It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.
So, why haven’t I really written?
Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.
There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.
I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”
I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.
“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”
Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”
Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.
I am not worthless. I am human.
I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.
And that is okay.
But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.
And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!
Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.
Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?
I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.
As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.
Why doesn’t this apply to me?
Because I’m the antichrist. Right?
I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!
Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.
What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.
So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.
All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?
The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.
However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?
Wrong.
–Sigh-
Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if weshared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.
And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.
Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.
So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in. I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.
I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.
But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.
I had planned for this post to be about foam-rolling, and though that will be coming soon, it will not be coming today. As I sat down to write this blog post, I found that my heart was somewhere else. So, I decided to loosely follow the direction of my heart, as writing about anything that is not my raw, unfiltered experience would be a disservice to both you and I.
Today, I want to talk about nothingness.
I have a really hard time being still. And no, I promise its not because I have attention deficit disorder. My fear resides in a more philosophical dwelling. The fear of “being” has plagued me for as long as I can remember. As a child, most of my nightmares consisted of not doing anything. And not doing anything consisted of not being “seen”, heard, or noticed. If others did not notice me, would I even exist? Furthermore, if I ceased to exist, what would I be? Would I be nothing?
To this day, my mind responds with silence.
And, I’m fearful of its silence too.
As a result, I have found safety and comfort in “doing.” Whether it’s going to school, maintaining activity at the gym, or simply attempting to keep up with the springing dynamic thoughts in my mind, I am always moving.
I have built a tenuous home in chaotic motion. I suppose, “doing” something all the time grants me some degree of disillusionment from my deepest and darkest fears; mobility serves as a relieving distraction from my ultimate fear of being still. Upon reflection, I suppose that I have equated “being” with nothingness. I am not exactly sure how, when or why that association was made, but somehow my neurons fired enough times to solidify the link between the two concepts.
Is “being” nothingness? If I am still, am I still there?
Stillness.
My mind does not care to respond.
I feel that ever-familiar gulp climbing up my throat; the nervous butterflies in my stomach are beginning to commence their anxious waltz. I am afraid. I don’t want to go there.
As a teenager, I invented drama where there was none. I thrived on intensity. I was never just “unhappy”, I was in painful anguish. I was never simply “satisfied”, I was in exuberant delight! Even ephemeral colds and flu’s seemed like cancer. I lived in great swoops of emotion. Up and down. Down and up. It made me feel something! It was a reminder that I was alive. I fretted that if I were simply “unhappy,” people wouldn’t notice or care. I had to create commotion to attain validation!
Only the stuff of soap operas gains attention, care and concern. Right?
Wrong.
At 19, I met my husband and we began the process of an arranged marriage. Don’t let our current state of contentment fool you. Our first 6 months felt like “misery” to me. In retrospect, I can identify that they were normalized and necessary adjustment points, but, of course, to me, Maham, the soap opera star, they felt like unadulterated agony. For those of you that don’t know, my husband is one of the most stable and satisfied people I have ever met. If I were a leaf blowing around with whichever direction of the wind, my husband was and is a sturdy boulder.
I remember the early parts of our relationship. Oh! I wanted him to love me with urgency and passion. I wanted our relationship to be a fabulous theatrical love story. I wanted all the elements of “The Notebook”, I wanted rage, grief, hope, ecstasy, longing—and I wanted all that every single day, for forever and always. Isn’t that what love is?
Isn’t love chaotic movement? If we are not wanting, longing, fighting and craving, what is left? What is left underneath all of that? Will love still be there? Or will it be nothing?
Do you see a common theme yet?
Once more, my fear of nothingness and stillness peeks its maniacal head out. And to some degree, it always will.
Contentment is unimaginable. Satisfaction is frightening. If our deepest selves are afraid of being still we will find a way to suffer being with another person, regardless of the nobility of their character.
But, here’s a troubling concept to ponder: Have I confused longing with love? Is love characterized by aching, wanting, and craving? Or are those characteristics of fleeting passion?
In terms of fitness, life, and relationships, I find that I, often, long for what I don’t have. I want more. I set goals, and I want to achieve them. After I’ve achieved them, I want to set more goals, and work towards achieving them. Though “wanting” is a necessary motivator for change and growth, is it also the birthplace of dissatisfaction and distress?
