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I ponder about life..., My struggles, Pregnancy

Change: How the HECK will I survive this?

January 22, 2016 mahamabidtalent Leave a comment

So I thought about writing about a lot of different things this week; I could speak about my fitness routine, my nutrition, and other topics that a few of you have expressed interest in. But, can I be completely honest with you?

There’s a lingering issue that has kept tugging on my heart recently. I feel that if I didn’t share it with you, I would be denying myself (and you) of the utmost authentic interaction we could have.

The matter that my mind and heart have been grappling with is the pesky concept of change. C-H-A-N-G-E. I mean, on some level, we all know that things change– that nothing remains the same. We wake up to different day with a brand-new sunrise; we nonchalantly check our clocks at work and realize that “time has passed.” But, really, how many of us have actually contemplated this idea of change in its profundity? Yes, I mean the absolutely scary, spine-chilling, hair-raising parts that accompany this inevitable truth. Everything is subject to change. Our bodies will not stay the same; neither will our minds. There is an imminent timeline on both our physical and mental capabilities; there will come a day when they, too, will change, and begin to deteriorate with age. To me, the most grievous part of the changing process is having to let the people in our lives change. The people we hold so dear to our hearts—our husbands, partners, fathers, brothers, mothers, sister, friends—even they are subject to the basic unsparing principle of impermanence; it’s heart wrenching to think that at times, letting these people change means coping with the fact that they must transition through and out of this world;there will come a day when you and I will no longer be able find comfort in the warm, soothing embraces of our beloveds.

But are change, impermanence and even death really as wretched as we make them out to be? Even the “we” that assigns these processes as negative and painful is not permanent. So, no. I don’t believe this processes are inherently bad. I think they just inherently are.

Recently, change and impermanence have been sowing through my spirit deeply and painfully. Pregnancy has a way of highlighting the truths we work so arduously to ignore; I mean, your growing body makes life’s consistent fluctuations quite difficult to neglect. Pregnancy is a time of great physical and emotional change for women. Everything from the size of our bellies to the speed at which our hearts beat, to how much blood is pumping through our veins fluctuates voraciously over a cramped period of nine months.

And to me, that’s frankly terrifying. In our society, there are far too many ludicrous “old-wives tales” and burdensome stereotypes about pregnancy. One such implicates pregnancy to be a time in which expectant women are only allowed to burst with love for the miraculous gift of life they are growing; ~~(forget bursting with tears over the fluctuating horomones, and physiological aches and pains~~). Pregnancy is said to be an exciting, incomparable and life-altering experience. Yes, that is true. But society can be too hasty in glazing over the unfavorable aspects.

For me, the most challenging aspect of pregnancy has been tolerating its rapid and repetitive changes. I, personally, have a very difficult time coexisting with uncertainty and change. My most amiable attitude towards it can be described as mandatory toleration. “Change, I acknowledge that you exist” but ” I’m absolutely terrified of you, and would like it if you could just stay as far away from me as possible…”

“Oh, and if you must come…please arrive as slowly and gently as possible.”

To hell with that in pregnancy.

~CHANGES IN PREGNANCY~

I’m about mid-way through my pregnancy, and recently, my growing belly has started playing hide-and-seek with me. At times, I’ll notice the protruding bump, and the next moment it’s completely gone. I can’t help but await in anxious uncertainty, wondering when I’ll “pop.” I have mixed feelings about it. However, for every distressed change, there is an inspiring counterpart. For me, this has been the movement of my baby girl. Whenever I’m very still, (which to be honest, is rare), I’ll feel her fluttering about. Oh my goodness, that sensation is electrifying, and the feelings it creates within me–they are indescribable. Her little butterfly waltz sends a set of my OWN “love flutters” through my heart.

Another major change that is transpiring is the birth of this insatiable hunger. I think this sensation is, by far, the toughest one for me to handle. On a cognitive level, I have heard and known that “pregnancy brings about more hunger; for god sake, you’re growing a baby…” But Yikes!!! Experiencing it firsthand is an entirely different story. You guys, they really weren’t kidding. The thing is that my activity level hasn’t changed drastically (another positive change), but for some odd reason, I was expecting that the same nutrients that were able to sustain me before my pregnancy would be enough for me and my baby. This was true for the first trimester, but now…boy, am I wrong!! And every morning, at 4 am, every morning…this thing awakens within my womb. RAHHHH!!!

Screenshot_2016-01-20-14-37-46-1 — *how i picture my daughter in the womb at the break of dawn*

My little dictator daughter wakes me up with a ravenous hunger that I cannot EVEN put into words. And suddenly, I’m transformed into a horrifying hybrid of the cookie monster and Godzilla; you can find me stamping around the house wanting to eat everything in sight!!! Even silverware! Humor aside…this feeling is honestly quite unfamiliar to me, and its unfamiliarity really frightens me. Its presence makes it apparent to me that the delicate balance that I had found before has been disrupted. My happy, “pre-pregnancy balance” of nutritional intake and activity level is now offset.

So here’s me telling you that if you are, have been, or are planning to get pregnant—it is not all glamorous. And you are under no obligation or oath to enjoy every moment of it.

The ravenous hunger, clamorous queasiness, manic mood swings, inferno-like heartburn, and unpredictable muscle-aches are completely real. Sometimes, they feel more real than the miracle you are actually carrying. And then, there are the cruel comical changes going on in your body…weird changes to your lady parts, bellies expanding to uncomfortable lengths and when you lay your head to sleep, you’re left with a weighty awareness. You are left with the glaring realization that your body does not solely belong to you anymore. You are now sharing control with a whole other being. How freaking scary is that?

So no, you are certainly not a sociopath for being wary of “growing a miracle inside of you.” It does not, by any means, indicate how much you will love and sacrifice for that little human. It just emphasizes that you, too, are just human.

HEY YOU! A lot of you reading this are probably not pregnant, so how does what I’m saying apply to you? Though you may not have a fetus pressing on your bladder as you read this, I can bet that YOU too HAVE had to endure undesirable changes.

ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS

What is your relationship with change? Do you embrace it? Simply tolerate it? Spend great energy in avoiding it?
What are some of the ways you cope with change? What specific things do you do to tolerate it?
What are some aspects of your life that you see undesirable changes in? (fluctuations in weight, in your motivation level, your inspiration, dedication to your relationships, career changes etc.)
How are you currently tolerating these unwanted changes?

So how do I, Maham Abid, recommend that you get get through it? Well, I have 5 WAYS that I use.

Keep reminding yourself that it is only temporary. The not so sharp-sided edge of the sword of change is that it is only temporary. The only that that NEVER changes in life is that EVERYTHING always changes. This means wherever you are in your life—at whatever level of motivation, whatever weight, whatever mood, or whatever circumstance–your current predicament is not your final one; it is subject to change. In essence, “change” is not good or bad; it is our own cognitive perceptions make it out to be the “bad guy.” So theoretically speaking, this means that things could literally change for the better RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT! You could totally win the lottery, get back on the meal plan you desired, muster up enough magical motivation to achieve your goals and live the life you’ve always wanted.

Focus on how things could change/have changed for the better already! I’m not saying that you actually have to make your mind believe this. But, it might be a good idea to simply CONSIDER some positive changes that could potentially come about from your current situation. You’re at rock bottom? Well, there’s only one way to go up from there!

Even for me, there have been several positive changes in pregnancy! My natural tendency is to magnify and worry about the negative ones BUT there are some phenomenal things that HAVE come about as a result of me being pregnant! I’ll (hesitantly) discuss four with you!

POSITIVE #1: I have become a stronger and faster athlete. I am able to run longer distances in faster paced times! Who knew that a few extra pounds would have done that for me?
POSITIVE #2: I have a lot more energy to do the things that I want to do (counterintuitive to most pregnancy stories, but hey, I’m 100% unique!)
POSITIVE #3: I have been super in-tune with my emotions, which has allowed me to become more vulnerable, sensitive and compassionate to those around me. This, in turn, has helped my personal relationships blossom. My network of support is certainly gaining fortitude.
POSITIVE #4: Pregnancy has really elucidated my mind’s propensity to catastrophize and “expect the worst”…this has really forced me to start to break life down to “taking it one day at a time.”

Make time for you- my third recommendation is that if you’re feeling emotionally “off” or down, try to do something that you used to enjoy before. I get it. Sometimes when you’re feeling crummy, it FEELS like you’re going to have to expend enough energy to move mountains in order to do something that you previously enjoyed. This leads me to my next point. But before we go on to that, I really want you to brainstorm of a few activities or hobbies that really made you feel happy, or like yourself before. For me, specifically, this has usually been engaging in physical activity, reading a self-help book or writing.

Start Small: Great things almost always start small. But really, “greatness” is a lofty goal that makes me cringe. I’m sure if you’re feeling helpless at the whims of change, you’ve not even looking for “greatness.” At this point, you’re probably just seeking some seedling of normalcy or “okay-ness” in your day-to-day routine. I’ve got good news for you, because one of the most interesting realizations I’ve come to is that this small, “least expectations” sort of thinking usually results in better progress. For example, there was a time period a few months ago when I just could not get myself to run a MILE. To me, this was a crisis. Here’s someone who is used to running and enjoying 5-7 miles at a time, and now, all of a sudden, I can’t muster up the motivation to run a mile? So logically, I decided that I was going to run half a mile. Yup—that didn’t happen. So I dejectedly lowered my expectations to just taking a walk around the block…that was about as successful as me running a triathlon. You’d think I started by just taking a walk around the block. So I kept lowering my expectations till I finally could get myself to the smallest thing possible to bring me closer to my goal. You know what that was? To read a book about running. So if you’re not seeing any progress, ask yourself, what is an EVEN smaller thing I can do to bring me ½ step closer to living the life I want?

