Today, I’m so grateful for sisterhood. What a blessing it is to be able to call your sister at 11 pm, and have her to confide in, laugh with and cry with. My little sister is absolutely wonderful, and I am absolutely amazed by her ability to help me through a rough day without EVER having talk about the problem. For some reason, a conversation about the specific issues bothering us is never needed. We end up talking about random things, like weird horror characters that can unhinge their jaws and swallow humans whole, and somehow that makes everything better. (I know, you’d be surprised). I’m thankful for friendships and all the love I have in my life, but I simultaneously can attest to the fact that there is no friend like a sister. How lucky I feel that somewhere along the way, God blessed me with her and now, I can call her my friend eternally.
I’m also surprisingly thankful for moments of loneliness. They have a way of stimulating you to turn inwards, and reflect on what really matters. Somehow, taking a walk alone at midnight in the shivering cold, alone with your thoughts is a really liberating, and empowering experience. You quickly realize that YOU not only are all that you have, but that you are also all that you need and that you are ENOUGH. By spending time with myself, I come to see a transformation from misery in loneliness to enjoyment in solitude; would you imagine that I’m not too awful of a company to have? Yes, my mind can be frantic, and I can be overly sentimental but my intentions are usually pretty noble. And, I think that’s pretty laudable. Perhaps, my own companionship will enrich me beyond measure.
I’m also really thankful for waking up and finding a warm, friendly, fuzzy Nemo next to me! Seriously, pets are angels disguised in fur! Seeing his sweet face in the middle of the night when I’m awakened by the baby’s kicks is such a soothing experience.
So I thought about writing about a lot of different things this week; I could speak about my fitness routine, my nutrition, and other topics that a few of you have expressed interest in. But, can I be completely honest with you?
There’s a lingering issue that has kept tugging on my heart recently. I feel that if I didn’t share it with you, I would be denying myself (and you) of the utmost authentic interaction we could have.
The matter that my mind and heart have been grappling with is the pesky concept of change. C-H-A-N-G-E. I mean, on some level, we all know that things change– that nothing remains the same. We wake up to different day with a brand-new sunrise; we nonchalantly check our clocks at work and realize that “time has passed.” But, really, how many of us have actually contemplated this idea of change in its profundity? Yes, I mean the absolutely scary, spine-chilling, hair-raising parts that accompany this inevitable truth. Everything is subject to change. Our bodies will not stay the same; neither will our minds. There is an imminent timeline on both our physical and mental capabilities; there will come a day when they, too, will change, and begin to deteriorate with age. To me, the most grievous part of the changing process is having to let the people in our lives change. The people we hold so dear to our hearts—our husbands, partners, fathers, brothers, mothers, sister, friends—even they are subject to the basic unsparing principle of impermanence; it’s heart wrenching to think that at times, letting these people change means coping with the fact that they must transition through and out of this world;there will come a day when you and I will no longer be able find comfort in the warm, soothing embraces of our beloveds.
But are change, impermanence and even death really as wretched as we make them out to be? Even the “we” that assigns these processes as negative and painful is not permanent. So, no. I don’t believe this processes are inherently bad. I think they just inherently are.
Recently, change and impermanence have been sowing through my spirit deeply and painfully. Pregnancy has a way of highlighting the truths we work so arduously to ignore; I mean, your growing body makes life’s consistent fluctuations quite difficult to neglect. Pregnancy is a time of great physical and emotional change for women. Everything from the size of our bellies to the speed at which our hearts beat, to how much blood is pumping through our veins fluctuates voraciously over a cramped period of nine months.
And to me, that’s frankly terrifying.In our society, there are far too many ludicrous “old-wives tales” and burdensome stereotypes about pregnancy. One such implicates pregnancy to be a time in which expectant women are only allowed to burst with love for the miraculous gift of life they are growing; (forget bursting with tears over the fluctuating horomones, and physiological aches and pains). Pregnancy is said to be an exciting, incomparable and life-altering experience. Yes, that is true. But society can be too hasty in glazing over the unfavorable aspects.
For me, the most challenging aspect of pregnancy has been tolerating its rapid and repetitive changes. I, personally, have a very difficult time coexisting with uncertainty and change. My most amiable attitude towards it can be described as mandatory toleration. “Change, I acknowledge that you exist” but ” I’m absolutely terrified of you, and would like it if you could just stay as far away from me as possible…”
“Oh, and if you must come…please arrive as slowly and gently as possible.”
To hell with that in pregnancy.
~CHANGES IN PREGNANCY~
I’m about mid-way through my pregnancy, and recently, my growing belly has started playing hide-and-seek with me. At times, I’ll notice the protruding bump, and the next moment it’s completely gone. I can’t help but await in anxious uncertainty, wondering when I’ll “pop.” I have mixed feelings about it. However, for every distressed change, there is an inspiring counterpart. For me, this has been the movement of my baby girl. Whenever I’m very still, (which to be honest, is rare), I’ll feel her fluttering about. Oh my goodness, that sensation is electrifying, and the feelings it creates within me–they are indescribable. Her little butterfly waltz sends a set of my OWN “love flutters” through my heart.
