Tag Archives: nutrition

Being “not okay”

It’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I was originally going to tell ya’ll that I was just busy with school, and managing other assorted “grown-up” responsibilities. Doesn’t that sound like an understandable reason? Why, yes of course, it does! We’re all busy people. But I can’t honestly say that to you all.

So, why haven’t I really written?

Because, recently, I’ve been in shame.

There’s no nicer way to put it. It is so vital to call this demon for what it is. In the spirit of true honesty, let me just say that even typing the word “shame” made me cringe a little.

 I haven’t written because I haven’t felt worthy enough to write. In addition to feeling low about my appearance, I’ve been having doubts about my character, and whether or not I am good enough. Yes, I know its normal. I KNOW that everyone goes through periods of low self-esteem and spiraling self-worth, however that knowledge doesn’t change the feelings; it, in no way, alleviates the excruciating pain that goes along with the unfortunately familiar belief of “I am not ______ enough.”

I haven’t written because I felt unworthy.

“WHO am I to dish out fitness advice or other sorts of lifestyle inspiration, when I can’t even inspire myself to get out of this low “self-worth” rut?”

Oh, my little devious mind wasn’t done. At it’s worst, it screamed: “You’re a fake, doling out inspiration. You can’t even help your own self, and you want to help other people for a living? What is wrong with you? You’re worthless.”

Mind, I’m going to have to disagree with you.

I am not worthless. I am human.

I am imperfect. Sometimes, I feel great about myself and other times I don’t. Sometimes, I love the way I look; other times, I can’t get any more hideous. I can be a very capable and helpful person, but there are also times that I have to ask for help. In terms of this blog, there are periods of time when I’m bursting with inspiration, and other times the biggest miracle can’t seem to inspire me.

And that is okay.

But it certainly doesn’t FEEL okay.

And I think that’s okay too. Feelings don’t always have to be delightful; sometimes, they are downright  heartwrenching and overwhelming. Ah. The “great” human experience!

Going through phases like this makes me realize that somewhere along my journey on this earth, I, inaccurately, equated “lovable” with being “perfect.” I don’t know why. I don’t know when. But I do know that this is something I struggle with.

Am I going to be loved, accepted, esteemed, and good enough if I don’t have it “all together?” Am I worthy of love even when I’m a raging lunatic, a mourning miser, or ungrateful narcissist? Am I lovable at my worst?

I think so. But, I don’t feel so. And hence, the incongruency arises within my contradicting human experience.

As I was (and still am) climbing out of the valley of shame, I got to asking myself if the defeating beliefs I have about my own worth apply to my beliefs about the worth of others. Would I be incapable of seeing worth in another human being if she/he was “confused” “ugly” “fat” “dumb” (all the loving characteristics we, so often, associate with ourselves)?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” bellows a loud voice inside of me. I believe people are worthy because they ARE, not because of who they could be. There is nothing you or anyone could do (or NOT do) that would make me stop believing that you are worthy. I wholeheartedly and fully believe that you have been worthy since the day you were born—forget that! You’ve been worthy since BEFORE you were born.

Why doesn’t this apply to me?

Because I’m the antichrist. Right?

I am the abomination—the isolated black sheep. The universal laws of “worth” don’t apply to me. Hell, I must be an alien. I’m not even sure how the laws of gravity work on me!

Other people can afford to be “fat” or “ugly”, have acne, not get all A’s etc. Other people can afford to NOT have it all together. Why? Because they are actually GOOD ENOUGH on the inside.

What’s inside of me? It must be a morbid black hole that sucks out all happiness, joy, love, rainbows, puppies, and mermaids. God forbid I feel “fat” or “ugly” or ugh—even worse–fail a test. I, simply, cannot afford that, because there is absolutely nothing to make up for it on the “inside.” I am “worthless” on the inside. As a result , I have to micromanage the outside because that is the ONLY WAY I may have a SHOT at being loved, accepted, and nurtured.

So I may (or may not have) exaggerated a little bit. Though we may KNOW that the preceding things are not true, the feelings we have about ourselves certainly don’t match up! And it’s downright FRUSTRATING.

All hyperboles aside, what is the truth? What is the reality?

The truth is that I am not an alien. Neither are you.

However, shame can be extremely ALIENating. If we listen to our shouting “shame voice”, we are likely to HIDE away. We go into isolation– trying to pick, prod, calculate, measure our flaws, in an attempt to “fix” them before we start interacting with others. That’s the only way we will ever be accepted, right?

Wrong.

–Sigh-

Secrecy and hiding are the birthparents of shame. Sure, we may be accepted when we’ve temporarily “concealed” whatever it is we are ashamed of. But, chances are that we will be more WHOLLY and TRULY accepted if we shared our shame with one another. We are all invested in hiding our flaws—our perceived weaknesses. Some of us are more invested than others, but we are all in the SHAME boat.

And that shame boat is going to SINK because of all the “secret” shame that is piled up on it. You may feel ashamed for different reasons than me, but I can PROMISE you that we both feel crippled when the feeling of “not good enough” strikes yet again.

Let’s take away shame’s power. If we take away secrecy, shame cannot thrive. We all need to start TALKING about it; that is the only way we can stay afloat.

So here I am, taking the first step to let all of you in.  I don’t have it “all together”. I am exposed and vulnerable to the core when I say this: I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A REALLY SH*T PERIOD OF SELF WORTH. And I am just now, SLOWLY, starting to climb out of it.

I haven’t been too fond of myself lately—not the way I look, not the way I am, not the way I do things.

But after sharing this with all of you, I feel more okay. I feel okay with not feeling okay. I feel okay with being imperfect, and most of all, I feel okay with being a fallible little human.

After all, I’m no alien.

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Lemmi give you a PEACE of my mind!

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There is so much relief that comes from not fighting the currents of this life. It’s so nice not having to swim against the tide, and instead spend time floating atop the water. Relinquish control and place your trust in the wisdom of this large ocean. I promise its sage, erudite currents will safely deliver you and I to our next magnificent destination.

When I feel that my energy is off balance,  I love sitting outside and thinking.

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You know the feeling I’m talking about! A certain chakra in your body lets you know that something isn’t right; you may not be able to put your finger on it, but you intuitively feel that something is amiss. We all seem to feel certain things when our core energies are misaligned with that of the magnamonious universe.

