Today, I’m so grateful for sisterhood. What a blessing it is to be able to call your sister at 11 pm, and have her to confide in, laugh with and cry with. My little sister is absolutely wonderful, and I am absolutely amazed by her ability to help me through a rough day without EVER having talk about the problem. For some reason, a conversation about the specific issues bothering us is never needed. We end up talking about random things, like weird horror characters that can unhinge their jaws and swallow humans whole, and somehow that makes everything better. (I know, you’d be surprised). I’m thankful for friendships and all the love I have in my life, but I simultaneously can attest to the fact that there is no friend like a sister. How lucky I feel that somewhere along the way, God blessed me with her and now, I can call her my friend eternally.
I’m also surprisingly thankful for moments of loneliness. They have a way of stimulating you to turn inwards, and reflect on what really matters. Somehow, taking a walk alone at midnight in the shivering cold, alone with your thoughts is a really liberating, and empowering experience. You quickly realize that YOU not only are all that you have, but that you are also all that you need and that you are ENOUGH. By spending time with myself, I come to see a transformation from misery in loneliness to enjoyment in solitude; would you imagine that I’m not too awful of a company to have? Yes, my mind can be frantic, and I can be overly sentimental but my intentions are usually pretty noble. And, I think that’s pretty laudable. Perhaps, my own companionship will enrich me beyond measure.
I’m also really thankful for waking up and finding a warm, friendly, fuzzy Nemo next to me! Seriously, pets are angels disguised in fur! Seeing his sweet face in the middle of the night when I’m awakened by the baby’s kicks is such a soothing experience.
It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.
So, why haven’t I really written?
Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.
There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.
I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”
I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.
“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”
Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”
Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.
I am not worthless. I am human.
I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.
And that is okay.
But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.
And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!
Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.
Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?
I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.
As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.
Why doesn’t this apply to me?
Because I’m the antichrist. Right?
I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!
Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.
What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.
So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.
All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?
The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.
However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?
Wrong.
–Sigh-
Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if weshared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.
And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.
Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.
So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in. I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.
I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.
But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.
God I have so much shame. I am ugly, disgusting, bad, and dirty. I am worthless. I wish I had nothing to do with me. How is it that I am the creator and receptor of all my hate, mistrust and anger! I feel doomed by myself. God! I cannot believe that I am stuck with me forever. This must be what hell feels like. My permanent doom lies in the fact that I’m destined to share residence with this awful, disgusting repellant of my being.
– An old journal entry of mine
Well, there is some truth to the above passage.
Yes. This is exactly what hell feels like.
Ever feel absolutely disgusted with yourself, and then even more repelled by your own thoughts about yourself? Me too.
I want us to go visit that dark, demeaning place of self-hate again. I’m hoping that if we go back together, it won’t be as scary. So will you take my hand, so I won’t be so alone?
Are you ready? 1-2-3-JUMP.
God. I’m burning in this inferno!!! It feels like a million nails are peeling away my burning skin over and over again. Let’s hurry past this layer! I want to go deeper—beyond the self-loathing, because the nauseating abhorrence we feel is actually an illusion. It is a disguise. It is masking the intensely painful feelings of shame and fear that, so often, take over my life–that take over your life.
Oh god. I thought that burning wrathful inferno was the worst zone, but this–god, this is far more painful. Why is there so much darkness? I feel so empty in this desolate, lonely, and ominously silent substratum. I’m absolutely frightened. I’m so thankful that you are by my side.
What is this place? Welcome to fear.
We all set these never-ending goals for ourselves—“if I am able to do this by this date and within this time frame, then, and only then, will I be successful. Then, and only then will I love, and accept myself.” I must be __________________ (fill in the blank). I must be a successfully certified counselor; I must get all A’s this semester; I must eat 800 calories a day; I must lose this amount of weight in 3 weeks; I must be able to graduate medical school at the top of my class; My thighs must not touch; I must friends with the “popular” kids; I must be able to speak in public without getting nervous. I must be able to wrestle with a shark in the deepest part of the ocean, while I’m drowning, and still WIN. Might as well add that one on the list, right?
We put so much pressure on ourselves, and then, we wonder why we feel overworked, exhausted, and overwhelmed. And the most confusing part of all? We still don’t see results. “Wait, wait, wait. So why the heck are we not achieving our goals even though we are working so damn hard!?”
When we don’t “reach” our goals, we swiftly move onto more planning, goal-setting– more calculating. We take out our whips and try to beat some motivation into ourselves—hoping, that this time, it will be different. Yes, yes. This time we will finally get what we desire.
“I’m gonna make it, because this time, I will accept no failure!” we assertively swear to ourselves!
How motivating.
In actuality, what’s happening, there, is a foolproof, surefire way to get yourself to fail, yet again. Seriously, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been through that cycle. I’m guessing a lot of you have too.
As we cruelly “goal-set”, we simultaneously give ourselves a debilitating subconscious message: “you MUST do this, and if you don’t do it, YOU are a FAILURE.”
Can you imagine trying to operate under such an overbearing presence? We place crippling, paralyzing pressure on ourselves; we try to cheat ourselves out self-love.
“Shut up, Maham! Nobody’s got time to sit in a cave and work on cultivating self-love. Okay? I have stuff to do. Don’t you get it? I have to lose this weight before my wedding/before summer/before the world ends.”
