I know I’ve been posting a lot about the “highlights” of my journey. However, I don’t want to promote toxic positivity; in reality, my journey really has been a roller coaster ride; ever since I found out that I had PCOS, which naturally perpetuated insulin resistance, my world and body have made a complete 180.
Or that’s what I’d ideally like to think.
I have made some serious changes to my diet and exercise. The amount of discipline I’ve dedicated to restoring my health has been somewhat of a shock to me. Honestly, at the beginning of April, I wondered if I’d ever be able to stick with a routine.
Don’t get me wrong. I AM proud of myself.
But, today is just not one of those days I feel that way.
Have you ever cued into your body’s messages and realized that something feels off–like you’re off-centered, or off-balance?
Yet, for the life of it, you cannot seem to pinpoint the concrete event that triggered that feeling in the first place.
Today, I’ve been experiencing unsettling sensations in my body. I can feel, intuitively, that something has triggered me; however, I can’t seem to place my thumb on what that trigger was. These icky sensations have started to manifest themselves physiologically as well.
I feel like I got hit by a train today. That’s especially strange since yesterday was a rest day; my body “should” be feeling rejuvenated but it doesn’t. I’ve felt more fatigued today than I have in the last 30 days. So much so that I had to call out of work as I was barely able to wake up.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!?
It’s so strange because if I witness my mind, I can catch myself wandering towards self-sabotage. An odd feeling; I encourage everyone to try it. It’s like having an out-of-body experience. You start having thoughts like:
Whoa! “Maham” really wants to act on the urge to self sabotage. “Maham” is feeling really upset. “Maham is wanting to act out.”…
Speaking of acting out, I ate all the carbs I could today.
Even though, I knew they would make me feel horrible. And they did.
My body literally sent them right back up, and out. And you know what I did afterwards?
EAT MORE CARBS.
WTF
So with that knowledge, most would find it reasonable to go on a run, take a good pilates class, or engage in some HIIT; most would move towards the direction of improving their present situation.
But not me.
I have continued lying in bed, in and out of sleep, literally paralyzed with this insidious feeling of unease.
And it’s not because I have no one to share these painful feelings with. It’s more of an inability to ACTUALLY get myself to a place where I feel courageous enough to be seen & heard.
It feels like crazymaking when you can acknowledge the support system around you, and STILL not utilize it.
This “off” feeling is undoubtedly affecting my relationship with Ayrah– which honestly leads tomy feeling even more worthless.
I swear, children are so intuitive; nothing gets past them. I’ve seen it happen with infants, toddlers, elementary school children and even our middle schoolers. Similarly, I can try and put on my best facade for Ayrah, but she can read right through the BS to my true energy.
The million dollar question…
WHY has some part of me become hellbent on destroying the progress I’ve made?
I…don’t know.
that is the most authentic answer I can give to all of you and myself right now.
I don’t know about yall, but not “knowing” makes me feel even more nervous. Uncertainty and I still are building a relationship. On my best days, I’m able to tolerate it. That’s it though.
There has been no embracing it with open arms or making it an ally 🚫
and then I get so HARD on myself….!
I “should” know right? I “should” be able to pick myself up out of this one random overcast day, right?
I should–especially because I have a Masters in this “mind stuff”. I’ve been taught the stuff to say, the interventions to use, given the worksheets to utilize and skills to practice….
If I was trained & entrusted with helping others walk through their uncertainty & triggers, shouldn’t i just be able do it for myself???
……
But I can’t.
THAT is the confounding paradox.
Something is wrong. I don’t know what it is. But, I feel it with such a powerful intuition! For my yogis, and reiki companions, I feel a palpable blockage in my throat and heart chakras. It’s like there’s a disruption between what my heart is feeling and my ability to communicate it to my environment 🌏
It feels like there is a frog in my throat. Like each time I attempt to speak up, the “cat gets my tongue” and I’m left a blubbering mess.
I feel similar to what Hansel & Gretel might’ve felt–I’m trying to find my way to a specific, concrete destination while not knowing where/what it is.
It’s interesting becauseI can tell my body is trying to communicate with me. I find the unsettling somatic sensations analogous to the bread-crumbs that Hansel and Gretel dropped on their path. They are clues that are meant to lead me back home. These visit sensations are trying, relentlessly, to communicate with me. They are constantly alerting me of the deviation from our natural emotional homeostasis.