However, some of us resort to deal with the resultant anxiety through familiar maladaptive coping mechanisms; there are the obvious ones such as self-harm, substance abuse, eating disorders,  and other obsessive-compulsive tendencies. But then, there are the subtle addictions we use to cope–we may drown ourselves in our careers or an activity; we may foster codependency in our intimate relationships; we may inaccurately project our “identity” onto our children; we may become overly dependent on the approval of others…etc.

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It is okay if you have used one of the preceding mechanisms to cope before. I have used several. This makes you like the 7 billion others of us ❤ It is human nature to act in a manner that reduces anxiety. So, when faced with these unavoidable distressful feelings, what do we do? What do you do?

I drown in the earth.

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Sometimes, I literally build a small “earth castle” around my silhouette, and lay in the earth, allowing my body to absorb its majestic healing energy.

yes. this happens.
yes. this happens.

My body, mind and soul seem to function most efficiently when I’m outdoors. Sitting down and having tea with the world allows me to experience some of the most peaceful feelings I have stumbled upon yet. I just sit on the ground and look all around me until I become a mere observer.

Quietly, I survey and inhale all the yummy sounds, sights and smells around me, all the while rejoicing in my delightful contact with Mother Earth. I continue to lovingly enfold in her arms, until I unknowingly abandon the confining box of my biased preconceptions and charged views about the world; I return to a neutral state of “being.”

Life is bigger than me.

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I begin to notice the wisdom and beauty of nature all around me and I feel so marvelously miniscule compared to everything else. I realize, then, that I’m just one little girl in this big, big universe–that I will spend my allotted time here and  leave this confusing but nevertheless beautiful placejust like all those before me.

I smile and look at the trees, the sky,ground and the grass as I’m endowed with unshakable certainty that they are all supporting me. They are watching over me like omniscient guardians. And I am grateful.

Even when unexpected and seemingly “dreadful” events conspire, I know that, ultimately, the universe is taking care of me, and guiding me towards the extraordinary path that has always been destined for me. I had a purpose before anyone, including myself, had an opinion about it ❤

Ah! And, as I slowly arrive to this realization once more,  the sweet butterflies commence their excited and eager waltz within my stomach!  I begin to have this overwhelming feeling of faith–in this world, it’s creatures and its people. And, I notice a newfound appreciation for myself–because, even I, small little Maham Abid, am part of something so much bigger and more significant than myself.

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I begin to have so much compassion for all of humanity, and how fervidly we attempt to guard the delectable delicacies of this life–its gifts of happiness, love and trust. But, each one of us will neglect these bounties at some point, as we are imperfect; we can’t always understand and take care of all these cherished but ever-so-fragile gifts. We can only try our best.

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Isn’t that what we are all doing? (though some in more twisted, incomprehensible ways than others)? No matter how different we may appear to be, we are all doing the best we can to survive the many powerful, and inevitable forces of life. Day and night, each one of us strives towards the same goal; we all want to make it.

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This understanding gives me the power to rise above smaller battles and find forgivenenss for myself and all other people in this big complex world.

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There is only one love. I was born in love; I am created of it. Therefore, it is only natural that I must give it wholly, and receive it with open-arms.

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1 <3!

I’m burning alive!

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God I have so much shame. I am ugly, disgusting, bad, and dirty. I am worthless. I wish I had nothing to do with me. How is it that I am the creator and receptor of all my hate, mistrust and anger! I feel doomed by myself. God! I cannot believe that I am stuck with me forever. This must be what hell feels like. My permanent doom lies in the fact that I’m destined to share residence with this awful, disgusting repellant of my being.

– An old journal entry of mine

Well, there is some truth to the above passage.

Yes. This is exactly what hell feels like.

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Ever feel absolutely disgusted with yourself, and then even more repelled by your own thoughts about yourself? Me too.

I want us to go visit that dark, demeaning place of self-hate again. I’m hoping that if we go back together, it won’t be as scary. So will you take my hand, so I won’t be so alone?

Are you ready? 1-2-3-JUMP.

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God. I’m burning in this inferno!!! It feels like a million nails are peeling away my burning skin over and over again. Let’s hurry past this layer! I want to go deeper—beyond the self-loathing, because the nauseating abhorrence we feel is actually an illusion. It is a disguise. It is masking the intensely painful feelings of shame and fear that, so often, take over my life–that take over your life.

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Oh god. I thought that burning wrathful inferno was the worst zone, but this–god, this is far more painful. Why is there so much darkness? I feel so empty in this desolate, lonely, and ominously silent substratum. I’m absolutely frightened. I’m so thankful that you are by my side.

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What is this place? Welcome to fear.

We all set these never-ending goals for ourselves—“if I am able to do this by this date and within this time frame, then, and only then, will I be successful. Then, and only then will I love, and accept myself.” I must be __________________ (fill in the blank). I must be a successfully certified counselor; I must get all A’s this semester; I must eat 800 calories a day; I must lose this amount of weight in 3 weeks; I must be able to graduate medical school at the top of my class; My thighs must not touch; I must friends with the “popular” kids; I must be able to speak in public without getting nervous. I must be able to wrestle with a shark in the deepest part of the ocean, while I’m drowning, and still WIN. Might as well add that one on the list, right?

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We put so much pressure on ourselves, and then, we wonder why we feel overworked, exhausted, and overwhelmed. And the most confusing part of all? We still don’t see results. “Wait, wait, wait.  So why the heck are we not achieving our goals even though we are working so damn hard!?”

When we don’t “reach” our goals, we swiftly move onto more planning, goal-setting– more calculating. We take out our whips and try to beat some motivation into ourselves—hoping, that this time, it will be different. Yes, yes. This time we will finally get what we desire.

“I’m gonna make it, because this time, I will accept no failure!” we assertively swear to ourselves!

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How motivating.

In actuality, what’s happening, there, is a foolproof, surefire way to get yourself to fail, yet again. Seriously, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been through that cycle. I’m guessing a lot of you have too.

As we cruelly “goal-set”, we simultaneously give ourselves a debilitating subconscious message: “you MUST do this, and if you don’t do it, YOU are a FAILURE.”

