02/11/2016

Today, I’m so grateful for sisterhood. What a blessing it is to be able to call your sister at 11 pm, and have her to confide in, laugh with and cry with. My little sister is absolutely wonderful, and I am absolutely amazed by her ability to help me through a rough day without EVER having talk about the problem. For some reason, a conversation about the specific issues bothering us is never needed. We end up talking about random things, like weird horror characters that can unhinge their jaws and swallow humans whole, and somehow that makes everything better. (I know, you’d be surprised). I’m thankful for friendships and all the love I have in my life, but I simultaneously can attest to the fact that there is no friend like a sister. How lucky I feel that somewhere along the way, God blessed me with her and now, I can call her my friend eternally.

I’m also surprisingly thankful for moments of loneliness. They have a way of stimulating you to turn inwards, and reflect on what really matters. Somehow, taking a walk alone at midnight in the shivering cold, alone with your thoughts is a really liberating, and empowering experience. You quickly realize that YOU not only are all that you have, but that you are also all that you need and that you are ENOUGH. By spending time with myself, I come to see a transformation from misery in loneliness to enjoyment in solitude; would you imagine that I’m not too awful of a company to have? Yes, my mind can be frantic, and I can be overly sentimental but my intentions are usually pretty noble. And, I think that’s pretty laudable. Perhaps, my own companionship will enrich me beyond measure.

I’m also really thankful for waking up and finding a warm, friendly, fuzzy Nemo next to me! Seriously, pets are angels disguised in fur! Seeing his sweet face in the middle of the night when I’m awakened by the baby’s kicks is such a soothing experience.

02/12/2016

Today, I am grateful for something I usually have a hard time grappling with— flexibility and change. I was feeling lowly about my run outside yesterday, as I could tell it was a little harder for my body. I felt winded, a little off balance, and it definitely felt like my body had to work harder to accomplish the same task it could do effortlessly just a month ago! I’m thankful for the way feelings work, and how once we let them manifest and exist, they come to a height and then dissolve into a neutral state of being again. Today, I thoroughly allowed myself grieve over some of the undesirable changes that are coming with pregnancy. I let myself understand the fact that my body is changing, and really worked on fostering acceptance for the glaring reality that it will continue to change rapidly within the next few months.

After feeling these feelings, I somehow ended up on YouTube watching videos of mothers meeting their child for the first time; needless to say, after a few videos, I was bawling at how amazing the process is. The moment the child makes the first skin-to-skin contact with the mom, as he/she cries is so touching. As I flipped through these videos, I began to feel my heart soften. Again, change was at work within me (and I was grateful). I touched my belly, and cried with anticipation, eagerness and an overwhelming sensation of love for her. This child is going to be worth it.

And then, I noticed the process of change once more. I felt the environment within me change, and my lethargy, and grief for what was being lost was now being replaced with motivation, love, and a desire to do something different. “I have to fight for you,” I repeated to my daughter, “I have to fight for us.” What did this mean for me? It meant that I wanted to get out of bed, stop feeling sorry for myself, and feel capable, strong and equipped to deal with the change ahead. I wanted to infuse my daughter with a sense of safety, a sense that we are capable, powerful women. So, I strapped on my shoes, headed to the gym, and decided to run on the treadmill instead. I ended up having an amazing workout. As I ran, I noticed that treadmill running felt easier on my joints; my body seemed to feel airy and light; running felt effortless, once more. I was so grateful for that feeling.

I’m so grateful that with a little bit of adaptation, and flexibility in our approaches, we can achieve the same feelings that we desire. Who would have thought that a simple adjustment such as switching to a machine would have resulted in an overwhelming surge of endorphins? As I picked up speed, and ran, I felt strong. I felt capable. I discovered that the longer I ran, the more powerful I felt. “We can do this” I thought! The sense of inner strength I gain from working out is so essential to my mental preservation throughout this journey. I find that I can take the same strength I feel and extend it to other portions of my life; testing and extending my physical capabilities allows me to see that I can handle so much more than I believe.

So today, I am utterly thankful for the ability to feel strong, capable and empowered. I am thankful that I was able to consider a different approach, and through it, still attain the feelings that I love so much. And I am so thankful, that I can still move as much as I can. I realize that as this pregnancy progresses, there will be more and more that I may not be able to do as easily as I once could. But that’s okay. I’m willing to adapt, and dabble with creative new ways. I won’t give up on me. I won’t give up on her.

02/13/16

I’m not going to lie, today started out a little off. You know some of those days that you wake up, and you know that your energy is just not quite vibrating on higher frequencies? That was this morning. It was glaring that there was some form of heaviness in my heart; this realization automatically thrusted my mind into protective mode. I spent most of the morning subconsciously entrenched in avoidance mechanisms. It was as if my heart had secretly communicated “Mind, we are not feeling good today! This feels unsafe. We need to do our best to distract and avoid whatever negativity is arising!” I’m sure you know how this turns out. I felt on-edge, high-strung and just off balance.

Until…I cried.

