suffering for you? And for others? I can’t answer those questions for you. I guess you’ll just have to see. I can tell you, however, that trying this changed my life.

Are you willing to give this a chance?

ACTIVITY: Think of a goal that you haven’t been able to achieve because you’ve been trapped in the self-hating and fearful cycle we just talked about. Got it? Okay. Now, I want you to commit to writing down 5 things you do “right”, in terms of achieving that goal, every single day. It does not matter how small or big those things are; all that matters is that you physically record them on a sheet of paper, or on a computer. Do this for 10 days and comment below to tell me about your experience ❤

Hey you, you are so flipping loved…by me!

❤

Fitness

Let’s get back on track!

August 11, 2014 mahamabidtalent Leave a comment

Please don’t.

Failure is an event.

Not a ~~person~~.

Alright, so we all have those days or periods of time where we veer off track–this may be in terms of school work, fitness regimens, or keeping up with close connections. Today, I want to talk about getting off track in terms of fitness. We may have days of “bad eating” or skipping workouts. This is expected, normal and part of the process.

Labeling food as “good” or “bad” or “healthy”/ “unhealthy” is a sure way to get trapped in the all-or-nothing perfectionist mentality society promotes. The truth lies in moderation and balance; just like you don’t get “fit” from eating one salad and doing one workout, you will not get “unfit” from eating one “bad” meal or skipping one workout.

The “all-or-nothing” philosophy makes people feel horrible if they think they made a ‘bad’ choice. I’ve heard tons of women say : “I ate _____! God, I am so bad.” Though I agree that some amount of “food guilt” is natural, I strongly believe that a lot of us end up feeling much worse than just the normal “little bit.”

So many of us let “food guilt” spiral into food shame. “I am a bad person for eating that.” “I am a failure because I didn’t go to the gym.” “God, I suck. I can’t keep food out of my mouth. How am I ever going to look like that?” Food choices don’t make you a bad person – but that is how many people, especially women, talk to themselves. We have to be very careful with “food guilt” as it can quickly become disordered and debilitating.

So, let’s ~~ditch the shame~~, and…get back on track!

My Tips for Getting Back on Track

1. Meal plan! Let’s get some accountability up in here! Plan what you are going to eat, and go grocery shopping! If you only have healthful food in the house, you will only eat healthful food.

2. Is there a certain food that’s been tripping your diet up? Let’s have a mini-lent. Give up something that’s been screwing up your diet for 10 days. This is not about restriction. This is about regaining confidence in your ability to choose. You are not helpless. You are powerful!

3. While you are out grocery shopping, get yourself a huge gallon/water bottles of spring water. H20 is going to become your best friend! Drinking water aids in removing toxins from the body, which will be necessary if you’ve had a particularly rough binge period. It also helps in hydrating, elevating mood, and reducing the number on the scales by preventing water retention!

4. Let’s get some zZzZzZz’s! Try to be in bed earlier and attain more sleep so that you can feel well-rested, and ready to tackle on the new week! Getting 7-8 hrs of sleep/night has been linked to a reduction in overall BMI and weight ❤

5. Plan your workouts! Make a little chart for the week, and know which workout you are going to be doing on what day 🙂 Take out your markers, stickers, and make it beautiful! Hang it up 🙂 Put it in your workout binder. Try to make this as specific as possible.

6. Remember to congratulate yourself/give yourself compliments each time you abide by your meal plan/workout plan! A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. I promise. Before each planned meal/workout, whisper to yourself: “I am actively choosing to abide by the plan I have made.” Once you are finished with your planned meal/planned workout, whisper to yourself once more: “Yay! I did it! I knew I was strong enough to do this!”

7. Avoid weighing yourself, or doing any sort of progress “tests” till after getting back on track. You do not need to assess the damage to fix it. Please please please veer away from measuring yourself, trying on that skinny pair of jeans in your closet, or taking progress pictures. If you have had a particularly rough eating period, your body may be holding onto water weight. Common “binge foods” are usually really high in sodium or sugar which both contribute to water retention. You do not need the scale to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do.

8. Take a yoga class. If you cannot afford a yoga class, or if you do not have access to local yoga studios offering classes, visit youtube. Search some meditative yin-yoga or vinyasa flow yoga. Try to do this for at least 20-60 minutes, and remember to focus on your breath. “By its very nature, the breath is not graspable; there is nothing at all to hold on to. Our breath, therefore, provides an immediate connection with impermanence as we experience it by continually arising and dissolving back into space. Using the breath as the object of meditation introduces us to the fundamental groundlessness of life. It allows us to experience letting go.”

9. Buy a “get well soon” card for yourself, and write yourself a letter. In the card, speak to yourself as if you were speaking to a best friend. Explain that you understand that you have been going through a hard time, and that you also acknowledge how down you may be feeling. At the same time, however, remind yourself of the immense courage that lies within you. If you don’t feel that you are ready to do this activity for yourself, buy a few “I’m thinking of you” cards and write thoughtful letters to a few close friends letting them know that you are thinking of them. Kindness has a way of accidentally spilling happiness into any circumstance!