I hear you. So, we return to our least favorite, but oh-so-familiar statement.
I will love myself when_________
Don’t you see, my sweet friend? We are all stuck in trying to accomplish our life goals in reverse order! And, it never works out. You know this. You’ve experienced this. It’s like trying to build a skyscraper, without taking the time to establish a proper and durable foundation. Would you like to test climb that building? Yeah, me neither.
So, we whip ourselves into getting back up, and we try again—only to fall harder and further this time. “OMG! I AM SUCH A FAILURE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? All these other people can accomplish the same thing in 0.00002 minutes and I haven’t been able to do it in a freaking year!”
We are back in that familiar raging inferno of self-hate. Hey, at least it’s better than that dark fearful layer under it right?
Sweetheart, you’ll be back there again too. It’s a vicious cycle.
We don’t see results that we want–>we panic–> so we put even more pressure on ourselves–> which leads us to fail harder–>the results are still nowhere to be seen.
How’s that working out for you?
I’m not mocking you, or looking down on you in any way. I’m not even asking you to become “less uncomfortable” with where you’re at. I know where you’re at; it is really hard. It is gruelingly painful. It may be sucking the very “life” out of your life. I understand because I’ve been there too; I know shame like the back of my hand. I know what it feels like to be in a place where you’re unable to give or receive love; it is impossible to believe people when they say nice things about you because you are so isolated and ashamed.
What if we try something different? What if we attempt to operate from a place of loving and positive motivation? What if, instead of brutally bludgeoning ourselves for everything we “do wrong”, we make a commitment to appreciate, and pat ourselves on the back for “the few things” we do “right?”
Will that lead to a better chance for success? Will that cause less suffering for you? And for others? I can’t answer those questions for you. I guess you’ll just have to see. I can tell you, however, that trying this changed my life.
Are you willing to give this a chance?
ACTIVITY: Think of a goal that you haven’t been able to achieve because you’ve been trapped in the self-hating and fearful cycle we just talked about. Got it? Okay. Now, I want you to commit to writing down 5 things you do “right”, in terms of achieving that goal, every single day. It does not matter how small or big those things are; all that matters is that you physically record them on a sheet of paper, or on a computer. Do this for 10 days and comment below to tell me about your experience ❤
Here’s a little background on my journey. Prior to getting married, I had always been in the 110-115 lb range at my near 5’5 frame. I was living at home, eating home-cooked food, and consequently, had some regularity in my meals and, therefore, my weight.
Pre-marriage pictureRecent picture in the same outfit (different jean size of course)
After getting married and moving to a bigger city, I was introduced to drive-thru krispy kreme’s and smoothie places. Needless to say, it was lust at first sight.
My wedding day ❤
Another thing working against me was that I did not know how to cook especially well; this meant going out to eat a lot. And, frankly, come on! I moved to New Orleans- the city of Cajun friend food! So, I ate. And I ate. And I ate.
A few months after getting married, I went back to my hometown and started getting a few remarks about how “chubby” I had gotten. This was a new thing for me, as my whole life, I had never been told that I was “chunky” or “chubby.” I became especially self-conscious, and decided to step on a scale for the first time in months. 131 lbs stared back at me. I had gained 15-20 lbs in just three months! WHAT????????
Me at my heaviest
Yeah, Okay! I know that’s not overweight. I realize that its not “too much.” But, I didn’t like the way I looked, and more so, I didn’t like the way I felt. So, I set out to make a few changes.
Over the next year, I went from 131 lbs to a fragile 96 lbs. I didn’t realize that I had plummeted to such an unhealthy weight range, until I visited my primary care physician for my annual check up. I was unaware of my weight loss, because I had stopped weighing myself. I was only tracking my progress based on measurements and the way my clothes fit.
Me at 96 lbsAnother picture of me at 96 lbs
Needless to say, after that doctors visit, I kinda freaked out. (shoutout to my patient husband, who picked me up and calmed my bawling self down 😉 ). I, then, set out to return to a state of balance, remaining careful in my journey, as I wanted to gain the weight back in muscle mass. I did not want to pack on lbs of fat as I had done before. Consequently, I added weight training into my predominantly cardio regimen, and began to incorporate more protein sources into my diet. I steadily gained muscle over the course of the next 6 months.
This brings us to current times :). I haven’t weighed myself in a few months. However, the last time I was keeping track, my weight seemed to stay between 104-108 lbs (this was in late April 2014). I don’t like weighing myself anymore, as that is a slippery slope for someone like me, who tends to get trapped in the “perfectionism” cycle easily.
Notice that my pre-wedding weight was around 110-115 lbs; this is close to the 104-108 lb range I was in a few months ago.
Look at how different the recent pictures look from the very first pictures in this post. That should be a testament to the fact that weight isn’t everything. 110 lbs of predominantly muscle looks starkly different from 110 lbs of predominantly fat.
Recent pictureRecent picture #2
I wasn’t always able to jump around from bench to bench like a lemur. I wasn’t always able to do pushups, or chin ups. I was not always able to run for an hour. So what is my secret? What did I do? Well, read on!
