02/15/2016

I am so so thankful that my cousin’s surgery was successful! It went even better than the medical team had predicted. His chemotherapy had helped shrink the tumor to a miniscule amount, so it was quite easy to remove; the surgeons didn’t have to become too invasive and his diaphragm was left untouched! Consequently, the procedure was short and afterwards, Shuji was transferred directly to a hospital room. Yay! He had to spend no time in the ICU! And, guess what? He’s cancer-free!!!!! If that isn’t cause to celebrate, then I don’t know what is!

I’m also feeling particularly thankful for such loving in-laws. I know many people have horror stories about “monster-in-laws”, but by the grace of God, I have been spared from the challenging trial; My in-laws are so sweet, and I really respect, admire and look up to them. I tell my mother-in-law that if I can raise my daughter to be half the person she raised ALL of her children to be, I’ll be pleased. I’m really thankful for the fact that I will be able to seek her advice as I raise my own daughter. I love how much my in-laws, and the entire extended family love me and care about me. I have never felt like they treated me any differently from their own. Even the extended family has accepted me with arms and hearts wide-open; now, I feel as if they are more like my OWN cousins rather than my husband’s. I am grateful that we live in proximity to the entire family; this gives me the opportunity to interact with them more often!

You know who my heart is especially grateful for recently? My sister-in-law.

She is literally a ray of sunshine in the family, and in my own life. Through her silly imitations, to her cute little antics, she is consistently making everyone around her laugh and smile. Saman is one of the most caring people I’ve ever met; it’s really rare to find a person who is so balanced in terms of being cognitive, and being sentimental. She is a tigress—she has iron-clad strength and a will that is indomitable, but somehow, there is this undeniable softness about her too. Even though she is younger than me, I look up to her so much! Every time I see her, I’m so thankful for her. She protects, and loves me like I’m her own child.

Speaking of children, there is one aspect of interacting with my sister-in-law that I am so utterly thankful for. I don’t even know if my words will do an equitable job of capturing how grateful I feel about this—I am absolutely in awe of the continual excitement she expresses for her coming niece. I can’t even tell you how excited she is, lol. She is a akin to a cat around catnip every time there is any talk of her precious “niece-to-come!” Even if it’s something as ordinary as normal results from routine blood work, ultrasound images, or just chats about baby clothes…she becomes beyond ENTHUSED! Having that sort of powerful positive energy around me is SO beneficial. On some days, when I feel bloated, sick and irritated with pregnancy changes, I literally bring to mind HER excitement; her eagerness to meet my daughter rubs off on me, and starts to make me really excited once more. On some days, it is solely her pure-hearted joy and love for our daughter that recharges me, and inspires me to keep on persevering.

When my own motherly love gets clouded with the discomforts of the pregnancy process, it is HER love that floods in through my heart and fills in the gaps. My daughter is going to be so lucky to have her as an aunt; to be honest, I’m kinda jealous! 😛 The other day,  I was driving home after visiting my in-laws, and I literally turned to my husband and declared: “I have to DELIVER this child safely and soundly for Saman.” Her unwavering joy is such a motivating force for me. The fact that she is so excited for our daughter makes this process so much more appealing for us. Saman, you have always been such a source of joy, but I can’t even tell you how much my love has compounded for you throughout my pregnancy experience.

02/16/2016

To tell you the truth, today was a really rough day. My self-image was distortedly horrible. I felt really terrible about myself, and this only led to me feeling more and more unlovable. What’s more is that when I’m feeling entrenched in the grips of depression, I feel like a burden to those around me. I feel like my sadness might be “contagious” and bring them down , so it becomes really hard for me to seek out support. It becomes hard to let others in, especially those whom I care about the most. I don’t want an ounce of negativity to scathe the ones I love–not even mine. But that’s a double edged sword, because my not reaching out leaves me feeling lonely and and rejected. This feeling of isolation only makes these days more unbearable.