10. This one is my favorite! POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS! ❤ Make a vision board of yummy positive affirmations that help you feel good, and remind you to be gentle with yourself. If you are short on time, just create a folder on your laptop, and download pictures from the Internet that remind you to forgive yourself. I am going to post a few from my own folder to get you started ❤

FAVORITE! Seriously, say this to yourself, over and over and over and over and over again! Okay. Now say it one more time. So important!

Forgiveness is so powerful! It is the quality of leaders!

Remember that in order to be all the "good things", you have to go through the bad things. This rough time means that you're one step closer to being more AWESOME! — Remember that in order to be all the “good things”, you have to go through the bad things. This rough time means that you’re one step closer to being more AWESOME!

This one always makes me smile! Imagine the freedom baby! Do you want to be free? I know I do!

Seriously. How well has hating yourself been working out for you? Einstein said that "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Let's not be insane and try something different :) — Seriously. How well has hating yourself been working out for you? Einstein said that “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Let’s not be insane and try something different 🙂

This one is a good one to remember in terms of whatever you're going through! All the "not-so-good" feelings are just a precursor to MAGIC! — This one is a good one to remember in terms of whatever you’re going through! All the “not-so-good” feelings are just a precursor to MAGIC!

So true! The only diet that will ever work will be one that includes self-love.

A quick and easy affirmation to lead each day with!

Think of your favorite fitness guru. They are pretty freaking awesome right? Well, guess what? They are made up of the same magical stuff that you are.

Are you going to act out of fear or love today?

This is a good old simple reminder to all of us. This is not our first mistake. This will not be our last one either. We are young, and we are all children of the universe. We are going to screw up...a lot. — This is a good old simple reminder to all of us. This is not our first mistake. This will not be our last one either. We are young, and we are all children of the universe. We are going to screw up…a lot.

No one has the right to make you feel worthless. Not even you.

If you are really deep in shame, and the preceding pictures were unable to help you, then I know one thing for sure. You are ready to get past this hell of a period. Are you ready to leave it all behind? Well guess what you have to do? FORGIVE YOURSELF.

This one is going to work for everyone. If you cannot seem to forgive yourself, regardless of what you say or do. Do this: Accept that you cannot forgive yourself, and FORGIVE yourself for not being able to forgive yourself. You are free.

❤ YAY! WE ARE ALL FORGIVEN ❤

So, in summary:

< 3

Fitness

Drop it like it’s hot!

August 10, 2014 mahamabidtalent 4 Comments

Here’s a little background on my journey. Prior to getting married, I had always been in the 110-115 lb range at my near 5’5 frame. I was living at home, eating home-cooked food, and consequently, had some regularity in my meals and, therefore, my weight.

Recent picture in the same outfit (different jean size of course)

After getting married and moving to a bigger city, I was introduced to drive-thru krispy kreme’s and smoothie places. Needless to say, it was lust at first sight.

Another thing working against me was that I did not know how to cook especially well; this meant going out to eat a lot. And, frankly, come on! I moved to New Orleans- the city of Cajun friend food! So, I ate. And I ate. And I ate.

A few months after getting married, I went back to my hometown and started getting a few remarks about how “chubby” I had gotten. This was a new thing for me, as my whole life, I had never been told that I was “chunky” or “chubby.” I became especially self-conscious, and decided to step on a scale for the first time in months. 131 lbs stared back at me. I had gained 15-20 lbs in just three months! ~~WHAT????????~~

Yeah, Okay! I know that’s not overweight. I realize that its not “too much.” But, I didn’t like the way I looked, and more so, I didn’t like the way I felt. So, I set out to make a few changes.

Over the next year, I went from 131 lbs to a fragile 96 lbs. I didn’t realize that I had plummeted to such an unhealthy weight range, until I visited my primary care physician for my annual check up. I was unaware of my weight loss, because I had stopped weighing myself. I was only tracking my progress based on measurements and the way my clothes fit.

Needless to say, after that doctors visit, I kinda freaked out. (shoutout to my patient husband, who picked me up and calmed my bawling self down 😉 ). I, then, set out to return to a state of balance, remaining careful in my journey, as I wanted to gain the weight back in muscle mass. I did not want to pack on lbs of fat as I had done before. Consequently, I added weight training into my predominantly cardio regimen, and began to incorporate more protein sources into my diet. I steadily gained muscle over the course of the next 6 months.

This brings us to current times :). I haven’t weighed myself in a few months. However, the last time I was keeping track, my weight seemed to stay between 104-108 lbs (this was in late April 2014). I don’t like weighing myself anymore, as that is a slippery slope for someone like me, who tends to get trapped in the “perfectionism” cycle easily.

Notice that my pre-wedding weight was around 110-115 lbs; this is close to the 104-108 lb range I was in a few months ago.

Look at how different the recent pictures look from the very first pictures in this post. That should be a testament to the fact that weight isn’t everything. 110 lbs of predominantly muscle looks starkly different from 110 lbs of predominantly fat.

I wasn’t always able to jump around from bench to bench like a lemur. I wasn’t always able to do pushups, or chin ups. I was not always able to run for an hour. So what is my secret? What did I do? Well, read on!

Change #1

I cut out almost 60% of refined, processed WHITE carbohydrates. This was probably one of the biggest, and initially one of the HARDEST changes I made. Don’t you love how those two things usually go together? Anyway, I stopped eating white rice, white bread, doughnuts, cookies, etc. Please note that this did not happen overnight. I did not go “cold-turkey” or shift to an all-or-nothing sort of mindset. In fact, I am munching on Lorna Doone shortbread cookies as I write this. PS- they are delicious.

