I do not remember when I first realized raccoons were weird. Perhaps in Pocahontas. Meeko was kind of my hero. Him and Mushu.
Maybe it was the tiny masked face. Maybe it was the suspicious little hands. Maybe it was the way they appear in the world with the confidence of a creature that knows exactly what it is doing, even when it is absolutely unclear to the rest of us.
Raccoons look like they know something.
And because humans are humans, we immediately begin filling in the blanks.
We call them clever. Mischievous. Adorable. Annoying. Little forest bandits.
But here is the strange part:
The raccoon did not change.
Our perception of the raccoon did.
I know, I know. Just follow me here in good faith.
The world around us is constantly offering information, but we do not experience it like a security camera. We sort it. Translate it. Attach stories to it. Decide what matters and what gets shoved into the background.
I once went to an estate sale and came home convinced an inanimate object had a story to tell me.
We’ll come back to that.
And apparently, we start doing this before we even know we’re doing it.
Light enters the eye and hits the retina, and somewhere between light exists and oh, that’s a raccoon, your visual system has already started sorting.
The retina is not just sitting back there taking pictures.
It notices things.
Edges. Contrast. Movement. Changes in light.
Which means that before your conscious brain gets the memo, some part of you is already asking:
What is this?
Have I seen this before?
Does this matter?
Should I remember it?
This is why, after learning a new word, suddenly you seem to see it everywhere. Why a song you have not heard in years appears three times in one week. Why you can recognize a friend’s walk from across a parking lot before you can see their face.
The world did not suddenly become full of that thing.
Your attention changed.
And this is where the raccoon problem begins.
Because the same human system that allows us to find patterns can also create illusions.
We see faces in clouds. We find shapes in shadows. We connect moments together and create stories.
Sometimes those stories are wrong.
But sometimes?
Sometimes that same ability is what allows us to create art, recognize kindness, build relationships, and notice what others overlook.
The human brain is not only a machine for survival.
It is a machine for meaning.
Which is inconvenient, because now we have a new problem.
If we are always interpreting what we see, then how do we know when we are noticing something real and when we are simply noticing ourselves?
I do not think the answer is to stop looking for patterns.
That sounds healthy and reasonable.
Yes
And probably impossible.
Maybe the better question is whether we can stay curious about what we notice without immediately turning it into certainty.
Because there is a difference between:
That meant something to me.
and
That means something.
A small difference in language.
A massive difference in posture.
And honestly, I am still learning it.
The raccoon is still there.
The little masked creature, standing in the dark, looking like it knows a secret.
“Unpacking WHAT?” I blurted out aloud, years ago. I was in the middle of attending a continuing teaching certification course.
“Unpacking standards,” the speaker repeated, much slower, almost to be clapping out the syllables.
Judging by the blank stare on my early teacher face, she looked up to my Bambi, doe-eyed self, and repeated, once again, “yes–really figuring out how you measure the things we ask you to measure.”
Floored. I was floored. My brain had never thought that far.
We have these objectives–these assessmenttools–“points of relativity” from which we are supposed to evaluate humans…in comparison to how they are doing to other humans. 💁♀️
Each educator at every level has seen them, heard of them and even had them beat into their nightmares.
Yet so few times do we have John Maxwell type “leaders” who truly take time to explain what these subjectively defined target points mean. In my 8 years of teaching, I’ve seldom had someone really break down what each objective means– into real world, observable, measurable examples I could observe in the classroom.
How am I supposed to know what a 5 year old looks like when they are “applying knowledge of structure and phonics to decode text?” That sentence alone makes my own head explode 🤯
So here is a blog post about unpacking self-compassion.
~Self Compassion: What it is it about?~
Self-compassion, as defined by researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would extend to a loved one in distress. The three core components are:
1. Mindfulness
Observing your feelings without judgment or over-identification.
This is the one with whom I continue to wrestle a challenging relationship with. WE have a lot to learn about one another (which means…I have a lot of surrendering to do #nottodaysatan
2. Common Humanity
Realizing that suffering and imperfection are shared human experiences.
Curiosity is a safer friend to sit with alone; sometimes the daunting intonations of its’ companions, shame and hope, are more arduous to sit with together.
Realizing that suffering and imperfection are shared human experiences.
3. Self-Kindness
Acknowledging your pain with warmth and understanding, rather than criticism.
Self-compassion isn’t self-pity, passivity, or a lack of accountability. Instead, it’s a powerful tool to support “emotional well-being”, especially for individuals processing trauma or working toward healing:
Why Self-Compassion Matters
When life’s challenges become overwhelming (and they will), self-compassion serves, as an anchor. Research shows that compassion-focused practices can reduce anxiety, depression, and feelings of shame, key obstacles for those healing from PTSD or cPTSD. A lack of self-compassion amplifies self-criticism and isolation, leaving many trapped in cycles of guilt or fear. Embracing self-compassion creates a foundation for healing and reconnecting with yourself.