Another major change that is transpiring is the birth of this insatiable hunger. I think this sensation is, by far, the toughest one for me to handle. On a cognitive level, I have heard and known that “pregnancy brings about more hunger; for god sake, you’re growing a baby…” But Yikes!!! Experiencing it firsthand is an entirely different story. You guys, they really weren’t kidding. The thing is that my activity level hasn’t changed drastically (another positive change), but for some odd reason, I was expecting that the same nutrients that were able to sustain me before my pregnancy would be enough for me and my baby. This was true for the first trimester, but now…boy, am I wrong!! And every morning, at 4 am, every morning…this thing awakens within my womb. RAHHHH!!!
how i picture my daughter in the womb at the break of dawn
My little dictator daughter wakes me up with a ravenous hunger that I cannot EVEN put into words. And suddenly, I’m transformed into a horrifying hybrid of the cookie monster and Godzilla; you can find me stamping around the house wanting to eat everything in sight!!! Even silverware! Humor aside…this feeling is honestly quite unfamiliar to me, and its unfamiliarity really frightens me. Its presence makes it apparent to me that the delicate balance that I had found before has been disrupted. My happy, “pre-pregnancy balance” of nutritional intake and activity level is now offset.
So here’s me telling you that if you are, have been, or are planning to get pregnant—it is not all glamorous. And you are under no obligation or oath to enjoy every moment of it.
The ravenous hunger, clamorous queasiness, manic mood swings, inferno-like heartburn, and unpredictable muscle-aches are completely real. Sometimes, they feel more real than the miracle you are actually carrying. And then, there are the cruel comical changes going on in your body…weird changes to your lady parts, bellies expanding to uncomfortable lengths and when you lay your head to sleep, you’re left with a weighty awareness. You are left with the glaring realization that your body does not solely belong to you anymore. You are now sharing control with a whole other being. How freaking scary is that?
So no, you are certainly not a sociopath for being wary of “growing a miracle inside of you.” It does not, by any means, indicate how much you will love and sacrifice for that little human. It just emphasizes that you, too, are just human.
HEY YOU! A lot of you reading this are probably not pregnant, so how does what I’m saying apply to you? Though you may not have a fetus pressing on your bladder as you read this, I can bet that YOU too HAVE had to endure undesirable changes.
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS
What is your relationship with change? Do you embrace it? Simply tolerate it? Spend great energy in avoiding it?
What are some of the ways you cope with change? What specific things do you do to tolerate it?
What are some aspects of your life that you see undesirable changes in? (fluctuations in weight, in your motivation level, your inspiration, dedication to your relationships, career changes etc.)
How are you currently tolerating these unwanted changes?
So how do I, Maham Abid, recommend that you get get through it? Well, I have 5 WAYS that I use.
Keep reminding yourself that it is only temporary. The not so sharp-sided edge of the sword of change is that it is only temporary. The only that that NEVER changes in life is that EVERYTHING always changes. This means wherever you are in your life—at whatever level of motivation, whatever weight, whatever mood, or whatever circumstance–your current predicament is not your final one; it is subject to change. In essence, “change” is not good or bad; it is our own cognitive perceptions make it out to be the “bad guy.” So theoretically speaking, this means that things could literally change for the better RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT! You could totally win the lottery, get back on the meal plan you desired, muster up enough magical motivation to achieve your goals and live the life you’ve always wanted.
Focus on how things could change/have changed for the better already! I’m not saying that you actually have to make your mind believe this. But, it might be a good idea to simply CONSIDER some positive changes that could potentially come about from your current situation. You’re at rock bottom? Well, there’s only one way to go up from there!
Even for me, there have been several positive changes in pregnancy! My natural tendency is to magnify and worry about the negative ones BUT there are some phenomenal things that HAVE come about as a result of me being pregnant! I’ll (hesitantly) discuss four with you!
POSITIVE #1: I have become a stronger and faster athlete. I am able to run longer distances in faster paced times! Who knew that a few extra pounds would have done that for me?
POSITIVE #2: I have a lot more energy to do the things that I want to do (counterintuitive to most pregnancy stories, but hey, I’m 100% unique!)
POSITIVE #3: I have been super in-tune with my emotions, which has allowed me to become more vulnerable, sensitive and compassionate to those around me. This, in turn, has helped my personal relationships blossom. My network of support is certainly gaining fortitude.
POSITIVE #4: Pregnancy has really elucidated my mind’s propensity to catastrophize and “expect the worst”…this has really forced me to start to break life down to “taking it one day at a time.”
Make time for you- my third recommendation is that if you’re feeling emotionally “off” or down, try to do something that you used to enjoy before. I get it. Sometimes when you’re feeling crummy, it FEELS like you’re going to have to expend enough energy to move mountains in order to do something that you previously enjoyed. This leads me to my next point. But before we go on to that, I really want you to brainstorm of a few activities or hobbies that really made you feel happy, or like yourself before. For me, specifically, this has usually been engaging in physical activity, reading a self-help book or writing.
