If you have found yourself stumbling on my blog, the first thing I want you to know is that I have no idea what I’m doing. The second thing I want to share with you, in an attempt to tease out my own narrative from others, is MY story.
After almost 3 decades of dissociation, I am exhausted.
It’s not a matter of whether or not I want to be the “bubbly, outgoing” Mrs. Sunshine anymore.
Because trust me, I do
—that “facet” of me is far more…personable. It’s more cheerful & loveable.
The problem is that no matter how hard I try, I simply CANNOT maintain it any longer. I have lost my ability to dissociate.
I have been “too strong” for “too long”.
It’s ironic, though, because I’ve never felt weaker.
My “functionality” if measured by productivity and performance has plummeted severely, and yet–mental health professionals seem to agree that this is the “best” I’ve been doing in decades.
Why?
Because after decades, I have started to FEEL again.
“In my 40 years of practice,” an esteemed psychiatrist stated, “your case is one of the most compelling and confounding cases I’ve encountered.”
“With the intensity and frequency of traumas that you have experienced, I would expect you to be curled up in a mental health facility for life—probably, on the verge of psychosis.”
To them, “these darker components” of me are completely congruent with the horrific experiences I’ve gone through.
The problem, they declare IS the façade.
That ditzy, bubbly, “happy-go-lucky” persona does not accurately reflect the life I’ve lived; It does not reveal the struggles I face or do justice in celebrating the adversities I’ve overcome.
For so long, I viewed my ability to get everything “done” in a tormenting environment as my greatest strength. Being able to “detach myself from my feelings” has been the key to all my successes.
Or so I thought.
When we cut ourselves off from our “feelings”, we aren’t just blocking out the negative emotions; We, inadvertently, also lock our hearts from experiencing joy, intimacy, love, and connection.
It isn’t normal to get beaten brutally at 5 am, letting myself cry for about 5 minutes, and then forcing myself to shut down and “get my sh*t together”.
I remember walking to the library in the early hours of the morning, completely numb–absolutely oblivious to what had just happened. I studied for a few hours—only to arrive at my 8 am organic chemistry class to ace exam after exam.
It’s as nothing even happened. I didn’t feel pain. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel at all.
I remember noticing the odd glances, the hushed whispers, and the puzzled expressions of my classmates, as I pranced into the auditorium covered in bruises.
At the time, I thought there was something wrong with everyone else. Why were they staring at me?
The day of my final exam was no different. I walked in at 8 am; I recall my professor pulling me aside; I remember studying him curiously as he tried not to glare at the blue-black bruises that were now forming around my eye sockets.
He empathically offered to arrange for me to take the exam another day, however, just like every other time, I resisted his offer. Instead, I marched vehemently to my seat to ace the exam.
& I did. I graduated with summa cum laude; what i didn’t realize was that the cost of those “perfect 4.0’s” would eventually catch up to me.
You see…my professor had seen me throughout the year, pulling off these dissociative stunts nearly every week.
& as the semester continued, his growing suspicions became more and more plausible. It is saddening now as I think about it–
— because I know that he “knew” what was going on. His hands were tied because I denied everything.
Every week, it was a new excuse, “oh I ran into a blunt tree branch because I wasn’t looking”, “I accidentally fell and hit my cheekbones against the console”, “Besides, I have anemia and tend to bruise really easily..”
“It’s really nothing” I said over and over again–until I accidentally started believing it.
In retrospect, I think ANYONE with half a brain probably “knew” what was going on at the time.
The problem was that I had shunned that “half of MY brain” deep into ignorant oblivion.
Recently…I’ve realized I’m doing something similar again.
I’ve been utilizing my social media platforms as a way to convince MYSELF that I’m “okay”.
Maybe if I just manufacture a life that FEELS good on Instagram, I might feel “okay”….
However, the truth is… I am not okay.
I don’t think I’ve ever experienced what “okay” actually feels like…
I haven’t been even close to being “okay” for the last 7 months.
I haven’t driven my car in 7 months because I’m terrified.
I haven’t gone to a single modeling shoot in 7 months.
I haven’t applied to a single casting call in 7 months.
I’ve barely left the house for 7 months.
I haven’t hung out with anyone I consider a friend for 7 months.
I’ve finally crashed.
What I HAVE done in the last 7 months is hide behind my phone –
I’ve wasted countless hours laboring over Instagram algorithms, hashtags, and engagement strategies in an attempt to gain external validation from all of you because I loathe myself.
I dove headfirst into trying to portray a life that “looked good” on the surface because, in my heart of hearts, I felt so hopeless, sad, and repulsed by myself.
— but what I’ve noticed is…
…the more adamant I become about my attempts to “fake it”, the more drained, lost, and depleted I feel at the end of the day.
And the vicious cycle of distracting myself from the self-hatred goes on and on.
The truth is…
that through social media, I was being inauthentic with myself…with God…and with all of you.
& it’s ironic because in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that connection and community are byproducts of authenticity and vulnerability—two things I am fatally afraid of actually practicing.
Despite how much I crave connection and belonging, I haven’t allowed myself to be vulnerable or authentic—in a very long time.
In my adolescent days, when I did practice vulnerability–when I did truly let someone in— I nearly lost my life to their abuse.
However, advanced medicine and meticulously trained doctors helped revive & restore my physical body to health.
But who do you go to help you revive your soul? How do you restore someone’s sense of safety in the world after it’s been taken away?
The truth is…I had stopped “living” long before my heart ever gave out.
I don’t know where to begin my story.
I haven’t come up with a strategy to tell it. There is no rhyme or reason.
& for the first time, there are no angles.
I don’t even know if sharing the ENTIRETY of all the horrific details surrounding these incidents is even helpful to me or you.
I don’t want to trigger you or re-traumatize me.
& these blog posts take a lot out of me.
Honestly, I don’t know much at all right now.
What I DO know is—I have to start somewhere.
I have to start— because I want to live.
I want to connect.
I want to move and be moved by people.
I want to feel like I’m worthy enough to take space in this world.
I want to feel like I’m worthy of being Ayrah’s mother.
I know that I eventually want to use my experiences to help elucidate the hope, resilience, and relentless will to survive that lies dormant within each of us.
How curious it is that the words of a stranger online—some that I’ve never even met—help to feel more understood than some of my closest confidantes.
I posted, authentically, for the first time on Instagram a few days ago—
& the responses I received from you all—your messages glowing with genuine care—
I cant disregard or downplay how much they meant to me.
They bring me to tears even now.
How is it that mere acquaintances and even strangers can communicate such a piercingly deep empathy for another?
And what’s more confounding is that they can do it over an impersonal digital platform.
What a puzzling and powerful world we live in…
So…for those of you who are willing to walk alongside me in this journey…
Please know that it is going to be the furthest thing from perfect; In fact, it’s probably going to be a very messy ride.
I wanted to thank YOU
For caring. For existing. For reaching out.
–for helping me get to a point where I am willing to myself be seen.
If there is one thing I want to make abundantly clear through my blog, it’s this—
The EFFECT that even ONE person, like you, can have on another’s life is immeasurable.
Your responses led me to question the unchallenged abusive & demeaning narratives I’ve been repeating to myself for years.
Because…
WHAT IF those people were wrong?
What if I do share myself openly with you—with the world—and I discover that I AM actually worthy of love and belonging?
What if I hush the voices that tell me that I will be rejected, ostracized, and ridiculed again just long enough to be seen for who I am?
Even though, this may be the scariest endeavor of my life—
What if, to my surprise, I find that the world loves me back just as deeply as I love it?
What if all the “sunshine” I’ve tried to sprinkle in the lives of so many is finally returned to me?
What if I’m not a waste of space? Or a burden to this earth?
What if I’m not “damaged goods” that no one will want after being raped?
And the biggest “What if?”
What if there ISN’T anything inherently wrong with me?
Or even better—
What if there is SO much wrong with me…
— & yet still, I am met with acceptance & love despite my numerous imperfections.
Today, I’m really grateful for a happy and healthy baby! I had a visit to the doctors today. My parents and I wanted to have an OBGYN in my hometown, in addition to one in Louisiana. So, today was my first appointment with the her! During the visit, she wanted to reconduct the anatomy scan for their own personal hospital records.
What is the anatomy scan?
During a level 2 ultrasound, baby will be measured from crown to rump, around her middle, around her head — and that’s just for starters. The four chambers of the heart will be viewed, as well as the kidneys, bladder, stomach, brain, spine and sex organs. A survey of the organs, including the umbilical cord, ensures that they are developing normally (or identifies any potential problems as soon as possible). The sonographer will also be looking at your amniotic fluid levels, the location of the placenta, and the fetal heart rate.
And in alignment with the results of the 20 week scan, everything was purrfect this time around. Baby angel looks great! It was fun to see her, because she’s definitely bigger now, approaching 2 lbs! Alhamdullilah, she is measuring perfectly for her gestational age; her weight and height are on target; her organs are all present and functioning. I am so grateful.
So, I have to share something really humorous about today’s scan with you. Apparently, as we were checking out her spine, my baby gymnast decided to take hold of her leg; she effortlessly moved her leg, parallel above her head and grabbed her foot with her little hands. We were stunned watching this all go down. Then, all of a sudden, she pulled her foot close to her mouth and started to suck on her toes. WHAT THE HECK? The ultrasound tech, my mom and I were in a puddle of laughter. My little warrior princess! So wild and untame already, lol.
he chubby little legs from the bottom; ❤
I’m also really grateful for my run today! I felt so strong, capable and powerful during it. The longer I run, the stronger I feel; I’m really thankful for this experience. I’m also really grateful to my mother-in-law for helping my sweetheart move into our new place. I’m not with my husband right now, so it’s such a huge blessing that he his mother there to support of him through this transition. She is a little angel from heaven!
I’m also really grateful for Zeus, my kitten back at home. Every time I walk into the room, he is sprawled out on my bed just waiting for me! It makes me so happy. I’m pretty sure he can hear my baby girl’s heartbeat because at night, he’ll sleep with his head tucked in near my belly, gently kneading it through the blanket. It’s the cutest thing! I’m convinced animals have the keenest intuition.
03/09/2016
Today, I am so grateful to return to this practice! It has been a hectic week. My husband and I have been busy with moving into our new place, and now, we are finally settled in! We got the last of our stuff moved out, and just handed in the keys to our old apartment today. It really is a bittersweet transition. Our new place is so much bigger, and so beautiful. I’m really grateful for that. My eyes literally lit up when I saw it—especially when I saw Ayrah’s room-to-be, and it’s beautiful pink color. My heart was so full upon seeing it; it becomes flooded with unexplainable love when I step into it again and again. My sweet baby girl. I love her so much already.
I’m so thankful that she’s going to be in my arms soon iA. Can you believe my second trimester is almost over? I’m 1 week away from finishing it! Then, the real wait begins. I can’t wait to feel her sweet kicks against my hands instead of just my belly. I can’t wait to kiss her, embrace her, and wrap her in my arms. I would do anything for her now, and from what I’ve heard, that love just keeps growing exponentially as they come into our lives, and grow older. I’m so excited.
I’ve heard lots of people say that life is never the same after you have a child. Can I just say how thrilled I am that if is the case? Though, it’s a life I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, I don’t want my life to be just about me, my husband and my cats anymore. My little world is so ready to expand and accommodate another being into it. I realize that motherhood is going to come with challenges, and on some days, I am truly fearful of these challenges. Most days now, however, I am just thankful and eager to meet her.
Transitions are always difficult—marriage, moving out, transitioning into parenthood. There is an inevitable tinge of death in them; the beginning of one chapter is always marked by the end of another. Birth and death are like Siamese twins that cannot be separated; when one is around, you know the other one is lingering just around the corner. But, as saddening as it is to let go of one time period, it is equally as exciting and joy-provoking to begin another one! I know that the birth of my daughter is going to infuse my life with a newfound meaning and another purpose. Above all, I’m really excited to experience myself as a mother.
Isn’t that what life is all about? Adding new layers of experience that enrich our very being? I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve already accumulated. I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing myself as a big sister, a sister-in-law, a daughter, a wife, a student, a friend, a lover, a teacher, a student. And now, I’ll get to experience myself as a mother. I am really eager to learn about the new layers of myself that I know motherhood will reveal. So yes, transitions are hard, but in all honesty, I’m harder! I have done and can do really challenging things; I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I am willing to expend the energy and time it takes to become an effective mother. I am thankful for this devotion within my heart, and so grateful that God has infused excitement and love for my baby girl in it.
I’m also beyond grateful that we’ve had company in our new home. Our friends and family visiting has definitely made this unfamiliar beautiful edifice feel more like home. The minute they leave our house, I want to grab them and pull them back in. There’s just such a serene happiness that comes with hearing muted voices, echoes and laughs from different corners of the house. It makes me so happy knowing that people are just there!
I’m also really grateful for the ability to run when I’m starting my 7th month into my pregnancy! I’ve had to make adjustments, certainly–the biggest one being that I do not enjoy running outdoors as much as I had before; it hurts my joints! BUT…I can still run for an hr+ without having to slow down on the treadmill. So as always, the ability to move my body is not being taken for granted at all. I really do take time to appreciate how blessed I am to be able to move my body; I know many who are robbed of this precious gift early on in life.