Being the kind, protecting, and caring soul that he is, I know that my husband will want to stay with me and do everything in his power to try to make me feel better. Unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing that he (or anyone else) can do in the immediate future to make it better. You know the kind of days I’m talking about? The only thing that makes these days okay again is time. Much like a virus, we have to sometimes let these emotional disturbances arise, let them take their course, and minimize the lingering effects they leave behind. At the same time, however, I recognize and appreciate how blessed I am that there are people in my life that WANT to help so eagerly. Today, I am grateful for the support that I always have available (regardless of my receptivity to it). I realize that it is such a huge blessing, and I feel so humbled that there is someone out there who is trying to help, even though I’m sure it is much easier to let the storm pass, and return when things are brighter!

On days like today, I can see why the gratitude practice is so necessary. Today, I am finding that I’m more thankful for what didn’t absolutely go wrong, rather than all the wonderful things that happened. So, I’m thankful for time, and the fact that it is always passing; this makes it to where even the worst days can only last for a maximum of 24 hours. I’m thankful that I wasn’t hurt physically today, and that my health is still unimpaired; I am thankful for my limbs that allowed me to work out, and my mind that really shone through with its unwavering work ethic and discipline, (because trust me, what I really wanted to do was just lay in bed and mope all day). I am thankful for my family and friends, and their kind loving interactions with me. I’m thankful for all the things that could have gone wrong today, but didn’t—the weather was beautiful; the people in my life are safe and healthy; I am physically capable etc. But a part of me feels like I’m phony in writing these things; i feel like I’m not really connecting to them as I write them, and solely writing them because they are “the right things” to say.

Let’s get honest. You know what I’m really thankful for? I’m really thankful that today is about to be over, and that tomorrow is a new day. I’m utterly grateful for hope, new beginnings and the fact that things can change. I’m thankful that, even though I have no guarantees, I have HOPE for a better day tomorrow, and you know what? I will cling to that today. I am thankful for sleep, because it is a time machine to get through tough times! I can’t wait to get some zZzzZz in soon. I’m thankful that I am partaking in this gratitude practice, and that I get a chance to write out my thoughts and feelings. I’m grateful for the possibility that once I publish this, even ONE of you might be able to relate to it and find some solace in this entry. I’m grateful for Netflix, and warm baths, and massages that seem to make days like today more manageable. And lastly, I am immensely immensely immensely thankful that this is only temporary. I am grateful for the knowledge that our minds are not always 100% honest with us. Just because I feel like I’m a crummy being doesn’t mean that I really am. My perception can be distorted. Thank GOD for that. I’m thankful for prayer and for the ability to be optimistic about the future. Ugh! and for heating pads…I have one wrapped around my lower back as I type this up and it is ever so soothing!

So here’s to hoping for a better tomorrow, and for a big dollop of gratitude for the little things that went right/didn’t go wrong today!

02/17/16

Today was a beautiful day—one of those days that makes you sigh in peace as you rest your head to sleep. It’s not even like something astoundingly magical happened; rather, I think it was magical that I was aware enough to recognize the extraordinary in the ordinary moments. I’m so full of gratitude today and I’m so thankful to be feeling this way. Through this daily practice, I’ve come to realize that there is a natural rhythm/fluctuation in my relationship with gratitude; on some days, my heart is so full and content, and other days, it is more restless and dissatisfied. So above all, I am grateful for being able to notice and feel the beauty of the little things.

I flew back home today to visit my family; I am thankful for a safe flight, and for the fact that we have accommodations that can allow us to visit loved ones and stay in touch. I’m thankful for my mom, and how she always has my favorite foods ready; I’m thankful for the burst of joy that I feel when I see my little sister for the first time; I’m grateful for my dad’s comforting embrace that just makes me feel like everything is right in the world again.

There’s something really lovely about being in your childhood room again—to lay in the same bed in which you used to dream about the things you have now. I can’t remember how many times I wished to find a loving, stable, and caring partner as I fell asleep here. I giggle as I recall how “being a mom one day” seemed like such a distant desire just a few years ago. Ah.

I am also grateful for this really sweet interaction I had on the way home; in between my flights, I stopped by to use the restroom. The lady that was working there to maintain and upkeep the condition of the facility was so unbelievably sweet. It’s not so much what she did or didn’t do; it was her presence and demeanor that made the interaction. Her friendly tone and welcoming smile was enough to make my drowsy self feel more happy, simply by being around her.