Start Small: Great things almost always start small. But really, “greatness” is a lofty goal that makes me cringe. I’m sure if you’re feeling helpless at the whims of change, you’ve not even looking for “greatness.” At this point, you’re probably just seeking some seedling of normalcy or “okay-ness” in your day-to-day routine. I’ve got good news for you, because one of the most interesting realizations I’ve come to is that this small, “least expectations” sort of thinking usually results in better progress. For example, there was a time period a few months ago when I just could not get myself to run a MILE. To me, this was a crisis. Here’s someone who is used to running and enjoying 5-7 miles at a time, and now, all of a sudden, I can’t muster up the motivation to run a mile? So logically, I decided that I was going to run half a mile. Yup—that didn’t happen. So I dejectedly lowered my expectations to just taking a walk around the block…that was about as successful as me running a triathlon. You’d think I started by just taking a walk around the block. So I kept lowering my expectations till I finally could get myself to the smallest thing possible to bring me closer to my goal. You know what that was? To read a book about running. So if you’re not seeing any progress, ask yourself, what is an EVEN smaller thing I can do to bring me ½ step closer to living the life I want?
If you can’t do great things, do small things in a great way
Pray- ~Disclaimer~: I really want you to try to detach any religious dogmas and preconceptions you may have when you read this suggestion. I know that the word “pray” can carry a heavy connotation for some who do not believe in God. The reason I have this on my suggestion list is because a lot of my resistance to change is based on the root feeling of FEAR. I’m afraid of change, because I think that things will change for the worse. I’m afraid that with change, something really terrible will happen. What I’ve found is that the only CURE to fear is FAITH. I’m not only referring to faith in a deity such as God, or Jesus, or Buddha (those are fine too though!) I’m referring to having faith in the innate “goodness” of things—having faith in the cause-effect relationships in the universe. I have to remind myself consistently to have faith that things might not turn out as horrible as I have imagined them out to be.
Have a sense of humor– This suggestion is one that I have to thank my dad for. In my last visit, he literally looked at me, smiled and said: “why do you take things so seriously!?” I think part of that is my nature, but I think it’s a really important question to consider! Coming back to the topic of this post—change—everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever, so why do we linger so painstakingly on circumstances that will just pass? I’ve really been trying to joke with my mind, and its tendencies to catastrophize recently. Sometimes, we all just need to step out of ourselves, and look at our minds, and just laugh at the little magical instruments that are working so very hard to protect us from dangers that simply don’t exist yet.
NUMBER #5If you forget everything else, REMEMBER THIS- Not everything your mind tells you is the TRUTH.Your mind knows how to lie too. It’s sole job is to try to protect you. If it senses danger, it switches on its alarms and will create any illusion/delusion it needs to get you to safety. This is a noble and admirable mission, but it can have some annoying consequences too. Depending on who you are, the mind can sometimes react to a mosquito and a lion with the same threat level. So please—do not believe everything your mind tells you. Learn from my mistakes.
~MY CATASTROPHIZING~
I remember during the first trimester, I was SO frightened everyday that I was going to have a miscarriage. Every time I used the bathroom, I expected to see blood denoting “the worst is happening; I’m losing my baby.”
During early second trimester, I was terrified that there was some chromosomal or physiological abnormality in my child…”What if her brain isn’t developed so far?” “What if she has 6 toes?” “What if her ears grow upside down?” Ugh. There is no end.
So I’ll share something something humorous (and totally vulnerable)? Don’t laugh at me. (okay, you totally can. Because I’m cracking up typing this). So initially, I did have a gender preference. My husband relentlessly wanted a girl, and I really wanted a boy; the 16th week rolls around, and we find out it’s a girl. Two doctors confirm it. Do I believe it? Heck no. Two weeks later, we go again, to a DIFFERENT doctor and the only thing different was…tada! MORE developed and noticeable lady parts. Okay, let’s try out one of those elective ultrasound places that do gender reveals! Yay! What do you think it was? Now, finally, at my mid-pregnancy appointment, we’ve gotten a total of 6 different opinions confirming it’s a girl.
You guys, the reason I kept rechecking is not because I was that hellbent on it being a boy; in fact, I was starting to be happy that it was a girl. Truth be told…the reason I kept checking was because the whole time… I was PETRIFIED that this little girl was going to somehow grow “guy parts” too. Then, we’ll have the best of both worlds?What were we going to do then? I’m telling you guys…my mind is a creative little bungalow of ideas, sometimes bordering on hypochondriasis.
So long story short, none of those things happened (so far). Not ONE of my fears came true. So you and I–we are under no obligation to believe that the fears our minds create are going to, with 100% guarantee, come true. We have the power to question the validity of our thoughts, and accordingly reject or accept them.What a relief that is!