Screenshot_2016-01-20-14-39-07-1 — *If you can’t do great things, do small things in a great way*

Pray- ~Disclaimer~: I really want you to try to detach any religious dogmas and preconceptions you may have when you read this suggestion. I know that the word “pray” can carry a heavy connotation for some who do not believe in God. The reason I have this on my suggestion list is because a lot of my resistance to change is based on the root feeling of FEAR. I’m afraid of change, because I think that things will change for the worse. I’m afraid that with change, something really terrible will happen. What I’ve found is that the only CURE to fear is FAITH. I’m not only referring to faith in a deity such as God, or Jesus, or Buddha (those are fine too though!) I’m referring to having faith in the innate “goodness” of things—having faith in the cause-effect relationships in the universe. I have to remind myself consistently to have faith that things might not turn out as horrible as I have imagined them out to be.

Have a sense of humor– This suggestion is one that I have to thank my dad for. In my last visit, he literally looked at me, smiled and said: “why do you take things so seriously!?” I think part of that is my nature, but I think it’s a really important question to consider! Coming back to the topic of this post—change—everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever, so why do we linger so painstakingly on circumstances that will just pass? I’ve really been trying to joke with my mind, and its tendencies to catastrophize recently. Sometimes, we all just need to step out of ourselves, and look at our minds, and just laugh at the little magical instruments that are working so very hard to protect us from dangers that simply don’t exist yet.

Screenshot_2015-09-14-07-45-31-1 (1).png

NUMBER #5 If you forget everything else, REMEMBER THIS- Not everything your mind tells you is the TRUTH. Your mind knows how to lie too. It’s sole job is to try to protect you. If it senses danger, it switches on its alarms and will create any illusion/delusion it needs to get you to safety. This is a noble and admirable mission, but it can have some annoying consequences too. Depending on who you are, the mind can sometimes react to a mosquito and a lion with the same threat level. So please—do not believe everything your mind tells you. Learn from my mistakes.

~MY CATASTROPHIZING~

I remember during the first trimester, I was SO frightened everyday that I was going to have a miscarriage. Every time I used the bathroom, I expected to see blood denoting “the worst is happening; I’m losing my baby.”

During early second trimester, I was terrified that there was some chromosomal or physiological abnormality in my child…”What if her brain isn’t developed so far?” “What if she has 6 toes?” “What if her ears grow upside down?” Ugh. There is no end.

So I’ll share something something humorous (and totally vulnerable)? Don’t laugh at me. (okay, you totally can. Because I’m cracking up typing this). So initially, I did have a gender preference. My husband relentlessly wanted a girl, and I really wanted a boy; the 16^th week rolls around, and we find out it’s a girl. Two doctors confirm it. Do I believe it? Heck no. Two weeks later, we go again, to a DIFFERENT doctor and the only thing different was…tada! MORE developed and noticeable lady parts. Okay, let’s try out one of those elective ultrasound places that do gender reveals! Yay! What do you think it was? Now, finally, at my mid-pregnancy appointment, we’ve gotten a total of 6 different opinions confirming it’s a girl.

You guys, the reason I kept rechecking is not because I was that hellbent on it being a boy; in fact, I was starting to be happy that it was a girl. Truth be told…the reason I kept checking was because the whole time… I was PETRIFIED that this little girl was going to somehow grow “guy parts” too. Then, we’ll have the best of both worlds?What were we going to do then? I’m telling you guys…my mind is a creative little bungalow of ideas, sometimes bordering on hypochondriasis.

So long story short, ~~none of those things happened (so far)~~. Not ONE of my fears came true. So you and I–we are under no obligation to believe that the fears our minds create are going to, with 100% guarantee, come true. We have the power to question the validity of our thoughts, and accordingly reject or accept them. What a relief that is!

Screenshot_2015-08-04-22-55-49-1 — *I love running because it really highlights the fact that our minds sometimes lie*.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope that some aspects of this blog are able to help both, you and I, handle the ebbs and flows of life with more ease. Let’s drop our heavy swords, and cease this endless expenditure of energy in resisting the current of life. Let’s just float…

And you know what, if we can’t seem to do that…then, let’s just ACCEPT that at this point in our lives, we are having trouble surrendering to the flow of things. Even accepting what we have trouble accepting is nonresistance. Haha, tricked ya’, mind!

❤

Fitness, Pregnancy

Pregnancy and Fitness!

January 8, 2016 mahamabidtalent Leave a comment

❤ I’M BACK ❤

Pregnancy is such a complex, multi-faceted experience. I think if I could come up with one word to describe the process, it would be “vulnerability.” Something as private as your body becomes a public spectacle. Well-intentioned people begin to make comments about how you’re growing, if you’re growing, and whether or not that growth looks “good” or “bad.” Also, pregnancy is a time period marked with companionable, but unsolicited advice. Out of care and genuine curiosity, people seem to want to bond over this experience. It’s such an exciting time, and I think people, generally, are eager to share that excitement with you! They want to connect, and tell you about their experiences when they were pregnant, what worked for them and what didn’t’ work for them. Even strangers at the grocery store are eager to grant you their two cents on what you should or should not be doing, eating, not eating, craving, feeling etc. Though I agree that this advice comes from a benevolent place, it can sometimes be a hard to accept with an open heart.

I’m working on this, and on clearing my heart. I am trying to look at these advances as an opportunity for connection. What may seem as unsolicited advice may just be an attempt for others to find common ground. They are connecting with me, and giving me an opportunity to connect back. I won’t lie, however, thinking about advice this way is going to take some work. When someone criticizes what I’m doing, a natural resistance arises out of my human heart. I’ve witnessed this, specifically, in terms of others criticizing my running and physical activity.

I would go as far as saying that there is a universal taboo on physical exercise during pregnancy. It seems as if, regardless of culture, there is inaccurate information circulating about a suspected increased risk of miscarriages and birth defects associated with over-activity. This myth is especially exacerbated in the Indian/Pakistani culture 😦 The tricky thing in terms of defining what you can/cannot do in pregnancy is defining what “over-activity” means. I believe that the preceding definition is so subjective, and relative to the individual. For someone that has never walked a mile before, running 5 miles/day during pregnancy is probably alarming and unfavorable. However, for an ironman or triathlete, running a marathon might still be below their personal “over-activity” threshold. I guess the point I’m trying to make is: it is all relative. Nothing is 100% wrong or 100% right; in fact, my lovely OBGYN ran through eight months of all of her pregnancies! Pregnancy is a unique experience and no human being experiences it identically. Our bodies are also unique in their unparalleled capabilities, training and consequently, in the thresholds of intensity they are able to tolerate. From what I’ve gathered (mostly from my doctor and other OBGYNS), the rule of thumb seems to be the following: avoid trying new regimens that you haven’t been consistently pursuing before your pregnancy.

As for me, running and physical activity are the two practices that have kept me emotionally balanced. Everything seems to be subject to change in pregnancy, and I, for one, am still working on trying to tolerate change—much less, embrace it! Being pregnant is such an odd, lovely change! On one hand, there is this sense of blooming love and overwhelming excitement that I’ve never felt before. Then, on the other hand, I experience waves of terrifying fear and crippling vulnerability. “What if I screw this up?” “What if I mess up, and that ends up destroying my daughter’s life?” “What if I’m unable to provide her with enough stability to feel safe in this unpredictable world?” I think that is my biggest fear-that I will somehow “ruin her”. I don’t want to mess up her beautiful, fragile life. I suppose this fear is one that many parents have. I’ve seen the consequences of careless parenting one too many times, and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. With all these thoughts ruminating in my mind, the addition of the vicissitudes of hormones and my own body changing can make me feel completely ungrounded. I can forthrightly and wholeheartedly say that the ONE thing that has helped me feel like myself is physical activity. Fitness, running, and working out are all activities that I enjoyed long before I was pregnant; they have been stable, persevering components in my transitions from childhood, youth, to adulthood. To me, physical activity serves as a hope for normalcy; it makes me feel like myself and gently reminds me that there is a beautiful end to these nine months of persistent change—that at the end of this process, my most sought out dream will come true; I, Maham Abid, will be a mother.

Running has provided me with a sense of consistency throughout this changing process. And of course, I’m terrified that one day I’m going to go the doctor and they will tell me that I have to restrain from all physical activity, and become bedridden because they’ve detected some sort of risk. Ah! how could I authentically claim this entry without the resurfacing of my ever-familiar tendency to catastrophize? I try to soothe these fears by reminding myself that so far, everything is normal, healthful and unimpaired. I do not know about tomorrow, but today, I have no reason to believe that this fear will manifest itself into reality. And if there ever comes a day when I do have to deal with this fear, or any other fear, for that matter—then, I will deal with it when it arrives in the present. But, not one moment sooner.

Today, I will choose something different.

Today, I will celebrate, because today I am pregnant with my beautiful baby girl. Today, I can of share my joy of running and other physical activity painlessly and effortlessly with my beautiful daughter. Today, I am carrying a sweet little child in my changing body, and that is miraculous. It is all I’ve longed for since I’ve been old enough to walk.

I was reminded of this in my new years trip with my family.