There is no rest in “wanting.” Craving does not allow room to foster love and acceptance. It cleverly avoids the existential fear of stillness—of NOT craving, of NOT wanting for things that we don’t have.
So what if we were to step back from our endless cycles of doing and overdoing, and doing again? What if we were to look at all that we do have, and love what we have accomplished thus far? What if we were to look at ourselves as whole beings, without wanting to change a thing—even if its just for a fleeting moment? How would that look like? How would that feel?
Dangerous.
Though my “ups” and “downs” are not as fierce and agonizing as they once were, I still struggle with the idea of stillness. I wrote this post because tonight, at 6:30 pm EST, I am taking my first yoga class after a dry spell of a few months.
Me doing a modified wheel pose at the beach
I ceased my practice, as I became more and more afraid of what the mat brings out in me. It brings out comfort in being, it brings out acceptance for the present moment; it brings out satisfaction and contentment with simply being. But isn’t that exactly what I want?
Yes, and no.
It is exactly what I need. However, parts of me are still frightened of the concept of simply being. What I have learned is that peace and contentment are states of being that require practice. They don’t just come when you graduate college, get to your goal weight, or finish a workout regimen. They don’t magically appear in your new office, your new car, or your new job. They are feelings that require consistent practice to achieve.
I have come a long way since I was a teenager, and though, I still have heaps of room left for improvement, I want to take the time to truly appreciate how far I’ve come. I am thankful for my health, for my legs that can support me from one adventure to the next. I am thankful for my body and my heart; they adapt so beautifully to all the stressful changes life places on them. I am even thankful for my consistently fretting, and worrying mind; its desire to protect me is indomitable and truly admirable! I am thankful for all the little oddities, and imperfections in my soul and appearance. I know that weaknesses are just strengths in the wrong environment.
And, just like that, I’m a little less scared.
Because what if I’m wrong?
What if, behind all that wanting, doing, craving, longing, fighting, dieting, exercising, studying, analyzing, and criticizing, there issomething. Perhaps, behind the endless “doing”, there is EVERYTHING. Perhaps, underneath stillness, there is a place that is truly ALIVE with peaceful satisfying gratitude.
Perhaps, you and I can find endless freedom there.
❤
PS- I would love it if you commented and let me know that I’m not the only one who feels this way or share your biggest fears with me ;P
There is so much relief that comes from not fighting the currents of this life. It’s so nice not having to swim against the tide, and instead spend time floating atop the water. Relinquish control and place your trust in the wisdom of this large ocean. I promise its sage, erudite currents will safely deliver you and I to our next magnificent destination.
When I feel that my energy is off balance, I love sitting outside and thinking.
You know the feeling I’m talking about! A certain chakra in your body lets you know that something isn’t right; you may not be able to put your finger on it, but you intuitively feel that something is amiss. We all seem to feel certain things when our core energies are misaligned with that of the magnamonious universe.
However, some of us resort to deal with the resultant anxiety through familiar maladaptive coping mechanisms; there are the obvious ones such as self-harm, substance abuse, eating disorders, and other obsessive-compulsive tendencies. But then, there are the subtle addictions we use to cope–we may drown ourselves in our careers or an activity; we may foster codependency in our intimate relationships; we may inaccurately project our “identity” onto our children; we may become overly dependent on the approval of others…etc.
It is okay if you have used one of the preceding mechanisms to cope before. I have used several. This makes you like the 7 billion others of us ❤ It is human nature to act in a manner that reduces anxiety. So, when faced with these unavoidable distressful feelings, what do we do? What do you do?
I drown in the earth.
Sometimes, I literally build a small “earth castle” around my silhouette, and lay in the earth, allowing my body to absorb its majestic healing energy.
yes. this happens.
My body, mind and soul seem to function most efficiently when I’m outdoors. Sitting down and having tea with the world allows me to experience some of the mostpeaceful feelings I have stumbled upon yet. I just sit on the ground and look all around me until I become a mere observer.
Quietly, I survey and inhale all the yummy sounds, sights and smells around me, all the while rejoicing in my delightful contact with Mother Earth. I continue to lovingly enfold in her arms, until I unknowingly abandon the confining box of my biased preconceptions and charged views about the world; I return to a neutral state of “being.”