I love running because it really highlights the fact that our minds sometimes lie.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope that some aspects of this blog are able to help both, you and I, handle the ebbs and flows of life with more ease. Let’s drop our heavy swords, and cease this endless expenditure of energy in resisting the current of life. Let’s just float…
And you know what, if we can’t seem to do that…then, let’s just ACCEPT that at this point in our lives, we are having trouble surrendering to the flow of things. Even accepting what we have trouble accepting is nonresistance. Haha, tricked ya’, mind!
There is so much relief that comes from not fighting the currents of this life. It’s so nice not having to swim against the tide, and instead spend time floating atop the water. Relinquish control and place your trust in the wisdom of this large ocean. I promise its sage, erudite currents will safely deliver you and I to our next magnificent destination.
When I feel that my energy is off balance, I love sitting outside and thinking.
You know the feeling I’m talking about! A certain chakra in your body lets you know that something isn’t right; you may not be able to put your finger on it, but you intuitively feel that something is amiss. We all seem to feel certain things when our core energies are misaligned with that of the magnamonious universe.
However, some of us resort to deal with the resultant anxiety through familiar maladaptive coping mechanisms; there are the obvious ones such as self-harm, substance abuse, eating disorders, and other obsessive-compulsive tendencies. But then, there are the subtle addictions we use to cope–we may drown ourselves in our careers or an activity; we may foster codependency in our intimate relationships; we may inaccurately project our “identity” onto our children; we may become overly dependent on the approval of others…etc.
It is okay if you have used one of the preceding mechanisms to cope before. I have used several. This makes you like the 7 billion others of us ❤ It is human nature to act in a manner that reduces anxiety. So, when faced with these unavoidable distressful feelings, what do we do? What do you do?
I drown in the earth.
Sometimes, I literally build a small “earth castle” around my silhouette, and lay in the earth, allowing my body to absorb its majestic healing energy.
yes. this happens.
My body, mind and soul seem to function most efficiently when I’m outdoors. Sitting down and having tea with the world allows me to experience some of the mostpeaceful feelings I have stumbled upon yet. I just sit on the ground and look all around me until I become a mere observer.
Quietly, I survey and inhale all the yummy sounds, sights and smells around me, all the while rejoicing in my delightful contact with Mother Earth. I continue to lovingly enfold in her arms, until I unknowingly abandon the confining box of my biased preconceptions and charged views about the world; I return to a neutral state of “being.”
Life is bigger than me.
I begin to notice the wisdom and beauty of nature all around me and I feel so marvelously miniscule compared to everything else. I realize, then, that I’m just one little girl in this big, big universe–that I will spend my allotted time here and leave this confusing but nevertheless beautiful place, just like all those before me.
I smile and look at the trees, the sky,ground and the grass as I’m endowed with unshakable certainty that they are all supporting me. They are watching over me like omniscient guardians. And I am grateful.
Even when unexpected and seemingly “dreadful” events conspire, I know that, ultimately, the universe is taking care of me, and guiding me towards the extraordinary path that has always been destined for me. I had a purpose before anyone, including myself, had an opinion about it ❤
Ah! And, as I slowly arrive to this realization once more, the sweet butterflies commence their excited and eager waltz within my stomach! I begin to have this overwhelming feeling of faith–in this world, it’s creatures and its people. And, I notice a newfound appreciation for myself–because, even I, small little Maham Abid, am part of something so much bigger and more significant than myself.
I begin to have so much compassion for all of humanity, and how fervidly we attempt to guard the delectable delicacies of this life–its gifts of happiness, love and trust. But, each one of us will neglect these bounties at some point, as we are imperfect; we can’t always understand and take care of all these cherished but ever-so-fragile gifts. We can only try our best.
Isn’t that what we are all doing? (though some in more twisted, incomprehensible ways than others)? No matter how different we may appear to be, we are all doing the best we can to survive the many powerful, and inevitable forces of life. Day and night, each one of us strives towards the same goal; we all want to make it.
This understanding gives me the power to rise above smaller battles and find forgivenenss for myself and all other people in this big complex world.
There is only one love. I was born in love; I am created of it. Therefore, it is only natural that I must give it wholly, and receive it with open-arms.
Ever walked into the middle of a movie—no clue as to what was happening prior to you seeing it. Why is that guy trying to kill the other one? Who is she, and why is she carrying a baby alligator around? Huh?
Our very existence is like watching a movie from the middle. We woke up in this world one day, with no recollection of where we were before—no recollection of where we came from, how we got here, and why we’re here.
If we’re lucky, we awoke to two “somewhat functioning” adults holding us, and helping us. And perhaps along the way, they decided to bring some other equally confused little aliens into this world. We begin to call these people “family.” Who are they? And why does it seem like they have our whole lives planned before we even can form our first words?
“What am I doing here?” Slowly, we begin to learn how to produce certain sounds that we associate with abstract objects—we call this language. We begin to communicate about things that are happening; in fact, we become so well-versed, that, some of us begin to spin poetic metaphors and literary allusions into masterpieces, which serve to capture the essence of this confounding life. These will be known as our greatest writers.