03/10/2o16
You guys! I think God is going to hold true on His part in giving me the gift that I asked for at the beginning of this pregnancy. I remember, just 6 weeks in, I requested from him a very special gift–the ability to continue to run. As the second trimester comes to a close, I’ve noticed that I’m still able to run a an 8K, 5-6 days of the week! The best part is that I still enjoy running throughout my pregnancy. So, thank you God! Your mercy and bounty melts my heart!
Running and physical activity have been such empowering, feel-good constants in my life, so it it’s such a blessing to be able to hold onto them during pregnancy. Pregnancy is marked with so many changes and fluctuations, so it really is a miracle to have anything that remains steady. Speaking of changes, I can’t believe that I am nearing the end of my second trimester! Ahh! This is my last week of the 6th month! Where is the time going by? Alhamdullilah, though, I am grateful that I have been able to feel, more or less, like myself throughout this experience. I’ve got to say that overall, my pregnancy has been pretty darn good. I may gripe about portions of it sometimes, but that’s just me being human and aimlessly trying to magnify the “black spot” on the white dress. I can say with full certainty that in the future, I am going to look back on this time and be grateful that it was a beautiful and comfortable experience.
Ah. I genuinely hope that my pregnancy experience will offer hope to tense hearts that are contemplating motherhood. Though the journey is so variable and depends on woman-to-woman, I can testify that my pregnancy has left me feeling physically stronger, more energized and capable. I think the weight gain paired with my consistent training has resulted in a lot of my “pregnancy weight” to be muscle. These gains, in turn, have transformed my body into a platform for new feats and personal records.
Throughout the pregnancy transitions, I’ve really had to remind myself: “gaining weight is not the same thing as gaining fat.”
Through discipline and self-regimented behavior, I’ve really been proactive about making my pregnancy a comfortable and healthy transition for myself and for my baby. I remember finding out I was pregnant, and being absolutely terrified of the changes that awaited me.
“But my body is going to blow up uncontrollably, and the cravings are going to be these demonic monsters that will forcefully cause me to devour large quantities of unhealthy foods. What’s worse is that this is going to cause so many muscle aches, relentless inflammation and edema and I won’t be able to even move—much less run.”
Now that I’m closing off my second trimester, I can say that I’m really thankful that NONE of my incessant fears actually manifested themselves into reality.
I think our perception of pregnancy is shaped so much by what society tells us. But,listen up. Because I’M here to tell you is that yes, there is a bit of truth to the societal messages, BUT there is ONLY about a miniscule grain of truth in there. Yes, you do gain weight. Yes, your belly grows. Yes, there are changes. You are pregnant after all. But these changes are not as uncontrollable and sporadic as I had imagined them to be. I’m really thankful that I’ve gained a healthy amount of weight, and that my baby girl is growing beautifully; at the same time, however, I can honesty say that I have been rigid in my discipline to stay physically active [so that a lot of that added weight can be muscle].
So what about these crazy preggers cravings? In my experience, the cravings are certainly noticeable and do arise. However, they are not dementors from Harry Potter, rattling your soul until you give into them. Ultimately, YOU have the final say over whether to give into the craving or not. It boils down to your ability to maintain a precarious balance between sometimes “giving in” and other times, “steering clear.”
If there is one thing I want you to take out of my pregnancy experience–it is this. Pregnancy is not a disease or a disability. So move.
As far as not being able to move during pregnancy, unless there is a medical reason for a mother not to be physically active, I highly advocate for and recommend physical activity to EVERYONE. It has helped so much in warding off the common aches and pains of pregnancy. It’s done wonders to counteract the effects of the horomone, relaxin (which in preparation for birth, causes all your ligaments to become more lax than usual). It’s actually really fun because I can get away with not stretching as thoroughly because my pregnant body is more likely to assume the “wet noodle-like” flexible disposition. Thank god, I haven’t had any edema; I think that’s largely due to the fact that I’m so physically active. My lower extremeties only get achey when I’m completely at rest or standing still for a long period of time. Counterintuitively, my limbs feel SO much better WITH movement and activity.***so I just realized that this this ended up being a long rant on my pregnancy, but hey! I deserve it! I’ve been growing a human being for 6 months! Eeeep ❤
All in all, the essence of what I was getting at is still related to the gratitude practice. I am really grateful for the fact that my pregnancy experience, thus far, has been a comfortable, steady and smooth one. It’s definitely been marked with changes, but these changes have happened gradually, instilling a sense of safety and stability. I don’t feel out-of-control, helpless or disempowered. On most days, I recognize what a blessing that is. I’d also like to take a moment to express and really FEEL how deeply thankful I am that our fears are not always true. It isn’t always the worst case scenario. The endless horrific “what-if” situations are minds create are usually just mere figments of our imagination. None of the fears I been anxious about have come true.
I’m also thankful for myself, because I acknowledge the central role I’ve had in this; from the beginning, I was proactive in making sure that I was doing everything I could do to set myself up for a comfortable, relaxing pregnancy. I did what I had to do then, and have done what I needed to do every single passing day. Now, I can tell you that my dedication has manifested itself into a pregnancy experience that has felt safe, smooth, and steady for me. A mom who feels strong and safe is inadvertently in a better position to provide those things for her child. I’m thankful for the consistency and dedication that I’ve demonstrated to myself throughout this process; I know that my work ethic and tenacity are CENTRAL reasons why my experience ended up being the one I desired. Pregnancy has taught me that I’m stronger than I knew, both mentally and physically. I am so grateful that I have some power in dictating my future.
03/11/2016
Well, first of all, I’m so grateful to be safe today. There has been some torrential rainfall in Louisiana, and frankly, I am terrified of lightening and thunderstorms. Lol, I spent most of the night keeping my poor husband awake because each time it would thunder, I would jump and crawl under the sheets. Thank God, I’m blessed to have a partner that is patient enough wrap me in his soothing embrace just to let me know that everything is going to be okay—even if it is for the 1000th time that night.
I’m grateful for our new home; I do have to say that it still seems unfamiliar. In it, I feel like a cat who doesn’t have her scent over the belongings just yet! But regardless, the house is beautiful. It’s so much bigger than our old apartment! With each passing day, I am starting to get acquainted with this place too. I’m beginning to recognize its unique creeks and sounds, and with it, I’m beginning to honor the the living breathing energy of this place.
I’m also really grateful for being able to move my body, today (as always). I was reminiscing about my earlier pregnancy days and how terrified I felt that something was going to happen to make it to where I wouldn’t be able to remain physically active. To be honest, physical activity has been such an outlet of stress, toxic energy and negative thoughts for me. God provides different routes for His people to heal and sustain themselves, and I really think that my body and mind heal in the act of movement. That, and reading/listening to books about other people’s journeys and what they’ve learned in life is most healing to me.
With exercise, I build a platform that carries over into the rest of my life. It is a place for me to test my own boundaries, shatter my previous limitations, and feel empowered, capable and STRONG.
So often, I walk away from a trying workout thinking: “I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it.”
Speaking of books earlier, I heard this amazing little audible book and it really uplifted my moods and put me in a better spirit. I’m very grateful for its lesson on self-love.
I highly recommend this book to everyone who desires greater self-compassion, and an increased ability to forgive oneself. Though the book in itself is only a two-hour read (or listen), it is absolutely phenomenoal. The messages that it presents are clear, straight-to-the-point, and have a way of penetrating through your heart! This book is all about valuing yourself and treating yourself as if you were one of the most valuable blessings in your own life (which you really are!). I know that I personally struggle with the “nice girl phenomenon.” I get stuck in a whirlwind of trying to please everyone, so much so that I often end up neglecting my own intuitive inner calling. I’m guilty of being truly neglectful in taking care of my needs. Sometimes, all I want to do is feel safe, and I know exactly the things to do to help create that atmosphere of safety, but if I realize that some other person has a competing demand, I’ll neglect my inner calling to satisfy their requests. Since time is limited, this leaves me empty, drained and too tired to attend to myself later on.
This book helped remind me of my own inherent worth, and the fact that I deserve just as much kindness, love and concnern as any other creature of the universe. The book also helps provide a nifty little toolbox of techniques to utilize in making sure that adequate love is being directed to my innermost self. I’m so thankful for the wise, direct, and honest testament of Kamal Ravikant. I really admire and honor the courage within his heart; it takes immense bravery to share filtered, raw experiences that are so personal. It is because of people like him, practicing such bravery, that make it to where their message so accessible to the rest of us.
03/12/2016
Today, I’m really grateful for rest. I feel like with the moving in process, and our respective careers/education, my husband and I have been consistently on the go. Today, we finally got a chance to have a low-key day/night where we simply enjoyed the company of one another. We spent most of the morning watching Netflix and slipping in and out of sleep. There is something so soothing and glorious about just being wrapped up in my husband’s embrace. Those two limbs may just seem like ordinary limbs to you, but to me—they are absolutely magical. His arms are my home.
I’m also grateful for my cats. You know, humans have this really pestering habit of fearing the future or overanalyzing the past; animals, on the other hand, seem to only live in the present moment. It doesn’t matter if it’s only been an hour since the last time they saw you. When their beady little eyes lay their sight on you, they are just as hopelessly excited that you’re there, as they were the very first time around. They are magical little creatures; magical little angels that encourage us by bringing us back into the present moment with them! I’m so grateful for their sweet, kind presence in my home.
I’m also really grateful for my physical capacity, even this late in the pregnancy. This is a huge relief to me, and to my soul. I’m also very grateful that God has used physical activity as a means to infuse strength, hope and empowerment into my body and soul; all of these qualities help compound my faith, thereby enabling me to become a better person to myself and to others.
I’m also truly grateful for my cousin, Shuji, recovering from Ewing’s Sarcoma. I think today, he is going in for his last round of chemotherapy, post-operation; I have a feeling that this will be the last time he has to cross paths with cancer again. I mean, even cancer would be ashamed to come back after such a brutal annihilation, not once, but TWICE by the same man! I derive so much strength from my cousin’s journey. Every time I feel too “lazy” or too “burned out” to go use the capable and healthy body/mind I have been gifted with, I remember that my cousin has to sometimes, spend weeks in the hospital at a time receiving treatment. Wouldn’t he much rather be out there, doing what people do in their 20s? Wouldn’t he rather be out there playing sports, partaking in physical activity, utilizing his limbs to experience just as much displaced enjoyment in the world?
03/14/2016
Ah! A new beautiful day! You know what I’ve been really grateful for? This practice. It’s been about 21 days of my writing in the gratitude journals and I’d like to take the time to reflect on my journey. Doing the gratitude practice has really taught me to actively seek out the little miracles in life. I’ve found that looking for these small magical things is analogous to the childhood story, “Hansel and Gretel.” The good things in life are like the breadcrumbs that we leave behind, as we go on through our days, busily pursuing our goals.
leaving gratitude breadcrumbs behind…
It is only in revisiting the trail (or our days), and in retrospect that we can truly detect the value of each breadcrumb that we left behind. Together, these miniscule moments of gratitude are sprinkled far and frequently enough to make our entire day! This brings me to another point about this practice. I’ve learned that I have to be intentional in practicing gratitude. Before the start of my practice, my level of gratefulness towards the universe depended on external events (ie; if I have a “good day”, I’m grateful. If I have a “bad day”, I’m ungrateful). What this practice has taught me is that gratitude is an intentional practice. We have to CHOOSE to find the good things amongst the bad—and this can be done on even the most trying days. If we spend enough time maneuvering through the dirt of a hard day, we will find some speckles of glitter amidst our experience.
This goes hand in hand with one of the Buddhist teachings that I really love—the concept of yin-yang.
The truth of this teaching was demonstrated through my own gratitude practice. If I looked hard enough, there was always something “good” amongst the bad. Likewise, if I looked at days that I monotonously painted with the overtone of “good”, there were some glaring “not-so-good” parts about them too. Suffering is always there, but the mercy of God (or the universe, or laws of nature) is that the nature of suffering is that it is always interrupted. Nothing is all bad, 100% of time; no challenge is felt at its 100% maximum intensity threshold forever. Suffering is layered with moments of joy, and joy is layered with moments of vulnerability and suffering. The gratitude practice helped refortify and reaffirm this truth about life. I am grateful for this relieving reminder. I don’t have to take every little challenge so seriously because it is all temporary. Suffering is temporary. Joy is temporary. The feelings brought upon by each sentiment are temporary. This too shall pass.
I’m also really grateful for a better picture of my priorities. Doing this practice repetitively highlighted the patterns in my life; it effectively illuminated the blessings that I feel most grateful for in my life. Upon re-reading my entries, I’ve realized that there are glaring, unifying themes in regards to what I feel most grateful for. This helped me to see “what’s working” or “what’s going right” in my life. It gently showed me that my relationship with my husband, interpersonal connection with family, my physical ability to move, the omnipotent presence of God, and my coming baby girl are all blessings that I appear to be repetitively grateful for. I also discovered that I really desire and crave to expand my boundaries, whether it be in terms of knowledge or physical capacity. I like setting precarious limitations, only to see myself shatter them. The resilient human spirit is really inspirational and awe-inspiring to me.
In summary, however, the biggest lesson that I have acquired through the gratitude practice is this:
Happiness is a choice.
It is not just a magical predicament you fall into on certain random days. Yes, some days, it is easier to make the choice to be happy, but it IS a choice, nontheless. If I really wanted to, I could try to be crabby even on the most blessed, happy of days. Happiness is a choice—it is a choice that is not nearly as dependent on our specific circumstances, but rather on our perception of them. The mind is a very capable tool; it is excellent at using its faculties to magnify/minimize certain aspects of the same day. If I make the intention to be happy, I CAN be happy—regardless of what I accomplish/don’t accomplish that day, regardless of whether it rains or whether there’s sunshine, regardless of whether my husband and I are engaging in an itty bitty hissy fit committee, or if things are purrfect.
