Trauma has a way of upending our world in an instant. For women who have bravely endured rape, abuse, or assault, the initial aftermath can feel like standing in most turbulent part of a hurricane—overwhelmed, shaken, unsure where to turn.
While the emotional chaos may feel insurmountable, it’s important to know this: healing is possible, and you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. How do I know this? Because you’re proof. You merely reading this blog post by some random stranger shows me that despite how I may feel at times, I’m not actually alone.
My goal for this blog post is to offer insights, actionable steps, and compassionate guidance to help us begin the process of recovery, no matter the crisis. We have already shown extraordinary strength by surviving. Now, let’s focus on taking the first steps toward healing.
1. Acknowledge the Overwhelm: You are not broken.
The days immediately following trauma are often filled with a tangle of emotions—shock, guilt, anger, sadness, and fear. These feelings are not a sign of weakness or failure. They are a normal response to an abnormal event. Trauma impacts both the mind and body, and understanding this can be the first step toward regaining control.
Take a moment to remind yourself that what happened to you does not define who you are. You are not broken. If you take anything away from this pedantic blog, please let it be this: you are not broken. We are simply responding to a devastating experience, and that, in itself, is a reflection of your humanity.
ACTIONABLE STEP: Begin by naming your emotions. Journaling, voice recording, or even speaking aloud to yourself can help you identify and process these feelings. This first step is vital in beginning to untangle the emotional storm inside.
2. Prioritize Your Safety and Basic Needs
The immediate aftermath of trauma can leave you feeling unsafe in your own skin. Reestablishing a sense of security, both physically and emotionally, is crucial. That might mean creating boundaries with people who don’t support your recovery or avoiding places that trigger painful memories.
Coming from a culture in which we aren’t to date, it is so easy to pin any sort of negative domestic exchange on the women. The dissolution of a marriage? a woman’s fault. The husband cheating? it’s the woman’s fault. Assault, abuse, rape? No brainer. WOMAN’S FAULT.
And honestly, I don’t think it’s an exclusively cultural thing. I see it everywhere–in every continent; that makes my heart very sad.
If I had a penny for every time I’ve sought out support and understanding in contemporary culture and heard the statements above instead, I would be a millionaire—
“See, this is why Allah swt told you not to date–He knew these things would happen (which to some extent, I agree), –so it is your fault. If you hadn’t dated, you wouldn’t have suffered ______”
I digress.
In the aftermath of a crisis, it is equally important to tend to your physical needs as well, such as adequate sleep, nourishing food, and hydration. These seem like small tasks, but they lay the foundation for emotional healing.
ACTIONABLE STEP: If safe, reach out to a trusted support system, whether it’s a friend, family member, hotline, or therapist. Convey your need for safety and begin to design a personal plan to help you feel grounded.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Survivors of rape and abuse often try to suppress their feelings, either out of fear of being judged or because the feelings are too hard to face. However, bottling up your emotions will only prolong your pain. It’s okay to cry, yell, rest, or express your emotions in a way that feels safe for you.
One of the most painful consequences of trauma is feeling invalidated—whether that’s by others or your own inner critic. You may hear thoughts like:
it was my fault
it was because i wore that
it was because I drank too much
it was because I was vulnerable. I knew I shouldn’t have gone.
it was because I dated.
it was because I asked for it.
it was because I don’t remember it.
The list goes ON and ON. But you know what I find to be the motif among the list….
“It was because I deserved it'”.
ACTIONABLE STEP- Try journaling as a form of release. Write without censuring yourself—this is a space just for you. Putting your feelings into words can help you process what happened and regain some sense of control. Remember, feelings are not right or wrong; they are simply part of your healing process.
For me, writing poetry is such a cathartic experience. When I’m flooded with intrusive thoughts, I start finding words that rhyme in my head. Honestly, as a kindergarten teacher, it works. It takes quite a bit of brain power to generate words that rhyme–much less, string them together in a sentence that abstractly captures my feelings.
Understand the Immediate Aftermath of Trauma
When trauma occurs, your body and mind react instinctively to process what happened. These reactions—whether they manifest as numbness, fear, anger, guilt, or disbelief—are completely normal. Your brain is trying to make sense of something senseless and figure out how to protect you moving forward.
Many survivors describe feeling like they’re in a fog or like life has suddenly changed in an instant. After a sexual assault or act of abuse, the fight-or-flight response remains heightened, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion. The first step in addressing these overwhelming reactions is to remind yourself: everything you’re feeling right now is a valid response to trauma.
Our journey to healing starts with self-compassion.
And that’s what we’ll dive deeper into in my next post–practicing self-compassion.
But for now…
ACTIONABLE STEP: Start practicing and incorporating self-compassion.
I know I’ve been posting a lot about the “highlights” of my journey. However, I don’t want to promote toxic positivity; in reality, my journey really has been a roller coaster ride; ever since I found out that I had PCOS, which naturally perpetuated insulin resistance, my world and body have made a complete 180.
Or that’s what I’d ideally like to think.
I have made some serious changes to my diet and exercise. The amount of discipline I’ve dedicated to restoring my health has been somewhat of a shock to me. Honestly, at the beginning of April, I wondered if I’d ever be able to stick with a routine.
Don’t get me wrong. I AM proud of myself.
But, today is just not one of those days I feel that way.
Have you ever cued into your body’s messages and realized that something feels off–like you’re off-centered, or off-balance?
Yet, for the life of it, you cannot seem to pinpoint the concrete event that triggered that feeling in the first place.
Today, I’ve been experiencing unsettling sensations in my body. I can feel, intuitively, that something has triggered me; however, I can’t seem to place my thumb on what that trigger was. These icky sensations have started to manifest themselves physiologically as well.
I feel like I got hit by a train today. That’s especially strange since yesterday was a rest day; my body “should” be feeling rejuvenated but it doesn’t. I’ve felt more fatigued today than I have in the last 30 days. So much so that I had to call out of work as I was barely able to wake up.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!?
It’s so strange because if I witness my mind, I can catch myself wandering towards self-sabotage. An odd feeling; I encourage everyone to try it. It’s like having an out-of-body experience. You start having thoughts like:
Whoa! “Maham” really wants to act on the urge to self sabotage. “Maham” is feeling really upset. “Maham is wanting to act out.”…
Speaking of acting out, I ate all the carbs I could today.
Even though, I knew they would make me feel horrible. And they did.
My body literally sent them right back up, and out. And you know what I did afterwards?
EAT MORE CARBS.
WTF
So with that knowledge, most would find it reasonable to go on a run, take a good pilates class, or engage in some HIIT; most would move towards the direction of improving their present situation.
But not me.
I have continued lying in bed, in and out of sleep, literally paralyzed with this insidious feeling of unease.
And it’s not because I have no one to share these painful feelings with. It’s more of an inability to ACTUALLY get myself to a place where I feel courageous enough to be seen & heard.
It feels like crazymaking when you can acknowledge the support system around you, and STILL not utilize it.
This “off” feeling is undoubtedly affecting my relationship with Ayrah– which honestly leads tomy feeling even more worthless.
I swear, children are so intuitive; nothing gets past them. I’ve seen it happen with infants, toddlers, elementary school children and even our middle schoolers. Similarly, I can try and put on my best facade for Ayrah, but she can read right through the BS to my true energy.
The million dollar question…
WHY has some part of me become hellbent on destroying the progress I’ve made?
I…don’t know.
that is the most authentic answer I can give to all of you and myself right now.
I don’t know about yall, but not “knowing” makes me feel even more nervous. Uncertainty and I still are building a relationship. On my best days, I’m able to tolerate it. That’s it though.
There has been no embracing it with open arms or making it an ally 🚫
and then I get so HARD on myself….!
I “should” know right? I “should” be able to pick myself up out of this one random overcast day, right?
I should–especially because I have a Masters in this “mind stuff”. I’ve been taught the stuff to say, the interventions to use, given the worksheets to utilize and skills to practice….
If I was trained & entrusted with helping others walk through their uncertainty & triggers, shouldn’t i just be able do it for myself???