Personally speaking, I do not think quitting something entirely is sustainable, or even “healthy”. It may be more healthful for the body, however, I don’t see this restrictive type of thinking as beneficial to the mind. As someone who already struggles with perfectionism, it is extremely important for me to steer away from the “nevers”,”always” and “forevers”; It is truly a minute-to-minute struggle to remind myself to live in moderation.

Anyway, I simply began to reduce my intake of “white carbohydrates.” I remember that, at first, I replaced them with brown rice and wheat bread. As time went on, I replaced the brown rice with quinoa and I actually stopped craving bread altogether. If I had to choose, most of my weight reduction was a result of this change.

Change #2

The first “excercise tool” I purchased was not some fancy sportswatch; instead, it was a $5 pedometer. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that is, it is a simple tool that counts the steps you take each day. I began by tracking how many steps I walk in a typical day, and started to increase that number the next day. So, each day I was walking more than the day before. The key to this is holding yourself accountable. I remember that some days,I had to drag myself out of bed to go walk around the house one more time, so that the number of steps I took was at least 1 step greater than the day before. Since this was an active goal, it inadvertently led me to park further in parking lots and to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Change #3

I started a food journal! I started recording the calories in the foods I was eating. Since weight loss, at its basis, results from a caloric deficit (taking in less than you burn), food logging was very helpful. Now, I do have to say that this can easily become obsessive, so I have a tip for you. I want you to to start thinking of caloric deficits on a weekly instead of daily basis. How many calories are you eating per week? How many calories are you burning per week? After you’ve answered these questions, try to create a deficit of at 1300-2500 calories in the number every proceeding week. Continue this, till you have reached your target body type. The reason I recommend doing this on a weekly basis is for enhanced sustainability. It becomes really hard not to beat yourself about having a “bad day” if you focus too much on daily calories. There will be days where you eat more. There will be days where you eat less. Consequently, it is more sustainable and healthy to assess your nutrition progress weekly.

Change #4

Oh this is going to be a kicker for so many of you–guess what? I stopped weighing myself. Take your measuring tapes, and cameras out, and throw your scale out the window (don’t do this if you live on the 2nd or 3rd floor lol). Weigh-ins can become really depleting, and may lead you to feel dejected. Sustainable weight loss is slow. The reason I said “sustainable” is because people can starve themselves for a few weeks, and drop tons of weight, however, once they start re-feeding, the gains will be back. True, lasting, weight loss is slow and steady, especially if you are trying to maintain it. If you weigh yourself, and don’t see that “magical number” we all create in our heads, it can become sadly easy to give up, and return to old habits.

Change #5

Only after making the above-mentioned changes, did I get a membership to the gym, and make any active attempts towards exercising. The first exercise program I ever tried in attempt to lose weight was Sean T’s Insanity. Yes, I did lose weight on it, however, it is an extremely challenging fitness program. I felt like I was going to die during the WARMUP. I finished Sean T’s insanity, and joined the local gym. There, I began to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day. This also assisted in further weight loss. As I felt more comfortable , I started venturing out to the elliptical machines, and began to take spin classes. These were all very helpful. I will say this, however: if you decide to take spin classes, please be careful about raising the resistance too high, as this may cause your quads/thighs to bulk up.

Important Point: Long-duration cardio (>25 minutes) is going to be your main arsenal when it comes to weight loss. This is predominantly all I did when I first started my fitness journey. The thing with cardio is that it will initiate you losing “weight”; this means that you’re going to be losing fat but also some muscle.

Important Point: Spot reduction is not possible. We cannot say: “doughnuts go to my butt, and cardio, subtract from my belly.” It simply does not work that way. When the body loses weight, it loses weight evenly. You can do ab excercises all day and night, and have a 6-pack. You will not be able to see that 6 pack, unless you employ cardio to help decrease the layer of adipose tissue, or fat, that covers that muscle group.

Change #6

My heaviest “carb” meal, to this day, is still breakfast, or my “pre-workout meal”. This way, I utilize most of the food that I eat throughout the day. For dinner, I have mostly protein and vegetables. I don’t need heavy carbs during the night, as my activity level is going to be low.

Change #7

Portion sizing goes a long way! Simply reduce the portions you take- even if it is just by a little bit. Subtracting a ton of “little bits” eventually add up to a lot of weight loss. Rule of thumb: the amount of grainy carbs you eat in one meal should be, at max, the size of one fist.

Change #8

Alright, alright. Warning! if you are a healthnut reading this, you are not going to like this change. When I first started on my fitness journey, I started “replacing” foods solely based on the caloric value. I didn’t care if the replacement was all natural, organic, vegan, gluten free etc. Since my initial goal was weight loss, I was only concerned about taking in a lower amount of calories. Consequently, I started replacing normal cookies with 100-calorie Lorna doone packets or 90 calorie special k cereal bars. I started replacing whole milk with unsweetened almond milk. I replaced sugar with stevia, and white bread with low calorie multigrain crackers. I’ve gotten more health-oriented now, however, this post is not about me now, it is about when I first started.

So, here you go. This highly-requested blog post is almost done. I haven’t told you guys my #1 secret though.