Can you imagine trying to operate under such an overbearing presence? We place crippling, paralyzing pressure on ourselves; we try to cheat ourselves out self-love.

“Shut up, Maham! Nobody’s got time to sit in a cave and work on cultivating self-love. Okay? I have stuff to do.  Don’t you get it? I have to lose this weight before my wedding/before summer/before the world ends.”

I hear you. So, we return to our least favorite, but oh-so-familiar statement.

I will love myself when_________

Don’t you see, my sweet friend? We are all stuck in trying to accomplish our life goals in reverse order! And, it never works out. You know this. You’ve experienced this. It’s like trying to build a skyscraper, without taking the time to establish a proper and durable foundation. Would you like to test climb that building? Yeah, me neither.

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So, we whip ourselves into getting back up, and we try again—only to fall harder and further this time. “OMG! I AM SUCH A FAILURE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? All these other people can accomplish the same thing in 0.00002 minutes and I haven’t been able to do it in a freaking year!”

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We are back in that familiar raging inferno of self-hate. Hey, at least it’s better than that dark fearful layer under it right?

Sweetheart, you’ll be back there again too. It’s a vicious cycle.

We don’t see results that we want–>we panic–> so we put even more pressure on ourselves–> which leads us to fail harder–>the results are still nowhere to be seen.

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How’s that working out for you?

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I’m not mocking you, or looking down on you in any way. I’m not even asking you to become “less uncomfortable” with where you’re at. I know where you’re at; it is really hard. It is gruelingly painful. It may be sucking the very “life” out of your life. I understand because I’ve been there too; I know shame like the back of my hand. I know what it feels like to be in a place where you’re unable to give or receive love; it is impossible to believe people when they say nice things about you because you are so isolated and ashamed.

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What if we try something different? What if we attempt to operate from a place of loving and positive motivation? What if, instead of brutally bludgeoning ourselves for everything we “do wrong”, we make a commitment to appreciate, and pat ourselves on the back for “the few things” we do “right?”

Will that lead to a better chance for success? Will that cause less suffering for you? And for others? I can’t answer those questions for you. I guess you’ll just have to see. I can tell you, however, that trying this changed my life. 

Are you willing to give this a chance?

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ACTIVITY: Think of a goal that you haven’t been able to achieve because you’ve been trapped in the self-hating and fearful cycle we just talked about. Got it? Okay. Now, I want you to commit to writing down 5 things you do “right”, in terms of achieving that goal, every single day. It does not matter how small or big those things are; all that matters is that you physically record them on a sheet of paper, or on a computer. Do this for 10 days and comment below to tell me about your experience ❤

Hey you, you are so flipping loved…by me!

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Let’s get back on track!

foodguilt13Please don’t.

foodguilt11Failure is an event.

Not a person.

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Alright, so we all have those days or periods of time where we veer off track–this may be in terms of school work, fitness regimens, or keeping up with close connections. Today, I want to talk about getting off track in terms of fitness. We may have days of “bad eating” or skipping workouts. This is expected, normal and part of the process. 

Labeling food as “good” or “bad” or “healthy”/ “unhealthy” is a sure way to get trapped in the all-or-nothing perfectionist mentality society promotes. The truth lies in moderation and balance; just like you don’t get “fit” from eating one salad and doing one workout, you will not get “unfit” from eating one “bad” meal or skipping one workout.

The “all-or-nothing” philosophy makes people feel horrible if they think they made a ‘bad’ choice. I’ve heard tons of women say : “I ate _____! God, I am so bad.” Though I agree that some amount of “food guilt” is natural, I strongly believe that a lot of us end up feeling much worse than just the normal “little bit.”

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So many of us let “food guilt” spiral into food shame. “I am a bad person for eating that.” “I am a failure because I didn’t go to the gym.” “God, I suck. I can’t keep food out of my mouth. How am I ever going to look like that?” Food choices don’t make you a bad person – but that is how many people, especially women, talk to themselves. We have to be very careful with “food guilt” as it can quickly become disordered and debilitating.

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So, let’s ditch the shame, and…get back on track! 

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 My Tips for Getting Back on Track 

1. Meal plan! Let’s get some accountability up in here! Plan what you are going to eat, and go grocery shopping! If you only have healthful food in the house, you will only eat healthful food.

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2. Is there a certain food that’s been tripping your diet up? Let’s have a mini-lent. Give up something that’s been screwing up your diet for 10 days. This is not about restriction. This is about regaining confidence in your ability to choose. You are not helpless. You are powerful!

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3. While you are out grocery shopping, get yourself a huge gallon/water bottles of spring water. H20 is going to become your best friend! Drinking water aids in removing toxins from the body, which will be necessary if you’ve had a particularly rough binge period. It also helps in hydrating, elevating mood, and reducing the number on the scales by preventing water retention!

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4. Let’s get some zZzZzZz’s! Try to be in bed earlier and attain more sleep so that you can feel well-rested, and ready to tackle on the new week! Getting 7-8 hrs of sleep/night has been linked to a reduction in overall BMI and weight ❤

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5. Plan your workouts! Make a little chart for the week, and know which workout you are going to be doing on what day 🙂 Take out your markers, stickers, and make it beautiful! Hang it up 🙂 Put it in your workout binder. Try to make this as specific as possible.

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6. Remember to congratulate yourself/give yourself compliments each time you abide by your meal plan/workout plan! A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. I promise. Before each planned meal/workout, whisper to yourself: “I am actively choosing to abide by the plan I have made.” Once you are finished with your planned meal/planned workout, whisper to yourself once more: “Yay! I did it! I knew I was strong enough to do this!”

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7. Avoid weighing yourself, or doing any sort of progress “tests” till after getting back on track. You do not need to assess the damage to fix it. Please please please veer away from measuring yourself, trying on that skinny pair of jeans in your closet, or taking progress pictures. If you have had a particularly rough eating period, your body may be holding onto water weight. Common “binge foods” are usually really high in sodium or sugar which both contribute to water retention. You do not need the scale to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do.

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8. Take a yoga class. If you cannot afford a yoga class, or if you do not have access to local yoga studios offering classes, visit youtube. Search some meditative yin-yoga or vinyasa flow yoga. Try to do this for at least 20-60 minutes, and remember to focus on your breath. “By its very nature, the breath is not graspable; there is nothing at all to hold on to. Our breath, therefore, provides an immediate connection with impermanence as we experience it by continually arising and dissolving back into space. Using the breath as the object of meditation introduces us to the fundamental groundlessness of life. It allows us to experience letting go.”