……
But I can’t.
THAT is the confounding paradox.
Something is wrong. I don’t know what it is. But, I feel it with such a powerful intuition! For my yogis, and reiki companions, I feel a palpable blockage in my throat and heart chakras. It’s like there’s a disruption between what my heart is feeling and my ability to communicate it to my environment 🌏
It feels like there is a frog in my throat. Like each time I attempt to speak up, the “cat gets my tongue” and I’m left a blubbering mess.
I feel similar to what Hansel & Gretel might’ve felt–I’m trying to find my way to a specific, concrete destination while not knowing where/what it is.
It’s interesting becauseI can tell my body is trying to communicate with me. I find the unsettling somatic sensations analogous to the bread-crumbs that Hansel and Gretel dropped on their path. They are clues that are meant to lead me back home. These visit sensations are trying, relentlessly, to communicate with me. They are constantly alerting me of the deviation from our natural emotional homeostasis.
I don’t know about you, but I often find myself starting to let shame slip through the doors during times like this. It’s hard not to.
The inner critic takes center stage and starts declaring these statements that sound ludicrous, that are ludicrous, and yet somehow…they still affect me.
“Omg! You ate a mini can of Pringles today…all your progress is ruined.! You’re a failure. Save yourself the dissapointment of keeping up with a healthy diet or workout routine, because we both know you’re going to fail. Do you want to feel that worthless again? So stop while youre ahead.”
When I type it out, it sounds crazy; I know it does.
What’s even crazier is that when it’s not typed out–and instead, fired directly from my brain to my body, without enough time for reflection, I actually start to BELIEVE the unreasonable monologue.
I know that a lot of people who have experienced trauma go through similar experiences. Trauma tends to fragment our thoughts, emotions and sensations in an attempt to protect us from overwhelming pain. The final part of trauma recovery involves the integration of these “compartments” and I can’t honestly say that I have completed full reintegration. Sure, there are times when I feel more integrated than others. however, at times like this…I feel at a loss
.
Many trauma researchers have theorized that painful emotions during a traumatic event usually get stored in the body as tension and pain. If not treated, these may lead to the onset of physical diseases.
Consequently, it makes perfect sense that the body could experience discomfort long before the mind can subconsciously pull out, and identify the focalized trigger or cascade of events that caused the unsettling sensations in the first place.
If you haven’t already, I highly recommend my friends undergoing trauma recovery to pick this book up. It is a life changer!
Sigh– since I’m at a loss, I’m going to throw it out to you guys!
What do you do if/when you feel this way?
I am trying to practice self-compassion but I feel so much shame—especially in the motherhood arena.
I get Ayrah only during the holidays so I put this extra pressure on myself to ENJOY and spend every single moment with her. It’s unrealistic.
and when I’m unable to do so, I feel like I’m a horrible mother. i feel like a failure. I feel like I’m inflicting these massive, irreversible wounds of abandonment or trauma in my child. But I KNOW that children are resilient. I KNOW that you don’t have to be the perfect parent; you just have to be ENOUGH. But KNOWING those things is not enough to stop the distorted thoughts from morphing into deep shame.
“Look at you…”, my mind snarls, “you go teach other parents’ kids all day long–you give them your best, only to come home to your child completely depleted, drained, and grumpy. She gets to have ethe worst of you. Great job, Maham.”
“And oh yeah, let’s not forget that you don’t even get for the whole year. She’ll be gone by the end of the summer, probably thanking God that she doesn’t have to be around a wreck of a mother.”
Thoughts like these create that dreaded negative feedback loop, where my belief of failing keeps me from being authentic and present with my child. When I’m not transparent with Ayrah, she can sense it and I know she can sense it. That just results in my confirming the “belief” that I’m a “failure”. And round and round we go…
till it bleeds into every and ANY interaction I have with my wonderful, magnificent daughter.
For now, I’m going to ride this wave out, let the emotions move through me, deliver their messages and move OUT of me. I want to keep you all updated as it helps me stay accountable.
In the meantime, I’d really appreciate any advice, ideas or suggestions about how you’ve managed to stay “relatively” sane through these ” emotional ruts”. And if you don’t have any, it would mean so much to me if you could practice enough vulnerability and share similar struggles that you may have had. Brene Brown, renowned author and sociologist, states that the most POWERFUL words we can communicate to one another during a time of pain or shame are “Me too”. I believe this is because it helps normalize the icky feelings we all may feel from time to time. For me, it lets me know that I’m not crazy or alone in feeling these ways at times. I hope its okay to KNOW what to do yet still not quite have mustered the motivation to actually implement it.
Would ❤️ to hear from you,
Till tomorrow—here is to hoping I don’t eat the entire Costco box of all the Pringles containers by the AM 😉
If you have found yourself stumbling on my blog, the first thing I want you to know is that I have no idea what I’m doing. The second thing I want to share with you, in an attempt to tease out my own narrative from others, is MY story.
After almost 3 decades of dissociation, I am exhausted.
It’s not a matter of whether or not I want to be the “bubbly, outgoing” Mrs. Sunshine anymore.
Because trust me, I do
—that “facet” of me is far more…personable. It’s more cheerful & loveable.
The problem is that no matter how hard I try, I simply CANNOT maintain it any longer. I have lost my ability to dissociate.
I have been “too strong” for “too long”.
It’s ironic, though, because I’ve never felt weaker.
My “functionality” if measured by productivity and performance has plummeted severely, and yet–mental health professionals seem to agree that this is the “best” I’ve been doing in decades.
Why?
Because after decades, I have started to FEEL again.
“In my 40 years of practice,” an esteemed psychiatrist stated, “your case is one of the most compelling and confounding cases I’ve encountered.”
“With the intensity and frequency of traumas that you have experienced, I would expect you to be curled up in a mental health facility for life—probably, on the verge of psychosis.”
To them, “these darker components” of me are completely congruent with the horrific experiences I’ve gone through.
The problem, they declare IS the façade.
That ditzy, bubbly, “happy-go-lucky” persona does not accurately reflect the life I’ve lived; It does not reveal the struggles I face or do justice in celebrating the adversities I’ve overcome.
For so long, I viewed my ability to get everything “done” in a tormenting environment as my greatest strength. Being able to “detach myself from my feelings” has been the key to all my successes.
Or so I thought.
When we cut ourselves off from our “feelings”, we aren’t just blocking out the negative emotions; We, inadvertently, also lock our hearts from experiencing joy, intimacy, love, and connection.
It isn’t normal to get beaten brutally at 5 am, letting myself cry for about 5 minutes, and then forcing myself to shut down and “get my sh*t together”.
I remember walking to the library in the early hours of the morning, completely numb–absolutely oblivious to what had just happened. I studied for a few hours—only to arrive at my 8 am organic chemistry class to ace exam after exam.
It’s as nothing even happened. I didn’t feel pain. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel at all.
I remember noticing the odd glances, the hushed whispers, and the puzzled expressions of my classmates, as I pranced into the auditorium covered in bruises.
At the time, I thought there was something wrong with everyone else. Why were they staring at me?
The day of my final exam was no different. I walked in at 8 am; I recall my professor pulling me aside; I remember studying him curiously as he tried not to glare at the blue-black bruises that were now forming around my eye sockets.
He empathically offered to arrange for me to take the exam another day, however, just like every other time, I resisted his offer. Instead, I marched vehemently to my seat to ace the exam.
& I did. I graduated with summa cum laude; what i didn’t realize was that the cost of those “perfect 4.0’s” would eventually catch up to me.
You see…my professor had seen me throughout the year, pulling off these dissociative stunts nearly every week.
& as the semester continued, his growing suspicions became more and more plausible. It is saddening now as I think about it–
— because I know that he “knew” what was going on. His hands were tied because I denied everything.
Every week, it was a new excuse, “oh I ran into a blunt tree branch because I wasn’t looking”, “I accidentally fell and hit my cheekbones against the console”, “Besides, I have anemia and tend to bruise really easily..”