Life is bigger than me.
I begin to notice the wisdom and beauty of nature all around me and I feel so marvelously miniscule compared to everything else. I realize, then, that I’m just one little girl in this big, big universe–that I will spend my allotted time here and leave this confusing but nevertheless beautiful place, just like all those before me.
I smile and look at the trees, the sky,ground and the grass as I’m endowed with unshakable certainty that they are all supporting me. They are watching over me like omniscient guardians. And I am grateful.
Even when unexpected and seemingly “dreadful” events conspire, I know that, ultimately, the universe is taking care of me, and guiding me towards the extraordinary path that has always been destined for me. I had a purpose before anyone, including myself, had an opinion about it ❤
Ah! And, as I slowly arrive to this realization once more, the sweet butterflies commence their excited and eager waltz within my stomach! I begin to have this overwhelming feeling of faith–in this world, it’s creatures and its people. And, I notice a newfound appreciation for myself–because, even I, small little Maham Abid, am part of something so much bigger and more significant than myself.
I begin to have so much compassion for all of humanity, and how fervidly we attempt to guard the delectable delicacies of this life–its gifts of happiness, love and trust. But, each one of us will neglect these bounties at some point, as we are imperfect; we can’t always understand and take care of all these cherished but ever-so-fragile gifts. We can only try our best.
Isn’t that what we are all doing? (though some in more twisted, incomprehensible ways than others)? No matter how different we may appear to be, we are all doing the best we can to survive the many powerful, and inevitable forces of life. Day and night, each one of us strives towards the same goal; we all want to make it.
This understanding gives me the power to rise above smaller battles and find forgivenenss for myself and all other people in this big complex world.
There is only one love. I was born in love; I am created of it. Therefore, it is only natural that I must give it wholly, and receive it with open-arms.
Alright, so we all have those days or periods of time where we veer off track–this may be in terms of school work, fitness regimens, or keeping up with close connections. Today, I want to talk about getting off track in terms of fitness. We may have days of “bad eating” or skipping workouts. This is expected, normal and part of the process.
Labeling food as “good” or “bad” or “healthy”/ “unhealthy” is a sure way to get trapped in the all-or-nothing perfectionist mentality society promotes. The truth lies in moderation and balance; just like you don’t get “fit” from eating one salad and doing one workout, you will not get “unfit” from eating one “bad” meal or skipping one workout.
The “all-or-nothing” philosophy makes people feel horrible if they think they made a ‘bad’ choice. I’ve heard tons of women say : “I ate _____! God, I am so bad.” Though I agree that some amount of “food guilt” is natural, I strongly believe that a lot of us end up feeling much worse than just the normal “little bit.”
So many of us let “food guilt” spiral into food shame. “I am a bad person for eating that.” “I am a failure because I didn’t go to the gym.” “God, I suck. I can’t keep food out of my mouth. How am I ever going to look like that?” Food choices don’t make you a bad person – but that is how many people, especially women, talk to themselves. We have to be very careful with “food guilt” as it can quickly become disordered and debilitating.
So, let’s ditch the shame, and…get back on track!
My Tips for Getting Back on Track
1. Meal plan! Let’s get some accountability up in here! Plan what you are going to eat, and go grocery shopping! If you only have healthful food in the house, you will only eat healthful food.
2. Is there a certain food that’s been tripping your diet up? Let’s have a mini-lent. Give up something that’s been screwing up your diet for 10 days. This is not about restriction. This is about regaining confidence in your ability to choose. You are not helpless. You are powerful!
3. While you are out grocery shopping, get yourself a huge gallon/water bottles of spring water. H20 is going to become your best friend! Drinking water aids in removing toxins from the body, which will be necessary if you’ve had a particularly rough binge period. It also helps in hydrating, elevating mood, and reducing the number on the scales by preventing water retention!
4. Let’s get some zZzZzZz’s! Try to be in bed earlier and attain more sleep so that you can feel well-rested, and ready to tackle on the new week! Getting 7-8 hrs of sleep/night has been linked to a reduction in overall BMI and weight ❤
5. Plan your workouts! Make a little chart for the week, and know which workout you are going to be doing on what day 🙂 Take out your markers, stickers, and make it beautiful! Hang it up 🙂 Put it in your workout binder. Try to make this as specific as possible.