However, no matter how many literary tactics we employ to mystify and obscure the concept of human existence, we cannot, with full certainty, pinpoint the answer to the ultimate question: why are we here?
Some of us decide to gain some certainty through pulling on teachings of age-old religions, and others simply turn to testaments of our own experiences. Regardless of where we find our illusion of “certainty”, the inherent perplexity of human existence remains glaring.
As a therapist-in-training, I have some awareness of the unfortunate prevalence of addictions in our world. Yes there are the evident ones such as alcoholism, eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-harm. But then, there are also those faint addictions—the addictions that tend to get “normalized”, as they are more accepted by society. These are the addictions to other people, the addiction to things, the addiction to abstract concepts such as success and accomplishment.
I would go as far as saying that, to some degree, every single one of us is an addict. Workaholics, workoutaholics, codependents, hoarders, sex addicts, money addicts. We become addicted to our partners, to our children, to “best friends.” That’s not the end of it. Some of us suffer from addictions that are intangible—we become addicted to attaining fame, beauty, success.
Why is human existence marked with coming in and out of different addictions? I truly and wholeheartedly believe that it is because our very existence has been out of control. All the preceding addictions are mechanisms that we use to deal with the lack of control we had in our very own existence. No entity asked for my permission before I was born. I don’t recall me signing a document instating my birth. Out of the millions of choices, why did that specific sperm have to fertilize that specific egg to create ME?
This brings me to the point of this blog: CHOICES.
They are beautiful burdensome trinkets. Regardless of circumstances, everything comes down to choice. They say “10% of what happens to you is life, and 90% is how you choose to deal with it.” I am in complete agreement with that statement. The world could be crumbling outside, but I will possess have a choice in how to react to it. Every single thing comes down to choice. “Not making a choice” is also a choice.
Let me tell you about an interesting experience. 19 years into my life, I realized that I had not yet made the active choice to live. HUH? I had become a passive bystander in my life—just letting life do whatever it wanted. “The greatest choice you will ever make is the one to live. Most people simply just exist.” And that’s exactly what it came down to.
It wasn’t so much that I “gave up” on life, as “giving up”, in itself, is an active choice. It was more like I had, simply, chosen not to choose when it came to matters of my own being. I didn’t wake up and DECIDE to be happy. Instead, I let the day’s events dictate whether or not I would feel happy. It was as if, i was (and still am (to some extent)), a leaf that was just blowing around in the wind—untethered to a stable source. For 19 years, I remained unanchored to the robust, secure tree of personal choice. Circumstances dictated my mood, my self-worth, my ambition, my energy—my life.
For 19 whole years. I didn’t even once affirm “regardless of what this day brings, I choose to act in a manner that increases inner peace and happiness.”
And then, I met my husband.
Needless to say, he found me scattered at my most vulnerable, confused state of being. In a lot ways, I was undergoing an identity crisis. “Which parts of my life are truly “mine”? I questioned “Which parts are the ones that I actually chose?”
I never did find the answers to those questions. I stopped looking for them. Instead, I made the very first choice I consciously remember making.
I chose him. I chose my husband.
It’s ironic because our marriage was arranged in nature. I remember the day I chose as clearly as if it were yesterday. I remember, sitting in my blue summer dress, on the sidewalk, barefooted. My husband and his family had just left my house, after seeing me for the very first time. I was 19. I was frightened, uncertain, unprepared, shaking.
A picture of me in my blue dress FROM that very day
I liked him. It felt right. I think. Maybe? What if it isn’t right? What if he’s not the one? What if this is going to be the biggest mistake of my life? Oh my goodness, it is isn’t it? I will regret this forever. Don’t do it. Do it. Don’t do it. Do it.
My dashing thoughts were rudely interrupted by the chirping of a bird. Annoyed, I snapped back to glare at him. And there he was–eating some seeds off the middle of the road, completely at ease, unaware of his agitating chirps. In the distance, I heard a car approaching–it came closer. Closer. Closer.
My heart jumped into my throat as I fretted fearfully for the bird’s life. “WHY ISN’T IT FLYING AWAY!? Is it DEAF!?” I winced, as the car came within touching distance of the bird, and boom. There he went. He flew towards the sky. A few moments after the car passed, the bird swiftly returned to the ground and began picking at his seeds, completely at ease–completely unaware that his life had just been in danger.
I exhaled loudly and stared with wonder and perplexity at this seemingly “unintelligent” creature. And, as it’s beady black eyes met mine, a bizarre thought crossed my mind. “What if I’M the unintelligent creature?”
As human beings, we spend all day and night fretting about what could go wrong. We approach every scenario as if it is one of life and death. For some of us, it is. Many of us are truly brought to “life or death” circumstances, in which we’re spared right at the nick of time. However, so few of us ever focus on the fact that we were spared. WE ARE ALIVE. Instead, we stay inside, worried, afraid to ever go back out “on the road” because we are afraid of the next car that will drive by.
