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First and foremost, happy full moon in Scorpio! Yes it’s happening today!
April’s full moon rises on April 23 at 7:49 p.m. ET; it will stay true to its full shape for three days.
For those of you who are familiar with the significance of 3-6-9, take note of the fact that the full moon will reign the skies for three days.
Full moons have a tendency to illuminate the darker aspects of our selves that we usually tend to ignore. They are commonly associated with overwhelming feelings of upheaval, change and transformation. This full moon in Scorpio is no different; in fact, it is probably going to feel even MORE “heavy” for those of us who tend to be energetically sensitive; Scorpio full moons are especially known for their fervor and intensity.
Therefore, it is reasonable to expect heightened emotions during this time. My first suggestion is to please be gentle with yourself. It can feel disconcerting to lean into these amplified “darker” feelings; but, try not to be fearful of the shadows that emerge underneath this full moon. Offer yourself an overwhelming amount of compassion and grace as we all move through this astrological shift.
My second suggestion is to really allow yourself to FEEL the depth, height and width of your experience; immerse yourself wholly while challenging yourself not to REACT in spite of the discomfort. I’d like to remind us all that we are still amidst a Mercury retrograde in Aries that will wrap up on April 25th.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the effects of Mercury retrogrades, I encourage you to do your own research in an attempt to tease out where your life may be affected. In general, retrogrades are associated with confusion, delays, and miscommunication. During these times, people are warned to NOT make any major life decisions or changes. Important decisions should be delayed till our deepest selves feel more astrologically aligned; that is because mercury retrogrades are linked to a jarring disruption in logic, rationality and effective interpersonal communication.
So what does this all mean for us?
It is wise to expect a proclivity towards impulsive outbursts, emotional upheavals and sudden changes of the mind and heart. If the combination of a mercury retrograde and full moon in Scorpio aren’t overwhelming enough, the fact that this full moon squares itself in Pluto makes it all the more engulfing. Pluto is the planetary ruler of Scorpio so the darker motifs associated with this scorpion moon are even more amplified.
Pluto aims to shatter existing constructs only to rebuild them in a way that is more conducive to our life path. The parts that feel really “bad” can be attributed to Pluto’s aggressive nature of intervention; shifts in Pluto are usually sudden, and piercing; They often leave us feeling like we are out of control.
Please remember though, this is all temporary; we are in the middle of a transition. In the moment, it may feel like things are “falling apart”, and that is okay. If we stay grounded, and practice patience, most of us will find that things are are actually coming together. The Universe is simply deconstructing unhelpful parts of our lives that are no longer serving us; in time, we will witness these constructs reassembled in a way that feels more congruent & aligned with our Highest Selves.
To reap the benefits of this transformative shift, we must refrain from reactivity; we must think (A LOT MORE than we usually do) before we act. Some would say inaction may be the best path for now. There is a time for potential growth and a time for kinetic growth. This full moon in Scorpio is definitely one that focuses more on increasing our potential energy. This feels like intense feelings brewing within–almost as if our psyches are in a pressure cooker. Oftentimes, panic and fear resurface–urging us to ACT, right then and there–just so we can reduce the discomfort in the “here and now”.
However, this is not the time to move or act. This is the time to let ourselves be moved by the Universe’s actions; it is about sitting back, and allowing the discordant sensations to move within us. It’s about tolerating stressful emotions without reacting impulsively.
Yes, the Universe is kind and loving, but ultimately our experience of its “goodness” is limited by how much space we create for it inside of ourselves. Oftentimes, we unknowingly keep parts of the Universe “out” because we WANT to portray ourselves in the best light; we do not want to uncover the darker, primal parts of our selves, and that is okay. It is completely natural for human beings to avoid painful realizations about themselves.
However, this does cause a “blindness” of sorts because “we” tend to recall memories & events in a way that makes us the “good guy”, freeing us of culpability. It is human nature to deflect blame on everyone else and anything else. It takes courage and time before we can acknowledge the “miniscule”, very “tiny” role we may have played in a destructive situation. The Universe, however, does not have a bias. It sees us for exactly what and who we are. It know all parts of us–even the ones we try to so desperately to repress. The cosmos never fails to rectify the skewed narratives we tell ourselves; It is not afraid to illuminate the parts of our stories that blind us to our own accountability.
At this full moon, lean into the darker aspects of yourself; become willing and open to see those parts of you that haunt you–the parts of yourself that you fear, despise or want to damage. Try and LOOK at the obsessive patterns that keep manifesting the same undesired outcomes in your life.
Avoid shame, and blame because both cripple us from objectively analyzing ourselves. This very introspection is what will ultimately help remove blocks to our growth. As Carl Rogers eloquently stated: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, only, then I can change.”
Practice radical acceptance of all parts of yourself. Foster forgiveness for the parts that are not fully in alignment with your highest self. No matter the compulsion to do harm, practice non-maleficence. Let the darkness pass through, reminding yourself with each breath, that this is only temporary. All feelings are energetic “waves” that flow through us as if we are a medium. No emotion is there to take permanent residence.
So in the phase of this full moon, I dare you to endure the heavy emotional fog without trying to escape it.
Because you can.
You were genetically engineered to survive.
Let the Universe reveal to you where work needs to be done. Remain teachable. You don’t know it all. Instead of resisting it this time, I encourage you to join the Universe in this emotional journey. Walk with It–let it illuminate parts of you that have become estranged. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s just pain. You’ve experienced it a million times before.
Let’s allow this new moon in Scorpio to push us into the pilgrimage of processing, and purging our shadows so that we can contribute to creating a more loving, evolved world.
I encourage all of you to reflect on the following prompts!
If you have found yourself stumbling on my blog, the first thing I want you to know is that I have no idea what I’m doing. The second thing I want to share with you, in an attempt to tease out my own narrative from others, is MY story.
After almost 3 decades of dissociation, I am exhausted.
It’s not a matter of whether or not I want to be the “bubbly, outgoing” Mrs. Sunshine anymore.
Because trust me, I do
—that “facet” of me is far more…personable. It’s more cheerful & loveable.
The problem is that no matter how hard I try, I simply CANNOT maintain it any longer. I have lost my ability to dissociate.
I have been “too strong” for “too long”.
It’s ironic, though, because I’ve never felt weaker.
My “functionality” if measured by productivity and performance has plummeted severely, and yet–mental health professionals seem to agree that this is the “best” I’ve been doing in decades.
Why?
Because after decades, I have started to FEEL again.
“In my 40 years of practice,” an esteemed psychiatrist stated, “your case is one of the most compelling and confounding cases I’ve encountered.”
“With the intensity and frequency of traumas that you have experienced, I would expect you to be curled up in a mental health facility for life—probably, on the verge of psychosis.”
To them, “these darker components” of me are completely congruent with the horrific experiences I’ve gone through.
The problem, they declare IS the façade.
That ditzy, bubbly, “happy-go-lucky” persona does not accurately reflect the life I’ve lived; It does not reveal the struggles I face or do justice in celebrating the adversities I’ve overcome.
For so long, I viewed my ability to get everything “done” in a tormenting environment as my greatest strength. Being able to “detach myself from my feelings” has been the key to all my successes.
Or so I thought.
When we cut ourselves off from our “feelings”, we aren’t just blocking out the negative emotions; We, inadvertently, also lock our hearts from experiencing joy, intimacy, love, and connection.
It isn’t normal to get beaten brutally at 5 am, letting myself cry for about 5 minutes, and then forcing myself to shut down and “get my sh*t together”.
I remember walking to the library in the early hours of the morning, completely numb–absolutely oblivious to what had just happened. I studied for a few hours—only to arrive at my 8 am organic chemistry class to ace exam after exam.
It’s as nothing even happened. I didn’t feel pain. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel at all.
I remember noticing the odd glances, the hushed whispers, and the puzzled expressions of my classmates, as I pranced into the auditorium covered in bruises.
At the time, I thought there was something wrong with everyone else. Why were they staring at me?
The day of my final exam was no different. I walked in at 8 am; I recall my professor pulling me aside; I remember studying him curiously as he tried not to glare at the blue-black bruises that were now forming around my eye sockets.
He empathically offered to arrange for me to take the exam another day, however, just like every other time, I resisted his offer. Instead, I marched vehemently to my seat to ace the exam.
& I did. I graduated with summa cum laude; what i didn’t realize was that the cost of those “perfect 4.0’s” would eventually catch up to me.
You see…my professor had seen me throughout the year, pulling off these dissociative stunts nearly every week.
& as the semester continued, his growing suspicions became more and more plausible. It is saddening now as I think about it–
— because I know that he “knew” what was going on. His hands were tied because I denied everything.
Every week, it was a new excuse, “oh I ran into a blunt tree branch because I wasn’t looking”, “I accidentally fell and hit my cheekbones against the console”, “Besides, I have anemia and tend to bruise really easily..”
“It’s really nothing” I said over and over again–until I accidentally started believing it.
In retrospect, I think ANYONE with half a brain probably “knew” what was going on at the time.
The problem was that I had shunned that “half of MY brain” deep into ignorant oblivion.
Recently…I’ve realized I’m doing something similar again.
I’ve been utilizing my social media platforms as a way to convince MYSELF that I’m “okay”.
Maybe if I just manufacture a life that FEELS good on Instagram, I might feel “okay”….
However, the truth is… I am not okay.
I don’t think I’ve ever experienced what “okay” actually feels like…
I haven’t been even close to being “okay” for the last 7 months.
I haven’t driven my car in 7 months because I’m terrified.
I haven’t gone to a single modeling shoot in 7 months.
I haven’t applied to a single casting call in 7 months.
I’ve barely left the house for 7 months.
I haven’t hung out with anyone I consider a friend for 7 months.
I’ve finally crashed.
What I HAVE done in the last 7 months is hide behind my phone –
I’ve wasted countless hours laboring over Instagram algorithms, hashtags, and engagement strategies in an attempt to gain external validation from all of you because I loathe myself.
I dove headfirst into trying to portray a life that “looked good” on the surface because, in my heart of hearts, I felt so hopeless, sad, and repulsed by myself.
— but what I’ve noticed is…
…the more adamant I become about my attempts to “fake it”, the more drained, lost, and depleted I feel at the end of the day.
And the vicious cycle of distracting myself from the self-hatred goes on and on.
The truth is…
that through social media, I was being inauthentic with myself…with God…and with all of you.
& it’s ironic because in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that connection and community are byproducts of authenticity and vulnerability—two things I am fatally afraid of actually practicing.
Despite how much I crave connection and belonging, I haven’t allowed myself to be vulnerable or authentic—in a very long time.
In my adolescent days, when I did practice vulnerability–when I did truly let someone in— I nearly lost my life to their abuse.
However, advanced medicine and meticulously trained doctors helped revive & restore my physical body to health.
But who do you go to help you revive your soul? How do you restore someone’s sense of safety in the world after it’s been taken away?
The truth is…I had stopped “living” long before my heart ever gave out.
I don’t know where to begin my story.
I haven’t come up with a strategy to tell it. There is no rhyme or reason.
& for the first time, there are no angles.