The conditions don’t have to be “just right”. Instead, I can utilize creativity in every moment to try to do the things that I love, and therefore, try to optimize happiness. For example, if I can’t get the motivation to get up and go to the gym, I could utilize flexibility and literally do a workout in the comfort of my own home. I have so many materials that would allow me to do that. If things are feeling tense with my husband in one aspect, I can try to create a soothing and comforting environment in a myriad other ways. There is not just ONE way to happiness. That is profound and relieving; I’d like to leave the entry on this note.
Happiness is always “creatable.” Sometimes, when we have all the necessary parts available to us, it is easier to create. Other times, when some of those tools (like motivation, determination, passion, inspiration, love) are lacking, it is a little harder to create—but not impossible.
We have the amazing freedom to achieve happiness by creatively approaching our predicaments in flexible ways. We don’t have to change the destination, but we also don’t have to be rigid in our approach; if we want happiness, we can create it. Sometimes, we just need to be willing to consider that there is always more than one way to create it. Flexibility in approach and resolute in destination.
❤ Thank YOU for coming along with me on my 21-day journey to gratitude ❤
I love you all and I will definitely be filling up my blog with nifty new things soon!
Ah! I missed a few days of the gratitude practice. But it’s okay! Missing these days has reminded me to rediscover the value in imperfection! Simultaneously, however, I am grateful for the ability to pick up right where I left off. All in all, missing two days was a very humbling experience. It reminded me that I am imperfect. It’s quite easy to get caught up in the trap of “perfection” and feel like we must upkeep routines to-a-tee; we metamorphose into dictators making sure we are relentless in abiding to the routines we create. Consequently, disruptions to our plans, and the inability to carry them out perfectly is a very sobering reminder; perfection is a trait that is unattainable in the human state. This means that I will mess up. I will fall short; I will not be able to be 100%. This is okay, and is in perfect alignment with the nature of how I was created. It is this very imperfection within me that creates the necessary space for God to enter. It is this “falling short” that encourages me to fall back on Him. It is my limited scope that encourages me to search for something Greater. So, I am grateful for the elucidation of my own imperfection.
Today, I’m grateful for the words of author, Matt Fitzgerald. In his book, “How Bad Do You Want It?”, he describes the relationship between endurance, mind and body. Through studying the literature, he found that it is not actual muscle fatigue that slows down athletes or causes them to quit in an event; it is actually the mind. The breakdown of motivation occurs in the brain, not muscle. The experience of fatigue/burn-out does not come about as a result of pushing the body to limits of exhaustion. In fact, extensive testing has demonstrated that athletes who claim fatigue can almost always do more at the muscular level. So why did they stop?
Because of the self-imposed limitations their minds created.
“Science has only recently recognized that endurance performance is fundamentally psychological. When we say someone has ‘endured something’, what do we mean? we mean that the person has gone through a challenging experience. . It’s the experience, not the biological fatigue that must be endured. Endurance athletes by definition endure. They endure long hours of training, deprivations that come with a monastic lifestyle, and all manners of aches and pains. But what endurance athletes must endure ABOVE ALL is not actual effort, but perception of effort. This is the phrase that scientists now use to refer to what athletes normally describe as how hard exercise feels in a given moment. And it represents the central concept of the psychobiological model of endurance performance. It was perceived effort that causes the endurance athlete to slow down and even quit. The most important truth you can know as an endurance at athlete is this: one cannot improve as an endurance athlete except by changing one’s relationship with perception of effort. Perceived effort is essentially the body’s resistance to the mind’s will. The fitter an athlete becomes, the less resistance the body puts up Even something as seemingly physical as training conforms to this principle.”
Matt Fitzgerald, “How Bad Do You Want It?”
I’m particularly thankful for this excerpt. I really admired and resonated with his description of an endurance athlete. Endurance athletes are people who endure difficult things. If running, or working out during pregnancy was easy, then everyone would be doing it. There are certainly challenges in the path, for all of us. However, we can choose to become our version of endurance athletes, in whatever challenges we are facing. We can choose to face, bear, and cope with any change with grace and dignity. It was because of Fitzgerald’s description of an endurance athlete, combined with the discovery that the mind’s perception of effort is different than the actual exhaustion, that led me to muster up the courage to run outside again.To be completely raw, running outside has been a tough experience for me; it is the one area in which I am starting to see the glaring effects of pregnancy. Prior to me falling pregnant, running on concrete or asphalt felt relatively effortless; I was carrying less weight, and my muscles and body were able to handle the physiolgoical pressures quite effectively. Now, I easily get winded, feel tired, and am undeniably slower in my pace. As a result, running outside doesn’t “feel” as good as it used to; this causes me to shy away from the passion.
Today, however, I told myself that just because my brain doesn’t perceive it “as feeling good” doesn’t mean that the experience is not actually just as good for me. Just because my brain readily perceives and accepts the “I can’t do it!” mentality doesn’t mean I actually won’t be able to do it. And so…just like that, I put on my running shoes and RAN outdoors. Every time self-limiting thoughts would arise in my run, I gently returned to the words of Matt Fitzgerald. “I’m not actually exhausted or fatigued at the muscular level,” I repeated to myself, “my mind’s perception of effort is skewed; In reality, I can keep going for much longer.” And I did.
In no way am I saying that the run today was glorious and fatigue-free. I felt winded; I felt tired; my muscles felt sore; I was slower. Running outside while I’m 6.5 months pregnant is certainly not as much of a breeze as it were pre-pregnancy. But you know what? I was able to do it! I was able to get out there and prove just what Fitzgerald was talking about. So many times, I would get a leg cramp or random ache and register it as: “exhaustion approaching—need to stop.” But really, as I kept running past that feeling, the perception of feeling it necessary to stop faltered away. I was able to keep going, proving that true exhaustion was far away. My protective mind was simply trying to convince me that I was exhausted in an attempt to conserve energy.
You guys, I’m so thankful that my brain is not always right. And above that, I’m grateful that you and I can choose to be endurance athletes in our own lives. Whether it be in sports or life challenges, we can choose to have the mindset and resilience of an endurance champion! I’m blessed that I have so many experiences in my memory bank that attest to the fact that I can endure really trying challenges–that I can endure. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. My mental limits are not my actual limits. Thank God for that!
02/25/2016
Today, I am so grateful for the encouragement and support I’ve been receiving from strangers for my fitness endeavors during pregnancy.
Really, never underestimate the value of a kind gesture. Sometimes, when I’m running outside and wearing a “baby on board” or “this girl is going to be a mommy” shirt, I’ll get random honks of encouragement; the people passing me by on the running trail will give me thumbs up signs and beaming smiles! Of course, this just results in me beaming a pearly right back! I’m truly grateful for these uplifting gestures; There’s also been people at the gym who have actually come up to me and vocalized how proud they are of my discipline and physical work ethic during pregnancy. It really is little things like that that leave my day a little more brighter! I’m immensely grateful for the support, but above that, I’m grateful for the ability to keep physically active during my pregnancy! I realize that it is a blessing and a gift that is not granted to all. Being able to move our bodies is a gift even outside of pregnancy! There’s many people who can’t walk to the mailbox to get their mail, much less go for a walk or run because of debilitating health issues.
On another note, I think I finally targeted why I’ve been feeling slightly under the weather for a few days! I’m thankful for this realization, because it allows me the opportunity to take action. My stomach has been very sensitive recently, and I think it is because of the spices and tomoato-based curries in Indian cuisine. When I’m living with my husband, I don’t eat too much Indian food but since visiting my family, I have definitely been consuming more spices! I think these spices, alongside the tomato-based curries are the culprit. So starting tomorrow, I think I’m going to return to basic, bland(ier) foods like alkaline fruits, egg whites, vegetables and complex carbs. I’m hopeful that this shift will allow my upset stomach to settle down! We’ll see! *Check Back: IT DID HELP!*
Me after eating the delicious, but spicy home-made curries
You know what I’m really grateful for? Recently, I feel like I’ve had this shift in attitude when it comes to doing demanding tasks. If there’s an undesirable task that I simply don’t feel like doing, I realize that I can still do it. My ability to conduct the task is irrelevant on my feelings towards it! I’ve realized that a cooperative mind is beneficial but NOT necessary in doing tough things! The mind is simply ONE part of the mind-body-spirit trifecta. The body and spirit don’t really care if the mind is motivated, the results are the same with or without its endless chatter. Sure, when it’s bursting with supportive, positive, and encouraging energy, it certainly makes the task feel easier. But the raw completion of the task is not entirely dependent on it. THANK GOD! Recently, when my brain puts up resistance to certain tasks, I’ve been repeating the following phrase: “sweet mind, it would be nice for you to show up, but it’s not required.” Then, I’ll do the task anyway! And you know what? So far, it’s gotten done 100% of the times, with or without the mental motivation. I’m truly grateful for this little pearl of knowledge; I know I will be able to utilize it endlessly in the future!
I’m also really thankful for being able to see little baby daughter today. I had an ultrasound done (perks of having a radiologist as a dad!) Oh,and seeing her was marvelous. She was beautiful. My sweet girl with her long legs, hiccups and her silly antics. Do you want to know something funny? The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted any pictures of her, and the only picture I requested was of her ankles and legs. Do you know why? For the last few ultrasounds, we have always found her slightly crossed at the ankles while the rest of her legs remain slightly open. Faraz, my husband, always holds his legs that way!!! It makes me giggle when I see her like that persistently! Like father, like daughter.
Legs outstretched, and feet crossed at ankles just like her daddy.
My sweet baby girl is so beautiful to me; I love her so much already. Her expressive little kicks, and delicious little movements make my heart so full. I love that she makes her existence known. This quote by Paul Eluard really captures how I feel about my lovely daughter. Every time I see her or feel her subtly kick, I remember this.
Translation: “I hear your voice in all of the world’s noise.”
And mommy will always be listening for you, my love.
02/26/2016
I woke up in quite a vulnerable mood today. Again, vulnerability is not necessarily a “bad” emotion. It’s just that I feel highly connected today; I feel as if I’m intricately in tune to the frequencies within me and around me. I do have to say, however, there is an undeniable tinge of sadness to the emotion of vulnerability. It’s not even so much grief, or lethargy, but more sensitivity—an ability to hurt with the world. I’m highly feely today. There is an undeniable softness that accompanies vulnerability; it has to. It would be impossible to have a iron-clad interior and simultaneously be able to connect with others. So, I’m thankful for this vulnerability. It reminds me of our very fragile human condition; it reminds me of the inherent vulnerability of our very existence. We are always in the process of letting go, and losing certain aspects of our lives. As we grow, we consistently shed layers of ourselves to accumulate new and improved versions of ourselves. We continue to this process till we eventually come to pass. There is a tinge of sadness to this inevitability, right?
Today, I’m actually really grateful for something good that happened yesterday night. The reason I am talking about it today is because the good vibes created from that experience are seeping into today (aA). Everytime I return home, my sister and I will have a pampering session. We grab our favorite bath balms from Lush, fill up the tub with soothing hot water, put on our swim suits, and just lay on each end of the tub, and talk about everything in between life and death. Today, we put the intergalactic bath balm in the water and watched in wonder, like little kids, as it burst into a peacock-colored glittery frenzy in the water! Ah. It was pure joy.
As we sat in our glittering goddess bath tub, we laughed till our stomachs hurt— about how random teas from Starbucks remind us of the smell of our cats! We discussed the things that we are afraid of losing in life, and how we are coping with the changes that are coming along. We added to our collection of cat memes, discussed the most ridiculous child raising strategies, listened to our favorite songs, (with our own renditions of it of course) MERSALICIOUS lol. but most of all—we thanked each other as we arrived to the same familiar conclusion. Once more, we come to the humbling realization that we are so blessed in our sisterhood bond. There are so many sisters who don’t get along—who have their relationships tinged with the bitterness of jealousy, competition and comparison. But aA, by God’s grace, we were spared from that trial. No matter how long it has been since I’ve seen her, every time we get together, we end up acknowledging how special our bond is, in so many words. I know that it is the one thing that we both want to withstand the test of time. Alhamdullilah for the best sister. She is my best friend!
Today, I also want to discuss something that I feel is a delicately subtle blessing bestowed upon all of us—the blessing of choice.
I am so grateful for it. Regardless of whatever happens to us, we can choose how we react to it. Today, I was talking with two people about a similar catastrophe that befell them; their attitudes about their lives, the event, and its lingering effects couldn’t be more starkly different! One person was very lethargic, and looked upon her life with a jaded bitter regret. The other, however, seemed to have discovered greater meaning to her life through the suffering; she found purpose to it. She looked back upon it as a life lesson, a necessary stepping stone, claiming that the experience has made her into the wholehearted, happy-go-lucky person that she is today.
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
02/27/2016
😦 Sigh 😦
Today was…trying. This probably isn’t going to start off as an expected entry from a gratitude journal, but if you bear with me, I promise I’ll get around to the silver lining. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently; my husband and I are in the middle of a move; we have a daughter on the way; there’s been changes in my career path, my visiting back and forth between family and living with my husband; let’s not forget the plethora of changes pregnancy brings about. My body is changing; my ability to do/not do certain things is changing; my hormones are fluctuating. Everything seems to be at the whims of change.