I remember laughing at my fearful thoughts regarding the encounter, and I clearly recall looking up to the sun gently setting in the sky. “In this moment, I CHOOSE to be with this man!” I declared assertively, hoping to convince any higher power that may have resided up there.
I wasn’t going to let life happen to me. In that moment, I chose my husband, and in choosing him, I took an oath to doing all that I could do to make it work. I took an oath to not giving up when things got hard, and above all, I took an oath to go into the marriage FEARLESSLY.
This brings us back to the familiar concept of fear. So many of you may question things that I have questioned before Should I even “fight” for my life? Am I worth fighting for? Do I want to take charge of my life? “Um. Maham. Duh. Shut up. OF course.” These may be answers that seem simple and easy on the surface, but how many of us can honestly say “yes” to them in a manner that is as fierce as a racehorse running, full throttle, out of the starting gate?
Oh honey! Courage is not the absence of fear. It is simply the presence of something MORE powerful than fear. So, the horse passionately runs. It does what it would naturally do, no knowledge of what comes next; he courageously gallops out of the gate, no preoccupation with what’s ahead. He does what he loves to do.
My sweet friend, this is about life being ahead of you, and you making the choice to run towards it courageously! Will you do something for me?
I want for you to figure out what you desire—it could be anything, big or small. Figure it out. Verbalize it. Write it out, and declare your intention to the universe, as I did 4 beautiful years ago.
And now, think of the racehorse. There is no going back. You can only move forwards. Just RUN towards what you want fearlessly—no doubts, no preoccupation with what could go wrong, no energy wasted in thinking about “how hard it’s going to be” or “how long its going to take.” Nobody ever accomplished anything by fretting about how “impossible” it was going to be. You’ve done harder things, and the time will pass anyway. Just run. Run towards it, with arms wide open, and a heart brimming with excitement! Get ready to catch your dream, because, the entire universe and it’s cosmos is running back, towards YOU—the world is so excited for you two to finally meet. Your dream is not a separate entity from you. It was yours. It is yours. It has always been yours.
Perfect. So, we’ve got what “vision” means. A vision board is a collage, on which you pin quotes/pictures that remind you of your own vision–of your own goals and ideals that you aspire towards. Optimally, the board should be hung up in a place where you can see it everyday, so that you’re consistently reminded of the extraordinariness that you are destined for. ❤
One of my visions is to feel happiness–to live a life that is so beautifully lavished with gifts of joy, gentleness, and love. So, today, I wanted to share some pictures from my “happiness” vision board with all of you 🙂
Yayyy! I’m smiling as I write this because I’m imagining all of you smiling as you read this. Let’s smile together. Okay. Ready. Set. Go. SMILEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
See how connected we were in that moment? YAY! Before, I share my pictures with you, I wanted to let you know something interesting; when I ventured out to create my board, the only pictures I chose were those that my heart responded to first (prior to any mental registration). I chose pictures that made my heart tingle with absolutely no mental explanation as to why. ❤
❤ go find pictures that make you happy, and look at them every single day!
My niece, who just turned two, has two pet-words that she uses all the time. Any guesses as to what they are?
“That’s MINE.”
This led me to thinking that so many of our troubles become nascent in possessive pronouns. Even the very language we learn is indicative of the profound false illusion we all live in: that we have unlimited, unbound control over our lives. Like other members of the animal kingdom, we live our entire lives defending—consistently preoccupied with defending encroachment from others. As children, we start guarding OUR toys and OUR things. As teenagers, we begin to guard OUR friends and OUR partners. As adults, we begin to guard OUR careers and OUR family.
The underlying misconception to that thought process is that nothing is truly “ours.” We are not even truly ours, as each and every one of us will cease to exist. The root of human suffering arises when we feel that our lovers, and friends are OURS. Our view towards them becomes that of possession. We almost begin to believe that they belong to us. It is no surprise, therefore, that we become profoundly wounded when unfortunate events lead to our best friends betraying us, our boyfriends cheating on us, our careers falling through. In so many ways, we all experience the same primordial emotion: Loss; it’s as if we win the lottery one day and find ourselves bankrupt the next. The intensity of how severely we “hurt” is directly correlated with how much we identify with the false illusion of life belonging to us.
Some of us break. We shatter; every little ounce of strength within us seems to evaporate away. There’s no shame in admitting this. I have been there. In fact, I, still, find myself back there often. We are the ones who worry too much, stress ourselves into ulcerated infernos; we are the “control-freaks.”
Nothing is permanently ours. That friend, that boyfriend, your favorite shirt, your health–every single thing is a gift that must not be taken for granted.
I mean, how mystifying are human beings? We work assiduously to find cures to the most deadly diseases of our time, however, we cannot seem to accept such a simple concept. We have trouble comprehending that our family, our friends, our boyfriends, our clothes, our houses, our wealth, our children, our pets–“our” everything is not ours. Each of those things can be taken away in a moment. In fact, this very LIFE is not ours. It is an opportunity–for some perceivers a curse, and for others a gift.