Change #1
I cut out almost 60% of refined, processed WHITE carbohydrates. This was probably one of the biggest, and initially one of the HARDEST changes I made. Don’t you love how those two things usually go together? Anyway, I stopped eating white rice, white bread, doughnuts, cookies, etc. Please note that this did not happen overnight. I did not go “cold-turkey” or shift to an all-or-nothing sort of mindset. In fact, I am munching on Lorna Doone shortbread cookies as I write this. PS- they are delicious.
Personally speaking, I do not think quitting something entirely is sustainable, or even “healthy”. It may be more healthful for the body, however, I don’t see this restrictive type of thinking as beneficial to the mind. As someone who already struggles with perfectionism, it is extremely important for me to steer away from the “nevers”,”always” and “forevers”; It is truly a minute-to-minute struggle to remind myself to live in moderation.
Anyway, I simply began to reduce my intake of “white carbohydrates.” I remember that, at first, I replaced them with brown rice and wheat bread. As time went on, I replaced the brown rice with quinoa and I actually stopped craving bread altogether. If I had to choose, most of my weight reduction was a result of this change.
Change #2
The first “excercise tool” I purchased was not some fancy sportswatch; instead, it was a $5 pedometer. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that is, it is a simple tool that counts the steps you take each day. I began by tracking how many steps I walk in a typical day, and started to increase that number the next day. So, each day I was walking more than the day before. The key to this is holding yourself accountable. I remember that some days,I had to drag myself out of bed to go walk around the house one more time, so that the number of steps I took was at least 1 step greater than the day before. Since this was an active goal, it inadvertently led me to park further in parking lots and to take the stairs instead of the elevator.
Change #3
I started a food journal! I started recording the calories in the foods I was eating. Since weight loss, at its basis, results from a caloric deficit (taking in less than you burn), food logging was very helpful. Now, I do have to say that this can easily become obsessive, so I have a tip for you. I want you to to start thinking of caloric deficits on a weekly instead of daily basis. How many calories are you eating per week? How many calories are you burning per week? After you’ve answered these questions, try to create a deficit of at 1300-2500 calories in the number every proceeding week. Continue this, till you have reached your target body type. The reason I recommend doing this on a weekly basis is for enhanced sustainability. It becomes really hard not to beat yourself about having a “bad day” if you focus too much on daily calories. There will be days where you eat more. There will be days where you eat less. Consequently, it is more sustainable and healthy to assess your nutrition progress weekly.
Change #4
Oh this is going to be a kicker for so many of you–guess what? I stopped weighing myself. Take your measuring tapes, and cameras out, and throw your scale out the window (don’t do this if you live on the 2nd or 3rd floor lol). Weigh-ins can become really depleting, and may lead you to feel dejected. Sustainable weight loss is slow. The reason I said “sustainable” is because people can starve themselves for a few weeks, and drop tons of weight, however, once they start re-feeding, the gains will be back. True, lasting, weight loss is slow and steady, especially if you are trying to maintain it. If you weigh yourself, and don’t see that “magical number” we all create in our heads, it can become sadly easy to give up, and return to old habits.
Change #5
Only after making the above-mentioned changes, did I get a membership to the gym, and make any active attempts towards exercising. The first exercise program I ever tried in attempt to lose weight was Sean T’s Insanity. Yes, I did lose weight on it, however, it is an extremely challenging fitness program. I felt like I was going to die during the WARMUP. I finished Sean T’s insanity, and joined the local gym. There, I began to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day. This also assisted in further weight loss. As I felt more comfortable , I started venturing out to the elliptical machines, and began to take spin classes. These were all very helpful. I will say this, however: if you decide to take spin classes, please be careful about raising the resistance too high, as this may cause your quads/thighs to bulk up.
Important Point: Long-duration cardio (>25 minutes) is going to be your main arsenal when it comes to weight loss. This is predominantly all I did when I first started my fitness journey. The thing with cardio is that it will initiate you losing “weight”; this means that you’re going to be losing fat but also some muscle.
Important Point: Spot reduction is not possible. We cannot say: “doughnuts go to my butt, and cardio, subtract from my belly.” It simply does not work that way. When the body loses weight, it loses weight evenly. You can do ab excercises all day and night, and have a 6-pack. You will not be able to see that 6 pack, unless you employ cardio to help decrease the layer of adipose tissue, or fat, that covers that muscle group.
Change #6
My heaviest “carb” meal, to this day, is still breakfast, or my “pre-workout meal”. This way, I utilize most of the food that I eat throughout the day. For dinner, I have mostly protein and vegetables. I don’t need heavy carbs during the night, as my activity level is going to be low.
Change #7
Portion sizing goes a long way! Simply reduce the portions you take- even if it is just by a little bit. Subtracting a ton of “little bits” eventually add up to a lot of weight loss. Rule of thumb: the amount of grainy carbs you eat in one meal should be, at max, the size of one fist.
Change #8
Alright, alright. Warning! if you are a healthnut reading this, you are not going to like this change. When I first started on my fitness journey, I started “replacing” foods solely based on the caloric value. I didn’t care if the replacement was all natural, organic, vegan, gluten free etc. Since my initial goal was weight loss, I was only concerned about taking in a lower amount of calories. Consequently, I started replacing normal cookies with 100-calorie Lorna doone packets or 90 calorie special k cereal bars. I started replacing whole milk with unsweetened almond milk. I replaced sugar with stevia, and white bread with low calorie multigrain crackers. I’ve gotten more health-oriented now, however, this post is not about me now, it is about when I first started.