I don’t even know if sharing the ENTIRETY of all the horrific details surrounding these incidents is even helpful to me or you.
I don’t want to trigger you or re-traumatize me.
& these blog posts take a lot out of me.
Honestly, I don’t know much at all right now.
What I DO know is—I have to start somewhere.
I have to start— because I want to live.
I want to connect.
I want to move and be moved by people.
I want to feel like I’m worthy enough to take space in this world.
I want to feel like I’m worthy of being Ayrah’s mother.
I know that I eventually want to use my experiences to help elucidate the hope, resilience, and relentless will to survive that lies dormant within each of us.
How curious it is that the words of a stranger online—some that I’ve never even met—help to feel more understood than some of my closest confidantes.
I posted, authentically, for the first time on Instagram a few days ago—
& the responses I received from you all—your messages glowing with genuine care—
I cant disregard or downplay how much they meant to me.
They bring me to tears even now.
How is it that mere acquaintances and even strangers can communicate such a piercingly deep empathy for another?
And what’s more confounding is that they can do it over an impersonal digital platform.
What a puzzling and powerful world we live in…
So…for those of you who are willing to walk alongside me in this journey…
Please know that it is going to be the furthest thing from perfect; In fact, it’s probably going to be a very messy ride.
I wanted to thank YOU
For caring. For existing. For reaching out.
–for helping me get to a point where I am willing to myself be seen.
If there is one thing I want to make abundantly clear through my blog, it’s this—
The EFFECT that even ONE person, like you, can have on another’s life is immeasurable.
Your responses led me to question the unchallenged abusive & demeaning narratives I’ve been repeating to myself for years.
Because…
WHAT IF those people were wrong?
What if I do share myself openly with you—with the world—and I discover that I AM actually worthy of love and belonging?
What if I hush the voices that tell me that I will be rejected, ostracized, and ridiculed again just long enough to be seen for who I am?
Even though, this may be the scariest endeavor of my life—
What if, to my surprise, I find that the world loves me back just as deeply as I love it?
What if all the “sunshine” I’ve tried to sprinkle in the lives of so many is finally returned to me?
What if I’m not a waste of space? Or a burden to this earth?
What if I’m not “damaged goods” that no one will want after being raped?
And the biggest “What if?”
What if there ISN’T anything inherently wrong with me?
Or even better—
What if there is SO much wrong with me…
— & yet still, I am met with acceptance & love despite my numerous imperfections.
They say it is better to have “loved and lost” than to never have loved at all.
I disagree.
I lost myself in you.
I almost lost myself TO you, literally.
You killed me once.
The problem, you see, is that I followed faithfully in your footsteps.
I chose to stay.
I chose to retell, repeat, and relive the tormenting narrative you created for me.
I chose to kill myself, slowly—arduously—painfully—every single day—for decades.
Until now.
For as long as I can remember–my life, both figuratively and literally, has been in your hands.
As I sit here, sifting through the decades of dejection, I can wholeheartedly tell you that no person is worth sacrificing your sanity.
Day one or “one day…”?
Its finally day one.
Today is the day I finally let go.
I am shakily, and finally choosing differently.
& do you know the most pathetic part?
I am so scared.
Believing the delusion that your violence might have been “love” is far easier than accepting the fact that the “love” I romanticized was never there at all.
I am so deathly afraid to let you go—
—even though you have been the most toxic, unhelpful relationship in my life…
I feel fear.
& it’s not because of the alternating black eyes, hushed bruises, or broken bones…
Those heal.
I’ve watched too many of them fade from my body like mirages on a hot day.
I trace my fingers over the ever-so-familiar, black-blue spots I’ve, now, come to find disturbing comfort in.
But they’re gone—
All that remains is the eerie echoes of your query whispers.
“If you looked like (her) _____, or carried yourself like (her)_______, then I wouldn’t be beating you…” you echo menacingly through time, “the reason I’m doing this is because there is something INHERENTLY wrong with you. You deserve this.”
Your words ring in my brain– taunting me, haunting me— till the singular motivation becomes about escape—
I must outrun the crippling hatred erupting relentlessly within me.
And over decades of deterioration…I have tried to “escape”.
But I have no room to talk. You were right–
I couldn’t even succeed at the one thing you’ve told me I should have always done.
The truth is, as you say, I am a coward.
I am spineless, identity-less, and lower than the scum on the bottom of the pond..
I couldn’t do it successfully. I came very close.
But “almost” doesn’t cut it.
Who expected a service dog to lounging silently on a neighbor’s porch on a freezing December night?
2020—
I ran 5 miles at my fastest pace–
My avid runners–ya’ll would be so proud of my splits!!!
I even beat my PR (personal [best] record)
& after approaching fatigue…I looked around to double check that no one was within sight.
& in the deafening silence of the night…
I carefully wrapped the ankle weights I use for strength training around my weary legs…
And I….jumped…into the deepest pond I had scouted out a few weeks before.
The clock had struck midnight—it was finally my birth “day”…December 4th.
The paralyzing pressure of the water, the languish in my legs, and the curling coldness enveloped me as I was unable to swim to the surface.
And the last thought I remember thinking, as I sank slowly to the bottom
—was tragically about you.
I thought about your cruel words.
“If you want to do the world a favor, Maham…”, you snarled in my slowing brain “just go ahead and do what is needed to be done”
And…. I couldn’t do it.
But I tried.
That damn service dog had alerted his owner with his incessant barking–causing a complete stranger to walk out–and see what was happening. 911.
“Just do it! kill yourself.” I heard under the murky, dark water.
My arms, naturally, fought to try to get to the surface.
But I couldn’t.
It was getting harder and harder to breathe.
I could feel my my lungs give out.
…and I fought—when it came down to it–I FOUGHT to try to get back up to the surface….
Until I heard the final echo of your voice that night….
“Everything you touch turns to misery anyway.”
I heard those last demeaning words…and I stopped fighting.
In that moment, I made the decision to let go.
I let flailing arms fall to my side and closed my eyes as I sunk towards the bottom.
& that was my last thought before losing consciousness.
The next thing I remember is waking up on the grass, on a stretcher, surrounded by EMTs pressing on me—and there it was—OUCH!!!!
All of a sudden, I was yanked back into reality—
–I was choking on the water that was, then, fervently flooding out of my mouth and nose at an unbearable pressure.
I have a momentary snapshot of me wrapped in a bright silver insulating blanket.
& I lost consciousness again…
I was struggling with hypothermia…[as I would come to find out later’
And finally…
I awoke in the ER..
I looked around, absolutely bewildered and puzzled.
& before I could fully become aware of what had happened, a deeper realization struck a chord so deep in my heart.
‘I am a failure’–I thought to myself. And I was. And I may still be. I was a failure in every sense of the word—.
I couldn’t even kill myself “right”.
But neither could YOU.
“I wish he had taken away your life when he ‘allegedly’ took your virginity,” I hear you screaming in my mind.
If anything, you have made it painfully clear that your life (and the lives of many others) would be a lot “bit brighter” without my presence.
“If you weren’t such a whore…then maybe you wouldn’t have gotten raped,”…
–at 14 years old—-with a knife–
Yes. The knife was utilized to “pop” my cherry.
To you, however, that’s irrelevant. It’s impertinent.
It is always my fault.
It has to be.
If I want to keep you in my life, I must always “dim” my light so you can shine brighter.
and so it begins…yet again…
An assortment of your agonizing remarks cycle through my head—at a merciless speed—
—over and over again—
My brain gets stuck on repeat like a broken record playing the same few tunes repetitively.
The tunes of my record are the stuff of nightmares.
The torment of your insidious insults continues till I want to rip my own head out of my body.
HELP!!!!!!
No human can stay immune to the missiles of such fiery self-hatred forever…
So what does one do when that unrelenting, merciless abuse starts to come from their own brain?
& just like that–
—I find myself thrust into the 9th circle of hell from Dante’s Inferno.
& so…I do what I’ve always done…
I dissociate.
I leave my body.
and for a few fleeting moments, everything…feels… a little bit ‘lighter’—a little bit further.
As your ridiculing remarks become more muffled and harder to decipher,
the ominous panic boiling inside of me steadily slows to a soft, sufferable simmer.
and there “I” am…soaring…above it “all”.
There I am– simply watching a homosapien named “Maham” go through some not-so-cute stuff.
I watch my body curiously as it floats above me—
and “I” become lifeless.
& just like that—
All the pieces of my fragile psyche shatter into sharp, serrated fragments once again–
A twin sister of mind-reading, who happens to be just as convincing in the least helpful ways is….
drum-roll!!!!!!
Albert Einstein, one of my favorite scientists said: “we cannot solve problems from the same thinking patterns we used in creating them.” This means, we cannot use the same patterns of thinking that manifested the problem to try and construct solutions that will actually work.
That is why it is so essential to become aware of these common cognitive distortions. Once we can develop a meta-cognition, of sorts, to observe the faulty patterns of cognition our minds may have developed over time, we can begin to solve deep-seated issues within our psyche.
Fortune telling, much like mind-reading, is a branch in the family of cognitive distortions associated with jumping to conclusions. Fortune telling is a cognitive distortion that predisposes us to favor and predict a negative outcome without realistically considering the actual odds of that outcome.
This type of predilection towards worst-case scenarios is usually linked to anxiety and depression. Most often, those of us struggling through an active anxious or depressive episode display skewed thinking about the world and ourselves.
In fact, when I was practicing counseling in New Orleans, fortune telling was actually one of the most common cognitive distortions that came up for my clients. They seemed to have this eerie unbased “knowledge” that things would just end in a very catastrophic way without any real logical evidence to believe so.
The process of taking some of these rehearsed faulty patterns of thinking and retraining the brain to replace them with helpful, more realistic and healthy patterns is called cognitive restructuring.
In psychology, especially among therapists that employ the CBT modality, cognitive restructuring is a technique used heavily to help individuals become aware of the age-old narratives they come in telling themselves. After appropriate reflection, clients are then challenged to analyze whether or not they would like to change their self-talk and automatic narratives. If clients decide that the benefits of change outweigh the price of staying the same, the therapist works directly with the client and helps reframe unhealthy automatic core beliefs to more helpful, healthy and productive ones. That is the goal of cognitive restructuring.
Our deepest beliefs, or cognitive schemas, are essentially the byproduct of a well-rehearsed story that we have knitted together through our own lifespan. Some of the meanings that we assign to our experiences are conscious, however, the process of forming our patterns of thinking are largely done by subconscious sources.
We see our beliefs reflected in our thoughts, feelings and actions. Our behaviors are the closest indicators of our true internal thermostat and core beliefs. The simplified medical way of looking at cognitive distortions is that once patterns are repeated, the brain simply learns an efficient, easier pathway of firing to arrive at a faster “action state”.
Here comes out the nerdy part of me! Something you may or may not know about me is that I pursued a double bachelors in Biological Sciences and Organic Chemistry in college. I graduated valedictorian of the college of sciences from College of Charleston with a summa cum laude. Studying the human body so closely sparked an interest within me to try to understand the mechanisms of the neuroplastic mind. That is precisely why I pursued my masters degree in Psychology and Counseling with a specialization in clinical mental health.