Each time something or someone is taken from you, you may fall apart. But honey, “falling apart” is a magical and beautiful blessing. It is a reminder from the universe, God, or whichever “higher power” you confide in. It is a message that serves to redirect your attention back towards the beautifully frustrating truth: nothing is yours forever. Things are not going to go the way you plan. The people in your life are not yours to keep. They never were. They never will be. For godsake, you’re not even yours.
This brings me to back to the title of this post: surrender. In no ways does surrender mean relinquishing all control of our lives. If this was the case, criminals would not be held accountable for their actions. Instead, “surrender” means to turn our attention to the things we can control, and begin to let go of the rest. It seems as if some of the only things we possess control over are deep within the inner cores of our mind and heart. We can only manage the internal environment created by our thoughts, feelings, and actions. As for rest, I suppose, we surrender.
I recently discovered an old letter I had written to God in my time of distress; I wanted to share it. I know that many of you reading this may believe in different higher powers, or may simply believe in the governing laws of the universe. Consequently, I ask of you to read the proceeding letter with an open mind and an open heart, as I truly and wholeheartedly believe that every person, regardless of their faith, can relate to it.
Dear Universe/God,
I am back, once more, your wounded soldier. I am tired of fighting, blinded, all for a nonexistent cause—a cause that ceases to exist. I am struggling so hard towards an impermanent goal…in an even more impermanent world–one that will likewise cease to exist. The breeze of realizations has kissed my face once more. In actuality, nothing, not one thing that I lovingly call my “prized possession” truly belongs to me. Not the soothing words of authors that grant wings to my lifeless dreams, nor the light parental touch on the forehead that sends my broken soul to its plight, or those tender kisses gifted by a true love’s mouth; nothing; nothing is mine. And now I see. My bleeding heart, my fallen soul have gifted me with eyes to see, to comprehend, to know that each momentary breath is not mine, and whenever you so please, the chains of death can ensnare me and then, even I, so “powerful” of a being, will cease to exist. I will go, soaring back, like that destined loose leaf traveling back up to the majestic tree of life that Abraham,Jesus, Moses, Mohammad (pbuh), Gandhi, Mother Tereasa, Buddha and other enlightened beings descended from.
I am a tired artist; tired of molding, drawing, shaping, sculpting, and painting this masterpiece called life. I am running out of colors, running out of designs, running out of direction—i’m fatigued and why? Because I am fighting my own brush; each dainty stroke that tries to coat over the endless white paper, I consciously stop. Each beautiful stroke is willed by you, Magnificent One; one that may transform this ordinary sheet of nothingness into a work of art even more valued than de Vinci’s La Gioconda. I stand here, your wounded soldier, tired; tired of fighting the extraordinariness destined for me; tired of denying the greatness that was bestowed upon my ancestors, tired of fighting blindly for my foolish cause, for my foolish stubbornness, for my foolish desires.
So here I am, my own adversary, fallen to my knees, in tears, pressed into this lonely corner of your world. Here I am, once more, suppliant, begging, pleading, beseeching one glance from you. Just one so that I may be rescued from the boat of life that I have mistakenly commenced to sink. Now, that I see no beginning and seek no end, please take hold of my paintbrush, take hold of my hand and help me paint the extraordinary masterpiece I was destined to create. Please carry me till I am strong enough to walk, please place the fragile, glass pieces of my splintered being together. Oh higher power! Please respond to my piercing cries! Here I am, your wounded solider, calling out to you. I have not yet become a “fallen soldier”, only wounded, because till this moment in life, You have not let me fall. Grant me with wings so that my soul may sour once again.
Your wounded soldier
Surrender. It is not a choice for the weak-hearted.
Surrender is not a passive, hopeless choice. It is not in anyway “settling” for less. On the contrary, “to surrender” is one of the most ACTIVE and magnamonious choices any person can make. For it is the act of surrender that allows for our internal energy to become aligned with the magical, and majestic ways of the universe. It is in surrender, that we choose to stop expending nervous, fearful energy towards external circumstances that lay outside of our control.
Active surrender restrains us from barking orders at life, and instead, begin to gently question it. “What is it that YOU, the universe, want from me today?” And sometimes, the only answer, we may get is: “to breathe” or “to be.” I’m starting to believe that, not only are those perfectly acceptable answers, but that they are also the best ones. But that will be the topic for another blog.
For now, I’d like to end with this compelling thought by Nisargadatta Maharaj
If you have specific requests, questions or concerns that you’d like to hear my 0.02 cents on, then please leave them in a comment below!
Be on the look out for my blog post tomorrow! I hope you all will enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. I may have left my heart all over it ❤ sorry
PS: you are one nifty soul in a human body! I kinda sorta love you ❤
That is precisely why Charles Darwin, much more eloquently than I, said exactly what he did about the “survival of fittest.” It is the species that is most adaptable to change.