As we were hiking in Chattanooga, we passed by a wishing well and my sweet husband offered me a penny so that I could make a wish. When he suggested this, an indescribable emotion surged through me with immense power. I paused and with eyes full of grateful tears, I looked up at my kindhearted husband and said: “Alhamdullilah (by the grace God), I have nothing to wish for. All my wishes are coming true.”

I am happy, healthy, loved, and able to extend love.

And now, (iA), I will soon be a mother to a sweet, angelic baby doll.

There may come a day when my little girl grows up and feels dejected, and like the world has let her down. She may begin to doubt her own dreams, passions and aspirations, whatever they may be. And that day (and every other day), I’ll look down into her beautiful eyes, and point out that SHE, in her very existence, serves as MY constant reminder that dreams really do come true.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! I will definitely try to keep posting, as it is a highly therapeutic experience for me ❤ I plan on talking about my fears, changes in my workout routine, nutrition, pregnancy and other ramblings. Comment below and let me know if you’d like to know more about something else!

❤ ❤ ❤

Fitness

Why am I not getting results?

October 15, 2014 mahamabidtalent 5 Comments

Are you frustrated because you’re still not seeing results?

Well, take a read of my 20 top reasons you may not be seeing results.

1. Unclear goals. I believe that this is the number one reason people fail to see “results.” The way the human body works is quite simple–it adapts. It will make necessary changes and adjustments in its own physiology to better adapt to whatever stresses are being placed on it. In our case, the added stress is related to how/when/how often we are training. Often times, we do a bunch of different things, in no particular order or time and expect the body to respond in a specific way. Randomness is never going to lead to a specific outcome. So my #1 tip is to figure things out. What do you want? What type of body type do you desire? Are your goals to gain strength, gain muscle, lose muscle, loss fat, etc? Once you’ve established clear cut goals, do some research on it. What types of exercises do you need to do? How often? At what rate do you add a greater load your workouts?

Now, I want to tell you guys something really exciting. Eeep are you ready?

This blog post is only the first one in a SERIES of blog posts to come. So what are my next blog posts going to be about? In light of the fact that I think most people do not get the results they desire DUE to unclear goals, my next THREE blog posts are going to be a series of tips pertaining to three distinct fitness goals

Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
Tips to lose weight and excess bulk

ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS THE CAT?!?! Me too!!! ❤ giggles.

2. Misinformed post workout nutrition: you may not be eating at the proper time or the proper foods for your goals. For example, if your goal is to increase muscle tone and definition, it is a good idea for you to fuel up on an isolate protein snack within 30 minutes of a weight lifting session. On the contrary, if your goal is to lose excess bulk or muscle (ie; bulky quads), you should be avoiding ALL food at least forty five minutes after a moderate intensity cardio workout. This way the body is able to utilize the glycogen stores and then, and only THEN begin to burn through some of the excess muscle storage. More information about appropriate post workout nutrition in relation to your fitness goals will be posted in proceeding blogs.

3. You are overtraining the muscle you want to see shrink. This is a close #2 mistake I see women making. Numerous research has shown that even though women do not get as “bulky” as men, their lower body is more responsive to hypertrophy than any other part. This means that some of us may end up with bulkier legs than we prefer. When this happens, so many of us run to the cardio machines (stair master, elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike etc) in an attempt to burn more calories so we can lose muscle. In theory, this may work. However, what most girls forget is the “use it or lose it rule.” Intense forms of cardio are STILL working your leg muscles. If you are doing cardio everyday, you run the risk of overtraining the very muscle you want to see shrink. “Use it or lose it” applies everywhere. Train the muscles you want to see definition in to fatigue (for me this is arms, and abs). I steer away from training my legs to fatigue as I do not want the bulkier aesthetic for myself.

4. Not drinking enough water! This may be causing you to eat more, and retain more water.

5. Doing too much of the same thing: If you do what you have always done, you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten. That Robbins was a smart cookie, eh? A lot of issues can come up in your training if you continue to do the same sort of excercise day in and day out. First, your muscles will adapt to the load and therefore, it will be much harder for you to attain a “good workout” (I mean “good” in terms of effectiveness). Lessened variety of excercises within your regimen will force hypertrophy (growth) of certain muscles and ignore other muscle groups. This means that you may have more definition in one area (the area you are training), while completely lacking definition in other areas (the areas you are ignoring). Please include cross-training in your regimen. It has saved my world. Seriously. Please. Do it!

6. Nor resting enough: the next few reasons are going to come from the same basic background: that you are putting your body under a ton of stress. When your body feels excessive physiological stress, it begins to produce higher levels of cortisol to allow conservatory metabolic changes to occur. When there is a sustained increase in cortisol levels, your body may start to hold onto food as fat stores. So where does rest come into play? Lack of adequate rest can elicit your body to begin elevating its levels of cortisol! So be careful and take a rest day. 🙂

7. Creating too large of a caloric deficit: you may be working out like crazy and may have simultaneously cut your calories a little too much. Though this will eventually lead to weight loss (I’m talking months, people), the primary reaction is going to be one of stress. In fact, you are probably going to see the opposite results of what you want, initially. Your body will start retaining water like no other, which will lead to an overall “bigger” appearance as you will display signs of puffiness, inflammation and bloating. Furthermore, your body may decide to shift to survival mode and start storing everything you put in it into adipose tissue (or fat). My tip to avoid this from happening is: do as a turtle would do. Slow and steady wins the race. Also, creating too large of a caloric deficit and continuing to work out is a sure way to get injured.

8. Not getting enough zZzZzZz: Let’s talk sleep. If you are not getting enough sleep, you are putting your body in the “elevated cortisol” phase once more. It is under stress, and consequently, it’s going to start retaining water, become inflamed and react as if it is under attack. Also, as you all know, staying up at night can lead to binging on extra snacks, which may not be the best, depending on your fitness goals. So please don’t trade sleep for working out. It may be counteractive.

9. Getting too much sleep: Ah. Here’s that “moderation is key” mantra again. Too much sleep can affect your results too. 6-8 hours per night is optimal. Any more than that and you risk entering a robotic phase of what I like to call “sleep coma.” You know what I’m talking about. Those days where you feel entirely lethargic and tired throughout the day even though you slept a million hours. Getting too much sleep throws off your body’s natural circadian rhythm, pushing it off balance. We don’t want this.

10. Not instilling a proper warm up or cool down: When you are getting into the gym, chances are you haven’t been training for a marathon the whole day. This means that your muscles have been in a static phase. They need time to become “warm” and ready to go. So please take AT LEAST (and I mean, at the very least) 5 minutes to warm up the muscle group you are planning to work out. I, personally, take about 10-15 minutes to conduct a full body warm up. Numerous studies have shown that a proper warm up can also aid in injury prevention. AFTER you are done with your workout, a cool-down needs to take place. Your heart will be pumping blood like crazy; everything is rapid, and your blood vessels are dilated keeping your body at a hyper-alert stage. It is important to take time to cool down, and allow your body to return to homeostasis. A proper cool down can ensure that you don’t faint or begin to feel sick after your workout. Personally, I like to cool down for about 10-15 minutes– until my heart rate gets down to 100 level.

11. Overestimating expenditure: You’ve probably heard the saying– “a one hour workout is just 4% of your day.” Though this statement is meant to motivate, it does hold subtly important information. A one hour workout, regardless of the intensity, is just 4% of your day. A lot of us are guilty of going to the gym, giving it a 110%, and then remaining completely stationary for the next 23 hours. This can lead to an overestimation of expenditure, or how much we think we are burning. The more you move, the more you burn. For an average-sized woman, a one hour shopping spree (walk at the mall) can result in an additional caloric loss of 300-400 cal. My advice to you is: try not to remain stationary the entire day. I know that workouts are tough. Sometimes, you just don’t want to move after them. It is okay to sit/lay for a little bit to recover. However, try to stay on your feet most of the day and move around 🙂

12. Not tracking your food intake. This can lead to an underestimation of how much we are truly eating. Truth be told, calories are hard to burn. They really are. But they are so EASY (and yummy) to ingest. Regardless of your goal, I think it may be a good idea to track your food intake for a few days to see how much you are really eating. This way, you can tweak your workout program and nutrition regimen to optimize results. On a side note, PEOPLE! DRINKS COUNT AS CALORIES TOO. A few lattes from starbucks per day can result in anywhere from a 600 to 900 calorie gain.

13. Not having proper meals. Are you snacking all day? Every few hours? Yes, there has been research done that demonstrates that snacking frequently can rev up your metabolism, allowing you to burn more throughout the day. Though that is true, most people forget to mention the flip side of this phenomenon! When you “rev” up your metabolism with a snack, it means that your body is probably going to feel hungrier and want MORE food. So unless you have the discipline and self-control of a superhero, I recommend that you stick to 3 proper meals, and snack 2-3 times a day.

14. Yo-yo dieting and random working out: Like I said before, randomness will never lead to specificity. If you are not consistent in your method, you are not going to see consistent results. Doing too much, too often throws your body into confusion. So though, some variety is good, too much variety is chaotic. It will take a little bit of time for you to find that balance for you, but I promise, through practicing gentle curiosity and patience, you will discover it.

15. Rewarding yourself with food: There are so many things wrong with that statement. I literally cringed as I typed it up. First of all, food is not a reward. The mentality of using it in a punishment/reward system is very risky. This type of thinking is the root backbone of eating disorders, and compulsive eating behaviors. So, no, food is not a reward. You are not a pet who needs to be bribed with a “treat” to conduct a certain task. Food is fuel. It is a necessity that you need to sustain yourself and all the wonderful things that you accomplish. Please don’t use working out as a means to allow yourself certain foods. Coming from that place of motivation is highly stressful and distorted. (alright, alright, I am getting off my soap box now).