I think the reality of these compounded changes really hit me today. I’m not even going to lie, I think I had a borderline anxiety attack. You know, certain things are never going to be the same again. Having a baby means that the thought “me and Faraz” will rarely cross my mind again. It will always always be my daughter, me and my husband. Things that have semed so effortless, like going to the gym, or going on late night grocery runs are going to have to undergo some creative adjustments; I mean, let’s be real…there’s only so much “spontaneity” you can have in your life, when you have to plan 15 minutes in advance to strap in a carseat, dress your tot for the temperature outside, and pack a bag for their unanticipated accidents.
Another thing that has been scaring me about being a mother is the essence of this experience; on a level, my daughter is going to be my replacement generation. And though she was a thoroughly planned, and long anticipated child, that truth is just scary to think about. Her coming highlights the fact we are no longer going to be the “kids” anymore. This realization really highlights the fact that we are aging, and that time seems to be flying away. I have an inkling that once she’s born, time is going to speed up even more. She will grow up right before my eyes, and before I know it, we’ll be planning for another baby, and then boom! I’m the soccer mom and Faraz is a little league coach. I wish there was a way to hit the pause button, and just process everything for a second.
The fact that we are moving into a bigger place in March is also layering on the change. You guys, we’re letting go of the apartment that we’ve had since the beginning of our marriage. That was mine and faraz’s first residence together. The place is full of remnants and memories of our earliest years; it was the place that witnessed the evolution of us fighting relentlessly with each other to fighting relentlessly to be with each other. There are countless memories at every nook and turn. To think that I won’t be able to walk back into a place I’ve called home for nearly half a decade blows my mind.
All in all, these changes are certainly inciting some fear in my restless spirit. I’m grateful, however, that there is always a flipside to the frightening aspects of the process; the other side of fear is excitement. This move, and the arrival of the baby characterizes an exciting, new times in my life. Yes, it will no longer be just me and Faraz, but perhaps, having another being to think about will be fulfilling and leave me wholehearted. I am so grateful for having five beautiful years of just me and my husband. I think that time gave us the opportunity to thoroughly get to know one another, not just as partners, but as people. We became acquainted with each other’s hopes and dreams, fears and aspirations; now, I find us in a place, where we foster a deep appreciation for the other person’s individual presence, not just their role as a partner.
It is also exciting to consider that we’re getting a bigger place that puts us in a better location to get to school/work more easily. I’m looking forward to building new memories there. I think, in retrospect, I’ll appreciate the move at this time, because it will mark the arrival of my daughter. Faraz & I created beautiful memories in the apartment together…just the two of us., However, this new place will become the canvas for painting new memories with the three of us…our daughter!
Our daughter’s room in the new place
Times of change make me really grateful that “home” is a feeling and not a place. We can let go of the material things and still have the sensation of home. I’m utterly grateful that the sensation of belonging arises from the people, experiences and interactions we have in our life. “Home” is being embraced into my husband’s loving arms after a hard day. “Home” is seeing my cat’s fluffy orange tail twitch with excitement when he sees me. “Home” is the feeling I get when I dance around to “I like to move it, move it” with all the creatures of the house. “Home” is sprawling out on the ground, writing in diaries, with the aroma of vanilla-smelling candles filling up the room. Home is NOT a place. It is a feeling. And I’m so grateful that I am taking all the elements that help infuse that life and meaning into my world with me. My husband, my cats, and our memories will be left untouched.
Though I understand (and certainly feel) that change is scary, I’m really grateful that the changes we are undergoing are not ones that are catastrophic or traumatic. They are not changes brought upon by a natural disaster, an onset of a sudden illness, or the destruction of a dream. They take on the category of transitional changes, as opposed to catastrophic changes. This makes me so utterly grateful. I’m so happy we are all safe and sound; we are in good health, and that we are gifted with the BLESSING of a new addition to the family. These transitions are beautiful, necessary and normal in the process of life. I’m also very thankful that I get to hold onto my anchor, my husband, (and him, me) throughout these transitory changes. It’s like carrying around my blanket of stability, familiarity, and safety with me; the soothing effect of knowing that he will be there, and that my family and his family will be there is a truly comforting and cooling breeze over my restless heart.
Lastly, I am shockingly thankful for panic, and overwhelming anxiety. I know that while they are affecting me, I feel crippled, frozen and like I’m stuck and suffocating. But…if I practice adequate courage, and allow these feelings to move within me, they create space for acceptance and serenity. Despite the variability in stimuli that may trigger a fearful response, there is an undeniable predictability in accepting and letting these feelings move through us; once we do, we feel lighter, better, and more hopeful—even if our situations haven’t changed much. I’m grateful for this ability to regulate internal homeostasis; I’m grateful that I can choose to have my peace, regardless of what circumstance befalls me.
02/28/2016
I’m so grateful for loving parents. They could tell I had a rough day yesterday, and they’ve done everything in their power to make me feel better. And you know what? They’ve succeeded. Thank God for people that care about me so deeply—the people that know that when I push them away, all I’m really wanting is to see if they care enough to push back.
I’m grateful for the familiar sun rising, beautifully marking the opportunity for a new beginning. With the rise of the sun, I realize that yesterday is now gone and that today is an absolutely new day. I can make of it as I will. It was really symbolic because I awoke with the sun shining on my face, letting me know that lightness had returned; I am once more restored to a world full of endless possibilities.
This really makes me realize the mercy of God. You may think of Him as Jesus, Buddha, nature, the universal laws, or whatever higher power you believe in. (I just happen to call him “Allah”). I’m really thankful for His mercy. The fact that today, I am feeling so much better than I was yesterday really highlights the fact that suffering is not uninterrupted. The course of one day, or even one hour does not accurately predict the course of the next day or the next hour. Things can turn up; there is always some element of “good” even in the worst days. For example, everything could be going array in a day but simply entering a store, being welcomed by a gust of cool air-conditioned air on a scalding hot day is something miniscule and “good”. day It makes it to where there is an undeniable interruption in the “badness” of events. I’m so thankful for this. Suffering never comes to us in an UNINTERRUPTED, continuous manner. Whether it be a colorful bird flying by, the sun shining on cold toes, a smile from a stranger, a convenient vacant parking space, or a warm bed to sleep in—there is always a “feel-good” interruption. I interpret the presence of these little miracles as extensions of mercy from God.
I’m also really thankful for the body’s ability to adapt. Today, I went into the gym and every part of me felt so sore from my strength training workout from Friday. They say that oftentimes, a cardiovascular workout is just what you need to get sore muscles feeling better. As I got on the elliptical, no part of me wanted to move; however, as the workout progressed, my muscles began to feel better! I think the improved circulation helped move along the accumulated lactic acid, my legs started to feel less sore. I’m really grateful for this and for the human body’s ability to adapt. I know I often gripe about change, but in small moments like this, I realize how utterly grateful I am that things don’t remain the same. I’m truly grateful for change. Without it, we would become stagnant, dry, and brittle; at its essence, we would be dead. And I don’t want to be dead while I’m alive. For as long as I live, I want to exude vivacious life energy.
I am so so thankful that my cousin’s surgery was successful! It went even better than the medical team had predicted. His chemotherapy had helped shrink the tumor to a miniscule amount, so it was quite easy to remove; the surgeons didn’t have to become too invasive and his diaphragm was left untouched! Consequently, the procedure was short and afterwards, Shuji was transferred directly to a hospital room. Yay! He had to spend no time in the ICU! And, guess what? He’s cancer-free!!!!! If that isn’t cause to celebrate, then I don’t know what is!
I’m also feeling particularly thankful for such loving in-laws. I know many people have horror stories about “monster-in-laws”, but by the grace of God, I have been spared from the challenging trial; My in-laws are so sweet, and I really respect, admire and look up to them. I tell my mother-in-law that if I can raise my daughter to be half the person she raised ALL of her children to be, I’ll be pleased. I’m really thankful for the fact that I will be able to seek her advice as I raise my own daughter. I love how much my in-laws, and the entire extended family love me and care about me. I have never felt like they treated me any differently from their own. Even the extended family has accepted me with arms and hearts wide-open; now, I feel as if they are more like my OWN cousins rather than my husband’s. I am grateful that we live in proximity to the entire family; this gives me the opportunity to interact with them more often!
You know who my heart is especially grateful for recently? My sister-in-law.
She is literally a ray of sunshine in the family, and in my own life. Through her silly imitations, to her cute little antics, she is consistently making everyone around her laugh and smile. Saman is one of the most caring people I’ve ever met; it’s really rare to find a person who is so balanced in terms of being cognitive, and being sentimental. She is a tigress—she has iron-clad strength and a will that is indomitable, but somehow, there is this undeniable softness about her too. Even though she is younger than me, I look up to her so much! Every time I see her, I’m so thankful for her. She protects, and loves me like I’m her own child.
Speaking of children, there is one aspect of interacting with my sister-in-law that I am so utterly thankful for. I don’t even know if my words will do an equitable job of capturing how grateful I feel about this—I am absolutely in awe of the continual excitement she expresses for her coming niece. I can’t even tell you how excited she is, lol. She is a akin to a cat around catnip every time there is any talk of her precious “niece-to-come!” Even if it’s something as ordinary as normal results from routine blood work, ultrasound images, or just chats about baby clothes…she becomes beyond ENTHUSED! Having that sort of powerful positive energy around me is SO beneficial. On some days, when I feel bloated, sick and irritated with pregnancy changes, I literally bring to mind HER excitement; her eagerness to meet my daughter rubs off on me, and starts to make me really excited once more. On some days, it is solely her pure-hearted joy and love for our daughter that recharges me, and inspires me to keep on persevering.
When my own motherly love gets clouded with the discomforts of the pregnancy process, it is HER love that floods in through my heart and fills in the gaps. My daughter is going to be so lucky to have her as an aunt; to be honest, I’m kinda jealous! 😛 The other day, I was driving home after visiting my in-laws, and I literally turned to my husband and declared: “I have to DELIVER this child safely and soundly for Saman.” Her unwavering joy is such a motivating force for me. The fact that she is so excited for our daughter makes this process so much more appealing for us. Saman, you have always been such a source of joy, but I can’t even tell you how much my love has compounded for you throughout my pregnancy experience.
02/16/2016
To tell you the truth, today was a really rough day. My self-image was distortedly horrible. I felt really terrible about myself, and this only led to me feeling more and more unlovable. What’s more is that when I’m feeling entrenched in the grips of depression, I feel like a burden to those around me. I feel like my sadness might be “contagious” and bring them down , so it becomes really hard for me to seek out support. It becomes hard to let others in, especially those whom I care about the most. I don’t want an ounce of negativity to scathe the ones I love–not even mine. But that’s a double edged sword, because my not reaching out leaves me feeling lonely and and rejected. This feeling of isolation only makes these days more unbearable.
Being the kind, protecting, and caring soul that he is, I know that my husband will want to stay with me and do everything in his power to try to make me feel better. Unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing that he (or anyone else) can do in the immediate future to make it better. You know the kind of days I’m talking about? The only thing that makes these days okay again is time. Much like a virus, we have to sometimes let these emotional disturbances arise, let them take their course, and minimize the lingering effects they leave behind. At the same time, however, I recognize and appreciate how blessed I am that there are people in my life that WANT to help so eagerly. Today, I am grateful for the support that I always have available (regardless of my receptivity to it). I realize that it is such a huge blessing, and I feel so humbled that there is someone out there who is trying to help, even though I’m sure it is much easier to let the storm pass, and return when things are brighter!
On days like today, I can see why the gratitude practice is so necessary. Today, I am finding that I’m more thankful for what didn’t absolutely go wrong, rather than all the wonderful things that happened. So, I’m thankful for time, and the fact that it is always passing; this makes it to where even the worst days can only last for a maximum of 24 hours. I’m thankful that I wasn’t hurt physically today, and that my health is still unimpaired; I am thankful for my limbs that allowed me to work out, and my mind that really shone through with its unwavering work ethic and discipline, (because trust me, what I really wanted to do was just lay in bed and mope all day). I am thankful for my family and friends, and their kind loving interactions with me. I’m thankful for all the things that could have gone wrong today, but didn’t—the weather was beautiful; the people in my life are safe and healthy; I am physically capable etc. But a part of me feels like I’m phony in writing these things; i feel like I’m not really connecting to them as I write them, and solely writing them because they are “the right things” to say.
Let’s get honest. You know what I’m really thankful for? I’m really thankful that today is about to be over, and that tomorrow is a new day. I’m utterly grateful for hope, new beginnings and the fact that things can change. I’m thankful that, even though I have no guarantees, I have HOPE for a better day tomorrow, and you know what? I will cling to that today. I am thankful for sleep, because it is a time machine to get through tough times! I can’t wait to get some zZzzZz in soon. I’m thankful that I am partaking in this gratitude practice, and that I get a chance to write out my thoughts and feelings. I’m grateful for the possibility that once I publish this, even ONE of you might be able to relate to it and find some solace in this entry. I’m grateful for Netflix, and warm baths, and massages that seem to make days like today more manageable. And lastly, I am immensely immensely immensely thankful that this is only temporary. I am grateful for the knowledge that our minds are not always 100% honest with us. Just because I feel like I’m a crummy being doesn’t mean that I really am. My perception can be distorted. Thank GOD for that. I’m thankful for prayer and for the ability to be optimistic about the future. Ugh! and for heating pads…I have one wrapped around my lower back as I type this up and it is ever so soothing!