Anyway….
I want to quickly, and simply (hopefully) explain how our brains learn. The reason for this is because once we all are familiarized with the basics behind memory recollection, and how our brain creates meaning, we can begin to work WITH its natural wiring to develop more helpful patterns of thinking.
I view human beings as holistic creatures, and in no way would I ever advocate working against certain parts of ourselves. We are a unique collection of experiences, thoughts, behaviors, actions, cultures, and feelings. The more we understand each one of those compartments, the faster we can work with all facets of ourselves to improve overall life quality.
At every moment, our brain orchestrates a complex symphony of perfectly coordinated, and intentional signals across billions of neurons. These neurons, then, transmit the signals through trillions of synapses, lighting up pathways of the brain that are associated with a similar event (firing of dendrites). Becoming familiar with this complex neural circuitry enables us to start to understand the processes that work together to enable all aspects of brain function.
When we are learning something, neurons in different parts of the brain communicate with each other. If two neurons interact frequently enough, they form a connection that allows them to transmit messages more easily, efficiently and “accurately” (or so it thinks).
The more often certain neurons communicate with one another, the more fortified their connection gets. As a result, it becomes easier & easier for our automatic thoughts to follow in line with that same familiar thinking pattern. Use it and improve it!
Similarly, the principle “use it or lose it” also holds true. Because there is such an infinitely overwhelming number of different pathways our brain cells can fire, most human beings tend to undergo a process of synaptic pruning. Essentially, “synaptic pruning” is just a fancy scientific way of saying “use it or lose it”
As we grow older, neural circuits that are not being actively engaged in performing tasks begin to degrade. Quite literally, this means if we do not use an area of our brain for a prolonged time, we will lose the function that was previously stored there.
The hope of so many psychological modalities lies in the neuroplasticity of the brain. Our saving grace lies in the fact that we can, with time and consistency, retrain our brains to think (and eventually, believe) differently. We have the power to wholly replace negative thought patterns with positive ones–literally, changing the very wiring of our brains.
That is some pretty powerful stuff.
If we have learned it, we can unlearn it.
Furthermore, we can also learn something else–something entirely new—something more conducive to our well being.
This is where cognitive restructuring can literally change our lives (if we let it).
Much like everything else, it takes a lot of practice and it takes times. Therefore, it is important to be gentle with ourselves throughout the process of rewiring our thinking. We didn’t just “think” ourselves into who we are overnight. By that same token, we cannot “outthink” ourselves into somebody new overnight either.
Tip #1- Challenge your thoughts by asking very basic, simple questions.
Tip #2- Use the ABC model to help slow down and track thoughts so that we can begin to change them.
What is an “ABC” Model?
The goal of conducting the ABC analysis is to truly get to our core beliefs that trigger our thoughts and feelings. Once we target what our core beliefs are, we can analyze them and figure out if they are based in reality and if they are helpful to us or not.
ABC models are most helpful when done on paper. There is something about writing things down that allows our brain to slow down processing and truly pause.
Examples of ABC models that have been done
Example 1: End of Relationship
Example 2: Social Anxiety
Example 3: Performance Anxiety
Tip #3- Use a “Behavior Chain Analysis” to monitor new and old behavior
The basic set-up for a chain analysis is as follows:
I encouraged all my clients to do at least two behavioral chain analyses. The first one should depict what would (continue to) happen in each of the categories if the core belief was left unchanged. The second one should ideally depict what would change in the respective categories if the core belief were to be challenged.
Example of Behavioral Chain Analysis utilized in CBT
Tip #4- (If you really want to do some serious cognitive “soul searching)…try some DBT or CBT worksheets that help prompt you to examine your core beliefs.
For our purposes, I am going to upload a copy of worksheet that I have used and given others to use when I find myself jumping to conclusions, engaging in mind-reading or becoming my own self-anointed fortune teller.
This week, we will be returning to one of our mind’s most revered, well-rehearsed, and absolutely maladaptive ways of thinking, or what were they called again???
COGNTIVE DISTORTIONS!
Distortion, who?
WARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful ways of thinking that are adopted throughout the lifespan of a human. They are usually adopted as defense mechanisms in immediate acute stages. However, if they continue to linger on and become a part of our daily routines, they become highly problematic. All cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are usually cultivated during a crisis–a short-term response to an emotionally overcharged situation. They are not inherently “good” or “bad.” They are just mere momentary defense mechanisms to help us get through immediate tension. When they become more overarching in our lives, they begin to infiltrate our day-to-day life and cripple our interpersonal connections and self-evaluation.
This week, WE will discuss one of the triplets of a a family of cognitive distortions.
The FATHER of this family is jumping to conclusions.
In psychology, this distortion branches out into three categories: 1. Mind-reading 2. Fortune-telling 3. Labeling.
So…what does each one pertain? Why do we engage in these negative ways of thinking? Most importantly,how do we catch ourselves in the midst of it so we can begin to stop it?
Here is your one-step stop for nipping these types of unhelpful patterns of thinking in the bud.
Mind-Reading
The first mutation branching off the “jumping conclusions” band wagon is “mind-reading”.
So mind-reading– What is it? When does it become unhealthy?
I think it’s really important to get the crisp, curt definition of the phenomenon.
In general, “mind-reading” refers to the super-human ability to discern the thoughts of each other without the normal means of communication, especially by means of a preternatural power.
In psychology, “mind-reading” falls into a subcategory of one of the most common cognitive distortions; its corresponding parent category is “jumping to conclusions.”
Mind-reading is a misnomer given to the cognitive error that occurs when we try to predict what someone else is feeling based on our own assessments of the situation alone.
Just in case you were curious, the conclusions we arrive to through mind-reading are usually WRONG.
When we are engaged in mind-reading, we do not take time to consider others’ unique thoughts and life experiences, and we become increasingly and incorrectly stuck in our limited lens of thinking.
Some examples of “mind reading” look like:
As you can see, those are some lofty assumptions about reality. Another poignant observation is that each thought bubble shares the same faulty pattern of thinking. Each of these situations involves a person incorrectly assuming something to be true for another person. The problem with this type of thinking is that we are usually projecting what we feel onto others. We usually do not take time to check our facts, and consult with the other person/people in situation to see if our “read” on the situation may been skewed.
The truth of the matter is NO psychologically sound person is capable of “mind-reading.” It simply does not exist. In fact, if someone were to tell me that they knew, without a reasonable doubt, that another person was feeling a certain way, I may have to recommend them more intensive psychiatric help.
Believing that we know what others need, want, and think without communication is a delusion. We do not truly know what another wants or needs are unless there is an appropriate exchange of questions and answers.
That is why some of the most helpful skills therapists try to coach their clients are in regards to communication. We must questions for clarifying because, who knew? We are not always right.
By asking others how they feel, or what they want, we allow them to exercise their birthright of autonomy. When we ask questions, we create space for others to clarify their desires, thoughts, and actions.
I find myself commonly engaging in mind-reading around people in my immediate circle. It is only natural to study, observe and gather nonverbal data on those that we spend the most amount of time with.
The problem with this natural predilection is that our mind cannot stop doing it. So much so that, it sometimes does its job too well. It will arduously collect information, day in and day out. Now, the brain is not to blame. It is only doing what it was created to do. The primitive brain is often trying to categorize only in an attempt to simplify complex human realities. As a result, we may jump to conclusions, polarized thinking, overgeneralization and other patterns of erroneous thinking.
An Example of how F*CKED up it can get FAST
We have all experienced being the friend/coworker/partner who finds themselves thinking: “Oh no! ______ hates me. I’m just sure of it!” (of course we are)
This type of charged thought usually infects our brains long and before we know it, the parasite has taken over our secondary thinking. All of a sudden we are dealing with a cascade of negative feedback.
Quickly after suggesting the notion of someone not liking us to the brain, we begin to subconsciously “collect evidence” to support that same incorrect belief.
For example, if that person looks up and frowns, we are more likely to assume that it is because of their loathing towards us rather than a completely unrelated cause.
As more and more time goes on, the narrative in our heads thickens until we start to notice every single sigh, eye roll, and sarcastic remark and internalize it towards us.
We become so zoomed in; in this highly charged state, we become acutely aware of the slightest changes in the other’s body posture. Our panicked brains’ engulf themselves in rapidly computing every nonverbal cue to become negatively-connotated; we are trying collect all the (already-biased) information so that we may somehow arrive at the “logical” conclusion. At least, that is what the brain will have us “believe.” The truth is exactly what I stated above–we cannot ignore our own inherent bias about the situation.
The way our brains are wired is literally to search specifically for proof that validates the ideas we already believe to be true. We think we may be neutral, but at best, through psychoeducation and self-awareness, we can become mindful of the preexistence of these unique, acquired biases and shortcomings we have.
Next week, we will be delving into an equally insidious twin sister of mind-reading, who seemed to have gotten her dysfunctionality gene from their shared father–jumping to conclusions.
But before, let me not abandon you without suggestions for how to survive the tendency to mind-read.
Tip #1- Reflect and Retrain
The most wonderful and liberating thing about realizing that we are, most likely, wrong….is that we also possess the power to re-equilibrate our thinking to align more closely with reality.
I want you to ask yourself the following question
Why do I assume that people will treat or talk about me in a bad way?
Please write down at least 10 reasons why you believe that to be the case. The best way to approach this exercise is to a) don’t judge yourself too much for believing it because we all do. We all seem to think that the world is preoccupied with us, to some extent. I want you to try to “free-associate” when jotting down the answers to the aforementioned question.
What does free-association mean?
That means, it does not matter how ridiculous, narcissistic, self-absorbed, negative or absolutely ludicrous your brain’s responses are to that question. I want you to just jot them down, without thinking (well…while minimally thinking). The point is to gather your automatic thoughts so that we can focalize on the underlying belief that may be driving you to think that you are indeed, the center of the world, and the reincarnation of the antichrist.
Tip #2- Observe Your Reaction During Mind-Reading
Mind-reading causes negative symptoms in your body and accelerates the fear which already exists. The reason we ALL begin to mind-read is because some external trigger has literally inflamed a pre-existing insecurity we had long before someone else ever rolled their eyes around us.
If you get anything out of this post—or anything out of the series of posts about cognitive distortions–please let it be this: WE MIND-READ BECAUSE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES. It happens because someone or something else has triggered something that already PRE-EXISTED (usually long before) the irritant manifested itself.
As a result, our bodies start to give these tell-tale signs that we often ignore because we jump to conclusions and become extremely preoccupied with protecting ourselves. It is so vital to slow ourselves in the moment to observe these bodily sensations and cues because they can be of utmost help in recognizing our tipping off balance.
For example, fear of inadequacy is a phobia that often triggers me to mind-read. Due to my life experiences, and my own interpretations of them at the time, I have a very hard time controlling my reactions and thinking when I even SUSPECT that someone has “figured me out.” The following is an example of how my brain works:
– Insert external trigger: an eye roll or sigh or someone not saying hi to me.