I don’t know about you, but I often find myself starting to let shame slip through the doors during times like this. It’s hard not to.
The inner critic takes center stage and starts declaring these statements that sound ludicrous, that are ludicrous, and yet somehow…they still affect me.
“Omg! You ate a mini can of Pringles today…all your progress is ruined.! You’re a failure. Save yourself the dissapointment of keeping up with a healthy diet or workout routine, because we both know you’re going to fail. Do you want to feel that worthless again? So stop while youre ahead.”
When I type it out, it sounds crazy; I know it does.
What’s even crazier is that when it’s not typed out–and instead, fired directly from my brain to my body, without enough time for reflection, I actually start to BELIEVE the unreasonable monologue.
I know that a lot of people who have experienced trauma go through similar experiences. Trauma tends to fragment our thoughts, emotions and sensations in an attempt to protect us from overwhelming pain. The final part of trauma recovery involves the integration of these “compartments” and I can’t honestly say that I have completed full reintegration. Sure, there are times when I feel more integrated than others. however, at times like this…I feel at a loss
.
Many trauma researchers have theorized that painful emotions during a traumatic event usually get stored in the body as tension and pain. If not treated, these may lead to the onset of physical diseases.
Consequently, it makes perfect sense that the body could experience discomfort long before the mind can subconsciously pull out, and identify the focalized trigger or cascade of events that caused the unsettling sensations in the first place.
If you haven’t already, I highly recommend my friends undergoing trauma recovery to pick this book up. It is a life changer!
Sigh– since I’m at a loss, I’m going to throw it out to you guys!
What do you do if/when you feel this way?
I am trying to practice self-compassion but I feel so much shame—especially in the motherhood arena.
I get Ayrah only during the holidays so I put this extra pressure on myself to ENJOY and spend every single moment with her. It’s unrealistic.
and when I’m unable to do so, I feel like I’m a horrible mother. i feel like a failure. I feel like I’m inflicting these massive, irreversible wounds of abandonment or trauma in my child. But I KNOW that children are resilient. I KNOW that you don’t have to be the perfect parent; you just have to be ENOUGH. But KNOWING those things is not enough to stop the distorted thoughts from morphing into deep shame.
“Look at you…”, my mind snarls, “you go teach other parents’ kids all day long–you give them your best, only to come home to your child completely depleted, drained, and grumpy. She gets to have ethe worst of you. Great job, Maham.”
“And oh yeah, let’s not forget that you don’t even get for the whole year. She’ll be gone by the end of the summer, probably thanking God that she doesn’t have to be around a wreck of a mother.”
Thoughts like these create that dreaded negative feedback loop, where my belief of failing keeps me from being authentic and present with my child. When I’m not transparent with Ayrah, she can sense it and I know she can sense it. That just results in my confirming the “belief” that I’m a “failure”. And round and round we go…
till it bleeds into every and ANY interaction I have with my wonderful, magnificent daughter.
For now, I’m going to ride this wave out, let the emotions move through me, deliver their messages and move OUT of me. I want to keep you all updated as it helps me stay accountable.
In the meantime, I’d really appreciate any advice, ideas or suggestions about how you’ve managed to stay “relatively” sane through these ” emotional ruts”. And if you don’t have any, it would mean so much to me if you could practice enough vulnerability and share similar struggles that you may have had. Brene Brown, renowned author and sociologist, states that the most POWERFUL words we can communicate to one another during a time of pain or shame are “Me too”. I believe this is because it helps normalize the icky feelings we all may feel from time to time. For me, it lets me know that I’m not crazy or alone in feeling these ways at times. I hope its okay to KNOW what to do yet still not quite have mustered the motivation to actually implement it.
Would ❤️ to hear from you,
Till tomorrow—here is to hoping I don’t eat the entire Costco box of all the Pringles containers by the AM 😉
It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.
So, why haven’t I really written?
Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.
There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.
I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”
I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.
“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”
Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”
Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.
I am not worthless. I am human.
I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.
And that is okay.
But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.
And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!
Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.
Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?
I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.
As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.
Why doesn’t this apply to me?
Because I’m the antichrist. Right?
I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!
Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.
What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.
So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.
All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?
The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.
However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?
Wrong.
–Sigh-
Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if weshared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.
And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.
Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.
So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in. I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.
I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.
But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.
abidmaham 