16. Sipping on popular sports drinks during workout: The popular marketed sports drinks are high in calories and sugar. Depending on the drink, you may, literally, be drinking all the calories you are burning. So take notice of what you put in your body. If you tend to get dizzy and want to make sure that you are replenishing your electrolytes, I would stick to plain water, and just mix in a packet of Emergen-C powder!

17. Taking too many breaks during your workout: Sometimes, we work out really hard for 5 minutes, and then start to look at our phone–“oh look, our best friend texted us with a funny picture of a cat eating noodles. Haha, how cute! We need to reply to this. Wait, why just reply in a text message? Let’s one up her! Let’s google funny pictures of cats and find an ubber hilarious picture and send it to her!” 15 minutes later…you’re still on that phone. Sound familiar? Put that phone down!!! Heart rate is changing number ya’ll. In order for it remain elevated, it needs to be maintained with consistent activity. Let’s make the most out of the 30 minutes-1 hour we are dedicating to ourselves and our bodies at the gym.

18. Got (no) patience? : So many of us need immediate gratification. We need to see those changes! And when we don’t, we are quick to walk out on the process. This is one of the simplest reasons we may not see results. If we’re not sticking to working out and seeing the process through, we’re not going to get the results. Sucks how that works, right?

19. Not listening to your body: On the contrary, you may not be listening to your own body . Are you trying really hard to make yourself into another transformation? In that process, you may be neglecting what your body is telling you. The truth is that you are not the same person as any of the other girls in the “transformation pictures.” No, I don’t care if your body may resemble hers. You are NOT her. This means that no work out program is going to be smarter than your own body. If a regimen that’s supposed to make you lose weight is actually making you gain weight, then you may want to change it up. But so often, we just keep going— hoping that with enough time, it will magically make us lose weight. The entire time, we ignore the signs that our body gives us. So, let your body be the primary judge–your primary guide. If you are hyper-vigilant and super aware of your body, you should see SOME change in 4 weeks. If it takes you a little bit longer to notice changes, you should see some by 6 weeks for sure. Again, notice that I said some results. They are probably not going to major life changing ones, but they should be enough to give you insight on how your body is responding to a certain regimen.

20. Don’t forget to love yourself: Alright, so this tip may not be the most “scientifically” correlated with seeing results, but I had to put it in here! It would feel inauthentic if I didn’t! 🙂 Take time to love yourself throughout the entire process–through the injuries, the messups, the falls, the small victories, the big wins, and all the rest. You are trying and you are human. This means that you are going to get there a little bit a time, not all at once. Take time to honor your body and what it can do for you, and most of all, trust it 🙂 It does so much to support you!

I love you all so much! I hope this was helpful ❤

And don’t forget, this was just the first post in a series of posts to come. Watch out for these next three blogs ❤

Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
Tips to lose weight and excess bulk

❤

Body image & self esteem

Being “not okay”

September 24, 2014 mahamabidtalent 4 Comments

It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.

So, why haven’t I really written?

Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.

There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.

I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”

I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.

“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”

Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”

Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.

I am not worthless. I am human.

I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.

And that is okay.

But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.

And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!

Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.

Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?

I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.

As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.

Why doesn’t this apply to me?

Because I’m the antichrist. Right?

I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!

Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.

What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.

So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.

All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?

The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.

However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?

Wrong.

–Sigh-

Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if we shared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.

And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.

Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.

So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in. I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.

I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.

But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.

After all, I’m no alien.

❤

Uncategorized

My biggest FEAR

September 3, 2014 mahamabidtalent 6 Comments

Life is unpredictable.

I had planned for this post to be about foam-rolling, and though that will be coming soon, it will not be coming today. As I sat down to write this blog post, I found that my heart was somewhere else. So, I decided to loosely follow the direction of my heart, as writing about anything that is not my raw, unfiltered experience would be a disservice to both you and I.

Today, I want to talk about nothingness.

I have a really hard time being still. And no, I promise its not because I have attention deficit disorder. My fear resides in a more philosophical dwelling. The fear of “being” has plagued me for as long as I can remember. As a child, most of my nightmares consisted of not doing anything. And not doing anything consisted of not being “seen”, heard, or noticed. If others did not notice me, would I even exist? Furthermore, if I ceased to exist, what would I be? Would I be nothing?

To this day, my mind responds with silence.

And, I’m fearful of its silence too.

As a result, I have found safety and comfort in “doing.” Whether it’s going to school, maintaining activity at the gym, or simply attempting to keep up with the springing dynamic thoughts in my mind, I am always moving.

I have built a tenuous home in chaotic motion. I suppose, “doing” something all the time grants me some degree of disillusionment from my deepest and darkest fears; mobility serves as a relieving distraction from my ultimate fear of being still. Upon reflection, I suppose that I have equated “being” with nothingness. I am not exactly sure how, when or why that association was made, but somehow my neurons fired enough times to solidify the link between the two concepts.

Is “being” nothingness? If I am still, am I still there?

Stillness.

My mind does not care to respond.

I feel that ever-familiar gulp climbing up my throat; the nervous butterflies in my stomach are beginning to commence their anxious waltz. I am afraid. I don’t want to go there.

As a teenager, I invented drama where there was none. I thrived on intensity. I was never just “unhappy”, I was in painful anguish. I was never simply “satisfied”, I was in exuberant delight! Even ephemeral colds and flu’s seemed like cancer. I lived in great swoops of emotion. Up and down. Down and up. It made me feel something! It was a reminder that I was alive. I fretted that if I were simply “unhappy,” people wouldn’t notice or care. I had to create commotion to attain validation!

Only the stuff of soap operas gains attention, care and concern. ~~Right~~?

Wrong.

At 19, I met my husband and we began the process of an arranged marriage. Don’t let our current state of contentment fool you. Our first 6 months felt like “misery” to me. In retrospect, I can identify that they were normalized and necessary adjustment points, but, of course, to me, Maham, the soap opera star, they felt like unadulterated agony. For those of you that don’t know, my husband is one of the most stable and satisfied people I have ever met. If I were a leaf blowing around with whichever direction of the wind, my husband was and is a sturdy boulder.

I remember the early parts of our relationship. Oh! I wanted him to love me with urgency and passion. I wanted our relationship to be a fabulous theatrical love story. I wanted all the elements of “The Notebook”, I wanted rage, grief, hope, ecstasy, longing—and I wanted all that every single day, for forever and always. Isn’t that what love is?

Isn’t love chaotic movement? If we are not wanting, longing, fighting and craving, what is left? What is left underneath all of that? Will love still be there? Or will it be nothing?

Do you see a common theme yet?

Once more, my fear of nothingness and stillness peeks its maniacal head out. And to some degree, it always will.

Contentment is unimaginable. Satisfaction is frightening. If our deepest selves are afraid of being still we will find a way to suffer being with another person, regardless of the nobility of their character.

But, here’s a troubling concept to ponder: Have I confused longing with love? Is love characterized by aching, wanting, and craving? Or are those characteristics of fleeting passion?

In terms of fitness, life, and relationships, I find that I, often, long for what I don’t have. I want more. I set goals, and I want to achieve them. After I’ve achieved them, I want to set more goals, and work towards achieving them. Though “wanting” is a necessary motivator for change and growth, is it also the birthplace of dissatisfaction and distress?

There is no rest in “wanting.” Craving does not allow room to foster love and acceptance. It cleverly avoids the existential fear of stillness—of NOT craving, of NOT wanting for things that we don’t have.

So what if we were to step back from our endless cycles of doing and overdoing, and doing again? What if we were to look at all that we do have, and love what we have accomplished thus far? What if we were to look at ourselves as whole beings, without wanting to change a thing—even if its just for a fleeting moment? How would that look like? How would that feel?

Dangerous.

Though my “ups” and “downs” are not as fierce and agonizing as they once were, I still struggle with the idea of stillness. I wrote this post because tonight, at 6:30 pm EST, I am taking my first yoga class after a dry spell of a few months.

Me doing a modified wheel pose at the beach

I ceased my practice, as I became more and more afraid of what the mat brings out in me. It brings out comfort in being, it brings out acceptance for the present moment; it brings out satisfaction and contentment with simply being. But isn’t that exactly what I want?

Yes, and no.

It is exactly what I need. However, parts of me are still frightened of the concept of simply being. What I have learned is that peace and contentment are states of being that require practice. They don’t just come when you graduate college, get to your goal weight, or finish a workout regimen. They don’t magically appear in your new office, your new car, or your new job. They are feelings that require consistent practice to achieve.

I have come a long way since I was a teenager, and though, I still have heaps of room left for improvement, I want to take the time to truly appreciate how far I’ve come. I am thankful for my health, for my legs that can support me from one adventure to the next. I am thankful for my body and my heart; they adapt so beautifully to all the stressful changes life places on them. I am even thankful for my consistently fretting, and worrying mind; its desire to protect me is indomitable and truly admirable! I am thankful for all the little oddities, and imperfections in my soul and appearance. I know that weaknesses are just strengths in the wrong environment.

And, just like that, I’m a little less scared.

Because what if I’m wrong?

What if, behind all that wanting, doing, craving, longing, fighting, dieting, exercising, studying, analyzing, and criticizing, there is something. Perhaps, behind the endless “doing”, there is EVERYTHING. Perhaps, underneath stillness, there is a place that is truly ALIVE with peaceful satisfying gratitude.