So, here goes: There is no way that I would have been able to do this if I had come from a place of extreme self-loathing. It is one thing to WANT to change; it is another thing to hate yourself through the whole journey.

You will NEVER be able to accomplish anything if your motivation is from a hateful, critical place. It is not sustainable. How far can a horse run if you keep whipping it harshly across the back? It may run faster, at first, out of fear and shock. In the long run, however, it will slow down, and eventually, fall to the crippling pressure. So, please, don’t set yourself up for failure.

I love you ❤ Please remember to love you too!

Body image & self esteem

Stop being such a girl!

August 7, 2014 mahamabidtalent Leave a comment

Oh women,

You are nothing short of miraculous.

Believe it or not, it wasn’t till relatively recently, that I began to develop close relationships with my female counterparts. For most of my life, I have had little to no close female-friends. I suppose it was because the vicious threads of jealousy, competition and hurtful gossip fueled my apprehension in engaging with the most beautiful, majestic creatures that have ever lived on this planet. That’s right. I’m talking about you, girls.

Before I speak about my loving admiration for womanhood, let me first address one of my favorite concepts in the history of EVER. You may be familiar with the “yin-yang” symbol that became nascent in ancient Eastern philosophy.

The concept asserts that the world maintains a state of balance–or homeostasis–through equal and opposite forces. For night there is day, for winter there is summer, for man, there is woman. On the surface, it is easy to look at these two forces as antagonistic. It may seem as if they are working against each other in an attempt to cancel one another out. However, if you look a little more closely, you’ll find that is not the case at all. Life is consistently wobbling upon the pulls of complementary forces. These serve to balance, instead of cancel the effects of the other. They work together, in perfect, synchronized harmony. How does this all relate to my overflowing love for women?

So many of the problems we face in our contemporary world are a result of an unbalanced feminine:masculine power schema. Globally speaking, there is an eminent lack of kind, gentle, feminine energy to balance out the strong, assertive masculinity that’s running this world amuck. Countries have become engrossed in asserting power over one another via aggressive, oppressive, and often, violent means.

You know that the world has become a sad place to live in when “stop acting like a girl!” has become an insult. What is so wrong with being a girl? What is so wrong with FEELING, and being sensitive? Feeling is powerful. If more of us felt things for each other, and for the world, there would be a marked reduction in violent hurtful energy that are so evident today. As women, we feel things. We are nurturing, caring, loving creatures. This does not make us stronger or weaker than males; it simply means that we are differently powerful. Like the yin-yang concept dictates, we are complementary powers–equal and opposite in magnitude; when we are in “perfect” union, our forces contribute to the serene harmonious balance that is otherwise, so common to nature.

Being a girl is AWESOME! I can’t even verbalize how deeply loved and supported I feel by my female friends and followers. Womanhood is such a relentless force to be reckoned with. It is so immensely powerful in the gentlest of ways. We have so much strength and influence over one another. Just like us girls can tear one another down, if we allow ourselves be true to our core, we can empower and heal one another like NOTHING AND NOBODY else. We can provide for one another the love, support, and friendship that NO MAN has the capability of EVER giving us. Together, we can form an indomitable sisterhood.

My sweet sisters, my beautiful other halves– your kind beautiful compassionate words and gestures feel like cool pitter patter of rain drops all over my heart. You are downright remarkable. There is no other way of saying it. I am so continually inspired by you and you and you and you. I feel so blessed to know such profound greatness. The nurturing tenderness, love and compassion you exude into the world are nothing sort of revolutionary. You give so much more than you ever take, my selfless goddess. You walk on this earth with the such gentle grace–never stomping on the ground because you FEEL. You feel that you are connected to it, and it to you. Your undeniable presence is so magnetic and charismatic, drawing in those who don’t know you yet. You walk around with that cute little side-smile because you KNOW. You’ve discovered the most sought after truth! You know why we are here, on this earth. You know, because you, my love, are the very definition of why we’re here– altruism.

Don’t sell yourself short. You are the reason God has not given up in the world yet.

So, here’s to those of us who get our hearts broken by the slightest of winds–to those of us who let happiness take our spirits past the highest heavens. Here’s to those of us who, despite all the adversity, wake up each day with the same childlike hopeful attitude towards the world. Society may try to convince us that we are “weak” or “stupid”, or my ever-favorite: “naive”, but we know the tremendous courage that comes from CHOOSING not to let the world make you hard. Here’s to all of us who never had enough “commonsense” to give up, once and for all, after each consecutive fall. Here’s to those of us who over-think and overanalyze, to those who FEEL intensely and immensely. Because at the end of the day, we are the ones who are ALIVE amongst a sea of people who have passively chosen to exist.

My kindhearted, soul sisters, will you join in me in my journey?

If we help one another achieve our potential, we are inevitably going to leave the most honest and kind footprint on Earth’s journey.

There is a slight catch, however.

In order to help others tap into and utilize their potential, we need to gain greater accessibility to our own. This can only be attained through spending dedicated time with ourselves. We must have courage to look within. We must observe and get deeply intimate with our truest selves by means of the most raw, unrefined honesty. Only then, can we begin to help eachother in fulfilling the greater altruisitic unifying purpose. We are all stuck in trying to change the world, but what if to change the world, we must begin by changing ourselves?