In a fast-paced world that values hustle, achievement, and productivity, self-compassion often takes a backseat. For many—including those dealing with trauma, PTSD, cPTSD, or the aftermath of difficult experiences like assault—
Practicing kindness toward yourself can feel foreign, or even impossible. However, self-compassion is a vital step toward healing and empowerment.
In the next informative blog post, you’ll discover 10 simple yet transformative ways to cultivate self-compassion, backed by mindfulness, presence, and gentle practices you can integrate into everyday life.
Trauma has a way of upending our world in an instant. For women who have bravely endured rape, abuse, or assault, the initial aftermath can feel like standing in most turbulent part of a hurricane—overwhelmed, shaken, unsure where to turn.
While the emotional chaos may feel insurmountable, it’s important to know this: healing is possible, and you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. How do I know this? Because you’re proof. You merely reading this blog post by some random stranger shows me that despite how I may feel at times, I’m not actually alone.
My goal for this blog post is to offer insights, actionable steps, and compassionate guidance to help us begin the process of recovery, no matter the crisis. We have already shown extraordinary strength by surviving. Now, let’s focus on taking the first steps toward healing.
1. Acknowledge the Overwhelm: You are not broken.
The days immediately following trauma are often filled with a tangle of emotions—shock, guilt, anger, sadness, and fear. These feelings are not a sign of weakness or failure. They are a normal response to an abnormal event. Trauma impacts both the mind and body, and understanding this can be the first step toward regaining control.
Take a moment to remind yourself that what happened to you does not define who you are. You are not broken. If you take anything away from this pedantic blog, please let it be this: you are not broken. We are simply responding to a devastating experience, and that, in itself, is a reflection of your humanity.
ACTIONABLE STEP: Begin by naming your emotions. Journaling, voice recording, or even speaking aloud to yourself can help you identify and process these feelings. This first step is vital in beginning to untangle the emotional storm inside.
2. Prioritize Your Safety and Basic Needs
The immediate aftermath of trauma can leave you feeling unsafe in your own skin. Reestablishing a sense of security, both physically and emotionally, is crucial. That might mean creating boundaries with people who don’t support your recovery or avoiding places that trigger painful memories.
Coming from a culture in which we aren’t to date, it is so easy to pin any sort of negative domestic exchange on the women. The dissolution of a marriage? a woman’s fault. The husband cheating? it’s the woman’s fault. Assault, abuse, rape? No brainer. WOMAN’S FAULT.
And honestly, I don’t think it’s an exclusively cultural thing. I see it everywhere–in every continent; that makes my heart very sad.
If I had a penny for every time I’ve sought out support and understanding in contemporary culture and heard the statements above instead, I would be a millionaire—
“See, this is why Allah swt told you not to date–He knew these things would happen (which to some extent, I agree), –so it is your fault. If you hadn’t dated, you wouldn’t have suffered ______”
I digress.
In the aftermath of a crisis, it is equally important to tend to your physical needs as well, such as adequate sleep, nourishing food, and hydration. These seem like small tasks, but they lay the foundation for emotional healing.
ACTIONABLE STEP: If safe, reach out to a trusted support system, whether it’s a friend, family member, hotline, or therapist. Convey your need for safety and begin to design a personal plan to help you feel grounded.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Survivors of rape and abuse often try to suppress their feelings, either out of fear of being judged or because the feelings are too hard to face. However, bottling up your emotions will only prolong your pain. It’s okay to cry, yell, rest, or express your emotions in a way that feels safe for you.
One of the most painful consequences of trauma is feeling invalidated—whether that’s by others or your own inner critic. You may hear thoughts like:
it was my fault
it was because i wore that
it was because I drank too much
it was because I was vulnerable. I knew I shouldn’t have gone.
it was because I dated.
it was because I asked for it.
it was because I don’t remember it.
The list goes ON and ON. But you know what I find to be the motif among the list….
“It was because I deserved it'”.
ACTIONABLE STEP- Try journaling as a form of release. Write without censuring yourself—this is a space just for you. Putting your feelings into words can help you process what happened and regain some sense of control. Remember, feelings are not right or wrong; they are simply part of your healing process.
For me, writing poetry is such a cathartic experience. When I’m flooded with intrusive thoughts, I start finding words that rhyme in my head. Honestly, as a kindergarten teacher, it works. It takes quite a bit of brain power to generate words that rhyme–much less, string them together in a sentence that abstractly captures my feelings.