Perhaps, you and I can find endless freedom there.

❤

PS- I would love it if you commented and let me know that I’m not the only one who feels this way or share your biggest fears with me ;P

Fitness, Uncategorized

Poochy tummies and big thighs

August 25, 2014 mahamabidtalent 2 Comments

How do I get lean but small legs? How do I lose stomach fat? What do I eat to lose weight? How do I slim my calves? My quads? How much do you weigh? How many calories do you eat? How many hours do you workout? What types of exercises do you recommend?

Initially, this post was going to consist of me answering your frequently asked questions. However, as I got to thinking about the FAQs from all of you, I was hit with a glaring reality: the most requested blog posts/questions are usually regarding fitness. Getting even more specific, most of the questions within the fitness field are about how to change one’s appearance.

On the surface, this interest seems like admirable curiosity and dedicated ambition to improving oneself, however, the magnitude and fierceness behind the need for fitness “answers” is unsettling. Why is there such FEROCITY behind girls wanting to get rid of that problem spot, or fix their appearance? And do that all in the least amount of time?

Don’t get me wrong! The desire to improve upon oneself is certainly commendable and praiseworthy, however, the panicked INTENSITY behind changing who we CURRENTLY are is troubling and abnormal. I am not trying to isolate the girls who have asked me questions, as I am one of you! I am guilty of doing the same exact thing! I have spent hours upon hours researching how to “slim down bulky quads” or “lose baby fat”, or get rid of acne scars. I am guilty of the same deed. The reason for this post is to address this dangerous and critical epidemic that has infected so many women, including myself.

We have become contaminated with inaccurate information that tells us that we are not good enough. Turn on the TV and look at our commercials. There are ads trying to persuade us to get that cream and cleanser to fix our skin so that we can “gain confidence”; there are companies pushing us to invest in the newest supplements or body wraps so that we can jump-start our weight loss journey; because clearly, there is a scientific correlation between decreasing weight and increased happiness. ~~Right?~~ WRONG.

The entire realm of commercialism invests billions of dollars in attempting to brainwash us into believing that happiness can be bought. If we just had that perfect cream to cure our skin,the perfect supplement to help us lose weight, or the perfect book to change our lives, we would be happy! And, look at our companies. They are bent on trying to convince us that THEY have magically formulated the “perfect” item that is going to give us everything we have ever wanted.

Its absolutely heartbreaking.

It is truly unfortunate to comprehend how deeply these elusive expectations have infected my life. It’s the same sentence OVER AND OVER again, : “I will be good enough when…” …when I get my Ph.d, when the children I don’t even have yet tell me I’m a good mother, when I’m able to complete a marathon, when I have the perfect body, clear skin, etc.

What about now? Why am I not valuable enough to be loved now? I am a work in progress and I will always remain a work in progress. Does that make me invaluable or unlovable?—No, that makes me human.

This brings me back to the numerous questions about fitness—particularly, using fitness to change something that we don’t like about ourselves. We get so stuck in trying to fix what’s wrong with us that we never even stop to figure out why we feel unhappy. What do we not like about ourselves? What makes us unlovable?

We may not like the way we look–we may despise something about our physique or appearance. Some of us may loathe our tendencies–the way we feel, the negative thinking patterns we’ve acquired. Others of us may not be at peace with our behaviors–the things we have done in our lives, the things we may still be doing, the hurt we have caused to ourselves and others. Futhermore, we may be dissatisfed with our circumstances–our career situations, and our relationships.

I get it. It’s not always easy to like yourself. But, when did “being yourself” become such a taboo? Who decreed that we must be in constant competition with one another? So often, I feel as if my life is lost in trying to “conform” to societal norms better than everyone else. Sure, society thinks that helping people is great, but I want to be better than you at making other people feel better. HUH?!?!

And so commences, the dangerously fickle competition.

What if you could love yourself, exactly as you are? Without changing even one thing?

What is holding you back from doing that?

If you really trace it back, it is not the thing you’re bent on changing about yourself. Those muscular quads, the pimples, receding hairlines, odd-shaped noses, the “fat rolls”–these are not the things that are TRULY holding you back. What is, however, holding you back is the self-defeating BELIEF that ~~YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT to be LOVABLE, HAPPY and OKAY.~~

You don’t.

You can be comfortable with who you are, even if you have imperfections. And even more so, other people can be happy with you too, despite your various imperfections! We are all imperfect. We are all insecure about one thing or the other. Though we may struggle differently, we struggle nonetheless. We know what it feels like to be ashamed, scared of judgement, unhappy, dissatisfied and isolated. Whether we want to be or not, we are connected with one another.

I want us to ACCEPT ourselves exactly as we are. Will you do something with me? Will you aid me in putting a hiatus in the endless cycle of panicked “fixing” “picking” “prodding” “calculating”?

“I love and accept myself exactly as I am, and in doing so, I accept the world and other people exactly as they are.”

Repeat that to yourself, as many times as necessary. Repeat it, even if you don’t believe it yet.

Accept it. You’ve got a lumpy tummy, a big nose, horrible acne, noticeable hyperpigmentation, panic attacks, a stress disorder, a mental illness, a physical illness, thighs that touch, clothes that don’t fit, a list of people you’ve hurt, things that you regret. Accept all of it.

Accept it. And, now, stop looking at it.

It is really the looking, relooking, and oh–that one more look that is killing you. Hush. End it. It is there. Yes, you have an odd-shaped nose. Yes, you are overweight. Yes, your face has pimples. Yes, you really did let that partner get away. Recognize it. See it. And let it be. It is there.

Chances are, it is still going to be there the next 50 times you check too. In conducting this neverending recalculating, looking, remeasuring, and re-analyzing, we all inadvertently MAGNIFY our imperfections and insecurities. Some of us magnify them to the point that when we look in the mirrors that is ALL we see. And, we begin to fearfully fret that THAT is all others see too.

It’s okay. Let them see it.

Accept it all.

It is there.

Let it BE.

And, shift your focus to something else.

By accepting and letting things “be”, you are releasing the WORRY associated with your imperfections, not the imperfection itself. It is all okay. You are not going to become a lazy slug and not get anything done. You are not going to turn into a failing student because you’ve “accepted” that your grades are a certain way. You are not going to gain 300 lbs overnight because you’ve “accepted” that you are currently overweight. You are not going to end up in a mental asylum because you’ve “accepted” that you are currently suffering from clinical depression.

KNOW and BELIEVE that you are going to work from this place. “Rock bottom” is going to become a SOLID and DURABLE foundation to build the rest of your beautiful life upon. You are not going to slip into mediocrity. You don’t have to be uncomfortable with who you are to improve on the person you want to be! Contrary to popular belief, those things are not mutually exclusive. They CAN and DO work together. You CAN be comfortable with what you have, while working towards something better.

You are freaking awesome, but you are going to keep becoming even more awesome-er with each passing day!

❤

Fitness

CARDIO: all you need to know!

August 19, 2014 mahamabidtalent 5 Comments

I have had numerous questions regarding which types of cardio to do, when to do it, how to do it, etc. But, the most FREQUENTLY ASKED question I have been asked is some form of the following:

Will cardio bulk me up/pack on excessive muscle in the legs/help me lose muscle/help me lose fat/help me lose weight?

The answer is: yes and no. It depends.

Before getting into further discussion, please note that I am not a nutritionist or physical trainer. I do have a degree in biological sciences (pre-med track), so I can pull on from things I’ve learned regarding human muscular anatomy and physiology.

Alright, let’s first talk about what “bulk” is. When we talk about “bulking up”, we’re talking about gaining muscle. In human anatomy and physiology, we had several opportunities to observe cross-sections of muscles. What we found, in simple terms, is that there is far more to muscle than just protein. There is also water stored in muscles, as well as some carbohydrate (preserved in the form of glycogen).

So, simply put:

MUSCLE = protein + glycogen + water + other stuff.

What does this mean in terms of muscle loss/muscle gain?

If you have just started doing low-moderate intensity cardio, and simultaneously reduced your caloric intake, you may notice changes in just a few weeks. HOWEVER, you are probably not losing true muscle, or the protein part of the muscle. You are losing the other stuff by depleting glycogen stores, and water. These can be easily restored once refeeding begins. Consequently, this weight loss is not permanent.

If you have been doing HIIT, sprints, and/or participating in a strength training regimen, and you find that you are rapidly “gaining” muscle, you are most likely not gaining true muscle. It is probably due to these two things: 1) water retention, as water can leak through microtears within the muscle fibers or 2) Inflammation.

In summary, true muscle (protein) loss/ gain takes closer to a month to few months 😉

Alright, alright! So now onto some of the most common questions asked:

What type of cardio do I do to lose muscle?
What type of cardio do I do to keep my lean muscle but lose fat?
What type of cardio do I do to lose errything?

Question #3

Alright, FIRST, lets start by answering the last question. In order to LOSE anything, you need to have a caloric deficit. This means, that you should be consuming less than you are burning. The caloric deficit can be small-large. It can also be created via exercise alone, and diet alone, however, the largest deficits are created through a combination of exercise and watchfulness in diet. That is why they say that weight loss is most effective when you eat less, and exercise more.

Calories In – Calories Out = -(number) for weight loss.