My lovely lioness, you must spend time getting to know the immortal, enlightened truth within you. You must discover, and rejoice in the beauty is so inherent to your very being.

That is the only way.

We must be our own before we can ever be another’s. We must cultivate the capacity to love ourselves so wholly and so deeply. That is the only way we will be able to extend the same boundless love to this much-needing world. Our purpose is far too great to waste any more precious time in forsaking, hating, and disassociating from ourselves and each other.In a world full of uncertainty, there is one thing that I know for sure. I wholeheartedly promise you that we are absolutely magical.

❤ ❤ ❤

Body image & self esteem

All it takes is all you’ve got

August 4, 2014 mahamabidtalent 1 Comment

Ever heard someone say: “you’re all you’ve got”?

Yeah. Yeah. We hear it all the time. A part of us may even register that when we get down to the literal aspect of things, we really are all we have. We are the ones who inhale the oxygen, break down food into usable energy, and use water to sustain our literal lives.

Let’s change one word in the above mentioned statement.

How about “you’re all you NEED”?

Like me, some of you may agree with that statement. I mean, I KNOW that it’s true. I think most of us do. But, how many of us can say that we truly, without a doubt, BELIEVE that we are all we need?– that we possess all the resources, connections, and tools we need to, not just, survive but to create a fulfilling and meaningful life?

Do you believe it? Would you like to believe it?

How ironic is it that in the most significant moments of our lives, we are alone? When we come out of our mothers womb, we are alone. When we are faced with death, we are alone. We came into this world with no one, and we will leave with no one.

What if we truly are strong enough to deal with life? And not just deal with it–but really mold a colorful, and beautiful one?

I think that if we truly believed that we are all we really need—that we are enough, there would be much less fear in the world. Violence, hatred, envy, harm—these are all sons and daughters of fear.

On a global level, fear has been masked as tyranny and terrorism. We only feel the need to oppress other beings because we feel threatened. We “need” to create a hierarchy so that we can establish that “I am stronger/higher/smarter/better than you.” But, why would we need to assert our control over others if we believed that we were enough, by ourselves?

On a more individual level, fear has refracted into countless rays: addictions, abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders. You name it. Why would we need to turn to alcohol, drugs, food, other people, and other things if we, 100%, believed that we were enough—that everything we needed to create a meaningful and satisfying life was already within us?

I really want us to think about that statement. What if all the things we have ever wanted and have been within us this since the day we were born? Entertain this thought with me, for a second.

If that was truly the case, the first change we would see within individuals, within families, and consequently, within the world would be a reduction in fear. There would be markedly less frantic, fearful, hasty energy demolishing Mother Earth.

Imagine how it would feel to really believe that… to believe that you are all you need. You are enough.

In fact, I want all of you to do something silly with me.

I want all of you to scream “hello”, loud inside your head. Let it ring inside of you.

“H-E-L-L-O-!”

Notice, that there are two different presences inside of you. There is a voice that bellowed “hello”, and there was a different presence that, simultaneously, heard the “hello.”

There was a voice that spoke, and there was a voice that listened.

So often, the only voice we hear is the loud one–the one that speaks, barks, criticizes, ridicules, judges. What about the other voice? The one that isn’t as charged? The one that resides in the deepest part of us, and simply observes.

I want to share something with you, girls. I wrote a letter for you. From you to you. From me to me.

I want for the wise voice within you that listens to say these words to the frightened, panicked voice that, so often, speaks.

I know. I hear you. I know it feels like the world is going to crumble sometimes. I’m hearing your panic. I’m hearing your voice. No one is ignoring you. I’m here. It is going to be okay. I know that a part of you is petrified. And, I so, wholeheartedly appreciate and honor that part. Look at how brilliantly resilient you are! Look at you throwing these resourceful solutions to me about turning to alcohol, or drugs, or food, or other addictions. I don’t hate you for saying those things. I don’t think you’re bad for saying them.

Instead, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for trying to protect me. I want to thank you for sensing that I’m scared, and I want to thank you for trying to resolve the fear in ways that we’ve previously dealt with it. But angel, I need you to hear me when I say that it’s safe. You are okay. You are going to be loved and accepted. You already are. You deserve to be cared for, to be loved, and valued. And I am here to take care of you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. Nothing you can/will do is going to make me turn away from you this time.

I realize that its going to take you a little bit of time to realize that I am here to stay. But I am no longer going to ignore you, or push you into the dark. I am not going to beat your bones till they are broken, or mentally annihilate you. You are and never were bad, wrong, or not enough. Deep down, I know that all you’ve ever wanted was to feel okay—to feel loved, accepted and cared for.

You want to feel like you have a home. You want to be accepted, understood, and valued for just being you, at this moment in time—no expectations, no strings attached. There will be no more: “I love you when’s…” You are enough, now. And no matter how scary that is, I want you to know that I am working on accepting and loving you the way you desire.

I am making the choice to take care of you, and to honor you. You may not have received that essential love, approval, and value when you were only a child. But you grew up. I grew up. A part of me is capable of helping you now—for giving you all that you have ever wanted.

I’ll need your help. Will you help me, sweetheart?