6. Remember to congratulate yourself/give yourself compliments each time you abide by your meal plan/workout plan! A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. I promise. Before each planned meal/workout, whisper to yourself: “I am actively choosing to abide by the plan I have made.” Once you are finished with your planned meal/planned workout, whisper to yourself once more: “Yay! I did it! I knew I was strong enough to do this!”
7. Avoid weighing yourself, or doing any sort of progress “tests” till after getting back on track. You do not need to assess the damage to fix it. Please please please veer away from measuring yourself, trying on that skinny pair of jeans in your closet, or taking progress pictures. If you have had a particularly rough eating period, your body may be holding onto water weight. Common “binge foods” are usually really high in sodium or sugar which both contribute to water retention. You do not need the scale to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do.
8. Take a yoga class. If you cannot afford a yoga class, or if you do not have access to local yoga studios offering classes, visit youtube. Search some meditative yin-yoga or vinyasa flow yoga. Try to do this for at least 20-60 minutes, and remember to focus on your breath. “By its very nature, the breath is not graspable; there is nothing at all to hold on to. Our breath, therefore, provides an immediate connection with impermanence as we experience it by continually arising and dissolving back into space. Using the breath as the object of meditation introduces us to the fundamental groundlessness of life. It allows us to experience letting go.”
9. Buy a “get well soon” card for yourself, and write yourself a letter. In the card, speak to yourself as if you were speaking to a best friend. Explain that you understand that you have been going through a hard time, and that you also acknowledge how down you may be feeling. At the same time, however, remind yourself of the immense courage that lies within you. If you don’t feel that you are ready to do this activity for yourself, buy a few “I’m thinking of you” cards and write thoughtful letters to a few close friends letting them know that you are thinking of them. Kindness has a way of accidentally spilling happiness into any circumstance!
10. This one is my favorite! POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS! ❤ Make a vision board of yummy positive affirmations that help you feel good, and remind you to be gentle with yourself. If you are short on time, just create a folder on your laptop, and download pictures from the Internet that remind you to forgive yourself. I am going to post a few from my own folder to get you started ❤
FAVORITE! Seriously, say this to yourself, over and over and over and over and over again! Okay. Now say it one more time. So important!
Forgiveness is so powerful! It is the quality of leaders!
Remember that in order to be all the “good things”, you have to go through the bad things. This rough time means that you’re one step closer to being more AWESOME!
This one always makes me smile! Imagine the freedom baby! Do you want to be free? I know I do!
Seriously. How well has hating yourself been working out for you? Einstein said that “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Let’s not be insane and try something different 🙂
This one is a good one to remember in terms of whatever you’re going through! All the “not-so-good” feelings are just a precursor to MAGIC!
So true! The only diet that will ever work will be one that includes self-love.
A quick and easy affirmation to lead each day with!
Think of your favorite fitness guru. They are pretty freaking awesome right? Well, guess what? They are made up of the same magical stuff that you are.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing!
Are you going to act out of fear or love today?
This is a good old simple reminder to all of us. This is not our first mistake. This will not be our last one either. We are young, and we are all children of the universe. We are going to screw up…a lot.
No one has the right to make you feel worthless. Not even you.
If you are really deep in shame, and the preceding pictures were unable to help you, then I know one thing for sure. You are ready to get past this hell of a period. Are you ready to leave it all behind? Well guess what you have to do? FORGIVE YOURSELF.
This one is going to work for everyone. If you cannot seem to forgive yourself, regardless of what you say or do. Do this: Accept that you cannot forgive yourself, and FORGIVE yourself for not being able to forgive yourself. You are free.
Lets talk stretching. So many poses. So many stretches. Ya’ll have probably heard the importance of stretching in injury prevention, and in elongation of tight muscles. So, I won’t bore you with information you already know, but I do have to say this: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE TIME TO STRETCH!
I use my legs quite a lot, as the workouts I do are either a)cardio, or b) high intensity plyometric movements (AKA lots of jumping). Consequently, most of my stretches are centered around….tada…my legs!