In terms of losing “things”, our body loses both fat and muscle when we are on a caloric deficit. We cannot exclusively choose losses from one or the other; I’m sorry but anyone that tells you otherwise needs to take a basic physiology/anatomy course. Combined with a deficit, there ARE, however, certain forms of exercises that promote fat loss while maintaining muscle mass. There are also certain forms of exercise that promote an overall weight loss (both fat and muscle).

the only type of "spot training" that exists is on dalmations ;) — the only type of “spot training” that exists is on dalmations 😉

Question #2

The answer to this question is going to be the most confusing, so please read closely! You want to keep your lean muscle mass, but you want to lose fat?

If you read the answer to the question before, you will know that it is not possible to lose ONLY fat. There will be muscle loss, but there are ways to minimize it. In another words, there are certain exercises that help preserve muscle mass, while allowing for fat loss.

Let’s begin by talking about the makeup of the muscle. I’m sure that most of you have probably heard the terms Type I and Type II fibers. Our muscles are made up of certain ratios of both types of fibers.

I think both bodies, and all bodies are beautiful. It really is up to personal preference.

Type 1 Fibers (Left)

Type 1 fibers are called “slow-twitch” fibers. These fibers contain more mitochondria than the Type II ones. They produce energy for us to do our workouts by a process known as oxidative phosphorylation. What does this mean? Basically, it means that these types of fibers NEED a consistent stream of OXYGEN in order to efficiently provide energy for movement.

Aerobic = presence of oxygen

These are the types of fibers we use when we are, let’s say, standing up for long periods of time, when we are walking in a park for an hour, when we are moving around the house etc. These fibers are fatigue resistant because there is tons of oxygen present for them to utilize. When we train these types of fibers, we gain stamina and endurance WITHOUT necessarily gaining the size. (esthetically petite look, the picture on the left)

So what does this mean in terms of exercises? Low-moderate intensity cardio such as walking, jogging, and doing the elliptical trainer promotes the growth of these types of slow-twitch fibers. Because doing these types of exercises is not as strenuous on the body, you are not huffing and puffing for air, and you are not out of breath. If you are not out of breath, there should be more or less, a steady stream of oxygen going in through your nose, and eventually through your blood stream allowing the oxygen to be utilized in producing energy for movement.

Type II fibers (right)

Type II fibers are called fast twitch fibers. These are the ones that do not contain nearly as many mitochondria as the Type I’s. Because they don’t possess as many mitochondria, they do not utilize as much oxygen for producing movement. These types of fibers are able to produce energy WITHOUT using oxygen.

Anaerobic = without oxygen

But don’t we need oxygen to live? Um yes. So how long do you think you can train these muscles without oxygen? NOT LONG. They produce short-duration contractions because they cannot sustain activity without oxygen forever. They also fatigue easily because they are being forced to contract in the presence of LITTLE oxygen. Think rapid JUMPING movements and body-builder strength training. These get you out of breath really fast, and you are dead tired after a few reps. When we train these types of fibers, while

eating at maintenance (calories in = calories out): we are more likely to preserve lean mass and have some fat loss.
eating at a surplus (calories in > calories out): we are likely to gain strength and size in mass.
eating at a deficit (calories in < calories out) : we are likely to get injured!

So, in short, if you are WANTING to preserve or gain lean muscle mass, and enhance fat loss, you should try HIIT.

High intensity interval training or HIIT for short, is a great way to add cardio into your routine and not spend 30 minutes-hours at the gym. The main goal of HIIT is to give you the benefits of traditional cardio without sacrificing muscle mass. Studies have shown an increase in anaerobic activity using HIIT when compared to traditional steady state cardio.

Remember anaerobic = without oxygen = activate Type II fibers = are responsible for gains in muscle mass, in the presence of a caloric surplus, and are responsible for muscle MAINTENANCE, in the presence of caloric maintenance.

Link to the study: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16541371

To maximize muscle growth, exercise must stimulate fast-twitch fibers (picture on the right).

Question #1

What about if you have put on more muscle than you like, and would like to reduce muscle size? I’m going to really emphasize this point again. We cannot “lose muscle” only. We lose weight.

Weight = water + organs + muscle + bones + fat + blood + inflammation + wastes

So, the better question is “How can we MAXIMIZE muscle loss?”

Well, lets go back to what we were talking about at the beginning of this blog post.

MUSCLE = protein + glycogen + water + other stuff.

So, it takes TIME (months) to lose TRUE MUSCLE (ie; the protein part). The first few drops on the scale are flukes because they are losses in glycogen/water/other stuff. These can easily be restored. Now, in order to lose muscle, we need to reduce strength training, and INCREASE long duration low-moderate intensity cardio!

It is VERY very VERY hard for our bodies to lose muscle. They do not want to do this naturally, and that is why it is so essential that we do LONG DURATION cardio (30-45 minutes, 4-5x a week).

When we aredoing aerobic cardio (in the presence of oxygen), we first burn through the local carbohydrate stores (the glycogen part of the muscle). Only AFTER these stores are depleted, do we start to burn some of the true muscle, or protein. The liver begins to release glucose into the blood stream for the muscles to burn through. It takes the average person about 2 HOURS OF exercise to reach a state of total glycogen depletion.

Yeah. That’s a long time. Do you have time to spend two hours at the gym a day? Yeah. Me neither. That is why having a caloric deficit is SO important! it is very tough to lose muscle through changes in excercise alone.

If you are trying to lose muscle, I recommend doing moderate intensity excercise instead of low intensity, because it burns more calories (ie; uses MORE of the energy that the body would use to build muscle, in the first place). This could include jogging elliptical trainer and a cycle (without incline or resistance). Jump roping is good, however, it has to be done for greater than 20 minutes. I personally recommend a combo of these excercises.

I want to end this blog post with something that I found helpful. A study found that if we took two people, one with high levels of body fat, and one with low levels of body fat, and fed them the same low-calorie diet, a greater proportion of the total weight lost in the leaner individual would come from muscle!! So the leaner you are, the more muscle you will lose as weight.

Citation: Hall KD. (2008). What is the required energy deficit per unit weight loss? International Journal of Obesity, 32, 573-576

I hope that this clarifies some of your confusion regarding the relationship between cardio and muscle gain/loss. ❤ Overall, I recommend that everyone performs some sort of cardio most days of the week, because it has great health benefits ❤

Fitness

Let’s get back on track!

August 11, 2014 mahamabidtalent Leave a comment

Please don’t.

Failure is an event.

Not a ~~person~~.

Alright, so we all have those days or periods of time where we veer off track–this may be in terms of school work, fitness regimens, or keeping up with close connections. Today, I want to talk about getting off track in terms of fitness. We may have days of “bad eating” or skipping workouts. This is expected, normal and part of the process.

Labeling food as “good” or “bad” or “healthy”/ “unhealthy” is a sure way to get trapped in the all-or-nothing perfectionist mentality society promotes. The truth lies in moderation and balance; just like you don’t get “fit” from eating one salad and doing one workout, you will not get “unfit” from eating one “bad” meal or skipping one workout.

The “all-or-nothing” philosophy makes people feel horrible if they think they made a ‘bad’ choice. I’ve heard tons of women say : “I ate _____! God, I am so bad.” Though I agree that some amount of “food guilt” is natural, I strongly believe that a lot of us end up feeling much worse than just the normal “little bit.”

So many of us let “food guilt” spiral into food shame. “I am a bad person for eating that.” “I am a failure because I didn’t go to the gym.” “God, I suck. I can’t keep food out of my mouth. How am I ever going to look like that?” Food choices don’t make you a bad person – but that is how many people, especially women, talk to themselves. We have to be very careful with “food guilt” as it can quickly become disordered and debilitating.

So, let’s ~~ditch the shame~~, and…get back on track!

My Tips for Getting Back on Track

1. Meal plan! Let’s get some accountability up in here! Plan what you are going to eat, and go grocery shopping! If you only have healthful food in the house, you will only eat healthful food.

2. Is there a certain food that’s been tripping your diet up? Let’s have a mini-lent. Give up something that’s been screwing up your diet for 10 days. This is not about restriction. This is about regaining confidence in your ability to choose. You are not helpless. You are powerful!

3. While you are out grocery shopping, get yourself a huge gallon/water bottles of spring water. H20 is going to become your best friend! Drinking water aids in removing toxins from the body, which will be necessary if you’ve had a particularly rough binge period. It also helps in hydrating, elevating mood, and reducing the number on the scales by preventing water retention!

4. Let’s get some zZzZzZz’s! Try to be in bed earlier and attain more sleep so that you can feel well-rested, and ready to tackle on the new week! Getting 7-8 hrs of sleep/night has been linked to a reduction in overall BMI and weight ❤

5. Plan your workouts! Make a little chart for the week, and know which workout you are going to be doing on what day 🙂 Take out your markers, stickers, and make it beautiful! Hang it up 🙂 Put it in your workout binder. Try to make this as specific as possible.

6. Remember to congratulate yourself/give yourself compliments each time you abide by your meal plan/workout plan! A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. I promise. Before each planned meal/workout, whisper to yourself: “I am actively choosing to abide by the plan I have made.” Once you are finished with your planned meal/planned workout, whisper to yourself once more: “Yay! I did it! I knew I was strong enough to do this!”

7. Avoid weighing yourself, or doing any sort of progress “tests” till after getting back on track. You do not need to assess the damage to fix it. Please please please veer away from measuring yourself, trying on that skinny pair of jeans in your closet, or taking progress pictures. If you have had a particularly rough eating period, your body may be holding onto water weight. Common “binge foods” are usually really high in sodium or sugar which both contribute to water retention. You do not need the scale to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do.