“It’s really nothing” I said over and over again–until I accidentally started believing it.
In retrospect, I think ANYONE with half a brain probably “knew” what was going on at the time.
The problem was that I had shunned that “half of MY brain” deep into ignorant oblivion.
Recently…I’ve realized I’m doing something similar again.
I’ve been utilizing my social media platforms as a way to convince MYSELF that I’m “okay”.
Maybe if I just manufacture a life that FEELS good on Instagram, I might feel “okay”….
However, the truth is… I am not okay.
I don’t think I’ve ever experienced what “okay” actually feels like…
I haven’t been even close to being “okay” for the last 7 months.
I haven’t driven my car in 7 months because I’m terrified.
I haven’t gone to a single modeling shoot in 7 months.
I haven’t applied to a single casting call in 7 months.
I’ve barely left the house for 7 months.
I haven’t hung out with anyone I consider a friend for 7 months.
I’ve finally crashed.
What I HAVE done in the last 7 months is hide behind my phone –
I’ve wasted countless hours laboring over Instagram algorithms, hashtags, and engagement strategies in an attempt to gain external validation from all of you because I loathe myself.
I dove headfirst into trying to portray a life that “looked good” on the surface because, in my heart of hearts, I felt so hopeless, sad, and repulsed by myself.
— but what I’ve noticed is…
…the more adamant I become about my attempts to “fake it”, the more drained, lost, and depleted I feel at the end of the day.
And the vicious cycle of distracting myself from the self-hatred goes on and on.
The truth is…
that through social media, I was being inauthentic with myself…with God…and with all of you.
& it’s ironic because in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that connection and community are byproducts of authenticity and vulnerability—two things I am fatally afraid of actually practicing.
Despite how much I crave connection and belonging, I haven’t allowed myself to be vulnerable or authentic—in a very long time.
In my adolescent days, when I did practice vulnerability–when I did truly let someone in— I nearly lost my life to their abuse.
However, advanced medicine and meticulously trained doctors helped revive & restore my physical body to health.
But who do you go to help you revive your soul? How do you restore someone’s sense of safety in the world after it’s been taken away?
The truth is…I had stopped “living” long before my heart ever gave out.
I don’t know where to begin my story.
I haven’t come up with a strategy to tell it. There is no rhyme or reason.
& for the first time, there are no angles.
I don’t even know if sharing the ENTIRETY of all the horrific details surrounding these incidents is even helpful to me or you.
I don’t want to trigger you or re-traumatize me.
& these blog posts take a lot out of me.
Honestly, I don’t know much at all right now.
What I DO know is—I have to start somewhere.
I have to start— because I want to live.
I want to connect.
I want to move and be moved by people.
I want to feel like I’m worthy enough to take space in this world.
I want to feel like I’m worthy of being Ayrah’s mother.
I know that I eventually want to use my experiences to help elucidate the hope, resilience, and relentless will to survive that lies dormant within each of us.
How curious it is that the words of a stranger online—some that I’ve never even met—help to feel more understood than some of my closest confidantes.
I posted, authentically, for the first time on Instagram a few days ago—
& the responses I received from you all—your messages glowing with genuine care—
I cant disregard or downplay how much they meant to me.
They bring me to tears even now.
How is it that mere acquaintances and even strangers can communicate such a piercingly deep empathy for another?
And what’s more confounding is that they can do it over an impersonal digital platform.
What a puzzling and powerful world we live in…
So…for those of you who are willing to walk alongside me in this journey…
Please know that it is going to be the furthest thing from perfect; In fact, it’s probably going to be a very messy ride.
I wanted to thank YOU
For caring. For existing. For reaching out.
–for helping me get to a point where I am willing to myself be seen.
If there is one thing I want to make abundantly clear through my blog, it’s this—
The EFFECT that even ONE person, like you, can have on another’s life is immeasurable.
Your responses led me to question the unchallenged abusive & demeaning narratives I’ve been repeating to myself for years.
Because…
WHAT IF those people were wrong?
What if I do share myself openly with you—with the world—and I discover that I AM actually worthy of love and belonging?
What if I hush the voices that tell me that I will be rejected, ostracized, and ridiculed again just long enough to be seen for who I am?
Even though, this may be the scariest endeavor of my life—
What if, to my surprise, I find that the world loves me back just as deeply as I love it?
What if all the “sunshine” I’ve tried to sprinkle in the lives of so many is finally returned to me?
What if I’m not a waste of space? Or a burden to this earth?
What if I’m not “damaged goods” that no one will want after being raped?
And the biggest “What if?”
What if there ISN’T anything inherently wrong with me?
Or even better—
What if there is SO much wrong with me…
— & yet still, I am met with acceptance & love despite my numerous imperfections.
They say it is better to have “loved and lost” than to never have loved at all.
I disagree.
I lost myself in you.
I almost lost myself TO you, literally.
You killed me once.
The problem, you see, is that I followed faithfully in your footsteps.
I chose to stay.
I chose to retell, repeat, and relive the tormenting narrative you created for me.
I chose to kill myself, slowly—arduously—painfully—every single day—for decades.
Until now.
For as long as I can remember–my life, both figuratively and literally, has been in your hands.
As I sit here, sifting through the decades of dejection, I can wholeheartedly tell you that no person is worth sacrificing your sanity.
Day one or “one day…”?
Its finally day one.
Today is the day I finally let go.
I am shakily, and finally choosing differently.
& do you know the most pathetic part?
I am so scared.
Believing the delusion that your violence might have been “love” is far easier than accepting the fact that the “love” I romanticized was never there at all.
I am so deathly afraid to let you go—
—even though you have been the most toxic, unhelpful relationship in my life…
I feel fear.
& it’s not because of the alternating black eyes, hushed bruises, or broken bones…
Those heal.
I’ve watched too many of them fade from my body like mirages on a hot day.
I trace my fingers over the ever-so-familiar, black-blue spots I’ve, now, come to find disturbing comfort in.
But they’re gone—
All that remains is the eerie echoes of your query whispers.
“If you looked like (her) _____, or carried yourself like (her)_______, then I wouldn’t be beating you…” you echo menacingly through time, “the reason I’m doing this is because there is something INHERENTLY wrong with you. You deserve this.”
Your words ring in my brain– taunting me, haunting me— till the singular motivation becomes about escape—
I must outrun the crippling hatred erupting relentlessly within me.
And over decades of deterioration…I have tried to “escape”.
But I have no room to talk. You were right–
I couldn’t even succeed at the one thing you’ve told me I should have always done.
The truth is, as you say, I am a coward.
I am spineless, identity-less, and lower than the scum on the bottom of the pond..
I couldn’t do it successfully. I came very close.
But “almost” doesn’t cut it.
Who expected a service dog to lounging silently on a neighbor’s porch on a freezing December night?
2020—
I ran 5 miles at my fastest pace–
My avid runners–ya’ll would be so proud of my splits!!!
I even beat my PR (personal [best] record)
& after approaching fatigue…I looked around to double check that no one was within sight.
& in the deafening silence of the night…
I carefully wrapped the ankle weights I use for strength training around my weary legs…
And I….jumped…into the deepest pond I had scouted out a few weeks before.
The clock had struck midnight—it was finally my birth “day”…December 4th.
The paralyzing pressure of the water, the languish in my legs, and the curling coldness enveloped me as I was unable to swim to the surface.
And the last thought I remember thinking, as I sank slowly to the bottom
—was tragically about you.
I thought about your cruel words.
“If you want to do the world a favor, Maham…”, you snarled in my slowing brain “just go ahead and do what is needed to be done”
And…. I couldn’t do it.
But I tried.
That damn service dog had alerted his owner with his incessant barking–causing a complete stranger to walk out–and see what was happening. 911.
“Just do it! kill yourself.” I heard under the murky, dark water.
My arms, naturally, fought to try to get to the surface.
But I couldn’t.
It was getting harder and harder to breathe.
I could feel my my lungs give out.
…and I fought—when it came down to it–I FOUGHT to try to get back up to the surface….
Until I heard the final echo of your voice that night….