In my workouts, I usually stretch twice. The first time around, I stretch after doing some light cardio (5 min walk/jog to warm up). I also stretch after finishing my workout. When I’m stretching, I hold each pose for about 30-45 seconds! You should feel a slight pull, and some healthy tension. This is good, as it may be indicative of you increasing your flexibility.
However, it should not HURT or ache in any manner. Please be careful. Don’t go pulling your pretty little muscles!
Without further delay, here are some of my favorite stretches!
This is your basic reach. I repeat this with each leg, and I finish with putting both legs together, and touching my toes!
This is the pigeon-pose. I cross one leg underneath my tummy, and stretch long with the other one. Repeat on the other side.
Hey guess what? You can also get an awesome quad stretch by altering the pigeon pose just a little bit! Yay!
This is a modified version of the basic reach again. Since you’re positioned vertically, this time around, it’s really working the backside of your legs!
Dancer’s pose ❤ Great for an overall leg stretch!
Modified lunge!
The butterfly pose! This is a great inner-thigh stretch! Just hold both feet together, and push your tummy closer to your thighs. Most people do this stretch ineffectively, as they want to get their foreheads to touch their toes. I did this too, until my yoga instructor told me otherwise! The best way to stretch the inner thigh or adductor muscles is to lean your hips/lower tummy towards your thighs. This way, your back remains straight, and unrounded.
This one is great for the hip flexors!!!!! I discovered it recently and I fell in love with it! Cross one leg over the other. Make sure that both of your sit-bones are touching the ground! Now reach as far as you can. You should feel the best kind of pinch in the back of your hip. Bahh. is it obvious that I’m kinda sorta obsessed with this one? And, on the plus side, I feel like a cat doing this pose.
Recently, I’ve been walking down “memory lane” in regards to my intimate relationship with yoga practice.
Me doing a modified wheel pose at the beach
My relationship with yoga was not one that Taylor Swift sings about. There were no “sparks flying.” I wasn’t enchanted to encounter it. In fact, my initial motivation for starting it was so that I could “give my muscles a good stretch” and get in even more “real” badass workout sessions!
The thing with with me is that I have, naturally, always been a “do-er”. I want to plan, calculate, fret, run, shout, MOVE. I want to do. I acquire a sense of safety in consistently “doing”. It’s like I’ve been in this race ever since I was born, but someone forgot to inform me of what I was racing for! Just do. Do. Do. Do. I don’t know why. I don’t even want to stop and wonder why. Leave me alone. I’m too busy aimlessly doing something, doing anything.
The thing with yoga is that it is a practice of being. It asks nothing of you, except for the most fundamental task–to breathe. You can imagine how confounding this principle was for somebody who has a propensity to want to do anything but simply “be.” It’s ironic, because my first classes were in restorative/meditative yoga, and I clearly remember, that I didn’t like those too much.
I surprised myself by not giving up on the practice entirely, and decided to take a vinyasa flow class. This type of yoga practice is more active, as it emphasizes meditation IN movement. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: so much of the pain I have felt in my life was acquired in movement–rapid, violently fast exchanges that left me breathless, crippled and left my world spinning. They don’t kid when they say life hits you hard. Since so much of my pain was acquired in movement, it is only natural that so much of my healing has occurred in it too.
Unlike running, I don’t attain the immediate sense of endorphins that accompany physical activity in yoga. No, no, no. Yoga can’t be that blunt. It’s a clever little swindler! The effects of yoga almost sneak in, without any notice, into my everyday life. I suppose the the benefits of my practice are subconsciously registered, and seem to unveil themselves as momentary expressions of self-compassion, kindness and love.
I think it’s because the mind lives in cognitive intelligence, whereas the heart resides in intuition. Yoga seems to enable my heart to return to its oldest, most primitive roots of wisdom. My mind, my trusty “do-ing” steed, is unable to rationalize and comprehend this regressive process–this return to a familiar love, a familiar truth that has always been within me.
The mind seeks out to discover finality–it gains a sense of accomplishment through paths that lead to a final destination. It searches. It moves. It does. Whereas, the heart– the childlike, trusting naive heart–it just experiences. It rejoices innocently in the beauty of present adventure.
My kindhearted readers, I cannot explain the “why’s” of how yoga has allowed me to feel so expanded and whole. I can, however, promise you that if you, silently, watch me as I practice, you will not only see, but also be able to FEEL the expansion process. Because it is an experience. It demands to be felt.
