Tag Archives: transformation

I’m burning alive!

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God I have so much shame. I am ugly, disgusting, bad, and dirty. I am worthless. I wish I had nothing to do with me. How is it that I am the creator and receptor of all my hate, mistrust and anger! I feel doomed by myself. God! I cannot believe that I am stuck with me forever. This must be what hell feels like. My permanent doom lies in the fact that I’m destined to share residence with this awful, disgusting repellant of my being.

– An old journal entry of mine

Well, there is some truth to the above passage.

Yes. This is exactly what hell feels like.

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Ever feel absolutely disgusted with yourself, and then even more repelled by your own thoughts about yourself? Me too.

I want us to go visit that dark, demeaning place of self-hate again. I’m hoping that if we go back together, it won’t be as scary. So will you take my hand, so I won’t be so alone?

Are you ready? 1-2-3-JUMP.

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God. I’m burning in this inferno!!! It feels like a million nails are peeling away my burning skin over and over again. Let’s hurry past this layer! I want to go deeper—beyond the self-loathing, because the nauseating abhorrence we feel is actually an illusion. It is a disguise. It is masking the intensely painful feelings of shame and fear that, so often, take over my life–that take over your life.

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Oh god. I thought that burning wrathful inferno was the worst zone, but this–god, this is far more painful. Why is there so much darkness? I feel so empty in this desolate, lonely, and ominously silent substratum. I’m absolutely frightened. I’m so thankful that you are by my side.

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What is this place? Welcome to fear.

We all set these never-ending goals for ourselves—“if I am able to do this by this date and within this time frame, then, and only then, will I be successful. Then, and only then will I love, and accept myself.” I must be __________________ (fill in the blank). I must be a successfully certified counselor; I must get all A’s this semester; I must eat 800 calories a day; I must lose this amount of weight in 3 weeks; I must be able to graduate medical school at the top of my class; My thighs must not touch; I must friends with the “popular” kids; I must be able to speak in public without getting nervous. I must be able to wrestle with a shark in the deepest part of the ocean, while I’m drowning, and still WIN. Might as well add that one on the list, right?

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We put so much pressure on ourselves, and then, we wonder why we feel overworked, exhausted, and overwhelmed. And the most confusing part of all? We still don’t see results. “Wait, wait, wait.  So why the heck are we not achieving our goals even though we are working so damn hard!?”

When we don’t “reach” our goals, we swiftly move onto more planning, goal-setting– more calculating. We take out our whips and try to beat some motivation into ourselves—hoping, that this time, it will be different. Yes, yes. This time we will finally get what we desire.

“I’m gonna make it, because this time, I will accept no failure!” we assertively swear to ourselves!

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How motivating.

In actuality, what’s happening, there, is a foolproof, surefire way to get yourself to fail, yet again. Seriously, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been through that cycle. I’m guessing a lot of you have too.

As we cruelly “goal-set”, we simultaneously give ourselves a debilitating subconscious message: “you MUST do this, and if you don’t do it, YOU are a FAILURE.”

Can you imagine trying to operate under such an overbearing presence? We place crippling, paralyzing pressure on ourselves; we try to cheat ourselves out self-love.

“Shut up, Maham! Nobody’s got time to sit in a cave and work on cultivating self-love. Okay? I have stuff to do.  Don’t you get it? I have to lose this weight before my wedding/before summer/before the world ends.”

I hear you. So, we return to our least favorite, but oh-so-familiar statement.

I will love myself when_________

Don’t you see, my sweet friend? We are all stuck in trying to accomplish our life goals in reverse order! And, it never works out. You know this. You’ve experienced this. It’s like trying to build a skyscraper, without taking the time to establish a proper and durable foundation. Would you like to test climb that building? Yeah, me neither.

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So, we whip ourselves into getting back up, and we try again—only to fall harder and further this time. “OMG! I AM SUCH A FAILURE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? All these other people can accomplish the same thing in 0.00002 minutes and I haven’t been able to do it in a freaking year!”

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We are back in that familiar raging inferno of self-hate. Hey, at least it’s better than that dark fearful layer under it right?

Sweetheart, you’ll be back there again too. It’s a vicious cycle.

We don’t see results that we want–>we panic–> so we put even more pressure on ourselves–> which leads us to fail harder–>the results are still nowhere to be seen.

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How’s that working out for you?