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9. Buy a “get well soon” card for yourself, and write yourself a letter. In the card, speak to yourself as if you were speaking to a best friend. Explain that you understand that you have been going through a hard time, and that you also acknowledge how down you may be feeling. At the same time, however, remind yourself of the immense courage that lies within you. If you don’t feel that you are ready to do this activity for yourself, buy a few “I’m thinking of you” cards and write thoughtful letters to a few close friends letting them know that you are thinking of them. Kindness has a way of accidentally spilling happiness into any circumstance!

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10. This one is my favorite! POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS! ❤ Make a vision board of yummy positive affirmations that help you feel good, and remind you to be gentle with yourself. If you are short on time, just create a folder on your laptop, and download pictures from the Internet that remind you to forgive yourself. I am going to post a few from my own folder to get you started ❤

FAVORITE! Seriously, say this to yourself, over and over and over and over and over again! Okay. Now say it one more time. So important!
FAVORITE! Seriously, say this to yourself, over and over and over and over and over again! Okay. Now say it one more time. So important!
Forgiveness is so powerful! It is the quality of leaders!
Forgiveness is so powerful! It is the quality of leaders!
Remember that in order to be all the "good things", you have to go through the bad things. This rough time means that you're one step closer to being more AWESOME!
Remember that in order to be all the “good things”, you have to go through the bad things. This rough time means that you’re one step closer to being more AWESOME!
This one always makes me smile! Imagine the freedom baby! Do you want to be free? I know I do!
This one always makes me smile! Imagine the freedom baby! Do you want to be free? I know I do!
Seriously. How well has hating yourself been working out for you? Einstein said that "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Let's not be insane and try something different :)
Seriously. How well has hating yourself been working out for you? Einstein said that “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Let’s not be insane and try something different 🙂
This one is a good one to remember in terms of whatever you're going through! All the "not-so-good" feelings are just a precursor to MAGIC!
This one is a good one to remember in terms of whatever you’re going through! All the “not-so-good” feelings are just a precursor to MAGIC!
So true! The only diet that will ever work will be one that includes self-love.
So true! The only diet that will ever work will be one that includes self-love.
A quick and easy affirmation to lead each day with!
A quick and easy affirmation to lead each day with!
Think of your favorite fitness guru. They are pretty freaking awesome right? Well, guess what? They are made up of the same magical stuff that you are.
Think of your favorite fitness guru. They are pretty freaking awesome right? Well, guess what? They are made up of the same magical stuff that you are.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing!
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing!
Are you going to act out of fear or love today?
Are you going to act out of fear or love today?
This is a good old simple reminder to all of us. This is not our first mistake. This will not be our last one either. We are young, and we are all children of the universe. We are going to screw up...a lot.
This is a good old simple reminder to all of us. This is not our first mistake. This will not be our last one either. We are young, and we are all children of the universe. We are going to screw up…a lot.
No one has the right to make you feel worthless. Not even you.
No one has the right to make you feel worthless. Not even you.
If you are really deep in shame, and the preceding pictures were unable to help you, then I know one thing for sure. You are ready to get past this hell of a period. Are you ready to leave it all behind? Well guess what you have to do? FORGIVE YOURSELF.
If you are really deep in shame, and the preceding pictures were unable to help you, then I know one thing for sure. You are ready to get past this hell of a period. Are you ready to leave it all behind? Well guess what you have to do? FORGIVE YOURSELF.
This one is going to work for everyone. If you cannot seem to forgive yourself, regardless of what you say or do. Do this: Accept that you cannot forgive yourself, and FORGIVE yourself for not being able to forgive yourself. You are free.
This one is going to work for everyone. If you cannot seem to forgive yourself, regardless of what you say or do. Do this: Accept that you cannot forgive yourself, and FORGIVE yourself for not being able to forgive yourself. You are free.

❤ YAY! WE ARE ALL FORGIVEN ❤

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So, in summary:

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Bend ‘n stretch!

Lets talk stretching. So many poses. So many stretches. Ya’ll have probably heard the importance of stretching in injury prevention, and in elongation of tight muscles. So, I won’t bore you with information you already know, but I do have to say this: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE TIME TO STRETCH! 

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I use my legs quite a lot, as the workouts I do are either a)cardio, or b) high intensity plyometric movements (AKA lots of jumping). Consequently, most of my stretches are centered around….tada…my legs!

In my workouts, I usually stretch twice. The first time around, I stretch after doing some light cardio (5 min walk/jog to warm up). I also stretch after finishing my workout. When I’m stretching, I hold each pose for about 30-45 seconds! You should feel a slight pull, and some healthy tension. This is good, as it may be indicative of you increasing your flexibility.

However, it should not HURT or ache in any manner. Please be careful. Don’t go pulling your pretty little muscles!

Without further delay, here are some of my favorite stretches!

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This is your basic reach. I repeat this with each leg, and I finish with putting both legs together, and touching my toes!

Screenshot_2014-08-04-15-02-28-1This is the pigeon-pose. I cross one leg underneath my tummy, and stretch long with the other one. Repeat on the other side.

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Hey guess what? You can also get an awesome quad stretch by altering the pigeon pose just a little bit! Yay!

IMG_20140804_161043This is a modified version of the basic reach again. Since you’re positioned vertically, this time around, it’s really working the backside of your legs!

IMG_20140804_161455Dancer’s pose ❤ Great for an overall leg stretch!

Screenshot_2014-08-04-14-46-57-1Modified lunge!

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The butterfly pose! This is a great inner-thigh stretch! Just hold both feet together, and push your tummy closer to your thighs. Most people do this stretch ineffectively, as they want to get their foreheads to touch their toes. I did this too, until my yoga instructor told me otherwise! The best way to stretch the inner thigh or adductor muscles is to lean your hips/lower tummy towards your thighs. This way, your back remains straight, and unrounded.