I am also really grateful for a simple exchange via Instagram. I reached out to an old high school friend and asked her what it felt like to be a mother; she responded enthusiastically, saying it was such a sweet experience! I could sense the genuineness in her response, and it made me eager to meet my own daughter!

You know what else I am so, over the moon, grateful for? The love that I feel from my husband’s family. The extended family is such a tight-knit support system and I’m so blessed to know them, and to be loved by them. Sweet little chats with them are such a breath of fresh air; I love that they tolerate my crazy cat lady memes, and forgive me so generously for my shortcomings. I truly have found new meaning to what it means to be a family after being married to Faraz. The way everyone watches out for one another, and cares for each other is downright inspiring. I love that we live so close to them; it gives me a first class seat to observe and experience the generosity, love and compassion they employ in their interactions.

Speaking of extended families…I’m so utterly grateful to his cousins (which I lovingly claim as all mine now). Seriously though, each one of them…they are mine now. I am so grateful that for two twin cousins, alongside my sister-in-law, who are so eager to help plan out my baby shower!!! Sugar or spice? These girls are everything nice! From coming up with themes, to suggesting wall décor and party favors, I can tell that they are really trying to make this a special experience for me. And you know what?…it already is! I feel so loved, cared for and special already! Themes and colors aside…it is their eager desire for involvement that has had me floored and speechless. The fact that there are people in my life that want to make this a special occasion for me is so incomparably special! I don’t want to take that type of love for granted; I realize how blessed I am to share my life with angels who desire to see me smile and to experience my happiness, right next to me!

02/18/2016

Today was a great day! I am thankful for sleep. I slept in till 12 pm today, and trust me, it was glorious. I’ve had interrupted sleep for a few days now and so something as simple as getting a good night (and day) sleep was a lovely blessing.

I am also really grateful for the ability to “show up” for my life. Recently, I’ve been repeating that statement quite a lot to myself. “Maham, all you have to do is get dressed and show up.” What do I mean by that? On the days I find a lot of resistance in my mind to working out or doing another task, I repeat that statement countless times. It’s been really beneficial because it forces me to go into an experience without any performance-oriented expectations. All I have to do is literally get dressed, and show up. What happens after is not my battle; it is God’s. I’ve done what I can do, and the rest is up to Him. And you know what? I can certainly attest to the fact that He has not been stingy with infusing His mercy and strength into my life. I’m truly grateful. I find myself telling God the following often: “I’m not much. My motivation is at best, wavering. I get carried away easily. My emotions often control me and I really don’t have much to offer you. But if you want to use me to do something, I’m all yours.” It’s ironic because after saying that prayer, I’ve noticed, many times, that He will allow me to accomplish things beyond what I expected from myself!

Another thing I’m really grateful for is being able to spend time with my parents. I love watching the people they’ve grown up to become; they are such amazing, dynamic individuals. As I’ve gotten older, they’ve become less and less “my parents who do things for me” and more and more seperate “people with their own set of hopes and dreams.” I love hearing about their dreams, goals and reflections upon their lives. Over the years, I’ve seen them grow together as each one of the birds leaves the nest. First, I got married and left. Then, Ahad went to medical school a few hours away, and now they have Anu going to college. These human beings I call “Mama” and “Baba”,  who dedicated so much of their time and energy into raising us, are now finding themselves with abundant gaps of emptiness.

The way they have started to fill these gaps is through developing beneficial routines. They sit together and watch certain TV shows; they pray together; they memorize the Quran together, and practice their recitations on one another. But, one of the activities they partake in really softens my heart. And, it is their nightly “exercise hour.” After praying maghrib, they both put on old music and my mom gets a workout on the elliptical while my dad lifts. You need to watch them during this exercise hour to understand what I feel. It’s like they go into their own little world, where they are fully entrenched in helping support each other’s goals and wellbeing. As they get older, I’ve watched them morph into strong sturdy pillars of companionship for one another; it really brings about a heart-tugging sensation within me. Watching my aged parents find solace in routine and relentlessly support  one another in something like “an exercise hour” makes my heart tender, soft and full of love towards them. I watch as they attempt to cope with the aging process, and the natural sadness that arises from their once-full nest, now getting emptier and emptier. I have boundless mercy in my hearts for them.