So here’s to hoping for a better tomorrow, and for a big dollop of gratitude for the little things that went right/didn’t go wrong today!
02/17/16
Today was a beautiful day—one of those days that makes you sigh in peace as you rest your head to sleep. It’s not even like something astoundingly magical happened; rather, I think it was magical that I was aware enough to recognize the extraordinary in the ordinary moments. I’m so full of gratitude today and I’m so thankful to be feeling this way. Through this daily practice, I’ve come to realize that there is a natural rhythm/fluctuation in my relationship with gratitude; on some days, my heart is so full and content, and other days, it is more restless and dissatisfied. So above all, I am grateful for being able to notice and feel the beauty of the little things.
I flew back home today to visit my family; I am thankful for a safe flight, and for the fact that we have accommodations that can allow us to visit loved ones and stay in touch. I’m thankful for my mom, and how she always has my favorite foods ready; I’m thankful for the burst of joy that I feel when I see my little sister for the first time; I’m grateful for my dad’s comforting embrace that just makes me feel like everything is right in the world again.
There’s something really lovely about being in your childhood room again—to lay in the same bed in which you used to dream about the things you have now. I can’t remember how many times I wished to find a loving, stable, and caring partner as I fell asleep here. I giggle as I recall how “being a mom one day” seemed like such a distant desire just a few years ago. Ah.
I am also grateful for this really sweet interaction I had on the way home; in between my flights, I stopped by to use the restroom. The lady that was working there to maintain and upkeep the condition of the facility was so unbelievably sweet. It’s not so much what she did or didn’t do; it was her presence and demeanor that made the interaction. Her friendly tone and welcoming smile was enough to make my drowsy self feel more happy, simply by being around her.
I am also really grateful for a simple exchange via Instagram. I reached out to an old high school friend and asked her what it felt like to be a mother; she responded enthusiastically, saying it was such a sweet experience! I could sense the genuineness in her response, and it made me eager to meet my own daughter!
You know what else I am so, over the moon, grateful for? The love that I feel from my husband’s family. The extended family is such a tight-knit support system and I’m so blessed to know them, and to be loved by them. Sweet little chats with them are such a breath of fresh air; I love that they tolerate my crazy cat lady memes, and forgive me so generously for my shortcomings. I truly have found new meaning to what it means to be a family after being married to Faraz. The way everyone watches out for one another, and cares for each other is downright inspiring. I love that we live so close to them; it gives me a first class seat to observe and experience the generosity, love and compassion they employ in their interactions.
Speaking of extended families…I’m so utterly grateful to his cousins (which I lovingly claim as all mine now). Seriously though, each one of them…they are mine now. I am so grateful that for two twin cousins, alongside my sister-in-law, who are so eager to help plan out my baby shower!!! Sugar or spice? These girls are everything nice! From coming up with themes, to suggesting wall décor and party favors, I can tell that they are really trying to make this a special experience for me. And you know what?…it already is! I feel so loved, cared for and special already! Themes and colors aside…it is their eager desire for involvement that has had me floored and speechless. The fact that there are people in my life that want to make this a special occasion for me is so incomparably special! I don’t want to take that type of love for granted; I realize how blessed I am to share my life with angels who desire to see me smile and to experience my happiness, right next to me!
02/18/2016
Today was a great day! I am thankful for sleep. I slept in till 12 pm today, and trust me, it was glorious. I’ve had interrupted sleep for a few days now and so something as simple as getting a good night (and day) sleep was a lovely blessing.
I am also really grateful for the ability to “show up” for my life. Recently, I’ve been repeating that statement quite a lot to myself. “Maham, all you have to do is get dressed and show up.” What do I mean by that? On the days I find a lot of resistance in my mind to working out or doing another task, I repeat that statement countless times. It’s been really beneficial because it forces me to go into an experience without any performance-oriented expectations. All I have to do is literally get dressed, and show up. What happens after is not my battle; it is God’s. I’ve done what I can do, and the rest is up to Him. And you know what? I can certainly attest to the fact that He has not been stingy with infusing His mercy and strength into my life. I’m truly grateful. I find myself telling God the following often: “I’m not much. My motivation is at best, wavering. I get carried away easily. My emotions often control me and I really don’t have much to offer you. But if you want to use me to do something, I’m all yours.” It’s ironic because after saying that prayer, I’ve noticed, many times, that He will allow me to accomplish things beyond what I expected from myself!
Another thing I’m really grateful for is being able to spend time with my parents. I love watching the people they’ve grown up to become; they are such amazing, dynamic individuals. As I’ve gotten older, they’ve become less and less “my parents who do things for me” and more and more seperate “people with their own set of hopes and dreams.” I love hearing about their dreams, goals and reflections upon their lives. Over the years, I’ve seen them grow together as each one of the birds leaves the nest. First, I got married and left. Then, Ahad went to medical school a few hours away, and now they have Anu going to college. These human beings I call “Mama” and “Baba”, who dedicated so much of their time and energy into raising us, are now finding themselves with abundant gaps of emptiness.
The way they have started to fill these gaps is through developing beneficial routines. They sit together and watch certain TV shows; they pray together; they memorize the Quran together, and practice their recitations on one another. But, one of the activities they partake in really softens my heart. And, it is their nightly “exercise hour.” After praying maghrib, they both put on old music and my mom gets a workout on the elliptical while my dad lifts. You need to watch them during this exercise hour to understand what I feel. It’s like they go into their own little world, where they are fully entrenched in helping support each other’s goals and wellbeing. As they get older, I’ve watched them morph into strong sturdy pillars of companionship for one another; it really brings about a heart-tugging sensation within me. Watching my aged parents find solace in routine and relentlessly support one another in something like “an exercise hour” makes my heart tender, soft and full of love towards them. I watch as they attempt to cope with the aging process, and the natural sadness that arises from their once-full nest, now getting emptier and emptier. I have boundless mercy in my hearts for them.
Finally, I am also really thankful today for… CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! My little sister and I were craving a batch of freshly made cookies, so we literally ran out to the grocery store at 10 pm to gather our supplies. And we baked it off, talked and laughed until the most buttery, warm, gooey, savory, delectable, mouth-watering, tender-to-touch cookies were baked. Oh my goodness! They were so warm and soft–so appetizing! I love how their delectable aroma fills the entire home and makes it seem like you’re living in a delicious gingerbread house! and of course—I was grateful to be able to enjoy a sweet treat with my sweet sister!
02/19/2016
Today was a challenging day. I haven’t been as regimented on my diet as I usually am; coming home to all this delicious food made with mama’s love and care has certainly been savory, however, it has thrown off my routine nutritional intake. And though my routine has only been disrupted for all but two to three days, it is certainly making me feel like I’m losing self-control. I feel anxious. This is a really scary place for me to be in. I like to do things a certain way, and prefer to have some sense of predictability to almost all aspects of my life. So today—I am trying to be grateful that life has provided me the opposite of that! I’m pretty sure this challenge is an opportunity to break out of stringent, rigid routines, and experience some level of spontaneity. Despite the feelings of anxiety and worry that uncertainty brings about, it is necessary to be flexible in life. I’m grateful for life repeating a lesson that I really need to learn; I need to realize that if I’m not micro-managing every little aspect of my life, things still turn out relatively okay. Nothing catastrophic happens; the plate tectonics beneath my feet do not suddenly shift. A few changes in routine are healthy and okay.
Simultaneously, however, even though I was able to indulge in a few “cheat days”, I am grateful that I possess the necessary insight to monitor things before they spiral out of moderation. It is glaring that I work very hard on my physical fitness, and I don’t want to continue on this cycle…before I know it, “a few days” may turn into “a few months”; I work tenaciously to train myself. I fuel myself with conscious foods so that my body performs at its optimal. I don’t want to toss dirt all over my efforts…and I don’t have to. That is why I am so immensely thankful that I am under no obligation to be the same person I was just five seconds ago. Sure, I can accept the things that I cannot change BUT I can also change the things that I accept. I’m thankful for new beginnings, the courage to start again, and the fact that every moment passing by has the inherent potential to change our lives forever. I’m thankful for choices and self-control; I am grateful that I can choose to no longer keep indulging, and operate life from a more cognitive mindset.
Speaking of making changes, I am thankful for the realization that I have to start incorporating more strength training into my regimen—especially given my pregnancy. Pregnancy hormones have a tendency to make joints lax, and strength training is beneficial to help prevent injury and promote an easier delivery/recovery. I have a sporadic relationship with strength training, as it is not my favorite thing to do! However, again, I can choose to consciously start to incorporate it at more timely intervals, because it will not only help my body do the things that it loves more efficiently (cardio), but also enable a speedier labor and delivery!
Lastly, I was really thankful today for a moment with my sister. As we were driving around to pick up new headphones, we started to listen to old songs; the Hannah Montana soundtrack emerged from the dust, and we literally fell back into childhood mode. We laughed, and sang along at the top of our lungs—not a care in the world as to who was watching, or what was happening around us. It was a moment lavished with 100% spontaneity, and no cognitive interruptions. I’m really grateful for moments like that—the moments that your heart is so full of joy in the littlest things, and you are fully emerged in the present. You are alive.
02/20/2016
Walking is such a blessing. Since I’m visiting my parents, the nearest gym is 3 miles away; because of the proximity, I have made it a point to walk there and back every time I intend to workout. It’s a great way to warm up, and it places me in the arms of nature. I love watching the trees, weather, and birds; on my way, I say “hi” to the adored neighborhood alligator that hangs out outside the pond on warm days like today. I’m grateful for the experience of walking, and how it is an activity that is slow enough to connect with, both, mind and body. As you probably know, I love fast-paced cardiovascular activities; they leave me feeling empowered, capable, and strong! Walking is different. It feels unfamiliar, but in the most beautiful way. I’m intrigued by it, and what it brings out of me. I’m grateful, curious, and excited for the new relationship I’m building with it.
I’m really grateful for Audible, and other technology that allows me to listen to words of wisdom from so many different books as I workout, get dressed or just hang out! I love hearing the stories and experiences of others; it’s beautiful, because in the moment that their words resonate with me, the lives of those authors and my journey crossover for a second. When they say something that just hits my heart, they make me feel connected to them and the rest of the world.
So, do you want to hear about a really exciting experience? I’m now able to SEE my daughter kick underneath my stomach!!! You guys, when I’m laying flat on the ground, breathing deeply and evenly, I can definitely see a rise in my abdomen where she kicks. Its too soon to tell whether it’s her little footsie or her hand, but there is definitely a distinct and momentary rise and fall. I showed my little sister, and I’m pretty sure she is convinced that I’m harboring ET in my tummy; it’s funny creeping her out!
I’m very grateful for friendship. I’m so blessed to know loving friends, who graciously forgive my shortcomings, and love me regardless of the fact that I’m imperfect. I’m grateful for good conversations and great pizza at Mellow Mushroom.
02/21/2016
Today, I am grateful for forgiveness and mercy. I’m grateful, that if we choose, we have the ability move on from feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. We have all done or said things in our lives that we would take back, if given the chance. I know I certainly have. Sometimes, I let the weight of previous mistakes hunker me down. I become so weighed down with my own guilt and shame, and find myself asking: “what if I haven’t been forgiven?” I have this unrelenting fear that if haven’t been “forgiven”, there is a looming punishment around the bend, just waiting to hit me. It’s almost as if I expect something really terrible to happen, and when it does, I’ll feel like I deserve it—because of my past mistakes. That’s a terribly excruciating burden to carry around. To think that I don’t deserve happiness, fulfillment, and love because of mistakes I’ve made in the past is a distorted and crippling belief. Thank God that it’s a belief that I can choose to reject.
I’m grateful for this insight, and for other self-discoveries. I know that I tend to assume a lot more guilt and shame than I probably deserve; simultaneously, I’m hesitant to allocate culpability to others. This makes me a prime candidate for negative self-talk, feelings of low self-worth, and just feeling like I’m not good enough or deserving. I think one of my greatest fears in life is that I’m inherently unlovable; oftentimes, I feel like I don’t deserve the love I have. In my human journey, I somehow equated my self-worth with performance and accomplishments. It seems as if my “loveability” is contingent on what I do/don’t do rather than who I am/am not. Over time, I’ve come to realize that my worth is is unchanging. It is present because of who I inherently am, not what what I do/don’t do; but it’s been hard to integrate this new belief into my preexisting cognitive schema. I am thankful, however, that I’m much closer to believing this now than I was in previous years.
God, I am so utterly grateful that my actual self-worth is a quantity that does not change with my wavering self-concept—that my worth remains the same, whether or not I choose to recognize and acknowledge it. I am grateful that God and the universe are more forgiving towards me than I am towards myself. I’m thankful that despite my beliefs about whether or not I deserve love, I am given love. I am grateful that my thoughts about myself and the world are not 100% foolproof correct; I am also simultaneously thankful for the ability to recognize these distortions when they arise.