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This one is great for the hip flexors!!!!! I discovered it recently and I fell in love with it! Cross one leg over the other. Make sure that both of your sit-bones are touching the ground! Now reach as far as you can. You should feel the best kind of pinch in the back of your hip. Bahh. is it obvious that I’m kinda sorta obsessed with this one? And, on the plus side, I feel like a cat doing this pose.

Yay! Now go stretch!

Seriously.

Go. Your muscles will give you little kisses.

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All it takes is all you’ve got

Ever heard someone say: “you’re all you’ve got”?

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Yeah. Yeah. We hear it all the time. A part of us may even register that when we get down to the literal aspect of things, we really are all we have. We are the ones who inhale the oxygen, break down food into usable energy, and use water to sustain our literal lives.

Let’s change one word in the above mentioned statement.

How about “you’re all you NEED”?

Like me, some of you may agree with that statement. I mean, I KNOW that it’s true. I think most of us do. But, how many of us can say that we truly, without a doubt, BELIEVE that we are all we need?– that we possess all the resources, connections, and tools we need to, not just, survive but to create a fulfilling and meaningful life?

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Do you believe it?  Would you like to believe it?

How ironic is it that in the most significant moments of our lives, we are alone? When we come out of our mothers womb, we are alone. When we are faced with death, we are alone. We came into this world with no one, and we will leave with no one.

What if we truly are strong enough to deal with life? And not just deal with it–but really mold a colorful, and beautiful one?

I think that if we truly believed that we are all we really need—that we are enough, there would be much less fear in the world. Violence, hatred, envy, harm—these are all sons and daughters of fear.

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On a global level, fear has been masked as tyranny and terrorism. We only feel the need to oppress other beings because we feel threatened. We “need” to create a hierarchy so that we can establish that “I am stronger/higher/smarter/better than you.” But, why would we need to assert our control over others if we believed that we were enough, by ourselves?

On a more individual level, fear has refracted into countless rays: addictions, abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders. You name it. Why would we need to turn to alcohol, drugs, food, other people, and other things if we, 100%, believed that we were enough—that everything we needed to create a meaningful and satisfying life was already within us?

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I really want us to think about that statement. What if all the things we have ever wanted and have been within us this since the day we were born? Entertain this thought with me, for a second.

If that was truly the case, the first change we would see within individuals, within families, and consequently, within the world would be a reduction in fear. There would be markedly less frantic, fearful, hasty energy demolishing Mother Earth.

Imagine how it would feel to really believe that… to believe that you are all you need. You are enough.

In fact, I want all of you to do something silly with me.

I want all of you to scream “hello”, loud inside your head. Let it ring inside of you.

“H-E-L-L-O-!”

Notice, that there are two different presences inside of you. There is a voice that bellowed “hello”, and there was a different presence that, simultaneously, heard the “hello.”

There was a voice that spoke, and there was a voice that listened.

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So often, the only voice we hear is the loud one–the one that speaks, barks, criticizes, ridicules, judges. What about the other voice? The one that isn’t as charged? The one that resides in the deepest part of us, and simply observes.

I want to share something with you, girls. I wrote a letter for you. From you to you. From me to me.

I want for the wise voice within you that listens to say these words to the frightened, panicked voice that, so often, speaks.

I know. I hear you. I know it feels like the world is going to crumble sometimes. I’m hearing your panic. I’m hearing your voice. No one is ignoring you. I’m here. It is going to be okay. I know that a part of you is petrified. And, I so, wholeheartedly appreciate and honor that part. Look at how brilliantly resilient you are! Look at you throwing these resourceful solutions to me about turning to alcohol, or drugs, or food, or other addictions. I don’t hate you for saying those things. I don’t think you’re bad for saying them.

Instead, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for trying to protect me. I want to thank you for sensing that I’m scared, and I want to thank you for trying to resolve the fear in ways that we’ve previously dealt with it. But angel, I need you to hear me when I say that it’s safe. You are okay. You are going to be loved and accepted. You already are. You deserve to be cared for, to be loved, and valued. And I am here to take care of you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. Nothing you can/will do is going to make me turn away from you this time.

I realize that its going to take you a little bit of time to realize that I am here to stay. But I am no longer going to ignore you, or push you into the dark. I am not going to beat your bones till they are broken, or mentally annihilate you. You are and never were bad, wrong, or not enough. Deep down, I know that all you’ve ever wanted was to feel okay—to feel loved, accepted and cared for.

You want to feel like you have a home. You want to be accepted, understood, and valued for just being you, at this moment in time—no expectations, no strings attached. There will be no more: “I love you when’s…” You are enough, now. And no matter how scary that is, I want you to know that I am working on accepting and loving you the way you desire.

I am making the choice to take care of you, and to honor you. You may not have received that essential love, approval, and value when you were only a child. But you grew up. I grew up.  A part of me is capable of helping you now—for giving you all that you have ever wanted.

I’ll need your help. Will you help me, sweetheart?

I’m not asking for you to discard your fears, or your concerns about being alone. Being isolated, alone, and abandoned are really scary things. I am not asking you to throw away your apprehensions, because I know that this situation is unfamiliar. For so long, I have pushed you away; this fearful relationship between us is what has kept us functioning. This is how you survived. This is how WE survived. But I am imploring with you to allow me to reach out to you now. I’m asking your permission to let me in.

I am not your best friend who betrayed you. I am not your mother who abused you. I am not the boyfriend who cheated on you. I am none of those people that hurt you in the past. I know that I may have pushed you away, but I want you to know that it was NEVER because I wanted to hurt you. It was never because I thought not you were bad, unworthy or unlovable. It was and has always been about me being scared too. I pushed you away because the intensity with which you need me scares me.

I don’t know how to handle the loneliness you feel. I am afraid that I won’t be able to be enough for you—that I’ll fail you.

I know it’s a risk. It’s a really scary thought to think that, together, we can make it. But if you give me a chance, I am willing to understand and try to be what you need. I will not let you down. I will fight for you.

I’m here now, telling you that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live wholly and fully. I realize that you’re scared to hope, because a lot has been taken away from you. It’s been really hard. You’ve had to shut off so many parts of yourself to make it this far.

I’m so thankful to you for allowing me to feel your pain. I honor your apprehension but I see the immense courage that you already have. I’m so amazed at your strength. Your will to survive, and to be heard is incomparably astounding. You never gave up. You may have tried to feel loved, accepted, and cared for in really bizarre and maladaptive ways, but you never gave up. I am so thankful to you for not giving up despite what other people said, or what circumstances brought.