Understand the Immediate Aftermath of Trauma
When trauma occurs, your body and mind react instinctively to process what happened. These reactions—whether they manifest as numbness, fear, anger, guilt, or disbelief—are completely normal. Your brain is trying to make sense of something senseless and figure out how to protect you moving forward.
Many survivors describe feeling like they’re in a fog or like life has suddenly changed in an instant. After a sexual assault or act of abuse, the fight-or-flight response remains heightened, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion. The first step in addressing these overwhelming reactions is to remind yourself: everything you’re feeling right now is a valid response to trauma.
Our journey to healing starts with self-compassion.
And that’s what we’ll dive deeper into in my next post–practicing self-compassion.
But for now…
ACTIONABLE STEP: Start practicing and incorporating self-compassion.
Hi there! Welcome to the first post of a new series!
Over the last month and a half, I have had to take on the grueling and intensely rewarding task of taking on a classroom full of fiercely independent toddlers. Any teacher (or parent, for that matter) knows that very few situations make us feel as utterly helpless as a defiant toddler screaming “NO!”—for the millionth time that second.
2 months ago, I would have told you I have a pretty solid hold on classroom management; after all, I’ve wrangled in headstrong middle schoolers for years.
Today, I can tell you that I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to shift to teaching younger kids. Toddlers are no joke. Just when you think you’ve got them down, they change!
Being a Pre-K teacher has forced me to break out of my rigidity; It has caused me to become brutally honest with myself. I have had to construct, deconstruct, rebuild, and revise my strategies daily because my tiny humans change every hour!
Teaching toddlers is like looking at myself in one of those magnified concave mirrors; every flaw–every insecurity–every mark I’ve ever tried to “conceal” becomes glaringly obvious.
It’s almost as if they possess this superhuman capability of detecting bullsh*t. With them, there is no “faking it”. Try as we may, we cannot fool these tactful tots. They just know. I don’t know how. I don’t know why–but, they just DO.
My toddlers have a peculiar and oddly reliable way of measuring our genuineness. Long before I utter a single word, they have already picked up on my energetic field. If I’m stressed, they know. If I’m happy, they know. If I’m in a “NOT TODAY” mood–they know.
It’s eerie.
So…..-drum-roll-
My first suggestion when interacting with this age group has nothing to do with them. It has to do with YOU.
Suggestion #1- Never EVER try to be anyone other than YOURSELF.
It is too easy and albeit natural to take on the “act” of being the “reasonable adult.” We want them to think we have it all together. In fact, sometimes, we get so stuck in this stoic facade that we forsake and ignore our true feelings.
Much like politicians, we become so focused on being diplomatic and societally “correct” that we forget to be human.
Because it is so important, let me reiterate this once more–
We CANNOT teach humans if we cannot own our own humanity.
And being human means we make mistakes–a lot of them.
Humans are not created to be sterile, or robotic; we are relational beings. We thrive off connection and a sense of belonging. As a result, we possess a wide variety of emotions. Human beings have the ability to feel sadness, joy, anger, love, jealousy, fear, excitement and so much more.
It is easy to own the lighter, happier emotions. But, what about the ones that can feel overwhelming? What about stress? What about anger?
It’s ironic because when I’m especially stressed, I tend to CLING even more to that “persona” of an “adult” who has everything “under control”. But… it’s a facade.
You know that.
And they know too.
Underneath my “cool and collected” front lies a torrential HURRICANE of panic, doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty.
And they feel it (sometimes, long before I do).
This leads me to my first (and most grave) error.
The biggest mistake I’ve made as a pre-school teacher is not sharing my “true self” with my students.
And honestly, in retrospect, I feel so silly about it. I wasted ample energy trying to conceal my more “difficult” emotions. As a result of my not expressing my true feelings, my classroom fell into a vicious negative feedback loop.
The more stressed I felt, the more my students acted out. The more my students acted out, the harder I tried to maintain the illusion of being an “unshakeable adult.” Despite how calmly I spoke, or how much I lowered my voice, my students picked up on the menacing angst brewing within me–
every. single. time.
I felt like this lady all day, every day.
It’s honestly annoying.
They can sense FAKENESS from MILES away!
The truth is–they don’t need a”made-up” person who has it all under control. They didn’t need the teacher that I was desperately trying to be.
What my toddlers needed all along was…ME.
They craved to connect with the real ME.
Kids, at this age, NEED an adult to express difficult emotions such as anger, sadness, and anxiety. They want us to identify our feelings, own them, say them out loud, and normalize them.
When we express our emotions to them, we are helping them to make sense of their own jumbled-up feelings. Communicating “big” emotions such as anger and anxiety helps us demonstrate adaptive ways of handling them. In those moments, we show (not tell) them how to effectively handle overwhelming emotions. We model how to handle conflict.