“Everything you touch turns to misery anyway.”
I heard those last demeaning words…and I stopped fighting.
In that moment, I made the decision to let go.
I let flailing arms fall to my side and closed my eyes as I sunk towards the bottom.
& that was my last thought before losing consciousness.
The next thing I remember is waking up on the grass, on a stretcher, surrounded by EMTs pressing on me—and there it was—OUCH!!!!
All of a sudden, I was yanked back into reality—
–I was choking on the water that was, then, fervently flooding out of my mouth and nose at an unbearable pressure.
I have a momentary snapshot of me wrapped in a bright silver insulating blanket.
& I lost consciousness again…
I was struggling with hypothermia…[as I would come to find out later’
And finally…
I awoke in the ER..
I looked around, absolutely bewildered and puzzled.
& before I could fully become aware of what had happened, a deeper realization struck a chord so deep in my heart.
‘I am a failure’–I thought to myself. And I was. And I may still be. I was a failure in every sense of the word—.
I couldn’t even kill myself “right”.
But neither could YOU.
“I wish he had taken away your life when he ‘allegedly’ took your virginity,” I hear you screaming in my mind.
If anything, you have made it painfully clear that your life (and the lives of many others) would be a lot “bit brighter” without my presence.
“If you weren’t such a whore…then maybe you wouldn’t have gotten raped,”…
–at 14 years old—-with a knife–
Yes. The knife was utilized to “pop” my cherry.
To you, however, that’s irrelevant. It’s impertinent.
It is always my fault.
It has to be.
If I want to keep you in my life, I must always “dim” my light so you can shine brighter.
and so it begins…yet again…
An assortment of your agonizing remarks cycle through my head—at a merciless speed—
—over and over again—
My brain gets stuck on repeat like a broken record playing the same few tunes repetitively.
The tunes of my record are the stuff of nightmares.
The torment of your insidious insults continues till I want to rip my own head out of my body.
HELP!!!!!!
No human can stay immune to the missiles of such fiery self-hatred forever…
So what does one do when that unrelenting, merciless abuse starts to come from their own brain?
& just like that–
—I find myself thrust into the 9th circle of hell from Dante’s Inferno.
& so…I do what I’ve always done…
I dissociate.
I leave my body.
and for a few fleeting moments, everything…feels… a little bit ‘lighter’—a little bit further.
As your ridiculing remarks become more muffled and harder to decipher,
the ominous panic boiling inside of me steadily slows to a soft, sufferable simmer.
and there “I” am…soaring…above it “all”.
There I am– simply watching a homosapien named “Maham” go through some not-so-cute stuff.
I watch my body curiously as it floats above me—
and “I” become lifeless.
& just like that—
All the pieces of my fragile psyche shatter into sharp, serrated fragments once again–
A twin sister of mind-reading, who happens to be just as convincing in the least helpful ways is….
drum-roll!!!!!!
Albert Einstein, one of my favorite scientists said: “we cannot solve problems from the same thinking patterns we used in creating them.” This means, we cannot use the same patterns of thinking that manifested the problem to try and construct solutions that will actually work.
That is why it is so essential to become aware of these common cognitive distortions. Once we can develop a meta-cognition, of sorts, to observe the faulty patterns of cognition our minds may have developed over time, we can begin to solve deep-seated issues within our psyche.
Fortune telling, much like mind-reading, is a branch in the family of cognitive distortions associated with jumping to conclusions. Fortune telling is a cognitive distortion that predisposes us to favor and predict a negative outcome without realistically considering the actual odds of that outcome.
This type of predilection towards worst-case scenarios is usually linked to anxiety and depression. Most often, those of us struggling through an active anxious or depressive episode display skewed thinking about the world and ourselves.
In fact, when I was practicing counseling in New Orleans, fortune telling was actually one of the most common cognitive distortions that came up for my clients. They seemed to have this eerie unbased “knowledge” that things would just end in a very catastrophic way without any real logical evidence to believe so.
The process of taking some of these rehearsed faulty patterns of thinking and retraining the brain to replace them with helpful, more realistic and healthy patterns is called cognitive restructuring.
In psychology, especially among therapists that employ the CBT modality, cognitive restructuring is a technique used heavily to help individuals become aware of the age-old narratives they come in telling themselves. After appropriate reflection, clients are then challenged to analyze whether or not they would like to change their self-talk and automatic narratives. If clients decide that the benefits of change outweigh the price of staying the same, the therapist works directly with the client and helps reframe unhealthy automatic core beliefs to more helpful, healthy and productive ones. That is the goal of cognitive restructuring.
Our deepest beliefs, or cognitive schemas, are essentially the byproduct of a well-rehearsed story that we have knitted together through our own lifespan. Some of the meanings that we assign to our experiences are conscious, however, the process of forming our patterns of thinking are largely done by subconscious sources.
We see our beliefs reflected in our thoughts, feelings and actions. Our behaviors are the closest indicators of our true internal thermostat and core beliefs. The simplified medical way of looking at cognitive distortions is that once patterns are repeated, the brain simply learns an efficient, easier pathway of firing to arrive at a faster “action state”.
Here comes out the nerdy part of me! Something you may or may not know about me is that I pursued a double bachelors in Biological Sciences and Organic Chemistry in college. I graduated valedictorian of the college of sciences from College of Charleston with a summa cum laude. Studying the human body so closely sparked an interest within me to try to understand the mechanisms of the neuroplastic mind. That is precisely why I pursued my masters degree in Psychology and Counseling with a specialization in clinical mental health.
Anyway….
I want to quickly, and simply (hopefully) explain how our brains learn. The reason for this is because once we all are familiarized with the basics behind memory recollection, and how our brain creates meaning, we can begin to work WITH its natural wiring to develop more helpful patterns of thinking.
I view human beings as holistic creatures, and in no way would I ever advocate working against certain parts of ourselves. We are a unique collection of experiences, thoughts, behaviors, actions, cultures, and feelings. The more we understand each one of those compartments, the faster we can work with all facets of ourselves to improve overall life quality.
At every moment, our brain orchestrates a complex symphony of perfectly coordinated, and intentional signals across billions of neurons. These neurons, then, transmit the signals through trillions of synapses, lighting up pathways of the brain that are associated with a similar event (firing of dendrites). Becoming familiar with this complex neural circuitry enables us to start to understand the processes that work together to enable all aspects of brain function.
When we are learning something, neurons in different parts of the brain communicate with each other. If two neurons interact frequently enough, they form a connection that allows them to transmit messages more easily, efficiently and “accurately” (or so it thinks).
The more often certain neurons communicate with one another, the more fortified their connection gets. As a result, it becomes easier & easier for our automatic thoughts to follow in line with that same familiar thinking pattern. Use it and improve it!
Similarly, the principle “use it or lose it” also holds true. Because there is such an infinitely overwhelming number of different pathways our brain cells can fire, most human beings tend to undergo a process of synaptic pruning. Essentially, “synaptic pruning” is just a fancy scientific way of saying “use it or lose it”
As we grow older, neural circuits that are not being actively engaged in performing tasks begin to degrade. Quite literally, this means if we do not use an area of our brain for a prolonged time, we will lose the function that was previously stored there.
The hope of so many psychological modalities lies in the neuroplasticity of the brain. Our saving grace lies in the fact that we can, with time and consistency, retrain our brains to think (and eventually, believe) differently. We have the power to wholly replace negative thought patterns with positive ones–literally, changing the very wiring of our brains.
That is some pretty powerful stuff.
If we have learned it, we can unlearn it.
Furthermore, we can also learn something else–something entirely new—something more conducive to our well being.
This is where cognitive restructuring can literally change our lives (if we let it).
Much like everything else, it takes a lot of practice and it takes times. Therefore, it is important to be gentle with ourselves throughout the process of rewiring our thinking. We didn’t just “think” ourselves into who we are overnight. By that same token, we cannot “outthink” ourselves into somebody new overnight either.
Tip #1- Challenge your thoughts by asking very basic, simple questions.