I am most thankful, however, that you did not give up on being heard, despite how cruel I was to you. I know that I am not perfect, but I am willing to try. I am here to tell you that I am willing to try to accept you, to love you, and to show you, that together, we are enough. We are all we’ve got, and we are all we need.

 

Embrace all parts of yourself
Embrace all parts of yourself

Slimming down bulky, muscular legs

 

These are both pictures of my legs at different times
These are both pictures of my legs at different times

I feel like this deserved a blog post on its own because this is probably my most FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION.

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Okay, so by “rarely” I mean that I do not do repetitive leg exercises that target isolated leg muscles such as lunges/squats/calf raises. I may do a set here and there, however that’s really it. If I do decide to do the above mentioned isolated exercises, I tend to make them plyometric movements. What does this mean? In simple terms, this means: “ADD A JUMP”. Jump lunges, jump squats, jumping calf raises. I do these as fast as possible without causing fatigue. As soon as I feel the burn coming on, I STOP and rest before repeating.

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As a mesomorph with a relatively low body fat percentage, I TEND TO GAIN MUSCLE LIKE NO TOMORROW. Even slight increases in muscle size look quite noticeable, as there isn’t a substantial amount of subcutaneous adipose tissue (fat) covering them.

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So MIIT/MISS is my ARESNAL for training my legs! I’ve found that, personally, I cannot go wrong with this type of training. So, what is this?

MISS: moderate intensity steady state cardio: stay at a moderate heart rate zone for > 25 minutes.

MIIT: moderate intensity interval training cardio: train at a moderate-higher intensity heart rate zones, step off to the side/slow down to allow your heart rate zone to drop into the moderate/low training heart rate zones. Speed up again to push heart rate back up. Make sure you are not staying at your high intensity zone for too long. You should barely be entering it.

These are my heart rate zones. To figure out YOUR heartrate training zones, visit this page, and follow the directions: http://www.runningforfitness.org/calc/heart-rate-calculators/hrzone

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This post is about actively losing MUSCLE. So this post is mainly geared towards lovely people who feel that that their legs feel excessively “hard”/lack cellulite/feel bulky. If you find that you have more fatty tissue, you must do all types of cardio/eat at a greater deficit to decrease your overall body fat percentage and weight.

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I recommend doing cardio with a very light meal prior to it. I, personally, can’t do fasted cardio, as I feel faint, and dI have passed out from it before. So why a light meal? Well, the only time that there may ever a need for your body to turn to your muscles for fuel is in the late stages of extreme endurance running. When glycogen or carbohydrate stores are depleted, your body will turn to the only fuel source left — amino acid proteins in your skeletal muscles. Only then, will it turn these into glucose for fuel.

So please note that losing muscle is HARD. Our bodies do not, naturally, want to do this. So please be patient with yourself during this process.

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By the same token as above^^, we don’t want to rebuild this muscle, as we are looking to LOSE some bulk. I recommend simply having a carb instead of protein so that you can refuel your glycogen stores. Snack on these carbs in moderation, as once your stores are replenished, the excess will be stored as fat.

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The cardio i do is usually my mixed cardio routine posted a few slides ago. Sometimes it’s purely MISS/MIIT depending on my body, energy level, and lethargy. I want to quote something I read on wayofgray’s profile yesterday

Actually enjoy the foods you’re eating and workouts you’re doing. I love HIIT and my predominantly plant based diet, and that’s why I stick to it. If you hate running on a treadmill, try something else! I promise that you’ll find something you enjoy!

It is so important to LISTEN to your own body. So, if you get anything out of this post at all, please let it be the following: DO NOT KILL YOURSELF TRYING TO ADAPT TO THIS PROGRAM. This is what worked for my particular body type. You are SO wholeheartedly encouraged to tweak my recommendations to help YOU achieve what you desire.

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You got this 😉 Please remember to stretch! This will be key!

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❤ yourself. Because I love you!

My #1 Fitness Tip

You spend all of this time looking up workouts for a “lean, slender body.” Hours and hours on the Internet and social media leave you nothing but more confused. One person says do this much cardio; the other person says not to do cardio at all. Weights are key? Avoid weights like a plague? Huh?

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In a world full of paradoxical recommendations, the greatest teacher–the greatest personal trainer that will guide you to attain your goal is…-drum roll please-….YOUR body! You can try tons of new things, but nothing– no method, no “perfect work out plan” will let you know how certain exercises and diet affect you like your own body.

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The previous statement reminded me of something that one of my esteemed idols, Carl Rogers, said.

Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person’s ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me. Neither the Bible nor the prophets — neither Freud nor research –neither the revelations of God nor man — can take precedence over my own direct experience. My experience is not authoritative because it is infallible. It is the basis of authority because it can always be checked in new primary ways. In this way its frequent error or fallibility is always open to correction.” —From On Becoming a Person, 1961

Do you see any trends in the words that I highlighted? As we truly “grow”, we begin to have more trust in our own experience rather that which is preached “common knowledge.” We, not only, minimize questioning the validity of our own experience, but also begin to appreciate that it is US who possess the strength, fortitude, and resolve to process and move through our respective experiences.

I, consistently, receive questions from innocent minds regarding fitness and “what to do” to obtain a certain body type. This leads me to believe that so many of us, including me, have been guilty of forsaking our bodies as our greatest guides. When we feel that something isn’t working in terms of “fitness”,  our default cognitive resort is to blame/criticize and at worst, punish, our bodies. What are we doing wrong?

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“WHY isn’t this working for me!?” we cry! “I’ve seen 10,000 transformations of girls all over the world who have had near miraculous results”

Defeated and tired, we return to the same UNDERLYING dejected, dismal self-belief: “there is something wrong with me. I am flawed. I am not like the others. I don’t belong. Therefore, I’m unworthy.”

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Honestly, let’s call it for what it is. We feel ASHAMED. According to one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, “shame is the intensely painful feeling  of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the fear that something failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection, love and belonging.”

So what do I do? What do YOU do? Nobody wants to feel this intensely painful feeling.

Humor me, for a second.