So, here you go. This highly-requested blog post is almost done. I haven’t told you guys my #1 secret though.
So, here goes: There is no way that I would have been able to do this if I had come from a place of extreme self-loathing. It is one thing to WANT to change; it is another thing to hate yourself through the whole journey.
You will NEVER be able to accomplish anything if your motivation is from a hateful, critical place. It is not sustainable. How far can a horse run if you keep whipping it harshly across the back? It may run faster, at first, out of fear and shock. In the long run, however, it will slow down, and eventually, fall to the crippling pressure. So, please, don’t set yourself up for failure.
Ever walked into the middle of a movie—no clue as to what was happening prior to you seeing it. Why is that guy trying to kill the other one? Who is she, and why is she carrying a baby alligator around? Huh?
Our very existence is like watching a movie from the middle. We woke up in this world one day, with no recollection of where we were before—no recollection of where we came from, how we got here, and why we’re here.
If we’re lucky, we awoke to two “somewhat functioning” adults holding us, and helping us. And perhaps along the way, they decided to bring some other equally confused little aliens into this world. We begin to call these people “family.” Who are they? And why does it seem like they have our whole lives planned before we even can form our first words?
“What am I doing here?” Slowly, we begin to learn how to produce certain sounds that we associate with abstract objects—we call this language. We begin to communicate about things that are happening; in fact, we become so well-versed, that, some of us begin to spin poetic metaphors and literary allusions into masterpieces, which serve to capture the essence of this confounding life. These will be known as our greatest writers.
However, no matter how many literary tactics we employ to mystify and obscure the concept of human existence, we cannot, with full certainty, pinpoint the answer to the ultimate question: why are we here?
Some of us decide to gain some certainty through pulling on teachings of age-old religions, and others simply turn to testaments of our own experiences. Regardless of where we find our illusion of “certainty”, the inherent perplexity of human existence remains glaring.
As a therapist-in-training, I have some awareness of the unfortunate prevalence of addictions in our world. Yes there are the evident ones such as alcoholism, eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-harm. But then, there are also those faint addictions—the addictions that tend to get “normalized”, as they are more accepted by society. These are the addictions to other people, the addiction to things, the addiction to abstract concepts such as success and accomplishment.
I would go as far as saying that, to some degree, every single one of us is an addict. Workaholics, workoutaholics, codependents, hoarders, sex addicts, money addicts. We become addicted to our partners, to our children, to “best friends.” That’s not the end of it. Some of us suffer from addictions that are intangible—we become addicted to attaining fame, beauty, success.
Why is human existence marked with coming in and out of different addictions? I truly and wholeheartedly believe that it is because our very existence has been out of control. All the preceding addictions are mechanisms that we use to deal with the lack of control we had in our very own existence. No entity asked for my permission before I was born. I don’t recall me signing a document instating my birth. Out of the millions of choices, why did that specific sperm have to fertilize that specific egg to create ME?
This brings me to the point of this blog: CHOICES.
They are beautiful burdensome trinkets. Regardless of circumstances, everything comes down to choice. They say “10% of what happens to you is life, and 90% is how you choose to deal with it.” I am in complete agreement with that statement. The world could be crumbling outside, but I will possess have a choice in how to react to it. Every single thing comes down to choice. “Not making a choice” is also a choice.
Let me tell you about an interesting experience. 19 years into my life, I realized that I had not yet made the active choice to live. HUH? I had become a passive bystander in my life—just letting life do whatever it wanted. “The greatest choice you will ever make is the one to live. Most people simply just exist.” And that’s exactly what it came down to.
It wasn’t so much that I “gave up” on life, as “giving up”, in itself, is an active choice. It was more like I had, simply, chosen not to choose when it came to matters of my own being. I didn’t wake up and DECIDE to be happy. Instead, I let the day’s events dictate whether or not I would feel happy. It was as if, i was (and still am (to some extent)), a leaf that was just blowing around in the wind—untethered to a stable source. For 19 years, I remained unanchored to the robust, secure tree of personal choice. Circumstances dictated my mood, my self-worth, my ambition, my energy—my life.
For 19 whole years. I didn’t even once affirm “regardless of what this day brings, I choose to act in a manner that increases inner peace and happiness.”
And then, I met my husband.
Needless to say, he found me scattered at my most vulnerable, confused state of being. In a lot ways, I was undergoing an identity crisis. “Which parts of my life are truly “mine”? I questioned “Which parts are the ones that I actually chose?”
I never did find the answers to those questions. I stopped looking for them. Instead, I made the very first choice I consciously remember making.
I chose him. I chose my husband.
It’s ironic because our marriage was arranged in nature. I remember the day I chose as clearly as if it were yesterday. I remember, sitting in my blue summer dress, on the sidewalk, barefooted. My husband and his family had just left my house, after seeing me for the very first time. I was 19. I was frightened, uncertain, unprepared, shaking.
A picture of me in my blue dress FROM that very day
I liked him. It felt right. I think. Maybe? What if it isn’t right? What if he’s not the one? What if this is going to be the biggest mistake of my life? Oh my goodness, it is isn’t it? I will regret this forever. Don’t do it. Do it. Don’t do it. Do it.