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I’m not mocking you, or looking down on you in any way. I’m not even asking you to become “less uncomfortable” with where you’re at. I know where you’re at; it is really hard. It is gruelingly painful. It may be sucking the very “life” out of your life. I understand because I’ve been there too; I know shame like the back of my hand. I know what it feels like to be in a place where you’re unable to give or receive love; it is impossible to believe people when they say nice things about you because you are so isolated and ashamed.

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What if we try something different? What if we attempt to operate from a place of loving and positive motivation? What if, instead of brutally bludgeoning ourselves for everything we “do wrong”, we make a commitment to appreciate, and pat ourselves on the back for “the few things” we do “right?”

Will that lead to a better chance for success? Will that cause less suffering for you? And for others? I can’t answer those questions for you. I guess you’ll just have to see. I can tell you, however, that trying this changed my life. 

Are you willing to give this a chance?

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ACTIVITY: Think of a goal that you haven’t been able to achieve because you’ve been trapped in the self-hating and fearful cycle we just talked about. Got it? Okay. Now, I want you to commit to writing down 5 things you do “right”, in terms of achieving that goal, every single day. It does not matter how small or big those things are; all that matters is that you physically record them on a sheet of paper, or on a computer. Do this for 10 days and comment below to tell me about your experience ❤

Hey you, you are so flipping loved…by me!

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Drop it like it’s hot!

Here’s a little background on my journey. Prior to getting married, I had always been in the 110-115 lb range at my near 5’5 frame. I was living at home, eating home-cooked food, and consequently, had some regularity in my meals and, therefore, my weight.

Pre-marriage picture
Pre-marriage picture
Recent picture in the same outfit (different jean size of course)
Recent picture in the same outfit (different jean size of course)

After getting married and moving to a bigger city, I was introduced to drive-thru krispy kreme’s and smoothie places. Needless to say, it was lust at first sight.

My wedding day <3
My wedding day ❤

Another thing working against me was that I did not know how to cook especially well; this meant going out to eat a lot. And, frankly, come on! I moved to New Orleans- the city of Cajun friend food! So, I ate. And I ate. And I ate.

A few months after getting married, I went back to my hometown and started getting a few remarks about how “chubby” I had gotten. This was a new thing for me, as my whole life, I had never been told that I was “chunky” or “chubby.” I became especially self-conscious, and decided to step on a scale for the first time in months. 131 lbs stared back at me. I had gained 15-20 lbs in just three months! WHAT????????

Me at my heaviest
Me at my heaviest

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Yeah, Okay! I know that’s not overweight. I realize that its not “too much.” But, I didn’t like the way I looked, and more so, I didn’t like the way I felt. So, I set out to make a few changes.

Over the next year, I went from 131 lbs to a fragile 96 lbs. I didn’t realize that I had plummeted to such an unhealthy weight range, until I visited my primary care physician for my annual check up. I was unaware of my weight loss, because I had stopped weighing myself. I was only tracking my progress based on measurements and the way my clothes fit.

Me at 96 lbs
Me at 96 lbs
Another picture of me at 96 lbs
Another picture of me at 96 lbs

Needless to say, after that doctors visit, I kinda freaked out. (shoutout to my patient husband, who picked me up and calmed my bawling self down 😉 ). I, then, set out to return to a state of balance, remaining careful in my journey, as I wanted to gain the weight back in muscle mass. I did not want to pack on lbs of fat as I had done before. Consequently, I added weight training into my predominantly cardio regimen, and began to incorporate more protein sources into my diet. I steadily gained muscle over the course of the next 6 months.

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This brings us to current times :). I haven’t weighed myself in a few months. However, the last time I was keeping track, my weight seemed to stay between 104-108 lbs (this was in late April 2014). I don’t like weighing myself anymore, as that is a slippery slope for someone like me, who tends to get trapped in the “perfectionism” cycle easily.

Notice that my pre-wedding weight was around 110-115 lbs; this is close to the 104-108 lb range I was in a few months ago.

Look at how different the recent pictures look from the very first pictures in this post. That should be a testament to the fact that weight isn’t everything. 110 lbs of predominantly muscle looks starkly different from 110 lbs of predominantly fat.

Recent picture
Recent picture
Recent picture #2
Recent picture #2

 

I wasn’t always able to jump around from bench to bench like a lemur. I wasn’t always able to do pushups, or chin ups. I was not always able to run for an hour. So what is my secret? What did I do? Well, read on!