By default, you get up the next day. You pick, prod, push, and force your body to the same thing, hoping that if you just FORCE it hard enough, you will become one of those 10,000 positive transformations.

But, you already know that’s not what happens.

You end up getting MORE frustrated when “the damned thing” doesn’t DO what you “tell it to do!” and, Alas! The vicious cycle of self-hate, self-loathing, and isolation continues to menacingly spin round and round; it increases in magnitude each time it spins, so that the next time you feel this way, it can devour you.

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I want you to step out of that cycle for a moment. I know where you are. I’ve been there too. I am willing to bet, every single girl living in today’s world has been there at some point.

I know you’re hurting. Come take my hand, sweet girl. Let’s step out of this familiar inferno for a moment.

If we delve a little bit deeper….a little bit more…Ah. There it is! Underneath the superficial layer of frustration & anger, I promise you we will, all, find something far too recognizable.

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-Sigh-

We have become afraid of our bodies. I did, and I’m willing to bet that somewhere along the way, you became afraid of your body too. You start feeling paranoid, delusional– that it has somehow, acquired, a mind of its own. And, this mind–it is no friend of yours. In fact, it’s consistently plotting against you; your body is going off on its own vendetta, and destroying all the hard work you’ve put into it. There it is, laughing maniacally at your demise–like a scary clown with razor blades as fingernails. You’re afraid of it. It’s bad and scary.

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So, you subconsciously dissociate “yourself” from your body.Your body becomes the “bad, evil villain” and you–you are its noble victim. Countless research has shown that human beings split these two entities, in order to reduce the anxiety and conflict that arise from two irreconcilable experiences. On one hand, you’re working so hard to attain a certain body type, and on the other hand, you’re not getting any results. In fact, if anything, you look “worse” than before you started TRYING!

But, isn’t it ironic though? That even to dissociate yourself from your body, your mind and body must work together to create that very thought! Oh sweet, precious girl, don’t you see? Nothing is working against you. On the contrary, everything is working with you.

You’ve been stuck in this power struggle between the “good” and “bad” parts of yourself; you’ve spent an exhausting amount of energy separating them-attempting to hide the “bad” and radiate only the “good.” Hoping that maybe, just maybe, by isolating your body from your mind, by isolating the “bad” from the “good”,  you will attain acceptance, alignment, and most of all, safety. I know this, because I’ve been there too.

Sweet friend of mine, don’t you know that restrictive separation can never lead to wholeness–to fulfillment, to love, to connection, to oneness?

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I wonder what would happen if we actually began to LISTEN to and honor our bodies. Because our bodies, they aren’t plotting against us. In fact, they are RELENTLESS in their attempts to try to communicate with us. They create rumbles and grumbles in our stomachs. They speak through delays in bowel movements, through the color of our urine, the ache in our joints and muscles. They express themselves through the antsy shaking of the leg, through our changing levels of energy and lethargy throughout the day. They articulate our stress through the tension held in our shoulders. They shout for joy by means of the adrenaline surge we get when we run (or as I’d like to think of it, when we fly 🙂 ) They yammer via uncontrollable laughter and tummy aches. They whisper in agony through frowns, furrowed brows, tears welling in irises–through the broken pacing of our breath.

So how can the best advice I can give to you, in fitness, and in life  be anything other than to TRUST yourself? To trust your body. To trust ALL parts of yourself. Your mind, body and spirit are meant to be in concordant harmony.

You may have forgotten, but let me remind you, that your body was the FIRST thing to ever make a lifelong vow to you. She made this promise before your family, before your friends, before your lovers, and before your mind.

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“I, your body, take you to be my partner, to have and to hold you, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. I promise to love and to cherish you, from this day forwards until death do us apart.”

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It is your most loyal companion. It is your lioness.

Practice makes IMperfect: the Art of Yoga

Recently, I’ve been walking down “memory lane” in regards to my intimate relationship with yoga practice.

Me doing a modified wheel pose at the beach
Me doing a modified wheel pose at the beach

My relationship with yoga was not one that Taylor Swift sings about. There were no “sparks flying.” I wasn’t enchanted to encounter it. In fact, my initial motivation for starting it was so that I could “give my muscles a good stretch” and get in even more “real” badass workout sessions!

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The thing with with me is that I have, naturally, always been a “do-er”. I want to plan, calculate, fret, run, shout, MOVE. I want to do. I acquire a sense of safety in consistently “doing”. It’s like I’ve been in this race ever since I was born, but someone forgot to inform me of what I was racing for! Just do. Do. Do. Do. I don’t know why. I don’t even want to stop and wonder why. Leave me alone. I’m too busy aimlessly doing something, doing anything.

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The thing with yoga is that it is a practice of being. It asks nothing of you, except for the most fundamental task–to breathe. You can imagine how confounding this principle was for somebody who has a propensity to want to do anything but simply “be.” It’s ironic, because my first classes were in restorative/meditative yoga, and I clearly remember, that I didn’t like those too much.

I surprised myself by not giving up on the practice entirely, and decided to take a vinyasa flow class. This type of yoga practice is more active, as it emphasizes meditation IN movement. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: so much of the pain I have felt in my life was acquired in movement–rapid, violently fast exchanges that left me breathless, crippled and left my world spinning. They don’t kid when they say life hits you hard. Since so much of my pain was acquired in movement, it is only natural that so much of my healing has occurred in it too.

Unlike running, I don’t attain the immediate sense of endorphins that accompany physical activity in yoga. No, no, no. Yoga can’t be that blunt. It’s a clever little swindler! The effects of yoga almost sneak in, without any notice, into my everyday life. I suppose the the benefits of my practice are subconsciously registered, and seem to unveil themselves as momentary expressions of self-compassion, kindness and love.

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I think it’s because the mind lives in cognitive intelligence, whereas the heart resides in intuition. Yoga seems to enable my heart to return to its oldest, most primitive roots of wisdom. My mind, my trusty “do-ing” steed,  is unable to rationalize and comprehend this regressive process–this return to a familiar love, a familiar truth that has always been within me.

The mind seeks out to discover finality–it gains a sense of accomplishment through paths that lead to a final destination. It searches. It moves. It does. Whereas, the heart– the childlike, trusting naive heart–it just experiences. It rejoices innocently in the beauty of present adventure.