My dashing thoughts were rudely interrupted by the chirping of a bird. Annoyed, I snapped back to glare at him. And there he was–eating some seeds off the middle of the road, completely at ease, unaware of his agitating chirps. In the distance, I heard a car approaching–it came closer. Closer. Closer.
My heart jumped into my throat as I fretted fearfully for the bird’s life. “WHY ISN’T IT FLYING AWAY!? Is it DEAF!?” I winced, as the car came within touching distance of the bird, and boom. There he went. He flew towards the sky. A few moments after the car passed, the bird swiftly returned to the ground and began picking at his seeds, completely at ease–completely unaware that his life had just been in danger.
I exhaled loudly and stared with wonder and perplexity at this seemingly “unintelligent” creature. And, as it’s beady black eyes met mine, a bizarre thought crossed my mind. “What if I’M the unintelligent creature?”
As human beings, we spend all day and night fretting about what could go wrong. We approach every scenario as if it is one of life and death. For some of us, it is. Many of us are truly brought to “life or death” circumstances, in which we’re spared right at the nick of time. However, so few of us ever focus on the fact that we were spared. WE ARE ALIVE. Instead, we stay inside, worried, afraid to ever go back out “on the road” because we are afraid of the next car that will drive by.
I remember laughing at my fearful thoughts regarding the encounter, and I clearly recall looking up to the sun gently setting in the sky. “In this moment, I CHOOSE to be with this man!” I declared assertively, hoping to convince any higher power that may have resided up there.
I wasn’t going to let life happen to me. In that moment, I chose my husband, and in choosing him, I took an oath to doing all that I could do to make it work. I took an oath to not giving up when things got hard, and above all, I took an oath to go into the marriage FEARLESSLY.
This brings us back to the familiar concept of fear. So many of you may question things that I have questioned before Should I even “fight” for my life? Am I worth fighting for? Do I want to take charge of my life? “Um. Maham. Duh. Shut up. OF course.” These may be answers that seem simple and easy on the surface, but how many of us can honestly say “yes” to them in a manner that is as fierce as a racehorse running, full throttle, out of the starting gate?
Oh honey! Courage is not the absence of fear. It is simply the presence of something MORE powerful than fear. So, the horse passionately runs. It does what it would naturally do, no knowledge of what comes next; he courageously gallops out of the gate, no preoccupation with what’s ahead. He does what he loves to do.
My sweet friend, this is about life being ahead of you, and you making the choice to run towards it courageously! Will you do something for me?
I want for you to figure out what you desire—it could be anything, big or small. Figure it out. Verbalize it. Write it out, and declare your intention to the universe, as I did 4 beautiful years ago.
And now, think of the racehorse. There is no going back. You can only move forwards. Just RUN towards what you want fearlessly—no doubts, no preoccupation with what could go wrong, no energy wasted in thinking about “how hard it’s going to be” or “how long its going to take.” Nobody ever accomplished anything by fretting about how “impossible” it was going to be. You’ve done harder things, and the time will pass anyway. Just run. Run towards it, with arms wide open, and a heart brimming with excitement! Get ready to catch your dream, because, the entire universe and it’s cosmos is running back, towards YOU—the world is so excited for you two to finally meet. Your dream is not a separate entity from you. It was yours. It is yours. It has always been yours.
Believe it or not, it wasn’t till relatively recently, that I began to develop close relationships with my female counterparts. For most of my life, I have had little to no close female-friends. I suppose it was because the vicious threads of jealousy, competition and hurtful gossip fueled my apprehension in engaging with the most beautiful, majestic creatures that have ever lived on this planet. That’s right. I’m talking about you, girls.
Before I speak about my loving admiration for womanhood, let me first address one of my favorite concepts in the history of EVER. You may be familiar with the “yin-yang” symbol that became nascent in ancient Eastern philosophy.
The concept asserts that the world maintains a state of balance–or homeostasis–through equal and opposite forces. For night there is day, for winter there is summer, for man, there is woman. On the surface, it is easy to look at these two forces as antagonistic. It may seem as if they are working against each other in an attempt to cancel one another out. However, if you look a little more closely, you’ll find that is not the case at all. Life is consistently wobbling upon the pulls of complementary forces. These serve to balance, instead of cancel the effects of the other. They work together, in perfect, synchronized harmony. How does this all relate to my overflowing love for women?
So many of the problems we face in our contemporary world are a result of an unbalanced feminine:masculine power schema. Globally speaking, there is an eminent lack of kind, gentle, feminine energy to balance out the strong, assertive masculinity that’s running this world amuck. Countries have become engrossed in asserting power over one another via aggressive, oppressive, and often, violent means.
You know that the world has become a sad place to live in when “stop acting like a girl!” has become an insult. What is so wrong with being a girl? What is so wrong with FEELING, and being sensitive? Feeling is powerful. If more of us felt things for each other, and for the world, there would be a marked reduction in violent hurtful energy that are so evident today. As women, we feel things. We are nurturing, caring, loving creatures. This does not make us stronger or weaker than males; it simply means that we are differently powerful. Like the yin-yang concept dictates, we are complementary powers–equal and opposite in magnitude; when we are in “perfect” union, our forces contribute to the serene harmonious balance that is otherwise, so common to nature.