Today, I am thankful for tears and for the ability to express sadness. I’m grateful because sadness allows us the ability to face the emotion, instead of avoiding and letting it fester. I’m grateful for the ability to feel, and thereby, move the painful energy out from within me. Once, I allow myself to feel the entirety of my feelings—I can dissolve that pain body within me and release the energy out into the universe. I am thankful for having the courage to feel sad, even if I don’t fully understand where it’s coming from.

You know what I realized? Being able to be sad is a highly necessary experience because it paves the way for acceptance. Acceptance is the one component that is crucial to allowing ourselves to choose a different path of action. We must accept and deal with where we are before choosing to go in a different direction.

I’m utterly grateful for acceptance, and for the fact that we can always accept any experience. By accepting that we are having a difficult time accepting an experience, we are still inadvertently accepting. How lucky am I to be able to accept the totality of my experience, and then, feel peace about it? It’s okay. And even if it doesn’t feel okay, it is okay. I’m thankful that acceptance allows us to flow with the impermanence of life.

Another thing I’m really gratified with is the ability to ask for help when we need it. I’m so glad we don’t have to do this alone. I’m extremely indebted to my husband and his unwavering support during the good and the bad days! The fact that on days like today, we can just retreat into our little safe haven, watch movies and talk in circles all day is a little piece of heaven on earth. I love that I have so much love in my life—so much support that I can turn to.

Lastly, I had a moment filled with overwhelming gratitude today. As I walked to my car from a baby shower, I saw Faraz holding this little girl in the car. The sight melted my heart. I felt so much happiness and my heart and soul felt full; I felt like I caught a glimpse into the future with our baby girl and I was content.

 02/14/16– Valentine’s day ❤

Happy Valentine’s day!

First and foremost, I am so grateful for love. The ability to feel, express and convey love is something that I think we all take for granted. I can’t even imagine how meaningless my life would be without being able to affect or be affected by others. I’m content in our nature; we were created as relational beings, and I think my desire to connect with the world around me is one of the things that I actually love about myself. I pray, today, that there never comes a day when I find my heart so hard that I am unable to feel. I always want to walk past flower bouquets in the store, and apologize to each one of them; my heart hurts that we cut their lives short just for our own ephemeral pleasure.

I am grateful for being able to feel the effect of another’s presence. One of our dear family members is undergoing surgery tomorrow to remove his cancer. This is his second time battling Ewing’s Sarcoma, and I’m telling you—I have not witnessed someone handle such a trying challenge with as much as grace as he has. I’m thankful for him, and the inspirational effect his bravery, patience, and perseverance have had on me. Today, my run at the gym started out a little bit rough, but I kept him in mind and moved forwards. I know that if our situations were reversed, he would be out there taking full advantage of his abilities.

I am really grateful for the advances we have in medicine, and for all the minds that worked so assiduously to find cures and enhance management of illnesses. Isn’t it crazy to think that some of the same conditions that we can now cure were the lead culprits in our deaths just a few decades ago? This type of reflection makes me hopeful for the future, especially in terms of illnesses that we have not yet found a cure to.

I feel like a broken record when I say this, but one of the things I’m truly grateful for today, again, is movement. Being able to work out physically brings so much comfort into my life; it literally makes me a better human being to be around. I’m truly thankful that partaking in physical activities helps relieve my stress, elevate my mood and provides confidence in my abilities to press forth through life’s challenges. These changes all inspire me to be a better version of myself–a better daughter, wife, cousin, mother, sister etc.  I’m also so blessed, in that, I have a partner that enjoys and values physical activity! Sure, I love making silly fitness videos with my husband; above that, though, I’m really happy that we both are driven by a need to discover the strength that God put in our intricately designed physical bodies. When I finally face God again, I want to be able to look at Him in the eyes, and wholeheartedly declare that there was not even an ounce of talent that He put within me that was left unused ❤

I’m truly grateful for hope. I feel like without it, there would be no meaning to life. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I had requested from God to gift me with a particular blessing; I asked him if He would, mercifully, allow me the gift of being able to run/move throughout my nine months! So far, so good. I’m hopeful. I have a feeling that He will deliver on His part, as long as I utilize and practice my physical capacities to the best of my abilities.

I’m thankful for being pregnant, and for the beginning experiences of motherhood. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was old enough to walk, and I can’t believe it is finally coming true! This was my first Valentine’s Day as two! I’m truly excited, and mildly terrified to see the changes my dear daughter brings about in my life. I hope that if I keep up adequate mental and physical morale, I will be prepared. The frightening parts of motherhood are certainly ameloriated by the fact that I have my husband in this process. I am so, so SO SO glad that he is the father of my daughter; having his support, unwavering love and warm hugs whenever I need them are gifts that I don’t think I will ever be appreciate to the fullest (no matter how hard I try!).

I’m so thankful for the fact that I married my best friend, and for the sensation of “home” that I feel whenever I’m around him. Love and belonging are such crucial aspects to our growth. I’m truly truly grateful that my heart has become connected to someone whose heart is connected to God; his leading by example continues to inspire me to become a better person.