8. Take a yoga class. If you cannot afford a yoga class, or if you do not have access to local yoga studios offering classes, visit youtube. Search some meditative yin-yoga or vinyasa flow yoga. Try to do this for at least 20-60 minutes, and remember to focus on your breath. “By its very nature, the breath is not graspable; there is nothing at all to hold on to. Our breath, therefore, provides an immediate connection with impermanence as we experience it by continually arising and dissolving back into space. Using the breath as the object of meditation introduces us to the fundamental groundlessness of life. It allows us to experience letting go.”

9. Buy a “get well soon” card for yourself, and write yourself a letter. In the card, speak to yourself as if you were speaking to a best friend. Explain that you understand that you have been going through a hard time, and that you also acknowledge how down you may be feeling. At the same time, however, remind yourself of the immense courage that lies within you. If you don’t feel that you are ready to do this activity for yourself, buy a few “I’m thinking of you” cards and write thoughtful letters to a few close friends letting them know that you are thinking of them. Kindness has a way of accidentally spilling happiness into any circumstance!

10. This one is my favorite! POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS! ❤ Make a vision board of yummy positive affirmations that help you feel good, and remind you to be gentle with yourself. If you are short on time, just create a folder on your laptop, and download pictures from the Internet that remind you to forgive yourself. I am going to post a few from my own folder to get you started ❤

FAVORITE! Seriously, say this to yourself, over and over and over and over and over again! Okay. Now say it one more time. So important!

Forgiveness is so powerful! It is the quality of leaders!

Remember that in order to be all the "good things", you have to go through the bad things. This rough time means that you're one step closer to being more AWESOME! — Remember that in order to be all the “good things”, you have to go through the bad things. This rough time means that you’re one step closer to being more AWESOME!

This one always makes me smile! Imagine the freedom baby! Do you want to be free? I know I do!

Seriously. How well has hating yourself been working out for you? Einstein said that "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Let's not be insane and try something different :) — Seriously. How well has hating yourself been working out for you? Einstein said that “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Let’s not be insane and try something different 🙂

This one is a good one to remember in terms of whatever you're going through! All the "not-so-good" feelings are just a precursor to MAGIC! — This one is a good one to remember in terms of whatever you’re going through! All the “not-so-good” feelings are just a precursor to MAGIC!

So true! The only diet that will ever work will be one that includes self-love.

A quick and easy affirmation to lead each day with!

Think of your favorite fitness guru. They are pretty freaking awesome right? Well, guess what? They are made up of the same magical stuff that you are.

Are you going to act out of fear or love today?

This is a good old simple reminder to all of us. This is not our first mistake. This will not be our last one either. We are young, and we are all children of the universe. We are going to screw up...a lot. — This is a good old simple reminder to all of us. This is not our first mistake. This will not be our last one either. We are young, and we are all children of the universe. We are going to screw up…a lot.

No one has the right to make you feel worthless. Not even you.

If you are really deep in shame, and the preceding pictures were unable to help you, then I know one thing for sure. You are ready to get past this hell of a period. Are you ready to leave it all behind? Well guess what you have to do? FORGIVE YOURSELF.

This one is going to work for everyone. If you cannot seem to forgive yourself, regardless of what you say or do. Do this: Accept that you cannot forgive yourself, and FORGIVE yourself for not being able to forgive yourself. You are free.

❤ YAY! WE ARE ALL FORGIVEN ❤

So, in summary:

< 3

Fitness

Drop it like it’s hot!

August 10, 2014 mahamabidtalent 4 Comments

Here’s a little background on my journey. Prior to getting married, I had always been in the 110-115 lb range at my near 5’5 frame. I was living at home, eating home-cooked food, and consequently, had some regularity in my meals and, therefore, my weight.

Recent picture in the same outfit (different jean size of course)

After getting married and moving to a bigger city, I was introduced to drive-thru krispy kreme’s and smoothie places. Needless to say, it was lust at first sight.

Another thing working against me was that I did not know how to cook especially well; this meant going out to eat a lot. And, frankly, come on! I moved to New Orleans- the city of Cajun friend food! So, I ate. And I ate. And I ate.

A few months after getting married, I went back to my hometown and started getting a few remarks about how “chubby” I had gotten. This was a new thing for me, as my whole life, I had never been told that I was “chunky” or “chubby.” I became especially self-conscious, and decided to step on a scale for the first time in months. 131 lbs stared back at me. I had gained 15-20 lbs in just three months! ~~WHAT????????~~

Yeah, Okay! I know that’s not overweight. I realize that its not “too much.” But, I didn’t like the way I looked, and more so, I didn’t like the way I felt. So, I set out to make a few changes.

Over the next year, I went from 131 lbs to a fragile 96 lbs. I didn’t realize that I had plummeted to such an unhealthy weight range, until I visited my primary care physician for my annual check up. I was unaware of my weight loss, because I had stopped weighing myself. I was only tracking my progress based on measurements and the way my clothes fit.

Needless to say, after that doctors visit, I kinda freaked out. (shoutout to my patient husband, who picked me up and calmed my bawling self down 😉 ). I, then, set out to return to a state of balance, remaining careful in my journey, as I wanted to gain the weight back in muscle mass. I did not want to pack on lbs of fat as I had done before. Consequently, I added weight training into my predominantly cardio regimen, and began to incorporate more protein sources into my diet. I steadily gained muscle over the course of the next 6 months.

This brings us to current times :). I haven’t weighed myself in a few months. However, the last time I was keeping track, my weight seemed to stay between 104-108 lbs (this was in late April 2014). I don’t like weighing myself anymore, as that is a slippery slope for someone like me, who tends to get trapped in the “perfectionism” cycle easily.

Notice that my pre-wedding weight was around 110-115 lbs; this is close to the 104-108 lb range I was in a few months ago.

Look at how different the recent pictures look from the very first pictures in this post. That should be a testament to the fact that weight isn’t everything. 110 lbs of predominantly muscle looks starkly different from 110 lbs of predominantly fat.

I wasn’t always able to jump around from bench to bench like a lemur. I wasn’t always able to do pushups, or chin ups. I was not always able to run for an hour. So what is my secret? What did I do? Well, read on!

Change #1

I cut out almost 60% of refined, processed WHITE carbohydrates. This was probably one of the biggest, and initially one of the HARDEST changes I made. Don’t you love how those two things usually go together? Anyway, I stopped eating white rice, white bread, doughnuts, cookies, etc. Please note that this did not happen overnight. I did not go “cold-turkey” or shift to an all-or-nothing sort of mindset. In fact, I am munching on Lorna Doone shortbread cookies as I write this. PS- they are delicious.

Personally speaking, I do not think quitting something entirely is sustainable, or even “healthy”. It may be more healthful for the body, however, I don’t see this restrictive type of thinking as beneficial to the mind. As someone who already struggles with perfectionism, it is extremely important for me to steer away from the “nevers”,”always” and “forevers”; It is truly a minute-to-minute struggle to remind myself to live in moderation.

Anyway, I simply began to reduce my intake of “white carbohydrates.” I remember that, at first, I replaced them with brown rice and wheat bread. As time went on, I replaced the brown rice with quinoa and I actually stopped craving bread altogether. If I had to choose, most of my weight reduction was a result of this change.

Change #2

The first “excercise tool” I purchased was not some fancy sportswatch; instead, it was a $5 pedometer. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that is, it is a simple tool that counts the steps you take each day. I began by tracking how many steps I walk in a typical day, and started to increase that number the next day. So, each day I was walking more than the day before. The key to this is holding yourself accountable. I remember that some days,I had to drag myself out of bed to go walk around the house one more time, so that the number of steps I took was at least 1 step greater than the day before. Since this was an active goal, it inadvertently led me to park further in parking lots and to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Change #3

I started a food journal! I started recording the calories in the foods I was eating. Since weight loss, at its basis, results from a caloric deficit (taking in less than you burn), food logging was very helpful. Now, I do have to say that this can easily become obsessive, so I have a tip for you. I want you to to start thinking of caloric deficits on a weekly instead of daily basis. How many calories are you eating per week? How many calories are you burning per week? After you’ve answered these questions, try to create a deficit of at 1300-2500 calories in the number every proceeding week. Continue this, till you have reached your target body type. The reason I recommend doing this on a weekly basis is for enhanced sustainability. It becomes really hard not to beat yourself about having a “bad day” if you focus too much on daily calories. There will be days where you eat more. There will be days where you eat less. Consequently, it is more sustainable and healthy to assess your nutrition progress weekly.

Change #4

Oh this is going to be a kicker for so many of you–guess what? I stopped weighing myself. Take your measuring tapes, and cameras out, and throw your scale out the window (don’t do this if you live on the 2nd or 3rd floor lol). Weigh-ins can become really depleting, and may lead you to feel dejected. Sustainable weight loss is slow. The reason I said “sustainable” is because people can starve themselves for a few weeks, and drop tons of weight, however, once they start re-feeding, the gains will be back. True, lasting, weight loss is slow and steady, especially if you are trying to maintain it. If you weigh yourself, and don’t see that “magical number” we all create in our heads, it can become sadly easy to give up, and return to old habits.

Change #5

Only after making the above-mentioned changes, did I get a membership to the gym, and make any active attempts towards exercising. The first exercise program I ever tried in attempt to lose weight was Sean T’s Insanity. Yes, I did lose weight on it, however, it is an extremely challenging fitness program. I felt like I was going to die during the WARMUP. I finished Sean T’s insanity, and joined the local gym. There, I began to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day. This also assisted in further weight loss. As I felt more comfortable , I started venturing out to the elliptical machines, and began to take spin classes. These were all very helpful. I will say this, however: if you decide to take spin classes, please be careful about raising the resistance too high, as this may cause your quads/thighs to bulk up.