Omg! ______ saw me and ignored me. What did I do? Is it because I didn’t say hi to her? Did I look mean? Did she overhear her me saying something negative about her? Should I apologize? I’m such a failure! I knew it. Everyone in my life was right (overgeneralization). I have been figured it out. God damn it! I try so hard to perfect this “facade” of having it all together and I knew it was just a matter of time. They’ve all figured it out. She’s probably told everyone else that I’m just a big old imposter. A wannabe. A loser. Someone who tries so hard just to “help” others because they just want to feel good about themselves. And you know why? Because I suck. I suck. and I KNOW I SUCK (emotional reasoning) and there is no way for me to hide it. It will always come out in time….etc.
The above was an example of free-association. Do you see how fast my thoughts spiraled?
Now, what is likely is that before I stepped into the quicksand of my dendrites firing away, there were probably tons of sensory cues that warned me that my brain was about to go down this path.
I know I must have felt that “heart drop” feeling. I don’t know how else to describe it, however, I know I ALWAYS tend to feel it when I feel rejected, humiliated, or fearful. It’s that pang in the heart. I might:
Start flushing red
Feel my body temperature rise
Start shaking
Show patterns of uneven breathing
Tighten up my shoulders due to tension
Begin to feel my stomach churn due to feeling uncomfortable.
Feel like I need to puke
Become clammy
Start furrowing my brows in worry
Feel “frozen” in time
Feel my heart beating faster.
There are so many different ways that our body tries to catch up to our mind. Even though each one of our “tell-tales” may be unique and different, I promise you that they exist. We all must work towards becoming aware of them so that we can not fall down the rabbit hole I just described above.
Tip #3- Ask questions
This is the simplest and most efficient way to nip mind-reading and other cognitive distortions in the bud. It is also one of the most difficult ones, in terms of mustering up enough bravery to ask something we may not want to hear the response to. I have had to train myself, and even come up with “scripts” when I’m not heated, that I can use in the moment to help clarify what I’m thinking. Some include:
“Hey, this might just be me, but I feel like there is a shift in energy in the room/between us (etc). Did I do something to offend you or upset you?”
“Are you upset with me, or is it just me?”
Bonus tip: ADD HUMOR– “You know my tendency to think everything is about me…so I saw you sigh earlier, and automatically jumped to the conclusion that it was indeed because of me. Now, I know I’m probably overthinking this, but I wanted to clarify and give you the opportunity to remind me that I’m just not that important.” this one gets a lot of laughs.
“I keep feeling like something is off with us. Am I wrong?”
“Hey, are you okay?”
Asking questions allows us to tell on ourselves, and allow others the autonomy to express their own feelings. Furthermore, it opens up the door for us to become of service to those around us if there is something unrelated bothering them. Checking in with others and being transparent about our own tendencies to catastrophize can also help them find us more relatable and feel comfortable enough to talk to us if there is something wrong in the future.
Please re-read this as many times as you need: “we LIKE people for their qualities, but we end up falling in LOVE with them for (admitting) their defects”.
What is it? Why do we do it? How do we change it? Why do we want to change it?
All your answers will be found below.
First, let’s revisit what we were talking about with those zebras earlier. Our first blog in this series of fifteen natural ways we all naturally f*ck ourselves up was about polarized thinking.
Now who remembers what polarized thinking was?
I feel like I’m teaching again.
Crickets.
Yup.
Polarized thinking was a cognitive distortion—an inaccurate or distorted way of thinking that is not helpful to us, our interpersonal relationships and our environment.
Overgeneralization is another one.
A cognitive distortion, that is.
& it is going to be the 2nd one we talk about on my blog!
I have decided to do an educational series on my blog. Every week, I will post in detail about one of the 15 most common cognitive distortions.
Why???
My rationale (& desire) for doing this is so we can all review our own thinking patterns as we move into the new year.
So often our society talks about how feelings are not facts. As someone who pursued her Masters in Psychology, I can assure you that thoughts are not always factual either.
That means it doesn’t matter if you fall into the blessed left-brained, cognitive, and analytical quantitative group or the less preferable, messy, colorful, creative, right-brained, emotionally overladen group. It means that we are all…essentially FUCKED.
It doesn’t matter whether we are heart people or brain people.
It doesn’t matter if we feel more than we analyze
It also doesn’t matter if we analyze more than we feel.
Feelings are not facts.
And neither are thoughts.
Both are subject to system error-aka, the “human” error.
Because of how diversely tough life can be on all of us, we are all prone to developing biases in our ways of thinking. Prejudices–of sorts.
Our brains, which are hard-wired to notice patterns, make associations in an attempt to ultimately, arrive to more calculated decision in a shorter amount of time…can adopt ways of thinking patterns, or cognitive distortions, that are simply not helpful or accurate.
This week’s topic is overgeneralization. So what is it? Why do we do it? How do we know we are doing it? When does it become unhelpful? How do we stop it?
Read on.
What?
Overgeneralization is one of the fifteen cognitive distortions that are emphasized in psychology. It consists of a faulty perception or belief that causes one to judge oneself and others inaccurately. Those prone to probably said things like:
“I never do anything right.”
“No one will ever understand me.”
“Nothing ever goes my way.”
“All people, regardless of gender or culture, will always screw you over.”
A lot of people practice overgeneralizing each day and are completely unaware of it. The problem is that it leads to unnecessary anxiety and fear, and prevents us from taking healthy risks or attempting new things. As a result, we end up living below our potential for the majority of our autopilot lives.
Victims of overgeneralization tend to use absolute terms in their vocabulary quite often. Some common ones include
always/never
forever/never
all/none
everyone/ no one
everything/nothing
When/Where?
We can tend to overgeneralize at anytime , anywhere. It is important to be mindful of what triggers this unhelpful and distorted way of thinking for you. Everyone is triggered differently. Most people tend to use cognitive distortions such as overgeneralization and polarized thinking when they feel fearful. Again, fear can encompass and disguise itself as a lot of secondary emotions. Most people essentially are most vulnerable to overgeneralization when they feel helpless, hopeless, attacked, vulnerable, exposed and cornered.
Who?
Overgeneralization belongs to the family of common cognitive distortions. Just like all other fifteen of its’ sisters, overgeneralization is not much different. All cognitive distortions, or unhelpful patterns of thinking, are usually a result of maladaptation to some degree. They are often seen in individuals dealing with traumatic events, unmanaged stress, and those diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression.
How?
How do we stop it in its tracks when we find ourselves bound in its shackles?
Tip #1- Figure out your triggers.
Identify what triggers you.
A trigger can refer to anything— a person, place, sight, or sensation — that causes us to overgeneralize. The nuisance of triggers is that everyone has different ones. They are specific to each one of us and are heavily influenced by the feelings we have regarding our lives, self-esteem, others and environment. Another irritant is that we tend to engage in distorted ways of thinking, such as overgeneralization, when we are emotionally charged and feel cornered. Therefore, it is definitely difficult to recognize and become almost “meta-aware” of the fact that we may be clouded with our emotions. In highly charged emotional states, we are less likely to recognize the fact that we may be engaging in cognitive distortions. Despite how difficult it may be to catch ourselves engaging in unhelpful ways of thinking during highly emotional times, the rewards of becoming mindful and aware of our own shortcomings are multifold.
Tip #2- Become mindful of your vocabulary
When we find ourselves using overgeneralization as a defense mechanism, we often will use terms that are absolute. Absolute terms are rigid terms that do not allow any room for flexibility. When we catch ourselves using words like “all”, “none”, “no one”, “everyone”, “nothing” and “everything”, our emotions are usually looking for some validation from ourselves.
Tip #3- Practice reframing.
Reframing is a technique in psychology that encourages us to view a situation from a different angle. It’s an effective way to replace a negative thought with a more beneficial one. Reframing our thoughts pretty much consists of replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones instead. For example:
Instead of saying (and believing) things like “I suck at ______” or “I will never be good at _____”, try incorporating the terms “yet” & “and” instead of “but.” Practice saying (and believing) things like
I haven’ t been able to do it yet.
I haven’t solved that yet
I am not where I want to be, and I am not where I was.
I am not a saint, and I am not a sinner.
I am not perfect, and still worthy of love.
Reframing a situation can also mean taking more facts into account. It can look like choosing not to jump to conclusions. For example, instead of deducing that we can never do a specific task such as speak well in public, we can redirect our focus/thinking to more helpful questions
What was the reason for my “failing”? (Pressure, lack of preparation, etc.)
How can I improve?
What is the smallest thing I can do today to move in the direction towards improving?
What are the short-term steps I have to take to improve?
What are the long-term benefits to me taking time to change this about myself now so I don’t have to suffer later?
Through reframing, we often realize that most of your beliefs aren’t based in reality, which then opens up opportunities for positive change.
Tip #4- Keep practicing “positive” thinking.
Yes, I said what I said.
It is a practice.
It is a chore.
Congratulations Grumpy Cat.
So is everyone else’s if they don’t work on it actively.
It requires hard-work, and constant effort.
It is no means easy at first.
It takes time.
You will mess up.
Because so have I.
Some tips for encouraging our minds to more positive, helpful ways of thinking include
using positive affirmations
listening to uplifting messages (songs, sermons, lectures, books)
reading uplifting literature
watching funny videos
exercising
self-soothing
seeking therapy
learning adaptive coping strategies
keeping a gratitude list
surrounding ourselves with positive, optimistic individuals
getting out in the sun
taking a bath (for me)/something relaxing and nice for yourself that requires you to treat yourself.
calling a friend and to catch up
asking/noticing what we can do for those around us
…I start to feel more and more out of control and ironically, it makes me want to grasp onto any last straw of “control” I can imagine.
Human beings are quite the ironic creature. The more out of control and panicked we feel, the more we tighten our grasps around the very things that make us feel out of control. This just creates a negative feedback loop of B.S, that forces us to white knuckle our way through life instead of enjoying its dynamic ups and downs.
Eckhart Tolle, one of my favorite authors, stated:
I just lost my anger on someone that has been a trigger to me. After the heightened verbal exchanges comes the tsunami of regret, remorse, and guilt. We have all been guilty of saying hurtful things at the peak of our anger. The thing I learned about anger in pursuing my masters in counseling psychology is that it is merely a secondary emotion.
What does that even mean?
Anger is a secondary emotion , as it lends itself as a defensive approach to feeling some of the more vulnerable, scary primary emotions shown in the graphic above. Today, for me, the primary emotions were hurt, grief and helplessness. Let’s add a teaspoon of humiliation too.
I want to talk about anger and acceptance today. They seem like they are so contradictory, however, if we can begin to think of our lives in a dialectical manner, we can begin to hold space for two seemingly opposing schemas within ourselves. It is possible for two things to be true.
The reason it is so difficult for us average human beings to hold two seemingly paradoxical realities as true at the same time is because it creates tension in our psyche. In psychology, we refer to this tension as cognitive dissonance. This concept essentially outlines the natural stress and disharmony that result from trying to reconcile feelings or thoughts that simply do not align with one another.
Mankind has survived thus far due to his/her ability to view the world and start to view it in categories. Imagine being a child. There are so many overwhelming stimuli. In an attempt to understand the world around us, we begin to form associations, correlations through becoming aware of patterns.