Change #1

I cut out almost 60% of refined, processed WHITE carbohydrates. This was probably one of the biggest, and initially one of the HARDEST changes I made. Don’t you love how those two things usually go together? Anyway, I stopped eating white rice, white bread, doughnuts, cookies, etc. Please note that this did not happen overnight. I did not go “cold-turkey” or shift to an all-or-nothing sort of mindset. In fact, I am munching on Lorna Doone shortbread cookies as I write this. PS- they are delicious.

Personally speaking, I do not think quitting something entirely is sustainable, or even “healthy”. It may be more healthful for the body, however, I don’t see this restrictive type of thinking as beneficial to the mind. As someone who already struggles with perfectionism, it is extremely important for me to steer away from the “nevers”,”always” and “forevers”; It is truly a minute-to-minute struggle to remind myself to live in moderation.

Anyway, I simply began to reduce my intake of “white carbohydrates.” I remember that, at first, I replaced them with brown rice and wheat bread. As time went on, I replaced the brown rice with quinoa and I actually stopped craving bread altogether. If I had to choose, most of my weight reduction was a result of this change. bread1

Change #2

The first “excercise tool” I purchased was not some fancy sportswatch; instead, it was a $5 pedometer. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that is, it is a simple tool that counts the steps you take each day. I began by tracking how many steps I walk in a typical day, and started to increase that number the next day. So, each day I was walking more than the day before. The key to this is holding yourself accountable. I remember that some days,I had to drag myself out of bed to go walk around the house one more time, so that the number of steps I took was at least 1 step greater than the day before. Since this was an active goal, it inadvertently led me to park further in parking lots and to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

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Change #3

I started a food journal! I started recording the calories in the foods I was eating. Since weight loss, at its basis, results from a caloric deficit (taking in less than you burn), food logging was very helpful. Now, I do have to say that this can easily become obsessive, so I have a tip for you. I want you to to start thinking of caloric deficits on a weekly instead of daily basis. How many calories are you eating per week? How many calories are you burning per week? After you’ve answered these questions, try to create a deficit of at 1300-2500 calories in the number every proceeding week. Continue this, till you have reached your target body type. The reason I recommend doing this on a weekly basis is for enhanced sustainability. It becomes really hard not to beat yourself about having a “bad day” if you focus too much on daily calories. There will be days where you eat more. There will be days where you eat less. Consequently, it is more sustainable and healthy to assess your nutrition progress weekly.

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Change #4

Oh this is going to be a kicker for so many of you–guess what? I stopped weighing myself. Take your measuring tapes, and cameras out, and throw your scale out the window (don’t do this if you live on the 2nd or 3rd floor lol). Weigh-ins can become really depleting, and may lead you to feel dejected. Sustainable weight loss is slow. The reason I said “sustainable” is because people can starve themselves for a few weeks, and drop tons of weight, however, once they start re-feeding, the gains will be back. True, lasting, weight loss is slow and steady, especially if you are trying to maintain it. If you weigh yourself, and don’t see that “magical number” we all create in our heads, it can become sadly easy to give up, and return to old habits.

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Change #5

Only after making the above-mentioned changes, did I get a membership to the gym, and make any active attempts towards exercising. The first exercise program I ever tried in attempt to lose weight was Sean T’s Insanity. Yes, I did lose weight on it, however, it is an extremely challenging fitness program. I felt like I was going to die during the WARMUP. I finished Sean T’s insanity, and joined the local gym. There, I began to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day. This also assisted in further weight loss. As I felt more comfortable , I started venturing out to the elliptical machines, and began to take spin classes. These were all very helpful. I will say this, however: if you decide to take spin classes, please be careful about raising the resistance too high, as this may cause your quads/thighs to bulk up.

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Important Point: Long-duration cardio (>25 minutes) is going to be your main arsenal when it comes to weight loss. This is predominantly all I did when I first started my fitness journey. The thing with cardio is that it will initiate you losing “weight”; this means that you’re going to be losing fat but also some muscle.

Important Point: Spot reduction is not possible. We cannot say: “doughnuts go to my butt, and cardio, subtract from my belly.” It simply does not work that way. When the body loses weight, it loses weight evenly. You can do ab excercises all day and night, and have a 6-pack. You will not be able to see that 6 pack, unless you employ cardio to help decrease the layer of adipose tissue, or fat, that covers that muscle group.