Being a girl is AWESOME! I can’t even verbalize how deeply loved and supported I feel by my female friends and followers. Womanhood is such a relentless force to be reckoned with. It is so immensely powerful in the gentlest of ways. We have so much strength and influence over one another. Just like us girls can tear one another down, if we allow ourselves be true to our core, we can empower and heal one another like NOTHING AND NOBODY else. We can provide for one another the love, support, and friendship that NO MAN has the capability of EVER giving us. Together, we can form an indomitable sisterhood.
My sweet sisters, my beautiful other halves– your kind beautiful compassionate words and gestures feel like cool pitter patter of rain drops all over my heart. You are downright remarkable. There is no other way of saying it. I am so continually inspired by you and you and you and you. I feel so blessed to know such profound greatness. The nurturing tenderness, love and compassion you exude into the world are nothing sort of revolutionary. You give so much more than you ever take, my selfless goddess. You walk on this earth with the such gentle grace–never stomping on the ground because you FEEL. You feel that you are connected to it, and it to you. Your undeniable presence is so magnetic and charismatic, drawing in those who don’t know you yet. You walk around with that cute little side-smile because you KNOW. You’ve discovered the most sought after truth! You know why we are here, on this earth. You know, because you, my love, are the very definition of why we’re here– altruism.
Don’t sell yourself short. You are the reason God has not given up in the world yet.
So, here’s to those of us who get our hearts broken by the slightest of winds–to those of us who let happiness take our spirits past the highest heavens. Here’s to those of us who, despite all the adversity, wake up each day with the same childlike hopeful attitude towards the world. Society may try to convince us that we are “weak” or “stupid”, or my ever-favorite: “naive”, but we know the tremendous courage that comes from CHOOSING not to let the world make you hard. Here’s to all of us who never had enough “commonsense” to give up, once and for all, after each consecutive fall. Here’s to those of us who over-think and overanalyze, to those who FEEL intensely and immensely. Because at the end of the day, we are the ones who are ALIVE amongst a sea of people who have passively chosen to exist.
My kindhearted, soul sisters, will you join in me in my journey?
If we help one another achieve our potential, we are inevitably going to leave the most honest and kind footprint on Earth’s journey.
There is a slight catch, however.
In order to help others tap into and utilize their potential, we need to gain greater accessibility to our own. This can only be attained through spending dedicated time with ourselves. We must have courage to look within. We must observe and get deeply intimate with our truest selves by means of the most raw, unrefined honesty. Only then, can we begin to help eachother in fulfilling the greater altruisitic unifying purpose. We are all stuck in trying to change the world, but what if to change the world, we must begin by changing ourselves?
My lovely lioness, you must spend time getting to know the immortal, enlightened truth within you. You must discover, and rejoice in the beauty is so inherent to your very being.
That is the only way.
We must be our own before we can ever be another’s. We must cultivate the capacity to love ourselves so wholly and so deeply. That is the only way we will be able to extend the same boundless love to this much-needing world. Our purpose is far too great to waste any more precious time in forsaking, hating, and disassociating from ourselves and each other.In a world full of uncertainty, there is one thing that I know for sure. I wholeheartedly promise you that we are absolutely magical.
Lets talk stretching. So many poses. So many stretches. Ya’ll have probably heard the importance of stretching in injury prevention, and in elongation of tight muscles. So, I won’t bore you with information you already know, but I do have to say this: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE TIME TO STRETCH!
I use my legs quite a lot, as the workouts I do are either a)cardio, or b) high intensity plyometric movements (AKA lots of jumping). Consequently, most of my stretches are centered around….tada…my legs!
In my workouts, I usually stretch twice. The first time around, I stretch after doing some light cardio (5 min walk/jog to warm up). I also stretch after finishing my workout. When I’m stretching, I hold each pose for about 30-45 seconds! You should feel a slight pull, and some healthy tension. This is good, as it may be indicative of you increasing your flexibility.
However, it should not HURT or ache in any manner. Please be careful. Don’t go pulling your pretty little muscles!
Without further delay, here are some of my favorite stretches!
This is your basic reach. I repeat this with each leg, and I finish with putting both legs together, and touching my toes!
This is the pigeon-pose. I cross one leg underneath my tummy, and stretch long with the other one. Repeat on the other side.
Hey guess what? You can also get an awesome quad stretch by altering the pigeon pose just a little bit! Yay!
This is a modified version of the basic reach again. Since you’re positioned vertically, this time around, it’s really working the backside of your legs!
Dancer’s pose ❤ Great for an overall leg stretch!
Modified lunge!
The butterfly pose! This is a great inner-thigh stretch! Just hold both feet together, and push your tummy closer to your thighs. Most people do this stretch ineffectively, as they want to get their foreheads to touch their toes. I did this too, until my yoga instructor told me otherwise! The best way to stretch the inner thigh or adductor muscles is to lean your hips/lower tummy towards your thighs. This way, your back remains straight, and unrounded.
This one is great for the hip flexors!!!!! I discovered it recently and I fell in love with it! Cross one leg over the other. Make sure that both of your sit-bones are touching the ground! Now reach as far as you can. You should feel the best kind of pinch in the back of your hip. Bahh. is it obvious that I’m kinda sorta obsessed with this one? And, on the plus side, I feel like a cat doing this pose.