They watch how we respond to our own feelings. That is where true learning happens.
The goal, I found, is not to be an adult who shows little to no emotion.
The goal is to become more mindful of our own emotions so that we can express them in a healthy way. By doing that, we create opportunities for children to learn how to handle their own feelings in an appropriate manner.
We can’t tell them how to do it. We must show them how to do it.
And it has to be genuine.
I learned this the hard way.
I tried arduously to keep up the “facade”, but one day, I broke. I could no longer remain “calm” and “serene” in a classroom full of running toddlers who refused to listen. They were throwing toys, grabbing one another, jumping off chairs, and ripping up activities that I had planned for them. I wasn’t okay with that. In fact, I was NEVER okay with that. So what changed?
That day, though, one major thing happened:
I SHOWED them I wasn’t okay with it.
“EXCUSE ME!” I yelled, “SIT DOWN, RIGHT NOW!”
Most of the class came to a screeching halt. They had not heard me yell or lose my cool before.
“ENOUGH!” I said, “WE are ALL DONE!
“no more,” I whispered.
Of course, I had the few that thought I didn’t mean what I was saying. So, I, physically, walked over to them, held their hands, and gently led them back to their seats.
When everyone was sitting, I took a few deep breaths in and out. I took my time to cool down. I let them see me inhale, and exhale loudly. As I stood in front of the class, there was utter silence. All eyes were glued to me.
When I finally spoke again, I lowered my voice so much that they struggled to hear what I was saying.
“Ms. Abid comes in here every SINGLE day–excited to see all of you,” I whispered.
“It makes me so angry and sad when you all do not listen to what I am saying.”
“It makes me think that you don’t like having me as your teacher.”
As expected, students quickly jumped into reaffirm me: “That’s not true.” “Look, Ms. Abid! I’m listening.” “I’m sitting down!”
I gave them the opportunity to express their feelings, and only proceeded to speak when they were all silent again.
“I hate yelling at you all. It doesn’t make me feel good,” I told them. And, I honestly meant it.
“BUT”, I emphasized, “if you continue to act like this, I will NOT tolerate it.” And this time, I honestly meant it.
For the first time ever, I felt like they all heard me.
“Do you understand?” I asked my class.
They all nodded.
“Are you SURE?” I inquired, one more time.
They all nodded.
I spent the next few minutes walking around the classroom, approaching each student, and kneeling down to their level. I gently touched their arm or shoulder to get their attention. When I saw them sustain direct eye contact, I asked each, and every student to rephrase what I had just said in their own words.
And they did.
I wish I could say that everything changed that day– that I had no more problems with students acting out and everyone lived happily ever after.
But, that’s unrealistic.
It’s even more unrealistic when working with toddlers.
What I CAN say, however, is that I have RARELY found myself yelling after that day.
My expression of anger certainly got their attention, however, I can’t say that it was what kept their attention.
I attribute their increased listening ability to my letting them see me for who I am. This single change allowed numerous opportunities for my students to connect with me. As people, we cannot connect with an “illusions.”
Every day after that dreaded day, I made it a point to show up as myself—just as myself—a fallible human who is trying to learn them just as much as they are trying to learn me.
The BEST thing I did was I dropped the facade.
When my students stressed me out, I told them. When they did something to make me happy, I told them. When I felt sick or drained, I told them. When I felt dissatisfied or disappointed with their actions, I told them.
My genuine communication has been the precursor to building strong relationships with each one of my kids.
What I’ve learned is…
Taking ownership of ALL of our emotions is the bravest thing we can do—
For ourselves, AND for our children.
When we forbid ourselves to feel and express complicated emotions, we take away the chance to successfully show our little friends how to REGULATE their feelings.
So much has changed since the day of my “outburst.”
Nowadays, if you were to walk into my classroom, you would find it to be far more lighthearted.
By letting them see me, I have allowed them to build authentic connections with me.
Connection is key; no one wants to learn from someone they cannot relate to.
These days, I don’t need to get so intense. When I see my students veering off expectations, I say things more sarcastically (yet, keeping firm)…
.”okay…ya’ll are doing too much now.”
“_________(student name), you’re being a little too extra today.”
“Dear lord, yall are stressin’ me out…I’m no fun to be around when I’m stressed.”
“Whoa! We have a lot of energy today! Would you like to go outside before we do circle time?” Giving them options has been immensely helpful in reducing power struggles.
When all else fails, I flat out ask them, “are you acting out because you want my attention?”, and you’d be surprised at how many times they answer “yes.”
The thing is…all behavior is communication.
Being a teacher is all about getting more skilled at deciphering their behavior.
Getting to know each of my students has not only helped the classroom environment become less stressful, but also made it so much more fun…even for me!