 Change #6

My heaviest “carb” meal, to this day, is still breakfast, or my “pre-workout meal”. This way, I utilize most of the food that I eat throughout the day. For dinner, I have mostly protein and vegetables. I don’t need heavy carbs during the night, as my activity level is going to be low.

Basik Acai

Change #7

Portion sizing goes a long way! Simply reduce the portions you take- even if it is just by a little bit. Subtracting a ton of “little bits” eventually add up to a lot of weight loss. Rule of thumb: the amount of grainy carbs you eat in one meal should be, at max, the size of one fist.

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Change #8

Alright, alright. Warning! if you are a healthnut reading this, you are not going to like this change. When I first started on my fitness journey, I started “replacing” foods solely based on the caloric value. I didn’t care if the replacement was all natural, organic, vegan, gluten free etc. Since my initial goal was weight loss, I was only concerned about taking in a lower amount of calories. Consequently, I started replacing normal cookies with 100-calorie Lorna doone packets or 90 calorie special k cereal bars. I started replacing whole milk with unsweetened almond milk. I replaced sugar with stevia, and white bread with low calorie multigrain crackers. I’ve gotten more health-oriented now, however, this post is not about me now, it is about when I first started.

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So, here you go. This highly-requested blog post is almost done. I haven’t told you guys my #1 secret though.

So, here goes: There is no way that I would have been able to do this if I had come from a place of extreme self-loathing. It is one thing to WANT to change; it is another thing to hate yourself through the whole journey.

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You will NEVER be able to accomplish anything if your motivation is from a hateful, critical place. It is not sustainable. How far can a horse run if you keep whipping it harshly across the back? It may run faster, at first, out of fear and shock. In the long run, however, it will slow down, and eventually, fall to the crippling pressure. So, please, don’t set yourself up for failure.

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I love you ❤ Please remember to love you too!

we are all beautiful

 

 

 

Kayla Itsines BBG: Slimming bulky legs

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As most of you know, I completed Kayla Itsines’ Bikini Body Guide program. I’ve gotten tons of direct messages, as well as questions embedded in comments regarding my sentiments on the guide. Do I recommend it?

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In short, the answer is YES. I do. It is a wonderful guide that includes tons of new innovative fitness ideas. I can easily say that my approach towards fitness has been changed forever, because of it.

So, the million dollar question: how did my body change?

Well first,  I did take pictures along my journey, however the reason you haven’t seen these progress photos is because it is against my religion to show my bare stomach/legs. I can tell you that after completing the guide, I had more tone in my arms, abs and back than I have ever had in my entire life. The muscle tone I’m referring to is the lean, petite, defined look, as opposed to the bulky muscular look.

I truly think that when Kayla released her guides, she called them a “GUIDE” for a reason. It is simply a set of her recommendations that could be helpful in attaining a certain body type. HOWEVER, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR OWN BODY, because it should be the primary reference and teacher in showing you whether or not something is working. So although, I recommend the guide, I do NOT recommend it as a replacement for trust in your body and your own experience.

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This leads me to talk about something so many of you have questioned me about: slimming down muscular legs. A few weeks into her guide, I found that my thighs/quads were gaining more muscle than I preferred. So, I tweaked a few details, to help reshape my legs to the way I desire.

I have to say this one more time! I don’t think that Kayla’s intent for creating the guide was to provide a “foolproof” way to get the body you want; there is no ONE way that can work for every single girl in the world. Her guides are lavished with helpful guidelines and tidbits of knowledge, so please don’t doubt the validity of your own experience with another’s suggestions–not even mine!

In my journey, I discovered that I’m an ecto/mesomorph breed, which means I tend to pack on muscle like no tomorrow. I can see it, and I can feel it. This works in my favor when it comes to abs/arms and back definition. However, my legs tend to become disproportionately bulky. What do I mean by that? Well, my calves/lower half of my legs do not budge in size, whereas the upper half of my legs start bulking, and it looks a little strange to me haha.

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A few blog posts ago, I gave you general tips regarding slimming bulky legs. But so many of you have been questioning me about how to incorporate these tips into Kayla’s guide. In short, the question seems to be: what types of changes did I make to ensure my leg size did not increase while I was doing Kayla’s guide? 

Now, as far as the SPECIFIC guide…

On M,W,F

  • AM: I’ll do LISS in the morning (power-walking) for 45-60 minutes.
  • PM: I’ll do the desginated workout from Kayla’s guide

On T, Th

  • AM: I’ll do moderate intensity cardio (jogging/ellipitcal) for 30-45 minutes.
  • PM: I will stretch or do vinyasa flow yoga for an hour.