On a different note, I am so excited that I got to run outside today! Initially, I was so scared; every thought in my mind was telling me I won’t be able to do it; “it’s going to be so hard, and your body is going to feel so miserable” my brain repeated, “you’re going to be so slow, and it’s going to feel agonizing.” But, I hesitantly mustered up the courage to get outside, start, and next thing I know…I was just putting one foot in front of the other. Yes, I was slower than usual. Yes, I could tell that it was harder on my body than it would be if I were running on a treadmill. I want you guys to imagine carrying a cantaloupe and running long-distances with it. (That’s literally how big my baby is right now!) It felt different, for sure. But I was happy that I got out there and showed myself that I can handle tough workouts. It was just another opportunity to reaffirm that my brain does not always tell the truth; I don’t have to listen to every single thought that runs through it. Some thoughts are better left discarded. I realized, again, today that the voices that say “I can’t do it” are usually not mine. It was also very much a blessing to be able to run the last mile with my sister!
Today, I’m so grateful for sisterhood. What a blessing it is to be able to call your sister at 11 pm, and have her to confide in, laugh with and cry with. My little sister is absolutely wonderful, and I am absolutely amazed by her ability to help me through a rough day without EVER having talk about the problem. For some reason, a conversation about the specific issues bothering us is never needed. We end up talking about random things, like weird horror characters that can unhinge their jaws and swallow humans whole, and somehow that makes everything better. (I know, you’d be surprised). I’m thankful for friendships and all the love I have in my life, but I simultaneously can attest to the fact that there is no friend like a sister. How lucky I feel that somewhere along the way, God blessed me with her and now, I can call her my friend eternally.
I’m also surprisingly thankful for moments of loneliness. They have a way of stimulating you to turn inwards, and reflect on what really matters. Somehow, taking a walk alone at midnight in the shivering cold, alone with your thoughts is a really liberating, and empowering experience. You quickly realize that YOU not only are all that you have, but that you are also all that you need and that you are ENOUGH. By spending time with myself, I come to see a transformation from misery in loneliness to enjoyment in solitude; would you imagine that I’m not too awful of a company to have? Yes, my mind can be frantic, and I can be overly sentimental but my intentions are usually pretty noble. And, I think that’s pretty laudable. Perhaps, my own companionship will enrich me beyond measure.
I’m also really thankful for waking up and finding a warm, friendly, fuzzy Nemo next to me! Seriously, pets are angels disguised in fur! Seeing his sweet face in the middle of the night when I’m awakened by the baby’s kicks is such a soothing experience.
So I thought about writing about a lot of different things this week; I could speak about my fitness routine, my nutrition, and other topics that a few of you have expressed interest in. But, can I be completely honest with you?
There’s a lingering issue that has kept tugging on my heart recently. I feel that if I didn’t share it with you, I would be denying myself (and you) of the utmost authentic interaction we could have.
The matter that my mind and heart have been grappling with is the pesky concept of change. C-H-A-N-G-E. I mean, on some level, we all know that things change– that nothing remains the same. We wake up to different day with a brand-new sunrise; we nonchalantly check our clocks at work and realize that “time has passed.” But, really, how many of us have actually contemplated this idea of change in its profundity? Yes, I mean the absolutely scary, spine-chilling, hair-raising parts that accompany this inevitable truth. Everything is subject to change. Our bodies will not stay the same; neither will our minds. There is an imminent timeline on both our physical and mental capabilities; there will come a day when they, too, will change, and begin to deteriorate with age. To me, the most grievous part of the changing process is having to let the people in our lives change. The people we hold so dear to our hearts—our husbands, partners, fathers, brothers, mothers, sister, friends—even they are subject to the basic unsparing principle of impermanence; it’s heart wrenching to think that at times, letting these people change means coping with the fact that they must transition through and out of this world;there will come a day when you and I will no longer be able find comfort in the warm, soothing embraces of our beloveds.
But are change, impermanence and even death really as wretched as we make them out to be? Even the “we” that assigns these processes as negative and painful is not permanent. So, no. I don’t believe this processes are inherently bad. I think they just inherently are.
Recently, change and impermanence have been sowing through my spirit deeply and painfully. Pregnancy has a way of highlighting the truths we work so arduously to ignore; I mean, your growing body makes life’s consistent fluctuations quite difficult to neglect. Pregnancy is a time of great physical and emotional change for women. Everything from the size of our bellies to the speed at which our hearts beat, to how much blood is pumping through our veins fluctuates voraciously over a cramped period of nine months.
And to me, that’s frankly terrifying.In our society, there are far too many ludicrous “old-wives tales” and burdensome stereotypes about pregnancy. One such implicates pregnancy to be a time in which expectant women are only allowed to burst with love for the miraculous gift of life they are growing; (forget bursting with tears over the fluctuating horomones, and physiological aches and pains). Pregnancy is said to be an exciting, incomparable and life-altering experience. Yes, that is true. But society can be too hasty in glazing over the unfavorable aspects.
For me, the most challenging aspect of pregnancy has been tolerating its rapid and repetitive changes. I, personally, have a very difficult time coexisting with uncertainty and change. My most amiable attitude towards it can be described as mandatory toleration. “Change, I acknowledge that you exist” but ” I’m absolutely terrified of you, and would like it if you could just stay as far away from me as possible…”
“Oh, and if you must come…please arrive as slowly and gently as possible.”
To hell with that in pregnancy.
~CHANGES IN PREGNANCY~
I’m about mid-way through my pregnancy, and recently, my growing belly has started playing hide-and-seek with me. At times, I’ll notice the protruding bump, and the next moment it’s completely gone. I can’t help but await in anxious uncertainty, wondering when I’ll “pop.” I have mixed feelings about it. However, for every distressed change, there is an inspiring counterpart. For me, this has been the movement of my baby girl. Whenever I’m very still, (which to be honest, is rare), I’ll feel her fluttering about. Oh my goodness, that sensation is electrifying, and the feelings it creates within me–they are indescribable. Her little butterfly waltz sends a set of my OWN “love flutters” through my heart.
Another major change that is transpiring is the birth of this insatiable hunger. I think this sensation is, by far, the toughest one for me to handle. On a cognitive level, I have heard and known that “pregnancy brings about more hunger; for god sake, you’re growing a baby…” But Yikes!!! Experiencing it firsthand is an entirely different story. You guys, they really weren’t kidding. The thing is that my activity level hasn’t changed drastically (another positive change), but for some odd reason, I was expecting that the same nutrients that were able to sustain me before my pregnancy would be enough for me and my baby. This was true for the first trimester, but now…boy, am I wrong!! And every morning, at 4 am, every morning…this thing awakens within my womb. RAHHHH!!!
how i picture my daughter in the womb at the break of dawn
My little dictator daughter wakes me up with a ravenous hunger that I cannot EVEN put into words. And suddenly, I’m transformed into a horrifying hybrid of the cookie monster and Godzilla; you can find me stamping around the house wanting to eat everything in sight!!! Even silverware! Humor aside…this feeling is honestly quite unfamiliar to me, and its unfamiliarity really frightens me. Its presence makes it apparent to me that the delicate balance that I had found before has been disrupted. My happy, “pre-pregnancy balance” of nutritional intake and activity level is now offset.
So here’s me telling you that if you are, have been, or are planning to get pregnant—it is not all glamorous. And you are under no obligation or oath to enjoy every moment of it.
The ravenous hunger, clamorous queasiness, manic mood swings, inferno-like heartburn, and unpredictable muscle-aches are completely real. Sometimes, they feel more real than the miracle you are actually carrying. And then, there are the cruel comical changes going on in your body…weird changes to your lady parts, bellies expanding to uncomfortable lengths and when you lay your head to sleep, you’re left with a weighty awareness. You are left with the glaring realization that your body does not solely belong to you anymore. You are now sharing control with a whole other being. How freaking scary is that?
So no, you are certainly not a sociopath for being wary of “growing a miracle inside of you.” It does not, by any means, indicate how much you will love and sacrifice for that little human. It just emphasizes that you, too, are just human.
HEY YOU! A lot of you reading this are probably not pregnant, so how does what I’m saying apply to you? Though you may not have a fetus pressing on your bladder as you read this, I can bet that YOU too HAVE had to endure undesirable changes.
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS
What is your relationship with change? Do you embrace it? Simply tolerate it? Spend great energy in avoiding it?
What are some of the ways you cope with change? What specific things do you do to tolerate it?
What are some aspects of your life that you see undesirable changes in? (fluctuations in weight, in your motivation level, your inspiration, dedication to your relationships, career changes etc.)
How are you currently tolerating these unwanted changes?
So how do I, Maham Abid, recommend that you get get through it? Well, I have 5 WAYS that I use.
Keep reminding yourself that it is only temporary. The not so sharp-sided edge of the sword of change is that it is only temporary. The only that that NEVER changes in life is that EVERYTHING always changes. This means wherever you are in your life—at whatever level of motivation, whatever weight, whatever mood, or whatever circumstance–your current predicament is not your final one; it is subject to change. In essence, “change” is not good or bad; it is our own cognitive perceptions make it out to be the “bad guy.” So theoretically speaking, this means that things could literally change for the better RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT! You could totally win the lottery, get back on the meal plan you desired, muster up enough magical motivation to achieve your goals and live the life you’ve always wanted.
Focus on how things could change/have changed for the better already! I’m not saying that you actually have to make your mind believe this. But, it might be a good idea to simply CONSIDER some positive changes that could potentially come about from your current situation. You’re at rock bottom? Well, there’s only one way to go up from there!
Even for me, there have been several positive changes in pregnancy! My natural tendency is to magnify and worry about the negative ones BUT there are some phenomenal things that HAVE come about as a result of me being pregnant! I’ll (hesitantly) discuss four with you!
POSITIVE #1: I have become a stronger and faster athlete. I am able to run longer distances in faster paced times! Who knew that a few extra pounds would have done that for me?
POSITIVE #2: I have a lot more energy to do the things that I want to do (counterintuitive to most pregnancy stories, but hey, I’m 100% unique!)
POSITIVE #3: I have been super in-tune with my emotions, which has allowed me to become more vulnerable, sensitive and compassionate to those around me. This, in turn, has helped my personal relationships blossom. My network of support is certainly gaining fortitude.
POSITIVE #4: Pregnancy has really elucidated my mind’s propensity to catastrophize and “expect the worst”…this has really forced me to start to break life down to “taking it one day at a time.”
Make time for you- my third recommendation is that if you’re feeling emotionally “off” or down, try to do something that you used to enjoy before. I get it. Sometimes when you’re feeling crummy, it FEELS like you’re going to have to expend enough energy to move mountains in order to do something that you previously enjoyed. This leads me to my next point. But before we go on to that, I really want you to brainstorm of a few activities or hobbies that really made you feel happy, or like yourself before. For me, specifically, this has usually been engaging in physical activity, reading a self-help book or writing.
Start Small: Great things almost always start small. But really, “greatness” is a lofty goal that makes me cringe. I’m sure if you’re feeling helpless at the whims of change, you’ve not even looking for “greatness.” At this point, you’re probably just seeking some seedling of normalcy or “okay-ness” in your day-to-day routine. I’ve got good news for you, because one of the most interesting realizations I’ve come to is that this small, “least expectations” sort of thinking usually results in better progress. For example, there was a time period a few months ago when I just could not get myself to run a MILE. To me, this was a crisis. Here’s someone who is used to running and enjoying 5-7 miles at a time, and now, all of a sudden, I can’t muster up the motivation to run a mile? So logically, I decided that I was going to run half a mile. Yup—that didn’t happen. So I dejectedly lowered my expectations to just taking a walk around the block…that was about as successful as me running a triathlon. You’d think I started by just taking a walk around the block. So I kept lowering my expectations till I finally could get myself to the smallest thing possible to bring me closer to my goal. You know what that was? To read a book about running. So if you’re not seeing any progress, ask yourself, what is an EVEN smaller thing I can do to bring me ½ step closer to living the life I want?
If you can’t do great things, do small things in a great way
Pray- ~Disclaimer~: I really want you to try to detach any religious dogmas and preconceptions you may have when you read this suggestion. I know that the word “pray” can carry a heavy connotation for some who do not believe in God. The reason I have this on my suggestion list is because a lot of my resistance to change is based on the root feeling of FEAR. I’m afraid of change, because I think that things will change for the worse. I’m afraid that with change, something really terrible will happen. What I’ve found is that the only CURE to fear is FAITH. I’m not only referring to faith in a deity such as God, or Jesus, or Buddha (those are fine too though!) I’m referring to having faith in the innate “goodness” of things—having faith in the cause-effect relationships in the universe. I have to remind myself consistently to have faith that things might not turn out as horrible as I have imagined them out to be.
Have a sense of humor– This suggestion is one that I have to thank my dad for. In my last visit, he literally looked at me, smiled and said: “why do you take things so seriously!?” I think part of that is my nature, but I think it’s a really important question to consider! Coming back to the topic of this post—change—everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever, so why do we linger so painstakingly on circumstances that will just pass? I’ve really been trying to joke with my mind, and its tendencies to catastrophize recently. Sometimes, we all just need to step out of ourselves, and look at our minds, and just laugh at the little magical instruments that are working so very hard to protect us from dangers that simply don’t exist yet.
NUMBER #5If you forget everything else, REMEMBER THIS- Not everything your mind tells you is the TRUTH.Your mind knows how to lie too. It’s sole job is to try to protect you. If it senses danger, it switches on its alarms and will create any illusion/delusion it needs to get you to safety. This is a noble and admirable mission, but it can have some annoying consequences too. Depending on who you are, the mind can sometimes react to a mosquito and a lion with the same threat level. So please—do not believe everything your mind tells you. Learn from my mistakes.