Nowadays, I find myself dancing, singing, playing, building, and being silly with my kids. I get to celebrate their little victories and guide them through poor choices by offering them alternative solutions.
Most days, I would tell you that being a pre-K teacher is SO MUCH FUN!
And, if you have toddlers, you already know…if there is fun involved, our tiny humans will be the first ones there!
I know I’ve been posting a lot about the “highlights” of my journey. However, I don’t want to promote toxic positivity; in reality, my journey really has been a roller coaster ride; ever since I found out that I had PCOS, which naturally perpetuated insulin resistance, my world and body have made a complete 180.
Or that’s what I’d ideally like to think.
I have made some serious changes to my diet and exercise. The amount of discipline I’ve dedicated to restoring my health has been somewhat of a shock to me. Honestly, at the beginning of April, I wondered if I’d ever be able to stick with a routine.
Don’t get me wrong. I AM proud of myself.
But, today is just not one of those days I feel that way.
Have you ever cued into your body’s messages and realized that something feels off–like you’re off-centered, or off-balance?
Yet, for the life of it, you cannot seem to pinpoint the concrete event that triggered that feeling in the first place.
Today, I’ve been experiencing unsettling sensations in my body. I can feel, intuitively, that something has triggered me; however, I can’t seem to place my thumb on what that trigger was. These icky sensations have started to manifest themselves physiologically as well.
I feel like I got hit by a train today. That’s especially strange since yesterday was a rest day; my body “should” be feeling rejuvenated but it doesn’t. I’ve felt more fatigued today than I have in the last 30 days. So much so that I had to call out of work as I was barely able to wake up.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!?
It’s so strange because if I witness my mind, I can catch myself wandering towards self-sabotage. An odd feeling; I encourage everyone to try it. It’s like having an out-of-body experience. You start having thoughts like:
Whoa! “Maham” really wants to act on the urge to self sabotage. “Maham” is feeling really upset. “Maham is wanting to act out.”…
Speaking of acting out, I ate all the carbs I could today.
Even though, I knew they would make me feel horrible. And they did.
My body literally sent them right back up, and out. And you know what I did afterwards?
EAT MORE CARBS.
WTF
So with that knowledge, most would find it reasonable to go on a run, take a good pilates class, or engage in some HIIT; most would move towards the direction of improving their present situation.
But not me.
I have continued lying in bed, in and out of sleep, literally paralyzed with this insidious feeling of unease.
And it’s not because I have no one to share these painful feelings with. It’s more of an inability to ACTUALLY get myself to a place where I feel courageous enough to be seen & heard.
It feels like crazymaking when you can acknowledge the support system around you, and STILL not utilize it.
This “off” feeling is undoubtedly affecting my relationship with Ayrah– which honestly leads tomy feeling even more worthless.
I swear, children are so intuitive; nothing gets past them. I’ve seen it happen with infants, toddlers, elementary school children and even our middle schoolers. Similarly, I can try and put on my best facade for Ayrah, but she can read right through the BS to my true energy.
The million dollar question…
WHY has some part of me become hellbent on destroying the progress I’ve made?
I…don’t know.
that is the most authentic answer I can give to all of you and myself right now.
I don’t know about yall, but not “knowing” makes me feel even more nervous. Uncertainty and I still are building a relationship. On my best days, I’m able to tolerate it. That’s it though.
There has been no embracing it with open arms or making it an ally 🚫
and then I get so HARD on myself….!
I “should” know right? I “should” be able to pick myself up out of this one random overcast day, right?
I should–especially because I have a Masters in this “mind stuff”. I’ve been taught the stuff to say, the interventions to use, given the worksheets to utilize and skills to practice….
If I was trained & entrusted with helping others walk through their uncertainty & triggers, shouldn’t i just be able do it for myself???
……
But I can’t.
THAT is the confounding paradox.
Something is wrong. I don’t know what it is. But, I feel it with such a powerful intuition! For my yogis, and reiki companions, I feel a palpable blockage in my throat and heart chakras. It’s like there’s a disruption between what my heart is feeling and my ability to communicate it to my environment 🌏
It feels like there is a frog in my throat. Like each time I attempt to speak up, the “cat gets my tongue” and I’m left a blubbering mess.
I feel similar to what Hansel & Gretel might’ve felt–I’m trying to find my way to a specific, concrete destination while not knowing where/what it is.
It’s interesting becauseI can tell my body is trying to communicate with me. I find the unsettling somatic sensations analogous to the bread-crumbs that Hansel and Gretel dropped on their path. They are clues that are meant to lead me back home. These visit sensations are trying, relentlessly, to communicate with me. They are constantly alerting me of the deviation from our natural emotional homeostasis.