This natural predilection only becomes problematic when we become too rigid in keeping all of our experiences boxed into neatly wrapped, homogenous compartments.
It does not feel comfortable to break out of those cute little patterns that have helped us make life more predictable.
This is “good” and that is “bad”. This is “right” and that is “wrong”. This is “satisfactory” and that is “unacceptable.” This type of rigidity leads to cognitive distortions.
Cognitive distortions involve negative thinking patterns that aren’t based on fact or reality. They often rely on faulty assumptions & unrelated associations that we have inaccurately made throughout our life.
The type of cognitive distortion I want to talk about today is called: Polarization.
Polarized thinking is an extreme simplification of reality. Things are either black or white, good or bad. We don’t see the nuances that exist between one extreme and another. People with this type of distortion feel comfortable placing reality between two extremes.
Why do we do it?
Viewing situations in extremes is something many of us do naturally. All human behavior is motivated by a self-serving need. Thinking in extremes allows us to narrow down experiences into simple categories. Essentially, it is an oversimplification technique that gives us the false feeling of “being in control.” For example, if we can define it in two absolute categories, life becomes a lot more predictable. Polarized thinking can help us simplify and process information as we receive it, allowing for easier understanding and faster decision making.
How do we avoid it?
In case you didn’t see this coming–surprise! Life is not black and white. Life is meant to be lived in all of its confusing colors. I know I sound like Pocahontas in my debut of “Colors of the Wind”, however, I do begrudgingly concur. There are just too many extraneous variables that affect everything we do, say, feel and think; we cannot oversimplify and attribute one thing with another without considering all factors. Read on for some helpful pointers when you find yourself stuck in black and white thinking.
Tip #1- Learn to view EVERYTHING on a spectrum
To those of you still traumatized by statistics, I’m sorry for the following diagram.
Every thing, person and situation falls within a spectrum. The above curve is called a “normal distribution” in statistics. Many of our pathopsychological issues arise when we move out of the green and orange zones into the red zone.
When we begin to view the world around us in absolutes, it leaves no room for change. As many spiritual practices and biological disciplines demonstrate–change is the only constant in life. What this essentially means is that the THE ONLY THING WE CAN COUNT ON FOR SURE IS THAT EVERY SINGLE THING IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE.
Stagnation is death; human beings, much like every other species in the cladogram of life learn, grow and adapt. Therefore, it is very simple-minded to speak of ourselves or others in absolutes. We all possess a range of complex emotional expression. Furthermore, this range is not fixed. It can be expanded through active pursuit of self-improvement.
Tip #2- Become aware of your vocabulary
Avoid using absolute terms such as “always” and “never”. Become aware of when you use them, and challenge your logic. Do you, without a reasonable doubt, have every single reason to believe that you are a failure? Probably not. Do you, without a reasonable doubt, have every single reason to believe that you are perfect and infallible? Probably not.
People often use the words “always” or “never” to emphasize what the statement they’re making. In reality, however, there are very few aspects of life where “always” or “never” are actually relevant and applicable.
Tip #3- Incorporate “and”, “yes”, & “yet” into your everyday vocabulary
Broadening binary thinking can improve cognitive flexibility. If you’re interested in learning how to stop polarized thinking, try to engage an extreme thought by exploring it with “yes, and.”
“Yes, I faced difficult things, and I also experienced good moments this week.”
“Yes, I’m a good person, and sometimes I make mistakes.”
“Yes, I’m not where I want to be and I’m also not where I was.”
“Yes, I am doing the best I can and I can continue to improve.”
“Yes, I struggle with _____ and I haven’t quite found a manageable solution yet.”
Tip #4- View yourself & others as holistic, inclusive beings.
Just like eating one salad didn’t make you immediately drop 3 jean sizes, missing one workout will not make you gain 4 back.
It’s an analogy. The point is that we did not become the way we are overnight. We have all lived unique lives with personalized experiences that have shaped our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We are a collection–an amalgamation of ALL of our experiences, interactions and reflections.
When we begin to view ourselves through a more encompassing, broadened lens, we start fostering self-compassion, and acceptance. Adopting this type of view helps circumvent the pattern of thinking errors.
Tip #4- Triple Column Analysis
Begin to challenge your thoughts through a simple triple column analysis. Stanford University found statistically significant results in resilience and mood when comparing those who used this method and those who didn’t. Use the following example as a template for any emotionally overladen automatic belief/thought that arises for you ❤
Today, I’m really grateful for a happy and healthy baby! I had a visit to the doctors today. My parents and I wanted to have an OBGYN in my hometown, in addition to one in Louisiana. So, today was my first appointment with the her! During the visit, she wanted to reconduct the anatomy scan for their own personal hospital records.
What is the anatomy scan?
During a level 2 ultrasound, baby will be measured from crown to rump, around her middle, around her head — and that’s just for starters. The four chambers of the heart will be viewed, as well as the kidneys, bladder, stomach, brain, spine and sex organs. A survey of the organs, including the umbilical cord, ensures that they are developing normally (or identifies any potential problems as soon as possible). The sonographer will also be looking at your amniotic fluid levels, the location of the placenta, and the fetal heart rate.
And in alignment with the results of the 20 week scan, everything was purrfect this time around. Baby angel looks great! It was fun to see her, because she’s definitely bigger now, approaching 2 lbs! Alhamdullilah, she is measuring perfectly for her gestational age; her weight and height are on target; her organs are all present and functioning. I am so grateful.
So, I have to share something really humorous about today’s scan with you. Apparently, as we were checking out her spine, my baby gymnast decided to take hold of her leg; she effortlessly moved her leg, parallel above her head and grabbed her foot with her little hands. We were stunned watching this all go down. Then, all of a sudden, she pulled her foot close to her mouth and started to suck on her toes. WHAT THE HECK? The ultrasound tech, my mom and I were in a puddle of laughter. My little warrior princess! So wild and untame already, lol.
he chubby little legs from the bottom; ❤
I’m also really grateful for my run today! I felt so strong, capable and powerful during it. The longer I run, the stronger I feel; I’m really thankful for this experience. I’m also really grateful to my mother-in-law for helping my sweetheart move into our new place. I’m not with my husband right now, so it’s such a huge blessing that he his mother there to support of him through this transition. She is a little angel from heaven!
I’m also really grateful for Zeus, my kitten back at home. Every time I walk into the room, he is sprawled out on my bed just waiting for me! It makes me so happy. I’m pretty sure he can hear my baby girl’s heartbeat because at night, he’ll sleep with his head tucked in near my belly, gently kneading it through the blanket. It’s the cutest thing! I’m convinced animals have the keenest intuition.
03/09/2016
Today, I am so grateful to return to this practice! It has been a hectic week. My husband and I have been busy with moving into our new place, and now, we are finally settled in! We got the last of our stuff moved out, and just handed in the keys to our old apartment today. It really is a bittersweet transition. Our new place is so much bigger, and so beautiful. I’m really grateful for that. My eyes literally lit up when I saw it—especially when I saw Ayrah’s room-to-be, and it’s beautiful pink color. My heart was so full upon seeing it; it becomes flooded with unexplainable love when I step into it again and again. My sweet baby girl. I love her so much already.
I’m so thankful that she’s going to be in my arms soon iA. Can you believe my second trimester is almost over? I’m 1 week away from finishing it! Then, the real wait begins. I can’t wait to feel her sweet kicks against my hands instead of just my belly. I can’t wait to kiss her, embrace her, and wrap her in my arms. I would do anything for her now, and from what I’ve heard, that love just keeps growing exponentially as they come into our lives, and grow older. I’m so excited.
I’ve heard lots of people say that life is never the same after you have a child. Can I just say how thrilled I am that if is the case? Though, it’s a life I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, I don’t want my life to be just about me, my husband and my cats anymore. My little world is so ready to expand and accommodate another being into it. I realize that motherhood is going to come with challenges, and on some days, I am truly fearful of these challenges. Most days now, however, I am just thankful and eager to meet her.
Transitions are always difficult—marriage, moving out, transitioning into parenthood. There is an inevitable tinge of death in them; the beginning of one chapter is always marked by the end of another. Birth and death are like Siamese twins that cannot be separated; when one is around, you know the other one is lingering just around the corner. But, as saddening as it is to let go of one time period, it is equally as exciting and joy-provoking to begin another one! I know that the birth of my daughter is going to infuse my life with a newfound meaning and another purpose. Above all, I’m really excited to experience myself as a mother.
Isn’t that what life is all about? Adding new layers of experience that enrich our very being? I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve already accumulated. I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing myself as a big sister, a sister-in-law, a daughter, a wife, a student, a friend, a lover, a teacher, a student. And now, I’ll get to experience myself as a mother. I am really eager to learn about the new layers of myself that I know motherhood will reveal. So yes, transitions are hard, but in all honesty, I’m harder! I have done and can do really challenging things; I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I am willing to expend the energy and time it takes to become an effective mother. I am thankful for this devotion within my heart, and so grateful that God has infused excitement and love for my baby girl in it.
I’m also beyond grateful that we’ve had company in our new home. Our friends and family visiting has definitely made this unfamiliar beautiful edifice feel more like home. The minute they leave our house, I want to grab them and pull them back in. There’s just such a serene happiness that comes with hearing muted voices, echoes and laughs from different corners of the house. It makes me so happy knowing that people are just there!
I’m also really grateful for the ability to run when I’m starting my 7th month into my pregnancy! I’ve had to make adjustments, certainly–the biggest one being that I do not enjoy running outdoors as much as I had before; it hurts my joints! BUT…I can still run for an hr+ without having to slow down on the treadmill. So as always, the ability to move my body is not being taken for granted at all. I really do take time to appreciate how blessed I am to be able to move my body; I know many who are robbed of this precious gift early on in life.
03/10/2o16
You guys! I think God is going to hold true on His part in giving me the gift that I asked for at the beginning of this pregnancy. I remember, just 6 weeks in, I requested from him a very special gift–the ability to continue to run. As the second trimester comes to a close, I’ve noticed that I’m still able to run a an 8K, 5-6 days of the week! The best part is that I still enjoy running throughout my pregnancy. So, thank you God! Your mercy and bounty melts my heart!
Running and physical activity have been such empowering, feel-good constants in my life, so it it’s such a blessing to be able to hold onto them during pregnancy. Pregnancy is marked with so many changes and fluctuations, so it really is a miracle to have anything that remains steady. Speaking of changes, I can’t believe that I am nearing the end of my second trimester! Ahh! This is my last week of the 6th month! Where is the time going by? Alhamdullilah, though, I am grateful that I have been able to feel, more or less, like myself throughout this experience. I’ve got to say that overall, my pregnancy has been pretty darn good. I may gripe about portions of it sometimes, but that’s just me being human and aimlessly trying to magnify the “black spot” on the white dress. I can say with full certainty that in the future, I am going to look back on this time and be grateful that it was a beautiful and comfortable experience.