Yeah. Yeah. We hear it all the time. A part of us may even register that when we get down to the literal aspect of things, we really are all we have. We are the ones who inhale the oxygen, break down food into usable energy, and use water to sustain our literal lives.
Let’s change one word in the above mentioned statement.
How about “you’re all you NEED”?
Like me, some of you may agree with that statement. I mean, I KNOW that it’s true. I think most of us do. But, how many of us can say that we truly, without a doubt, BELIEVE that we are all we need?– that we possess all the resources, connections, and tools we need to, not just, survive but to create a fulfilling and meaningful life?
Do you believe it? Would you like to believe it?
How ironic is it that in the most significant moments of our lives, we are alone? When we come out of our mothers womb, we are alone. When we are faced with death, we are alone. We came into this world with no one, and we will leave with no one.
What if we truly are strong enough to deal with life? And not just deal with it–but really mold a colorful, and beautiful one?
I think that if we truly believed that we are all we really need—that we are enough, there would be much less fear in the world. Violence, hatred, envy, harm—these are all sons and daughters of fear.
On a global level, fear has been masked as tyranny and terrorism. We only feel the need to oppress other beings because we feel threatened. We “need” to create a hierarchy so that we can establish that “I am stronger/higher/smarter/better than you.” But, why would we need to assert our control over others if we believed that we were enough, by ourselves?
On a more individual level, fear has refracted into countless rays: addictions, abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders. You name it. Why would we need to turn to alcohol, drugs, food, other people, and other things if we, 100%, believed that we were enough—that everything we needed to create a meaningful and satisfying life was already within us?
I really want us to think about that statement. What if all the things we have ever wanted and have been within us this since the day we were born? Entertain this thought with me, for a second.
If that was truly the case, the first change we would see within individuals, within families, and consequently, within the world would be a reduction in fear. There would be markedly less frantic, fearful, hasty energy demolishing Mother Earth.
Imagine how it would feel to really believe that… to believe that you are all you need. You are enough.
In fact, I want all of you to do something silly with me.
I want all of you to scream “hello”, loud inside your head. Let it ring inside of you.
“H-E-L-L-O-!”
Notice, that there are two different presences inside of you. There is a voice that bellowed “hello”, and there was a different presence that, simultaneously, heard the “hello.”
There was a voice that spoke, and there was a voice that listened.
So often, the only voice we hear is the loud one–the one that speaks, barks, criticizes, ridicules, judges. What about the other voice? The one that isn’t as charged? The one that resides in the deepest part of us, and simply observes.
I want to share something with you, girls. I wrote a letter for you. From you to you. From me to me.
I want for the wise voice within you that listens to say these words to the frightened, panicked voice that, so often, speaks.
I know. I hear you. I know it feels like the world is going to crumble sometimes. I’m hearing your panic. I’m hearing your voice. No one is ignoring you. I’m here. It is going to be okay. I know that a part of you is petrified. And, I so, wholeheartedly appreciate and honor that part. Look at how brilliantly resilient you are! Look at you throwing these resourceful solutions to me about turning to alcohol, or drugs, or food, or other addictions. I don’t hate you for saying those things. I don’t think you’re bad for saying them.
Instead, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for trying to protect me. I want to thank you for sensing that I’m scared, and I want to thank you for trying to resolve the fear in ways that we’ve previously dealt with it. But angel, I need you to hear me when I say that it’s safe. You are okay. You are going to be loved and accepted. You already are. You deserve to be cared for, to be loved, and valued. And I am here to take care of you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. Nothing you can/will do is going to make me turn away from you this time.
I realize that its going to take you a little bit of time to realize that I am here to stay. But I am no longer going to ignore you, or push you into the dark. I am not going to beat your bones till they are broken, or mentally annihilate you. You are and never were bad, wrong, or not enough. Deep down, I know that all you’ve ever wanted was to feel okay—to feel loved, accepted and cared for.
You want to feel like you have a home. You want to be accepted, understood, and valued for just being you, at this moment in time—no expectations, no strings attached. There will be no more: “I love you when’s…” You are enough, now. And no matter how scary that is, I want you to know that I am working on accepting and loving you the way you desire.
I am making the choice to take care of you, and to honor you. You may not have received that essential love, approval, and value when you were only a child. But you grew up. I grew up. A part of me is capable of helping you now—for giving you all that you have ever wanted.
I’ll need your help. Will you help me, sweetheart?
I’m not asking for you to discard your fears, or your concerns about being alone. Being isolated, alone, and abandoned are really scary things. I am not asking you to throw away your apprehensions, because I know that this situation is unfamiliar. For so long, I have pushed you away; this fearful relationship between us is what has kept us functioning. This is how you survived. This is how WE survived. But I am imploring with you to allow me to reach out to you now. I’m asking your permission to let me in.
I am not your best friend who betrayed you. I am not your mother who abused you. I am not the boyfriend who cheated on you. I am none of those people that hurt you in the past. I know that I may have pushed you away, but I want you to know that it was NEVER because I wanted to hurt you. It was never because I thought not you were bad, unworthy or unlovable. It was and has always been about me being scared too. I pushed you away because the intensity with which you need me scares me.
I don’t know how to handle the loneliness you feel. I am afraid that I won’t be able to be enough for you—that I’ll fail you.