I don’t know about you, but I often find myself starting to let shame slip through the doors during times like this. It’s hard not to.
The inner critic takes center stage and starts declaring these statements that sound ludicrous, that are ludicrous, and yet somehow…they still affect me.
“Omg! You ate a mini can of Pringles today…all your progress is ruined.! You’re a failure. Save yourself the dissapointment of keeping up with a healthy diet or workout routine, because we both know you’re going to fail. Do you want to feel that worthless again? So stop while youre ahead.”
When I type it out, it sounds crazy; I know it does.
What’s even crazier is that when it’s not typed out–and instead, fired directly from my brain to my body, without enough time for reflection, I actually start to BELIEVE the unreasonable monologue.
I know that a lot of people who have experienced trauma go through similar experiences. Trauma tends to fragment our thoughts, emotions and sensations in an attempt to protect us from overwhelming pain. The final part of trauma recovery involves the integration of these “compartments” and I can’t honestly say that I have completed full reintegration. Sure, there are times when I feel more integrated than others. however, at times like this…I feel at a loss
.
Many trauma researchers have theorized that painful emotions during a traumatic event usually get stored in the body as tension and pain. If not treated, these may lead to the onset of physical diseases.
Consequently, it makes perfect sense that the body could experience discomfort long before the mind can subconsciously pull out, and identify the focalized trigger or cascade of events that caused the unsettling sensations in the first place.
If you haven’t already, I highly recommend my friends undergoing trauma recovery to pick this book up. It is a life changer!
Sigh– since I’m at a loss, I’m going to throw it out to you guys!
What do you do if/when you feel this way?
I am trying to practice self-compassion but I feel so much shame—especially in the motherhood arena.
I get Ayrah only during the holidays so I put this extra pressure on myself to ENJOY and spend every single moment with her. It’s unrealistic.
and when I’m unable to do so, I feel like I’m a horrible mother. i feel like a failure. I feel like I’m inflicting these massive, irreversible wounds of abandonment or trauma in my child. But I KNOW that children are resilient. I KNOW that you don’t have to be the perfect parent; you just have to be ENOUGH. But KNOWING those things is not enough to stop the distorted thoughts from morphing into deep shame.
“Look at you…”, my mind snarls, “you go teach other parents’ kids all day long–you give them your best, only to come home to your child completely depleted, drained, and grumpy. She gets to have ethe worst of you. Great job, Maham.”
“And oh yeah, let’s not forget that you don’t even get for the whole year. She’ll be gone by the end of the summer, probably thanking God that she doesn’t have to be around a wreck of a mother.”
Thoughts like these create that dreaded negative feedback loop, where my belief of failing keeps me from being authentic and present with my child. When I’m not transparent with Ayrah, she can sense it and I know she can sense it. That just results in my confirming the “belief” that I’m a “failure”. And round and round we go…
till it bleeds into every and ANY interaction I have with my wonderful, magnificent daughter.
For now, I’m going to ride this wave out, let the emotions move through me, deliver their messages and move OUT of me. I want to keep you all updated as it helps me stay accountable.
In the meantime, I’d really appreciate any advice, ideas or suggestions about how you’ve managed to stay “relatively” sane through these ” emotional ruts”. And if you don’t have any, it would mean so much to me if you could practice enough vulnerability and share similar struggles that you may have had. Brene Brown, renowned author and sociologist, states that the most POWERFUL words we can communicate to one another during a time of pain or shame are “Me too”. I believe this is because it helps normalize the icky feelings we all may feel from time to time. For me, it lets me know that I’m not crazy or alone in feeling these ways at times. I hope its okay to KNOW what to do yet still not quite have mustered the motivation to actually implement it.
Would ❤️ to hear from you,
Till tomorrow—here is to hoping I don’t eat the entire Costco box of all the Pringles containers by the AM 😉
This week, we will be returning to one of our mind’s most revered, well-rehearsed, and absolutely maladaptive ways of thinking, or what were they called again???
COGNTIVE DISTORTIONS!
Distortion, who?
WARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful ways of thinking that are adopted throughout the lifespan of a human. They are usually adopted as defense mechanisms in immediate acute stages. However, if they continue to linger on and become a part of our daily routines, they become highly problematic. All cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are usually cultivated during a crisis–a short-term response to an emotionally overcharged situation. They are not inherently “good” or “bad.” They are just mere momentary defense mechanisms to help us get through immediate tension. When they become more overarching in our lives, they begin to infiltrate our day-to-day life and cripple our interpersonal connections and self-evaluation.
This week, WE will discuss one of the triplets of a a family of cognitive distortions.
The FATHER of this family is jumping to conclusions.
In psychology, this distortion branches out into three categories: 1. Mind-reading 2. Fortune-telling 3. Labeling.