Important Point: Long-duration cardio (>25 minutes) is going to be your main arsenal when it comes to weight loss. This is predominantly all I did when I first started my fitness journey. The thing with cardio is that it will initiate you losing “weight”; this means that you’re going to be losing fat but also some muscle.

Important Point: Spot reduction is not possible. We cannot say: “doughnuts go to my butt, and cardio, subtract from my belly.” It simply does not work that way. When the body loses weight, it loses weight evenly. You can do ab excercises all day and night, and have a 6-pack. You will not be able to see that 6 pack, unless you employ cardio to help decrease the layer of adipose tissue, or fat, that covers that muscle group.

Change #6

My heaviest “carb” meal, to this day, is still breakfast, or my “pre-workout meal”. This way, I utilize most of the food that I eat throughout the day. For dinner, I have mostly protein and vegetables. I don’t need heavy carbs during the night, as my activity level is going to be low.

Change #7

Portion sizing goes a long way! Simply reduce the portions you take- even if it is just by a little bit. Subtracting a ton of “little bits” eventually add up to a lot of weight loss. Rule of thumb: the amount of grainy carbs you eat in one meal should be, at max, the size of one fist.

Change #8

Alright, alright. Warning! if you are a healthnut reading this, you are not going to like this change. When I first started on my fitness journey, I started “replacing” foods solely based on the caloric value. I didn’t care if the replacement was all natural, organic, vegan, gluten free etc. Since my initial goal was weight loss, I was only concerned about taking in a lower amount of calories. Consequently, I started replacing normal cookies with 100-calorie Lorna doone packets or 90 calorie special k cereal bars. I started replacing whole milk with unsweetened almond milk. I replaced sugar with stevia, and white bread with low calorie multigrain crackers. I’ve gotten more health-oriented now, however, this post is not about me now, it is about when I first started.

So, here you go. This highly-requested blog post is almost done. I haven’t told you guys my #1 secret though.

So, here goes: There is no way that I would have been able to do this if I had come from a place of extreme self-loathing. It is one thing to WANT to change; it is another thing to hate yourself through the whole journey.

You will NEVER be able to accomplish anything if your motivation is from a hateful, critical place. It is not sustainable. How far can a horse run if you keep whipping it harshly across the back? It may run faster, at first, out of fear and shock. In the long run, however, it will slow down, and eventually, fall to the crippling pressure. So, please, don’t set yourself up for failure.

I love you ❤ Please remember to love you too!

Body image & self esteem

All it takes is all you’ve got

August 4, 2014 mahamabidtalent 1 Comment

Ever heard someone say: “you’re all you’ve got”?

Yeah. Yeah. We hear it all the time. A part of us may even register that when we get down to the literal aspect of things, we really are all we have. We are the ones who inhale the oxygen, break down food into usable energy, and use water to sustain our literal lives.

Let’s change one word in the above mentioned statement.

How about “you’re all you NEED”?

Like me, some of you may agree with that statement. I mean, I KNOW that it’s true. I think most of us do. But, how many of us can say that we truly, without a doubt, BELIEVE that we are all we need?– that we possess all the resources, connections, and tools we need to, not just, survive but to create a fulfilling and meaningful life?

Do you believe it? Would you like to believe it?

How ironic is it that in the most significant moments of our lives, we are alone? When we come out of our mothers womb, we are alone. When we are faced with death, we are alone. We came into this world with no one, and we will leave with no one.

What if we truly are strong enough to deal with life? And not just deal with it–but really mold a colorful, and beautiful one?

I think that if we truly believed that we are all we really need—that we are enough, there would be much less fear in the world. Violence, hatred, envy, harm—these are all sons and daughters of fear.

On a global level, fear has been masked as tyranny and terrorism. We only feel the need to oppress other beings because we feel threatened. We “need” to create a hierarchy so that we can establish that “I am stronger/higher/smarter/better than you.” But, why would we need to assert our control over others if we believed that we were enough, by ourselves?

On a more individual level, fear has refracted into countless rays: addictions, abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders. You name it. Why would we need to turn to alcohol, drugs, food, other people, and other things if we, 100%, believed that we were enough—that everything we needed to create a meaningful and satisfying life was already within us?

I really want us to think about that statement. What if all the things we have ever wanted and have been within us this since the day we were born? Entertain this thought with me, for a second.

If that was truly the case, the first change we would see within individuals, within families, and consequently, within the world would be a reduction in fear. There would be markedly less frantic, fearful, hasty energy demolishing Mother Earth.

Imagine how it would feel to really believe that… to believe that you are all you need. You are enough.

In fact, I want all of you to do something silly with me.

I want all of you to scream “hello”, loud inside your head. Let it ring inside of you.

“H-E-L-L-O-!”

Notice, that there are two different presences inside of you. There is a voice that bellowed “hello”, and there was a different presence that, simultaneously, heard the “hello.”

There was a voice that spoke, and there was a voice that listened.

So often, the only voice we hear is the loud one–the one that speaks, barks, criticizes, ridicules, judges. What about the other voice? The one that isn’t as charged? The one that resides in the deepest part of us, and simply observes.

I want to share something with you, girls. I wrote a letter for you. From you to you. From me to me.

I want for the wise voice within you that listens to say these words to the frightened, panicked voice that, so often, speaks.

I know. I hear you. I know it feels like the world is going to crumble sometimes. I’m hearing your panic. I’m hearing your voice. No one is ignoring you. I’m here. It is going to be okay. I know that a part of you is petrified. And, I so, wholeheartedly appreciate and honor that part. Look at how brilliantly resilient you are! Look at you throwing these resourceful solutions to me about turning to alcohol, or drugs, or food, or other addictions. I don’t hate you for saying those things. I don’t think you’re bad for saying them.

Instead, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for trying to protect me. I want to thank you for sensing that I’m scared, and I want to thank you for trying to resolve the fear in ways that we’ve previously dealt with it. But angel, I need you to hear me when I say that it’s safe. You are okay. You are going to be loved and accepted. You already are. You deserve to be cared for, to be loved, and valued. And I am here to take care of you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. Nothing you can/will do is going to make me turn away from you this time.

I realize that its going to take you a little bit of time to realize that I am here to stay. But I am no longer going to ignore you, or push you into the dark. I am not going to beat your bones till they are broken, or mentally annihilate you. You are and never were bad, wrong, or not enough. Deep down, I know that all you’ve ever wanted was to feel okay—to feel loved, accepted and cared for.

You want to feel like you have a home. You want to be accepted, understood, and valued for just being you, at this moment in time—no expectations, no strings attached. There will be no more: “I love you when’s…” You are enough, now. And no matter how scary that is, I want you to know that I am working on accepting and loving you the way you desire.

I am making the choice to take care of you, and to honor you. You may not have received that essential love, approval, and value when you were only a child. But you grew up. I grew up. A part of me is capable of helping you now—for giving you all that you have ever wanted.

I’ll need your help. Will you help me, sweetheart?

I’m not asking for you to discard your fears, or your concerns about being alone. Being isolated, alone, and abandoned are really scary things. I am not asking you to throw away your apprehensions, because I know that this situation is unfamiliar. For so long, I have pushed you away; this fearful relationship between us is what has kept us functioning. This is how you survived. This is how WE survived. But I am imploring with you to allow me to reach out to you now. I’m asking your permission to let me in.

I am not your best friend who betrayed you. I am not your mother who abused you. I am not the boyfriend who cheated on you. I am none of those people that hurt you in the past. I know that I may have pushed you away, but I want you to know that it was NEVER because I wanted to hurt you. It was never because I thought not you were bad, unworthy or unlovable. It was and has always been about me being scared too. I pushed you away because the intensity with which you need me scares me.

I don’t know how to handle the loneliness you feel. I am afraid that I won’t be able to be enough for you—that I’ll fail you.

I know it’s a risk. It’s a really scary thought to think that, together, we can make it. But if you give me a chance, I am willing to understand and try to be what you need. I will not let you down. I will fight for you.

I’m here now, telling you that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live wholly and fully. I realize that you’re scared to hope, because a lot has been taken away from you. It’s been really hard. You’ve had to shut off so many parts of yourself to make it this far.

I’m so thankful to you for allowing me to feel your pain. I honor your apprehension but I see the immense courage that you already have. I’m so amazed at your strength. Your will to survive, and to be heard is incomparably astounding. You never gave up. You may have tried to feel loved, accepted, and cared for in really bizarre and maladaptive ways, but you never gave up. I am so thankful to you for not giving up despite what other people said, or what circumstances brought.

I am most thankful, however, that you did not give up on being heard, despite how cruel I was to you. I know that I am not perfect, but I am willing to try. I am here to tell you that I am willing to try to accept you, to love you, and to show you, that together, we are enough. We are all we’ve got, and we are all we need.

	slimming legs runnin… on Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bu…
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abidmaham

Tag Archives: fitgirls

Change: How the HECK will I survive this?

Pregnancy and Fitness!

Why am I not getting results?

Being “not okay”

My biggest FEAR

Poochy tummies and big thighs

CARDIO: all you need to know!

Let’s get back on track!

Drop it like it’s hot!

All it takes is all you’ve got

Learning to stay human.

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Learning to stay human.