~MY CATASTROPHIZING~
I remember during the first trimester, I was SO frightened everyday that I was going to have a miscarriage. Every time I used the bathroom, I expected to see blood denoting “the worst is happening; I’m losing my baby.”
During early second trimester, I was terrified that there was some chromosomal or physiological abnormality in my child…”What if her brain isn’t developed so far?” “What if she has 6 toes?” “What if her ears grow upside down?” Ugh. There is no end.
So I’ll share something something humorous (and totally vulnerable)? Don’t laugh at me. (okay, you totally can. Because I’m cracking up typing this). So initially, I did have a gender preference. My husband relentlessly wanted a girl, and I really wanted a boy; the 16th week rolls around, and we find out it’s a girl. Two doctors confirm it. Do I believe it? Heck no. Two weeks later, we go again, to a DIFFERENT doctor and the only thing different was…tada! MORE developed and noticeable lady parts. Okay, let’s try out one of those elective ultrasound places that do gender reveals! Yay! What do you think it was? Now, finally, at my mid-pregnancy appointment, we’ve gotten a total of 6 different opinions confirming it’s a girl.
You guys, the reason I kept rechecking is not because I was that hellbent on it being a boy; in fact, I was starting to be happy that it was a girl. Truth be told…the reason I kept checking was because the whole time… I was PETRIFIED that this little girl was going to somehow grow “guy parts” too. Then, we’ll have the best of both worlds?What were we going to do then? I’m telling you guys…my mind is a creative little bungalow of ideas, sometimes bordering on hypochondriasis.
So long story short, none of those things happened (so far). Not ONE of my fears came true. So you and I–we are under no obligation to believe that the fears our minds create are going to, with 100% guarantee, come true. We have the power to question the validity of our thoughts, and accordingly reject or accept them.What a relief that is!
I love running because it really highlights the fact that our minds sometimes lie.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope that some aspects of this blog are able to help both, you and I, handle the ebbs and flows of life with more ease. Let’s drop our heavy swords, and cease this endless expenditure of energy in resisting the current of life. Let’s just float…
And you know what, if we can’t seem to do that…then, let’s just ACCEPT that at this point in our lives, we are having trouble surrendering to the flow of things. Even accepting what we have trouble accepting is nonresistance. Haha, tricked ya’, mind!
Are you frustrated because you’re still not seeing results?
Well, take a read of my 20 top reasons you may not be seeing results.
1. Unclear goals. I believe that this is the number one reason people fail to see “results.” The way the human body works is quite simple–it adapts. It will make necessary changes and adjustments in its own physiology to better adapt to whatever stresses are being placed on it. In our case, the added stress is related to how/when/how often we are training. Often times, we do a bunch of different things, in no particular order or time and expect the body to respond in a specific way. Randomness is never going to lead to a specific outcome. So my #1 tip is to figure things out. What do you want? What type of body type do you desire? Are your goals to gain strength, gain muscle, lose muscle, loss fat, etc? Once you’ve established clear cut goals, do some research on it. What types of exercises do you need to do? How often? At what rate do you add a greater load your workouts?
Now, I want to tell you guys something really exciting. Eeep are you ready?
This blog post is only the first one in a SERIES of blog posts to come. So what are my next blog posts going to be about? In light of the fact that I think most people do not get the results they desire DUE to unclear goals, my next THREE blog posts are going to be a series of tips pertaining to three distinct fitness goals
Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
Tips to lose weight and excess bulk
ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS THE CAT?!?! Me too!!! ❤ giggles.
2. Misinformed post workout nutrition: you may not be eating at the proper time or the proper foods for your goals. For example, if your goal is to increase muscle tone and definition, it is a good idea for you to fuel up on an isolate protein snack within 30 minutes of a weight lifting session. On the contrary, if your goal is to lose excess bulk or muscle (ie; bulky quads), you should be avoiding ALL food at least forty five minutes after a moderate intensity cardio workout. This way the body is able to utilize the glycogen stores and then, and only THEN begin to burn through some of the excess muscle storage. More information about appropriate post workout nutrition in relation to your fitness goals will be posted in proceeding blogs.
3. You are overtraining the muscle you want to see shrink. This is a close #2 mistake I see women making. Numerous research has shown that even though women do not get as “bulky” as men, their lower body is more responsive to hypertrophy than any other part. This means that some of us may end up with bulkier legs than we prefer. When this happens, so many of us run to the cardio machines (stair master, elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike etc) in an attempt to burn more calories so we can lose muscle. In theory, this may work. However, what most girls forget is the “use it or lose it rule.” Intense forms of cardio are STILL working your leg muscles. If you are doing cardio everyday, you run the risk of overtraining the very muscle you want to see shrink. “Use it or lose it” applies everywhere. Train the muscles you want to see definition in to fatigue (for me this is arms, and abs). I steer away from training my legs to fatigue as I do not want the bulkier aesthetic for myself.
4. Not drinking enough water! This may be causing you to eat more, and retain more water.
5. Doing too much of the same thing: If you do what you have always done, you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten. That Robbins was a smart cookie, eh? A lot of issues can come up in your training if you continue to do the same sort of excercise day in and day out. First, your muscles will adapt to the load and therefore, it will be much harder for you to attain a “good workout” (I mean “good” in terms of effectiveness). Lessened variety of excercises within your regimen will force hypertrophy (growth) of certain muscles and ignore other muscle groups. This means that you may have more definition in one area (the area you are training), while completely lacking definition in other areas (the areas you are ignoring). Please include cross-training in your regimen. It has saved my world. Seriously. Please. Do it!
6. Nor resting enough: the next few reasons are going to come from the same basic background: that you are putting your body under a ton of stress. When your body feels excessive physiological stress, it begins to produce higher levels of cortisol to allow conservatory metabolic changes to occur. When there is a sustained increase in cortisol levels, your body may start to hold onto food as fat stores. So where does rest come into play? Lack of adequate rest can elicit your body to begin elevating its levels of cortisol! So be careful and take a rest day. 🙂
7. Creating too large of a caloric deficit: you may be working out like crazy and may have simultaneously cut your calories a little too much. Though this will eventually lead to weight loss (I’m talking months, people), the primary reaction is going to be one of stress. In fact, you are probably going to see the opposite results of what you want, initially. Your body will start retaining water like no other, which will lead to an overall “bigger” appearance as you will display signs of puffiness, inflammation and bloating. Furthermore, your body may decide to shift to survival mode and start storing everything you put in it into adipose tissue (or fat). My tip to avoid this from happening is: do as a turtle would do. Slow and steady wins the race. Also, creating too large of a caloric deficit and continuing to work out is a sure way to get injured.
8. Not getting enough zZzZzZz: Let’s talk sleep. If you are not getting enough sleep, you are putting your body in the “elevated cortisol” phase once more. It is under stress, and consequently, it’s going to start retaining water, become inflamed and react as if it is under attack. Also, as you all know, staying up at night can lead to binging on extra snacks, which may not be the best, depending on your fitness goals. So please don’t trade sleep for working out. It may be counteractive.
9. Getting too much sleep: Ah. Here’s that “moderation is key” mantra again. Too much sleep can affect your results too. 6-8 hours per night is optimal. Any more than that and you risk entering a robotic phase of what I like to call “sleep coma.” You know what I’m talking about. Those days where you feel entirely lethargic and tired throughout the day even though you slept a million hours. Getting too much sleep throws off your body’s natural circadian rhythm, pushing it off balance. We don’t want this.
10. Not instilling a proper warm up or cool down: When you are getting into the gym, chances are you haven’t been training for a marathon the whole day. This means that your muscles have been in a static phase. They need time to become “warm” and ready to go. So please take AT LEAST (and I mean, at the very least) 5 minutes to warm up the muscle group you are planning to work out. I, personally, take about 10-15 minutes to conduct a full body warm up. Numerous studies have shown that a proper warm up can also aid in injury prevention. AFTER you are done with your workout, a cool-down needs to take place. Your heart will be pumping blood like crazy; everything is rapid, and your blood vessels are dilated keeping your body at a hyper-alert stage. It is important to take time to cool down, and allow your body to return to homeostasis. A proper cool down can ensure that you don’t faint or begin to feel sick after your workout. Personally, I like to cool down for about 10-15 minutes– until my heart rate gets down to 100 level.
11. Overestimating expenditure: You’ve probably heard the saying– “a one hour workout is just 4% of your day.” Though this statement is meant to motivate, it does hold subtly important information. A one hour workout, regardless of the intensity, is just 4% of your day. A lot of us are guilty of going to the gym, giving it a 110%, and then remaining completely stationary for the next 23 hours. This can lead to an overestimation of expenditure, or how much we think we are burning. The more you move, the more you burn. For an average-sized woman, a one hour shopping spree (walk at the mall) can result in an additional caloric loss of 300-400 cal. My advice to you is: try not to remain stationary the entire day. I know that workouts are tough. Sometimes, you just don’t want to move after them. It is okay to sit/lay for a little bit to recover. However, try to stay on your feet most of the day and move around 🙂
12. Not tracking your food intake. This can lead to an underestimation of how much we are truly eating. Truth be told, calories are hard to burn. They really are. But they are so EASY (and yummy) to ingest. Regardless of your goal, I think it may be a good idea to track your food intake for a few days to see how much you are really eating. This way, you can tweak your workout program and nutrition regimen to optimize results. On a side note, PEOPLE! DRINKS COUNT AS CALORIES TOO. A few lattes from starbucks per day can result in anywhere from a 600 to 900 calorie gain.
13. Not having proper meals. Are you snacking all day? Every few hours? Yes, there has been research done that demonstrates that snacking frequently can rev up your metabolism, allowing you to burn more throughout the day. Though that is true, most people forget to mention the flip side of this phenomenon! When you “rev” up your metabolism with a snack, it means that your body is probably going to feel hungrier and want MORE food. So unless you have the discipline and self-control of a superhero, I recommend that you stick to 3 proper meals, and snack 2-3 times a day.
14. Yo-yo dieting and random working out: Like I said before, randomness will never lead to specificity. If you are not consistent in your method, you are not going to see consistent results. Doing too much, too often throws your body into confusion. So though, some variety is good, too much variety is chaotic. It will take a little bit of time for you to find that balance for you, but I promise, through practicing gentle curiosity and patience, you will discover it.
15. Rewarding yourself with food: There are so many things wrong with that statement. I literally cringed as I typed it up. First of all, food is not a reward. The mentality of using it in a punishment/reward system is very risky. This type of thinking is the root backbone of eating disorders, and compulsive eating behaviors. So, no, food is not a reward. You are not a pet who needs to be bribed with a “treat” to conduct a certain task. Food is fuel. It is a necessity that you need to sustain yourself and all the wonderful things that you accomplish. Please don’t use working out as a means to allow yourself certain foods. Coming from that place of motivation is highly stressful and distorted. (alright, alright, I am getting off my soap box now).
16. Sipping on popular sports drinks during workout: The popular marketed sports drinks are high in calories and sugar. Depending on the drink, you may, literally, be drinking all the calories you are burning. So take notice of what you put in your body. If you tend to get dizzy and want to make sure that you are replenishing your electrolytes, I would stick to plain water, and just mix in a packet of Emergen-C powder!
17. Taking too many breaks during your workout: Sometimes, we work out really hard for 5 minutes, and then start to look at our phone–“oh look, our best friend texted us with a funny picture of a cat eating noodles. Haha, how cute! We need to reply to this. Wait, why just reply in a text message? Let’s one up her! Let’s google funny pictures of cats and find an ubber hilarious picture and send it to her!” 15 minutes later…you’re still on that phone. Sound familiar? Put that phone down!!! Heart rate is changing number ya’ll. In order for it remain elevated, it needs to be maintained with consistent activity. Let’s make the most out of the 30 minutes-1 hour we are dedicating to ourselves and our bodies at the gym.
18. Got (no) patience? : So many of us need immediate gratification. We need to see those changes! And when we don’t, we are quick to walk out on the process. This is one of the simplest reasons we may not see results. If we’re not sticking to working out and seeing the process through, we’re not going to get the results. Sucks how that works, right?
19. Not listening to your body: On the contrary, you may not be listening to your own body . Are you trying really hard to make yourself into another transformation? In that process, you may be neglecting what your body is telling you. The truth is that you are not the same person as any of the other girls in the “transformation pictures.” No, I don’t care if your body may resemble hers. You are NOT her. This means that no work out program is going to be smarter than your own body. If a regimen that’s supposed to make you lose weight is actually making you gain weight, then you may want to change it up. But so often, we just keep going— hoping that with enough time, it will magically make us lose weight. The entire time, we ignore the signs that our body gives us. So, let your body be the primary judge–your primary guide. If you are hyper-vigilant and super aware of your body, you should see SOME change in 4 weeks. If it takes you a little bit longer to notice changes, you should see some by 6 weeks for sure. Again, notice that I said some results. They are probably not going to major life changing ones, but they should be enough to give you insight on how your body is responding to a certain regimen.
20. Don’t forget to love yourself: Alright, so this tip may not be the most “scientifically” correlated with seeing results, but I had to put it in here! It would feel inauthentic if I didn’t! 🙂 Take time to love yourself throughout the entire process–through the injuries, the messups, the falls, the small victories, the big wins, and all the rest. You are trying and you are human. This means that you are going to get there a little bit a time, not all at once. Take time to honor your body and what it can do for you, and most of all, trust it 🙂 It does so much to support you!