So…what does each one pertain? Why do we engage in these negative ways of thinking? Most importantly,how do we catch ourselves in the midst of it so we can begin to stop it?
Here is your one-step stop for nipping these types of unhelpful patterns of thinking in the bud.
Mind-Reading
The first mutation branching off the “jumping conclusions” band wagon is “mind-reading”.
So mind-reading– What is it? When does it become unhealthy?
I think it’s really important to get the crisp, curt definition of the phenomenon.
In general, “mind-reading” refers to the super-human ability to discern the thoughts of each other without the normal means of communication, especially by means of a preternatural power.
In psychology, “mind-reading” falls into a subcategory of one of the most common cognitive distortions; its corresponding parent category is “jumping to conclusions.”
Mind-reading is a misnomer given to the cognitive error that occurs when we try to predict what someone else is feeling based on our own assessments of the situation alone.
Just in case you were curious, the conclusions we arrive to through mind-reading are usually WRONG.
When we are engaged in mind-reading, we do not take time to consider others’ unique thoughts and life experiences, and we become increasingly and incorrectly stuck in our limited lens of thinking.
Some examples of “mind reading” look like:
As you can see, those are some lofty assumptions about reality. Another poignant observation is that each thought bubble shares the same faulty pattern of thinking. Each of these situations involves a person incorrectly assuming something to be true for another person. The problem with this type of thinking is that we are usually projecting what we feel onto others. We usually do not take time to check our facts, and consult with the other person/people in situation to see if our “read” on the situation may been skewed.
The truth of the matter is NO psychologically sound person is capable of “mind-reading.” It simply does not exist. In fact, if someone were to tell me that they knew, without a reasonable doubt, that another person was feeling a certain way, I may have to recommend them more intensive psychiatric help.
Believing that we know what others need, want, and think without communication is a delusion. We do not truly know what another wants or needs are unless there is an appropriate exchange of questions and answers.
That is why some of the most helpful skills therapists try to coach their clients are in regards to communication. We must questions for clarifying because, who knew? We are not always right.
By asking others how they feel, or what they want, we allow them to exercise their birthright of autonomy. When we ask questions, we create space for others to clarify their desires, thoughts, and actions.
I find myself commonly engaging in mind-reading around people in my immediate circle. It is only natural to study, observe and gather nonverbal data on those that we spend the most amount of time with.
The problem with this natural predilection is that our mind cannot stop doing it. So much so that, it sometimes does its job too well. It will arduously collect information, day in and day out. Now, the brain is not to blame. It is only doing what it was created to do. The primitive brain is often trying to categorize only in an attempt to simplify complex human realities. As a result, we may jump to conclusions, polarized thinking, overgeneralization and other patterns of erroneous thinking.
An Example of how F*CKED up it can get FAST
We have all experienced being the friend/coworker/partner who finds themselves thinking: “Oh no! ______ hates me. I’m just sure of it!” (of course we are)
This type of charged thought usually infects our brains long and before we know it, the parasite has taken over our secondary thinking. All of a sudden we are dealing with a cascade of negative feedback.
Quickly after suggesting the notion of someone not liking us to the brain, we begin to subconsciously “collect evidence” to support that same incorrect belief.
For example, if that person looks up and frowns, we are more likely to assume that it is because of their loathing towards us rather than a completely unrelated cause.
As more and more time goes on, the narrative in our heads thickens until we start to notice every single sigh, eye roll, and sarcastic remark and internalize it towards us.
We become so zoomed in; in this highly charged state, we become acutely aware of the slightest changes in the other’s body posture. Our panicked brains’ engulf themselves in rapidly computing every nonverbal cue to become negatively-connotated; we are trying collect all the (already-biased) information so that we may somehow arrive at the “logical” conclusion. At least, that is what the brain will have us “believe.” The truth is exactly what I stated above–we cannot ignore our own inherent bias about the situation.
The way our brains are wired is literally to search specifically for proof that validates the ideas we already believe to be true. We think we may be neutral, but at best, through psychoeducation and self-awareness, we can become mindful of the preexistence of these unique, acquired biases and shortcomings we have.
Next week, we will be delving into an equally insidious twin sister of mind-reading, who seemed to have gotten her dysfunctionality gene from their shared father–jumping to conclusions.
But before, let me not abandon you without suggestions for how to survive the tendency to mind-read.
Tip #1- Reflect and Retrain
The most wonderful and liberating thing about realizing that we are, most likely, wrong….is that we also possess the power to re-equilibrate our thinking to align more closely with reality.
I want you to ask yourself the following question
Why do I assume that people will treat or talk about me in a bad way?