Finally, I am also really thankful today for… CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! My little sister and I were craving a batch of freshly made cookies, so we literally ran out to the grocery store at 10 pm to gather our supplies. And we baked it off, talked and laughed until the most buttery, warm, gooey, savory, delectable, mouth-watering, tender-to-touch cookies were baked. Oh my goodness! They were so warm and soft–so appetizing! I love how their delectable aroma fills the entire home and makes it seem like you’re living in a delicious gingerbread house! and of course—I was grateful to be able to enjoy a sweet treat with my sweet sister!

02/19/2016

Today was a challenging day. I haven’t been as regimented on my diet as I usually am; coming home to all this delicious food made with mama’s love and care has certainly been savory, however, it has thrown off my routine nutritional intake. And though my routine has only been disrupted for all but two to three days, it is certainly making me feel like I’m losing self-control. I feel anxious. This is a really scary place for me to be in. I like to do things a certain way, and prefer to have some sense of predictability to almost all aspects of my life. So today—I am trying to be grateful that life has provided me the opposite of that! I’m pretty sure this challenge is an opportunity to break out of stringent, rigid routines, and experience some level of spontaneity. Despite the feelings of anxiety and worry that uncertainty brings about, it is necessary to be flexible in life. I’m grateful for life repeating a lesson that I really need to learn; I need to realize that if I’m not micro-managing every little aspect of my life, things still turn out relatively okay. Nothing catastrophic happens; the plate tectonics beneath my feet do not suddenly shift. A few changes in routine are healthy and okay.

Simultaneously, however, even though I was able to indulge in a few “cheat days”, I am grateful that I possess the necessary insight to monitor things before they spiral out of moderation. It is glaring that I work very hard on my physical fitness, and I don’t want to continue on this cycle…before I know it, “a few days” may turn into “a few months”; I work tenaciously to train myself. I fuel myself with conscious foods so that my body performs at its optimal. I don’t want to toss dirt all over my efforts…and I don’t have to. That is why I am so immensely thankful that I am under no obligation to be the same person I was just five seconds ago. Sure, I can accept the things that I cannot change BUT I can also change the things that I accept. I’m thankful for new beginnings, the courage to start again, and the fact that every moment passing by has the inherent potential to change our lives forever. I’m thankful for choices and self-control; I am grateful that I can choose to no longer keep indulging, and operate life from a more cognitive mindset.

Speaking of making changes, I am thankful for the realization that I have to start incorporating more strength training into my regimen—especially given my pregnancy. Pregnancy hormones have a tendency to make joints lax, and strength training is beneficial to help prevent injury and promote an easier delivery/recovery. I have a sporadic relationship with strength training, as it is not my favorite thing to do! However, again, I can choose to consciously start to incorporate it at more timely intervals, because it will not only help my body do the things that it loves more efficiently (cardio), but also enable a speedier labor and delivery!

Lastly, I was really thankful today for a moment with my sister. As we were driving around to pick up new headphones, we started to listen to old songs; the Hannah Montana soundtrack emerged from the dust, and we literally fell back into childhood mode. We laughed, and sang along at the top of our lungs—not a care in the world as to who was watching, or what was happening around us. It was a moment lavished with 100% spontaneity, and no cognitive interruptions. I’m really grateful for moments like that—the moments that your heart is so full of joy in the littlest things, and you are fully emerged in the present. You are alive.

02/20/2016

Walking is such a blessing. Since I’m visiting my parents, the nearest gym is 3 miles away; because of the proximity, I have made it a point to walk there and back every time I intend to workout. It’s a great way to warm up, and it places me in the arms of nature. I love watching the trees, weather, and birds; on my way, I say “hi” to the adored neighborhood alligator that hangs out outside the pond on warm days like today. I’m grateful for the experience of walking, and how it is an activity that is slow enough to connect with, both, mind and body. As you probably know, I love fast-paced cardiovascular activities; they leave me feeling empowered, capable, and strong! Walking is different. It feels unfamiliar, but in the most beautiful way. I’m intrigued by it, and what it brings out of me. I’m grateful, curious, and excited for the new relationship I’m building with it.