Tip #2- Use the ABC model to help slow down and track thoughts so that we can begin to change them.
What is an “ABC” Model?
The goal of conducting the ABC analysis is to truly get to our core beliefs that trigger our thoughts and feelings. Once we target what our core beliefs are, we can analyze them and figure out if they are based in reality and if they are helpful to us or not.
ABC models are most helpful when done on paper. There is something about writing things down that allows our brain to slow down processing and truly pause.
Examples of ABC models that have been done
Example 1: End of Relationship
Example 2: Social Anxiety
Example 3: Performance Anxiety
Tip #3- Use a “Behavior Chain Analysis” to monitor new and old behavior
The basic set-up for a chain analysis is as follows:
I encouraged all my clients to do at least two behavioral chain analyses. The first one should depict what would (continue to) happen in each of the categories if the core belief was left unchanged. The second one should ideally depict what would change in the respective categories if the core belief were to be challenged.
Example of Behavioral Chain Analysis utilized in CBT
Tip #4- (If you really want to do some serious cognitive “soul searching)…try some DBT or CBT worksheets that help prompt you to examine your core beliefs.
For our purposes, I am going to upload a copy of worksheet that I have used and given others to use when I find myself jumping to conclusions, engaging in mind-reading or becoming my own self-anointed fortune teller.
This week, we will be returning to one of our mind’s most revered, well-rehearsed, and absolutely maladaptive ways of thinking, or what were they called again???
COGNTIVE DISTORTIONS!
Distortion, who?
WARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful ways of thinking that are adopted throughout the lifespan of a human. They are usually adopted as defense mechanisms in immediate acute stages. However, if they continue to linger on and become a part of our daily routines, they become highly problematic. All cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are usually cultivated during a crisis–a short-term response to an emotionally overcharged situation. They are not inherently “good” or “bad.” They are just mere momentary defense mechanisms to help us get through immediate tension. When they become more overarching in our lives, they begin to infiltrate our day-to-day life and cripple our interpersonal connections and self-evaluation.
This week, WE will discuss one of the triplets of a a family of cognitive distortions.
The FATHER of this family is jumping to conclusions.
In psychology, this distortion branches out into three categories: 1. Mind-reading 2. Fortune-telling 3. Labeling.
So…what does each one pertain? Why do we engage in these negative ways of thinking? Most importantly,how do we catch ourselves in the midst of it so we can begin to stop it?
Here is your one-step stop for nipping these types of unhelpful patterns of thinking in the bud.
Mind-Reading
The first mutation branching off the “jumping conclusions” band wagon is “mind-reading”.
So mind-reading– What is it? When does it become unhealthy?
I think it’s really important to get the crisp, curt definition of the phenomenon.
In general, “mind-reading” refers to the super-human ability to discern the thoughts of each other without the normal means of communication, especially by means of a preternatural power.
In psychology, “mind-reading” falls into a subcategory of one of the most common cognitive distortions; its corresponding parent category is “jumping to conclusions.”
Mind-reading is a misnomer given to the cognitive error that occurs when we try to predict what someone else is feeling based on our own assessments of the situation alone.
Just in case you were curious, the conclusions we arrive to through mind-reading are usually WRONG.
When we are engaged in mind-reading, we do not take time to consider others’ unique thoughts and life experiences, and we become increasingly and incorrectly stuck in our limited lens of thinking.
Some examples of “mind reading” look like:
As you can see, those are some lofty assumptions about reality. Another poignant observation is that each thought bubble shares the same faulty pattern of thinking. Each of these situations involves a person incorrectly assuming something to be true for another person. The problem with this type of thinking is that we are usually projecting what we feel onto others. We usually do not take time to check our facts, and consult with the other person/people in situation to see if our “read” on the situation may been skewed.
The truth of the matter is NO psychologically sound person is capable of “mind-reading.” It simply does not exist. In fact, if someone were to tell me that they knew, without a reasonable doubt, that another person was feeling a certain way, I may have to recommend them more intensive psychiatric help.
Believing that we know what others need, want, and think without communication is a delusion. We do not truly know what another wants or needs are unless there is an appropriate exchange of questions and answers.
That is why some of the most helpful skills therapists try to coach their clients are in regards to communication. We must questions for clarifying because, who knew? We are not always right.
By asking others how they feel, or what they want, we allow them to exercise their birthright of autonomy. When we ask questions, we create space for others to clarify their desires, thoughts, and actions.
I find myself commonly engaging in mind-reading around people in my immediate circle. It is only natural to study, observe and gather nonverbal data on those that we spend the most amount of time with.
The problem with this natural predilection is that our mind cannot stop doing it. So much so that, it sometimes does its job too well. It will arduously collect information, day in and day out. Now, the brain is not to blame. It is only doing what it was created to do. The primitive brain is often trying to categorize only in an attempt to simplify complex human realities. As a result, we may jump to conclusions, polarized thinking, overgeneralization and other patterns of erroneous thinking.
An Example of how F*CKED up it can get FAST
We have all experienced being the friend/coworker/partner who finds themselves thinking: “Oh no! ______ hates me. I’m just sure of it!” (of course we are)
This type of charged thought usually infects our brains long and before we know it, the parasite has taken over our secondary thinking. All of a sudden we are dealing with a cascade of negative feedback.
Quickly after suggesting the notion of someone not liking us to the brain, we begin to subconsciously “collect evidence” to support that same incorrect belief.
For example, if that person looks up and frowns, we are more likely to assume that it is because of their loathing towards us rather than a completely unrelated cause.
As more and more time goes on, the narrative in our heads thickens until we start to notice every single sigh, eye roll, and sarcastic remark and internalize it towards us.
We become so zoomed in; in this highly charged state, we become acutely aware of the slightest changes in the other’s body posture. Our panicked brains’ engulf themselves in rapidly computing every nonverbal cue to become negatively-connotated; we are trying collect all the (already-biased) information so that we may somehow arrive at the “logical” conclusion. At least, that is what the brain will have us “believe.” The truth is exactly what I stated above–we cannot ignore our own inherent bias about the situation.
The way our brains are wired is literally to search specifically for proof that validates the ideas we already believe to be true. We think we may be neutral, but at best, through psychoeducation and self-awareness, we can become mindful of the preexistence of these unique, acquired biases and shortcomings we have.
Next week, we will be delving into an equally insidious twin sister of mind-reading, who seemed to have gotten her dysfunctionality gene from their shared father–jumping to conclusions.
But before, let me not abandon you without suggestions for how to survive the tendency to mind-read.
Tip #1- Reflect and Retrain
The most wonderful and liberating thing about realizing that we are, most likely, wrong….is that we also possess the power to re-equilibrate our thinking to align more closely with reality.
I want you to ask yourself the following question
Why do I assume that people will treat or talk about me in a bad way?
Please write down at least 10 reasons why you believe that to be the case. The best way to approach this exercise is to a) don’t judge yourself too much for believing it because we all do. We all seem to think that the world is preoccupied with us, to some extent. I want you to try to “free-associate” when jotting down the answers to the aforementioned question.
What does free-association mean?
That means, it does not matter how ridiculous, narcissistic, self-absorbed, negative or absolutely ludicrous your brain’s responses are to that question. I want you to just jot them down, without thinking (well…while minimally thinking). The point is to gather your automatic thoughts so that we can focalize on the underlying belief that may be driving you to think that you are indeed, the center of the world, and the reincarnation of the antichrist.
Tip #2- Observe Your Reaction During Mind-Reading
Mind-reading causes negative symptoms in your body and accelerates the fear which already exists. The reason we ALL begin to mind-read is because some external trigger has literally inflamed a pre-existing insecurity we had long before someone else ever rolled their eyes around us.
If you get anything out of this post—or anything out of the series of posts about cognitive distortions–please let it be this: WE MIND-READ BECAUSE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES. It happens because someone or something else has triggered something that already PRE-EXISTED (usually long before) the irritant manifested itself.
