❤ I’M BACK ❤

Pregnancy is such a complex, multi-faceted experience. I think if I could come up with one word to describe the process, it would be “vulnerability.” Something as private as your body becomes a public spectacle. Well-intentioned people begin to make comments about how you’re growing, if you’re growing, and whether or not that growth looks “good” or “bad.” Also, pregnancy is a time period marked with companionable, but unsolicited advice. Out of care and genuine curiosity, people seem to want to bond over this experience. It’s such an exciting time, and I think people, generally, are eager to share that excitement with you! They want to connect, and tell you about their experiences when they were pregnant, what worked for them and what didn’t’ work for them. Even strangers at the grocery store are eager to grant you their two cents on what you should or should not be doing, eating, not eating, craving, feeling etc. Though I agree that this advice comes from a benevolent place, it can sometimes be a hard to accept with an open heart.

I’m working on this, and on clearing my heart. I am trying to look at these advances as an opportunity for connection. What may seem as unsolicited advice may just be an attempt for others  to find common ground. They are connecting with me, and giving me an opportunity to connect back. I won’t lie, however, thinking about advice this way is going to take some work. When someone criticizes what I’m doing, a natural resistance arises out of my human heart. I’ve witnessed this, specifically, in terms of others criticizing my running and physical activity.

I would go as far as saying that there is a universal taboo on physical exercise during pregnancy. It seems as if, regardless of culture, there is inaccurate information circulating about a suspected increased risk of miscarriages and birth defects associated with over-activity. This myth is especially exacerbated in the Indian/Pakistani culture 😦 The tricky thing in terms of defining what you can/cannot do in pregnancy is defining what “over-activity” means. I believe that the preceding definition is so subjective, and relative to the individual. For someone that has never walked a mile before, running 5 miles/day during pregnancy is probably alarming and unfavorable. However, for an ironman or triathlete, running a marathon might still be below their personal “over-activity” threshold. I guess the point I’m trying to make is: it is all relative. Nothing is 100% wrong or 100% right; in fact, my lovely OBGYN ran through eight months of all of her pregnancies!  Pregnancy is a unique experience and no human being experiences it identically. Our bodies are also unique in their unparalleled capabilities, training and consequently, in the thresholds of intensity they are able to tolerate. From what I’ve gathered (mostly from my doctor and other OBGYNS), the rule of thumb seems to be the following: avoid trying new regimens that you haven’t been consistently pursuing before your pregnancy.

As for me, running and physical activity are the two practices that have kept me emotionally balanced. Everything seems to be subject to change in pregnancy, and I, for one, am still working on trying to tolerate change—much less, embrace it! Being pregnant is such an odd, lovely change! On one hand, there is this sense of blooming love and overwhelming excitement that I’ve never felt before. Then, on the other hand, I experience waves of terrifying fear and crippling vulnerability. “What if I screw this up?” “What if I mess up, and that ends up destroying my daughter’s life?” “What if I’m unable to provide her with enough stability to feel safe in this unpredictable world?” I think that is my biggest fear-that I will somehow “ruin her”. I don’t want to mess up her beautiful, fragile life. I suppose this fear is one that many parents have. I’ve seen the consequences of careless parenting one too many times, and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. With all these thoughts ruminating in my mind, the addition of the vicissitudes of hormones and my own body changing can make me feel completely ungrounded. I can forthrightly and wholeheartedly say that the ONE thing that has helped me feel like myself is physical activity. Fitness, running, and working out are all activities that I enjoyed long before I was pregnant; they have been stable, persevering components in my transitions from childhood, youth, to adulthood. To me, physical activity serves as a hope for normalcy; it makes me feel like myself and gently reminds me that there is a beautiful end to these nine months of persistent change—that at the end of this process, my most sought out dream will come true; I, Maham Abid, will be a mother.

Running has provided me with a sense of consistency throughout this changing process. And of course, I’m terrified that one day I’m going to go the doctor and they will tell me that I have to restrain from all physical activity, and become bedridden because they’ve detected some sort of risk. Ah! how could I authentically claim this entry without the resurfacing of my ever-familiar tendency to catastrophize? I try to soothe these fears by reminding myself that so far, everything is normal, healthful and unimpaired. I do not know about tomorrow, but today, I have no reason to believe that this fear will manifest itself into reality. And if there ever comes a day when I do have to deal with this fear, or any other fear, for that matter—then, I will deal with it when it arrives in the present. But, not one moment sooner.

Today, I will choose something different.

Today, I will celebrate, because today I am pregnant with my beautiful baby girl. Today, I can of share my joy of running and other physical activity painlessly and effortlessly with my beautiful daughter. Today, I am carrying a sweet little child in my changing body, and that is miraculous. It is all I’ve longed for since I’ve been old enough to walk.

I was reminded of this in my new years trip with my family.

 

As we were hiking in Chattanooga, we passed by a wishing well and my sweet husband offered me a penny so that I could make a wish. When he suggested this, an indescribable emotion surged through me with immense power. I paused and with eyes full of grateful tears, I looked up at my kindhearted husband and said: “Alhamdullilah (by the grace God), I have nothing to wish for. All my wishes are coming true.”

I am happy, healthy, loved, and able to extend love.

And now, (iA), I will soon be a mother to a sweet, angelic baby doll.

There may come a day when my little girl grows up and feels dejected, and like the world has let her down. She may begin to doubt her own dreams, passions and aspirations, whatever they may be. And that day (and every other day), I’ll look down into her beautiful eyes, and point out that SHE, in her very existence, serves as MY constant reminder that dreams really do come true.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! I will definitely try to keep posting, as it is a highly therapeutic experience for me ❤ I plan on talking about my fears, changes in my workout routine, nutrition, pregnancy and other ramblings. Comment below and let me know if you’d like to know more about something else!

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