I’m not asking for you to discard your fears, or your concerns about being alone. Being isolated, alone, and abandoned are really scary things. I am not asking you to throw away your apprehensions, because I know that this situation is unfamiliar. For so long, I have pushed you away; this fearful relationship between us is what has kept us functioning. This is how you survived. This is how WE survived. But I am imploring with you to allow me to reach out to you now. I’m asking your permission to let me in.

I am not your best friend who betrayed you. I am not your mother who abused you. I am not the boyfriend who cheated on you. I am none of those people that hurt you in the past. I know that I may have pushed you away, but I want you to know that it was NEVER because I wanted to hurt you. It was never because I thought not you were bad, unworthy or unlovable. It was and has always been about me being scared too. I pushed you away because the intensity with which you need me scares me.

I don’t know how to handle the loneliness you feel. I am afraid that I won’t be able to be enough for you—that I’ll fail you.

I know it’s a risk. It’s a really scary thought to think that, together, we can make it. But if you give me a chance, I am willing to understand and try to be what you need. I will not let you down. I will fight for you.

I’m here now, telling you that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live wholly and fully. I realize that you’re scared to hope, because a lot has been taken away from you. It’s been really hard. You’ve had to shut off so many parts of yourself to make it this far.

I’m so thankful to you for allowing me to feel your pain. I honor your apprehension but I see the immense courage that you already have. I’m so amazed at your strength. Your will to survive, and to be heard is incomparably astounding. You never gave up. You may have tried to feel loved, accepted, and cared for in really bizarre and maladaptive ways, but you never gave up. I am so thankful to you for not giving up despite what other people said, or what circumstances brought.

I am most thankful, however, that you did not give up on being heard, despite how cruel I was to you. I know that I am not perfect, but I am willing to try. I am here to tell you that I am willing to try to accept you, to love you, and to show you, that together, we are enough. We are all we’ve got, and we are all we need.

My struggles

I am not good enough

July 30, 2014 mahamabidtalent 1 Comment

The last few days, I have been feeling plagued by this feeling of not being “enough.” Not a “good enough” daughter, a “good enough” sister, “a good enough” wife, a “good enough” person, a “good enough” athlete. This got me to thinking about where this was coming from. What is going on with me?

Sigh. This again?

Let me begin by speaking about an interesting self-observation. I’ve always loved experimental science. My bachelors degree was in Biology (pre-med route). I loved that it possessed an element of certainty. If I mix these chemicals, in these precisely measured amounts, chances are that I will always attain the same reaction, again and again and again. Always. There is that dreaded word again.

This year, especially, life has been weaving a thread of sub-optimality within me . It has redundantly challenged my “all-or-nothing” cognitive distortions. Repetitively, I have found myself having to wrestle with the “gray areas.” Though unbelievably arduous, the rewards I’ve started to reap are priceless. The presence of “grays” has allowed me to cultivate gentle compassion for the wide array of human paradoxes. To be human is to be in a persisting battle of internal and external contradictions. “I want to be different, but I am so invested in fitting in.” “I want to be able to feel good about myself in any shape, and form, but I MUST be pretty, fit, and barbie-like.” “I want to stand up for myself, but I don’t want to stir up any conflict.” Do you see the double-binds?

One of the closest relationships I’ve had was the epitome of this paradoxical relationship (I’m going to keep them disclosed, for the purposes of this blog). I think that’s where a lot of my fear of not “being good enough” comes from. This relationship had dynamics that were quite odd and contradictory. Love was offered in a very conditional manner. After being exposed to it, I, inaccurately, learned that I must be a certain way, to be loved, to be worthy– to be good enough.

The preceding reason is why I think my struggle with “all or nothing” thinking was exacerbated. I’m was either the best at something, or I didn’t want to try it at all. My school assignments were either 45 pages long, or they were the bare minimum. At it’s very basis, this thought process is reminiscent of the “fight or flight” survival response. If I interpret a situation as a “challenge” I’ll either run towards it fearlessly, prepared to tackle it at any cost. Or…I won’t even try. I’ll give up, retreat, and hide.

And for some reason, retreating, hiding, and being afraid have become synchronized with feelings of shame, and unworthiness. If I am afraid, I am weak. And if I am weak, then I am flawed. And if I am flawed, then I am surely unworthy of love.

It’s reasonable to say that the last few years have forced me to, dare I say, START to ~~accept–~~actually, more like tolerate, the imperfections, mistakes and incongruities within myself. I’m starting to comprehend that, maybe, I don’t have to expend an exhausting amount of energy to try to “mask” or hide my imperfections. So if I’m not hiding, and shaming myself into a self-loathing whirlpool, what do I do instead? I breathe.

In fact, I’ve found that most of my work lies in acceptance. It lies in cultivating acceptance for the fact that there will always, to some extent, be opposing forces present within me. Consider the age-old “good vs bad” battle that is so inherent to human existence. It’s served as a theme in movies, book plots, and even in religions. Monotheistic religions agree that there are two predominant forces acting upon us; there is a righteous force: “God” and also a tempting, misleading force: “Satan.” Human suffering, therefore, becomes a result of consistently trying to reconcile these two oppositions within ourselves.