As a result, our bodies start to give these tell-tale signs that we often ignore because we jump to conclusions and become extremely preoccupied with protecting ourselves. It is so vital to slow ourselves in the moment to observe these bodily sensations and cues because they can be of utmost help in recognizing our tipping off balance.
For example, fear of inadequacy is a phobia that often triggers me to mind-read. Due to my life experiences, and my own interpretations of them at the time, I have a very hard time controlling my reactions and thinking when I even SUSPECT that someone has “figured me out.” The following is an example of how my brain works:
– Insert external trigger: an eye roll or sigh or someone not saying hi to me.
Omg! ______ saw me and ignored me. What did I do? Is it because I didn’t say hi to her? Did I look mean? Did she overhear her me saying something negative about her? Should I apologize? I’m such a failure! I knew it. Everyone in my life was right (overgeneralization). I have been figured it out. God damn it! I try so hard to perfect this “facade” of having it all together and I knew it was just a matter of time. They’ve all figured it out. She’s probably told everyone else that I’m just a big old imposter. A wannabe. A loser. Someone who tries so hard just to “help” others because they just want to feel good about themselves. And you know why? Because I suck. I suck. and I KNOW I SUCK (emotional reasoning) and there is no way for me to hide it. It will always come out in time….etc.
The above was an example of free-association. Do you see how fast my thoughts spiraled?
Now, what is likely is that before I stepped into the quicksand of my dendrites firing away, there were probably tons of sensory cues that warned me that my brain was about to go down this path.
I know I must have felt that “heart drop” feeling. I don’t know how else to describe it, however, I know I ALWAYS tend to feel it when I feel rejected, humiliated, or fearful. It’s that pang in the heart. I might:
Start flushing red
Feel my body temperature rise
Start shaking
Show patterns of uneven breathing
Tighten up my shoulders due to tension
Begin to feel my stomach churn due to feeling uncomfortable.
Feel like I need to puke
Become clammy
Start furrowing my brows in worry
Feel “frozen” in time
Feel my heart beating faster.
There are so many different ways that our body tries to catch up to our mind. Even though each one of our “tell-tales” may be unique and different, I promise you that they exist. We all must work towards becoming aware of them so that we can not fall down the rabbit hole I just described above.
Tip #3- Ask questions
This is the simplest and most efficient way to nip mind-reading and other cognitive distortions in the bud. It is also one of the most difficult ones, in terms of mustering up enough bravery to ask something we may not want to hear the response to. I have had to train myself, and even come up with “scripts” when I’m not heated, that I can use in the moment to help clarify what I’m thinking. Some include:
“Hey, this might just be me, but I feel like there is a shift in energy in the room/between us (etc). Did I do something to offend you or upset you?”
“Are you upset with me, or is it just me?”
Bonus tip: ADD HUMOR– “You know my tendency to think everything is about me…so I saw you sigh earlier, and automatically jumped to the conclusion that it was indeed because of me. Now, I know I’m probably overthinking this, but I wanted to clarify and give you the opportunity to remind me that I’m just not that important.” this one gets a lot of laughs.
“I keep feeling like something is off with us. Am I wrong?”
“Hey, are you okay?”
Asking questions allows us to tell on ourselves, and allow others the autonomy to express their own feelings. Furthermore, it opens up the door for us to become of service to those around us if there is something unrelated bothering them. Checking in with others and being transparent about our own tendencies to catastrophize can also help them find us more relatable and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if there is something wrong in the future.
Please re-read this as many times as you need: “we LIKE people for their qualities, but we end up falling in LOVE with them for (admitting) their defects”.
Today, I’m really grateful for a happy and healthy baby! I had a visit to the doctors today. My parents and I wanted to have an OBGYN in my hometown, in addition to one in Louisiana. So, today was my first appointment with the her! During the visit, she wanted to reconduct the anatomy scan for their own personal hospital records.
What is the anatomy scan?
During a level 2 ultrasound, baby will be measured from crown to rump, around her middle, around her head — and that’s just for starters. The four chambers of the heart will be viewed, as well as the kidneys, bladder, stomach, brain, spine and sex organs. A survey of the organs, including the umbilical cord, ensures that they are developing normally (or identifies any potential problems as soon as possible). The sonographer will also be looking at your amniotic fluid levels, the location of the placenta, and the fetal heart rate.
And in alignment with the results of the 20 week scan, everything was purrfect this time around. Baby angel looks great! It was fun to see her, because she’s definitely bigger now, approaching 2 lbs! Alhamdullilah, she is measuring perfectly for her gestational age; her weight and height are on target; her organs are all present and functioning. I am so grateful.
So, I have to share something really humorous about today’s scan with you. Apparently, as we were checking out her spine, my baby gymnast decided to take hold of her leg; she effortlessly moved her leg, parallel above her head and grabbed her foot with her little hands. We were stunned watching this all go down. Then, all of a sudden, she pulled her foot close to her mouth and started to suck on her toes. WHAT THE HECK? The ultrasound tech, my mom and I were in a puddle of laughter. My little warrior princess! So wild and untame already, lol.
he chubby little legs from the bottom; ❤
I’m also really grateful for my run today! I felt so strong, capable and powerful during it. The longer I run, the stronger I feel; I’m really thankful for this experience. I’m also really grateful to my mother-in-law for helping my sweetheart move into our new place. I’m not with my husband right now, so it’s such a huge blessing that he his mother there to support of him through this transition. She is a little angel from heaven!
I’m also really grateful for Zeus, my kitten back at home. Every time I walk into the room, he is sprawled out on my bed just waiting for me! It makes me so happy. I’m pretty sure he can hear my baby girl’s heartbeat because at night, he’ll sleep with his head tucked in near my belly, gently kneading it through the blanket. It’s the cutest thing! I’m convinced animals have the keenest intuition.
03/09/2016
Today, I am so grateful to return to this practice! It has been a hectic week. My husband and I have been busy with moving into our new place, and now, we are finally settled in! We got the last of our stuff moved out, and just handed in the keys to our old apartment today. It really is a bittersweet transition. Our new place is so much bigger, and so beautiful. I’m really grateful for that. My eyes literally lit up when I saw it—especially when I saw Ayrah’s room-to-be, and it’s beautiful pink color. My heart was so full upon seeing it; it becomes flooded with unexplainable love when I step into it again and again. My sweet baby girl. I love her so much already.
I’m so thankful that she’s going to be in my arms soon iA. Can you believe my second trimester is almost over? I’m 1 week away from finishing it! Then, the real wait begins. I can’t wait to feel her sweet kicks against my hands instead of just my belly. I can’t wait to kiss her, embrace her, and wrap her in my arms. I would do anything for her now, and from what I’ve heard, that love just keeps growing exponentially as they come into our lives, and grow older. I’m so excited.
I’ve heard lots of people say that life is never the same after you have a child. Can I just say how thrilled I am that if is the case? Though, it’s a life I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, I don’t want my life to be just about me, my husband and my cats anymore. My little world is so ready to expand and accommodate another being into it. I realize that motherhood is going to come with challenges, and on some days, I am truly fearful of these challenges. Most days now, however, I am just thankful and eager to meet her.
Transitions are always difficult—marriage, moving out, transitioning into parenthood. There is an inevitable tinge of death in them; the beginning of one chapter is always marked by the end of another. Birth and death are like Siamese twins that cannot be separated; when one is around, you know the other one is lingering just around the corner. But, as saddening as it is to let go of one time period, it is equally as exciting and joy-provoking to begin another one! I know that the birth of my daughter is going to infuse my life with a newfound meaning and another purpose. Above all, I’m really excited to experience myself as a mother.
Isn’t that what life is all about? Adding new layers of experience that enrich our very being? I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve already accumulated. I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing myself as a big sister, a sister-in-law, a daughter, a wife, a student, a friend, a lover, a teacher, a student. And now, I’ll get to experience myself as a mother. I am really eager to learn about the new layers of myself that I know motherhood will reveal. So yes, transitions are hard, but in all honesty, I’m harder! I have done and can do really challenging things; I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I am willing to expend the energy and time it takes to become an effective mother. I am thankful for this devotion within my heart, and so grateful that God has infused excitement and love for my baby girl in it.