Ah. I genuinely hope that my pregnancy experience will offer hope to tense hearts that are contemplating motherhood. Though the journey is so variable and depends on woman-to-woman, I can testify that my pregnancy has left me feeling physically stronger, more energized and capable. I think the weight gain paired with my consistent training has resulted in a lot of my “pregnancy weight” to be muscle. These gains, in turn, have transformed my body into a platform for new feats and personal records.
Throughout the pregnancy transitions, I’ve really had to remind myself: “gaining weight is not the same thing as gaining fat.”
Through discipline and self-regimented behavior, I’ve really been proactive about making my pregnancy a comfortable and healthy transition for myself and for my baby. I remember finding out I was pregnant, and being absolutely terrified of the changes that awaited me.
“But my body is going to blow up uncontrollably, and the cravings are going to be these demonic monsters that will forcefully cause me to devour large quantities of unhealthy foods. What’s worse is that this is going to cause so many muscle aches, relentless inflammation and edema and I won’t be able to even move—much less run.”
Now that I’m closing off my second trimester, I can say that I’m really thankful that NONE of my incessant fears actually manifested themselves into reality.
I think our perception of pregnancy is shaped so much by what society tells us. But,listen up. Because I’M here to tell you is that yes, there is a bit of truth to the societal messages, BUT there is ONLY about a miniscule grain of truth in there. Yes, you do gain weight. Yes, your belly grows. Yes, there are changes. You are pregnant after all. But these changes are not as uncontrollable and sporadic as I had imagined them to be. I’m really thankful that I’ve gained a healthy amount of weight, and that my baby girl is growing beautifully; at the same time, however, I can honesty say that I have been rigid in my discipline to stay physically active [so that a lot of that added weight can be muscle].
So what about these crazy preggers cravings? In my experience, the cravings are certainly noticeable and do arise. However, they are not dementors from Harry Potter, rattling your soul until you give into them. Ultimately, YOU have the final say over whether to give into the craving or not. It boils down to your ability to maintain a precarious balance between sometimes “giving in” and other times, “steering clear.”
If there is one thing I want you to take out of my pregnancy experience–it is this. Pregnancy is not a disease or a disability. So move.
As far as not being able to move during pregnancy, unless there is a medical reason for a mother not to be physically active, I highly advocate for and recommend physical activity to EVERYONE. It has helped so much in warding off the common aches and pains of pregnancy. It’s done wonders to counteract the effects of the horomone, relaxin (which in preparation for birth, causes all your ligaments to become more lax than usual). It’s actually really fun because I can get away with not stretching as thoroughly because my pregnant body is more likely to assume the “wet noodle-like” flexible disposition. Thank god, I haven’t had any edema; I think that’s largely due to the fact that I’m so physically active. My lower extremeties only get achey when I’m completely at rest or standing still for a long period of time. Counterintuitively, my limbs feel SO much better WITH movement and activity.***so I just realized that this this ended up being a long rant on my pregnancy, but hey! I deserve it! I’ve been growing a human being for 6 months! Eeeep ❤
All in all, the essence of what I was getting at is still related to the gratitude practice. I am really grateful for the fact that my pregnancy experience, thus far, has been a comfortable, steady and smooth one. It’s definitely been marked with changes, but these changes have happened gradually, instilling a sense of safety and stability. I don’t feel out-of-control, helpless or disempowered. On most days, I recognize what a blessing that is. I’d also like to take a moment to express and really FEEL how deeply thankful I am that our fears are not always true. It isn’t always the worst case scenario. The endless horrific “what-if” situations are minds create are usually just mere figments of our imagination. None of the fears I been anxious about have come true.
I’m also thankful for myself, because I acknowledge the central role I’ve had in this; from the beginning, I was proactive in making sure that I was doing everything I could do to set myself up for a comfortable, relaxing pregnancy. I did what I had to do then, and have done what I needed to do every single passing day. Now, I can tell you that my dedication has manifested itself into a pregnancy experience that has felt safe, smooth, and steady for me. A mom who feels strong and safe is inadvertently in a better position to provide those things for her child. I’m thankful for the consistency and dedication that I’ve demonstrated to myself throughout this process; I know that my work ethic and tenacity are CENTRAL reasons why my experience ended up being the one I desired. Pregnancy has taught me that I’m stronger than I knew, both mentally and physically. I am so grateful that I have some power in dictating my future.
03/11/2016
Well, first of all, I’m so grateful to be safe today. There has been some torrential rainfall in Louisiana, and frankly, I am terrified of lightening and thunderstorms. Lol, I spent most of the night keeping my poor husband awake because each time it would thunder, I would jump and crawl under the sheets. Thank God, I’m blessed to have a partner that is patient enough wrap me in his soothing embrace just to let me know that everything is going to be okay—even if it is for the 1000th time that night.
I’m grateful for our new home; I do have to say that it still seems unfamiliar. In it, I feel like a cat who doesn’t have her scent over the belongings just yet! But regardless, the house is beautiful. It’s so much bigger than our old apartment! With each passing day, I am starting to get acquainted with this place too. I’m beginning to recognize its unique creeks and sounds, and with it, I’m beginning to honor the the living breathing energy of this place.
I’m also really grateful for being able to move my body, today (as always). I was reminiscing about my earlier pregnancy days and how terrified I felt that something was going to happen to make it to where I wouldn’t be able to remain physically active. To be honest, physical activity has been such an outlet of stress, toxic energy and negative thoughts for me. God provides different routes for His people to heal and sustain themselves, and I really think that my body and mind heal in the act of movement. That, and reading/listening to books about other people’s journeys and what they’ve learned in life is most healing to me.
With exercise, I build a platform that carries over into the rest of my life. It is a place for me to test my own boundaries, shatter my previous limitations, and feel empowered, capable and STRONG.
So often, I walk away from a trying workout thinking: “I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it.”
Speaking of books earlier, I heard this amazing little audible book and it really uplifted my moods and put me in a better spirit. I’m very grateful for its lesson on self-love.
I highly recommend this book to everyone who desires greater self-compassion, and an increased ability to forgive oneself. Though the book in itself is only a two-hour read (or listen), it is absolutely phenomenoal. The messages that it presents are clear, straight-to-the-point, and have a way of penetrating through your heart! This book is all about valuing yourself and treating yourself as if you were one of the most valuable blessings in your own life (which you really are!). I know that I personally struggle with the “nice girl phenomenon.” I get stuck in a whirlwind of trying to please everyone, so much so that I often end up neglecting my own intuitive inner calling. I’m guilty of being truly neglectful in taking care of my needs. Sometimes, all I want to do is feel safe, and I know exactly the things to do to help create that atmosphere of safety, but if I realize that some other person has a competing demand, I’ll neglect my inner calling to satisfy their requests. Since time is limited, this leaves me empty, drained and too tired to attend to myself later on.
This book helped remind me of my own inherent worth, and the fact that I deserve just as much kindness, love and concnern as any other creature of the universe. The book also helps provide a nifty little toolbox of techniques to utilize in making sure that adequate love is being directed to my innermost self. I’m so thankful for the wise, direct, and honest testament of Kamal Ravikant. I really admire and honor the courage within his heart; it takes immense bravery to share filtered, raw experiences that are so personal. It is because of people like him, practicing such bravery, that make it to where their message so accessible to the rest of us.
03/12/2016
Today, I’m really grateful for rest. I feel like with the moving in process, and our respective careers/education, my husband and I have been consistently on the go. Today, we finally got a chance to have a low-key day/night where we simply enjoyed the company of one another. We spent most of the morning watching Netflix and slipping in and out of sleep. There is something so soothing and glorious about just being wrapped up in my husband’s embrace. Those two limbs may just seem like ordinary limbs to you, but to me—they are absolutely magical. His arms are my home.
I’m also grateful for my cats. You know, humans have this really pestering habit of fearing the future or overanalyzing the past; animals, on the other hand, seem to only live in the present moment. It doesn’t matter if it’s only been an hour since the last time they saw you. When their beady little eyes lay their sight on you, they are just as hopelessly excited that you’re there, as they were the very first time around. They are magical little creatures; magical little angels that encourage us by bringing us back into the present moment with them! I’m so grateful for their sweet, kind presence in my home.
I’m also really grateful for my physical capacity, even this late in the pregnancy. This is a huge relief to me, and to my soul. I’m also very grateful that God has used physical activity as a means to infuse strength, hope and empowerment into my body and soul; all of these qualities help compound my faith, thereby enabling me to become a better person to myself and to others.
I’m also truly grateful for my cousin, Shuji, recovering from Ewing’s Sarcoma. I think today, he is going in for his last round of chemotherapy, post-operation; I have a feeling that this will be the last time he has to cross paths with cancer again. I mean, even cancer would be ashamed to come back after such a brutal annihilation, not once, but TWICE by the same man! I derive so much strength from my cousin’s journey. Every time I feel too “lazy” or too “burned out” to go use the capable and healthy body/mind I have been gifted with, I remember that my cousin has to sometimes, spend weeks in the hospital at a time receiving treatment. Wouldn’t he much rather be out there, doing what people do in their 20s? Wouldn’t he rather be out there playing sports, partaking in physical activity, utilizing his limbs to experience just as much displaced enjoyment in the world?
03/14/2016
Ah! A new beautiful day! You know what I’ve been really grateful for? This practice. It’s been about 21 days of my writing in the gratitude journals and I’d like to take the time to reflect on my journey. Doing the gratitude practice has really taught me to actively seek out the little miracles in life. I’ve found that looking for these small magical things is analogous to the childhood story, “Hansel and Gretel.” The good things in life are like the breadcrumbs that we leave behind, as we go on through our days, busily pursuing our goals.
leaving gratitude breadcrumbs behind…
It is only in revisiting the trail (or our days), and in retrospect that we can truly detect the value of each breadcrumb that we left behind. Together, these miniscule moments of gratitude are sprinkled far and frequently enough to make our entire day! This brings me to another point about this practice. I’ve learned that I have to be intentional in practicing gratitude. Before the start of my practice, my level of gratefulness towards the universe depended on external events (ie; if I have a “good day”, I’m grateful. If I have a “bad day”, I’m ungrateful). What this practice has taught me is that gratitude is an intentional practice. We have to CHOOSE to find the good things amongst the bad—and this can be done on even the most trying days. If we spend enough time maneuvering through the dirt of a hard day, we will find some speckles of glitter amidst our experience.
This goes hand in hand with one of the Buddhist teachings that I really love—the concept of yin-yang.
The truth of this teaching was demonstrated through my own gratitude practice. If I looked hard enough, there was always something “good” amongst the bad. Likewise, if I looked at days that I monotonously painted with the overtone of “good”, there were some glaring “not-so-good” parts about them too. Suffering is always there, but the mercy of God (or the universe, or laws of nature) is that the nature of suffering is that it is always interrupted. Nothing is all bad, 100% of time; no challenge is felt at its 100% maximum intensity threshold forever. Suffering is layered with moments of joy, and joy is layered with moments of vulnerability and suffering. The gratitude practice helped refortify and reaffirm this truth about life. I am grateful for this relieving reminder. I don’t have to take every little challenge so seriously because it is all temporary. Suffering is temporary. Joy is temporary. The feelings brought upon by each sentiment are temporary. This too shall pass.