Acceptance for the “good” and “bad” parts of me have granted me permission to invite and feel the entirety of my experience. In an earlier blog, I wrote about how Carl Rogers, an esteemed idol, said that one of the indicators of true growth is that individuals begin to own and accept their experience. It begins with “owning”, which slowly turns into “trusting”. I would like to think that, so far, I have become AWARE of my contradictions, began to vocalize them, and am starting to tolerate them. I’m hoping that trust in my own experience will be a friend that I will soon encounter, as I continue progressing upon this journey.

Another important discovery I’ve made is ALSO contrary to my prior conceptions. I’ve found, through direct experiencing, that sharing your vulnerability with another selected human being–and I mean, actually sharing the entirety of your story with them, creates MORE autonomy and trust in oneself. I had been absolutely frightened, for so long because I thought that sharing and letting people “see” me would result in me being rejected, abandoned, and isolated. But that didn’t happen.

Instead, I found safety. I landed on the softest cloud after taking a fearful “emotional skydive.” I not only found acceptance, friendship and connection with another being, but I also gained greater trust in myself. How? Because in those fearful moments, I was able to recognize what I truly needed, and therefore, I was able to “give” it to myself. I was capable of identifying that my hunger was for connection–for love and for friendship. By sharing my story, I actively chose to provide those things for me.

I truly believe that each and every human being possesses all the necessary tools to attain the answers to our own troubles. We have enough strength, insight and fortitude to resolve conflicts by ourselves. By the same token, we also have enough wisdom and clarity to recognize when seeking refuge in the kind companionship of another will help alleviate our burdens.

This brings me to one of the most important lessons that I am learning: it is our responsibility, and ours alone, to take time to BUILD a relationship with ourselves. We need to sit down and calmly listen to ourselves so that we can properly identify what we need, and, only then, ponder about the ways to get those needs fulfilled.

That is our responsibility alone. I don’t even know if it as much a responsibility, as it is a birth-given right. Even if we wish to relinquish the responsibility to take care of ourselves, we cannot. We OWN the deed to our houses. We can invite others in, enjoy their company, but the house remains ours, and ours alone. As our lives progress, we may select a roommate (a friend, a lover, a partner) whom we CHOOSE to share an intimate bond with–somebody we invite to live in our home. BUT the house will still remain ours.

And, that is a frighteningly lovely thing.

If I choose not to attend to the house, it simply becomes dirty and untaken care of. NO ONE can clean it but me. This is why we get so reactive to our partners, and our closest friends. When our own insecurities arise, we, so often, expect them to take care of it, and to make it better. We want them to “fix us.” But they cannot. That responsibility was never theirs. I’ve found that I become most volatile in my interactions with my poor husband (lol), when I am desperately searching for assurance, comfort, and compassion in a source that is NOT MYSELF. The grumpy cat version of me comes out: “How DARE you not make me feel better? Don’t you get it? That’s your job!”

But it really isn’t.

The house was never theirs.

So today, I want you to join me in accepting this birth right–accepting the ownership for our house. I own and claim this realization. I know that I have to make time to rebuild and maintain a relationship with my everchanging self. I have to trust my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. I have to trust that together, we are enough. I have to make time to attend to myself, provide myself with the necessary reassurance, positivity and love. If I feel I cannot do that, I will not abandon myself. Because, I know that even in those moments, I can still generate acceptance. I will, simply, accept that it may be hard for me to accept certain circumstances and, feelings. I am not going to walk away from me, because I know that I already possess everything that I need to live a wholehearted and fulfilling life.

“The most important voice we need to trust in any relationship is our own. We need to trust ourselves to perceive and process information. We owe ourselves honesty, rather than comfort with false fantasies. And only then, can we assume responsibility to speak up, and insist on fair treatment and respect for ourselves. Clarity of voice comes from inner conviction about oneself. It comes from deeply held values about self-respect. Remember that to be heard, you may need to lower the volume and intensity, rather than raise it.” –Harriet Lerner.

PS: I ❤ you!

Fitness

My #1 Fitness Tip

July 27, 2014 mahamabidtalent 3 Comments

You spend all of this time looking up workouts for a “lean, slender body.” Hours and hours on the Internet and social media leave you nothing but more confused. One person says do this much cardio; the other person says not to do cardio at all. Weights are key? Avoid weights like a plague? Huh?

In a world full of paradoxical recommendations, the greatest teacher–the greatest personal trainer that will guide you to attain your goal is…-drum roll please-….YOUR body! You can try tons of new things, but nothing– no method, no “perfect work out plan” will let you know how certain exercises and diet affect you like your own body.

The previous statement reminded me of something that one of my esteemed idols, Carl Rogers, said.

“Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person’s ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me. Neither the Bible nor the prophets — neither Freud nor research –neither the revelations of God nor man — can take precedence over my own direct experience. My experience is not authoritative because it is infallible. It is the basis of authority because it can always be checked in new primary ways. In this way its frequent error or fallibility is always open to correction.” —From On Becoming a Person, 1961

Do you see any trends in the words that I highlighted? As we truly “grow”, we begin to have more trust in our own experience rather that which is preached “common knowledge.” We, not only, minimize questioning the validity of our own experience, but also begin to appreciate that it is US who possess the strength, fortitude, and resolve to process and move through our respective experiences.