I’m also beyond grateful that we’ve had company in our new home. Our friends and family visiting has definitely made this unfamiliar beautiful edifice feel more like home. The minute they leave our house, I want to grab them and pull them back in. There’s just such a serene happiness that comes with hearing muted voices, echoes and laughs from different corners of the house. It makes me so happy knowing that people are just there!
I’m also really grateful for the ability to run when I’m starting my 7th month into my pregnancy! I’ve had to make adjustments, certainly–the biggest one being that I do not enjoy running outdoors as much as I had before; it hurts my joints! BUT…I can still run for an hr+ without having to slow down on the treadmill. So as always, the ability to move my body is not being taken for granted at all. I really do take time to appreciate how blessed I am to be able to move my body; I know many who are robbed of this precious gift early on in life.
03/10/2o16
You guys! I think God is going to hold true on His part in giving me the gift that I asked for at the beginning of this pregnancy. I remember, just 6 weeks in, I requested from him a very special gift–the ability to continue to run. As the second trimester comes to a close, I’ve noticed that I’m still able to run a an 8K, 5-6 days of the week! The best part is that I still enjoy running throughout my pregnancy. So, thank you God! Your mercy and bounty melts my heart!
Running and physical activity have been such empowering, feel-good constants in my life, so it it’s such a blessing to be able to hold onto them during pregnancy. Pregnancy is marked with so many changes and fluctuations, so it really is a miracle to have anything that remains steady. Speaking of changes, I can’t believe that I am nearing the end of my second trimester! Ahh! This is my last week of the 6th month! Where is the time going by? Alhamdullilah, though, I am grateful that I have been able to feel, more or less, like myself throughout this experience. I’ve got to say that overall, my pregnancy has been pretty darn good. I may gripe about portions of it sometimes, but that’s just me being human and aimlessly trying to magnify the “black spot” on the white dress. I can say with full certainty that in the future, I am going to look back on this time and be grateful that it was a beautiful and comfortable experience.
Ah. I genuinely hope that my pregnancy experience will offer hope to tense hearts that are contemplating motherhood. Though the journey is so variable and depends on woman-to-woman, I can testify that my pregnancy has left me feeling physically stronger, more energized and capable. I think the weight gain paired with my consistent training has resulted in a lot of my “pregnancy weight” to be muscle. These gains, in turn, have transformed my body into a platform for new feats and personal records.
Throughout the pregnancy transitions, I’ve really had to remind myself: “gaining weight is not the same thing as gaining fat.”
Through discipline and self-regimented behavior, I’ve really been proactive about making my pregnancy a comfortable and healthy transition for myself and for my baby. I remember finding out I was pregnant, and being absolutely terrified of the changes that awaited me.
“But my body is going to blow up uncontrollably, and the cravings are going to be these demonic monsters that will forcefully cause me to devour large quantities of unhealthy foods. What’s worse is that this is going to cause so many muscle aches, relentless inflammation and edema and I won’t be able to even move—much less run.”
Now that I’m closing off my second trimester, I can say that I’m really thankful that NONE of my incessant fears actually manifested themselves into reality.
I think our perception of pregnancy is shaped so much by what society tells us. But,listen up. Because I’M here to tell you is that yes, there is a bit of truth to the societal messages, BUT there is ONLY about a miniscule grain of truth in there. Yes, you do gain weight. Yes, your belly grows. Yes, there are changes. You are pregnant after all. But these changes are not as uncontrollable and sporadic as I had imagined them to be. I’m really thankful that I’ve gained a healthy amount of weight, and that my baby girl is growing beautifully; at the same time, however, I can honesty say that I have been rigid in my discipline to stay physically active [so that a lot of that added weight can be muscle].
So what about these crazy preggers cravings? In my experience, the cravings are certainly noticeable and do arise. However, they are not dementors from Harry Potter, rattling your soul until you give into them. Ultimately, YOU have the final say over whether to give into the craving or not. It boils down to your ability to maintain a precarious balance between sometimes “giving in” and other times, “steering clear.”
If there is one thing I want you to take out of my pregnancy experience–it is this. Pregnancy is not a disease or a disability. So move.
As far as not being able to move during pregnancy, unless there is a medical reason for a mother not to be physically active, I highly advocate for and recommend physical activity to EVERYONE. It has helped so much in warding off the common aches and pains of pregnancy. It’s done wonders to counteract the effects of the horomone, relaxin (which in preparation for birth, causes all your ligaments to become more lax than usual). It’s actually really fun because I can get away with not stretching as thoroughly because my pregnant body is more likely to assume the “wet noodle-like” flexible disposition. Thank god, I haven’t had any edema; I think that’s largely due to the fact that I’m so physically active. My lower extremeties only get achey when I’m completely at rest or standing still for a long period of time. Counterintuitively, my limbs feel SO much better WITH movement and activity.***so I just realized that this this ended up being a long rant on my pregnancy, but hey! I deserve it! I’ve been growing a human being for 6 months! Eeeep ❤
All in all, the essence of what I was getting at is still related to the gratitude practice. I am really grateful for the fact that my pregnancy experience, thus far, has been a comfortable, steady and smooth one. It’s definitely been marked with changes, but these changes have happened gradually, instilling a sense of safety and stability. I don’t feel out-of-control, helpless or disempowered. On most days, I recognize what a blessing that is. I’d also like to take a moment to express and really FEEL how deeply thankful I am that our fears are not always true. It isn’t always the worst case scenario. The endless horrific “what-if” situations are minds create are usually just mere figments of our imagination. None of the fears I been anxious about have come true.
I’m also thankful for myself, because I acknowledge the central role I’ve had in this; from the beginning, I was proactive in making sure that I was doing everything I could do to set myself up for a comfortable, relaxing pregnancy. I did what I had to do then, and have done what I needed to do every single passing day. Now, I can tell you that my dedication has manifested itself into a pregnancy experience that has felt safe, smooth, and steady for me. A mom who feels strong and safe is inadvertently in a better position to provide those things for her child. I’m thankful for the consistency and dedication that I’ve demonstrated to myself throughout this process; I know that my work ethic and tenacity are CENTRAL reasons why my experience ended up being the one I desired. Pregnancy has taught me that I’m stronger than I knew, both mentally and physically. I am so grateful that I have some power in dictating my future.
03/11/2016
Well, first of all, I’m so grateful to be safe today. There has been some torrential rainfall in Louisiana, and frankly, I am terrified of lightening and thunderstorms. Lol, I spent most of the night keeping my poor husband awake because each time it would thunder, I would jump and crawl under the sheets. Thank God, I’m blessed to have a partner that is patient enough wrap me in his soothing embrace just to let me know that everything is going to be okay—even if it is for the 1000th time that night.
I’m grateful for our new home; I do have to say that it still seems unfamiliar. In it, I feel like a cat who doesn’t have her scent over the belongings just yet! But regardless, the house is beautiful. It’s so much bigger than our old apartment! With each passing day, I am starting to get acquainted with this place too. I’m beginning to recognize its unique creeks and sounds, and with it, I’m beginning to honor the the living breathing energy of this place.
I’m also really grateful for being able to move my body, today (as always). I was reminiscing about my earlier pregnancy days and how terrified I felt that something was going to happen to make it to where I wouldn’t be able to remain physically active. To be honest, physical activity has been such an outlet of stress, toxic energy and negative thoughts for me. God provides different routes for His people to heal and sustain themselves, and I really think that my body and mind heal in the act of movement. That, and reading/listening to books about other people’s journeys and what they’ve learned in life is most healing to me.
With exercise, I build a platform that carries over into the rest of my life. It is a place for me to test my own boundaries, shatter my previous limitations, and feel empowered, capable and STRONG.
So often, I walk away from a trying workout thinking: “I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it.”
Speaking of books earlier, I heard this amazing little audible book and it really uplifted my moods and put me in a better spirit. I’m very grateful for its lesson on self-love.