Saturdays: LISS only

Sunday: Rest day

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FIRST AND FOREMOST, I had to incorporate more LISS-MISS to for longer bouts of time. Why? Because the only time that there may ever a need for your body to turn to your muscles for fuel is in the late stages of extreme endurance running. When glycogen or carbohydrate stores are depleted, your body will turn to the only fuel source left — amino acid proteins in your skeletal muscles. Only then, will it turn these into glucose for fuel.

So please note that losing muscle is HARD. Our bodies do not, naturally, want to do this. So  be patient with yourself during this process.

An example of my favorite/most effective workouts that I did on Tuesdays and Thursdays is this one:  I would start by jogging at 5 mph on a treadmill. I would then increase the spped in increments of 0.3 mph every minute. So, each proceeding minute, I would jog at 5.3 mph, 5.6 mph, 5.9 mph, etc. I would continue doing this for a total of 5 minutes.

Minute 1: 5.0 mph

Minute 2: 5.3 mph

Minute 3: 5.6 mph

Minute 4: 5.9 mph

Minute 5: 6.2 mph

Once I reached 6.2 mph, I would start coming back down in 1 minute increments. So…

Minute 6: 6.2 mph

Minute 7: 5.9 mph

Minute 8: 5.6 mph

Minute 9: 5.3 mph

Minute 10: 5.0 mph

I would keep repeating this circuit for a total of 30-45 minutes.

This is ONE example of training at a moderate-high intensity. Remember, in order to train at a moderate intensity, you must determine your heart rate training zones. Working at a “low” or “mod” or “high” intensity is not defined by the specific workout you do. It’s defined by how “hard” your heart has to work to maintain the workout. I could simply be doing the elliptical for 30 minutes at a speed of 9.0 mph and this would still constitute as moderate intensity training for me, as my heart rate falls in between the moderate training zones.

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I also incorporated yoga into my regimen. I cannot emphasize how much yoga helped with elongating contracted muscles! It’s counterintuitive because it’s generally a low impact/low intensity activity, and consequently, does not burn as many calories. However, it has really worked wonders for helping me stay lean and long.

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Now, as far as the specific “LEG day” circuit, I made a few adjustments

  1. I only did 1 round of the entire circuit! So I did Circuit 1, and Circuit 2. Each circuit is 7 minutes, so I only did 14 total minutes, and stopped. I did NOT repeat both circuits a second time around. Instead, what I did were these excercises: 
  2. I replaced all weighted squats/weighted lunges. Whenever the guide instructed me to do jump squats/weighted squats, i would turn them into plie jump squats. plies
  3. Whenever the guide instructed me to do weighted lunges/jump lunges, I would replace them with the lunges shown in this video. Please fast forward to 5:26 to watch the move! 
  4. NOTE: if you find that your legs are still remaining “bulky” even with the above-mentioned replacements, start replacing those exercises high intensity full-body plyometric movements. This way, you are incorporating more of the entire body and therefore, no longer targeting quads and hams. Some replacements you can try include:  jumping jacks, star jumps, plank jacks, skaters, tuck jumps, hurdles, leap frogs, 180 jumps etc. Here is a video of common plyometric exercises you can browse through and choose: 

In summary, the above-mentioned recommendations are what helped me return less muscular-looking legs. You know the famous saying: “if you don’t use it, you lose it.” Well, remember it and use it to your favor. If you’re not using the muscle, while eating at a deficit, you WILL start losing muscle (the time it takes each person varies, but I promise you, that it will occur). The reason I made these replacements is because I did not want to target the leg muscles. Full-body plyo movements cause power to be generated across a larger surface area, and therefore allow the entire body to become more evenly engaged. Whereas, squatting and doing lunges unevenly distribute power to target the legs. Think about it, if someone is doing lunges and squats in the “proper form”, their upper body is as close to still as possible. As mesomorph ladies trying to lose muscle, we do not want to overwork our leg muscles, causing them to hypertrophy.

yehwala

 

Workout of the day

Hi ya’ll, I decided to start documenting my workouts! THIS BLOG WILL BE UPDATED REGULARLY. I will post my daily/weekly workouts on here so that you can gain new and innovative ideas regarding changing up your workout regimen.

07/31/2014

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07/30/2014

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Oldies but goodies

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