I, consistently, receive questions from innocent minds regarding fitness and “what to do” to obtain a certain body type. This leads me to believe that so many of us, including me, have been guilty of forsaking our bodies as our greatest guides. When we feel that something isn’t working in terms of “fitness”, our default cognitive resort is to blame/criticize and at worst, punish, our bodies. What are we doing wrong?

“WHY isn’t this working for me!?” we cry! “I’ve seen 10,000 transformations of girls all over the world who have had near miraculous results”

Defeated and tired, we return to the same UNDERLYING dejected, dismal self-belief: “there is something wrong with me. I am flawed. I am not like the others. I don’t belong. Therefore, I’m unworthy.”

Honestly, let’s call it for what it is. We feel ASHAMED. According to one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, “shame is the intensely painful feeling of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the fear that something failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection, love and belonging.”

So what do I do? What do YOU do? Nobody wants to feel this intensely painful feeling.

Humor me, for a second.

By default, you get up the next day. You pick, prod, push, and force your body to the same thing, hoping that if you just FORCE it hard enough, you will become one of those 10,000 positive transformations.

But, you already know that’s not what happens.

You end up getting MORE frustrated when “the damned thing” doesn’t DO what you “tell it to do!” and, Alas! The vicious cycle of self-hate, self-loathing, and isolation continues to menacingly spin round and round; it increases in magnitude each time it spins, so that the next time you feel this way, it can devour you.

I want you to step out of that cycle for a moment. I know where you are. I’ve been there too. I am willing to bet, every single girl living in today’s world has been there at some point.

I know you’re hurting. Come take my hand, sweet girl. Let’s step out of this familiar inferno for a moment.

If we delve a little bit deeper….a little bit more…Ah. There it is! Underneath the superficial layer of frustration & anger, I promise you we will, all, find something far too recognizable.

-Sigh-

We have become afraid of our bodies. I did, and I’m willing to bet that somewhere along the way, you became afraid of your body too. You start feeling paranoid, delusional– that it has somehow, acquired, a mind of its own. And, this mind–it is no friend of yours. In fact, it’s consistently plotting against you; your body is going off on its own vendetta, and destroying all the hard work you’ve put into it. There it is, laughing maniacally at your demise–like a scary clown with razor blades as fingernails. You’re afraid of it. It’s bad and scary.

dissociation

So, you subconsciously dissociate “yourself” from your body.Your body becomes the “bad, evil villain” and you–you are its noble victim. Countless research has shown that human beings split these two entities, in order to reduce the anxiety and conflict that arise from two irreconcilable experiences. On one hand, you’re working so hard to attain a certain body type, and on the other hand, you’re not getting any results. In fact, if anything, you look “worse” than before you started TRYING!

But, isn’t it ironic though? That even to dissociate yourself from your body, your mind and body must work together to create that very thought! Oh sweet, precious girl, don’t you see? ~~Nothing is working against you.~~ On the contrary, everything is working with you.

You’ve been stuck in this power struggle between the “good” and “bad” parts of yourself; you’ve spent an exhausting amount of energy separating them-attempting to hide the “bad” and radiate only the “good.” Hoping that maybe, just maybe, by isolating your body from your mind, by isolating the “bad” from the “good”, you will attain acceptance, alignment, and most of all, safety. I know this, because I’ve been there too.

Sweet friend of mine, don’t you know that restrictive separation can never lead to wholeness–to fulfillment, to love, to connection, to oneness?

1315518-bigthumbnail

I wonder what would happen if we actually began to LISTEN to and honor our bodies. Because our bodies, they aren’t plotting against us. In fact, they are RELENTLESS in their attempts to try to communicate with us. They create rumbles and grumbles in our stomachs. They speak through delays in bowel movements, through the color of our urine, the ache in our joints and muscles. They express themselves through the antsy shaking of the leg, through our changing levels of energy and lethargy throughout the day. They articulate our stress through the tension held in our shoulders. They shout for joy by means of the adrenaline surge we get when we run (or as I’d like to think of it, when we fly 🙂 ) They yammer via uncontrollable laughter and tummy aches. They whisper in agony through frowns, furrowed brows, tears welling in irises–through the broken pacing of our breath.

So how can the best advice I can give to you, in fitness, and in life be anything other than to TRUST yourself? To trust your body. To trust ALL parts of yourself. Your mind, body and spirit are meant to be in concordant harmony.

You may have forgotten, but let me remind you, that your body was the FIRST thing to ever make a lifelong vow to you. She made this promise before your family, before your friends, before your lovers, and before your mind.

“I, your body, take you to be my partner, to have and to hold you, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. I promise to love and to cherish you, from this day forwards until death do us apart.”

It is your most loyal companion. It is your lioness.

	slimming legs runnin… on Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bu…
	Michelle on Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bu…
	Anne on Slimming down bulky, muscular…
	Anne on Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bu…
	Aneema on Slimming down bulky, muscular…

	slimming legs runnin… on Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bu…
	Michelle on Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bu…
	Anne on Slimming down bulky, muscular…
	Anne on Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bu…
	Aneema on Slimming down bulky, muscular…

abidmaham

Tag Archives: selfesteem

Why am I not getting results?

Being “not okay”

My biggest FEAR

I’m burning alive!

Let’s get back on track!

Drop it like it’s hot!

Stop being such a girl!

All it takes is all you’ve got

I am not good enough

My #1 Fitness Tip

Learning to stay human.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Learning to stay human.