I love you all so much! I hope this was helpful ❤
And don’t forget, this was just the first post in a series of posts to come. Watch out for these next three blogs ❤
Tips for increased muscle tone (bulking)
Tips for simultaneous fat loss and muscle tone gain
It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.
So, why haven’t I really written?
Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.
There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.
I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”
I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.
“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”
Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”
Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.
I am not worthless. I am human.
I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.
And that is okay.
But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.
And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!
Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.
Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?
I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.
As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.
Why doesn’t this apply to me?
Because I’m the antichrist. Right?
I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!
Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.
What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.
So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.
All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?
The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.
However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?
Wrong.
–Sigh-
Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if weshared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.
And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.
Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.
So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in. I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.
I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.
But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.
I had planned for this post to be about foam-rolling, and though that will be coming soon, it will not be coming today. As I sat down to write this blog post, I found that my heart was somewhere else. So, I decided to loosely follow the direction of my heart, as writing about anything that is not my raw, unfiltered experience would be a disservice to both you and I.
Today, I want to talk about nothingness.
I have a really hard time being still. And no, I promise its not because I have attention deficit disorder. My fear resides in a more philosophical dwelling. The fear of “being” has plagued me for as long as I can remember. As a child, most of my nightmares consisted of not doing anything. And not doing anything consisted of not being “seen”, heard, or noticed. If others did not notice me, would I even exist? Furthermore, if I ceased to exist, what would I be? Would I be nothing?
To this day, my mind responds with silence.
And, I’m fearful of its silence too.
As a result, I have found safety and comfort in “doing.” Whether it’s going to school, maintaining activity at the gym, or simply attempting to keep up with the springing dynamic thoughts in my mind, I am always moving.
I have built a tenuous home in chaotic motion. I suppose, “doing” something all the time grants me some degree of disillusionment from my deepest and darkest fears; mobility serves as a relieving distraction from my ultimate fear of being still. Upon reflection, I suppose that I have equated “being” with nothingness. I am not exactly sure how, when or why that association was made, but somehow my neurons fired enough times to solidify the link between the two concepts.
Is “being” nothingness? If I am still, am I still there?
Stillness.
My mind does not care to respond.
I feel that ever-familiar gulp climbing up my throat; the nervous butterflies in my stomach are beginning to commence their anxious waltz. I am afraid. I don’t want to go there.
As a teenager, I invented drama where there was none. I thrived on intensity. I was never just “unhappy”, I was in painful anguish. I was never simply “satisfied”, I was in exuberant delight! Even ephemeral colds and flu’s seemed like cancer. I lived in great swoops of emotion. Up and down. Down and up. It made me feel something! It was a reminder that I was alive. I fretted that if I were simply “unhappy,” people wouldn’t notice or care. I had to create commotion to attain validation!
Only the stuff of soap operas gains attention, care and concern. Right?
Wrong.
At 19, I met my husband and we began the process of an arranged marriage. Don’t let our current state of contentment fool you. Our first 6 months felt like “misery” to me. In retrospect, I can identify that they were normalized and necessary adjustment points, but, of course, to me, Maham, the soap opera star, they felt like unadulterated agony. For those of you that don’t know, my husband is one of the most stable and satisfied people I have ever met. If I were a leaf blowing around with whichever direction of the wind, my husband was and is a sturdy boulder.
I remember the early parts of our relationship. Oh! I wanted him to love me with urgency and passion. I wanted our relationship to be a fabulous theatrical love story. I wanted all the elements of “The Notebook”, I wanted rage, grief, hope, ecstasy, longing—and I wanted all that every single day, for forever and always. Isn’t that what love is?
Isn’t love chaotic movement? If we are not wanting, longing, fighting and craving, what is left? What is left underneath all of that? Will love still be there? Or will it be nothing?
Do you see a common theme yet?
Once more, my fear of nothingness and stillness peeks its maniacal head out. And to some degree, it always will.
Contentment is unimaginable. Satisfaction is frightening. If our deepest selves are afraid of being still we will find a way to suffer being with another person, regardless of the nobility of their character.
But, here’s a troubling concept to ponder: Have I confused longing with love? Is love characterized by aching, wanting, and craving? Or are those characteristics of fleeting passion?
In terms of fitness, life, and relationships, I find that I, often, long for what I don’t have. I want more. I set goals, and I want to achieve them. After I’ve achieved them, I want to set more goals, and work towards achieving them. Though “wanting” is a necessary motivator for change and growth, is it also the birthplace of dissatisfaction and distress?
There is no rest in “wanting.” Craving does not allow room to foster love and acceptance. It cleverly avoids the existential fear of stillness—of NOT craving, of NOT wanting for things that we don’t have.
So what if we were to step back from our endless cycles of doing and overdoing, and doing again? What if we were to look at all that we do have, and love what we have accomplished thus far? What if we were to look at ourselves as whole beings, without wanting to change a thing—even if its just for a fleeting moment? How would that look like? How would that feel?
Dangerous.
Though my “ups” and “downs” are not as fierce and agonizing as they once were, I still struggle with the idea of stillness. I wrote this post because tonight, at 6:30 pm EST, I am taking my first yoga class after a dry spell of a few months.
Me doing a modified wheel pose at the beach
I ceased my practice, as I became more and more afraid of what the mat brings out in me. It brings out comfort in being, it brings out acceptance for the present moment; it brings out satisfaction and contentment with simply being. But isn’t that exactly what I want?
Yes, and no.
It is exactly what I need. However, parts of me are still frightened of the concept of simply being. What I have learned is that peace and contentment are states of being that require practice. They don’t just come when you graduate college, get to your goal weight, or finish a workout regimen. They don’t magically appear in your new office, your new car, or your new job. They are feelings that require consistent practice to achieve.
I have come a long way since I was a teenager, and though, I still have heaps of room left for improvement, I want to take the time to truly appreciate how far I’ve come. I am thankful for my health, for my legs that can support me from one adventure to the next. I am thankful for my body and my heart; they adapt so beautifully to all the stressful changes life places on them. I am even thankful for my consistently fretting, and worrying mind; its desire to protect me is indomitable and truly admirable! I am thankful for all the little oddities, and imperfections in my soul and appearance. I know that weaknesses are just strengths in the wrong environment.
And, just like that, I’m a little less scared.
Because what if I’m wrong?
What if, behind all that wanting, doing, craving, longing, fighting, dieting, exercising, studying, analyzing, and criticizing, there issomething. Perhaps, behind the endless “doing”, there is EVERYTHING. Perhaps, underneath stillness, there is a place that is truly ALIVE with peaceful satisfying gratitude.
Perhaps, you and I can find endless freedom there.
❤
PS- I would love it if you commented and let me know that I’m not the only one who feels this way or share your biggest fears with me ;P
How do I get lean but small legs? How do I lose stomach fat? What do I eat to lose weight? How do I slim my calves? My quads? How much do you weigh? How many calories do you eat? How many hours do you workout? What types of exercises do you recommend?
Initially, this post was going to consist of me answering your frequently asked questions. However, as I got to thinking about the FAQs from all of you, I was hit with a glaring reality: the most requested blog posts/questions are usually regarding fitness. Getting even more specific, most of the questions within the fitness field are about how to change one’s appearance.
On the surface, this interest seems like admirable curiosity and dedicated ambition to improving oneself, however, the magnitude and fierceness behind the need for fitness “answers” is unsettling. Why is there such FEROCITY behind girls wanting to get rid of that problem spot, or fix their appearance? And do that all in the least amount of time?
Don’t get me wrong! The desire to improve upon oneself is certainly commendable and praiseworthy, however, the panicked INTENSITY behind changing who we CURRENTLY are is troubling and abnormal. I am not trying to isolate the girls who have asked me questions, as I am one of you! I am guilty of doing the same exact thing! I have spent hours upon hours researching how to “slim down bulky quads” or “lose baby fat”, or get rid of acne scars. I am guilty of the same deed. The reason for this post is to address this dangerous and critical epidemic that has infected so many women, including myself.
We have become contaminated with inaccurate information that tells us that we are not good enough. Turn on the TV and look at our commercials. There are ads trying to persuade us to get that cream and cleanser to fix our skin so that we can “gain confidence”; there are companies pushing us to invest in the newest supplements or body wraps so that we can jump-start our weight loss journey; because clearly, there is a scientific correlation between decreasing weight and increased happiness. Right? WRONG.
The entire realm of commercialism invests billions of dollars in attempting to brainwash us into believing that happiness can be bought. If we just had that perfect cream to cure our skin,the perfect supplement to help us lose weight, or the perfect book to change our lives, we would be happy! And, look at our companies. They are bent on trying to convince us that THEY have magically formulated the “perfect” item that is going to give us everything we have ever wanted.
Its absolutely heartbreaking.
It is truly unfortunate to comprehend how deeply these elusive expectations have infected my life. It’s the same sentence OVER AND OVER again, : “I will be good enough when…” …when I get my Ph.d, when the children I don’t even have yet tell me I’m a good mother, when I’m able to complete a marathon, when I have the perfect body, clear skin, etc.
What about now? Why am I not valuable enough to be loved now? I am a work in progress and I will always remain a work in progress. Does that make me invaluable or unlovable?—No, that makes me human.
This brings me back to the numerous questions about fitness—particularly, using fitness to change something that we don’t like about ourselves. We get so stuck in trying to fix what’s wrong with us that we never even stop to figure out why we feel unhappy. What do we not like about ourselves? What makes us unlovable?
We may not like the way we look–we may despise something about our physique or appearance. Some of us may loathe our tendencies–the way we feel, the negative thinking patterns we’ve acquired. Others of us may not be at peace with our behaviors–the things we have done in our lives, the things we may still be doing, the hurt we have caused to ourselves and others. Futhermore, we may be dissatisfed with our circumstances–our career situations, and our relationships.
I get it. It’s not always easy to like yourself. But, when did “being yourself” become such a taboo? Who decreed that we must be in constant competition with one another? So often, I feel as if my life is lost in trying to “conform” to societal norms better than everyone else. Sure, society thinks that helping people is great, but I want to be better than you at making other people feel better. HUH?!?!
And so commences, the dangerously fickle competition.
What if you could love yourself, exactly as you are? Without changing even one thing?
What is holding you back from doing that?
If you really trace it back, it is not the thing you’re bent on changing about yourself. Those muscular quads, the pimples, receding hairlines, odd-shaped noses, the “fat rolls”–these are not the things that are TRULY holding you back. What is, however, holding you back is the self-defeating BELIEF that YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT to be LOVABLE, HAPPY and OKAY.
You don’t.
You can be comfortable with who you are, even if you have imperfections. And even more so, other people can be happy with you too, despite your various imperfections! We are all imperfect. We are all insecure about one thing or the other. Though we may struggle differently, we struggle nonetheless. We know what it feels like to be ashamed, scared of judgement, unhappy, dissatisfied and isolated. Whether we want to be or not, we are connected with one another.
I want us to ACCEPT ourselves exactly as we are. Will you do something with me? Will you aid me in putting a hiatus in the endless cycle of panicked “fixing” “picking” “prodding” “calculating”?
“I love and accept myself exactly as I am, and in doing so, I accept the world and other people exactly as they are.”
Repeat that to yourself, as many times as necessary. Repeat it, even if you don’t believe it yet.
Accept it. You’ve got a lumpy tummy, a big nose, horrible acne, noticeable hyperpigmentation, panic attacks, a stress disorder, a mental illness, a physical illness, thighs that touch, clothes that don’t fit, a list of people you’ve hurt, things that you regret. Accept all of it.
Accept it. And, now, stop looking at it.
It is really the looking, relooking, and oh–that one more look that is killing you. Hush. End it. It is there. Yes, you have an odd-shaped nose. Yes, you are overweight. Yes, your face has pimples. Yes, you really did let that partner get away. Recognize it. See it. And let it be. It is there.
Chances are, it is still going to be there the next 50 times you check too. In conducting this neverending recalculating, looking, remeasuring, and re-analyzing, we all inadvertently MAGNIFY our imperfections and insecurities. Some of us magnify them to the point that when we look in the mirrors that is ALL we see. And, we begin to fearfully fret that THAT is all others see too.
It’s okay. Let them see it.
Accept it all.
It is there.
Let it BE.
And, shift your focus to something else.
By accepting and letting things “be”, you are releasing the WORRY associated with your imperfections, not the imperfection itself. It is all okay. You are not going to become a lazy slug and not get anything done. You are not going to turn into a failing student because you’ve “accepted” that your grades are a certain way. You are not going to gain 300 lbs overnight because you’ve “accepted” that you are currently overweight. You are not going to end up in a mental asylum because you’ve “accepted” that you are currently suffering from clinical depression.
KNOW and BELIEVE that you are going to work from this place. “Rock bottom” is going to become a SOLID and DURABLE foundation to build the rest of your beautiful life upon. You are not going to slip into mediocrity. You don’t have to be uncomfortable with who you are to improve on the person you want to be! Contrary to popular belief, those things are not mutually exclusive. They CAN and DO work together. You CAN be comfortable with what you have, while working towards something better.
You are freaking awesome, but you are going to keep becoming even more awesome-er with each passing day!
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
In our society, there are far too many ludicrous “old-wives tales” and burdensome stereotypes about pregnancy. One such implicates pregnancy to be a time in which expectant women are only allowed to burst with love for the miraculous gift of life they are growing; 
abidmaham 