The heart’s “knowledge” is an accumulation of fearless experiences–an amalgamation of organic, whole experiencing that is left unaffected, and unregulated by mental processing. So, though, yoga and running give me very different experiences, both share one undeniable similarity: they allow me to become vulnerable. They give me permission to fail, to fall, to mess up, to laugh, and to try again.
At their very essence, they grant me sanctification to simply “be” human. I leave the mat, or track, liberated, humbled, and more open. Most of all, however, I leave, more in touch with myself–my deepest, age-old soul. I leave with a heart shining full of love and light. I am once again electrocuted back to life, in the most gentle of ways. I am truly and wholeheartedly awake.
My relationship with yoga was not one that Taylor Swift sings about. There were no “sparks flying.” I wasn’t enchanted to encounter it. My love for yoga was not one that was seductive in nature. It did not erupt with volatile passion, or consist of aching restless nights.
No. It was more subtle–almost like two pieces of a puzzle finding one another, merging together, without anyone having the slightest clue that they were ever even apart to begin with.
“Love, itself, is what is left over when being in love has burned away.”
Namaste.
❤ a few of pictures of my silly imperfect, but beautiful practice ❤
This is me practicing a personally invented yoga pose with my favorite man who anchors me to being.
“Isn’t she doing Kayla Itsines’ bikini body guide again?”
“Wait. No. I thought I saw a picture of Sophie gray’s Plyo Madness e-book on her page!”
“Yeah. She’s definitely doing the plyo madness e-book.”
“WAIT WHAT!?!?!?? she just posted a picture with Kayla’s workout!”
If you find yourself thinking those things going through my instagram, you are not alone. I would be thinking the same thing!! So what is my current fitness routine?
Well, it’s so funny that you ask that, my love, as my answer to that is: “I’m in the process of finding it out!”
As most of you know, I did Kayla Itsines’ bikini body guide! I finished all 12 weeks, and for the most part, I absolutely adored it! Consequently, after completing it, I decided to do it a second time around.
But, then, I stopped. Why?
Though her guide was a beautiful investment for my body, my mind had other ideas. To no fault of the guide, I found that I was becoming far too rigid in my thought processes regarding working out. “Robot Allie must do 1.25 hours of LISS today.” Working out became so mechanical and sterile, and frankly, I was working out far too many days!
I didn’t like that so much. So I stopped.
This brings me back, full circle, to my new years resolution I made for this year: BALANCE. The deepest parts of me know that the best results are acquired in a state of balance. I don’t know how I “know” this; I suppose it is because I FEEL it. It just feels like a state of concordant harmony would provide the most fostering environment for noticeable and DESIRED differences to appear.
How am I supposed to stay LONG and lean if I consistently keep doing high intensity exercise that causes my muscles to shorten and contract 6 days of the week?
So, I trusted my universal intuition. I actively verbalized my intention to our beloved universe.
“Like night has day, and summer has winter, I want balance. Lead me to it. I surrender to the delicate balance You maintain, and I desire to be in harmony with it.”
And, Voila! I came across Sophie Gray’s page! I loved that her workouts were only four days of the week and that she emphasized the importance of REST in her program–not just “active rest”, but really, true, “give yourself a break” rest. I tuned my attention to my mind-body-spirit connection and realized that this was a workout plan that my body AND my mind agreed upon. So, I purchased her e-book.
I’m only on week 1 so it’s a little premature to supply ya’ll with a detailed review. I will say, however, it is CHALLENGING. I cannot get through all eight rounds of the circuit YET. Consequently, I am only doing half of the rounds. To improve my cardiovascular strength, I am doing 30 minutes of moderate intensity on the treadmill/elliptical after completing the four rounds! All this in my limited 4 days.
I will keep you guys updated. I will say, however, that taking these rest days is really tough. I’m fearful that “all my hard work will go down the drain” if I allow myself 2-3 rest days instead of 1. Cognitively, I realize that this thought is distorted and inaccurate, however, emotionally, I am quite frightened.
It’s change. Change is scaryexcitingwonderfulnotsowonderful.
But my intuition has never led me astray. Where intention goes, energy flows. So, I’m currently amidst a balancing act. Meow!
abidmaham 