I’m also really grateful for a better picture of my priorities. Doing this practice repetitively highlighted the patterns in my life; it effectively illuminated the blessings that I feel most grateful for in my life. Upon re-reading my entries, I’ve realized that there are glaring, unifying themes in regards to what I feel most grateful for. This helped me to see “what’s working” or “what’s going right” in my life. It gently showed me that my relationship with my husband, interpersonal connection with family, my physical ability to move, the omnipotent presence of God, and my coming baby girl are all blessings that I appear to be repetitively grateful for. I also discovered that I really desire and crave to expand my boundaries, whether it be in terms of knowledge or physical capacity. I like setting precarious limitations, only to see myself shatter them. The resilient human spirit is really inspirational and awe-inspiring to me.
In summary, however, the biggest lesson that I have acquired through the gratitude practice is this:
Happiness is a choice.
It is not just a magical predicament you fall into on certain random days. Yes, some days, it is easier to make the choice to be happy, but it IS a choice, nontheless. If I really wanted to, I could try to be crabby even on the most blessed, happy of days. Happiness is a choice—it is a choice that is not nearly as dependent on our specific circumstances, but rather on our perception of them. The mind is a very capable tool; it is excellent at using its faculties to magnify/minimize certain aspects of the same day. If I make the intention to be happy, I CAN be happy—regardless of what I accomplish/don’t accomplish that day, regardless of whether it rains or whether there’s sunshine, regardless of whether my husband and I are engaging in an itty bitty hissy fit committee, or if things are purrfect.
The conditions don’t have to be “just right”. Instead, I can utilize creativity in every moment to try to do the things that I love, and therefore, try to optimize happiness. For example, if I can’t get the motivation to get up and go to the gym, I could utilize flexibility and literally do a workout in the comfort of my own home. I have so many materials that would allow me to do that. If things are feeling tense with my husband in one aspect, I can try to create a soothing and comforting environment in a myriad other ways. There is not just ONE way to happiness. That is profound and relieving; I’d like to leave the entry on this note.
Happiness is always “creatable.” Sometimes, when we have all the necessary parts available to us, it is easier to create. Other times, when some of those tools (like motivation, determination, passion, inspiration, love) are lacking, it is a little harder to create—but not impossible.
We have the amazing freedom to achieve happiness by creatively approaching our predicaments in flexible ways. We don’t have to change the destination, but we also don’t have to be rigid in our approach; if we want happiness, we can create it. Sometimes, we just need to be willing to consider that there is always more than one way to create it. Flexibility in approach and resolute in destination.
❤ Thank YOU for coming along with me on my 21-day journey to gratitude ❤
I love you all and I will definitely be filling up my blog with nifty new things soon!
Ah! I missed a few days of the gratitude practice. But it’s okay! Missing these days has reminded me to rediscover the value in imperfection! Simultaneously, however, I am grateful for the ability to pick up right where I left off. All in all, missing two days was a very humbling experience. It reminded me that I am imperfect. It’s quite easy to get caught up in the trap of “perfection” and feel like we must upkeep routines to-a-tee; we metamorphose into dictators making sure we are relentless in abiding to the routines we create. Consequently, disruptions to our plans, and the inability to carry them out perfectly is a very sobering reminder; perfection is a trait that is unattainable in the human state. This means that I will mess up. I will fall short; I will not be able to be 100%. This is okay, and is in perfect alignment with the nature of how I was created. It is this very imperfection within me that creates the necessary space for God to enter. It is this “falling short” that encourages me to fall back on Him. It is my limited scope that encourages me to search for something Greater. So, I am grateful for the elucidation of my own imperfection.
Today, I’m grateful for the words of author, Matt Fitzgerald. In his book, “How Bad Do You Want It?”, he describes the relationship between endurance, mind and body. Through studying the literature, he found that it is not actual muscle fatigue that slows down athletes or causes them to quit in an event; it is actually the mind. The breakdown of motivation occurs in the brain, not muscle. The experience of fatigue/burn-out does not come about as a result of pushing the body to limits of exhaustion. In fact, extensive testing has demonstrated that athletes who claim fatigue can almost always do more at the muscular level. So why did they stop?
Because of the self-imposed limitations their minds created.
“Science has only recently recognized that endurance performance is fundamentally psychological. When we say someone has ‘endured something’, what do we mean? we mean that the person has gone through a challenging experience. . It’s the experience, not the biological fatigue that must be endured. Endurance athletes by definition endure. They endure long hours of training, deprivations that come with a monastic lifestyle, and all manners of aches and pains. But what endurance athletes must endure ABOVE ALL is not actual effort, but perception of effort. This is the phrase that scientists now use to refer to what athletes normally describe as how hard exercise feels in a given moment. And it represents the central concept of the psychobiological model of endurance performance. It was perceived effort that causes the endurance athlete to slow down and even quit. The most important truth you can know as an endurance at athlete is this: one cannot improve as an endurance athlete except by changing one’s relationship with perception of effort. Perceived effort is essentially the body’s resistance to the mind’s will. The fitter an athlete becomes, the less resistance the body puts up Even something as seemingly physical as training conforms to this principle.”
Matt Fitzgerald, “How Bad Do You Want It?”
I’m particularly thankful for this excerpt. I really admired and resonated with his description of an endurance athlete. Endurance athletes are people who endure difficult things. If running, or working out during pregnancy was easy, then everyone would be doing it. There are certainly challenges in the path, for all of us. However, we can choose to become our version of endurance athletes, in whatever challenges we are facing. We can choose to face, bear, and cope with any change with grace and dignity. It was because of Fitzgerald’s description of an endurance athlete, combined with the discovery that the mind’s perception of effort is different than the actual exhaustion, that led me to muster up the courage to run outside again.To be completely raw, running outside has been a tough experience for me; it is the one area in which I am starting to see the glaring effects of pregnancy. Prior to me falling pregnant, running on concrete or asphalt felt relatively effortless; I was carrying less weight, and my muscles and body were able to handle the physiolgoical pressures quite effectively. Now, I easily get winded, feel tired, and am undeniably slower in my pace. As a result, running outside doesn’t “feel” as good as it used to; this causes me to shy away from the passion.
Today, however, I told myself that just because my brain doesn’t perceive it “as feeling good” doesn’t mean that the experience is not actually just as good for me. Just because my brain readily perceives and accepts the “I can’t do it!” mentality doesn’t mean I actually won’t be able to do it. And so…just like that, I put on my running shoes and RAN outdoors. Every time self-limiting thoughts would arise in my run, I gently returned to the words of Matt Fitzgerald. “I’m not actually exhausted or fatigued at the muscular level,” I repeated to myself, “my mind’s perception of effort is skewed; In reality, I can keep going for much longer.” And I did.
In no way am I saying that the run today was glorious and fatigue-free. I felt winded; I felt tired; my muscles felt sore; I was slower. Running outside while I’m 6.5 months pregnant is certainly not as much of a breeze as it were pre-pregnancy. But you know what? I was able to do it! I was able to get out there and prove just what Fitzgerald was talking about. So many times, I would get a leg cramp or random ache and register it as: “exhaustion approaching—need to stop.” But really, as I kept running past that feeling, the perception of feeling it necessary to stop faltered away. I was able to keep going, proving that true exhaustion was far away. My protective mind was simply trying to convince me that I was exhausted in an attempt to conserve energy.
You guys, I’m so thankful that my brain is not always right. And above that, I’m grateful that you and I can choose to be endurance athletes in our own lives. Whether it be in sports or life challenges, we can choose to have the mindset and resilience of an endurance champion! I’m blessed that I have so many experiences in my memory bank that attest to the fact that I can endure really trying challenges–that I can endure. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. My mental limits are not my actual limits. Thank God for that!
02/25/2016
Today, I am so grateful for the encouragement and support I’ve been receiving from strangers for my fitness endeavors during pregnancy.
Really, never underestimate the value of a kind gesture. Sometimes, when I’m running outside and wearing a “baby on board” or “this girl is going to be a mommy” shirt, I’ll get random honks of encouragement; the people passing me by on the running trail will give me thumbs up signs and beaming smiles! Of course, this just results in me beaming a pearly right back! I’m truly grateful for these uplifting gestures; There’s also been people at the gym who have actually come up to me and vocalized how proud they are of my discipline and physical work ethic during pregnancy. It really is little things like that that leave my day a little more brighter! I’m immensely grateful for the support, but above that, I’m grateful for the ability to keep physically active during my pregnancy! I realize that it is a blessing and a gift that is not granted to all. Being able to move our bodies is a gift even outside of pregnancy! There’s many people who can’t walk to the mailbox to get their mail, much less go for a walk or run because of debilitating health issues.
On another note, I think I finally targeted why I’ve been feeling slightly under the weather for a few days! I’m thankful for this realization, because it allows me the opportunity to take action. My stomach has been very sensitive recently, and I think it is because of the spices and tomoato-based curries in Indian cuisine. When I’m living with my husband, I don’t eat too much Indian food but since visiting my family, I have definitely been consuming more spices! I think these spices, alongside the tomato-based curries are the culprit. So starting tomorrow, I think I’m going to return to basic, bland(ier) foods like alkaline fruits, egg whites, vegetables and complex carbs. I’m hopeful that this shift will allow my upset stomach to settle down! We’ll see! *Check Back: IT DID HELP!*
Me after eating the delicious, but spicy home-made curries
You know what I’m really grateful for? Recently, I feel like I’ve had this shift in attitude when it comes to doing demanding tasks. If there’s an undesirable task that I simply don’t feel like doing, I realize that I can still do it. My ability to conduct the task is irrelevant on my feelings towards it! I’ve realized that a cooperative mind is beneficial but NOT necessary in doing tough things! The mind is simply ONE part of the mind-body-spirit trifecta. The body and spirit don’t really care if the mind is motivated, the results are the same with or without its endless chatter. Sure, when it’s bursting with supportive, positive, and encouraging energy, it certainly makes the task feel easier. But the raw completion of the task is not entirely dependent on it. THANK GOD! Recently, when my brain puts up resistance to certain tasks, I’ve been repeating the following phrase: “sweet mind, it would be nice for you to show up, but it’s not required.” Then, I’ll do the task anyway! And you know what? So far, it’s gotten done 100% of the times, with or without the mental motivation. I’m truly grateful for this little pearl of knowledge; I know I will be able to utilize it endlessly in the future!
I’m also really thankful for being able to see little baby daughter today. I had an ultrasound done (perks of having a radiologist as a dad!) Oh,and seeing her was marvelous. She was beautiful. My sweet girl with her long legs, hiccups and her silly antics. Do you want to know something funny? The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted any pictures of her, and the only picture I requested was of her ankles and legs. Do you know why? For the last few ultrasounds, we have always found her slightly crossed at the ankles while the rest of her legs remain slightly open. Faraz, my husband, always holds his legs that way!!! It makes me giggle when I see her like that persistently! Like father, like daughter.
Legs outstretched, and feet crossed at ankles just like her daddy.