I’m really grateful for Audible, and other technology that allows me to listen to words of wisdom from so many different books as I workout, get dressed or just hang out! I love hearing the stories and experiences of others; it’s beautiful, because in the moment that their words resonate with me, the lives of those authors and my journey crossover for a second. When they say something that just hits my heart, they make me feel connected to them and the rest of the world.

So, do you want to hear about a really exciting experience? I’m now able to SEE my daughter kick underneath my stomach!!! You guys, when I’m laying flat on the ground, breathing deeply and evenly, I can definitely see a rise in my abdomen where she kicks. Its too soon to tell whether it’s her little footsie or her hand, but there is definitely a distinct and momentary rise and fall.  I showed my little sister, and I’m pretty sure she is convinced that I’m harboring ET in my tummy; it’s funny creeping her out!

I’m very grateful for friendship. I’m so blessed to know loving friends, who graciously forgive my shortcomings, and love me regardless of the fact that I’m imperfect. I’m grateful for good conversations and great pizza at Mellow Mushroom.

02/21/2016

Today, I am grateful for forgiveness and mercy. I’m grateful, that if we choose, we have the ability move on from feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. We have all done or said things in our lives that we would take back, if given the chance. I know I certainly have. Sometimes, I let the weight of previous mistakes hunker me down. I become so weighed down with my own guilt and shame, and find myself asking: “what if I haven’t been forgiven?” I have this unrelenting fear that if haven’t been “forgiven”, there is a looming punishment around the bend, just waiting to hit me. It’s almost as if I expect something really terrible to happen, and  when it does, I’ll feel like I deserve it—because of my past mistakes. That’s a terribly excruciating burden to carry around. To think that I don’t deserve happiness, fulfillment, and love because of mistakes I’ve made in the past is a distorted and crippling belief. Thank God that it’s a belief that I can choose to reject.

I’m grateful for this insight, and for other self-discoveries. I know that I tend to assume a lot more guilt and shame than I probably deserve; simultaneously, I’m hesitant to allocate culpability to others. This makes me a prime candidate for negative self-talk, feelings of low self-worth, and just feeling like I’m not good enough or deserving. I think one of my greatest fears in life is that I’m inherently unlovable; oftentimes, I feel like I don’t deserve the love I have. In my human journey, I somehow equated my self-worth with performance and accomplishments. It seems as if my “loveability” is contingent on what I do/don’t do rather than who I am/am not. Over time, I’ve come to realize that my worth is is unchanging. It is present because of who I inherently am, not what what I do/don’t do; but it’s been hard to integrate this new belief into my preexisting cognitive schema. I am thankful, however, that I’m much closer to believing this now than I was in previous years.

God, I am so utterly grateful that my actual self-worth is a quantity that does not change with my wavering self-concept—that my worth remains the same, whether or not I choose to recognize and acknowledge it. I am grateful that God and the universe are more forgiving towards me than I am towards myself. I’m thankful that despite my beliefs about whether or not I deserve love, I am given love. I am grateful that my thoughts about myself and the world are not 100% foolproof correct; I am also simultaneously thankful for the ability to recognize these distortions when they arise.

On a different note, I am so excited that I got to run outside today! Initially, I was so scared; every thought in my mind was telling me I won’t be able to do it; “it’s going to be so hard, and your body is going to feel so miserable” my brain repeated, “you’re going to be so slow, and it’s going to feel agonizing.” But, I hesitantly mustered up the courage to get outside, start, and next thing I know…I was just putting one foot in front of the other. Yes, I was slower than usual. Yes, I could tell that it was harder on my body than it would be if I were running on a treadmill. I want you guys to imagine carrying a cantaloupe and running long-distances with it. (That’s literally how big my baby is right now!) It felt different, for sure. But I was happy that I got out there and showed myself that I can handle tough workouts. It was just another opportunity to reaffirm that my brain does not always tell the truth; I don’t have to listen to every single thought that runs through it. Some thoughts are better left discarded. I realized, again, today that the voices that say “I can’t do it” are usually not mine. It was also very much a blessing to be able to run the last mile with my sister!