I highly recommend this book to everyone who desires greater self-compassion, and an increased ability to forgive oneself. Though the book in itself is only a two-hour read (or listen), it is absolutely phenomenoal. The messages that it presents are clear, straight-to-the-point, and have a way of penetrating through your heart! This book is all about valuing yourself and treating yourself as if you were one of the most valuable blessings in your own life (which you really are!). I know that I personally struggle with the “nice girl phenomenon.” I get stuck in a whirlwind of trying to please everyone, so much so that I often end up neglecting my own intuitive inner calling. I’m guilty of being truly neglectful in taking care of my needs. Sometimes, all I want to do is feel safe, and I know exactly the things to do to help create that atmosphere of safety, but if I realize that some other person has a competing demand, I’ll neglect my inner calling to satisfy their requests. Since time is limited, this leaves me empty, drained and too tired to attend to myself later on.
This book helped remind me of my own inherent worth, and the fact that I deserve just as much kindness, love and concnern as any other creature of the universe. The book also helps provide a nifty little toolbox of techniques to utilize in making sure that adequate love is being directed to my innermost self. I’m so thankful for the wise, direct, and honest testament of Kamal Ravikant. I really admire and honor the courage within his heart; it takes immense bravery to share filtered, raw experiences that are so personal. It is because of people like him, practicing such bravery, that make it to where their message so accessible to the rest of us.
03/12/2016
Today, I’m really grateful for rest. I feel like with the moving in process, and our respective careers/education, my husband and I have been consistently on the go. Today, we finally got a chance to have a low-key day/night where we simply enjoyed the company of one another. We spent most of the morning watching Netflix and slipping in and out of sleep. There is something so soothing and glorious about just being wrapped up in my husband’s embrace. Those two limbs may just seem like ordinary limbs to you, but to me—they are absolutely magical. His arms are my home.
I’m also grateful for my cats. You know, humans have this really pestering habit of fearing the future or overanalyzing the past; animals, on the other hand, seem to only live in the present moment. It doesn’t matter if it’s only been an hour since the last time they saw you. When their beady little eyes lay their sight on you, they are just as hopelessly excited that you’re there, as they were the very first time around. They are magical little creatures; magical little angels that encourage us by bringing us back into the present moment with them! I’m so grateful for their sweet, kind presence in my home.
I’m also really grateful for my physical capacity, even this late in the pregnancy. This is a huge relief to me, and to my soul. I’m also very grateful that God has used physical activity as a means to infuse strength, hope and empowerment into my body and soul; all of these qualities help compound my faith, thereby enabling me to become a better person to myself and to others.
I’m also truly grateful for my cousin, Shuji, recovering from Ewing’s Sarcoma. I think today, he is going in for his last round of chemotherapy, post-operation; I have a feeling that this will be the last time he has to cross paths with cancer again. I mean, even cancer would be ashamed to come back after such a brutal annihilation, not once, but TWICE by the same man! I derive so much strength from my cousin’s journey. Every time I feel too “lazy” or too “burned out” to go use the capable and healthy body/mind I have been gifted with, I remember that my cousin has to sometimes, spend weeks in the hospital at a time receiving treatment. Wouldn’t he much rather be out there, doing what people do in their 20s? Wouldn’t he rather be out there playing sports, partaking in physical activity, utilizing his limbs to experience just as much displaced enjoyment in the world?
03/14/2016
Ah! A new beautiful day! You know what I’ve been really grateful for? This practice. It’s been about 21 days of my writing in the gratitude journals and I’d like to take the time to reflect on my journey. Doing the gratitude practice has really taught me to actively seek out the little miracles in life. I’ve found that looking for these small magical things is analogous to the childhood story, “Hansel and Gretel.” The good things in life are like the breadcrumbs that we leave behind, as we go on through our days, busily pursuing our goals.
leaving gratitude breadcrumbs behind…
It is only in revisiting the trail (or our days), and in retrospect that we can truly detect the value of each breadcrumb that we left behind. Together, these miniscule moments of gratitude are sprinkled far and frequently enough to make our entire day! This brings me to another point about this practice. I’ve learned that I have to be intentional in practicing gratitude. Before the start of my practice, my level of gratefulness towards the universe depended on external events (ie; if I have a “good day”, I’m grateful. If I have a “bad day”, I’m ungrateful). What this practice has taught me is that gratitude is an intentional practice. We have to CHOOSE to find the good things amongst the bad—and this can be done on even the most trying days. If we spend enough time maneuvering through the dirt of a hard day, we will find some speckles of glitter amidst our experience.
This goes hand in hand with one of the Buddhist teachings that I really love—the concept of yin-yang.
The truth of this teaching was demonstrated through my own gratitude practice. If I looked hard enough, there was always something “good” amongst the bad. Likewise, if I looked at days that I monotonously painted with the overtone of “good”, there were some glaring “not-so-good” parts about them too. Suffering is always there, but the mercy of God (or the universe, or laws of nature) is that the nature of suffering is that it is always interrupted. Nothing is all bad, 100% of time; no challenge is felt at its 100% maximum intensity threshold forever. Suffering is layered with moments of joy, and joy is layered with moments of vulnerability and suffering. The gratitude practice helped refortify and reaffirm this truth about life. I am grateful for this relieving reminder. I don’t have to take every little challenge so seriously because it is all temporary. Suffering is temporary. Joy is temporary. The feelings brought upon by each sentiment are temporary. This too shall pass.
I’m also really grateful for a better picture of my priorities. Doing this practice repetitively highlighted the patterns in my life; it effectively illuminated the blessings that I feel most grateful for in my life. Upon re-reading my entries, I’ve realized that there are glaring, unifying themes in regards to what I feel most grateful for. This helped me to see “what’s working” or “what’s going right” in my life. It gently showed me that my relationship with my husband, interpersonal connection with family, my physical ability to move, the omnipotent presence of God, and my coming baby girl are all blessings that I appear to be repetitively grateful for. I also discovered that I really desire and crave to expand my boundaries, whether it be in terms of knowledge or physical capacity. I like setting precarious limitations, only to see myself shatter them. The resilient human spirit is really inspirational and awe-inspiring to me.
In summary, however, the biggest lesson that I have acquired through the gratitude practice is this:
Happiness is a choice.
It is not just a magical predicament you fall into on certain random days. Yes, some days, it is easier to make the choice to be happy, but it IS a choice, nontheless. If I really wanted to, I could try to be crabby even on the most blessed, happy of days. Happiness is a choice—it is a choice that is not nearly as dependent on our specific circumstances, but rather on our perception of them. The mind is a very capable tool; it is excellent at using its faculties to magnify/minimize certain aspects of the same day. If I make the intention to be happy, I CAN be happy—regardless of what I accomplish/don’t accomplish that day, regardless of whether it rains or whether there’s sunshine, regardless of whether my husband and I are engaging in an itty bitty hissy fit committee, or if things are purrfect.
The conditions don’t have to be “just right”. Instead, I can utilize creativity in every moment to try to do the things that I love, and therefore, try to optimize happiness. For example, if I can’t get the motivation to get up and go to the gym, I could utilize flexibility and literally do a workout in the comfort of my own home. I have so many materials that would allow me to do that. If things are feeling tense with my husband in one aspect, I can try to create a soothing and comforting environment in a myriad other ways. There is not just ONE way to happiness. That is profound and relieving; I’d like to leave the entry on this note.
Happiness is always “creatable.” Sometimes, when we have all the necessary parts available to us, it is easier to create. Other times, when some of those tools (like motivation, determination, passion, inspiration, love) are lacking, it is a little harder to create—but not impossible.
We have the amazing freedom to achieve happiness by creatively approaching our predicaments in flexible ways. We don’t have to change the destination, but we also don’t have to be rigid in our approach; if we want happiness, we can create it. Sometimes, we just need to be willing to consider that there is always more than one way to create it. Flexibility in approach and resolute in destination.
❤ Thank YOU for coming along with me on my 21-day journey to gratitude ❤
I love you all and I will definitely be filling up my blog with nifty new things soon!
abidmaham 