My sweet baby girl is so beautiful to me; I love her so much already. Her expressive little kicks, and delicious little movements make my heart so full. I love that she makes her existence known. This quote by Paul Eluard really captures how I feel about my lovely daughter. Every time I see her or feel her subtly kick, I remember this.
Translation: “I hear your voice in all of the world’s noise.”
And mommy will always be listening for you, my love.
02/26/2016
I woke up in quite a vulnerable mood today. Again, vulnerability is not necessarily a “bad” emotion. It’s just that I feel highly connected today; I feel as if I’m intricately in tune to the frequencies within me and around me. I do have to say, however, there is an undeniable tinge of sadness to the emotion of vulnerability. It’s not even so much grief, or lethargy, but more sensitivity—an ability to hurt with the world. I’m highly feely today. There is an undeniable softness that accompanies vulnerability; it has to. It would be impossible to have a iron-clad interior and simultaneously be able to connect with others. So, I’m thankful for this vulnerability. It reminds me of our very fragile human condition; it reminds me of the inherent vulnerability of our very existence. We are always in the process of letting go, and losing certain aspects of our lives. As we grow, we consistently shed layers of ourselves to accumulate new and improved versions of ourselves. We continue to this process till we eventually come to pass. There is a tinge of sadness to this inevitability, right?
Today, I’m actually really grateful for something good that happened yesterday night. The reason I am talking about it today is because the good vibes created from that experience are seeping into today (aA). Everytime I return home, my sister and I will have a pampering session. We grab our favorite bath balms from Lush, fill up the tub with soothing hot water, put on our swim suits, and just lay on each end of the tub, and talk about everything in between life and death. Today, we put the intergalactic bath balm in the water and watched in wonder, like little kids, as it burst into a peacock-colored glittery frenzy in the water! Ah. It was pure joy.
As we sat in our glittering goddess bath tub, we laughed till our stomachs hurt— about how random teas from Starbucks remind us of the smell of our cats! We discussed the things that we are afraid of losing in life, and how we are coping with the changes that are coming along. We added to our collection of cat memes, discussed the most ridiculous child raising strategies, listened to our favorite songs, (with our own renditions of it of course) MERSALICIOUS lol. but most of all—we thanked each other as we arrived to the same familiar conclusion. Once more, we come to the humbling realization that we are so blessed in our sisterhood bond. There are so many sisters who don’t get along—who have their relationships tinged with the bitterness of jealousy, competition and comparison. But aA, by God’s grace, we were spared from that trial. No matter how long it has been since I’ve seen her, every time we get together, we end up acknowledging how special our bond is, in so many words. I know that it is the one thing that we both want to withstand the test of time. Alhamdullilah for the best sister. She is my best friend!
Today, I also want to discuss something that I feel is a delicately subtle blessing bestowed upon all of us—the blessing of choice.
I am so grateful for it. Regardless of whatever happens to us, we can choose how we react to it. Today, I was talking with two people about a similar catastrophe that befell them; their attitudes about their lives, the event, and its lingering effects couldn’t be more starkly different! One person was very lethargic, and looked upon her life with a jaded bitter regret. The other, however, seemed to have discovered greater meaning to her life through the suffering; she found purpose to it. She looked back upon it as a life lesson, a necessary stepping stone, claiming that the experience has made her into the wholehearted, happy-go-lucky person that she is today.
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
02/27/2016
😦 Sigh 😦
Today was…trying. This probably isn’t going to start off as an expected entry from a gratitude journal, but if you bear with me, I promise I’ll get around to the silver lining. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently; my husband and I are in the middle of a move; we have a daughter on the way; there’s been changes in my career path, my visiting back and forth between family and living with my husband; let’s not forget the plethora of changes pregnancy brings about. My body is changing; my ability to do/not do certain things is changing; my hormones are fluctuating. Everything seems to be at the whims of change.
I think the reality of these compounded changes really hit me today. I’m not even going to lie, I think I had a borderline anxiety attack. You know, certain things are never going to be the same again. Having a baby means that the thought “me and Faraz” will rarely cross my mind again. It will always always be my daughter, me and my husband. Things that have semed so effortless, like going to the gym, or going on late night grocery runs are going to have to undergo some creative adjustments; I mean, let’s be real…there’s only so much “spontaneity” you can have in your life, when you have to plan 15 minutes in advance to strap in a carseat, dress your tot for the temperature outside, and pack a bag for their unanticipated accidents.
Another thing that has been scaring me about being a mother is the essence of this experience; on a level, my daughter is going to be my replacement generation. And though she was a thoroughly planned, and long anticipated child, that truth is just scary to think about. Her coming highlights the fact we are no longer going to be the “kids” anymore. This realization really highlights the fact that we are aging, and that time seems to be flying away. I have an inkling that once she’s born, time is going to speed up even more. She will grow up right before my eyes, and before I know it, we’ll be planning for another baby, and then boom! I’m the soccer mom and Faraz is a little league coach. I wish there was a way to hit the pause button, and just process everything for a second.
The fact that we are moving into a bigger place in March is also layering on the change. You guys, we’re letting go of the apartment that we’ve had since the beginning of our marriage. That was mine and faraz’s first residence together. The place is full of remnants and memories of our earliest years; it was the place that witnessed the evolution of us fighting relentlessly with each other to fighting relentlessly to be with each other. There are countless memories at every nook and turn. To think that I won’t be able to walk back into a place I’ve called home for nearly half a decade blows my mind.
All in all, these changes are certainly inciting some fear in my restless spirit. I’m grateful, however, that there is always a flipside to the frightening aspects of the process; the other side of fear is excitement. This move, and the arrival of the baby characterizes an exciting, new times in my life. Yes, it will no longer be just me and Faraz, but perhaps, having another being to think about will be fulfilling and leave me wholehearted. I am so grateful for having five beautiful years of just me and my husband. I think that time gave us the opportunity to thoroughly get to know one another, not just as partners, but as people. We became acquainted with each other’s hopes and dreams, fears and aspirations; now, I find us in a place, where we foster a deep appreciation for the other person’s individual presence, not just their role as a partner.
It is also exciting to consider that we’re getting a bigger place that puts us in a better location to get to school/work more easily. I’m looking forward to building new memories there. I think, in retrospect, I’ll appreciate the move at this time, because it will mark the arrival of my daughter. Faraz & I created beautiful memories in the apartment together…just the two of us., However, this new place will become the canvas for painting new memories with the three of us…our daughter!
Our daughter’s room in the new place
Times of change make me really grateful that “home” is a feeling and not a place. We can let go of the material things and still have the sensation of home. I’m utterly grateful that the sensation of belonging arises from the people, experiences and interactions we have in our life. “Home” is being embraced into my husband’s loving arms after a hard day. “Home” is seeing my cat’s fluffy orange tail twitch with excitement when he sees me. “Home” is the feeling I get when I dance around to “I like to move it, move it” with all the creatures of the house. “Home” is sprawling out on the ground, writing in diaries, with the aroma of vanilla-smelling candles filling up the room. Home is NOT a place. It is a feeling. And I’m so grateful that I am taking all the elements that help infuse that life and meaning into my world with me. My husband, my cats, and our memories will be left untouched.
Though I understand (and certainly feel) that change is scary, I’m really grateful that the changes we are undergoing are not ones that are catastrophic or traumatic. They are not changes brought upon by a natural disaster, an onset of a sudden illness, or the destruction of a dream. They take on the category of transitional changes, as opposed to catastrophic changes. This makes me so utterly grateful. I’m so happy we are all safe and sound; we are in good health, and that we are gifted with the BLESSING of a new addition to the family. These transitions are beautiful, necessary and normal in the process of life. I’m also very thankful that I get to hold onto my anchor, my husband, (and him, me) throughout these transitory changes. It’s like carrying around my blanket of stability, familiarity, and safety with me; the soothing effect of knowing that he will be there, and that my family and his family will be there is a truly comforting and cooling breeze over my restless heart.
Lastly, I am shockingly thankful for panic, and overwhelming anxiety. I know that while they are affecting me, I feel crippled, frozen and like I’m stuck and suffocating. But…if I practice adequate courage, and allow these feelings to move within me, they create space for acceptance and serenity. Despite the variability in stimuli that may trigger a fearful response, there is an undeniable predictability in accepting and letting these feelings move through us; once we do, we feel lighter, better, and more hopeful—even if our situations haven’t changed much. I’m grateful for this ability to regulate internal homeostasis; I’m grateful that I can choose to have my peace, regardless of what circumstance befalls me.
02/28/2016
I’m so grateful for loving parents. They could tell I had a rough day yesterday, and they’ve done everything in their power to make me feel better. And you know what? They’ve succeeded. Thank God for people that care about me so deeply—the people that know that when I push them away, all I’m really wanting is to see if they care enough to push back.
I’m grateful for the familiar sun rising, beautifully marking the opportunity for a new beginning. With the rise of the sun, I realize that yesterday is now gone and that today is an absolutely new day. I can make of it as I will. It was really symbolic because I awoke with the sun shining on my face, letting me know that lightness had returned; I am once more restored to a world full of endless possibilities.
This really makes me realize the mercy of God. You may think of Him as Jesus, Buddha, nature, the universal laws, or whatever higher power you believe in. (I just happen to call him “Allah”). I’m really thankful for His mercy. The fact that today, I am feeling so much better than I was yesterday really highlights the fact that suffering is not uninterrupted. The course of one day, or even one hour does not accurately predict the course of the next day or the next hour. Things can turn up; there is always some element of “good” even in the worst days. For example, everything could be going array in a day but simply entering a store, being welcomed by a gust of cool air-conditioned air on a scalding hot day is something miniscule and “good”. day It makes it to where there is an undeniable interruption in the “badness” of events. I’m so thankful for this. Suffering never comes to us in an UNINTERRUPTED, continuous manner. Whether it be a colorful bird flying by, the sun shining on cold toes, a smile from a stranger, a convenient vacant parking space, or a warm bed to sleep in—there is always a “feel-good” interruption. I interpret the presence of these little miracles as extensions of mercy from God.
I’m also really thankful for the body’s ability to adapt. Today, I went into the gym and every part of me felt so sore from my strength training workout from Friday. They say that oftentimes, a cardiovascular workout is just what you need to get sore muscles feeling better. As I got on the elliptical, no part of me wanted to move; however, as the workout progressed, my muscles began to feel better! I think the improved circulation helped move along the accumulated lactic acid, my legs started to feel less sore. I’m really grateful for this and for the human body’s ability to adapt. I know I often gripe about change, but in small moments like this, I realize how utterly grateful I am that things don’t remain the same. I’m truly grateful for change. Without it, we would become stagnant, dry, and brittle; at its essence, we would be dead. And I don’t want to be dead while I’m alive. For as long as I live, I want to exude vivacious life energy.
I know we always hear things like this. But, it really floored me to watch the effects transpire right before me! As I watched the two women discuss their lives, I sat there, jarred. They went through the same essential experience, but their recollections couldn’t be more polar opposite. I’m truly thankful for this experience. It gently reminded me of our inherent, basic human liberty—the gift of choice.
abidmaham 