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My kindhearted readers, I cannot explain the “why’s” of how yoga has allowed me to feel so expanded and whole. I can, however, promise you that if you, silently, watch me as I practice, you will not only see, but also be able to  FEEL the expansion process. Because it is an experience. It demands to be felt.

The heart’s “knowledge” is an accumulation of fearless experiences–an amalgamation of organic, whole experiencing that is left unaffected, and unregulated by mental processing. So, though, yoga and running give me very different experiences, both share one undeniable similarity: they allow me to become vulnerable. They give me permission to fail, to fall, to mess up, to laugh, and to try again.

At their very essence, they grant me sanctification to simply “be” human. I leave the mat, or track, liberated, humbled, and more open. Most of all, however, I leave, more in touch with myself–my deepest, age-old soul. I leave with a heart shining full of love and light. I am once again electrocuted back to life, in the most gentle of ways. I am truly and wholeheartedly awake.

9306706 My relationship with yoga was not one that Taylor Swift sings about. There were no “sparks flying.” I wasn’t enchanted to encounter it. My love for yoga was not one that was seductive in nature. It did not erupt with volatile passion, or consist of aching restless nights.

No. It was more subtle–almost like two pieces of a puzzle finding one another, merging together, without anyone having the slightest clue that they were ever even apart to begin with.

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“Love, itself, is what is left over when being in love has burned away.”

Namaste.

❤ a few of pictures of my silly imperfect, but beautiful practice ❤

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This is me practicing a personally invented yoga pose with my favorite man who anchors me to being.
This is me practicing a personally invented yoga pose with my favorite man who anchors me to being.

Niftiest little workout buddy: The JUMPROPE <3

Alright ladies, get ready for a life long affair!

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I absolutely love the jump rope. It is the most affordable and convenient workout gadget created in the history of EVER! If I could ever only do one form of cardio, I would choose jump roping!

Why do I love it so much? Well, according to Gray Cook, a Performance athlete, jumping rope is an exercise that is “self-limiting.” So, speak english woman. What does this mean?

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It means that, poor technique will truly prevent you from performing the exercise! The rope will catch on your foot; you’ll whip yourself across the shins; you may even trip and fall on your face, but one thing is for sure: poor jumping techniques will NOT be reinforced. The rope will be your teacher. You simply cannot train effectively, if your technique is incorrect.

This brings me to another important point: injury prevention. A few of you have asked me how I’m able to do high intensity training at this frequency without getting an overuse injury? Shin splints? Fractures?Ligament tears?

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The thing with injuries is that they are primarily caused by three major things:

1.Overuse.

2.Improper shoes

3.Poor form

So, for #1- I take adequate rest days. I also try to mix up what types of exercises I do when I perform high intensity training. I will not run two consecutive days in a row. If I ran on Monday, let’s say, I’ll do the elliptical on Tuesday, take a rest day on Wednesday, run on Thursday, jump rope on Friday and do the elliptical trainer again on Saturday! This way, I’ll be getting my cardio in, while putting more emphasis on slightly different muscular groups each day!

#2- Improper shoes. Ugh. I cringe when I write about this one, as I got an illiotibial band injury earlier this year, as a RESULT of improper shoe-wear. I couldn’t RUN for 3 months! 😦 (However, on the positive side, I got to discover lots of cool ways of cross training!) After I healed properly, I went to a rad running store where they videotaped me running on a treadmill, analyzed my foot patterns, and informed me that I naturally tend to over-protonate. So, long story short: I got fitted for proper shoes! This leads me to another one of my most frequently asked questions!

What shoes do I wear?

For cross-training and plyometric exercises, I wear the Mizuno wave inspire 10s.

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For running, jogging, jumping rope, and walking, I wear Asics Gel Kayano 20s.

asics-womens-kayano-blue-main #3-Injury prevention. Now, this is where the jump-rope will become your best friend.

Other forms of endurance work such as running, cycling and using the elliptical training can reinforce poor form, without us ever realizing it! There are far too many uncontrollable variables (ie; chest posture, whether or not you’re landing on your toes or your heels, stride length, etc). THIS variability can lead to injuries! Jumping rope, on the other hand, does not ALLOW you to sacrifice technique. If you are able to jump rope for long periods of time, you’re probably doing it “right.”

Alright alright! So you get it. Jumping rope is awesome. You’re sold. Let’s get to the techniques and recommendations!

Material of rope: I recommend a PVC speed rope, with light, and long plastic handles. (Refer to the picture at the beginning of this blog!)

How to choose the rope length: Stand on the center of the cord. The handle tips should reach your armpits. When you jump over the rope, the rope should just brush the floor beneath your feet. If the cord doesn’t touch the floor, the rope is too short. If the cord hits the floor in front of your feet, the rope is too long and should be shortened.

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Tips for beginners- Feet 

  • Stand tall with your feet together.
  • When you jump and land, make sure there is a very slight bend in your knees to prevent locking out and injuries.
  • Jump like a barbie. Yes, males, you as well! This means you should be jumping like you are wearing 6 inch stilettos. Heels should be lifted, and should NEVER make contact with the ground. Stay on your TIPPY TOES! Land on your tippy toes. Jump from your tippy toes. When in doubt, TIPPY TOES. Got it!?
  • You should not be jumping mountain height. Okay? Let’s get real. This rope is a few cm’s in width. It really does not need 3 feet to get out from underneath your feet. Optimally, you should only be jumping an 1/8th of an inch off the ground!

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If you find that you are “hurting” while you jump, most likely: you are jumping too high or NOT staying on your tippy toes. 

Tips for beginners- arms 

  • Keep your forearms not too near, and not too far from you. There should only be a few inches distance between your body and the position of your forearms.
  • The movement that causes the rope to spin should originate from the WRISTS. Your forearms and upper arms should be, at best, stationary.

❤ INTERESTING FACT ❤

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Victoria Secret trainer Michael Olijade Jr. swears by the jump rope to train his angels. So have no fear ladies! Jumping rope will NOT bulk your legs up. 

Now, go jump away my little nymphs! I’ll be posting a video on my Instagram page that covers basic jump rope moves that you should start with, and master, prior to jumping around like a fool like me 😉

❤ ya’ll!