This brings me to speak about perfectionism–something I have struggled with most of my life. The thing with perfectionism is that it assumes an endpoint. It pressures you to work towards some sort of destination–a concrete, tangible endpoint.
However, an endpoint, in a sense, is analogous to death. It symbolizes stagnation–a cessation of movement, an endpoint to all fluidity. Is this what we desire when we “strive for perfection”? Do we want death?
Nothing can be accomplished by NOT moving forwards. The very human body is reminiscent of this. Our breath grounds itself in movement. The automatic expansion/contraction of our ribcages, the push and pull of our diaphragm–these intricate movements create continually changing pressures, which essentially, allow us to live!
Another beautiful example is human muscles! They begin to decay once they are no longer moving. Even our cognition–the way we think–the way we recall memories is fluid. In fact, a memory is an amalgamation of different changing experiences. We combine what our eyes saw with that which our ears heard, and that with the smells, and tastes we identified with the situation to form a memory.
Fluidity–movement–these are mechanisms that are vital to existence of life. I’m beginning to think that chronic stress and existential anxiety have to do with attempting to go against this ever-changing fluidity. Perhaps depression and all of its siblings rise from attempting to contain the human spirit within a subset of rigid inflexible boundaries.
The truth is that there is nothing absolutely inflexible in life; these are life’s beloved “gray areas”. The only certain inflexible truth is death. Nothing in life lasts forever–not the “good” or “bad.” Everything changes, and resisting that universal law does not benefit any creature. Change continues to happen, with or without my permission–with or without my acceptance.
What does this all mean in terms of fitness? Fitness is movement. It is fluid, everchanging and adapting. Fitness is reflective of life. Due to its dynamic nature, it lies in perfect harmony with the universal law of change. In moving, we are changing–each step, each motion, it’s unlike the one before it. We, therefore, begin this intimate dance with the universe–reflecting and mirroring its majestic, consistently inconstant ways.
But fitness, like life, can sometimes begin to feel like a punishment. Why? I can’t answer that question without discussing some of the”rigid” boundaries we place around it: weight, BMI, body fat percentage and measurements. These are our attempts to house the discomfort that comes alongside the fact that nothing lasts. We cannot keep our “dream body” forever–unless we kill it while we have it. Our body will change. Fluctuations are normal, natural, expected, UNDENIABLE.
One day, we may have to buy a different pair of jeans. One day, our thighs may touch. One day, we may not have a six-pack, etc. But we cannot keep fearing that day, and ignore celebrating what already “is.”
Ever since I have been a child, I have always loved water. I think this is why. It’s weightless. It’s fluid, moving, changing. Like life, the more you try to fight its very nature, the deeper the water pulls you in–and before you know it, you are drowning–or at best, fighting exhaustively to stay afloat. It’s panic.
But the moment you let go–the moment, you relax, and surrender yourself to the water, you are safe. Regardless of how counterintuitive that seems, you find that you gently rise to the surface. You find yourself supported, held, and lovingly embraced in the arms of water–in the arms of fluidity–in the arms of life.
First off, I’m so delighted about starting this blog! I cannot even begin to tell you how humbled I am that even ONE of you encouraged me to start it 🙂 Thank you. The light in me honors the light in you, and it rejoices exuberantly in our sameness and oneness. Eeep!
What is this blog going to be about? Well, it’s a place where I can wildly drool over the magical, euphoric parts of life! It’s, essentially, going to be a place for me to passionately describe the journey we are all on–this beautifully frustrating journey to becoming “human.”
So, a little bit about me? I’m Maham, by name. I’m 23 years old in human years. But between you and I, I identify with the feline family far more than these homo sapiens with their weird opposable thumbs! Yuck. So who am I? Well, really, I am just consciousness. I am because I know I am. I’m an age-old soul experiencing the beauty of being encased in this lovely little 5’4 shell for a little while. Sometimes, it’s really tough remembering that my body is just a shell–that I am a SOUL with a body, and not a body with a soul. Hey, It’s a work in progress!
I don’t know too many things about “myself”, but I do know that the times that I’ve felt the most euphoric sort of happiness is when I forget about myself. What I mean is that, in those few moments, I am no longer a distinct identity that is separate from the whole world and all of its creatures. When I lose myself, I seem to find the whole universe 🙂 And, it’s so beautiful. Really.
I’m passionate about fitness because it’s where I’ve had many of those moments. So much of the pain I’ve felt has happened in movement, so it’s only natural that so much of my healing has occurred in it too.
So in summary, I love you. I have faith in you. I have all the faith in you because you are me, and I am you. I am continually inspired by the struggles each one of you endure, as each of your accomplishments serve as a testament to the strength within me.
In our society, there are far too many ludicrous “old-wives tales” and burdensome stereotypes about pregnancy. One such implicates pregnancy to be a time in which expectant women are only allowed to burst with love for the miraculous gift of life they are growing; 
abidmaham 