I know it’s a risk. It’s a really scary thought to think that, together, we can make it. But if you give me a chance, I am willing to understand and try to be what you need. I will not let you down. I will fight for you.
I’m here now, telling you that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live wholly and fully. I realize that you’re scared to hope, because a lot has been taken away from you. It’s been really hard. You’ve had to shut off so many parts of yourself to make it this far.
I’m so thankful to you for allowing me to feel your pain. I honor your apprehension but I see the immense courage that you already have. I’m so amazed at your strength. Your will to survive, and to be heard is incomparably astounding. You never gave up. You may have tried to feel loved, accepted, and cared for in really bizarre and maladaptive ways, but you never gave up. I am so thankful to you for not giving up despite what other people said, or what circumstances brought.
I am most thankful, however, that you did not give up on being heard, despite how cruel I was to you. I know that I am not perfect, but I am willing to try. I am here to tell you that I am willing to try to accept you, to love you, and to show you, that together, we are enough. We are all we’ve got, and we are all we need.
Perfect. So, we’ve got what “vision” means. A vision board is a collage, on which you pin quotes/pictures that remind you of your own vision–of your own goals and ideals that you aspire towards. Optimally, the board should be hung up in a place where you can see it everyday, so that you’re consistently reminded of the extraordinariness that you are destined for. ❤
One of my visions is to feel happiness–to live a life that is so beautifully lavished with gifts of joy, gentleness, and love. So, today, I wanted to share some pictures from my “happiness” vision board with all of you 🙂
Yayyy! I’m smiling as I write this because I’m imagining all of you smiling as you read this. Let’s smile together. Okay. Ready. Set. Go. SMILEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
See how connected we were in that moment? YAY! Before, I share my pictures with you, I wanted to let you know something interesting; when I ventured out to create my board, the only pictures I chose were those that my heart responded to first (prior to any mental registration). I chose pictures that made my heart tingle with absolutely no mental explanation as to why. ❤
❤ go find pictures that make you happy, and look at them every single day!
These are both pictures of my legs at different times
I feel like this deserved a blog post on its own because this is probably my most FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION.
Okay, so by “rarely” I mean that I do not do repetitive leg exercises that target isolated leg muscles such as lunges/squats/calf raises. I may do a set here and there, however that’s really it. If I do decide to do the above mentioned isolated exercises, I tend to make them plyometric movements. What does this mean? In simple terms, this means: “ADD A JUMP”. Jump lunges, jump squats, jumping calf raises. I do these as fast as possible without causing fatigue. As soon as I feel the burn coming on, I STOP and rest before repeating.
As a mesomorph with a relatively low body fat percentage, I TEND TO GAIN MUSCLE LIKE NO TOMORROW. Even slight increases in muscle size look quite noticeable, as there isn’t a substantial amount of subcutaneous adipose tissue (fat) covering them.
So MIIT/MISS is my ARESNAL for training my legs! I’ve found that, personally, I cannot go wrong with this type of training. So, what is this?
MISS: moderate intensity steady state cardio: stay at a moderate heart rate zone for > 25 minutes.
MIIT: moderate intensity interval training cardio: train at a moderate-higher intensity heart rate zones, step off to the side/slow down to allow your heart rate zone to drop into the moderate/low training heart rate zones. Speed up again to push heart rate back up. Make sure you are not staying at your high intensity zone for too long. You should barely be entering it.
This post is about actively losing MUSCLE. So this post is mainly geared towards lovely people who feel that that their legs feel excessively “hard”/lack cellulite/feel bulky. If you find that you have more fatty tissue, you must do all types of cardio/eat at a greater deficit to decrease your overall body fat percentage and weight.
I recommend doing cardio with a very light meal prior to it. I, personally, can’t do fasted cardio, as I feel faint, and dI have passed out from it before. So why a light meal? Well, the only time that there may ever a need for your body to turn to your muscles for fuel is in the late stages of extreme endurance running. When glycogen or carbohydrate stores are depleted, your body will turn to the only fuel source left — amino acid proteins in your skeletal muscles. Only then, will it turn these into glucose for fuel.
So please note that losing muscle is HARD. Our bodies do not, naturally, want to do this. So please be patient with yourself during this process.
By the same token as above^^, we don’t want to rebuild this muscle, as we are looking to LOSE some bulk. I recommend simply having a carb instead of protein so that you can refuel your glycogen stores. Snack on these carbs in moderation, as once your stores are replenished, the excess will be stored as fat.
The cardio i do is usually my mixed cardio routine posted a few slides ago. Sometimes it’s purely MISS/MIIT depending on my body, energy level, and lethargy. I want to quote something I read on wayofgray’s profile yesterday
Actually enjoy the foods you’re eating and workouts you’re doing. I love HIIT and my predominantly plant based diet, and that’s why I stick to it. If you hate running on a treadmill, try something else! I promise that you’ll find something you enjoy!
It is so important to LISTEN to your own body. So, if you get anything out of this post at all, please let it be the following: DO NOT KILL YOURSELF TRYING TO ADAPT TO THIS PROGRAM. This is what worked for my particular body type. You are SO wholeheartedly encouraged to tweak my recommendations to help YOU achieve what you desire.
You got this 😉 Please remember to stretch! This will be key!
abidmaham 