Please write down at least 10 reasons why you believe that to be the case. The best way to approach this exercise is to a) don’t judge yourself too much for believing it because we all do. We all seem to think that the world is preoccupied with us, to some extent. I want you to try to “free-associate” when jotting down the answers to the aforementioned question.
What does free-association mean?
That means, it does not matter how ridiculous, narcissistic, self-absorbed, negative or absolutely ludicrous your brain’s responses are to that question. I want you to just jot them down, without thinking (well…while minimally thinking). The point is to gather your automatic thoughts so that we can focalize on the underlying belief that may be driving you to think that you are indeed, the center of the world, and the reincarnation of the antichrist.
Tip #2- Observe Your Reaction During Mind-Reading
Mind-reading causes negative symptoms in your body and accelerates the fear which already exists. The reason we ALL begin to mind-read is because some external trigger has literally inflamed a pre-existing insecurity we had long before someone else ever rolled their eyes around us.
If you get anything out of this post—or anything out of the series of posts about cognitive distortions–please let it be this: WE MIND-READ BECAUSE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES. It happens because someone or something else has triggered something that already PRE-EXISTED (usually long before) the irritant manifested itself.
As a result, our bodies start to give these tell-tale signs that we often ignore because we jump to conclusions and become extremely preoccupied with protecting ourselves. It is so vital to slow ourselves in the moment to observe these bodily sensations and cues because they can be of utmost help in recognizing our tipping off balance.
For example, fear of inadequacy is a phobia that often triggers me to mind-read. Due to my life experiences, and my own interpretations of them at the time, I have a very hard time controlling my reactions and thinking when I even SUSPECT that someone has “figured me out.” The following is an example of how my brain works:
– Insert external trigger: an eye roll or sigh or someone not saying hi to me.
Omg! ______ saw me and ignored me. What did I do? Is it because I didn’t say hi to her? Did I look mean? Did she overhear her me saying something negative about her? Should I apologize? I’m such a failure! I knew it. Everyone in my life was right (overgeneralization). I have been figured it out. God damn it! I try so hard to perfect this “facade” of having it all together and I knew it was just a matter of time. They’ve all figured it out. She’s probably told everyone else that I’m just a big old imposter. A wannabe. A loser. Someone who tries so hard just to “help” others because they just want to feel good about themselves. And you know why? Because I suck. I suck. and I KNOW I SUCK (emotional reasoning) and there is no way for me to hide it. It will always come out in time….etc.
The above was an example of free-association. Do you see how fast my thoughts spiraled?
Now, what is likely is that before I stepped into the quicksand of my dendrites firing away, there were probably tons of sensory cues that warned me that my brain was about to go down this path.
I know I must have felt that “heart drop” feeling. I don’t know how else to describe it, however, I know I ALWAYS tend to feel it when I feel rejected, humiliated, or fearful. It’s that pang in the heart. I might:
Start flushing red
Feel my body temperature rise
Start shaking
Show patterns of uneven breathing
Tighten up my shoulders due to tension
Begin to feel my stomach churn due to feeling uncomfortable.
Feel like I need to puke
Become clammy
Start furrowing my brows in worry
Feel “frozen” in time
Feel my heart beating faster.
There are so many different ways that our body tries to catch up to our mind. Even though each one of our “tell-tales” may be unique and different, I promise you that they exist. We all must work towards becoming aware of them so that we can not fall down the rabbit hole I just described above.
Tip #3- Ask questions
This is the simplest and most efficient way to nip mind-reading and other cognitive distortions in the bud. It is also one of the most difficult ones, in terms of mustering up enough bravery to ask something we may not want to hear the response to. I have had to train myself, and even come up with “scripts” when I’m not heated, that I can use in the moment to help clarify what I’m thinking. Some include:
“Hey, this might just be me, but I feel like there is a shift in energy in the room/between us (etc). Did I do something to offend you or upset you?”
“Are you upset with me, or is it just me?”
Bonus tip: ADD HUMOR– “You know my tendency to think everything is about me…so I saw you sigh earlier, and automatically jumped to the conclusion that it was indeed because of me. Now, I know I’m probably overthinking this, but I wanted to clarify and give you the opportunity to remind me that I’m just not that important.” this one gets a lot of laughs.
“I keep feeling like something is off with us. Am I wrong?”
“Hey, are you okay?”
Asking questions allows us to tell on ourselves, and allow others the autonomy to express their own feelings. Furthermore, it opens up the door for us to become of service to those around us if there is something unrelated bothering them. Checking in with others and being transparent about our own tendencies to catastrophize can also help them find us more relatable and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if there is something wrong in the future.
Please re-read this as many times as you need: “we LIKE people for their qualities, but we end up falling in LOVE with them for (admitting) their defects”.
abidmaham 